Original subtitles

I'm not sure what the astrophysical formula is,

but every summer,

as the Earth's equator tilts further and further

away from the sun, the days get longer and longer.

And somehow, it seems

as if the minutes and seconds get longer, too.

Especially when you're counting down

the last week of school.

Just ask my brother, Pete.

Time simply slows down.

Bite my scab!

BIG PETE: It's frustrating.

Especially when your very own personal superhero...

Artie! The Strongest Man In The World.

...is outside waiting for you.

As for me and my best friend, Ellen,

we had to deal with this beast,

science teacher Mr. Porchman.

A total ear gouger,

( earwax squishing ) famous for two things.

One, chest hair you can see right through his shirt,

and two, assigning this deadly final paper

on the last week of school, just to watch kids flop around

like trout on a hot sidewalk.

For one more week,

you troglodytes are mine.

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When you look up at the stars and realize

what an insignificant speck of lint you are,

compared to the humongous immensity

of the infinite universe, you've got to ask yourself

how much does a final paper really matter, anyway?

Your paper will be worth 40% of your final grade.

BIG PETE: It was at precisely that moment that I decided to forget

about the universe for a while and concentrate

on getting a good grade on that paper instead.

21 pages, typed, stapled, and on my desk

in exactly 147 hours, 22 minutes

and 49 seconds. ( ticking )

What topic did you get?

The uh...

the transmission of electromagnetic waves through the universe.

Ouch.

Mine's the... "search for complex organic compounds."

You mean like aliens?

I wish.

It's more like analyzing the carbon content

in soil samples from Mars.

Totally boring.

What do you want from a wiper like Porchman?

An "A."

I'd take a "B" minus.

BIG PETE: The stakes were high.

Fail Porchman's famous final paper and you were doomed

to a fate worse than death-- summer school.

Having survived a year of mental torture,

from a man who once made us memorize

the nine rings of Uranus,

we didn't want to blow it with only a week to go.

So we got to work.

And by Wednesday, we had almost all the facts needed

to satisfy Porchman's sadistic desires.

All we had to do was look up a couple of facts

at the Blurkmann Planetarium,

and the summer would be practically in our pocket.

( grunts )

Naturally, Pete and Artie tagged along

to work on their lunar ballet...

and almost got arrested.

( grunts and gasps )

Thinking quickly, Pete mesmerized the security guard

with Petunia's newest dance sensation.

She came up with this little number just for you...

( doorbell ringing )

...Smitty.

Whoa.

Shake it, baby.

BIG PETE: After that, the planetarium was at their mercy.

As for us-- we were minding our own business

at the Big Bang exhibit

when this geek from our science class started following us.

Oh, it's Joe Jones.

I think every school has its own Joe Jones.

You know the type-- bad haircut, dresses funny,

smells a little like...

( sniffing )

...steamed vegetables.

This particular Joe Jones joined our class

somewhere in mid-December.

( giggling )

Nobody knew too much about him,

except that he only ate ketchup at lunch...

had a terminal case of static cling... ( static buzzing )

...and always had this blue radio plugged into his ear.

( blipping and crackling )

It's supposed to hail tomorrow.

BIG PETE: There was also this rumor

that his cowlick always pointed magnetic north.

( electrical buzzing )

It was pretty weird stuff.

( door slams )

But as I was about to find out, the weirdest thing of all

was the one thing we had in common.

JOE: They called it the greatest game

ever played, you know.

What?

The 1958 NFL championship game

between the Baltimore Colts and the New York Giants.

First sudden death overtime game played in history.

Ever heard about it?

Heard about it?

It's my favorite game of all time.

Seven minutes into overtime,

Johnny Unitas hands off to Alan Ameche,

who takes it in from the one.

Colts win 23 to 17.

Best game I ever saw.

Wait, how could

you have seen it?!

It happened, uh... 34

years ago.

Of course, I didn't actually see it.

I just read about it in a book.

You want to know something interesting?

Right here in this star system, 365 billion miles away,

that game was just played for the very first time.

What do you mean?

It's simple.

Joe explained that after the 1958 game was over,

the TV waves that carried the broadcast

kept going out deeper and deeper into space.

