Original subtitles

( vacuum sucking )

BIG PETE: This is my brother Pete,

and this is my dad--

a guy who spends most of his free time wondering...

Where, oh, where did I go wrong?

Over the years, he's tried his best

to turn Pete into a model son.

See, you just go with the grain in a circular motion,

a-and soon, uh...

The plan has not been all that successful.

Pete's just Pete. He can't help it.

( burps loudly ) Whether he's collecting burps...

catching bugs,

or staring into the electromagnetic vortex

of a lunar eclipse...

Yes.

There's always been a certain Pete approach to life...

Dance, se�orita, dance.

...that Dad has never appreciated.

Even when Pete tries to please Dad,

like the time he put a high-gloss finish on the lawn

for Father's Day... he just can't win.

Inside!

Pete knew that he'd never be like other fathers and sons,

building tree forts together and fishing for smelt.

He didn't really want that anyway.

All he wanted was for Dad to accept him

for the Pete he was.

I didn't think he had a chance.

I mean, you know how dads can be.

Then, on one sunny Saturday morning

not too far from here,

something happened that changed everything.

If you wanted to,

you could call it a miracle.

( rock intro playing )

� Hey, smilin' strange �

� You're lookin' happily deranged �

� Can you settle to shoot me? �

� Or have you picked your target yet? �

� Hey, Sandy �

� Ay-yi-yi-yi �

� Don't you talk back � � Ay-yi-yi-yi �

� Hey, Sandy �

� Ay-yi-yi-yi � � Hey, Sandy �

� Don't you talk back � � Ay-yi-yi-yi �

� Hey, Sandy �

� Ay-yi-yi-yi �

� Hey, Sandy �

� Don't you talk back �

� Ay-yi-yi-yi �

� Hey, Sandy, hey. �

In the whole sloppy history of humankind,

you'll find that the biggest moments

are caused by the stupidest little things.

A prime minister accidentally farts,

and whammo, it's the Korean War.

In the case of Pete and Dad's miracle friendship,

it all started with a blacktop grudge match

between my dad's '88 Dodge Aries

and Mr. Hickle's fuel-injected Throttle-Jet 5000.

Vroom, vroom!

Suck my fumes, nimrod.

They used to be friends,

but ever since the bicentennial,

when Mr. Hickle inadvertently melted our birdbath,

the two of them started a feud that's been building ever since.

The only problem is, Mr. Hickle also happens to be the father

of my all-time best friend, Ellen Hickle.

Over the years, we've tried to ignore their feud,

but when we heard it was all coming down

to this one final race, well, we had to take sides.

I pitched in by drawing a map of the course,

while Ellen did her part

by making this perfect Mr. Hickle action figure

to ride in the car during the race.

How do I look, honey?

It was a true labor of love,

and soon, they grew closer

than any father, daughter and action figure should be.

Nice.

As for Pete, he sculpted

a stainless steel voodoo hood ornament,

but as usual,

his best wasn't good enough for Dad.

Whose side are you on, anyway?

( metal squeaking ) ( grunting )

I mean, not only will this thing weigh me down,

i-it's completely unaerodynamic.

I mean, it could cost me the race.

Despite the rejection,

Pete wasn't about to give up yet--

not while he still had his own personal super hero,

Artie, the strongest man in the world.

Pete never did trust Phil Hickle,

much less the Phil Hickle action figure,

and he knew if he could dig up some dirt,

he could prove himself to Dad once and for all.

Sure enough, Mr. Hickle was up to no good.

Secretly souping up his car

with an illegal overdrive button.

( grunts and groans )

He's bypassing the alkaline transducer grid

with a turbostatic overdrive.

What?

He's cheating!

Cheater! Cheater!

Big, fat cheater man!

Foul! I claim foul.

I do agree with my claim.

It was the break Pete had been waiting for.

Cheaters never prosper.

( chuckles )

Mr. Hickle had left him with no other choice.

With the big race just hours away,

there was only one course of action left...

sabotage.

