Original subtitles

(Shoresy): Wow. Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

(Nat): I didn't say action. (Shoresy): I was practicing.

(Miig): You start when we say action,

you stop when we say cut. (Goody): That's simple enough.

(Ziig): Bro, can you stop looking into the camera

while you're waiting?

(Miig): Ziig, just let him focus.

(Ziig): It's fucking creeping me out. (Nat): Ziig.

Don't spook it, Nat. It'll run straight

out the stable, clear over yonder.

- We're ready now. - All right,

let's see some energy. This is our longest

standing sponsor. Go.

Are you gonna say action? (Ziig): Action, slut.

(Nat): Oh, my God. - Wow.

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

(Nat): Bigger wow. - What?

(Nat): Bigger wow. Sound happier.

(Miig): More excited. (Ziig): Less stupid.

Wow! (Nat): Bigger.

Wow!!

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

Better? (Nat): Yes.

(Ziig): You dumb fuck. (Miig): So, keep going.

Me? (Ziig): Oh, my God.

Are you gonna say action? (Nat): Action.

Wow!

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box. With...

- He still looks too stiff. - Why are they talking?

(Nat): Try putting your hand on the truck.

Wow!

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box. With...

Why do you have your hand on it like that?

She just told me to put my fuckin' hand...

(Ziig): Yeah, I know but why is your hand on it like that?

Like what? (Ziig): Like you have damage

to your central nervous system.

So, I don't get fingerprints on it, you idiot!

- Smart. - What an idiot.

Wow!

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

(chuckling)

(Ziig): What now? (Miig): Bro, seriously?

This half-ton, sporty short-box is...

(Miig): What's wrong with half-ton, sporty short-box?

- Nothin'. - Is it not a half-ton,

sporty short-box?

It's a half-ton, sporty short-box.

Well, if you wanna go with half-ton,

sporty short-box then... - Okay, enough.

Are you gonna say cut? (Nat): Cut!

Wow! Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

(Miig): Don't smile like that. (Ziig): Fuckin' nerds.

(women): All of you!

Wow!

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

(Nat): We can see you trying not to smile.

Wow!

Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

(Ziig): You guys look like toddlers who just

filled their diapers. (players laugh)

Wow. Check out this sporty, half-ton short-box.

(Miig): Half-ton, sporty.

Wow. Check out this half-ton, sporty.

(Miig): But still say short-box. - Short-box.

(Ziig): Fuck me.

(speaking French)

(players laugh)

- This is going nowhere. - Just let them do it smiling.

Fine. Do it smiling.

(Goody): Are you gonna say action?

Wow! Check out this half-ton, sporty short-box.

With a 3-litre V6 engine,

it's got the tenacity of a power forward

and the reliability of a stay-at-home defenceman.

We won't get called for charging... too much.

But we'll take two minutes for slashing... prices.

Everyone will be checking you from behind

with this easy drop-down tailgate.

This truck will have them chanting your name.

(together): Dolo! Dolo! Dolo!

So, head on down to Laurentian Pre-Owned Auto,

'cause like the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs,

they're top of the league.

That's a wrap. Fuck it.

What are you doing?

We start when you say action and stop when you say...

(women): Cut!

(upbeat dance music)

(Anik): Welcome back to coverage of the National Senior

Tournament brought to you by BROdude Sports.

I'm Anik Archambault with an update

from the National Senior Tournament.

The Brooks Barrelmen lost a 3-2 heartbreaker

to the Charlottetown Reds, but those Freezer Twins...

they're still hurting, guys.

(energetic rock music)

(crowd jeers)

We've also got highlights from this afternoon's

matinee game between the SOO Hunt

and Les Rapides de Rawdon. But first,

I was able to catch up with team owner Marie-Mai

before the game, who had this to say.

Toughness is at the forefront.

We've built our game around the fight.

Around the physicality.

Did not expect to see a lot of fighting

in this tournament with a national title on the line.

Then don't invite a team from Quebec.

It's senior whale shit hockey after all.

If we win the fight, we win the game.

(Anik): Looks like Marie-Mai's guarantee holds water.

Les Rapides de Rawdon won the fights

en route to winning the game by a score of 3-1.

They remain undefeated.

Many of you at home are probably thinking,

that's a lot of fighting for a championship game. But...

(Hitch): B'ys, it's senior whale shit hockey.

Yeah, but we got a lot of games this week,

so we gotta eat right.

Dolo, you have your four to six

servings of vegetables today?

