Original subtitles

("Sunshine" by Nazareth)

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ Every single day, helps to light my way ♪

♪ And darlin' ♪

♪ Right before my eyes it don't come as no surprise ♪

♪ That it's easy ♪

♪ Easy loving you ♪

♪ And baby ♪

♪ 'Til you came along ♪

♪ There was always something wrong around me ♪

♪ There was emptiness, of course ♪

♪ But it's alright ♪

♪ And it's easy ♪

♪ Easy loving you ♪

♪ And sunshine ♪

♪ Having you around you're the light I never found ♪

♪ And darlin' ♪

♪ Every minute you're away ♪

♪ But it's brighter ♪

♪ And it's easy ♪

♪ Easy loving you ♪

(music intensifies)

(music stops abruptly)

(Shoresy): What's a fuckin' webinar?

Only one is a webinar. (Shoresy): Huh?

- The other two are seminars. - Huh?

We're in the National Senior Tournament.

- So? - So, we don't have time

for a web... what? - Webinar.

Do what you're told, you dumb fuck.

Fuck you, Ziig, ya fuckin' hee-haw.

Look at the wall, Shoresy.

The other one.

The other one.

The other one! - You're such a fuckin' idiot.

- Ziig! - That one!

(Nat): What does it say? - God, don't make him read it.

Where? (Nat): At the top!

(Ziig): Just take it slow, buddy. Sound it out.

Can we put that thing back in its pen

before it poops on something?

"For the community, by the community."

Seriously, it's gonna chew the corner of a chair.

We've got the best senior teams in Canada here,

including a ton of ex-pros,

and we're gonna use this opportunity

to give back to Sudbury. - With a webisode?

Webinar. (Shoresy): Huh?

The other two are seminars. (both): Two?

Yes, one webinar and two seminars.

(Ziig): For a total of what, Shoresy?

Count it out on your fingers, bud.

Count me outta all this,

ya fuckin' goat face. - Uh-uh.

As captain of the host Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs,

you have to show face. - Fer what?!

- For the community. - By the community.

- That's ambitious, Nat. - Hockey players give back.

Always have. They're good citizens.

They make themselves available to help.

They give their time.

Like the hockey players before them gave their time.

You a hockey player, Shoresy?

- When's the first salmon arm? - Seminar.

Seriously, how does he not have his piss

all down the front of him? - First game tonight.

First seminar tomorrow. Let's be ready

for the Charlottetown Reds. - Unless you're too hurt.

(mockingly): Unless you're too hurt.

He always finds a way to contribute.

Ready to drag your team into the fight?

Already hearing chatter about how nice they are.

Who's their guy again, Ziig?

(Laura): Gord Gallant.

- Gorgeous Gord? - Tell me how you really feel.

- He's a good-lookin' guy. - Just another slut.

How did you get to be such a straight tamale?

- Practice. - Huh?

Dedication, hard work.

You're a straight ghost pepper.

I'm interviewing him after this.

- Interviewing who? - Gorgeous Gord.

- Well, I hope you're ready. - For what?

- You better get ready. - For what?

He's gonna take one look at you, he's gonna say,

"Oh, my God!" - No.

He's gonna take one look at you, he's gonna say,

"This place is great!" - I'm interviewing one standout

player from each team you guys play.

These fuckin' guys.

They get to come to Sudbury and see the best thing we got.

- Big Nickel? - Laura, you are

the best thing in Sudbury. - You're drunk.

You've seen me drunk.

(pulsing club music)

I don't think you should get that drunk again.

I'm hearin' a lotta chatter

about how nice these Charlottetown guys are.

- I bet Gord's a donkey. - I'll take that action.

- Where'd you see him? - Tournament program.

Say he's earned his nickname?

I'd say bring a mop and bucket.

- You're such an idiot. - So, you're gonna be thinking

about him the next time you're just knockin' my socks off.

- Oh? - Oh yeah, rockin' my world.

