Original subtitles

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GEORGE COULAM: What is a king without his kingdom?

What is the king without his kingdom?

What is the king without his property?

-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(BIRDS CHIRPING)

GEORGE: He's free.

♪ (DRUM MARCH PLAYING) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LISA: (OVER RADIO) Bill, this is Lisa.

Bill, this is Lisa.

BILL: (OVER RADIO) Go ahead, Lisa!

We going soonish?

BILL: I believe so.

LISA: Copy, we're going at 8:50. Four minutes.

(HORN HONKING)

Show time!

LISA: Ten.

CANNON GUARD: Enforce the cannon line!

LISA: Five.

(GROWLS)

Go cannon.

Cannon fire!

Cannon fire!

Cannon fire!

-(EXPLOSIVE SHOT) -(RINGING SOUND)

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF BALDWIN: Huzzah!

(CROWD CHEERING)

-Huzzah! -CROWD: Huzzah!

JEFF: Huzzah!

Are you having a good time?

(CROWD CHEERS)

JEFF: Lift up your cares, friends!

(CHEERING)

Welcome to the Texas Renaissance Festival!

-♪ (UPBEAT DRUMS PLAYING) ♪ -(CROWD CHEERING)

(RADIO BEEPING)

Hey, could you tell me what the last count was?

Lords and ladies of the Realm, your count is 30,095.

Your daily projection is 31,000,

and your yearly projection is 420,000.

Huzzah!

EMPLOYEE: Enjoy the kingdom.

Greetings, lords and ladies, lads and lasses!

Welcome to New Market Village!

CRIER: Step right up! Prove your strength!

Lords and ladies, rickshaws over here!

LOUIE MIGLIACCIO: I can take you anywhere you want to go.

DON WHITE: Every Renaissance Fair

in the United States came into being

because they wanted to be like George.

He started with nothing and built this whole thing.

(KNIGHT SCREAMS)

TERRENCE: When I first started working with King George,

I got a job as his court jester.

And my jester name was Nitchnick.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Nitchnick!

(NORMAL) Make way for the king!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Make way for my king!

(GIGGLES, CHEERS)

(NORMAL) It's a fantasy land out here.

Huzzah! Huzzah!

And some people kind of live in it year-round.

Salut. En garde, allez... (GRUNTS)

(KNIGHTS YELLING)

-(YELLS) -(ROARS)

LIGIA GILES: Every single day,

I pray to two things in my life...

God and King George.

I am here because of one man who had a vision to do this.

To me, he will live forever.

-Olé! -CROWD: Olé!

ALL: Olé!

-Olé! -(CROWD CHEERS)

-Huzzah! -ALL: Huzzah!

-Huzzah! -Huzzah!

-Huzzah! -ALL: Huzzah!

JOE IMHOFF: I was at the right place

at the right time and met King George.

And he allowed me to put sausage on a stick.

(COW MOOING)

EMPLOYEE: Hot, juicy steak on a stick!

MARIA: This is the granddaddy of all Renaissance festivals.

So we prep 1,000 pounds of meat every weekend.

And we go through all of it.

RHONNIE: I mean, there's 30,000 people a day,

so this is a place that people

make millions of dollars just selling meat and beer.

EMPLOYEE 1: They needed to incorporate a city

because this thing got so massive,

and then George bought and created a town.

-(POLICE SIRENS WAILING) -♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GLENDA: He's the ruler.

EX-EMPLOYEE: I've never seen him treat anyone unfairly.

He fired me with plenty of cause.

EMPLOYEE 2: I only know what I've read in the paper.

RHONNIE: He's not crazy.

He's just thinking on a level that you can't comprehend.

EMPLOYEE 3: Did you go out there and see where the sarcophagus is?

JEFF: I mean, if you look at de Medici, you know,

I mean, they would've done the same thing.

DON: It's his dream, and he's living it.

-GLENDA: He is our magic out here. -(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

LIGIA: He should be, and he will be immortal.

OVERLAPPING VOICES: George, George, George, George.

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

LIGIA: I'm pretty sure he will be immortal.

NURSE: So let's go do our stacking.

GEORGE: Okay.

(QUIET CLATTERING)

Thirty-three, three eight three.

So I'm way over my average here.

I'm gonna take you through here and explain everything.

In the morning...

I lay just like this,

and I hypnotize myself.

I tell my brain not to have any epileptic seizures

and to take my medicine every day.

These are my altars.

I start at the health.

I'm trying to find a companion.

This is a good example of my flower arranging.

This is your basic toilet paper dispenser.

It's your basic shower with a...

I like it because you don't have to have a shower curtain.

This is my bulletin board.

Life equals health, longevity.

I'm gonna die when I'm 95.

Uh, companionship, female.

Financial security and team.

Patience, rationality, beauty, harmony, festival, garden, art.

Passing. This is the, uh...

I started to read some books about-

because I was planning about dying,

I started to read some books about dying,

and lo and behold, I discovered that the government

tells you when and where and how you can die.

That really pissed me off.

