Original subtitles

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

Don't you think it's about time

for you to sit on your throne?

Look, I'll do it.

I ran away from a church that worshipped angels.

This is perfection.

What did I tell you about being a pompous asshole?

Let's take it slow.

- Top of the morning! - Have you guys met?

[ELECTRIC ZAPPING]

I needed time, but I didn't get it.

Can't we be friends?

I've been having these weird dreams.

You are a mistake that requires correction.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

[EXHALES DEEPLY] What the f...

[TENSE MUSIC]

- Something terrible is coming. - It's just a dream, okay?

A subconscious rendering of everyday worries.

Or something terrible is coming.

I was burned alive.

Okay, Reggie, it's your first vampire Council meeting, okay?

You're bound to be a little bit nervous.

Burned alive

by a CEO, a nun, and my dad.

And none of them walk into a bar.

[BREATHING SHAKILY] This isn't nerves.

It's a premonition, a bad one.

Okay, okay.

Let's say that you're right, okay,

and something terrible is coming.

- Like what? - I don't know.

But it's heading in my direction, I can tell.

? ?

[MEAT SIZZLING]

[BRAKES CREAK]

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

- Angela Hibbert? - Yeah.

[CAN CLATTERS]

Listen to me.

[DISEMBODIED WHISPERING] Listen, listen, listen.

Why don't you stay a while?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

? ?

[SIGHS]

? ?

[SIGHS]

I miss nice things.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Drink?

? ?

I'm thinking sports coat and suspenders

for a bit of formality and then jeans for comfort.

Thoughts?

No.

It's our first Council meeting.

- I wanna impress. - I made a mistake.

I can't be deacon.

But for all intents and purposes

and ridiculous ceremonial hats, you are.

Look, Reggie.

Taking the throne is against everything I've ever stood for.

I hate politics.

I hate politicians.

I used to fight against the establishment.

[CHUCKLES] And now you are the establishment.

Take that back.

Dude, if you want to be Batman,

you need to be Bruce Wayne too, okay?

We have a plan, remember?

Change the vampire species into something better...

more diverse, more inclusive.

Also, fewer shallow, vain assholes.

But can we?

Yes.

And as your newly-appointed hand,

I will be right there with you with my big brain

to help you every step of the way.

Yeah, Reggie, you will be. [LAUGHS]

And look, with your smarts,

you could not only help me make the changes,

you could make them yourself.

A-and I'll sign off on them.

No, no, no.

You dethroned Logan the Eternally Absent.

This is your chance to create a new world.

What if I don't want to?

I say this with love, Maurice.

Tough shit. This meeting, it's happening.

And from what I remember about vampire proceedings,

they are boringly predictable,

which means every Council member will be there

to worship your every move and do your bidding.

You think?

You're gonna get sworn in,

I'm gonna read the minutes from the last meeting, useless,

and then we're gonna go over your agenda for the day.

I have an agenda?

Dude, vampires love Robert's Rules of Order.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

? ?

So sports jacket, right?

Or... oh, should I do plaid?

[DOG BARKING]

Got my eyes on the prize, Mike.

This dream, we're gonna build it together,

going on forever.

Nothing's gonna stop us now!

[CHUCKLING] Okay, ease up, Starship.

It's one thing to be confident,

but it's another thing entirely to think of the Assessment

as something you can pass easily.

Yeah, but I will,

because you are looking at the perfect vampire specimen.

But every Assessment is different.

You could be writing essays, for all we know.

[LOON CALLS]

Well, I've written over 40 reviews on Amazon.

I got this.

[TIRES SCREECH]

What's up?

I need you to take this seriously.

Being a vampire is complicated. Things are uncertain.

We don't know what our world is gonna look like tomorrow,

let alone in a year.

And once you're turned, there's no turning back.

I get the perks of being a human, I do.

I just want something a little, uh,

you know, perkier.

[SCOFFS]

Beautiful day.

- Yeah. - Sun on your face.

You like the sun?

Yeah, it's nice.

[SKIN SIZZLING]

Oh! [RETCHES]

- [GROANS] - S-stop that!

