Original subtitles

Okay.

I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else.

You are the most beautiful, sweet, kind-hearted person

I've ever met, and you make me happier than I have ever been.

If you give me the chance, I would love to spend

the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.

Will... you marry me?

Oh, you're done?

-Yep. -No, it was good. It was good.

-A little generic, but good. -Generic?

Come on, that was some top-tier shit.

It was shit, I'm not arguing that.

Okay, and I'm going to beat you to death.

Even your death threats have gotten generic.

I'm not done yet, I'm gonna kill you, chop you up

in little pieces and throw you in a river.

Well, if it were me, I would grind up your guts,

turn you into an aged sausage, then feed you

to people I don't like at dinner parties.

Two birds, one stone, I like that.

-Thank you. -I would-I would bleed you out.

And use your skin as a coat.

Oh, that doesn't sound very warm.

-On a fall day with a cardigan? -See, that's poetic.

Why don't you use that in your proposal?

No, no, Taylor, I don't think she'll go for that.

Well, if she doesn't respond favorably

to the idea of you wearing her skin on a fall day,

then I don't think she's the girl for you.

She is, and you're gonna meet her.

-And you're gonna love her. - Mm, yeah.

I don't know about that. You haven't had

great taste in women since college.

Plus, if she's so great, then why have you been

hiding her from me for the last two times I've been out here?

I didn't want you to scare her away.

Oh, by the way, I know you like to snoop around,

I put all the good stuff in the top sock drawer.

Thank you. Are you sure it's cool

if I crash with you for so long?

I can always get an Airbnb.

Uh, I can't really afford that, but...

Stop. You're always welcome, okay? Breakup or not.

-Thank you. I appreciate it. - Of course, dude.

Now, get out of my car. I have to go.

-Okay. -Oh, by the way.

Do you mind showering before dinner

because you kinda smell like an airplane toilet.

Thank you for noticing. You know, this car makes you

look like a child molester, in case you're wondering

why the cops are knocking at your door.

-Okay. -Awesome. Have a great day.

-Thank you do much. You too. -Yep, have a good day at work.

-Thank you. Oh, your key. -Oh, God, thanks.

-Bye, honey! Bye, sweetheart! -Okay, bye! Bye, honey!

Half past the hour

on this snowy Chicago morning.

Here's some Aaron Espe that'll weather the storm.

♪ I leave all the windows open ♪

♪ Let the light come through ♪

♪ Sunshine warm and golden ♪

♪ Morning making all things new ♪

♪ Home where my heart is ♪

♪ Home where my love lives ♪

♪ Home my beginning and end ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Look at all the colors ♪

♪ Wild wonderful and true ♪

♪ Your breath light as a feather ♪

♪ Like little whispers in the room ♪

♪ Home where my heart is ♪

♪ Home where my love lives ♪

♪ Home my beginning and end ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Home where my heart is ♪

♪ Home where my love lives ♪

♪ Home my beginning... ♪

Carl, what's up, dude?

-Hey! -Oh, hi!

Funny seeing you here.

Actually, that's perfect because I came back up to give you this.

You left it at my place last night.

-What would I do without you? -Get fired, I think.

-I can adapt. -You're too old to adapt.

-That's true. -Yeah, okay. I am late.

And my Stevens meeting got moved uptown,

so I won't have time to get the dry cleaning.

I got it. This elevator's taking forever.

-The button. Right. - Yeah.

-What would you do without me? -See you tonight?

-7:30. Thank you. I love you. -I love you.

I don't think it went.

Okay. I'm buying a pretzel.

Hey, we're about to eat dinner.

You keep saying that and I'm still starving.

I told you not to smoke all of that.

You also said this bitch was

going to be here twenty minutes ago.

Hey, you need to chill. Taylor has a thing about pot,

and I want her to like you, so please just...

-Here she comes. Here she comes. - Hi!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My, my cab driver hit a pigeon

and he was inconsolable, and I felt terrible

leaving him and it was this whole thing.

Ah! Hey!

Do you think that pigeon's up for grabs?

Uh, Taylor, Lexa. Lexa, Taylor.

-You're Lexa? -Yes. Right? Yeah.

-Nice to meet you. -Okay, let's eat.

Uh, yeah, yeah, we know a great Italian bistro a few blocks out.

-What about this place? -My place has great focaccia.

This place has a buffet.

Oh, it also has a, a D health rating.

I've never even seen a D before.

Don't.

Well, did you know that there's enough alcohol

in one cocktail to kill most food-borne illnesses?

That doesn't sound like science.

Come on. Hole In The Walls have the best food.

Back me up on this, Pistol Pete.

-Okay, smell it. -Yes, it's got nectar in it.

Passion fruit and nectar. Do you smell it?

Yeah, but I also got my lipstick on you.

-You guys are cute. -Oh, thank you.

It's really sweet. Uh, so what about you?

Peter tells me that you were dating someone back in New York.

Luke. Yeah, I was. Past tense.

-Oh! - No, it's fine.

I broke up with him actually.

Um, he had these really big teeth.

It was like making out with a Steinway.

I used to be like that, I used to end things with guys

over the littlest things, like they're going bald,

or they like ironic mugs, or they have two first names.

And then she found me, the perfect male specimen.

No. I, um, realized I didn't want to be alone.

Ah, see, I just love the idea of ending up alone.

Wait. You're saying you settled?

No, bear, I didn't mean it like that.

Kinda sounded like it, but it's okay,

you're way out of my league, it's all good.

So, so what about now? A-are you trying to get back out there?

No, no, no, no, not quite. Um, I'm just focusing on

launching this app I've been designing.

Yeah. It's great. I can't

believe no one's thought about this, tell her.

-No, it's not a big deal. - Dude, come on.

Okay, um, so, it's helps you find the closest dive bar.

So you know, like, when you're out with your friends

and you're like, "Oh, we don't wanna go home,

but where do we go?" That's where my app comes in.

Oh, isn't that a feature on Google Maps?

Yeah, but mine has, um, pictures and reviews.

Oh, Yelp?

It-it might not work, but, um...

Honestly, I'm just trying to finish something for once.

I have this really bad habit of starting

things and then dropping them.

Ugh! I'm like that with knitting.

You know, I can't tell you the number of sweaters

that end up as scarves.

Are you guys ready to order or do you need a minute?

Thank God! No, no, no, I'm ready.

I'm gonna do the-the, the spaghetti,

and the chicken marsala, and the bruschetta.

Um, and more of this bread.

-Please. -Oh, wow!

-Woof! -Thanks.

Uh, yeah, we're gonna share the Caesar salad,

and then, uh, the-the veal par-ma-ji-yana.

Peter doesn't eat veal.

-Yeah, I do. -He does.

What? Don't you remember that video that we watched in college

about veal farming, you had a panic attack.

You joined the animal rights club.

-No, I didn't. -You were dating that girl Pond.

-Her name was Lake. -You ate hemp meat.

That was, like, no, that was a long time ago.

Yeah. You went through a really long phase with the hemp meat.

-Long time ago. -It was a long time ago.

-No... -Long time ago--

All right, sorry. The-the first time I-I

cooked for you, I made veal meatballs.

Yeah, that was.. They were-they were delicious.

You cried. You cried and you said that it was,

um, because you were in love with me.

-It was mostly because of that. -Because of the veal?

It was not because of the veal.

Honey, those cows are put in little tiny cages with no light.

Peter, it's not about the cows. You lied to me.

I know. I love you. I'm sorry I lied

'cause I love you, I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

I've made you veal like a hundred times since then.

I know.