I said the goddamn government doesn't have any right

telling me anything about when I'm gonna die.

But if you want to die,

there's the only company in the world

that'll help you die is in Switzerland.

And you can go there, and it costs, I think,

25,000 dollars and they'll kill you.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GEORGE: Nobody likes to talk about death.

This child right here has zero friends,

zero relatives,

nobody to talk to about anything like that.

NURSE: All right, I don't like the looks of that lower number.

GEORGE: Nobody. I mean literally nobody.

Five, six,

seven.

Three, four...

five, six.

(GEORGE EXHALES)

NURSE: Two.

(GEORGE BREATHES DEEPLY)

♪ (SOLEMN MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(SNIFFS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

GEORGE: When I first started festivals,

I played the role of the king,

and so I'm still the king to them,

and they call me King George.

But I don't have time and just don't wanna do it.

And so I'm trying to find somebody

to take care of the festival.

I got nine years left of my life, and...

I want to do art...

chase ladies. I don't wanna-

I want to find a companion

and I wanna do my art in my garden.

That's it.

Companion, art, garden.

That's all I wanna do.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

OVERLAPPING DISTORTED VOICES: George, George, George, George.

GEORGE: (VOICE ECHOES) Companion, art, garden.

I want to find a companion

and I wanna do my art in my garden. That's it.

(WOMAN GIGGLES)

OVERLAPPING VOICES: George, George, George, George...

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

OVERLAPPING VOICES: George, George, George...

-JEFF: George! -♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

Yep.

Yep.

JEFF: Financial.

As of this morning, in Woodforest,

we have 4,742,865 dollars and 40 cents

in the bank account.

That's 8,235 more than we had Saturday morning

-when I talked to you. -LAUREN CROFT: Nice.

Lawsuits. Mercifully, there was no movement

in lawsuits over the weekend.

Parking, we'll be adding a fee to every 2023 ticket

to accommodate that.

That'll be a big source of income for us.

LAUREN: I'll get with Teagan today

-to start running those numbers. -JEFF: All right.

-All right. -JEFF: Okay.

-Okay. -(LAUREN LAUGHING)

♪ (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF: George is, you know, Willy Wonka.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JEFF: I mean, he's built a world of pure imagination.

(CHILD WHOOPS)

JEFF: And, you know, I'm lucky to be the head Oompa Loompa.

Marshall, I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah, how much have you been drinking, lassie?

(LAUGHS)

I thought unicorns had four legs.

Hey, Tim. What's up?

So what is our solution?

Welcome to the Texas Renaissance Festival.

JEFF: I was a performer for 17 years.

I was the director of entertainment

for the last quarter of a century.

And I'm the general manager now, and this is my life's work.

I mean, this place makes a lot of money.

But that's not what motivates me.

It's the magic.

Heroes!

JEFF: George brought that magic here 50 years ago.

We need to keep that magic alive.

Shoes are questionable.

I'm the chancellor.

Your boots are questionable.

The hand of the king.

Your shoes are questionable too, and that piercing

needs to come out of your cheek, please.

George has said he's got nine years left,

so he's kind of come up with a nine-year plan.

You need a hat, sir. You, sir, need a hat.

And we're moving ahead with that plan.

♪ (LOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LOUIE: There was always a succession plan,

but it shifts all the time.

There's a track right now

that I don't think is sustainable,

because when you're a 13- to 15-million-dollar festival,

it has to be run right.

Anything that's a threat to that causes concern.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LOUIE: Kettle corn, lords and ladies!

Right over here!

Popped fresh all day long!

EMPLOYEE: Welcome, my dear!

LOUIE: People think it's crazy.

My operation was built on kettle corn.

Hello, ladies, how are you?

I like the smiles.

Kettle corn is the seed for all of this.

Then we got into merchandise, then we did rickshaw rides,

and now we're sitting at 12 programs, 140 staff.

So the growth of our company,

I think, has shocked a lot of people.

And so that has caused some jealousy and strife.

-He's new, right? -Can I do...

Can we get a flower crown on him?

LOUIE: You know, it seems like capitalism

has a negative connotation nowadays,

but I don't see the negativity in it.

I see the beauty in it.

We can do this on a different scale.

You know, wouldn't it be nice to have EDM festivals...

♪ (EDM BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS BRIEFLY) ♪

LOUIE: ...Renaissance University,

new and immersive technology,

things that will elevate our game?

But some people who work here

are actually afraid of that kind of change.

Maybe they don't wanna work as hard.

Maybe they don't wanna make as much money.

But this is where the bus is going.

And if you're not willing to get on the bus,

well, then you're not on the bus.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LOUIE: People do think that I'm gonna take over.

You know, would I do a good job? Yeah, I would do a good job.

JEFF: Great season, guys.

And how long have you guys been coming?

High school.

It's my 43rd year out here, guys.

Huzzah.

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪ (RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF: Welcome to Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

A Texas style renaissance podcast.

Founded in 1974,

the Texas Renaissance Festival

is the largest renaissance event in the nation.