Jesus, man, what are you doing?

I used to love the sun.

Now it's death to me.

This alabaster skin doesn't tan anyway.

It's all burn and peel.

Todd, do not take this decision lightly.

You're not ready.

What, to be eternally awesome?

Yeah, I am.

You think being a vampire is a costume

you get to wear for a forever of make-believe?

No. No, no, of course not.

[SOMBER DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I feel weird.

Why do I feel weird?

Maybe 'cause you kissed a vampire a few weeks ago.

? ?

Was that a kiss?

Hmm. Weird.

I, uh, don't remember it that way.

? ?

Wh... [SCOFFS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

K-nock, k-nock.

Oh, no, thank you.

I said, knock, knock.

Uh, okay.

Who... who's there?

Iguana.

Iguana who?

Iguana tell you a secret.

- [SMOOCHING] - Can I get you something?

A slushy or maybe your own table?

No thanks, hon.

We are just getting to know one another.

Uh, which begs the question, who are you?

More fun than a barrel of chimpanzees.

Oh, you want a go at these old bones, Romeo?

Then you better come on in my kitchen

'cause it's gonna be raining outside.

- [GIGGLING] - I'm so confused.

Is this about the weather?

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh, Maurice!

She's rude and creepy, sure, but she's just an old lady!

Yeah.

Old.

That's no lady.

? ?

[FLESHY SQUELCHING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

? ?

[SCOFFS]

Behold, I am Altus.

And I bring thee tidings of disaster and woe.

And some other stuff that is vital to me,

but not pertinent to your desperate situation.

Huzzah!

? ?

Huzzah!

? ?

Hello?

What are you?

The worst of all shape-shifters.

He's an incubus.

Altus, at your service.

Oh, we met years ago in Chicago.

You were a cop, a cat, and Richard Nixon.

My favorite president.

They called him "Tricky."

You stole my wallet out of my pants.

Aw, sorry face emoji.

Reintroductions aside,

and I really wanna hear that pants story sometime,

you said you were bringing something?

Tidings of disaster and woe.

Bingo.

It is imminent that celestial creatures,

purveyors of doom, numbers of which I know not,

shall descend from the heavens.

Do you mean angels?

Also bingo.

Harps, halos, and full of celestial fire.

Something terrible is coming!

Reggie, he's lying.

Okay? That's what he does.

I don't believe in angels.

Not really.

Angels don't exist, do they?

Uh, they do, but angels never leave the heavenly realm.

Not anymore. Why would they?

Enchiladas, for one.

I myself have been known

to pass through multiple planes of existence

for a braised short rib smothered in queso.

When are they descending?

I know not one thing more.

'Twas merely workplace gossip I happened to hearken,

except this is no casual weekend away for them.

This is cataclysmic for you.

And you're telling us why?

I seek a girl, 13-ish,

goes by the name of Claire.

Being that you're her friends,

I was hoping you might introduce us,

pave the way, so to speak.

Why are you looking for Claire?

With all heaven about to break loose,

I figure it's time,

given our very personal connection, if you will,

that we finally meet.

You're her dad!

Holy shit balls.

? ?

Huzzah.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] - Uh, ooh, duck, duck!

[FLESHY SQUELCHING]

You, hamster! Stop!

My dad?

? ?

Are you, uh, all... all right?

- Why wouldn't I be? - [LAUGHS STIFFLY]

Well, an incubus just told us that angels were coming,

and based on your previous relationship

with at least the idea of them,

I assume you would have some thoughts on the subject.

I was sure...

no, I am sure that they don't exist.

Okay? They can't.

And I'd be inclined to agree with you

if not for the fact that a few months ago,

I was 100% sure vampires didn't exist,

and I do exist, and incubi exist,

proven by Altus' shape-shifting...

the old crone, the man, and then the rodent.

Mm, don't forget father.

Yeah, Claire's father.

Why does that feel like the most

impossible thing about this day?

Because she's never mentioned a dad.

It's always been her and her mom.

Except... Claire did say she thinks

Anne is being visited by something in the night.