( electronic blipping )

After 34 years of traveling at the speed of light,

the waves had gone far enough

to bring the game to the Alpha Centauri star system.

FANS: Block that kick! Block that kick!

Wow.

So that means if there's intelligent life out there,

they would have just seen Johnny Unitas play for the first time.

Exactly.

Johnny U. and the Universe.

Now that's a research paper I could get into.

It's brilliant.

You should do it.

Right.

I like Johnny U., but not enough

to risk summer school.

You have to, Pete. It's perfect.

The first three letters in "Unitas"

are the same as

the first three letters in "universe."

Think about it.

Johnny U. and the Universe.

Yeah, I like that.

L-Let me write that down.

JOE: How come aliens never part their hair on the side?

I mean, all this scientific speculation

on what aliens are supposed to look like.

How come you never see an alien with a hair part?

No hair?

Exactly my point. I mean,

who's to say that aliens don't have afros?

Or pigtails.

Precisely. I mean,

what if there were aliens all over the place.

But they looked exactly like us?

( electrical crackling )

Wow...

they could be anybody.

The Vice President.

Or the Pope.

Or what about... Porchman?

No one's above suspicion.

Now, that would be quite a research paper.

Wouldn't it? I'd call it,

"The Search for Extraterrestrial life

on Planet Earth."

I think I'd know just where I'd start looking, too.

( insane laughter )

Gaseous hole.

Why don't you do it?

Find an alien in our town?

Sure.

You've got four days.

Besides...

I-I could help you.

Do you remember

that huge sonic boom in December?

What was that all about?

I don't know.

Porchman would have a total meltdown.

But what about the dogs in this town?

Haven't they been acting a little suspicious lately?

ELLEN: True.

Hmm.

But an alien here?

I mean,

what if we don't find anything?

Okay, but what if we do?

Besides, Mr. Porchman's a scientist.

He'd understand.

Ha!

Alien life on our planet?

What about the Bermuda Triangle?

Or... or Stonehenge?

Some scientists say

that aliens may have arranged the stones

in order to predict eclipses. Young lady,

the only stones that need arranging are the ones

in your head.

How dare you presume to discover, in four days,

what all of science

has never been able to substantiate

in a thousand years!

Maybe they just weren't

looking in the right place.

( sighs )

Where is that hall pass?

And you?

Isn't your topic electromagnetic waves?

It still is.

But I want to concentrate on the waves carrying the 1958

Colts-Giants game into outer space. ( dramatic music plays )

My paper will explore the cosmic connection

between Johnny Unitas

and the universe.

( Porchman scoffs )

Oh, no, it won't.

( grunting and groaning )

It won't? Not unless

you want to spend your summer in here with me--

studying the gas-plasma

densities of neutron stars--

I suggest you stick to topics

that are science fact, not science fiction.

BIG PETE: Once I started

staring at his chest hair, I was a goner.

I was powerless.

It's going to take more than chest hair to stop me,

I'll tell you that.

You still want to do it?

Definitely. But what about the almighty Porchman?

( Artie yells )

I don't care.

I'm not doing it for him, anyway.

I'm doing it for science.

( loud clicking )

I'm gonna do it, too, for Johnny U.

And just like that, in roughly the time

it takes a supernova to go critical...

( Artie yells )

we risked everything in the hopes

of making our own cosmic connection.

Some astronomers begin their intergalactic research

with the help of giant radio telescopes.

I began mine

with a three-page letter to the great Johnny U.

Why was I so obsessed?

I'm not sure I can explain it.

I never saw Johnny U. play a game.

I've never even been to Baltimore.

My friends, who are fans of superstars

like Randall Cunningham, think I have brain damage.

I tried showing them the picture

that started my worship of Johnny U...

Pete, the guy's not even in color.

...but somehow, I don't think

they fully understood his majestic splendor.

I don't know.

Every time I look at it,

I see a man who played each game

as if the fate of the entire universe

depended on him and him alone.

I was beginning to think I was the only one left

who still believed in Johnny U.,

but now that Alpha Centauri had gotten their first look

at Number 19, maybe I wouldn't be alone.