- Think so? - Gonna be all Gorgeous Gord

the next time you're just making my universe

literally melt around me. - Okay, dude.

I'm all like floating in planets all like fuckin'...

- All fuckin' like what? - In orbit.

I'll be interviewing you, too.

(both): Fer what?!

Don't forget to pencil me in, end of week.

I know you've been stepping out on me with that other guy.

Who?

(announcer): Welcome to the Sudbury Kids Sports Report.

With your host, Jory Jordan.

We have our first match-up results from the National

Senior Tournament as the SOO Hunt have narrowly

edged the Vaughan Canadesi by a score of 3-2.

And Les Rapides de Rawdon have bucked the Brooks Barrelmen

by a score of 6-1.

But Brooks' Freezer Twins, they're hurting guys.

(crowd jeers)

As we prepare you for more tournament action

happening all week at the Sudbury arena,

we begin today's broadcast with one of my favorite segments,

Get with the Program. Let's get you introduced

to the starting line-ups for tomorrow night's match-up

between the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs

and the Charlottetown Reds, via their official tournament

program photos. Starting off with the host

Bulldogs captain, number 69, Shore.

I've spent some time with this fellow recently,

and if given the opportunity again,

I'd rather draw on my face with a box-cutter.

Would you look at him? That's a face only a mother

should've smothered. Next, we have number 4, Goodleaf.

A man with all the charm of a clogged toilet.

I've seen more charisma from stains on a dog bed.

Number 14, Hitchcock, who is now offering

to sit on your front porch on Halloween, for a small fee.

Number 3, JoDolo Diaby,

who looks like he enjoyed some of the Johnny Red Eye that day.

Number 10, JJ Frankie JJ,

who I just know is walking around with a bad wipe.

And finally, number 19, Michaels,

who sees the puck quite well for a guy

whose eyes are so close together.

(buzzer honks) Moving on to the Charlottetown

Reds from the province of Prince Edward Island.

Been hearing lots of chatter about how nice these guys are.

Let's meet 'em, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we've got starting goalie, number 30,

Ewen MacDonald. Who thinks this guy's ugly?

Ewen me both. Up next, we've got number 16, Murphy.

See, now this fella's eyes are a bit too far apart,

which is something that happens when Mommy

goes glug-glug, while fetus is still

snug as a bug in a rug. That's right, kids,

I'm talking about fetal alcohol syndrome.

Moving on to number 9, Smith,

the face of Prince Edward Island dental care.

Number 11, Kayden Campbell.

'Cause it wouldn't be a Canadian hockey team without a Kayden,

Hayden, Connor, or Cole. Number 27, Jackson Bernard.

Look at the forehead on this man.

Careful downtown after dark, Jackie boy.

Someone's gonna write "skoden" on that thing.

And finally, hockey player or Hallmark movie hunk?

My god. Rounding out the starting line-up

for the Charlottetown Reds is the man known as Gorgeous...

Gord Gallant. Thank you for your time today.

Thank you for your time, as well. It's been a pleasure.

Just a couple more questions for you.

How do you like your chances this week?

Well, it's an honor to be here with the best teams

in the country and we believe we've earned our place

among them. We're here 'cause no one can out work us.

We're confident we can continue to win that way.

- Why the Reds? - Prince Edward Island

has the red sand and the red fox,

and Anne of Green Gables' hair is also red.

- Thanks. - That's it?

- That's it. - Professional duties concluded?

- Clocking out. - You're off the clock?

Just in time for gin o'clock.

I didn't wanna cross any professional boundaries

while you're at work, but if you're off now...

- I'm seeing someone. - Ah, I figured.

Thanks again.

Well, I hope he's kind, gentle, and compassionate.

Nope.

(energetic hip-hop music)

(Miig): Shoresy, c'mere.

Fer what?

You're doing a quick hit for BROdude.

Well, a little heads up would've been nice.