Our festival grounds are nestled in the piney woods

of Todd Mission, Texas,

where magic and dreams come true

when you enter the gates

of our 16th-century New Market Village.

And now, the king.

♪ (TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Thank you, trumpeters. And well met, goodly listeners.

That's right, we've come to the end

of another exciting year.

How absolutely glorious 2021 has been.

(OVER RADIO) I'm here with our first king, George Coulam.

Good morning, George. How are you?

-GEORGE: Very well, my lord. -GREG: (LAUGHING) Oh, thank you.

-You do me a great honor- -(TELEPHONE RINGING)

City of Todd Mission, this is Neal.

How can I help you?

Hello?

Hello?

NEAL WENDELE: Todd Mission is a very dynamic place.

♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

NEAL: And it's our job to handle the things

that the fantasy forgets.

George is the king of the Texas Renaissance Festival,

but he's also the mayor of this town that he's created.

And those are two very different roles.

-(BUTTONS CLICKING) -(TV STATIC)

(VHS REWINDING)

A man had a heart attack in the doorway

of the Renaissance Festival office.

They took 35 minutes for the ambulance to get there.

And then when they finally got him to the hospital,

he was dead.

One fucking hour to go to the hospital,

the man died.

That's why we want an ambulance.

And the county says no.

So I do suggest everybody reaching out

to your county commissioners, if you can. That may-

Well, how about we just don't pay our taxes

then to Grimes County?

Maybe that'd build a fire under their ass.

And guess who pays the bills?

(YELLING) Me!

NEAL: George is a visionary genius.

He built this vision and this is a utopia.

♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

DON: Twenty years ago,

George bought all the land down here

and moved everybody in,

so his fair is completely surrounded

all year by people who do his show.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CURTIS: There's a home for us here.

George Coulam, he... he laid it down.

GLENDA: As a group out here, we've known George for 40 years.

We worked together to kind of build all of this.

I don't know what's gonna happen to it

after he's gone,

because if he ain't working it, it don't work.

There would be a lot of people

that would think that they could take over,

but do you know how many people that's been here that thought

they were gonna do that, and now they're out?

That's why he's the king. (CHUCKLES)

It's like a game.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

GLENDA: The pawns are the people in his realm,

and he's the king.

He moves you around as he sees fit.

CRIER: Welcome to the Texas Renaissance Festival

and New Market Village.

GLENDA: It's just a game.

Some people lose and some people win,

and some people win more than others.

People, they don't really know what he's like.

And they don't wanna know him because they're scared.

You bat your eyes wrong and you're gonna be gone.

You see somebody with all that power

over the people.

-The city hall... -...and to the republic,

-for which it stands... -GLENDA: ...the festival...

but yet he has to have something to fill that emptiness.

And that's what he does it with...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

...his game.

CRIER: Make way for the king!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

JEFF: Before I took this job,

I was a professional actor for a long time,

and so I still dabble in it.

Here's me as Shrek.

JEFF: I was never really into being a method actor.

But I was doing a play called

Daddy's Dyin', Who's Got the Will?

And my father died in the middle of rehearsal for that show.

And so I was able to take that experience

of my father dying

into Daddy's Dyin', Who's Got the Will?

And so the emotion that I experienced

in that play was real.

It's a comedy.

It's all about the kids coming together

and seeing what they're gonna get.

Who's he gonna leave? What's he gonna leave to who?

And so, Daddy's Dyin', Who's Got the Will?

Yeah.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF: There's been a lot of other general managers

who've sat in this desk that don't have the experience

in the theater that I have.

So George and I, we can communicate as artists.

I see some people who come in,

and after a year at the festival

they think they know exactly what this place is.

But I don't think there's anybody

who knows the festival any better than me,

other than George.

He likes being king.

He's never going to sell the festival.

He's gonna be king until the day he dies.

But I'm the executor of his will

and he states out some things that he wants to happen...

to put me in position...

to maybe possibly, you know, fill in for his shoes.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

GEORGE: This is the doll magazine.

-Yes, sir. -This comes once a month.

And I look here to see if they have costumes like this.

And I ordered this doll right here.

This lady will sell me this doll

for 1,000 dollars.

I'd like to have that costume in the Renaissance Festival

and make this costume part of the royal court.

Everybody should subscribe to the doll magazine.

Next.

Here is the information that you asked for your nose.

So what you have is a squamous cell carcinoma.

What kind of cancer?

ASSISTANT: Squamous cell carcinoma.

I have dermis cell carcimoma and I have to go to this doctor.

Stop taking any medications

that'll interfere with the procedure.

You don't have to worry about any of this.

Nothing you take will interfere with any of it.

You're good to go.

I have to take Viagra and Cialis...

and I have to have a shot of testosterone...

once a week.

And I'll tell you, that works.

And if you get a shot every week...

you can have an erection until you die.

And that's my goal.

And if I really, really wanted to die the most perfect way,

it would be to have a woman screw me to death...

and that should end of it and I would just be dead.

That would be the perfect way to go...

other than sodium pentothal.

Okay.

