Original subtitles

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

? ?

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, no, did I miss the old people prom?

We were taking engagement and publicity photos.

Rosie "La Reina's" Insurance is merging

with No Way Josu�'s Legal Services

to create a one-stop shop for pain and suffering.

Once we're married,

we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Accidentes.

Just so you know, I used to call myself Mr. Accidentes.

When we were pregnant with Mayan.

So maybe you should rename yourself Mr. Esloppy Seconds.

- Ha! - Hey!

- Hey! - Ew.

Why are you being so rude to Josu�?

Merging businesses?

Getting married after a few months?

Wait, did you get Josu� pregnant?

Dad, that is their business.

Josu� is part of my life now,

so I'd really like it if you tried bonding with him.

Fine. I'll give it a shot.

Well, listen, let's call a truce, all right?

We never fight.

Like Churro and the neighbor's cat.

If we get mad at each other occasionally,

we'll pee on each other's stuff.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

? ?

There's just one little thing I want us all to do

before my engagement party here.

- Sure. - Name it.

Anything you want, Nana.

I'd like for all of us to go to church and confess our sins.

- No. - What?

Can't we just make a donation?

The house must be freed of sin before the party!

Jesus will be here.

Jesus Hernandez, the church's social media manager.

Question.

If Nana's getting married for the second time,

why haven't you two been married once?

I did what happened to my goldfish last week,

so you're up.

[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]

Gordo, do you remember when Grandpa sat on you

and it was cute for a minute,

but then you started suffocating?

That is what marriage is like.

Marriage farts on your face?

Yes.

Marriage is right for some people.

- But for us, it's just a piece of paper. - Yeah.

We're still going to be together forever.

[SIGHS] You guys should think about it.

Getting farted on is really funny!

? ?

When you said golf. I thought you meant mini golf!

Where's the Sphinx? The Taj Mahal?

The giant shoe?

I promise you're going to love this.

Let's start with your stance. All right.

- Uh. - Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT] Now spread your legs.

- Hey. - All right.

Now hit it.

Do you want me to hit it, or are you trying to hit it?

OK, swing.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Uh, oh.

I broke the tail light of that golf cart.

Never admit to guilt.

Who's to say that was your club, huh?

As I say on my billboards, no evidence, no crime.

That also works in the moving business.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's no evidence

that that table ever had four legs."

[LAUGHTER]

What are you doing here, mentiroso?

I'm sorry.

I've been in AA, so I don't remember a lot of things.

Ew. Not you.

Him.

Uh, Valencia Santo Domingo, good to see you.

After what you did to me last week?

Oy, eres un maldito guapo cochino sinverguenza.

Eres un desgraciado!

[SPITS]

What is Valencia Santa Domingo talking about?

What happened last week?

- Oh, just another attorney. - Hmm.

I want a big judgment against her client,

and some people are just sore losers.

It's hard for them to accept a lawyer

who's beautiful and smart.

I'm like "Legally Blonde."

You sound legally full of caca.

Oh.

I've had a lot of women yell at me like that,

and it usually happens right before their pitbull Ernie

chases you across all the lanes of the freeway.

You two have history.

- Oh, no. - Mm.

We've never dated.

No evidence, no crime.

Come on. Let's get a drink.

? ?

Oof. Hey.

How did your golf date with Josu� go?

We had a lot in common. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, that's great.

No, Mayan. That's not great. Have you met me?

In one afternoon,

Josu� showed me he's capable of lying, cheating,

and holding a man too close.

Your feelings for Mom

are making you see things that aren't there.

Last week, you tried to make her jealous, and now this.

My gut is telling me

that Josu� is rushing your mom into marriage

because he's hiding something.

Your gut?

Your gut is the reason

I could hold my breath for three minutes.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, Mom is an amazing woman.

Of course, Josu� would want to lock it down.

Trust me, Mayan.

No man ever wants to lock it down.

Any man that wants to get married is sus.

Leave it alone before you screw everything up.

You also have no proof that any of this is true.

All right. What if I had proof?

You don't.

