Original subtitles

Seriously, Grandad, this won't be here for long.

It's just that the place that I'm moving into is teeny.

How long before you move in?

You know there's always a room for you here.

That's never gonna happen.

I'm sure we're still in a cost-of-living crisis, Veronica.

Paying for water's so expensive,

make you think you're paying for wine.

I-I won't need to do that. Uh, I'll... I'll be fine.

I'll be...

..uh, fine.

So, someone finally learned to grow a beard that connects, yeah?

100% organic shea butter, innit! Yeah.

But I know you Jamaicans don't know about dem things...

Do you know something? I will have you know that as a Jamaican,

not only do I know about shea butter, but you can tell.

Uh-huh. Uh... Yeah, yeah, hold that.

Yo, what you say? You've got Frank. How can I help?

Um, you heard from Tom? Uh, yeah...

No. No, uh, just helping a friend move, innit?

Not since I told him that I...found my own place.

CLEARS HER THROAT

But it's OK, do you know what I mean?

Like, cos we're just... We're just taking time

and space away from each other right now, and... All right, say less.

Yeah. In a bit.

So, here, what, Monday... Mm-hm? ..I put up,

"Brothers love saying they're dating you without absolutely no dates."

Yes. Tuesday, Sean pops up talking about,

"Hey, Empress, let me take ya out."

Sean? Yeah. Omarion, but with height.

Oh. Yes, that Sean. Nah, you guys are rude, cuz.

He's got money, innit? Mm-hm. So, I put on the black Balmain dress

with the Louboutin thigh-highs.

OK, all right. Mm. So you wanted him to die?

Of course, I did. QUEENIE LAUGHS

You see how Kyazike's out here living her best life? Mm-hm.

And you see how I'm watching videos of that sausage dog

wearing different shoes to cheer myself? You like that.

So, he's come out the BM, white tee. Yes. OK.

Jeans.

Out of season Yeezys.

Next thing you know, we're parking up in Crystal Palace.

OK... And what's wrong with Crystal Palace? Ends, innit?

Yeah. "Ends, innit? Ends, innit?" Ah!

Does that sound like an "ends, innit" type of outfit?

I mean... Them shoes. That dress.

He was taking me to a Thai restaurant.

Oh. And what's wrong with Thai food?! You like Thai food.

You like Thai food! Listen, Frank Ssebendeke, the Second,

I ain't saying I'm too good for Thai food...

I remember mine and Tom's first date.

And the first time we kissed, and the first time we...

HORN HONKS

On the real, does...

Does Grandma know that her baby's living in the trap house?

Uh, would we call it a trap house?

Yes. Yeah.

Oh, this is what Tom has sentenced you to.

He's gonna snack on incompetence for the rest of his days.

Look, Tom hasn't sentenced me to anything, you know?

Look, I-I might like it here.

So how comes you've gotta leave when he could just move in

with his rich-arse parents? Well, cos they're not r...

Look, you think... Kyazike, stop that.

Don't touch, bro.

Do you think I could've afforded that place on my income

in this economic climate? Tsk.

Plus, it's...

It's his place. Psh, whatever, man.

Your next article... Mm?

..could be called "How to be Bougie in the Bando".

QUEENIE CHUCKLES

Cos this ain't it. Hmm.

This is sending my Caribbean levels of cleanliness off the scale.

Ah. You good, yeah?

Yeah, man's, good. What, lift something, innit?

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. It's just that I die a little bit inside

every time you bang my dresser on the railings and the walls

and... Wow! ..every other available surface.

Ah, like that, yeah? Can you not? Can you chill?

Well, maybe you should try doing some lifting

instead of just touching up the sides. Mm.

And where did you find this

Antiques Roadshow looking-arse ting anyway, fam?

Cos you know I can just take you to get a new one,

you know what I'm saying? Um, it was my mum's, actually.

Queenie, come see this one.

Thank Jesus you grew into that forehead, cos... Hey!

My forehead was fine. Cos, boy, life could've been peak for you.

Hey, leave her forehead alone, fam.

Thank you. Hey, I've got you. Defend me, yeah. I've got your back.

Although, I can't lie, that was a bit peak, though. Babes!

HE LAUGHS

You know what I like about you?

INTERNALLY: This is how he used to draw me out at school.

Most people leave ends to try and find themselves, but...

I feel like you always knew who you were.

I didn't know who I was then.

And I still don't know now.