Cut the lip, slut. (Shoresy moos)

You're familiar with Anik Archambault?

- BROdude. - She's so hot.

She's a bit young but...

(fans cheering)

Good to go?

Shoresy, gonna be an idiot out there

for our audience tonight? - Probably.

Anik Archambault here with the man who needs

no introduction to our audience.

Shoresy, what's the Bulldogs' game plan

for the Charlottetown Reds tonight?

Well, we know these guys love hard work.

That's all we've been hearin' about 'em for the last week.

So, that and how fuckin' nice they are, so...

Wait, can I swear on here? - Fuck no.

You know, it's like they want me to fuck one of them,

so many people telling me how nice they are, but...

You know, we gotta come out hard and fast here.

Show 'em we're here to compete. And when they come out hard,

we'll come out harder. So, you know, we stick

to our game plan out there. Keep it simple.

Do the little things right. And, uh...

think we'll come out with a W. - Thanks, Shoresy.

You bet.

- Bad? - Wow.

I know. How many hockey clichés

can you fit into one interview? - He was good.

- Really? - Well, Shoresy's never

been short on words.

I think we've got something here.

(Gord): Gentlemen, good luck out here tonight. All the best.

Wanted to let you know we brought a ton of fresh

Atlantic lobster as a gift to the hosts.

We're good anytime. Just let... - What the fuck are you doin'?

- What? - Get the fuck outta here.

- Buddy... - Why are you still fuckin' here

talkin' to me? You're trying to be my buddy?

- Come on. - He wants to be my buddy, Jim.

- Yeah. - Jim?

- Yes. - Jim?

Gotta think there's more to it than the lobster.

- Get the fuck outta here. - Relax.

What's the matter with this guy? - I tell it to ya once.

- Unbelievable. - This is how I tell ya

the next fuckin' time! - Cut the shit!

- Get the fuck outta here. - Get the fuck out!

- Cut the shit! - Get the fuck outta here!

Get outta here! - What are you gonna do?

Only you could almost start a warm-up brawl

with the nicest guy in hockey.

I don't care how fuckin' nice he is.

Shoresy, way to drag your team into the fight.

Yep. (Hitch): That's how ya sets the tone, b'y.

I don't care how fuckin' nice they are.

(speaking French)

Why's he talkin' to me about fuckin' supper before the game?

(Goody): Have you ever had a Malpeque oyster?

- So good. - Shoresy, where's Frankie been?

- Frankie? Huh? - Yeah. Where's he been?

Well, it's maple syrup season in Quebec.

- He's been gone all week. - Well, maple leaf sandwich

cookies are pretty good. - Just got in this afternoon.

Well, maple-glazed apple blondies are pretty good.

- Boys are gonna be buzzin'. - They'll be all over us.

Gotta wear 'em down with the body.

We'll give 'em the lumber.

Your line's starting.

Fuck's sake.

What? Oh.

(chiming electronic music)

(crowd cheering)

(Shoresy): Give him an option!

(players shouting indistinctly)

(whistle blows)

(crowd jeers) (Sanguinet): Hey Ref, time out!

(music continues)

Not gonna say anything, Sanger?

Catch your fuckin' breath.

Well, we can't lose the first game of the fuckin'

tournament, boys. Gotta match that effort

and find that gear. My line? - Shoresy's line.

Let's go. Frankie, centre.

All right, Gord. Let's go, Gord.

Let's play hockey, Gord. Let's battle.

(whistle blows) Fuck is that?

What the fuck is that? (ref): 19 you're goin' for two.

He fuckin' slashed me. (Shoresy): Fuck's sakes!

You want the rough or the slash?

- That's horseshit. - Get him a doctor.

Check him out. Check his ovaries.

(crowd cheers)

(horn bellows)

(Shoresy): There ya go, Fishy! There ya go, Fishy!

On the board here, boys. Let's keep'er goin' here now!