The scene was set for a day of reckoning

my dad had been waiting for for 16 years.

Come on, Don, where's your manners?

( cheering )

( whistle blowing ) Finally, the big race was on.

( crowd cheering )

Dad cranked his turbo-charged V-8 engine to maximum thrust

and quickly roared to a commanding lead.

( laughs ): Don't mess with the best, pellet-head.

Come on, baby.

But as they turned the corner

at West Platelet Avenue,

Mr. Hickle hit the button on his secret weapon...

...and the throttle jet surged ahead.

Oh, poke me with a stick!

Then, just when Dad seemed dusted,

the results of Pete's sabotage became beautifully clear.

( tires screeching )

( cheering ) Dad had won!

All right, Dad!

Yes! Yes! Whoo!

All right! Oh, yeah!

Oh, hey!

Hey, well, wh-wh- where's Pete?

Oh... Beats me.

Oh, it figures he'd miss my big moment.

Congratulations.

That'll teach you to mess with my dad.

At our victory dinner that night,

Dad learned the truth about what Pete had done.

I'd never seen him prouder.

( laughing ): Whoo! Not only had he won the race,

but his misfit son had saved the day.

And then, you know what else my little commando did for me?

What, dear?

He gave me this.

( chuckling )

Well, I think you both should go

over to the Hickles' tomorrow

and return that action man to Phil.

Ellen made it for him.

That's right.

There's no reason for this to get out of hand.

Let's all be adults about it, and...

MR. HICKLE: Attention! Attention!

We interrupt your dinner

to bring you a special announcement.

It's Phil!

Talk about dirty tricks.

Mr. Hickle knew our mom had

a metal plate in her head from an accident

she had when she was a kid,

and by broadcasting at the right frequency,

he could transmit radio messages

using her plate like an antenna.

And until I get

the $695.65 you owe me

for destroying my car,

these broadcasts will continue non-stop!

And now for a selection from the Hawaiian Soldiers Chorus.

( Hawaiian music playing )

Of all the...!

You want a war, pal?! You got it!

Prepare to die, blowhole!

After a lifetime of having nothing in common with Dad,

Pete finally had a chance

to share his all-time favorite hobby.

Revenge!

In just ten days, they built a command center

NASA would've killed for.

Surveillance monitors, radar screens,

a satellite-based infrared camera and more.

That's Pete's idea.

It automatically flushes the toilet in Hickle's house.

He gets in the shower, and boom!

We boil his butt.

I don't like it, Don. I don't like it one bit.

Well, you know, I-I don't like it either, honey,

but Hickle has left us with no other choice.

Isn't that right, shorty?

( polka music playing ) Family, we are in a state of war,

and as such, each member will be expected

to sign a loyalty oath that prohibits,

among other things, fraternizing with the enemy.

Dad, Ellen is my best friend.

Was your best friend.

I won't sign it.

Son, I know it's hard,

b-b-but think of your poor mother,

forced to wear a helmet

to muffle the constant pounding of polka music.

It's not so bad.

I don't know, Dad.

The maniac is playing polka music, son!

Sweaty men in lederhosen squeezing accordions!

It-it's kind of catchy.

And if we're going to stop him,

we're going to have to do it my way.

Our way! Oh, oh, that's right.

I'm sorry, son. Our way.

Don't be a wuss.

( sighs )

The ink wasn't even dry on my signature

before Dad and Pete struck back with the ultimate secret weapon.

( grunts ): Artie, the strongest man... in the world!

The plan was to use Artie's super human strength

to move Mr. Hickle's house to Saskatchewan,

but because of a slight back sprain he got

from lifting a brazier emporium the week before,

Artie was only able to budge it one inch.

Even so, the prank worked beautifully.

And with that one tiny little inch,

the great prank war was officially underway.

In the annals of modern history,

you'd have to go back to the trench warfare

of World War I to fight a battle as fiercely fought

as what became known as:

Nobody messes with Phil Hickle.

Nobody!