OUT LOUD: Wow...

So deep.

Oh, so it's not just the facial hair that changed enough?

All right, I know, man. HE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

What you saying?

Let me just get this one. Sure.

Yeah, how you doing, sweetness?

How did I get here?

You good, sis?

Boy. Have you lot seen this bath?

DOOR CLOSES

I... Hm.

What is all this, cuz?

I really love saying I told you so, but... Then don't.

..this is pathetic. Please don't.

HEARTBEAT POUNDS

Hey, Tom. I'm... I'm all good, in case you were wondering.

ANIMAL SQUEAKING

Found myself a great place to live.

Hello! Cup of tea?

It's giving...aesthetic.

Really interesting housemates.

Very chatty.

I thought you said we'd be doing something fun. This IS fun!

In a clearing your head, releasing negative energy,

and taking new power sort of way. Cassandra.

Come on, next pose.

Palms pressing into the ground like starfish.

Cassandra has always been good at everything and knowing everything.

On the first day of university, she walked up to me and said,

"As the two minorities on the course,

"we should stick together," and has proceeded to tell me

how to improve my life at every opportunity since.

You OK?

I don't think so.

You know, I'm so pleased you're free to finally focus all your energy

on mind, body, and soul. Now find the lengthening in your back...

..and slowly breathe into it.

It's time to do what you want.

It's time to think and reflect. Yeah.

It's time to not wake up with a dick poking you in the back.

What's wrong with waking up to a dick poking in your back?

I liked it.

Plus, Cass, I'm not single, OK? I'm on a break. It's just temporary.

SHE SIGHS I can't do this.

Queenie...

Queenie.

Qu, Queenie...

THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH: Queenie!

CORK POPS, CHEERING

I swear, these parties are like social experiments.

Put a black person in Made in Chelsea and see what happens.

The demographic is posh white folk and me.

Oh, and Sam.

Why the fuck does he always do that?

Sam, we're the only two black people at these things! Just say hello.

Queenie? Hi!

Who is this? Haven't seen you in ages!

Where's Tom? I'm asking myself the same question.

Tell him I said hi, yeah?

Uh, of course.

Hey.

Just made it to Fran and James' engagement party.

Some random guy said to, uh, "Tell Tom I said hi."

Lol.

Queenie. Hi. You made it. Oh, sorry.

Mm. It's OK. Quick, drink this.

Oh, no, Darcy, I'm not really drinking. It's expensive. I'm...

Mm.

No Simon? He's taking a shit.

At a party? Well, he's older, isn't he?

Oh, Darcy, are you sure that I'm not third wheeling? There's a lot of...

No! No, not at all.

Ugh. So many couples.

How was yoga?

SHE LAUGHS Oh, I see.

Hmm. It's the first time I've been to one of these things

without Tom in a long time.

Oh, but it's nice to have you back.

Tom was always pulling you off into corners to chat at parties.

Mm-hm... Let's toast to a little time out,

after which your relationship will surely be greater than before.

UNDER HER BREATH: OK.

This is cool. I'm enjoying myself.

I'm perfectly capable of being at this kind of party without Tom.

And I'm determined to have a good, civilised evening.

Hi, Simon.

So sorry to hear about the...break-up.

Whatever happened to "Hello, good evening"?

It's a break, but thank you.

Thought you weren't drinking much tonight.

Fuck it.

We'd been together for three years...

SLURRING: ..and this is the best that he can do for me.

Do you know what I mean, right? Ridiculous.

What do you mean I'm angry? I'm not angry.

I'm not an angry person. Look at me, do I look angry?

No, babes, you look calm. No, look. And listen.

Hit me here. Right, OK.

And there's... Let me... Let me tell you something else, all right?

I mean, I don't know. He won't tell me.

Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me...

You know, T-O-M, doesn't get it.

Love me, love me... Maybe he's never got it.

Pretend that you love me...

Sorry, but...

He just ran away to his mum's.

I'm fucked.

You're not. But you need to be. What do you...? Give me your phone.

Hey! What are you... One sec... Hey! Hey, what are you...doing?

I'm making you a LoveBelow profile.

No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. It'll be fun.

Step back. Into the light.

Maybe like, pout your lips.

You're so lucky your lips are just naturally like that.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

OK... OK, maybe smile a bit.

Profile pic, sorted.

Uh, what do you want your opening statement to say?

I'm here for a good time, but not a long time.