All done.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Okay, this is Victor. He's my personal assistant.

And he helps me

because I don't know how to run a computer.

Uh, he has to help me with my online dating.

And, uh, I'm on, um, how many sites?

Uh, we are on 15.

We're on 15 sites.

So I'm on sugar daddy sites.

My personal assistant told me that I shouldn't tell you that

I'm on a sugar daddy site.

♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GEORGE: Okay, now here we're scrolling right now

and here's some ladies.

And I like a nice, thin lady between 30 and 50 years old.

Yeah, bring her up.

Then he goes on the site

and he says, "I saw your bio

and I'd like to get together with you."

This is electronic dating.

(WOMEN GIGGLING, ECHOING)

GEORGE: But it's hard when you're 85,

because I'm going down.

I want somebody that'll love me and take care of me,

but I'm really starting

very late in the game to find that.

JEFF: (MUFFLED) Here's our financials.

Really and truly, we're looking at almost 5.5 million dollars

if we had to.

We could put more in the rainy-day fund,

we could put more in the capital projects,

if we hit that number...

Website report. This flowchart's pretty cool.

So these are all the dropdown menus.

-These are the main menus. -SEAN: Drainage project.

I've got plants I've collected last week

for the festival that we need to put in.

EMPLOYEE: We're going to hire

an entertainment director full-time.

So I have a couple of questions for you, sir.

JEFF: There's no movement on the land taxes.

There's no movement, absolutely.

GEORGE: That's the highest glory, being in love.

And then you're together forever, even in heaven.

(VOICE ECHOING) Even in heaven...

GEORGE: And then what's Leonard saying?

You know what Leonards are?

This is Leonard right here.

He has kind of his little own brain.

(CHUCKLES) Sometimes he's the boss.

I said, "She's no good."

And he said, "Bullshit. I want her."

(LAUGHS)

So I have to do what Leonard says.

(CHUCKLES) Controls me.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GEORGE: My goal is to sell all my assets before I die,

so I can spend the money.

If I didn't have to do the festival,

then I could just focus in on searching for a companion.

And they're out there. There's plenty of good people.

I just have to have the money.

JEFF: (MUFFLED) ...that PPE loan forgiven.

-And once that PPE loan is forgiven... -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

JEFF: (UNMUFFLED) ...there's gonna be another 300,000 dollars

that joins that. So it's very good.

Uh, Germany, I'm really looking forward to it.

You know, meeting some people in the industry,

getting new ideas.

It's really gonna be an amazing trip, George.

We'll draw up our list of everything we're gonna see,

where we're staying.

Kaltenberger Ritterturnier, some great ideas.

Their jousting show is beautiful.

The whole show's in German,

which is kind of cool.

We won't meet on Sunday,

so the next time you'll see me is through Lauren's computer

when I'm in Germany.

Give me a call. My phone's on if you need anything.

Okay.

GEORGE: Put it on Jeffrey's list that I need his plan.

I already told him before, right?

ASSISTANT: Yes, sir.

I need his plan for, uh...

entertainment.

Need the plan for entertainment.

ASSISTANT: Yes, sir.

(BIRDS CALLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JEFF: Okay. I know all of our time is pretty valuable,

so we're going to try to, you know,

get this done as quickly as possible.

There are several topics I'd like to discuss. Uh...

First off, I don't know how many of you

follow Facebook and social media.

What kinda concerns me is some of the optics

on George's statue.

And I've talked to Karl about it.

I mean, the optics are bad.

You know, they're seeing this bronze of George,

and they're making assumption after assumption.

-LAUREN: A very negative- -KARL: Price increases

in campgrounds and across the board.

JEFF: And this is what we use that money to pay for.

KARL: So that's what George-

LAUREN: Well they already have their opinions so...

KARL: They already have their opinions.

That's social media.

You know, some of them are gonna hate

regardless of what we tell them,

you know, and we can't change those people,

but maybe we can put out our story.

Mrs. Giles has this Polish artist,

and they wanted to create this statue for George,

and that's a great idea,

had we raised three quarters of the money

before the little Polish artist was told, "Start."

So he already has

probably 150,000 dollars into this statue,

and he's here to collect.

George decided out of the kindness of his heart

to pay the artist.

We know how generous he can be,

and that's what the public doesn't know.

And that's what I'd like to get out there.

DARLA SMITH: So how do we change the optics, Jeff?

That's it. How do we change those optics?

DARLA: We can go in and we can definitely list

all the positive things

that we have spent money on this year,

but unfortunately, we all know that's really not the issue.

That's not what- That's not gonna change their minds.

My first thought is that

it is designed to be a gift for the vendors

and so we just put that story out

that this is a gift back to George

for what we've received.

Could be the fact that we want George to know now.

And maybe- I don't know if we wanna get into

-how old he is and what- -JEFF: They know.

But just let him know we wanted to get it out to him now and...

JEFF: I think we need to say it was a gift from the people

of the festival who he's had an impact on-

George has had an impact on their lives,

to honor him and to let him know

he's being honored before he won't know.