( groans )

( flushing )

( screaming )

( laughing )

( contented sigh )

� Marmalade cream �

� The sweet in between �

� It's a marmalade cream... �

Oh...

( grunts )

( mimics guitar solo )

Guitar solo.

Oh! Aah!

( grunts )

LITTLE PETE: Ready, aim,

fire!

( grunts )

( giggling )

Take that, grunge bag.

As Dad and Pete learned the meaning of togetherness,

Ellen and I learned the meaning of being apart.

I know it seems stupid, but he is my dad,

and I did promise.

Besides, our every move was being tracked by radar.

Since we knew the pay phones were tapped,

we had to communicate by dropping off secret letters

with crossing guard Kenneth G. Keegan,

a man who had seen maybe one too many spy movies.

Okay, okay.

I've got it memorized.

The plan had been for Ken to simply deliver the notes,

but he had his own ideas.

It was a little difficult at first.

"Dear...

Dear... Otto?"

Pete.

But after a few days, he got the hang of it.

"Dear Pete,

"I couldn't stop...

"I couldn't

"stop...

ELLEN: "I couldn't stop thinking about you yesterday."

Whoa.

Hot stuff.

We're just friends.

Sure you are.

BIG PETE: Forget our family self-destructing.

I wanted the prank war to end

so Ken would stop winking at me.

Unfortunately,

it showed no signs of cooling down.

Fire!

( yelling )

( laughing )

Ready!

Aim!

Fire!

( Don laughing )

Better watch your cholesterol, Phil.

( laughs )

ELLEN: "My dad's a mess, Pete.

"A total mess.

"All he cares about is revenge.

"I don't know him anymore.

"I hate to say it, but I think the only thing

"we ever had in common was that stupid action figure.

"I know he expects me to be a good, loyal daughter,

"but too bad.

This war has got to end."

( knock at door )

PHIL: Ellen?

Ellen, it's your daddy.

I'd like to speak to you for a second.

ELLEN: "I don't know if it'll work,

but I've started giving him the silent treatment."

( doorknob jiggling )

Ellen? I know you're in there.

ELLEN: "I just can't take it anymore.

I don't know if you miss me, but..."

"...but I...

ELLEN: "I miss you."

"I miss you."

I really, really miss you, Pete."

Thanks, Ken.

BIG PETE: I walked home faster than usual that day

to do my stupid shift in the war room.

I guess I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Ellen.

Hi, honey.

Off to your French horn lessons?

( birds singing )

Ellen Josephine Hickle,

what have I done?

When I saw her, I knew who I had to be loyal to.

And it wasn't Dad or Pete.

I miss you, too, Ellen.

What was that?

Nothing.

( distant beeping )

Pete, I can't take this anymore.

You've got to call it off.

No can do, comrade.

I know why you're doing this.

It's Dad, isn't it?

You're afraid that if the war ends,

your friendship will end, too.

Shut up!

I know how you feel, Pete,

but this can't last forever.

Things have to go back to normal.

Why?

You know why.

If you're not going to end this, I will.

( blipping )

Pete, hi!

Hey. Hi.

( laughs )

Did you get a haircut?

Y-Yeah. Do you like it?

( quietly ): Pete, what about the war?

That's what I want to talk to you about.

How's the silent treatment working?

It's been hard, but I think it's finally getting to him.

Don?

I know you're out there.

Listen to me!

This feud has gone far enough.

I surrender.

It's over, Don.

You win.

I'll tear up the bill.

I'll turn off the music.

I'll forget about everything.

All I'm asking you to do is

just give me back my action figure.

I'm sending over the car right now.

Just buckle him in the seat, and I'll do the rest.

I don't know what this war has done to your family,

but between you and me, it's tearing mine apart.

Please, Don.

My daughter made that action figure for me.

It means a lot to us.

I need it back.

I need her back.

Please, Don.

With the fate of the Prank War entirely in his hands...

( whirring )

Pete made a command decision.