A sex-positive queen. We love to see it.

Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. That's...

You know what? As thirst traps go, this can run.

What the actual fuck? Does he not even miss me?

Huh!

I'll show him clean break.

I'll show him what he's missing.

If Tom doesn't want to see me in this dress, I know someone who does.

This is fine. This is fun.

This is fine and fun.

Clean break.

Breaking clean.

PHONE VIBRATES

Where is this girl, man?

PHONE VIBRATES

Make me some honey while my sister's making money

Looking fly with my...suit on...

What have you got for us today?

Um, well, I-I thought about this piece called

"How to Be Bougie in the Bando". CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Um, it was about, uh...

..the cost of living for young Londoners who want to have fun.

Um, also a-a piece called, uh,

"Racial Tension - the US and Us."

Uh, "Us and the..." Uh, no. Ugh.

Sorry. It's, "Racial Tension - US or Us."

OK. Mm-hm?

Wordplay aside. Mm-hm. What's the content of the piece?

Uh, well, I thought I could look into...

..people who write about racial tension in the US,

as if it's only happening abroad, when here in our back yard,

we can see that there are many...

Sorry. Who are these people?

Oh, they're mostly white, middle class, hypocritical journalists.

I think I'll stop you there. No, no, Gina, I...

I think this is a really strong piece, and if I could just...

If I could just show you my notes, I... Queenie, you know I...

I love your quirkiness.

But I really need you to focus, compartmentalise,

and get back to being the plucky, capable...

..a-and bright social media assistant

I actually have a lot of time for.

Mm-hm.

Basically, what I'm saying, Queenie, is...

..back to your best, OK? Yeah.

Thank you, Gina, I'm...

Yes, thank you. Sorry.

Thank you, Gina. I'll be...better.

I'll be good.

PHONE BUZZES

My head hurts.

What is he shouting for?

Coffee, paracetamol, or Berocca?

All three, please.

SHE CHUCKLES

Fran and James aren't upset, are they?

Uh, yes, they are.

You threw up everywhere. Landlord says they've lost their deposit.

They can't afford their honeymoon now. What?!

LOUD THROAT CLEARING

I'm winding you up.

Sorry! Anyway, I'm off.

I have to take pictures of some more pensioners who are accusing

their retirement home of stealing and selling their medals.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Not that that isn't very important... Hmm.

..just... Yeah? I got this message from Tom.

Mm.

OK. Interesting.

W-Well, like, what does it mean?

Well, I guess it means no communication

and...give each other space until you're ready

to see each other again, you know?

Like you both agreed.

Am I just being stupid and he's... He's actually done with me?

In my opinion, I-I think you just need to respect his space

whilst you wait to get back together.

You all right, Queenie? Nope.

My life is falling apart bit by bit.

I'm living with people

who don't take their shoes off at the door.

Plus, I had a miscarriage,

and the person I want to talk to about it won't text me back.

Yeah. I'm... I'm...I'm fine. Sorry.

Maybe just focus on yourself for now, yeah? Mm-hm.

All right, darling, I'm off. See ya.

PHONE BUZZES

WOLF WHISTLE

"Hefty"... "Hefty"?

Is this what single people are saying these days?

Does the chocolate thing ever work on black girls?

It's highly unlikely that I'll be giving head to a stranger.

SHE SIGHS

Mm, that feels...decidedly racist.

I know who'll help me take my mind off my heartbreak.

MUSIC: Strike a Pose by Young T & Bugsey

Girl, you're kinda cute, you know

Here all alone, girl, you gotta loosen up

Cos your body wanna move, you know

Uptight, just loosen up...

Didn't Super Freak used to be a hip-hop night? Yep.

Now it's a bunch of people pretending to be woke.

Thank you.

Mm. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

MUSIC: blessing me by Mura Masa, Pa Salieu, Skillibeng

Baby, how you move so dangerously?

Don't you know, don't you know you a dangerous B?

Baby, when you move, it a stressin' me...

Kyazike is literally black girl goals.

My self-confidence is negligible in comparison.

Ancestors, if you're listening, which I think sometimes you're not,

I pray for the spirit of dancing feet.

You didn't bring me this far to embarrass me.

Bless, bless, bless me

Coca-Cola shape, ah nuh Pepsi...

Oh... Oh, no. Oh, no, no!

Koenigsegg, so me make you...quick...

I see the way you control it, dial it

I know you can go crazy, work it...