DARLA: Yeah. That's a great idea.

Okay. So, tickets?

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

TEAGAN: Because we did a sale for Oktoberfest...

LOUIE: I've been here a long time

and I've gone to every general manager

and said, "Look, I'm here to help."

And I've done that with Jeff.

'Cause it should have been the biggest toga party in Texas.

That was the original plan for it. But it never...

LOUIE: We see it here all the time.

We're like, "You know what? This person could manage."

Then we put them as a manager and then they fail.

Look, Jeff was an actor.

But he's not a businessperson.

I mean, it doesn't have to be expensive.

-DARLA: No. -It doesn't.

DARLA: No, it doesn't.

LOUIE: I think George at this stage is the king.

But I also think it could change.

I just don't think that Jeff has what it takes.

-DARLA: Sounds good. -All right, cool.

-JEFF: Thanks, guys. -Awesome, thanks.

(POWER TOOLS WHIRRING)

EMPLOYEE: Do you want me to order a lunch?

LOUIE: I'll drink whatever has caffeine in it.

(LOUIE GULPING)

♪ (FAST PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LOUIE: I just wanna make sure this gets ready

because we have dress rehearsal weekend this weekend.

And if we're gonna have a show the bar will be open.

This building really needs to be ready

as if fair opens this Saturday.

Can you turn down the intensity a little bit?

Change over into blackout. Red up.

And you've got the red ambience in the back? Cool.

(TOOLS WHIRRING)

LOUIE: Hey, Siri, call Gene Haynes.

(PHONE RINGING)

LOUIE: People come out here to be entertained.

So it's like, what was popular back then?

-I'm like, burlesque, variety shows. -GENE HAYNES: (OVER PHONE) Yeah.

LOUIE: Steampunk is Victorian fantasy,

-we'll do a Victorian craft cocktail bar. -GENE: Yeah. I hear you.

LOUIE: We got to do lemons, limes, a case of each,

-cherries for the cocktails. -GENE: Yeah.

The grapefruit... I mean, how many come in a case, do you know?

'Cause they're big.

GENE: Um, I can check real quick.

LOUIE: Just do it, man. Just do it all.

We'll just juice them all.

GENE: Okay, brother. Sounds good, Louie.

LOUIE: All right. All right, I'm gonna go get someone

to go get beer for you guys.

♪ (FAST PERCUSSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

LOUIE: For George, this is still part of his blood.

He built this place.

But I think that, at least financially,

he's trying to exit out.

I wanna buy the festival,

and I can make that happen.

My parents and relatives are big investors in this company.

I should say they're my biggest creditor

in this company.

So my family's able to see what I've done,

and I know that this place can grow.

(GROANS)

That works.

People just think I'm spending daddy's trust fund,

and we're blowing money like crazy.

But I have a tendency to look for opportunity.

If I see opportunity, I generally take it.

Two for 4.50, any other specials?

There's other people over the years that have tried to buy it,

even brought a check to him, and he's torn it up.

But it feels like the timing is right, finally,

with what he's looking for out of the festival.

Hey, Victor, what's up? How's it going over there?

Doing good. George has dates.

That means he's happy. That means I'm happy.

Exactly. A happy George is a good George.

(CHUCKLES) Like, very happy.

LOUIE: I've told him my desire

and my willingness to try to put something together.

But it all depends. It all depends on him...

and what happens with Jeff.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(COWS MOOING)

♪ (PIANO NOTES PLAYING) ♪

BRANDI BALDWIN: So how was work today?

You know, I love my new job.

-I do. -BRANDI: Yep.

Teaching me lots of new stuff, but...

sometimes I miss just being the entertainment director.

-It was easier. -(BRANDI LAUGHS)

Not as much fun, but easier.

♪ ("HEART AND SOUL" PLAYING ON PIANO) ♪

JEFF: You know, and now I'm learning real estate

and dealing with CPAs.

There are days I feel comfortable,

and there are other days...

where I feel like I might be a little out of my league.

♪ (PIANO PLAYS WRONG NOTE) ♪

You need to learn how to play the piano more.

I do.

♪ ("HEART AND SOUL" PLAYING OFF-KEY) ♪

(CHUCKLES)

-We- (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

-We suck. -You know, if we practiced,

-we would be okay. -We would.

-JEFF: Two, three, four. -♪ ("HEART AND SOUL" PLAYING) ♪

BRANDI: (SINGS TO MELODY) ♪ Auditions ♪

♪ What will they be like? Those auditions... ♪

(SPEAKING) Jeff and I got married at the festival.

I was selling programs out at the front gate,

and I think at that time he was Sheriff of Nottingham.

He looked really hot...

-We win. -BRANDI: ...in his tights.

The time that I've spent with TRF,

like, it's just been a dream.

This place is very special to me.

Today, at this audition,

I'm looking for a playful temperament.

(ACTORS CHANTING)

BRANDI: I was the assistant to Jeff for three to four years.

And when he got the general manager position,

entertainment director seemed like a logical, a logical step.

But I've gotta make my own way.

