Original subtitles

Yes. I see it too, Alfred. Yes, it's a fire at Factory Six. Well done.

No! I'll handle it. Connect me to the Factory's head Operator.

Not in today? For why? "Christmas"?

You mean this new Holiday the bureaucrats at city hall

are forcing down our throats?

Okay! Now, according to the official handbook.

Parents may consider allowing children to open just one present

on the evening before Christmas! Go for it!

Mommy!

What's wrong, Theo Jr? Did the guitar scare you?

Cause it looks like a demonic weapon?

It's okay. I won't let it hurt you.

My little Stebey! What happened? The blue shirt scared you?

Because it's a potential strangulation hazard?

Don't be scared! Christmas is nothing to be afraid of!

Keep it down down there, you fucking neanderthals.

No! No fire department!

It's a treasure trove of health and labor violations in that place!

Besides, I think the flames are already starting to dwindle!

Theodore, I need a hand down here!

Not now, marjorie! There's a tiny, inconsequential fire at factory six.

Sweetheart, are you okay?

Don't touch me! You've done enough damage here!

What are you doing in here? Do I ever set foot in your rooms? Get back here!

Theodore, stop it! They were just concerned for their father!

They can't see me in a state of weakness or they'll lose respect for me, Marjorie!

I'm kind of an authority figure around here!

You people think I can just stop working at the drop of a nutsack?

That I'm vulnerable due to my factory exploding,

subjecting me to countless criminal investigations?

Literally no one is thinking any of that, Theodore!

Well if I'm so weak and vulnerable how would I be able to do this?

- I'm stronger than a velociraptor! - We're sorry, Sweety!

You like that, Little Theo? That's you!

This plant is you. What's the other one's name? Stebe?

This plant represents your stupid little face, Stebe!

No! Our government issued tree!

Alright there, guy, here we are!

This isn't Cone Zone.

Yep, Cone Zone Ice Cream Parlor! Says right on this map!

Okay. Thank you.

Hey there! You seem like a nice dog!

Most animals just attack me on sight! You're probably like, 'even birds?'

Help me! There's a crazy dog chasing me and one bird so far!

You guys work for Cone Zone?

Get to the bunker!

Let's ride, dog!

Matt! We sent you to the Cone Zone an hour ago! Bring in those scoops!

Yeah okay, you got it, I just have to go to my room...

God, spare us the details.

Okay, dog. Stay here and play with Pop-Pop.

I'll go talk everyone into letting you stay with us!

Don't worry. I'm kind of an authority figure around here.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Hornsby?

Ah, Young Jonathan, yes? Head Operator at Factory Six, yes?

Hope our little Christmas Eve mishap hasn't delayed

the release of Blooming Onion Royal Crackers now, has it?

Wonderful! Hey, you hungry?

What? Oh no thank you. I ate four corn dogs on the way here.

Oh, I insist! We sent an intern to salvage

a box off your factory floor just this morning! Here you go! Dig in!

I don't know what happened, Mr. Hornsby! The factory workers, the Utzi Wutzi,

I must have miscommunicated the formula for our Onion Blasted seasoning!

No shit, Angela Landsbury!

Your miscommunication created an explosive chemical reaction

of which the world has never seen!

The bohemians at CVM News are reporting that this could forever destroy

the pristine landscape of Bakersfield!

Mr. Hornsby, I signed on to oversee factory Six

because I believed in your vision for an onion flavored cracker! You're my hero!

- The devil you say? - You're my hero.

Maybe we can work something out.

Falsify some documents and find another man to take the fall.

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Hornsby.

I'm already racked with guilt over exploiting illegal workers.

I'm starting to not even recognize the renegade I'm becoming. I feel terrible!

Yes. But doesn't it feel so good?

Yes, Mr. Hornsby. It does.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Hornsby!

Thank you, Mr. Hornsby! Thank you, forever! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you!

I am forever in your debt! Forever and ever. And ever!

Piece of shit...

- Hello? - Fuck! Fucking dog... Kill it.

Kill this fucking dog now!

Jonathan, honey?

The caller ID said it was someone named Theodore Hornsby?

What did he say.

He said, "Fucking dog. Kill it. Kill this fucking dog now."

- Where are you going? - To return a favor.

Don't forget to pick up some milk!

Hey. I need to ask you guys something...

Where were you? We were supposed to start decorating the tree an hour from now!

- We decided to start early without you! - Well then why are you mad at me?

I guess I'm not! I guess this is just how I prefer talking to you!

We wanted to get a head start cause the Family Christmas shoot

is just a few days away! And this tree ain't gonna decorate itself!

Especially if we wanna go big this year!

I got the step ladder out so you could put the star on top

as per our yearly tradition!

The heck?

You guys just chill. I'll go check it out.

Holy shit! Dog, drop it!

- Matt, what is going on up here? - Quick! Get under the bed!

Beating up your Pop-Pop?

Just cause we started decorating the tree without you?

No one gets wetter than I do for Christmas

but you do not take your holiday woes out on Pop-Pop!