Like, an incubus something?

It could explain the...

Man, poor Claire.

You know, you spend your whole life thinking, no father,

only to have one suddenly materialize

right in front of you?

Th-that's gotta be disturbing.

As disturbing as angels?

[SIGHS]

Man, I spent my whole life

telling myself that they didn't exist.

You know, that everything that they taught me

was just a lie manufactured to manipulate me.

But what if that lie is true?

Maybe.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Angels exist.

They're on their way to Akron, and when they get here,

cataclysm will follow.

Is that right?

I mean, my... my dreams were pretty specific...

Is that right?

? ?

Yes, Sarah.

That's right.

? ?

Okay, we only have a few minutes,

so we really need to talk about how we're gonna bring this up.

Bring what up?

Angels, chaos, death.

Did we not meet the same incubus?

Reggie, there'll be no talk

of angels at my Council meeting.

Are we clear?

Reggie, you can't trust Altus.

He's an incubi, and incubi are notorious liars.

He's the most notorious liar of them all.

Seriously, dude, if you bring it up,

my days as deacon are over before they start.

Fine! Okay, I won't bring it up.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[ANTICIPATORY MUSIC]

? ?

Our ride is here.

? ?

Really?

- Just do it. - Okay.

Oh, should we pick up donuts?

"New Deacon Brings Donuts" would be a great headline

for his first ever Council meeting.

Maurice?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Let's say my dad was away on business

or in the Witness Protection Program

or just some guy I never met.

Let's say he was, you know, human.

That I'd understand. But when a shape-shifting demon

is the father of your only child,

you tell her.

I wanted to tell you so many times.

But telling the person you love most in the world

that their dad's a incubus

isn't the easiest subject to bring up.

Oh, so you didn't tell me because it was too hard?

I needed to wait until you were old enough

to understand what it meant.

I'm sure dealing with the news

that you're half-human has everything to do with age

and nothing to do with the fact that you're half-human!

You're right.

I kept it a secret.

It was my burden, not yours, but I was wrong.

Claire, I never meant to hurt you.

What about the guy that's hurting you?

What do you mean?

I hear him, Mom,

when he visits at night.

- It's him, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.

You've been sick in bed all the time.

It's because of him! It's because of the horrible

- things he does to you! - No, that's not true...

Then tell me the truth.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I will tell you everything when the time is right.

Until then, you just have to trust me.

No.

No, he's hurting you.

I know he is. And if you won't

do anything about it, then I will.

Claire.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, great.

We're online.

No one really meets in person anymore.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

Oh, your accolades are, of course, appreciated.

You?

BOTH: Us.

In the flesh.

You better be here to beg for forgiveness.

You brought your own gavel?

We are here to interpret

the previously established Council rules.

And the first rule is...

- No pets. - [LAUGHTER]

Cute, LeBron.

Funny, as always.

As you all know, I am the deacon's new hand,

the deacon who will be sworn in today,

which brings us to our first order of business...

Point of order.

We call for the removal

of Maurice the Not Yet In Charge.

[SIGHS] Here we go.

For what reason?

- Treason. - [LAUGHING] That's ridiculous.

Was Maurice not in league with known rebels?

No, not exactly.

Did he not aid and abet

in the subversion of your very own murder

and execution of Logan the Great and Powerful

in order to take his place on the throne?

Okay, it's hard to argue that one.

Yes, yes.

Then it is without a hint of regret

that I call for the expulsion

of the traitor known as Maurice.

- Stop. - [CROWD GASPING]

While we'd be the first to admit

to dusting the previous deacon,

I would like to cite the ascensions

of Nadja the Bitter, Yusef the Sniffler,

and Jet the Superfine,

all of whom took their predecessor's throne

by deadly force.

Is there a point to this history lesson?

Why, yes, there is.

It's precedent,

precedent that this counseling body duly recognizes,

which I know for a fact, because I read the rules.

The relevant passage appeared on page 5,210.

It's a very big book.

- [GAVEL KNOCKS] - Precedent introduced

and duly recognized.