-Are you laughing at me? -No, I'm laughing at him.

Um, that's so, like, Peter to

reinvent himself for the girlfriend of the week.

Wow!

She's not the girlfriend of the week, Lexa. Come on.

Oh, no. Sorry. I didn't mean it like...

-It's fine. - No, seriously.

Don't be mad at him. Don't be mad at him.

He's perfect. Be mad at me.

-I'm the idiot. I'm stoned. -Oh.

-She's not stoned. No, you're... -Yes, I am.

Remember you gave me that dry bag of weed?

Not stoned, you're not stoned.

-Yeah, it's just really funny. -No, I'm sorry.

-Honey. -I had a cough and itching.

No, no, hold me hand. Hold me hand. Hold me hand.

I'm from Ireland. Come on, hold my hand.

Lexa's great.

I didn't realize you guys were so close.

Are we having a fight?

I don't know. Should we be having a fight?

-Well, about what? - I don't know.

You tell me. What are we fighting about?

-Nothing? - Okay.

Then we're not fighting.

Okay. I'm sorry that I lied about the veal thing.

I know. But you don't lie to her.

Well, it's because it's impossible to hurt her feelings.

Her heart is buried behind

a Shawshank level security system.

He famously escapes in that movie.

I'm sorry that I lied. I just,

I hate being the person to hurt your feelings.

I get why you did it. I just...

I'd rather you be honest than spare my feelings.

-I'm sorry. I won't lie anymore. -There's a window of amnesty.

Wanna get anything off your chest?

-I hate your mom. -Are you serious?

I have said that she's been a nightmare for years and years,

and you always defend her.

-That's really weird. -I know. I mean...

If she had a really hard childhood, I would understand--

No, she doesn't. There's like no reason.

She didn't come from a broken home. She doesn't have

a weird uncle, she just hates waiters

and puppies and Keanu Reeves which is...

-I love Keanu Reeves. -I know you do.

-You really love Keanu Reeves. -Yeah, I love Keanu Reeves.

Yeah.

-Whoa! Sheryl doesn't. -Yeah.

Yeah, she thinks he's toogood-looking,

which is like, "What, why?"

I can't unpack your mom's sexual repression.

-That's a bridge too far. -I know.

-Yeah. -Anything else?

-No. -Because the window's closing.

-That's all I got. -Okay.

-That's it? Love you. -I love you.

Wait, wait, wait, I actually can't have sex with you

'cause I'm thinking about your mom now.

That's weird. I'm thinking about your dad.

But I'm, like, I'm kinda into it.

-Okay. Wait. -Okay.

-Okay. Wait. All right. -Okay.

You're kidding now, right? About my dad.

No.

Want to watch something?

I'm working and not talking to you

because you were such a dick at dinner.

Seriously?

You called my girlfriend, who I'm proposing to,

a girl of the week, like, really?

Not my finest moment, I'll admit to that. I'm sorry, really.

You need to apologize to her tomorrow.

Done. Totally. Got it.

-Dick. -You love me.

Both can be true. You're like my annoying

Chihuahua that pees on the rug and eats my socks.

Well, I also fit in the purse and love Taco Bell. Arf!

What's on?

E! network's movies be all about love.

Sweet!

Oh, sorry, did I wake you?

I'm late. I'm late. I'm late! I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

-You okay? -Son of a mother!

-Morning! Yeah, there you go. -Hi, there!

You look like you just dropped out of an ad

for a well-balanced breakfast.

I mean, thank you.

Hey, sorry about dinner last night.

Yeah, you know, Peter's talked about you

since we started dating, you're just not what I expected.

It's hard to capture

the magnitude of my greatness in words.

Yeah, exactly. Don't get me wrong, he sang your praises.

Talked about how funny and smart you are.

What's happening? Are you trying to smash?

No, no. I'm just trying to understand

why the two of you never got together.

-Me and Peter? No. Never. -Mm-hmm.

I mean, maybe if the circumstances were different,

but... no, the timing was never right.

So it was just the, the timing that stopped you two?

You're asking an impossible question.

Well, haven't you ever wondered, like...

I wonder about all my life choices.

You're avoiding the question.

-It's an insane question. -Maybe.

Well, um, this was helpful. Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you for this.

-Mm-hmm. -Mmm.

She was trying to smash.

-This place is really nice. -Yeah, do you like it?

Can I get you started with some drinks?

-Yes, um, champagne? -Uh, I'll get a vodka soda.

Oh, come on, live a little.

Okay, I'll get a vodka, no soda.

She'll get a champagne and vodka soda.

-I-I don't want champagne. -We'll get the champagne.

I'm not sure what to do here...

Just bring, uh, two champagnes, vodka soda,

and I'll just drink it if you don't want it.

-You drove. -Yeah, we can Uber.

Pick up the car tomorrow. It's fine.

-You're acting deranged. -Yeah, I feel deranged.

-So, yeah, no, I'm good though. -Okay.

-Do I seem weird? -Yeah, a little bit.

-No, I'm feeling good. -Yeah, oh, wow!

That was really fast, um...

-Good. Thank you. Perfect. -You're welcome.

-Thank you so much. Yeah. - You're welcome.

Honey, are you okay? Are you okay?

There it is. I was looking for it.

Um, okay, that was supposed to be in the champagne,

but it came outta your mouth.

Um, it was supposed to be in the champagne.

Oh, my God!

- Taylor... -What?

Taylor, I know we've only been together for three years,

but I feel like I've known you my whole life.

My mornings don't start until I'm waking up next to you

and they don't end until you're laying in bed with me.

Oh God!

I just, I can't believe I found you.

I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.

So Taylor Bethesda Hamelin,

will you marry me?

I... I... -Are you crying?

-Yeah. Yes, I... -Yes? Yes? She said yes!

-No. No! -Thank you.

-No! -No.

Yes, thank you, that's very talented

but we don't need music right now, thank you.

You can all get back to your dinner. Thank you.

Can you just get up?

Wait. I think I'm having a panic attack.

-Hey, I do love you-- -Wait, wait. I can't breathe.

-Okay. Honey. -I can't see.

-Just stop for a second? -I'm having a pa-panic attack.

-I, I do love you-- -I am having a panic attack.

Hey, can you stop?

Okay, yep.

Peter, I love you more than I can express in words,

but something about this doesn't feel right...

You-you-you're not you're ready.

Well, what do you want me to do to prove to you

that I am ready, like, would you like me

to tattoo your name on my ass?

The fact that you'd even suggest that

proves my point, you're immature.

I thought you liked that about me.

I like that you're spontaneous and fun

and you get me out of my own head.

But-but when I saw you and Lexa together,

i-it proved to me that it's more than that.

-You're-you're a child. -Okay.

Well, let me be your child bride then.

-My what? No! No! -Like, I'll be your child bride.

I think there's just, like, part of you i-i-is stuck in

your past, stuck in whatever you and Lexa share together.

And until you put that behind you, I can't be with you.

I don't understand why you keep bringing up Lexa.

I just don't want you to wake up in five years and realize

you married the wrong person.

It's not gonna happen, Taylor.

- Taylor? -I'm really sorry, Peter.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

She was kidding.

She'll come back.

Peter?

Where's Taylor? I thought you guys were

staying at The Drake tonight.

Peter?

-Do you wanna talk about it? - No!

There's booze here.

I'll tell you what, I'll start drinking,

in honor of you and these tough times,

and if you wanna join me, you're more than welcome to.

Okay. I'm drinking alone now. But it's in solidarity.

We're gonna get through this together, you, me,

and this bottle of vodka.