That make you feel like a big tough guy?

Picking on a defenseless old man? Let's see how you like it?

- How's that feel? - Look what you're making him do!

- Doesn't feel so good, does it? - This is for your own good, Matt.

This hurts me too. He's gonna faint, Matt!

- You learn your lesson? - Say you've learned your lesson!

Say you've learned your lesson and it can stop right now. Just say it!

Keep an eye on him. I'll be comin' back for seconds.

You have officially unleashed the beast.

What can I do ya for?

- Where is the dog? - What?

Who is that?

Why don't you try dancing with someone with some stage presence?

Don't make me use this, Buck-o!

Last chance. Hand over the dog.

You'll pay! You'll all pay!

Now where were we?

- Oh my god he's adorable! - That's a good ass dog!

Matt, where did you find this little cutie?

It was just wandering around the new Cone Zone Creamery! Can we keep it?

Of course! He just saved your Daddy's life!

Guess who's not bleeding anymore!

Dear god!

- What the fuck, dude? - Dog, drop it!

You see that, Dad? He learned it from you! He learned it from watching you.

Okay! I know, I know! Mommy looks like a little scary.

But it's just me inside this shirt and behind this guitar.

See? Christmas is nothing to be afraid of!

First of all, this shirt is very comfy. And the collar's nice and loose!

Look! I'm breathing just fine! Not to mention how cool I look!

And Theo, I know this thing may look like a demonic beast from hell and it is!

But not if you learn how to tame it!

Okay... Looks like my hands are in the right place...

Let's see here. I guess This is something called a Drop D?

Let's give it a whirl!

- That's pretty cool! - Sufi baby!

Mommy, you're our hero.

You guys never let me have three scoops! And Dog loves it too!

Matt, we gotta take Dog to the pound so he can be euthanized.

Look, we don't wanna do it either. We all love Dog but he's dangerous!

- He keeps attacking Pop-Pop! - Dog is a girl!

No, Matt. Dog is a boy. He's just neutered.

- That's why his dick was cut off. - And replaced with a vagina.

Oh is that what that thing is?

Anyway, Matt. We can't keep Dog around and risk any more attacks on Pop-Pop!

Why not? Dog saved our lives! What has Pop-Pop ever done for us?

- I beg your pudding? - What?

Okay. You want me to list all the things he's done for this family?

How long's this list gotta be? How about four?

Would that be a long enough list for you? How bout five things?

What happens when I get to five? Let me guess: Six?

You want six things that Pop-Pop's done for us?

I can't even... Do I look like Santa? Is that what I look like to you?

Cause I got better things to do today than sit around here making lists.

- What's happening? - What the heck?

Hornsbys! You are in possession of a contaminated life form

from the Factory Six Exclusion Zone!

You are jeopardizing public health and safety! Come with us immediately!

Well, you heard'm let's go!

Congratulations! Your exposure to intense levels of radiation have made you

a prime candidate for residency within Factory Six Exclusion Zone!

A bustling work/live encampment where you'll be contributing to the restoration

of Bakersfield's illustrious industrial belt.

What are they gonna do with Dog?

Don't worry, Matt! Dog's gonna be fine! These are the good guys!

I'd hate to be in your simple flats right now.

The destruction of an entire town at your feet?

Tell me what happened at Factory Six!

Corn Dog cart just pulled up outside. You go on ahead.

I'll finish up with this one.

Now where were we...

- My love. - Theodore!

These fellas think I'm responsible for that terrible Christmas Eve explosion!

This Christmas bullshit your on, Marjorie.

They've got it in their rubber skulls that it distracted me

from my safety duties within the company. And they're right.

I just wanted to spend too much time with my family on Christmas... Eve.

But they'll send me away from my boys, Theodore. They need me!

No, they don't, Marjorie. Think about it.

What becomes of you if I get sent away? You become poor and destitute.

Eventually all you have is that fully paid-off mansion I've left behind.

Imagine. Little Theo Jr growing up wandering the halls aimlessly?

Constantly reminiscing of days gone by.

- Stebe would manage alright! - He's long dead in this scenario!

You have to take the fall for this, my love. For our family.

What was that?

What the hell?

What was that? C'mon, move it.

Run! Go, go! Move it, run, run.

What was that?

What the hell? Run! Go! Go! Move it! Run!

What the hell? What was that?!

What the hell?

Run!

What was that?!

My god!

It's time to put that dog down, kid!

Run for it!

No! Dog!

Okay, my beautiful boys. Mama got in some trouble and...

Now she's got to go with the other factory workers

and help clean up the mess she made, okay?

You be on your best behavior while I'm away.

Don't you worry, I'll be home in no time.

I love you.

Dog!

Matt!

Matt!

Dog!

Let's ride, Dog!

Merry Christmas!

Hey sweety! How'd everything go?

Did you get the milk?

Till we meet in Valhalla, my lord.

Utzilias... my time has come...

I only wish I could see my boys one last time.

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