I had no idea if Johnny U. would understand

what I was talking about, but at least Joe Jones seemed to.

It was Unitas at his best.

A minute and three seconds left, Colts down by three.

No time-outs, so Johnny U. diagrams a play in the dirt.

The only thing is, the ground is frozen solid.

So what does he do?

He gouges it out, using his thumb like a carpenter's chisel.

I never heard about that.

He'd do anything to win,

whatever it took, no matter what the cost.

He was

a warrior, Pete.

He fought for all of us.

BIG PETE: Despite Joe's enthusiasm,

I have to admit we were still a little uneasy

about being seen with him at school.

So when we needed his help on Ellen's alien test,

we snuck him up to our secret place on the roof.

( giggles )

Okay, maybe we should start with basic questions

like, um, how about this?

"What color is your mucous?"

Subtle.

Here's an idea.

Ask them to hop on one foot.

If they're new to this planet,

they might not be used to our gravity.

Great idea.

BIG PETE: Once Ellen and Joe had the test figured out,

they checked out their other leads.

Sure enough, there had been a sonic boom that past December,

and no record of any planes flying over the area.

As for the dogs in town,

well, they were acting a bit strange.

( laughing )

BIG PETE: The only problem?

Time was running out. ( watch ticking )

But while the minutes and hours zoomed by for us,

time seemed to stand still

for poor Artie, who waited for Pete until...

LITTLE PETE: Earth to Artie! Earth to Artie!

( grunts )

Condition, um... blue!

Hang on, my little Viking!

I'm on my way!

( jaunty music playing )

( engine revving, tires screech )

BIG PETE: It was a game of death dodge ball,

and Pete was seconds away from annihilation.

Hit me with your best shot!

BIG PETE: Then, out of nowhere...

( grunts )

Your pitiful weapons are useless against us.

( Artie laughing )

( Artie grunting )

( whistle blowing )

( whistling continues )

( Artie laughing )

ARTIE: Oh, missed! Sucker...

Good boy!

Oh! Got me in the head.

( Artie laughing and shouting )

Behind my back! ( shouting )

BIG PETE: By the time the dodge ball carnage was over,

not a single foe was left standing.

( whistle blowing )

Even though he's the strongest man in the world,

Artie was still no match for detention.

Ellen took advantage of the situation

by trying out her alien test

on the two most likely candidates on the planet.

Okay, I'll say a word,

and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Cupcakes.

Artie...

Lemon-scented.

( sighs ) Let's move on. ( chuckles )

BIG PETE: Ellen was positive

that her alien search would end right there in room 116.

ARTIE: Uh, regular refrigerator.

20... two... 65.

( laughing )

Look at the work, boy.

Look at the work.

( Artie laughing )

BIG PETE: But after thoroughly testing

their physical, mental

and bio-glandular capabilities,

believe it or not, they both checked out...

Human.

That left just two days and the whole town to go.

Do you have any oddly-shaped scabs?

I've got one shaped like a bunny.

Describe what you're seeing.

( heavenly choir sings ) FRANK: Rocks.

Can you be more specific?

( sighs )

( heavenly choir sings ) FRANK: Big rocks.

Is there anything about yourself

that you'd consider... abnormal?

Abnormal?

No, I don't think so.

BIG PETE: 8,051 humanoids later,

Ellen began to get a little desperate.

What color is your, um...

mucous?

Dad?

BIG PETE: Things looked pretty hopeless.

While Ellen struggled to find

her cosmic connection door-to-door,

I hoped for better luck billions of miles into space.

With Joe's help, I figured out

exactly when the legend of Johnny U.

would reach such interstellar outposts

as... Cygnus,

Centaurus,

Andromeda

and the monstrous Magellan cluster.

That was the easy part.

The hard part was tracking down an expert,

somebody who had actually played

in the famous championship game.

That somebody was Art Donovan, the defensive tackle

for the Colts from 1950 to 1963.

He was my last hope,

the only person who might help me unlock the mysteries

of Johnny U. and the universe.

Huh? Okay, it's like this.