♪ (PIANO MUSIC ENDS) ♪

(WATER BLASTING)

(HORSE TROTTING)

GEORGE: This is my last year.

This is the last year I'm gonna do anything.

Now Jeffrey's got it all.

But Louie desperately wants to buy the festival.

EDDIE: But that's every year. Louie...

Louie, somehow, is he...

He would be a good manager

and he's a smart kid, but...

he doesn't have enough money.

He might do it. You never know. But...

He comes with that right number, you know, he might,

so...

GEORGE: But Jeffrey's problem is he doesn't understand

the baseline policies of hiring expertise.

Right, right.

He had his wife appointed

as the entertainment director, and you can't do that.

That's in his blood. It's-

He just can't just let go of it, you know what I'm saying?

Eddie, you can't do nepotism.

He made that decision, and it was the wrong one.

He has to learn that.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

BRANDI: I'm not asking that you be geniuses in your accent.

Though you will see some people come up here and just rock it.

Fifteen years she spent with ComedySportz.

You know, that's fifteen years of ComedySportz made...

-Makes a huge difference. -JEFF: ...a huge difference.

Very good. Just make sure that you don't swallow your name,

your last name...

GEORGE: It's a typical disease among managers.

They're only as good as their assistants

and the professional help they get from other people.

Even if you are the Queen of Navarre,

or Queen Juana, or Queen Catherine...

GEORGE: Nepotism is not allowable,

ever,

period.

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GEORGE: It's a well-established fact

that family and friends just doesn't work.

(GROANS)

All the friends that I've made in the past

and all the relatives got into business with me

and I got screwed royally.

So who wants to get screwed royally?

And then you think, well...

better to have nobody.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

JEFF: Hey, George.

GEORGE: (OVER SPEAKERPHONE) Jeff, what's going on

with entertainment director?

You know, I think I may have found a way to do it.

GEORGE: You need hardcore Hollywood people

and they know exactly what they're doing.

But, you know, I know that Brandi is talented.

You know, I want-

GEORGE: But it don't work out fine.

And it's proven and you don't have-

There's nothing to argue about. Okay?

JEFF: All right, George. Bye.

Brandi is, you know, infinitely qualified for the job.

I mean, not only does she have a degree in theater,

which strangely enough I'm lacking.

I don't have a degree in theater.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I run a sticky wicket

because I wanna keep my wife happy,

but my wife needs to know

that George is using the word nepotism a lot lately.

That somebody-

somebody put that word nepotism into his head.

You know, I have an inkling of who it might be.

LAUREN: We both do.

Yeah.

LOUIE: All right, Sir Chance.

You ready for this? I think you deserve the honors.

-First batch of the season. -CHANCE: Yes, sir.

LOUIE: Brand-new stick.

Always using a new stick for every season.

We've got to round those corners

and see how much we pop for the year.

Let's do this.

When we're all popping,

we do a lot of parodies of 70s and 80s music.

And I remember doing, like, you know, like,

that old 70s song, like, "Joy to the World,"

-we'd say "Corn to the World." -(LAUGHS)

But one of the songs we'd say was "We Built This Village,"

"We Built This Village on Kettle Corn."

And we really did.

I mean, we didn't build the whole village.

-We built our village. -EMPLOYEE: We're getting close.

-(CHUCKLES) -EMPLOYEE: We're getting close.

LOUIE: Oh, "Bad Romance."

♪ (ALL VOCALIZING TO "BAD ROMANCE") ♪

LOUIE: ♪ Caught in a corn romance! ♪

(EMPLOYEE LAUGHS)

♪ Ra-ra, la-la-la, Gaga Sugar and salt ♪

♪ What's your favorite Kettle corn? ♪

(POPCORN POPPING)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GEORGE: I'm trying to find somebody

to take care of the festival.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

GEORGE: Louie!

LOUIE: (OVER PHONE) Hey, Mr. George. How's it going?

Well, I just wanted to check base with you

on the price of the festival.

LOUIE: Okay.

GEORGE: Okay. Have you got time Friday?

-LOUIE: Okay. -GEORGE: What time? What time?

LOUIE: Well, how about eight o'clock?

GEORGE: So when you come at eight o'clock, I'll show you,

then you- we'll review the price.

LOUIE: All right, George. I'll see you then.

Bye.

Well, that's Louie.

ACTOR 1: (ON TV) Well, I try to help around the place.

I sat here alone

all night in this room...

with your baby.

(ACTOR 1 GROANING)

I wish now that I'd been here with you.

(TV TURNS OFF)

GEORGE: Emotions can really lead you

in the wrong direction.

The last couple of decisions I've made have been good,

but behind that I have a lot of bad decisions.

I bought some property and then sold it too early.

And then I bought some other property

and I paid too much for it.

♪ Ba-ba, da-do La-doo, da-doo ♪

And so...

when I go for my walk in the morning,

I come out here and talk to my angels,

and ask them to help me do certain things and...

My angels...

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GEORGE: ...they help me.

This is Angel Moroni,

and this is who I ask to help me find a companion.