- Right. - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Release the hat.

Oh, God, not the hat.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

? ?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you, Maurice Miller of Akron, Ohio,

agree to sit upon the throne

of the Deacon of Americas North and South?

If you do, please affirm by saying, "I do."

Whatever. I do.

Dude, you can't just "whatever" the throne, okay?

- A little louder, please? - I do.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Congratulations. You're in.

All hail Maurice, the Once and Future Fucked.

[WHISPERS] Eh, might wanna work on the nickname,

but, hey, we have an eternity.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, APPLAUSE]

Get this damn hat off of me.

Our first order of business,

I have news of great importance

regarding a potential threat to each and every one...

No.

Don't you do it.

Or, and of equally great importance,

is our decision to expand the definition

of what it means to be a vampire.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Oh, thank you, yes.

But after thousands of years, I think we've sorted that out.

Then why does every vampire look the same?

Present company excluded... me, meaning.

Because of the agenda.

The what now?

The vampire agenda.

Do you know how hard we have worked to promote

our reputation as beautiful, smoldering killers?

We have spent billions of dollars positioning assets.

So vampire public relations?

A well-oiled PR machine.

[CHUCKLING]

What, did you think "Twilight" just happened?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Did you think Robert Pattinson was cast by... by a human?

[LAUGHS] Please.

But the look of a vampire should not define a vampire.

I learned it's what's inside them, what's in their s...

I'm bored.

Who are we having for lunch?

Is this what every Council meeting is,

just talking shallow bullshit while...

while a very real threat...

- Reggie! - Hangs over our heads?

What is your lapdog talking about?

Angels. They're coming.

And from what I hear, they're not coming in peace.

Angels? Huh.

And from whom did you hear this troubling bulletin?

An incubus named Altus.

[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]

But... but he brings tidings of destruction and doom.

A-And also, I've had these dreams

that make it pretty clear that...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUING]

Okay, so I've been told that

Altus may not be the most reliable source.

Altus owes me $50.

He owes everyone $50.

He is a liar and a trickster,

and there is nothing he enjoys more

than manipulating the easily duped.

But please, by all means, hand to the throne,

tell us of this, uh... [SCOFFS]

[LAUGHING] This coming apocalypse.

[BOTH SNICKERING]

Oh, how droll.

[LAUGHTER]

Ah, stupid.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

? ?

[YELLING] What the fuck?

Are you fucking kidding me?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

Aren't you supposed to be at a big meeting or something?

Oh, we're, uh, on break.

So... dad.

Pretty cool dude, am I right?

I'm still hoping it's a super elaborate practical joke.

Claire, we're talking about your father here.

If Anne really wanted to create the illusion of a fake dad,

why wouldn't she shoot for the stars?

Why not a Hollywood movie star or, like, a NFL player?

Why some crazy story about an incubus,

no matter how charming he may be?

Good point.

Maybe it's mind control.

[LAUGHS]

Incubi don't do that.

Okay, maybe he's glamouring her.

[LAUGHING]

Incubi don't do glamouring,

except for their ability to seduce.

And don't get me wrong, they are masterful at seduction.

Gross.

Your mother chose him for all things large and small.

[LAUGHS]

Besides, she's a very intelligent woman

more than capable of making her own decisions,

especially when it comes to love.

Love? Please, he's been a deadbeat dad for 13 years,

and now he shows up?

Well, maybe he's been around, and you just didn't know.

That's possible.

Or they just decided to keep him a secret.

Whose side are you on?

[SIGHS] I'm just saying,

if my absentee father came into my life,

I would try to get to know him.

Wouldn't it be great if you woke up one Father's Day,

and you went... [GASPS] I have one of those!

But he's hurting my mom.

Nonsense! He would never.

Okay, how would you know?

Well... [SIGHS]

Listen, kid, I think if you got to know Altus,

you'd realize that he's very kind,

not to mention wicked smart and pretty easy on the eyes.

- I don't mean to brag. - Wait, what do you mean,

you don't mean to brag?

Uh, slip of the tongue. What I meant was...

wh-what I'm trying to say is...