(crowd cheers)

(Shoresy): Attaboy, JoDolo!

JoDolo like ya don't know.

Get the lead here, boys. Let's pad it.

Let's pad that fuckin' lead!

(crowd cheers)

(Shoresy): There's Goody! There's Goody!

Everyone on the scoresheet here, boys. Everyone chippin' in.

(Sanguinet): Two goal lead's the worst lead in hockey, boys!

(Shoresy): Who wants the next one, boys?

Who's fuckin' gettin' it?

(electronic music)

(crowd cheers)

(Shoresy): The Jims with the dagger.

Jims with the fuckin' dagger! Nice work, Jims!

(buzzer honks)

(crowd cheers)

(Anik): Shoresy, bit of a rocky start for the Bulldogs,

but you were able to claw your way back.

What changed after the first Reds' goal?

Well, you know, the first rule of playoff hockey

is don't get too high, don't get too low.

So, you know, I think it was the right time

for Sanger to call a timeout there, get the boys refocused

and obviously we went out and potted one right after.

Never looked back. So, he's a good coach.

Looked like you and nice guy, Gord Gallant,

were having words in warm-up. What happened there?

I think he was trying to fuck me.

Ooh, what did you say?

You have to be a lot nicer than that.

- Thanks, Shoresy. - You bet.

Fascinating.

Yeah, he really doesn't give a shit, huh?

I think he's good on camera if he can shoot from the hip.

Fucking useless if you ask him to read, though.

Yeah, we've got something here.

You got a rowdy booster club, eh?

(players chattering)

Looks like the fuckin' NOSHO

runner-ups just fuckin' ran 'em up.

(players cheer)

Runners-up.

Well, boys,

two outta three perfect periods ain't too bad.

Michaels, you get the game stick.

(players cheer)

(upbeat hip-hop music)

(music ends)

(distant siren wailing)

You're early.

(Hitch): If you're not ten minutes early...

- You're late. - I'm sorry,

I had to pee so bad.

- Why is Michaels here? Huh? - He's... he's gonna MC.

- He's rapping? - Oh, my God!

- Master of Ceremonies. - What it do, what it does.

Are you guys ready to give back to the community?

I love doing charity work, Nat.

(Shoresy): Shut the fuck up, Michaels, ya fuckin' doink.

This is the first seminar of the week,

and it is going to be a great one.

Let's set the tone in here now.

We've got the captain of the Sudbury

Blueberry Bulldogs, the three alternate captains,

and the best goalie in the NOSHO.

- Aw, Nat, thanks. - And the subject

of today's seminar is nutrition.

- Yes! - Nutrition?

What about it?

- What about what? - Nutrition.

- All about it. - Just like food groups

and carbs and fats and all that? - Settle down.

No, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

My three favorite meals. Heh-heh.

(Nat): These kids are nine, dude.

All about nutrition in here, boys.

Big day for nutrition in here now.

It was a joke, guys.

That breakfast, lunch, and dinner are my three favorite meals.

There's only three meals in a day.

- Michaels, shut the fuck... - We just gotta tell 'em

what we has for breakfast? - Don't complicate this.

These kids look up to you. Just tell them what you do

to prepare for a game, and they'll eat it right up.

- Ooh, nice pun, Nat. - Put in the time,

give the kids a thrill, and wrap it up.

We've gotta get ready for the Italians.

I heard they're real fast.

If they're Italians, they're fast.

- Is that racist? - Probably.

(Nat): You guys ready? - I think so.

(Nat): All right, I'm bringing them in.

I'm so hungry and now we have to talk about food.

What are Cory and Liam doing here?

We're counselors at the hockey school.

Those kids are gonna be awful.

(Michaels): Is this all that's coming?

You're senior whale crap hockey players. No one cares.

(Nat): Everybody grab a seat. - This is it?

Get started.

Okay, welcome, everyone, to today's nutrition seminar.