Okay. Enough, Peter.

It's been days.

If you don't open this door, I'm gonna break it down.

I'm gonna have the fire department break it down.

It's open.

Okay. I'm here to help.

I didn't know what stage of grief you would be in,

so I brought choices.

So we have low fat ice cream and romantic comedies.

Pizza pockets and kung fu movies.

Or whiskey and porn.

Okay, we'll start with Sleepless in Seattle

and end with When Harry bones Sally.

-Just give me a second. -Okay.

-Okay, I'm ready. -Here we go.

-Starting with a rom-com. -I don't like it.

-This is your medicine. -Uh!

Um, yum yum. Oooh!

I hate everyone in the world except you.

Oh, yeah. Time for Shaolin Soccer.

Yaah!

But I think they're making dumplings

and then they're soccer involved.

Open mouth and eat pizza.

This is gonna be the sexiest time

that we've ever had right now.

-Oh, shit! -Oh, my God! What the...

Look, keep looking at it.

I thought we were gonna spend the rest of my life together.

And then it turned out that I'm not now.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Emilio Estevez was our waiter last night at Red Lobster.

-There's no way it was him. -Oh! It was. Well...

You and me, tomorrow night, Red Lobster, Emilio Estevez.

I'm not going to Red Lobster with you.

Because I got better things to do than stalk somebody

who probably doesn't even resemble Emilio Estevez.

And also I don't want to get banned at another Red Lobster.

What did you do?

-I don't wanna talk about it. -I'd love you to talk about it.

Then fine, let's just say, I realized you can actually

get seasick from just eating from a shellfish.

Like, I-I-I knew it was a thing, but I never realized, like,

you could, just don't mix oysters, lobsters, shrimps,

and crabs all in one go.

-Oh, God! -You look like shit.

Taylor left me.

-I proposed and she left. -Yeah, I know.

Everyone at the office heard you bathroom crying.

-Thank you. -I don't know what to do, Doug.

I tried emailing, calling, texting.

She's ignoring me at the office.

I even sent her an Edible Arrangement and then an EpiPen

'cause she's allergic to pineapples and I didn't want

to give her the wrong idea.

Hey! What can I do to help?

I don't know, man. How do I stop feeling like this?

Oh, easy. Death is the most immediate

option but second to that, start dating someone else.

It's only been a week.

I know, but to get over one person,

you got to get under another.

Sorry, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City.

I'm a Samantha.

What am I going to do?

Have you ever tried online dating?

Yeah, I'm awful at it. My bios

are super awkward and I'm bad at dick pics.

Dude, you need a ring light and a low angle.

It's a good shot. Trust. All right.

If online dating is a no-go, why not try for

someone you already know?

I don't like most people I know.

Yeah, what about Carol from accounting?

You know, now that she's gotten her halitosis under

control, she's kind of the office babe.

-Who? Never heard of Carol. -Yeah, we saw her on Monday.

Ca-rol. We're always like, "Oh, there's Carol!"

-Darryl? -What?

-I have an awkward question. -Okay.

How come we never went out?

I don't want to kick you while you're down.

Having said that, I would rather

have sex with that couch you had in college.

Oh, the one with the smells?

The one that had a squirrel living in it.

-Right. Why? I'm a catch. -You're not really my type.

-Unemployed? -Touche.

You know, this is the first time we've both

been single at the same time since college.

-Where are you going with this? -Let me just take you on a date.

Friends shouldn't rebound with friends.

-Why? You're my favorite hang. -Peter. Come on.

You're the only person I can be completely honest with.

Your lumpy parts don't disgust me.

-Wow, flattery. Uh-huh. -All good things.

What if we're like Meg Ryan in all those movies, where, like,

the answer has been right there the entire time.

Or what if we're like those porn actresses that kind of

look like Meg Ryan and the only thing that's gonna come off

this is I get screwed and you leave?

Well, have you never thought about it at all?

-Not even for a second? -Honestly...

Fine, yes, yes, of course I've thought about it,

but there's a reason I never did anything about it.

I mean, this kind of thing only works out in the movies.

-And in real life it's a mess. -Yeah, but...

we're already messes also.

What's the worst that can happen?

A murder-suicide.

That's pretty bad. Second worst?

-We ruin the friendship. -Not if we decide up front.

We go, "Hey, guess what, we're not gonna ruin the friendship.

No matter what happens or what does not happen."

That's what we'll say. You got it.

I'll think about it. Best and final offer.

-All right, I'll take it. -Okay.

-Want to go bowling? -No!

-As friends. -Maybe, we'll see.

She's really coming into her own.

-I know. -So cute. Look at that bee.

I was so worried she'd look like Doug.

Why? Doug's handsome.

Yeah, well, all the parts that you can see,

but he has the weirdest body hair.

He's got this patch on his chest that looks like

the bat signal, and his ass is hairier than his head.

-What? No. -Yeah.

For our fifth anniversary, he decided to shave himself

from the neck down, huge mistake.

So, does he just always have, like,

a full body 5 o' clock shadow?

Oh, yeah, I'm having sex with a chubby cactus

for the rest of my life.

But, I love him, so whatever. You know?

Anyways, that is enough about me and Doug.

Are you gonna go out with Peter?

Oh, Peter told Doug and Doug cannot

keep a secret to save his life.

Okay, well. I definitely can't say yes.

He just got dumped by the woman he thought he was gonna spend

the rest of his life with.

Oh, my God, you think I should yes?

Okay, normally, I would say no, but you're Lexa and Peter.

We all knew you'd end up together eventually.

What do you mean, "We all knew?"

It just seemed inevitable. He was in love with you

all through college, and you kept dating douche bags.

-They weren't douche bags. -Wife-beater Kenny?

-Kenny never wore wife-beaters. -No, Lexa.

He seemed like the kind of guy that would beat his wife.

I'm not gonna argue that.

Greg stole all your underwear,

and Mark who had sex with the ficus.

Mark was sleep walker. He was sleep-humping.

I don't know, the point is,

we figured you two would find each other eventually.

Why? Because a girl and a guy can't just be friends?

No, because he's just better than the other guys you dated.

And you two just always look like you were having more

fun together than everyone else in the room.

That's what it's about, right?

Damn it.

Are you worried it will mess up the friendship?

I'm worried because I think you're right.

Peter and I have something great and if I can't make it

work out with him, then I won't be able to make it

work out with anyone.

Yeah, all due respect, that's dumb.

No, it isn't.

You're letting fear control you.

You are, if nothing else, brave, Lexa.

You should give it a go.

Just take the time to figure out

if you and Peter are meant to be.

-You know you want him. -Maybe a little bit.

Someone's at the door!

Peter, could you grab the door?

-Hi! -Hi!

-These are for you. -What's happening?

I'm picking you up for our date.

Are we in a Hallmark movie?

Most girls say "Thank you" when you get them flowers.

-I hate Hallmark movies. -They say "Thank you."

And then they say, "I'll go put them in some water."

-No, that's a lie. -No, that's what they say.

No, I secretly love Hallmark movies.

Oh, my God, same! Have you seen Christmas Village

Town for the Christmas People?

-That's the best one. -So good.

-You're early. -Yeah, there's no traffic.

I'm not ready yet.

Okay, I'll just make myself at home.

-Thank you. -Welcome.

I'll go put them in some water.

Thank you.

Thank God I made a reservation.

Just one guy.

Luke used to hate places like this.

Why did you guys really break up?

So sorry, but if this was just a friend hang,

you could totally ask about my ex.

-Lexa, come on. -Show me a magic trick.