Goody, you have your two to four servings of fruit today?

- Fruit's unbelievable. - Hitch, you keeping hydration

at optimal levels? - Yes, b'y.

Six-ounce chicken breast

with brown rice and broccoli.

Now get fuckin' eating to only 80% full.

What do you think, boys?

We gonna win this whole fuckin' thing?

Lard Jaysus.

Yeah, I almost don't want to,

'cause the NOSHO record party got so crazy.

(pulsing club music)

We can't get that drunk again.

Hear anything about that Sly Sylvestri, old man?

The dirtiest player in the tournament.

- Is that what they're saying? - Are you?

I'd be up there.

You were in Boston's system for a while. What happened?

Too dirty, I guess. Took too many penalties.

- Uh-oh. - Hadn't learned to keep it

under the radar yet. - You've since learned?

Under 100 penalty minutes this year.

Real humanitarian.

So, you get it by the refs.

What if someone from the other team sees

and grabs a hold of you? - What if?

They always do.

There hasn't been much consequence for me yet.

What I love about hockey, there's always justice.

- We'll see. - Thanks for your time.

I hear the NOSHO's pretty dirty.

That might be an understatement.

Anybody out here dirtier than me?

- I think it's Shoresy. - No, he isn't.

He's the best in front of the camera, by far.

Amongst the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

He could really hold his own.

So, that's one thing he's not too hurt to do.

Excuse me, apologies if I'm interrupting.

You guys are with the Bulldogs, right?

In more ways than one.

- I'm Gord Ga... - We know who you are.

We've got a bunch of seafood coming in from PEI.

I'm looking for a big deep freeze to store it in.

You know of anywhere? - Got friends at a restaurant

down the street. Could ask.

Please and thank you. What's it called?

- Respect is Burning. - Heard it's good.

We'll keep you posted.

- Hey, you wanna go? - I'm seeing someone.

No, I meant...

Ziig?

Ziig?

Ziigwan.

Yeah. (Shoresy): Nope!

- You don't have a choice, slut. - It's a fuckin' waste of time.

Jory Jordan is no waste of time.

I just sit there and get peppered.

We have the boost in youth ticket sales to prove it.

I hate that little shit so much.

- Quit whining, dude! - I hate that little shit.

Can hear you from down the hall, man.

Sound like a fuckin' Pomeranian, bro.

Shouldn't it be grazing?

Why does he need three people to hold his hand for this shit?

Go sit in the corner over there. Chew your cud.

Hockey players give back, Shoresy.

For the community, by the community.

So, I'll ask again, are you a hockey player?

- Fuckin' ugly one. - Just give it a salt lick

or something. Keep it busy.

Gorgeous Gord just asked out Ziig.

- Ziigwan! - He's just being a slut.

You don't date sluts, you just take them down.

- Fuckin' eh! - So, he asked you out

'cause he's not interested? - He can have any girl

in Sudbury. He doesn't want me.

(Miig whimpers mockingly)

So, what'd you say?

(Shoresy): You are such a little shit.

- Your girl thinks I'm great. - You're such a little rat fuck.

Oh, you think about me do you? What are you one of those MAPS or something?

- Goofy little shit. - You've had plenty of time

to think about me when you're not scoring goals,

you fuckin' has been. - You know, I'm only doing this

because I thought you were a dying kid.

Well, guess what? I'm not dying.

I'm not a kid either, you wash-up. - Bet you haven't even

found your dick yet. - Oh, it's hard to miss,

buddy, trust me. - Oh yeah, I bet.

- Look how big my hands are. - They're not big at all.

Shut up. Welcome back to the Sudbury

Kids Sports Report. I'm Jory Jordan.

Two guests cancelled and the Zamboni driver said no,

so we've got number 69, Shore. Fans may know him

from his Mic'd Up chirps, but what you may not know

is he looks much older in person.

How's it goin', Shoresy? You look tired.

You're working through a bit of a slump here.

What do you say to fans who think the Bulldogs lost

the NOSHO 'cause you weren't contributing?

Many say the classy move would be to relinquish the captaincy,

rather than waiting for it to get stripped from you. Your thoughts?

What do you say to fans who think you could benefit

at your age from some sort of skin rejuvenation treatment

and/or Propecia?

With the body clearly failing you on the ice,

is it fair to assume it's failing you in the bedroom as well?

Let's talk off mic about erectile dysfunction

and how the conversation's not as taboo as it once was.