- Altus? - [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] Who, moi?

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

- That hurt. - I hope so, dick.

Call me Dad.

You tried to manipulate me.

I know. It's like we're a real family now.

- Next stop, therapy. - Admit it.

Admit that whatever you're doing to my mother,

it's hurting her.

I can't admit that.

It isn't true.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Leave now.

This is my Slushy Shack, and I want you out of here.

Stay away from me. Stay away from my mom.

I never want to see you again.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Get out!

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Go!

? ?

[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, you're here.

- [LOUD THUD] - [SCOFFS]

I'm okay.

- Your message sounded urgent. - Yeah, yeah. No, it is.

Um, come this way.

[CHUCKLES DRILY]

Slushy Shack heading in a different direction?

Entrepreneurial seminar tip number 23,

ambiance is key in creating an experience.

It is the experience that makes the sale,

not the product.

So the better the ambience, the worse the product?

[SCOFFS] Don't slam the seminar.

It was very legit.

The hotel they held it in had two Jacuzzis.

Proving my point.

A slushy?

Todd, I... I can't.

There is no sales pitch on Earth

that will make me drink this disgusting blend of sugar and ice.

[WHISPERS] It's blood.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- Blood? - Oh, yeah.

I... I mean...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Human, AB negative,

your favorite.

- It's wonderful. - Score!

Ah, man.

Chilled perfectly.

Bright, metallic, with a long, long finish.

I got a guy who works at the blood bank.

It's not a big deal.

You're still not ready.

What?

Mike, come on.

I love slushies.

I... I want to drink them when I'm turned,

share them with our kind.

I even have a catchy name for it.

You're not ready, and this proves it.

A blushy.

A blood-a slushy. [CHUCKLES]

A blushy.

I mean, I'm working on it still, but...

Todd, you still don't know why or how we feed.

The blood doesn't come in a hand-cut crystal glass.

What we do is visceral, messy, dangerous.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Show me.

You're not ready.

? ?

The hell I'm not!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Mike, come on. - Eh.

Just hear me out.

? ?

It's 300 calories.

That's 20 minutes on the Peloton.

? ?

I should tell them.

They're my friends.

They deserve to know.

I wish I was taller.

What if I'm stuck like this?

What if I'm done growing?

Mmm. Slushy good.

? ?

[STATIC BUZZING]

[DISTORTED VOICES]

Hey.

- What's your sister's name? - I don't have a sister.

Do you mean my brother?

Exactly.

What's his name if you are who you say you are?

Levi?

Okay, good. You're you.

Pretty much every day. [CHUCKLES]

Claire, what's wrong?

The monster is hurting my mom.

I need him to stop,

and I need your help to do it.

? ?

[POUNDS HAND ON TABLE] This is ridiculous!

Who has time to hear vampire grievances?

- They're eternal. - [GAVEL SLAMS]

Your predecessor was only too happy to hear them,

and he would laugh in their pathetic faces.

Compromise. How about grievances are heard

every other Council meeting

to give parties time to cool off

and to hopefully figure out their own problems

so it'll lessen the amount of grievances

that need to be heard?

- Oh, look! - [GAVEL BANGING]

Today is every other Council meeting,

and I have a grievance with Maurice the Inexperienced

and his poor choice in advisors.

This moron has one encounter with an incubus

and believes that a celestial attack is imminent?

Do you know what? I have a grievance!

I resent being called a lapdog, a pet, and especially a moron!

Well, you could be called a sucker or a slug.

- Will that do? - Yeah?

Your cheekbones are misaligned.

[GASPING]

- Oh, my. - Did he?

- Gasp. - How dare you?

Stop it!

I will do as I damn well please!

[TENSE MUSIC]

I can't deal with this asshole for one more minute.

You can deal or you cannot deal.

You're the motherfucking deacon.

Start acting like it.

- [GAVEL BANGING] - Stop!

[GAVEL BANGS ONCE MORE]

- [GAVEL BANGING INTERMITTENTLY] - Motherfucking deacon.