I don't know what you're talking about.

First-date-Peter would never leave the house

without a magic trick up his sleeve.

-There's no magic trick. -Okay, I get it.

You don't want to bring out your closer too early.

-There's no magic trick. -Really?

-Okay, there's a magic trick. -That's what I thought.

If you casually lean forward so I can see down your shirt.

Excuse me.

I mean it won't work in this dress, but I know your moves.

-I do not do that. -Oh, really?

Oh, that's so interesting.

I didn't know coconuts weren't really nuts.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Weren't really nuts. Huh, boob.

Okay, I have never talked about nuts on a first date.

Uh, I wonder what other nuts are not really nuts.

Okay.

I read a-an article in the New Yorker the other day,

it was fascinating.

I just wanna talk about nuts.

I know this artist in Cambodia,

he makes sculptures out of shoes.

I love nuts.

He reminds me of this artist that we talked about in class.

-Uh, the Ivy League. -I love nuts so much.

But not as much as having no job.

I think you're less interesting than a gum ball.

-Will you marry me? Screw you. -What? Wait, what?

If you think I'm such a loser, then why are we even doing this?

I-I-I don't think you're a loser.

Then what is that, why are you making fun

of the fact I don't have a job right now?

-I was just joking. -It's not funny. Joke funnier.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Looking through the glass.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Looking over fence!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I can't see anything except my dad's friend Jacob.

-Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

-Where are you, Jacob? -Oh, my God, he's on fire!

-He's burning! -Oh, no! Jacob's on fire!

-Call the fireman! -Ding-dong!

-Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! -I'm a fire--

Please... You're disturbing the other patrons.

-I'm so sorry. Sorry. -Totally zoned out.

-Sorry about that! -Thank you.

Well, we'll never doing this again.

-Never again. -Could not have gone worse.

-What? -Oh, I think I feel sick.

-Oh, no, you don't. -Yeah, no, yeah I do. Oh!

-It's the other way. -Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

-Help! -What? Help, how?

Uh, we'll just get the bill.

Oh, my God!

Damn that Hole In The Wall restaurant!

Was it the restaurant or the donut you ate

out of the trash this morning?

-You saw that? -Yeah, unfortunately.

I thought it was so good.

But it did make me thirsty enough to get like four chugs

into that milk carton in the back of your fridge

before I realized it had spoiled.

It's amazing to me that you're still alive.

I'm a little cockroach.

So is this the, um, worst first date you've ever had or..

Don't flatter yourself.

This doesn't even make top five.

-I'll get you water. -Okay. Thank you.

-Great place. Love the decore.

-How was the date? -Bodily fluids were involved...

-No, not the good ones. -Ew. Tell me more. No. Less.

Ah, I'm torn. Hold that thought.

-Ah. Hey! Nice fit. -Hi!

She's going through De Niro phase.

She's obsessed with his style.

Never seen the movies. I don't know, kid TikTok is hell.

Do you remember me? Last time we saw each other

was at the Rainforest Cafe?

I got you that stuffed giraffe.

No, not really, no.

Can you get your finger out of your mouth?

Um, can you get your nose out of my business?

-Watch it. -Oh, you're bleeding.

Honey, don't suck your blood. It's not healthy.

Why won't anyone just let me live?

Are you sure you can handle that 'cause she can be a handful?

-Good thing I have two hands. -Okay.

We'll be fine. I know CPR. I'll Google everything else.

Amazing! You're a life saver. I really owe you one.

Yeah, I was thinking 20 bucks an hour.

-Oh. -$18?

Yeah, I...

Sorry, I didn't realize this was like a job for you, so.

But that's fine. How about 30 dollars an hour?

-I... No! -No, you know CPR.

-I don't CPR, it's... -I don't know CPR.

I was saying that for effects.

-I think you've earned it. -I haven't done anything.

I'm trying to end this conversation

the least awkward way possible.

Got it! Thank you!

-Be good! -Love you!

Blake?

Blake?

Don't come in.

Okay!

-What are you doing? -Just working on something.

An app that helps adults find elite establishments

in which to imbibe.

What are you doing?

Enjoying the slow march to death,

one level of Candy Crush at a time.

Nice!

♪ We are born here from another ♪

♪ We are sisters... ♪

-Hello! -Hello!

Oh, don't be mad.

I flushed a bunch of candy corn down the toilet

and it's making a weird noise.

Why? Why would you do that?

'Cause I thought it was looking at me funny and I...

-I have a surprise. -What?

-Can you get dressed? Yeah. -Right now?

♪ We were homeless ♪

♪ Like no other alive smells... ♪

-He-he-he-he! -What are you... Whoa!

Are we going to the zoo? Or the planetarium?

Well, I'm not taking you on a middle school field trip.

-Oh! Are we going to Spain? -Yeah, we are walking to Spain.

-Ha! I knew it. -It's gonna take two years.

Okay? Stop it. Don't guess anymore.

You're gonna love it, I promise.

-Oh, are we going to Benihana? -No!

Okay, wait, keep your eyeballs shut.

Well, okay.

Do not open your eyeball. Ready? Keep going.

Then what would be the point of putting your hand there?

-I can do it without your hand. -Yeah, you're right.

-Okay. -Okay, ta-da!

-What am I looking at? -This is where we first met.

-We first met in a lecture hall. -No! Tha-that was Psych 102.

This was the first spot. Okay,

I was leaving a party upstairs, remember?

You were sitting literally right there, drunk off your ass.

I came up to you, I was like, "Hey! Where do you live?"

Because I wanted to make sure you got home okay.

-Such a freshman. -But you forgot your address.

You were like, "I forget! I don't know where I live."

And I was like, "Wait, what?" But then,

you did the entire speech at the end of Rocky--

Rocky4, yes.

And when you finished, I was like, "Whoa!

this person is the coolest," and so we became friends.

-High five! -Aww!

Well, that story's both sweet and creepy.

How is it creepy?

Because apparently I didn't remember any of that night,

and you were in the back of the lecture hall leering at me.

-Were you also pining? -I wasn't pining.

Leering and pining and lusting.

Okay, you ruined a moment we were supposed to have.

-It smells like farts in here. -We're done.

-Oh. -Off to tonight's spot?

Oh, there's another spot on this train of fun?

-Yes. Miniature golf. -Yay!

Right, are you prepared to have your masculinity

challenged by a girl?

Oh, you think you can beat me at this?

Oh, I know I can beat you in this game.

-Really? -Oh, yeah.

Every time I have played you at this game, I won.

Yeah, but I have grown into my muscles,

an-and you have withered with...

Yeah? I don't even need to look.

A gopher in roller skates could beat you at this game.

Well, I could beat a gopher

with this golf club, so, circle of life.

I'm going to beat you so bad, you'll think my name is Kenny.

Jesus! Everyone hated him

so much and no one said anything about him?

Oh, I said things. You're just really stummer, stubborn.

So you're just really stummer.

-That does sound like me. Tink! -That was a terrible shot.

But you looked really cute doing it.

Oh, thanks.

The best thing about miniatures golf is that

even when you're losing, you're winning.

Oh, son!

-Ah! God, I love sports. -I know you do.

-Okay, hole two? -Hole two, bitch!

Okay, let's go! Oh, my God! Watch out!

Oh, my God! My God!

What are you doing here?