This is all in your head,

which explains why there's so much of it.

? ?

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

God, I'm here!

Oh, hello, Father Ramirez.

Thank you for making time for my family of heathens.

Who's first to face God's judgment?

Just kidding. [LAUGHTER]

But seriously, if you die without confessing your sins,

you'll burn for eternity in the bowels of the beast.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Hey.

- Ah, ah. - Hey.

I am not doing this.

What? Why?

Just like you said about marriage.

Confession might be right for some people,

but not for me.

[SIGHS]

Your nana wants you to confess,

so you're doing it.

But Nana also wants you to be married.

- Start doing it! - Just go!

Why are we in church?

When you said "confessions,"

I thought we were gonna go see Usher.

I've been planning to get Josu� to tell me

his dirty secrets, and you're gonna help me

expose that pretty little liar.

I would love to help you,

but I'm more of a "Riverdale" guy, so...

? ?

I can't believe Chance keeps asking us

why we're not married.

I'd be willing to go second child

to just nip this in the bud.

[SIGHS]

We could just get married.

[LAUGH] Yeah, OK.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah. Married people are just dumb.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

How was it? Did you confess?

Yes, but I held one thing in.

Oh, what's that, Gordo?

Pee! I really got to go!

Oh, honey. OK.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

[KNOCKS]

[IMITATING WOMAN] Father Ramirez,

the Vatican is on the line.

This is probably a prank,

but Lord knows the one time I don't go, it won't be.

I will return in one moment, my son.

And I'm back.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I already did that.

Great. Then we're done here.

Send in the next guy.

The handsome one who seems like he's hiding secrets,

possibly takes Ozempic.

There is something that's been weighing on me.

[GROANS]

Mayan doesn't believe in marriage,

and I want to support her.

But I also really want to marry her.

I've wanted to for years.

I know that means that I will be legally bonded

to her crazy parents.

But I've grown to love them too.

You have my blessing to propose.

Every Mexican family needs a gringo

to help them fill out government forms.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Anybody there?

- Yeah. - I've heard enough!

Say three "Hail to the Chiefs" and beat it.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

- Just one second. - [PHONE BEEPS]

Go on, you son of... I mean my son.

Um, well, I have lied and betrayed the trust

of someone important in my life.

I knew it!

I mean God knew it.

Continue loudly and in great detail.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Did this betrayal that you speak of

involve a woman that you know in the biblical sense?

It does.

My fianc�e Rosie, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.

Yes! Yes!

But the truth is...

I hate "The Great British Bake-Off."

What?

Oh, their accents are so annoying!

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Oh, heavens,

this crumpet has a soggy bottom.

Ugh!"

[NORMALLY] Thank you, Father.

I feel so much better now. Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait!

[SIGHS]

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Keep it short, and keep it clean.

My son keeps asking me why I'm not married,

and I'm struggling to answer him honestly.

I don't want to tell him that it's all my dad's fault.

What do you mean?

He lied. He cheated.

He abandoned his family.

The Lord wants me to ask you,

why do you got to bring up old stuff?

Isn't it possible that your dad has changed for the better?

Not really.

He's sober now,

but he's still a screw-up who screws up everybody's lives.

You really feel that way?

Yes.

My mom has finally moved on,

and he's trying to ruin her relationship

because suddenly, he wants her back.

He's selfish.

Marriage messes people up, and it's messed me up,

and I don't want anything to do with it,

and neither does my partner.

[IMITATES BUZZER] Wrong!

Quentin just told me he's always wanted to be married to you,

but you're why he won't propose, not me!

Dad?

I think you mean Father!

What is going on?

And why were you in there?

I thought there was a stairway to heaven.

He's been listening to everyone's confessions.

This is sacrilege. How could you, George?

I had a good reason. [CHUCKLES]

Mayan made me do it.

What?

You said I needed proof that Josu� was sleazy.

I was getting proof.

And what did you find?

I didn't find anything,

except that my daughter thinks that I'm a screw-up.

But that doesn't mean I'm wrong about Josu�.

I know cheaters.