[BONES CRACK] [ALL GASPING]

[LOUD THUD]

- [CHUCKLES] - There.

All better, huh?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]

The deacons that came before me

ruled under the old laws, laws which compelled us

to live in the darkness of our own shadow.

Why?

Why are we still such creatures?

Why haven't we evolved?

Well, today, the torch of privilege gets passed to me.

And while I hold it,

I will fight for all the things we have yet to achieve...

compassion, tolerance, and justice.

[APPLAUSE]

? ?

There's my deacon.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

It's okay.

Mom sleeps like a log.

I guess someone robbed a church.

Four churches.

If we're gonna protect my mom from this demon,

we'll need crosses.

Protection spell to protect her from harm.

Like a restraining order on my deadbeat incubus dad.

We'll create an energy field so strong

that Altus won't be able to touch her,

I hope.

Here, salt.

Scatter it around the edges of your mom's bed.

- I'll set up the mirrors. - Okay.

I'm hoping these mirrors will reflect

Altus's harmful incubus energy back to wherever he came from.

And make him disappear?

That's the idea.

Whoa.

Claire. Claire.

We don't have to do this, okay?

I get it. If Altus is your father,

then we could be severing ties with him forever.

No, I mean, whoa, what about my incubus energy?

If Altus is my dad, then I'm half-incubus.

Will I be restrained from seeing my own mom?

What if I disappear?

Okay, copy that. We need to undo this now.

[BONES CRACKING]

What?

[GRAVELLY VOICE] Altus the incubus,

father of my child,

you are no longer welcome near my person

and Claire.

[NORMALLY] Honey, did you

really think this was gonna work?

[BOTH SIGH]

- Please? - No.

- Pretty please? - Todd.

Mike, don't make me pout.

I am convincingly cute when I pout.

[SIGHS] Okay.

But that doesn't mean I'm changing my mind.

- Yeah? [LAUGHING] - Okay, so ideally

you want someone who looks healthy,

unless of course it's a cheat day,

in which case you wanna hang around,

like, a French restaurant or something

to capitalize on the richness of their blood.

Ah, oui, oui. Whoa.

Hey.

Yeah, and you want someone whose heart rate is elevated.

It'll get the blood pumping faster.

[CHUCKLING] Wait, so joggers are literally fast food?

This is serious stuff.

But yeah.

Here, hold this.

See you up there.

? ?

[GASPS SOFTLY]

Man, that is so cool.

[SQUELCHING, MIKE PANTING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

? ?

Oh.

? ?

I remember.

? ?

To improve the vampire species,

we have some initial proposals.

I know it'll be very hard, but I believe

this is the best way for us to move forward.

Oh!

[HUFFS]

You bastard.

Now, enough of this blah, blah, blah, blah.

As per the agenda and the rules by which we abide,

it is time for the event we have all been waiting for.

- [APPLAUSE] - Wait, what event?

I have no idea.

Reggie, I thought you read all the books.

Not every rule is written, nerds.

It is customary that at the first Council meeting

of a new deacon... yes, even yours, Maurice...

there shall be, for our entertainment,

an execution!

- Wait. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

No, no, tell me that's not a real thing.

It... it might be a thing.

Oh, it is a thing, yes.

A prisoner has been chosen

and... krrt... condemned

and will be put to death, as is tradition.

Wh-what prisoner?

- Bring in the condemned! - [DOOR OPENS]

Ooh!

[TENSE MUSIC]

? ?

[IMITATES DRUM ROLL]

? ?

Et voil�!

[CROWD JEERING]

Shit?

ALL: Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!

Uh...

ALL: Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!

ALL: [CHANTING] Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!

You really think you've got the guts to sever this neck?

Not a chance.

Angie, shut up,

or I'll have you gagged.

Ooh, Maurice, you flirt.

Angela has already been demoted and punished.

What are her charges?

She glamoured a delivery boy

in direct contravention

of a Council order banning supernatural agency.

- I was hungry. - She glamoured her human lover

to remember everything she had glamoured her to forget,

a direct threat to us all.

Okay, well, I was in love.