♪ When I feel myself ♪

♪ When it feels like I was 18 I'm a cat walking... ♪

♪ My money don't slap those weekend ♪

♪ So rich that my currency reaching too like ♪

♪ A bus with a ceiling ♪

♪ Stretch your honey Kool-Aid ♪

♪ Shed that shoe lace ♪

♪ Like kicks fresh on the new Range Rover ♪

♪ Fresh on the coupe ♪

♪ Watch me go like this ♪

♪ Watch me go like this ♪

♪ Honey talk to the ceiling ♪

♪ Wake me up think I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Watch me go like this ♪

♪ Watch me go like this ♪

-Ooh! -All right, okay, okay.

-We're one with the wall. -They can't see us.

They can't see us if we're part of the wall.

Take me home.

It's nicer.

Okay, I'll look out for your cat.

Goodnight, Mrs. Yang.

Are you gonna freak me up?

Yeah, um, do you-do you want me to--

-Put on some music. -Okay. Um...

-Lexa. -What's up?

Yeah!

Yeah!

♪ I don't know why... ♪

♪ We're wasting time ♪

♪ You're all I need ♪

♪ Come away with me ♪

♪ We're in your eyes ♪

♪ Where am I ♪

♪ Make me believe ♪

♪ Come away with me... ♪

that if we continue on this trajectory...

Psst.

Thank you.

-Hey, home is this way. -You have gymnastics.

No! Gymnastics literally makes me want to die.

Why do I have to go?

Because the family calendar says so.

-So? -Good point.

All right, if you wanna skip I'm good with that.

But if your mom asks, you were feeling sick.

You cool lying to your mom?

I'm eight. Of course I lie to my mother.

All right.

-You're so good. -Practice makes perfect.

There we go again.

You should be at gymnastics.

-She twisted her ankle. -My appendix exploded.

Okay. How about you go get ready for dinner?

Fine.

-Wash your hands. - Yep, yep!

Sorry, I know I shouldn't encourage her but...

Oh, it's fine. I've seen her on the balance beams,

she's no Simone Biles.

Okay, can you tell me about what's happening with Peter?

Everything is going good-ish.

I mean, there's a reason why we are best friends, right?

He's sweet, he's funny but...

I don't know, we've been on a couple of dates

and he still just feels like he is my best friend

who I sometimes make out with.

This is very PG-13. Have you had sex?

No.

So you haven't seen his dick yet?

I've seen his dick.

-What? Okay. -Through his jeans.

I've not had sex with him, so, I don't know.

Oh.

What if he is really weird in bed?

Even better.

I dated a guy once, he kept saying

I'm having a very nice time, while he was inside of me.

-That's sweet. -Ew! Sweet? No.

That's what you say when you're having tea with your Aunt Milred

not when you're balls deep in an 18-year-old.

The best sex I ever had was with this guy

who used to collect my hairs from the drain

and make these little dolls with them.

He would make them and then line them up,

and he would name them too, and they'd be like

his neighbors and the baker

and things like that, but the sex was good.

I promise, I promise, it sounds weird. And it was weird.

-Was it kinky? -It was pretty kinky.

Can you please have sex with Peter?

You obviously want to or we

wouldn't be having this conversation.

-Hi. -Hey.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Oh, um, I'm here to get things that I left.

Oh, okay. Uh, yeah, I didn't see your stuff lying around.

- My hair dryer? -Hair dryer?

-Yeah. -Um, okay.

Yeah, it's in the bottom drawer...

Okay.

-That's... yeah, that's the one. -Yeah.

Um, is there anything else here?

Uh, how are you?

I'm fine.

-It's good. -Yeah. Well, not particularly.

Right. Yeah.

Are you, you're okay?

I'm fine.

Okay.

I'm double parked, so, I should go.

Taylor...

Thanks.

Don't know what I'd do, it's my favorite device.

Okay.

-Were you talking to me? -What?

-I thought I heard voices. -Uh, no.

It was just like group of men walking up the road.

But I'm gonna take a quick showie, shower.

Okay.

Peter! Your phone's ringing!

It's okay, just pick it up. Okay.

Hello.

What?

For next weekend?

Yep, I'll let him know. Thank you.

Lakeside Pines called earlier.

-Oh, God, don't be mad. -No, no, no.

I'm not mad, I just don't want this to be awkward.

It makes sense that you would wanna plan

a great vacation like that for her...

-It's not for her. It's for us.

-Really? -Yeah, yeah.

I thought it would be nice to get away for a couple of days.

-Just us. Yeah. -Yeah. Okay.

-Okay. -We should go horseback riding.

Well, it's dead of winter but yeah.

Then what are we supposed to do out there?

Kind of eliminates all outdoor activities.

I don't know. There's lots to do.

-Wait. Oh, my God. -What?

You didn't plan us a sex vacation for us, did you?

-What? No! No, no, I know that. -Because we haven't even...

That'd be like going from zero to--

You know, a 100. Yeah, no.

It was just... that-that was like a break.

It was a nice break, I thought in my mind.

This will be fun and the photos were so idyllic.

You do love Nora Ephron moment.

-I do. Yeah. Okay. -Okay. Okay. Mm.

-Okay. Oh, God! -No, it's not a sex vacation.

I know, I know, I know, sorry. It's just that, now that

we said it, I can't even really ignore it.

-You want me to call and cancel? -Uh-uh.

-Uh-uh. No. -I'll call and cancel.

-Put the phone down. Stop. -Excuse me.

It's fine. This is what we're gonna

do, I'm going to leave and we're gonna

pretend like this conversation never happened.

Where are you going? What?

-Your purse. Your beer? - I'm moving.

- You can have it. -You're just leaving. Okay.

♪ Trying to carry on ♪

♪ Time to radio life ♪

Oh, bird house.

That's cute.

♪ Burning inside out ♪

♪ Coming fast... ♪

-Right.

Welcome to The Lakeside Pines!

-Hear that? -What was that?

-Oh! They're here. -We're right here.

Are we in the right spot? We parked here?

-That's firm. -The bed, yeah. It's nice.

Bed.

Oh, Jesus, we're about to scissor, aren't we?

Okay, don't... Okay, take a-take a breath.

And then you're going to want to be the little spoon.

Well, what if I want to be the little...

-You're freaking out. Yeah. -No, I'm not.

-You're freaking out a little-- -No, I'm not.

-Just a little bit. -I'm not. You're freaking out.

I'm not freaking out.

What if it's bad?

Okay, worst things have happened to better people.

You're my best friend.

So, whatever does or doesn't happen here...

it won't change that.

-Okay. Okay. -It won't. Okay?

Sex has destroyed civilizations, I think

it could take us down if it wanted to.

Well, you aren't Helen of Troy.

You use that line on all the girls?

Only the ones that I like.

♪ When I find we're out of time ♪

♪ Gather around on the floor ♪

♪ We're burning it inside out ♪

♪ Seasonal ♪

♪ Wind singing now ♪

♪ You may hear us let our head down ♪

♪ We're burning inside out ♪

♪ On the count to five ♪

♪ ...lying strong ♪

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Turn Your radio ♪

♪ On ♪

-Whoo! -Wow!

-You are Helen of Troy. -Thank you.

-That was... yeah. -Thank you.

All those years of field work have made you quite a contender.

Sounds like you just used a bunch of fancy words

to call me a slut in a nice way.

No, it's good. I had a good time.

-Hm, yeah, me too. -Yeah.

-You're strong and bendy. -Yoga.

I wanna start doing that.

You were great, but I can send you some videos if you want.

-Really? Yeah, send 'em. -Yeah.

-Okay, I will. -Okay.

-I'm hungry, you hungry? -I'm hungry.

-Okay. -Okay.

Let's get something to eat.

-We'll eat. -Again.

-Oh, that was a good one. -Thanks.