Ask him about Valencia Santo Domingo.

Yeah, I'll call Carmen Sandiego, too,

and find out where in the world your brain has gone!

You're a miserable person,

so you want everyone around you to be miserable too.

George, I don't want you at my party,

and I don't want you in my life.

[SOMBER SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

[GEORGE SIGHS SOFTLY]

George.

Is that beer? Are you drinking?

It's near beer.

They were near my mouth.

You relapsed.

- I'm sorry, man. - Well, that's... well.

Mayan was right about me.

I'm a screw-up.

And I screw up the lives of everybody who around me.

Why bother being sober?

So you screwed up.

Your heart was in the right place,

looking out for Rosie.

Oh, but I hurt her, too. [SIGHS]

I can't have my family see me like this.

I can't.

OK, you're gonna stay here, right?

I'm going to get you some food, and then...

I guess I'll find another vehicle to sleep in.

Time for a toast to the mergers of our lives,

our businesses, and our smoking hot bodies.

[CHUCKLES]

Before we sign the contract,

I have one more confession to make.

Oh.

George said something.

It got me thinking, and so I did a little digging.

Oh, and where did you bury him?

[LAUGHS]

See?

You are so charming and funny

that I forgot to keep my guard up.

There's no reason to keep your guard up with me, mi amor.

I have nothing to hide.

I didn't find anything on the internet,

but if there's one thing George knows,

it's red flags.

So I spoke to Valencia Santo Domingo.

I'm sorry, Rosie. I don't know who that is.

It's a woman you slept with last week.

She wants me to give you a message.

"Canalla baboso ratero payaso!"

[SPITS]

You slept with her.

You stole from her.

And she didn't know that you are engaged.

Well, correction.

Were.

OK, Rosie, let's talk about this.

You don't have to listen to her.

She's crazy.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

Is Margarita Candelas also crazy?

And Yesenia Donta�a?

- And Cheryl? - [GASPS]

OK, did any of these women show you proof?

Because...

no evidence, no crime.

If you don't leave my house right now,

I'm gonna show you a crime!

And I'm gonna make sure that there is no evidence!

What...

[SIGHS]

[SOMBER SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

I was looking for you.

What are you doing in here?

I don't know,

but I woke up with this burger, so I'm eating it.

Oh, my G...

are you drunk right now?

No, I'm not.

And I don't appreciate the two of you ganging up on me!

Oh, George, you've come so far.

I can't believe that you... [HICCUPS]

You only hiccup when you're wasted.

Are you drunk right now?

No.

But the other me might be.

Remember when we used to get drunk together?

[CHUCKLES]

And I would make you laugh so you would hiccup?

[HICCUPS]

- You still do it. - Oh! [LAUGHS]

You were right.

Josu�'s a sleazeball.

[SIGHS]

You were never good at reading books

or traffic signs

or warning labels on pills.

But you have always been good

at reading other people.

[SIGHS]

I'm so sorry, Rosie.

I feel so stupid.

Why didn't I see the truth sooner?

No, he charmed us all, even me.

He slapped my ass, and I didn't hate it.

I appreciate you looking out for me.

I'm always gonna look out for you.

And I'm sorry about the way that

I've been behaving these last few weeks.

It's because I still have feelings for you.

You really have feelings for me?

Mm-hmm.

I just can't believe my dad was listening

to all of our confessions.

I said things to him that I would only say to a priest.

I feel really bad. He did not deserve that.

Yeah, we should just, like,

totally forget that the day, like, ever happened, so...

Quinten, Dad said that you've always wanted us to be married.

Is that true?

I might have bought a ring

the day after you told me we were pregnant.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

Because I know marriage scares you.

Well, yeah, it does. But you know why.

You live with why!

And this is why I didn't want to put you in a position

where you felt forced to agree to something you didn't want.

So I kept the ring,

and I hoped that one day you might change your mind.

But what if I never change my mind?

I'll still be here.

And so will the ring.

Diamonds are forever. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

And so is the zirconia

I bought at Sears with my allowance.

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

[BOTH SCREAM]

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