As many of you know, my name is Mark Michaels.

Okay. Uh, why don't we introduce ourselves?

Michaels just tell 'em what you have for breakfast.

Well, uh, the most important thing about hockey

is how you prepare. - No, the most important

thing in hockey is winning. - Shoresy.

Michaels, just tell 'em what you have for breakfast.

We got the Italians tomorrow. - Well, oddly enough, guys,

I'm starting a new thing so... - Hitch, whaddaya have

for breakfast? - Eggs.

- Sick. - Eggs are nice.

Why are you telling us what you had for breakfast?

Doesn't he have to raise his hand first...

- Raise your hand, please? - Yes, and your name?

- Doesn't matter. - Why are you telling us

what you had for breakfast?

Just giving you some nutrition tips.

Eggs for breakfast isn't a tip.

- Eggs are unbelievable. - Just there's gonna be

some other tips comin'. Stuff you probably

haven't thought about. - Goody, how do you cook your eggs?

- My girlfriend cooks 'em. - Must be nice.

How does she cook them? - Over easy.

- Over easy's nice. - Eggs on toast is pretty good.

- Oh yeah. - Pretty gangster.

- Yep. - Are they trolling us right now?

Michaels, let's try this again.

Whaddaya have for breakfast? - Well, I'm actually doing

a new thing called intermittent fasting.

Dolo, whaddaya have for breakfast?

(kids giggle)

Oh yeah, a little scramby? Lil scrambo?

Their parents paid 65 bucks for this.

(Michaels): You uh, put anything in those eggs, Dolo?

Ooh, cheese. Okay, but stay away from cheese

in the pre-game.

Cheese can go either way on ya, b'ys.

What the frig is happening here?

Probably just wanna stick with some peppers,

maybe some onions, little bit of ham.

- Ham's nice. - That's a Denver omelette.

- No, that's a Western omelette. - It's the same thing.

- Are they? - Yeah.

What do you think of that tip, Cor?

- What tip? - Just guys, be careful

with the stoves, okay? - You think they're making

their own breakfast? They're nine.

- Their moms do it. - Or their dads.

All right, Michaels, you ready to play ball?

I stop eating from 6 p.m. to 12 noon,

so technically my first meal's lunch, so it's...

Whaddaya have for lunch? (kids laugh)

- I'm more of a fruit guy but... - You said it, not me.

(kids giggle)

(Nat): The kids loved him.

Michaels? (Nat): Shoresy.

(Miig and Ziig): Shoresy? - Yep, all three of 'em.

I'd love to see that audience grow.

You've got two more seminars with him?

One is a webinar.

Maybe just let him focus on hockey.

He didn't have his strongest game

against the Charlottetown Reds. - He sucked.

- He didn't suck. - 4-1 win and he was minus one.

- He's hurt. - Yeah, they're all hurt.

Frankie might be our only healthy guy.

But Shoresy always finds a way to contribute.

We can always count on him for that.

We need him focused on the Italians.

If they're Italian, they're gonna be fast.

Is that racist? (Miig and Ziig): No.

We'll need to keep an eye out for Sly Sylvestri.

He'll be bringin' it. - Bringing what?

The lumber.

(dramatic hip-hop music)

(pool cue clacks on ball)

Hey, Gordy! Gordo!

Hey, how long does that crab stay good?

(Gord): What? - Will it stay good

four or five days 'til the tournament's over?

- What are you... - Huh?

- What do you want? - Well, I wanna eat up

all that crab you brought. Drink some beers.

- It was lobster. - You said crab.

- No, I didn't. - I was sure you said crab.

Well, then you weren't listening.

Was really looking forward to that crab, Gord.

Look, I don't know what lobsters eat,

but if you need some food to keep 'em good

for a little while, I'll see if I can find some food.

Let's eat it up once the tournament's over.

Drink some beers.

But if you can get some crab brought in...

Fuckin' loser.

(hip-hop music)

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