ALL: Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!

We're not really considering this, are we?

Of course not, but I need you to find a way out of it.

- On it. - Boop!

- What if I can't? - I guess I'll just have to kill them all.

I'm down with that plan.

ALL: Blood! Blood! Blood!

Eh-eh-eh! You put that back, you cretin!

It's personal.

Got it.

What is it?

- A loophole. - Hold up.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

A loophole, bitch.

Crosses? [CHUCKLES]

If you really wanted to keep your father away,

you could have just put on a clown mask.

He's terrified of clowns.

So he really is my father?

Yeah. Well, that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Maybe you just need to get to know him.

The few hours I've known him,

he's appeared to me as a fairy-tale witch,

a hamster, and my best friend,

so introductions are not his strong suit.

He gets nervous around you.

He always did.

What do you mean "always"?

He's visited in other forms.

Remember that sweet old man

who lived next door for a few months?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

The guy who taught me how to play checkers?

- Mm-hmm. - [SCOFFS]

So how did you two get together?

I was having one of these clich� days

where everything was going wrong.

To cheer myself up, I went for lunch in the park.

And in the middle of my mundane ham and cheese sandwich,

I just started to cry.

And then this fluffball of a puppy comes bounding up,

licking my tears away.

So he had a dog?

He was the dog.

- Oh. - [BOTH LAUGH]

Now, was I shocked when he morphed into Altus

and told me what he was?

Sure. Did I care?

No, because to hell with ham and cheese sandwiches

and clich� bad days.

I wanted something extraordinary.

[SIGHS]

We couldn't get enough of each other.

And then I came along.

Yeah. But honestly,

we weren't even thinking about a baby.

The child of a human and an incubus?

It's impossible.

But I wasn't impossible.

You should have seen his face when I told him.

Was he happy?

He was stunned. [LAUGHS]

And then he was ecstatic

because our love made a miracle.

[TENDER MUSIC]

And I want him to get to know that miracle.

And it's important that you get to know him too.

I can try... maybe.

I know he's a strange father,

but he's the only one you've got.

? ?

The world is a strange and wonderful place.

Yes, it is.

? ?

Yes, it is.

As much as it pains me to admit it,

LeBron is correct.

It is customary for an execution to take place today.

Ha.

But only one.

And according to this agenda,

there are two prisoners in custody.

Therefore, it is customary and according to Council law,

the deacon chooses who dies.

No!

Nice one, LeBron.

Screwed it up again.

Bring in the second prisoner.

- [HUFFS] - Don't worry, I've got this.

I never asked you to do me any favors.

Maybe thanking me for saving your life

in the last possible minute would be a nice gesture.

Oh, Reginald, so young, so naive.

Once you realize that you're an unchanging entity

in an ever-changing world,

you too will be free to be your most authentic self

and never have to change for anyone.

You know, I have some thoughts, but...

oh, look, here comes the condemned.

According to his testimony, the prisoner was changed

on his 87th birthday by a stripper who his, quote,

"stupid brother-in-law" thought it would be funny to hire.

He chooses not to live a life of a man

who's advanced in age and decrepitude,

a fate he sees as monstrous.

Then why didn't he just walk into the sun?

[CROWD GASPING] Oh, stop.

ALL: [CHANTING] Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!

Yes, but what about Angela?

The rules are very clear.

There will only be one execution today.

Besides, the vampire wants to die.

Who are we to keep him from his mercy?

Maurice, as deacon, will you grant

this vampire's wish for the one true death?

- Sure. - And as mandated,

will you grant Angela's request for freedom?

Damn right I do.

By the power vested in, well, me...

[CHUCKLES]

I hereby order the execution of, uh...

[STATIC BUZZING]

Excuse me.

Excuse me, what's your name again?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

- [SHACKLES CLATTER] - What the...

? ?

I am Balestro.

[INTENSE CHORAL MUSIC]

? ?

Oh, it... oh, it's...

it's you, the... the guy from my dreams,

the... the guy who set me on fire.

? ?

Whew, on my first damn day?

? ?