- One more, Jory. - Would you say you're more

insecure about the gray in your hair, or the gray in your beard?

Fuckin' BROdude's here. Why aren't we doing something with them?

We are.

Anik Archambault here, and today, BROdude brings you

Bulldogs: All Access. I'm here with...

Jonathan Diaby aka JoDolo. What it do, what it does.

(fans screaming in background)

There's that rowdy booster club.

Yeah, the Bluester Club's ready to rip.

You ready to show me how the boys get ready

for the Vaughan Canadesi?

The Jims. (Dolo): Jim.

Yeah. (Dolo): Jim.

Hello. (Dolo): Jim.

Sup, Dolo? What's goin' on, buddy?

- Good luck tonight, Coach. - Thank you.

The Bulldogs have been almost perfect

since you took over behind the bench.

What's your secret? - I don't have any secrets.

Bit of a heart on my sleeve kinda guy.

(Dolo): Sanger, tell her the Jims' secrets.

- Oh, Jim? - Yeah?

How do you tell a Jim where you're going off the face-off?

Jim? Jim?

- What's that? - Oh, it's how they communicate

on the ice. They go like.

(Shoresy): Are you telling secrets, Sanguinet?

(Sanguinet): It's no secret. Everyone knows Natives do that.

- Don't be an idiot. - You don't be an idiot.

Don't embarrass him on TV.

Bien oui, let's see the room.

(Shoresy): Well, don't be a fuckin' idiot

in there either, Sanguinet.

(Ziig): Don't embarrass him or I'll embarrass you.

Try. (Ziig): Name two continents.

Mustard and relish. (Nat): Oh, my God.

Now that everyone's decent, I'm here with...

- Mark Michaels. - And what's your nickname?

Never Miss... (Hitch): Doesn't have one.

It's Never Misses the Mark.

Explain the whole nickname thing to me.

What's my hockey nickname?

Well, I don't know, hon, what's your last name?

(Goody): You don't know Anik Archambault?

(Shoresy): Loser. (Goody): Come on, bro.

(Shoresy): Such a loser. - I suppose I'd call ya

Shammy or Shammer, or something like that.

(Goody): Archie? (Dolo): Shamwow.

(Michaels): Bobo! - Archie works.

Wow, so you just list a bunch like that

and then the guy picks the one he wants?

(Shoresy): Uh-uh. - Ooh, you don't get to pick.

(Michaels): Well, Fish doesn't have a nickname,

I mean, come on! (Shoresy): Michaels, shut the fuck up.

- And you're Fish. - Fish Daddy.

(Shoresy): Such a loser. - No, no,

he strikes me as a very sweet guy.

(Shoresy): Fish? He isn't.

Saw him walk by an old lady the other day.

He didn't even smile. (Fish): What?

You always smile at an old lady.

- Why? - 'Cause you just do.

(Fish): Well, what if she's not smiling at you?

You shut the fuck up and smile at the old lady!

Well, that's as good a time as any

to wrap up Bulldogs: All Access

and let the boys get ready for the Vaughan Canadesi.

We've got warm-up from the Sudbury arena next.

(Shoresy): You're such a fuckin' lippy cunt, Fish.

I'm gonna fuckin'...

(upbeat dance music)

(crowd cheering)

(whistle blows)

(Shoresy): Ninety-eight! Ninety-eight!

(Sly): What? - Get Bedard's number

off your back, you fuckin' hotdog.

- Fuck you. - Oh, my God!

One away from Wayne Gretzky, eh? - Fuck off.

One away from the Great One himself. Wow.

You're 69, ya fuckin' loser.

You must be pretty fuckin' good.

I'm gonna break your fuckin' ankle.

Hear that boys, 98's scorin' a fuckin' double hatty.

- You're fuckin' brutal. - This guy's gonna score six.

Let the kids play, ya fuckin' loser.

He's a fuckin' superstar.

(upbeat dance music continues)

Uh-oh, who's got 98 boys? Guy's got 61 records.

How about a little PP love for 98, Coach? He's a shooter.

Backhand sauce to a little roof daddy, eh, 98?

What's good? 98 wants a shorty. Hey, hey!

(dance music continues)

(crowd roars)

Settle down, boys! You don't wanna wake up 98!

Hey, pass it to 98, boys. He's a superstar.

Big minutes, 98. Big shutdown minutes.

(music continues)

(crowd roars)

Hundred points, 100 PIMs, 98. Let's go!

Don't let 98 get goin', boys. He's a shooter!