That's Mother Earth, and the Angels,

and Buddha, and Christ.

Those are my three deities

that I communicate spiritually with.

♪ (MUSIC DISTORTS) ♪

I make much better decisions

when I just let them do the talking.

I just say, "Well, what should I do?"

(DISTANT OVERLAPPING VOICES)

GEORGE: (ECHOING) What should I do?

ANGEL: (DISTORTED) Sell it.

Sell it, George. Sell it. Sell it, George.

Sell it.

Sell it, Georgie.

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

JEFF: George is providing us

this once in a lifetime opportunity.

-Eighteen days... -BRANDI: Yeah.

...three world famous events that we're going to see.

And Deutschland Legoland...

-(LAUGHS) -...you know?

Obviously, the trepidation is, we go to Cuba.

BRANDI: Uh-huh.

And when we went to Cuba, the general manager was let go.

You know, I go to- last year, we go to Kentucky

to visit our in-laws. And what happened?

The general manager was let go.

I don't wanna get to that point.

BRANDI: Thank you.

When we drive home,

are we going to sing some Sweeney Todd?

JEFF: We could always sing Sweeney Todd.

-(BRANDI CHUCKLES) -I still want to play Sweeney.

BRANDI: Mm-hmm.

And you'd mentioned wanting to play Lear at one time, yes?

Yeah, who wouldn't wanna play Lear?

Is there anything...

about George that reminds you of King Lear?

Yes.

BRANDI: So what? Like what?

He has a few conniving daughters.

(CHUCKLES) You mean Louie?

-And one daughter that is true. -(LAUGHS)

(SCOFFS) I mean, do I think that Louie

would wanna be in charge?

Of course Louie would wanna be in charge.

But I started the festival at 16 years old,

Louie started it at 30 years old.

You know, I have 43 years.

BRANDI: But he still has great ideas.

Yeah, but there's a difference between being a millionaire...

-BRANDI: Mm-hmm. -...and being the king.

BRANDI: Yeah.

You know? A huge difference.

Lots of millionaires.

Very few self-made kings.

BRANDI: So what does that make you then?

-JEFF: It makes me- -You're Cordelia?

-I would like to think I am. -(BRANDI LAUGHS)

I would like to think I am.

-You know? -BRANDI: Well...

And the king doesn't realize that till the end.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC TURNS GENTLE) ♪

(BRANDI SIGHS)

♪ ("THE BIG BANG THEORY" THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ♪

♪ Unraveling the mystery That all started ♪

-♪ With the big bang ♪ -♪ Bang! ♪

(ACTRESS SPEAKING GERMAN ON TV)

(SPEAKS IN GERMAN)

(TV LAUGH TRACK)

♪ (CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LAUREN: I'm always gonna root for Jeff.

I know he has a vision for the festival.

I know he loves it.

And he molded me to be the assistant he needed.

JEFF: (OVER PHONE) All right, Lauren, keep me posted.

Will do. I'll talk to you in about forty minutes.

I'm a wallflower. I'm able to blend in.

It's kind of making sure each other's back

is kind of being watched.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

-(COMPUTER PINGS) -LAUREN: We can see you.

JEFF: Hi, here we are. I'm in Eresing, Germany.

I'll just go over the normal check sheet

like I normally do.

The share plan, there's no movement.

Subdivision, I know the subdivision

is what you want to talk about.

Darla's on top of things.

I spoke with her at length yesterday.

Uh, didn't know that two realtors

were both listing the same property.

That's my bad.

Chalk that one up to a learning curve, I'm hoping.

Uh, it appears that everybody is on board

with the cocktails idea.

I think you've had multiple meetings pretty much

with all the food vendors. Is that right?

-GEORGE: Yes. -JEFF: Great.

So, and then we see what the German festival's like,

and I'll have a report on that.

My cell phone's always on, George.

Even in the middle of the night, if you need anything,

you think of anything,

I don't turn it off, even here in a distant land.

So, anything you have for me?

GEORGE: Absolutely nothing.

(COMPUTER PINGS)

(DOOR OPENING)

GEORGE: Mr. Louie.

LOUIE: Mr. George, how's it going?

GEORGE: Okay.

LOUIE: Good, all right, so this is what I've got for you.

The goal is to get you to retire officially

on December 15 this year.

And so what I've done here is I've listed out

all of the different pieces.

My family is pretty thick with entrepreneurs.

And I have the money, or at least most of the money.

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

-George is not available. -(PHONE BEEPS)

JEFF: (CHUCKLING) Hi, George. Having an amazing time.

They've got, you know, maybe a park

that's a tenth of our size.

You know, and it's all these narrow medieval lanes.

But this crowd is thick.

They're doing a nighttime theatrical show.

Full lights, full sound.

Well, I wish you were here.

You'd have a great time.

I can't wait to try calling again.

♪ (BAND MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(RATTLING)

BRANDI: We've been waiting 20 minutes.

JEFF: Twenty minutes for a beer? George would have their heads.

Good thing it's German beer.

JEFF: Beautiful work.