Basket's over there. Yeah.

-You want to get it? -You go get it.

Okay.

Jam?

No, actually, this is a marmalade, not a jam.

Here, try it.

You almost stabbed me in the eye.

But I didn't, and that's what matters.

Oh, anyway, a jam's usually made of crushed or chopped fruits,

sugar, pectin, lemon juice,

marmalades are made with citrus fruits.

And pieces of peel. Oh, God. Oh, stop it.

That is the most boring thing I have ever heard in my life.

Just wait till we get to compote.

Isn't that a movie with Philip Seymour Hoffmann?

-That's Copote. -Right.

Too much sugar.

What's that?

Don't fight me, don't fight.

Is there a fight coming?

Yeah, it depends on the next ten seconds.

Okay. Lexa.

Um, I was gonna bring Taylor here and then we broke up.

-And I forgot to cancel-- -Of course.

This was for Taylor. We both hate stuff like this.

W-wait. Actually, no, actually I did cancel, I tried to cancel.

Peter, I even asked you if it was for her. I gave you the out.

Would you prefer, I told you the truth?

Yes, no, I-I don't know. We just,

we never lie to each other ever.

Really? So the real reason you broke up with Luke

was 'cause of his big teeth?

If you had told me the truth, it would've been weird.

But I still would've wanted to come because

I would've been with you and we always have fun together.

-But, this changes things. -Okay, wait. Lexa, wait.

-Ooh, ooh, ooh! Do it with me. -No.

Just one time. Looking through the glass--

-Peter, stop. - Ooh, ooh! Over things?

Your turn. Chime in. Please.

You can't just sing the Jacob Song

and expect everything to be better.

Not this time.

I feel gross.

Hey!

-Oh, hey. -Hey.

-Came to get a paper clip. Yeah. -Oh, cool. Nice.

Last week would've been our anniversary.

-You know? Yeah. -I know. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I know that things are weird between us

but I was wondering if you wanted to come over

for dinner Thursday?

That night that you proposed, I said some things

that I shouldn't have and...

I-I just would really like to talk.

-Because, I, I miss you. -Yeah. Um, well, I gotta...

-I gotta get these to Dave. -Mm-mm.

-'Cause Dave said he needed-- -Yeah. Dave.

Oh, you're gonna do it right now? Okay.

Yeah. Except, Dave's the other way.

No, I know, I know, I was just looking.

Okay.

Uh, Thursday, invitation's open.

Yeah, not for you. No offense. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey!

-Yeah? -You're ready to go?

Doug and Ella? Dinner?

Oh God, yeah, I forgot. Can you just make up a lie?

I don't want to deal with them asking questions about our trip.

You're gonna make me face them alone.

Seems like the least you can do, yeah.

No, don't do this to me.

Ella's gonna figure out that we got in a fight.

-She's gonna yell at me. -She's a great friend that way.

And then Doug gonna drink too many wine spritzers

and start crying about how much he loves Blake.

Phew! That sounds awful. God speed.

Lexa?

Please.

I'm just a poor boy.

Fine.

Give me like five minutes to get dressed.

Okay.

Welcome to Casa de Doug y Ella y Blake!

-Wow, take it down a notch. -What? It's Fiesta Night.

I made fiesta fajitas. Come on, feel the music.

-Okay, all right. -Would you give us a minute?

Oh!

-What're you doing? -Let's make up.

I'm over this fight. Yeah. I thought about it and what you

did wasn't that bad, plus, I think we're gonna need

each other to get through this Fiesta night.

You know, the door isn't sound proof.

If we're fighting, they're gonna pick up on it.

It's gonna make this even weirder.

-Okay, um... - Super thin.

It's definitely gonna get weird.

Okay, so you wanna just skip to the end where

we make up like we always do?

Yeah, if that's how you wanna look at it, sure.

-But it feels so easy. -Take the win, Lambida.

-Ole. -Hey.

-Hi! -Hi, wow!

-Did you hear us fighting? -I heard everything.

-Thank you. - You doing okay?

Yeah. Hi.

Welcome.

I was kidding.

No, it's so horrible, they like suck up your blood,

you're their food source.

Argh! I'm gotta throw up.

This was delicious Doug, thank you.

Taylor gave us the recipe actually, sorry.

Oh, that's okay, you can say her name.

Yeah. That's not awkward at all.

-Don't make that noise. -What?

That noise. That's gross, we have guests.

-I don't care. -I'm fine.

See, they don't care.

I think you're being polite because it's disgusting.

I think, they all remember you slipping on your own vomit.

-I remember that. -I remember that.

And, it doesn't matter.

What? Gosh, does it count?

-Yes, it does. - Those are tense.

Mm-hm. Hm.

- Are you... -Are you, what?

-In AA? -No. Why would you ask that?

-You're pregnant. -Oh! No, um...

-I was going to some meetings. -You're pregnant.

-Because you stopped drinking. -I'm not pregnant.

Wait a minute, I haven't seen you smoke in weeks.

-You were smoking? -You're in the family way.

-With child. -I had to give up my cigars.

And this whole time you've been smoking?

Hey, okay. First of all,

I don't big, not even metaphorically.

-I know that. -Second of all.

When you smoke cigars you smell like my father.

I was starting to have very complicated dreams.

And third of all, I am not pregnant.

-Hm. -Mm. Mm-hm.

-Hm. - Hm. Ahem!

-She's pregnant! - Doug!

-I'm sorry. What? -Oh, God!

I'm sorry. I had to tell. I'm so excited.

-Yaay! Congratulations. -Jesus, um, I'm at ten weeks.

We just had agreed not to tell anyone

because we've had some false starts, so...

Yeah.

-And we're moving to suburbs. -Damnit, Doug.

I told you, I'm bursting.

-Wow! - Yeah!

Good schools, the kids will have a backyard--

I guess they know what the suburbs are.

But I thought you guys were such city people.

Where're you thinking? Like, Evanston?

Well, we've just put an offer on a place in Oak Park.

-Oak Park, that's on my list. -Your "list?"

I mean, it just makes sense. Right?

Quick commute for work, the kids will have fun.

We're going up. Moving to the suburbs!

-Nice. -Yes, really nice.

And you're excited?

-Yes, I'm excited. -Yes!

I'll drink to that. Cheers.

- Congratulations, guys. -Thank you, thank you.

So happy for you guys.

Please drink my wine. Happy for you.

I could cry right now. But I'm not gonna.

You look little jealous today.

Please don't. You haven't even had dessert yet.

-I'm too big a screw up for you. -You are not a screw up.

A baby called me a screw up at the supermarket the other...

A baby did not call you a screw up.

-He did. With his eyes. -You're a lunatic.

-But you aren't a screw up. -I am.

Okay, if you're a screw up, then I'm a screw up.

-That's adorable. -I pee in the shower.

-Not sometimes, every day. -That's all you got?

Sometimes I pee in the shower when I'm not taking a shower.

Why? It's really weird.

I lost my neighbor's cat and instead of telling him,

I replaced it with a cat from the shelter.

I forgot to pay my bills,

so I didn't have hot water or power for three weeks.

I sometimes go to soup kitchens just to watch homeless people

and feel better about myself.

Well, you know what? You're a bad person.

But you're not a screw up.

Who cares?

You should. You want to move to the suburbs.

-Yeah, one day. -Yeah. With a wife and kids...

Well, I don't need the picket fence thing.

-But, yeah, that's the idea. -Well, you can't do that.

With someone who's life is a mess. I mean, I guess you could,

like my mom did. but look how that turned out.

You're not a mess. You turned out great.