So, Frank is handy in all situations.

Furniture removal and saving me from weird, starey guys.

..when you elevate, it feel like magic

Make the kitty wild out like Tom and Jerry...

MUSIC: Psycho Lover by SHIPS & Brickwork Blue

I wanna be next to you

Wake up

Wake up right next to you...

Oh, my God. Is it real? Hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing?

She hit me! Are you smoking crack? You'll know if I hit you.

Oh, my days. Hey. I'ma need you lot to calm down, yeah?

Yeah, we're calm, man. Chat to her. Fucking hit me!

I was just standing here, doing nothing. She grabbed my bum.

Oh, so you hit her, yeah? No! Wow! What?!

It really be your own. Tell the truth, you little bitch.

I was just trying to be nice, for fuck's sake.

Hey, hey. OVERLAPPING SHOUTING

If I fuck you up...

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Kyazike! Kyazike, Kyazike. But if I had... Kyazike!

Kyazike, we're leaving.

So you're kicking out the black guys, bruv, what?!

She ain't gonna give you her number!

So your name's Chi Da Kidd, right?

A rapper. Yeah!

OK. Um, so how do you, like, eat?

And like, pay bills?

And stay warm? Babe, my mixtape is hot enough for the both of us.

Oh, OK. Innit? Mm-hm. Hm!

But obviously, I'm just working at Claire's Accessories right now.

Till the rap ting blows up.

MOUTHS: No.

OK! What's the staff discount saying?

I know you're gonna like that. 50% off for you, innit?

Peckham, you know?

The place where dancehall music finally goes to die.

I am not doing diaspora wars with you. Right, uh-huh.

50... Ah!

Hmm!

Got me losing my composure around you and that. OK. Um...

Let me get two number sixteens, please. Two sixteens?

Yeah. Sure. Thank you.

Clean break, Queenie.

ECHOING VOICE: You will always be stupid, just like your mother. What?

HEARTBEAT POUNDS

What? What the fuck did you just say? I...

I-I just said why you still chasing man that left you homeless?

I... It was just a joke. I was just joking.

Oh.

Sorry, I...

I thought I heard you say something else.

Um...

It's like six months and then I think...I'll probably

be on that phone... Forgot your juice.

Listen... Thank you. Now, I know for a fact Tom's having

a good time right now. You should be trying to do the same.

IN BACKGROUND:..OK. QUEENIE SIGHS

Frank's right.

PHONE PINGS, WOLF WHISTLE

I think I'm gonna be

like Jay-Z or something. Oh. OK.

BACKGROUND CHATTER SOFT R'N'B MUSIC PLAYS

If Tom needs space and I need distractions,

I know just the person.

Not every day, bruv...

Look at... Look at everyone is starting with their salad.

I'm not gonna lie, it's time to dip.

It's getting late, and I need my eight hours. Mm.

What you saying, you want a lift? You could stay at mine if you want.

No, I'm good. Uh, my Uber's here.

Make sure you call me when you reach home safe, yeah?

Yes, Auntie. OK.

MUSIC BOOMS FROM CAR

You man ever seen an Uber like that? No. Nope.

Hey, big batty gyal, good evening.

I can see that your chicken needs seasoning. Shh!

Oh, God. Am I really doing this?

What? White not hitting it right? right?

What, you're trying to get down with the brown, yeah?

Can you just drive, please? Why are you in the back for?

Just wanted to be different.

Say nada, my G.

Kissing is way off the menu. Too intimate.

You... You just wanna get straight to it, yeah?

Sorry. Long johns?

What, is it 1895? Adi, why are you wearing those?

Allow it, man. It's cold outside.

Oh, my God.

What do you think? SHE CHUCKLES

Circumcised. It's really been a day of firsts for me.

You wanna touch it, yeah?

It's so interesting how weird dick feels when it's just a penis,

an anatomical penis from a science book

and not the familiar and less hostile dick of the person you love.

HE MOANS

It's called The Destroyer.

And guess what?

What?

The Destroyer wants to be in your mouth. No! No.

Jeez. What's that mean? Does that mean I can go straight in,

then, yeah, or is that off limits, too?

Is this a good idea? Hmm?

If you're still longing for your white man, I got no problem

with dropping you off to him right now.

No, no, no, no. No... No. We're... We're doing this, yeah?

Jee-e-e-ez!

OK, this is me.

Finally stepping my pussy up.

Jee-e-e-e-z!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0