Could buy a fuckin' houseboat with his rookie card.

(Shoresy screams)

(players shouting)

Where's the fuckin" high stick? Fuckin' call it!

- Are you kidding me?! - Holy shit.

Hruska, hey, hey, hey, you ready to be on TV?

Yeah? Go get stitched up, come back.

You know they're gonna put you on TV. Right? Let's see.

Let's see. Yeah, you still got a bunch in there.

Can you go? That's right, go 'til you can't go no more.

Go get stitched up and come back, big boy.

You know they're gonna put you on TV!

Show everybody how fuckin' tough ya are.

(Anik): We're back from commercial with more action

from the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs

and the Vaughan Canadesi

as the Bulldogs' Jordan Hruska

has returned to the game after a nasty high stick

from Sly Sylvestri.

All right, Hruska, let's see it.

Let's see the damage.

Give me the money shot.

There it is.

We know how this goes.

(Shoresy): All right, boys, here he comes. Who wants him?

(Goody): I fuckin' want him.

Can already see them bickering.

- I fuckin' want him. - No, the Jims are goin'.

- Fuckin' pussy. - Fuck him up, man.

Gimme it!

Only real fight's between our guys

to see who gets him. (players shouting)

Bulldog hockey, baby.

- Go, go! - Go on!

(players shouting indistinctly)

(Michaels): Fuck him up!

(Shoresy): Here come the Jims, Sly, ya fuckin' bitch!

(crowd cheering)

What the fuck?!

Fuck you, Sly!

You fucking bitch.

(Miig): The Italians are sending their goons.

- The Jims got it. - Let's go Jims.

The Jims are such fucking beauties.

(energetic trance music)

(players shouting)

Let's go! Let's go!

(music pauses)

(music resumes)

(Shoresy): Can't hide forever, 98.

Can't hide forever, ya fuckin' bitch.

Someone's gonna fuck you up.

May as well just get out here and get it over with.

Ya fuckin' pussy.

(crowd jeers)

(music continues)

(buzzer honks)

Shoresy, limited ice for you after that two-hander

from Sylvestri. How's it feeling?

Never let 'em know you're hurt.

Another pointless outing for both you and JJ Frankie JJ.

How hurt are you? - No excuses.

I gotta be better out there. It's the bottom line.

Just stop squeezing the stick so hard

and maybe Frankie stops squeezing the burritos so hard.

You sure that ankle's okay? You got Bobby Clark'd.

Oh, Bobby's granddaughter hits harder than that.

- Thanks, Shoresy. - You bet.

(Shoresy exhales painfully)

Frankie, tu as une amie!

- Oui. - C'est fantastique.

- Oui. - Super.

- Oui. - C'est super.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Huh?

So, this is where your head's been at?

- No. - Yeah, so you're what's more

important than winning the entire fuckin' country.

- What? - You can have him.

What is fucking going on here?

- Bit young, but... - We were engaged.

He wants me back.

What is wrong with you Quebec girls?

The Quebecois stand by their own.

Yeah, but why do you wanna stand by him?

- I don't know. It's a thing. - Smells like fuckin' hotdogs.

- But I don't want him. - He's fuckin' JJ

Frankfurter JJ.

He's fucking Ballpark Beef Frank.

I don't want him.

Well, that makes fuckin' one of ya.

He's been chasing me around for weeks,

so I told him that. And now he's subtweeting me.

- Consensually? - You don't know

what subtweeting means? - No.

He's all over social media

sending out these super dramatic public messages

that aren't directly aimed at anyone,

but everybody knows he's talking about me.

- Like what? - I'll show you.

Translated to English.

"Wow... never thought I'd feel like this."

So, he's not saying this to anyone, he's just saying it?

- Yeah, keep... - Huh?

Yes, it's meant to create speculation.

Make people wonder. It's meant to cause some drama.

Keep reading. One hour later.

"You never got to know the real me.

I'm glad I didn't let you." Oh, my God.

Keep going. An hour after that.

"I know what I deserve and it's much more than this."

That's embarrassing. - How do you think I feel?

Keep going. 15 minutes after that.

"You don't deserve my tears.

You've taken enough." What a loser!

And Quebec girls want this guy?

- No. - Huh?

No one wants him anymore.

What about Laurence Laboeuf?

Laurence Laboeuf? She dumped him

after some big party you guys had.

A lot of rumors flying around about that night, so you know.

Most not true, I hope.

(energetic club music)

What happened there?

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