What're you talking about?

I didn't break up with Luke because of his teeth.

I actually really loved his beaver teeth.

But he started bringing up the future.

The wife and the kids, and I felt myself pushing him away.

And then, Luke met Kimberly Mint.

Kimberly's are bitches.

Maybe, but she was ready for all that.

And Luke fell in love with her instead.

And when that happened, I fell apart.

I drank too much, and I smoked too much.

And, I messed up at work and got fired.

-The sandwich place? - Yeah.

-Free sandwiches? - Yeah.

And then my landlord threatened to evict me

so I moved back here.

You're ready for something serious.

And that's great.

But I don't know if I'm ever gonna be a Kimberly Mint.

♪ I love thunder ♪

Why're you looking at me like that?

-Try it. -Well, now, I don't want to.

-Just try it. -You try it.

I didn't do anything weird to it.

I don't know.

You're seriously going to ruin this right now, aren't you?

Ruin what? Your assassination attempt?

It's only an assassination

attempt if you're of international significance.

But you don't denying you're trying to kill me?

It's eggplant parmigiana, Peter. Eggplant.

-Oh! So, I'm the butthole. -Mm-hm. Yeah.

Hm.

-It's good. -You hate it.

I want to like it, but it's not me.

I went to the dark side and I can't come back.

-You're unbelievable. -Actually, yeah, no.

The tastes are kicking in at the end and it's now

forming a beautiful thing that you've done.

Thank you, I'm gonna keep eating it, watch.

Watch this. Ready? Hm!

When I said "No" to your proposal, I said

it was because you weren't ready but I wasn't ready.

You-you weren't who I was expecting to

end up with, you think farts are funny.

Well, objectively they are. Like scientifically.

You didn't have health insurance until

I gave it to you for your birthday.

You're a man-child, it freaked me out and--

Wait, did you just invite me over to insult my personality?

I invited you over to ask you to marry me.

What?

-Oh, my God! Are you dying? -Why would I be dying?

I don't know. Why would you ask me to marry you?

-You annoy the shit out of me. -Okay.

And, there are so many things that, that drive me crazy

about you, like, you-you leave

your dirty socks in my living room.

And-and you put the empty milk carton back in the fridge

instead of throwing it out, and you've made

the 11 o'clock news into a drinking game,

for God's sake but for some stupid reason

you're the first person I think about in the morning,

and the last person I think about at night.

I'm just a little bit confused

because 90 percent of that was insult.

And a ten percent stalker.

Well, I love you so much I can look past

all of your glaring flaws.

Thank you.

You're the person that I can't live without

that I don't want to live without.

-You broke up with me, Taylor. -I know.

I just, I-I was nervous that, that you

and I could never have what you and Lexa have.

I broke up with you because I was scared

and dumb, not because I stopped loving you.

I never stopped loving you either.

Then let's get married.

I can't.

Why? Give me one good reason why.

I'm dating Lexa.

Oh! That's a good reason.

-Yeah. -Is it serious?

I don't know, it's complicated, it's been a month only but...

Yeah, I don't, I don't know what else to say, Taylor.

Say you'll marry me.

♪ In the night... ♪

Lexa?

I need to talk to you.

Lexa?

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And the night comes still ♪

♪ Seeing all ♪

♪ And the night comes our way ♪

♪ Wide awake ♪

♪ The night comes down... ♪

Can you just... I don't know.

Call her a cab to go somewhere else?

We can't kick her out.

I'm not saying to kick her out. I'm just saying

at a certain point, you're too old to be

crashing at people's places.

She's going through a really rough time.

We're all going through a rough time, sweetie.

That's literally what being an adult is, a rough time.

Jeez! When did you become so hard-hearted?

I just want my living room, is that so wrong?

She's our friend.

You ever wonder if we met some of the people

we're friends with now,

we'd still want to be friends with them?

-Journal about it. Okay. -Oh, I will.

-Wife was rude. - Wife is hot as shit.

Aren't you old to-old to be a babysitter?

-No. -My last babysitter was 14.

Oh, so your parents made two bad decisions I see.

Yeah, well, Lexa's my babysitter for now but she also has an app.

-So... -Yeah. That's right.

So do you still have to live with your parents?

Listen. Being an adult is hard.

Harder than people tell you, and sometimes

your plans don't work out and your whole life

goes to hell and the worst part about it is

nobody is even surprised because you're just fulfilling

this little prophecy that they had in their head for you.

So, basically everything about being an adult sucks.

Shit! I'm sorry.

-Please, don't do that. Um... -Being an adult sucks?

Lexa, fix it, fix it, fix it!

It's just gonna suck for a long time and then you die?

-That's it? -No! No, no, no. No, no.

That's not what's gonna happen.

You seem like a great kid with rich enough parents

so, you're probably gonna be totally fine

even if you have a run for a few years,

it's gonna be cool, you're gonna be cool.

So, just relax.

And here, have a string cheese.

I'm not supposed to have dairy.

I won't tell if you don't.

Thank you.

Okay, listen, you guys. You're great.

And, I'm a screw-up.

You guys don't have anything to worry about.

-Oh, my God! Stop. -What?

Your biggest problem is you. You're so mopey.

But your life is pretty good. You kind of have a job,

you get to hang out with me all day which is obviously sick.

You have an app which could totally fail,

but at least you're trying to do something.

Most adults don't even try.

They settle down and get a 9 to 5, like my dad.

-Your dad's great. -No shit.

He's the best, but he's not brave.

Ugh, all this motivational speaking made me tired

and hungry, I'm gonna take a snack break.

Olivia?

Hey, Lex. I wanted to talk to you in person

but I think you're avoiding me.

Which I totally understand.

But um, Taylor asked me to marry her.

And, I think I might say yes.

Um, I know, it's awkward over a voice message,

but I don't know how to get a hold of you.

Uh, so, I don't know what else to say.

But I-I hope you are doing good, uh, yeah.

Take care.

Hey, how's it going?

-What? -You like music?

-What? -Music?

-This music? -Yeah.

-My ears are bleeding. -I know. It's great.

Whoo!

-Oh! -Oh, that was new.

-Good new? Yeah? -Yeah. Like, great! Great!

Where'd you learn that?

-Hm, um... -Right. Mm-hm. Yeah, yeah.

-I'm gonna shower. -Mm-hm.

Oh, my God!

Pete, so like... what was it like dating her?

Peter? I know you can hear me.

This is a trap. This whole conversation is a trap.

-It's a simple question. -Okay.

I-I'm not the bad guy here. I played by the rules.

You broke up with me.

I didn't tell you to sleep with your best friend!

I know that you're hurt right now but I did not

cheat on you, I was depressed

and I was looking for someone to feel better.

-So wait, it was a rebound? -Yes. No, a 100 percent.

It was a mistake. She's gasoline, I'm a match.

You're the person I'm meant to be with.

And it's over?

It's complicated. I'll, I'll fix--

You didn't fix it already? Like, what does that mean?

And why is your junk covered? What are you doing?

'Cause this is a hostile situation.

"Hostile?" It's not hostile, Peter. I love you.

I'm in no hostility towards him. He's my... I love him.

-I deserve him. -You deserve it.

I deserve to see him at all times.

Yes, you do.

Come on.

Okay, don't-don't pee in the shower, please.

Huh?

How have you been?

I slept with a kid named River.

-No. -Yep.

I screwed a River, you nailed a Pond.

Her name was Lake.

Oh, I saw your app in the app store. It's really great.

Oh, were you one of the nine people

that have downloaded it so far?