The TV signal that carried the game

kept going out into space,

until finally, after 34 years,

it reaches the Alpha Centauri star system.

You mean Martians

are going to see my ugly mug

on some kind of space TV?

Yeah, but they're also going to get

their first look at Johnny Unitas.

I'll tell you what-- Johnny U.'s kisser

wasn't much to look at, either.

Yeah, but what about the way he played?

Didn't it always seem like he knew

the fate of the world was depending on him?

Like that time

in the game where he gouged in the dirt

with his fingernail?

You remember that?

Dirt?

Oh, Mr. Donovan,

doesn't it mean anything to you

that the first three letters in "Unitas" are the same

as the first three letters in "universe"?

Well, the first three letters of my last name

is the first three letters in "donut," and you

don't see me making a big deal out of it.

By the way, does somebody have something to eat around here?

BIG PETE: So much for solving

the mysteries of the universe.

Oh, thank you.

With only 23 hours left until doomsday,

I had nothing-- no lunch,

no paper, and just when I needed him the most,

no Joe Jones.

Nobody had seen him all day.

He had simply disappeared.

After all that we've been through,

how could he let us down now?

I don't know.

Maybe he has his own problems to worry about.

BIG PETE: With summer school staring us right in the face,

our last chance was to test each other

and hope for the best.

Human, right?

Pretty much.

Now test me.

What's my magnetic-field reading?

Ellen, this is insane!

How did we ever let Joe talk us into all this?

Porchman's gonna...

Wait a minute.

We never tested Joe.

Of course.

That's why he disappeared.

He knew we'd find out.

Right.

The more we thought about it,

the more obvious it became.

The weird radio... the cowlick...

the powerful static cling...

and most importantly, the greatest game ever played.

He must have seen it.

That's why he knew so much about Johnny U.

He must have seen it on his home planet.

It made perfect sense.

How could we have been so stupid?

It had been Joe all along.

Now all we had to do

was find him and maybe our summer would be saved.

Come on!

( gasps )

ELLEN: Joe!

Joe!

Joe, what are you doing up here?

Looking at the stars.

Sirius is out tonight.

That's the Dog Star, you know.

I wonder why there's no Cat Star.

Joe, our papers are due tomorrow.

I know.

I haven't even started mine yet.

You got us into this, Joe. Now, you've got to get us out.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Yes, you can, Joe.

Just answer a few questions.

We won't tell anybody.

We promise.

What about Mr. Porchman?

Your final papers?

We're not doing it for Porchman.

There was no turning back now.

The only thing left to do was give Joe the test.

( loud clicking )

Can you hop for us?

I'll try.

BIG PETE: One by one, Ellen went through all 39 questions,

including one for me about Johnny U. and the universe.

Finally, at precisely 12:00 midnight,

Ellen's search for alien life officially ended.

Welcome to Earth, Joe.

( radio crackling and blipping )

BIG PETE: Joe answered all our questions

about where he came from and how he got here,

and then... he answered the hardest question of all.

If you didn't want us to find out about you,

why'd you get us started on this whole alien search?

I was lonely, I guess.

Until that day at the planetarium,

you guys wouldn't

even go near me.

I was a nobody.

But then everything changed.

We were a team.

I didn't want it to end, but I knew it had to.

Sooner or later, you'd find out what I really was.

ELLEN: I think

we figured out what you were about...

two days ago.

You did?

Yeah.

A friend.

BIG PETE: And that's how we finally made

our cosmic connection.

...15, 14... The next day,

as Porchman counted down the seconds until doomsday,

his chest hair had its same hypnotic power over me,

but I had no problem keeping Joe's secret a secret.

...seven, six, five, four, three...

ARTIE: ...three, two, one!

( beeping )

Bell! ( school bell ringing )

BIG PETE: Sure, we'd have to wait

a little longer than some people Come on, boy!

to get our first taste of summer freedom...

Take it to Mach 17, Artie.

( Artie laughing )

...but we didn't care.

Because no matter how many rings of Uranus Porchman tried

to cram into our brains in summer school,

we already knew the most important facts of all.

We humans weren't alone in the universe,

and now that he'd found us, neither was Joe Jones.

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