If Phil Hickle wanted his action figure back

that much, he'd gladly give it to him,

along with a little added surprise.

As we were all about to find out,

the war wasn't over until Pete said it was over.

Head's up, shorty.

You're going home.

Son, we've got a condition red here.

( blaring )

Man the battle stations.

Switch to auxiliary life support.

( panting )

( equipment whirring )

( high-pitched pulsating beeps )

What's that flamehole up to?

Dad was suspicious at first,

but when Pete played back the surveillance tape...

It's over, Don.

You win.

...he knew they had won the war.

We did it, son.

( laughs )

We showed that clam dip you can't mess with the best.

It'll be kind of hard to say good-bye

to old shorty here, but you know,

if it means that much to him.

( chuckling )

He escaped!

Get a grip, Dad.

Pete's fiendish scheme was going perfectly.

Dad didn't suspect a thing.

So long, shorty.

Drive safely.

( chuckling )

Yeah. You know, funny.

Uh, it feels a lot heavier than I remember it.

( chuckles )

Funny. Yeah.

( ticking )

Wait a second.

Oh, my God, Pete.

You haven't booby-trapped the action figure, have you?

Son, the man surrendered.

I mean, he... he-he's at our mercy.

If-If... if we double-cross him now,

this war could go on forever.

Exactly.

Are you nuts?

We won. It's all over, son.

We did it, you and me.

Sorry, Dad.

You'll thank me for this some day.

( tires squealing )

Oh, where, oh, where did I go wrong?

Dad! ( gasps )

Listen to me. Pete's out of control.

You've got to put an end to this

before it's too late.

You're absolutely right, son.

I am?

Yeah. Now, come on, everybody.

You, too, mister. Let's go!

We've got to stop that car!

Come on!

Suddenly, it was the big race all over again.

Only this time, Dad had more on his mind than revenge.

( ticking )

( tires squealing )

( ticking )

Stop in the name of love!

( ticking )

Uh-oh!

Hi, Ken!

Halfway to the Hickles' on Sahara Mike Avenue...

Come back, you slime dog!

...there was Mom, shattered

from 14 straight days of sonic assaults.

� Marmalade cream �

� The sweet in between... �

Mom! Mom!

� It's marmalade cream... �

Don't worry, honey.

It's almost over.

Are we gonna kill him?

No, we're gonna save him.

� Now just give me some sugar �

� You know something sweet... �

( ticking )

You're almost home.

( ticking )

( grunts )

Speed kills.

( tires squealing )

( device whirring )

Pulling a double-cross on Phil Hickle? Never!

Dad!

( brakes screeching )

Put that down!

It's booby-trapped!

( screaming )

( grunting )

Oh, what the...? ( high-pitched beep )

( instrumental version of "Star Spangled Banner" plays )

It's a lousy watch.

Huh?

Oh, Don, are you okay?

Uh, yeah.

What's all this about a booby trap?

Well, that's what I'd like to know, Phil.

It had all been a trick.

A fake-out to end all fake-outs.

Pete knew the only way

the feud would end for good was

if Dad and Mr. Hickle came together

and became friends again.

Even though it might mean

losing his own friendship with Dad,

Pete had to end the war his way, the Pete way.

Suddenly, Dad understood everything.

Pete, Pete. Wait, Pete. Pete!

Wait up, Pete!

It was all a trick, wasn't it?

I mean, to get me and Mr. Hickle friends again.

Well, son, uh, it worked.

( chuckles )

I mean, I've got to hand it to you.

You did all right.

Well, now we can get things back to normal around here.

Well, you know, almost normal.

You know what I mean.

It looks like he might need some new eyebrows.

And a new face.

( sighs )

That's pretty much the whole story.

Artie moved the house back to where it belonged,

Ellen and I vowed

to never let anyone keep us apart ever again,

and Mom-- she let Mr. Hickle know

there were really no hard feelings.

As for Pete and Dad--

well, they might have lost the one thing

they had in common now that the war was over,

but in the end, at least they found each other.