-Well, these things take time. -Yeah, I tried.

There's something to that, right?

Exactly. Yeah. You should be proud of yourself.

-I am. -Good.

Can we not do this anymore? This sucks.

-Can we just go back to normal? -That's not that easy.

Yes, it is. We agreed that if dating didn't work out,

we would go back to being friends

just like nothing had changed.

-Things did change. -Why? Because we had sex?

No, because I'm engaged.

-Bro's before hoes. Yes, I am. -You're not my bro.

I don't sleep with my other bro's.

So this is because we had sex.

No, it's because I'm getting married

and I can't put our friendship above everything else anymore.

I'm not asking you to do that.

I can't hurt Taylor anymore.

I'm not asking you to do that either.

I think we just need to take some space.

How much space do you need? We already haven't spoken in weeks.

Well, as much as it takes to make her feel okay.

Wait, are, are you friend-dumping me right now?

I wish there was another way, but I-I-I just can't see it.

Okay, so not only can we not go back to being best friends

like you agreed we would, but we can't be friends at all?

I don't know what else to say.

I want to kill you right now.

How? By tying me to two horse

drawn carts and having them run--

Oh, Lex!

Okay, um, these... Your butt looks

really good in this.

-Keep? -Yes.

-Are you okay? -Yeah. Totally.

You excited about tonight?

Not really, you know.

Bachelorettes are a rite of passage, right?

-I suppose. -What are you boys doing?

Oh. Well, if there is a God, nothing.

-Keep box. -Yes.

I just want to get a giant family size box of White Castle.

You know what women think? Let me tell you what women think.

Yeah, I love that.

Women think that men on their final nights of freedom

they just want strippers and beer

but really, I just want a place to fart endlessly

into the sunset without anybody knowing.

-They say romance is dead but... -Nope.

-Proved me wrong. -Not with me.

Anyway. Should I keep this clock?

Yeah.

-Yeah. -And...

Let's start with these ones.

Oh, I need tape.

-Is she coming today? -No. No.

I ended it with her platonically.

Oh. You didn't have to do that.

We are starting a new chapter in our life.

And when we are together, not good.

I don't want anything to jeopardize what we have.

-I love you. -I love you too.

-I need tape. Okay. -Then get tape.

Lexa!

Lexa! Lexa! I know you're in there.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Ta-da!

I was at my bachelorette party.

-You don't say. - Yeah.

What is that? What are you...

-Oh! -I think I did it.

-Wow! -I can't marry Peter.

So, Taylor, as lovely as it is to see you--

-I needed to talk to someone. -And you thought of me.

-Oh! -I broke him.

When I met him, his kitchen cabinets were filled with Legos

and only two days ago

his walls were covered with unframed band posters.

-Sounds about right. -And now, no more Legos.

-No more Sublime. -I can buy you Sublime poster.

I took this wonderful strange man of a boy,

and I-I-I changed him.

And he did and he was perfect before.

-He wasn't perfect. -No, he was perfectly imperfect.

And then I, I-I made him dull, I made him like me.

Oh, Taylor, look. I barely know you.

But I can say one thing for certain is, you are not dull.

Well, we're not fun like you two.

Fun gets you sent to Disneyland jail.

Look, when Peter and I are together,

we become the people we were when we were 20.

But the two of you, when you're together,

you make each other better.

Do you think he's making a mistake marrying me?

You're putting me in a really weird position.

If the two of you get married, I lose Peter forever.

But if I stop thinking about myself for like 30 seconds...

I do think you two belong together.

Really?

Yeah, really.

I really love you, I think.

-Thank you. Oh! Hm! -Be my maid of honor?

I think you belong together too, like not romantically.

'Cause, that would be weird. But you know, as friends.

You should stay friends because just because I can't give him

what you give him doesn't mean that part of him should die.

Yeah, well, uh, I dumped him and he friend-dumped me. So...

I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna throw up and I'm gonna fix it.

What would you say if I wanted to make out with you?

Huh, who?

Okay, all right, hold on.

-Wake up. -What is it?

You left a random woman in my room.

Yeah, she was too... Uh, I'll take care of it.

Don't bother. She's gone.

-I don't know, it's kind of... -He's got this.

Ah, you want to protect your face, bro?

Okay, I'll, I'll be back.

I can leave if you want me to.

-Hi. -Hi.

Taylor told me about last night. Thank you for talking her down.

-It was nothing. -Also... I'm sorry. I panicked.

I thought I had to lose you to save my relationship.

-And I was a dick. -You were.

Do you wanna punch me in the other eye?

I feel really bad about that so, I want to change

the subject really quickly?

Sorry, I missed your bachelor party.

Oh, it's okay, you were uninvited by some jerk.

-Me, I was a jerk. You got that? -No, yeah, I got that. Yeah.

You missed quite a night, I mean I can't remember most of it,

but apparently I did a karaoke duet version

of My Heart Will Go On with a stripper named Cobra.

-A female stripper named Cobra? -I'm not sure.

-Yeah, undetermined. So... -How you feeling?

Honestly, I wasn't nervous until I saw the church and everything.

-I'm nervous, whoo! -You'll do great.

-You think so? -Yeah. I know so.

I want you to pay attention, because what I'm about to

tell you just might be the greatest thing that anyone

has told another human being in the history of this planet.

-Wow! -Are you ready?

Yes. No. Yes.

"I came here tonight,

I didn't know what to expect."

"I seen a lot of you people hatin' me

"and I didn't know what to feel about that,

so I guess they didn't like you much not either."

"During this fight, I've seen a lot of changing,

the way yous feel about me, and in the way I felt about you."

"In here, we were two guys killing each other...

but I guess that's better than 20 million."

Love that line.

"What I'm trying to say is, if I can change,

and you can change, then everybody can change!"

-Rocky 4. -Rocky 4.

-You still got it. -Yeah.

Okay.

-You coming? Okay. -Yeah, in a second.

-Good luck. -Thank you.

♪ You told me 'boy look the other way' ♪

♪ You told me 'boy bite your tongue' ♪

♪ Yes that's not the way ♪

♪ Yeah that's not the way ♪

♪ Ah that's just not the way ♪

♪ That friends behave ♪

♪ Ah that's just not the way ♪

♪ That friends behave ♪

♪ Oh no no no ♪

♪ No no no no ♪

♪ You lined me up ♪

♪ Across the room ♪

♪ Two falling sparks ♪

♪ One willing fool ♪

♪ And I I always knew ♪

♪ That I would love you from afar ♪

♪ You told me 'boy look the other way' ♪

♪ You told me 'boy hide those hands' ♪

♪ Well I've been living on the crumbs of your love ♪

♪ And I'm starving now ♪

♪ And that is just the way ♪

♪ That we remain ♪

♪ Ah that will be the way ♪

♪ That we remain ♪

♪ Oh no no no ♪

♪ No no no no ♪

♪ You lined me up ♪

♪ Across the room ♪

♪ Two falling sparks ♪

♪ One willing fool ♪

♪ And I I always knew ♪

♪ That I would love you from afar ♪

♪ You lined me up ♪

♪ Across the room ♪

♪ Two falling sparks ♪

♪ One willing fool ♪

♪ And I I always knew ♪

♪ That I would love you from afar ♪

♪ It shouldn't come as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling what I'm feeling now ♪

♪ It shouldn't come as a surprise ♪

♪ She got darling hazel eyes ♪

♪ It shouldn't come as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling what I'm feeling now ♪

♪ It shouldn't come as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling what I'm feeling now ♪

♪ It shouldn't come as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling what I'm... ♪♪