I told you angels were coming.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

You've been quiet.

Watching someone feed for the first time can be jarring.

No, it was...

it was beautiful.

Then why so glum?

You know, I'm athletic, so I'm a little arrogant.

I'm gorgeous, so of course I always get the girl.

I'm strong, so heaven forbid

I ever actually show my feelings.

You don't have to be any of those things.

Yeah, well, it's the life I've been living.

Playing a role with rules in a society made up

for people like me.

Those rules can't be all bad.

Blonds have been having more fun since the Middle Ages.

It may look like that on the outside,

but on the inside...

I've been getting smaller.

[CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC]

And then I met you.

Definitely not blond.

You live life according to your own rules.

I want that.

I wanna be quiet if I feel like being quiet.

I wanna feel the things that I feel.

? ?

I don't wanna hide anymore.

I wanna kiss my friend again

if I wanna kiss my friend again.

I thought you forgot.

? ?

Oh, damn it.

I-I'm sorry. I did it again.

I just jumped in.

I didn't even ask your permission.

[SOFT BRIGHT MUSIC]

? ?

I'm free.

I'm free!

[CHUCKLES]

I still don't think you're ready though.

Come on, man.

Don't ruin a good moment.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

So?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

? There's something I was hiding ?

Um, so you can shape-shift, huh?

Would you like me to turn into something for you?

Anything but a clown.

I hear you do a swell old next-door neighbor.

Ha!

He was great, some of my best work.

You were a terrible checkers player.

- Was I? - Yeah.

Or was I just letting you win in order to curry favor?

Or was I letting you win so that I might be able to...

Altus, focus.

Right, sorry.

I have ADID, Attention Deficit Incubus Disorder.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, if that joke doesn't prove you're a dad,

nothing will.

Hey, if you can shape-shift, can I do it too?

Truth? Not sure.

Plus, it's more of a third wave of puberty thing, so...

Third?

But on the subject of special skills, this...

[IMITATES ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

With the fingers, that's not an incubus thing.

Mom, please don't tell me you're a magical creature too.

Full-blooded human, promise.

But still very magical.

Oh.

Then what's wrong with me?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, baby girl.

An incubus and a human making a child,

that's an impossibility.

I believe you are something altogether new.

You're special.

Our miracle.

Okay, guys, stop it.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

She has your eyes.

? ?

Well, she has your heart.

Okay, stop it!

Seriously. Or I'm out of here.

[WHISPERS] Gross.

And the fingers thing?

? ?

You didn't tell your mother?

God.

Your face, this expression,

it changed when you gazed at them.

? ?

Maybe I have magic, too.

Why?

That's a very strange question.

? ?

Um, this is what happiness looks like

when you're happy for someone else.

There are many variations of happiness in my experience.

? ?

Thank you.

Sure.

You petulant children.

You were given the gift of eternity,

but you have failed to do anything with it.

Other than become monsters, isn't that right?

In the beginning, the world was divided.

Abel ruled the light from whence came humans.

Cain ruled the dark from whence came vampires.

While humans built a world of discovery and invention,

vampires contributed nothing.

To this day, you're only interested

in satisfying your unholy thirst.

Despite eternity, your lives amount to nothing.

And so to nothing you shall return.

We have plans to fix that.

This failed experiment we call vampires

shall exist no longer.

What was made by us must now be unmade.

Listen closely.

You have 30 days.

When the bell tolls midnight on that day, I will return,

and every vampire in this earthly realm will be

exterminated.

[BUILDING RUMBLING, GLASS SHATTERS]

What happened?

Well, good news, I'm not crazy.

My dreams were in fact premonition.

Bad news?

We have 30 days

until that angel comes back and kills every one of us.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

I hate deadlines.

? ?

? My, my, my, m-my, my, m-my, my, my angel lover ?

? My, my, my, m-my, my, m-my, my, my angel lover ?

? My, my, my, m-my, my, m-my, my, my angel lover ?

? My angel lover ?

? Oh, my angel lover ?

? Oh ?

? My, my, my, m-my, my, m-my, my, my angel lover ?

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