BRANDI: If you're buying a sword at the Renaissance Festival,

you're not gonna go home

and keep your family safe with it.

Well, you could, you know.

I mean, it was razor sharp.

Pheasant?

-Yes, it is a pheasant. -Pheasant feather.

BRANDI: I think my brain is starting to shut down.

Babe, I have to give George a report on all the shops here.

-BRANDI: All right. -Do you want a bracelet?

-BRANDI: No, I'm good right now. -Auf Wiedersehen, friends.

-SHOPKEEPERS: Auf Wiedersehen! -BRANDI: Come on, Jeff.

Tschüss.

BRANDI: I think we've done enough for one day.

JEFF: I think the park closes at 12:30 tonight,

so we'll probably close it down.

BRANDI: I'm tired, and we wanna go...

I know we're tired, but, you know...

I wanna go home and sleep in my bed.

If it were called fun, it would be fun.

It's called work, and work means work.

It doesn't mean fun.

Fortunately, my work is fun.

Brandi, you of all people know George.

He is our benefactor.

He's your benefactor.

But he- in proxy, he is your benefactor.

Look at what he's done for us.

I serve George, and by proxy, then you serve George.

-Yes? -Uh, you know what?

Yes, I just wanna hear you say it.

Come on, he's given us everything.

Has he not?

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LOUIE: Hey, Siri, call Jordan.

Yo, hey, man, I had to pull the trigger,

so hopefully that stuff looks good.

-You there? -♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Yeah, yeah, I got you. No, what happened was basically

he's ready to make a deal.

Yeah, you guys know how hard I work. You've seen it.

You know, when it's family money, it ain't getting lost.

Don't you see I want to be the stuffy elite upper class?

JEFF: George is responsible for everything, babe.

He sends us on these trips.

He's given us the life that we lead right now.

You know, the only cell phone I've ever had

is the one he's provided me with.

Have I ever had to make a cell phone payment?

Never.

You know, he's never gonna retire.

He's never gonna fully retire, and I understand that.

But, I mean, when he dies, what's gonna happen, babe?

You want me to be the general manager,

or do you want me to be the king?

-BRANDI: Eh... -Come on, come on.

What?

Just say that you serve George.

Yes or no?

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

Yes. You want me to say yes? I said yes.

(JEFF LAUGHING)

(SCOFFS) Jesus Christ.

How we doing down there?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Okay, I think some of them are straggling.

We're going to run late. So, okay, okay?

We're about to start the show.

There's mocktails on the menu, baby.

Mocktails on the menu.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

LOUIE: So as long as he can learn that,

I'm willing to help with that. I'm happy with that.

It's just a matter of how that comes to play.

And, you know, there's also,

what does Jeff really want in the future?

I mean, I think he wants to own the place or run the place,

-but I've never really sat down and talked to him. -Well, yeah.

LOUIE: It's got to be a good deal.

I mean, at the end of the day, so, you know, if we could-

I could come up with money, we could get to the point

where he wants this and I want this

based on the value and based on what the investors will back,

and there can be an impasse and it can fizzle.

Whatever the price, under me, it'll turn into a great fair.

I don't mind doing that, and I'll spend it

'cause I think it'll really pop. We have a lot of ideas.

I'll text you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CROWD CHEERING)

LOUIE: All right. Let's do this!

GEORGE: Rationality.

When I'm gonna make a decision,

I need to use rationalization

in making that decision.

I make better decisions if I stop, count to ten,

and do it rationally.

Amen.

Jeff...

or Louie.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(PERFORMERS SHOUTING)

(CHEERS)

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING GERMAN)

This is what we've been waiting for.

BRANDI: Yeah.

-♪ (BAND MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(PERFORMERS CHANTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(LINE RINGING)

LAUREN: (EXHALES) Pick up, pick up.

(PHONE RINGING AND VIBRATING)

Um, you got a call?

JEFF'S PHONE: Call from Lauren.

JEFF: Jeff.

LAUREN: Hey, Jeff. Can you talk for a second?

JEFF: Lauren, right now I can't.

LAUREN: It was just Louie-

JEFF: What about Louie?

LAUREN: They were discussing numbers and loans

and what it would take and...

Louie is going to buy the festival from George.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(HORSE SNORTS AND NEIGHS)

(SOUNDS DISTORT)

LAUREN: Jeff? Jeff?

♪ (UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JEFF: How could this happen?

Louie?

He doesn't know the festival as well as I do.

I deserve it.

He doesn't.

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

BOTH: Jeff.

BOTH: Jeff.

FAIRGOER: Yeah, it's King Louie now.

Oh, we always knew it was him.

(ECHOING) Always knew it was him...

-(BREATHES HEAVILY) -Jeff!

(INHALES, EXHALES)

ACTOR 1: One more drink will bring me closer to you.

GEORGE: All hail the new commander, Louie.

-(BELL TOLLING) -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Come now, you cannot be serious.

The key to a successful business is to take risks.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

ACTOR 2: No! No! No! I have a plan

to sell it all!

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

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