Original subtitles

["I IDOLIZE YOU" PLAYING]

Ah. Are you from Buffalo Wild Wings?

Buffalo Wild Wings? What? I'm sorry. Am I at the wrong house?

I'm just having a laugh. I know who you are.

Isaac, your lady friend's here.

Ah.

Hey...

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Good to see ya. - I thought we were going on a date.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Look, my friends were coming to visit me,

but they ended up coming a few days early.

- This is my old band Mood Vibrations. - Oh. Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- Hey, my love. - Hey.

I knew you were a saxophone player,

but I didn't know you were in a full jazz band.

That's something you should disclose before having sex with someone.

Zeke, she's never seen you play before?

That is mental.

No, I haven't seen Zeke play before.

Well, let's see what you got.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

I-I-I... I haven't played the sax in ages.

I'm probably completely out of practice.

[PLAYING JAZZ]

So, here it is. This is the Wells Foundation.

- Welcome. - Oh.

- This is really nice. - Yeah.

- You know, working can be really fun. - Yeah?

Plus, you get to wear cute little outfits...

- Totally. - ... and carry a binder to the kitchen

while you're looking for a snack.

Watch me.

- Business, business, business, business. - [CHUCKLES] Meeting, memo, phone.

Meeting, memo, phone. Meeting, meeting, memo.

Hey, girl. Walking backwards, backwards, business, backwards, business.

- Chop, chop, backwards, business... - Call me, call me. Yes, assistant.

- ... backwards, business. - Oh.

Whoa! Oh, gosh. Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- There he is. King Arthur. - [CHUCKLING] Oh.

Oh. Never heard that nickname before.

Oh. Well, do you like it, milord?

- Um, sure. - Um, Grace, this is Arthur.

Arthur, this is Grace.

- Oh, Grace. Welcome to the team. - Hi, nice to meet you.

Arthur has a girlfriend.

She's 32 and from Perth.

[GRACE] Really?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's... that's correct. Yeah.

Yeah. That's right.

All right. Well, so nice to meet you.

- [GRACE] Mmm. - And you, my liege.

I bid you a good day.

- Uh, Molly... - Yeah.

Anything you wanna tell me about you and Mr. Khaki Pants over there?

Oh, it's a really long story

that I will tell you over our first break of the day.

Oh, God. When is it?

In three, two, one.

- [MUSICAL ALARM PLAYING] - Oh.

Okay, people. We're gonna pop out for some Bloody Marys.

We'll be back at lunch at noon.

- God, super productive morning. - Yeah.

- Really nice. - Right? Good job.

- I'm exhausted. - Same.

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

- [AIR HORN BLARES] - [ALL GASP, SCREAM]

Howard, what the hell?

Oh, there is no Howard.

Please address me as the Commissioner.

And I am proud to announce tonight's premiere

of the Legends of SoCal Wrestling League.

- Whoo! - Yes. Yes. Oh, I can't wait.

Flesh against flesh. There's just something about it.

Uh, well, tonight the main event is the legendary Truck Harrison

versus the evil Straight Arrow played by Nicholas.

My persona is that I'm straight.

I love empty Gatorade bottles, and I hate kissing other men.

That is very funny. That was very straight.

By the way, some of you still owe me admissions fee.

That is $3.75. And I'm looking right at you, Rhonda.

I can get you the 75 now, and, um, I'll need a few days for the rest.

Fine.

Also, I have another announcement.

Sofia, Grace, and I have been recruiting other billionaires

to help us expand Space for Everyone nationally.

And what we learned is that the greatest motivator wasn't generosity,

wasn't love. It was hate.

Yes, specifically everyone hates John.

And because of that, we're actually getting closer to our goal.

We can really put a dent in homelessness in America.

I'm so proud of us.

This is the big leagues. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, look, I found a dollar.

It's from Romania.

- I'll take it. - Okay.

Oh, also, let me get that baby shoe you got for some reason.

I actually owe this to someone else.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRACE] Three, two, one.

[GASPS] Oh, shit.

- I know. So satisfying, right? - [CHUCKLES]

You need to see this.

Okay, I've just been told by flight control

the weather vectors are favorable.

So, this afternoon, our rocket,

code name Molly One, is headed to space.

Damn, he's actually gonna do it.

Molly. Now, I always said that I love you to the moon and back.

- Today, I'm gonna prove it. - [REPORTER 1] Sir, sir.

- How long have you... - Ew! And also, he never said that.

[REPORTER 2] Can you comment on the reports

on the two of you getting back together?

Okay, guys, listen.

I never kiss and tell, okay?

But let's just say I have a real good reason to make it home.

What the fuck?

- What does he mean? You didn't... - No, there is absolutely nothing going on.

He does this thing he calls manifesting,

where he thinks if he says things out loud, then they will happen.

But it doesn't work. Watch.

Stanley Tucci nude movie.

- See? Nothing. - Well, we do have a big problem.

Our whole coalition of donors is based on people hating John.

If they think you're back together, they might drop out.

Maybe they didn't see it!

[AINSLEY] Uh, Molly.

Some of the other billionaires have been calling,

and they're using a lot of colorful language.

[CHUCKLES] But on the bright side,

congratulations on getting back together with John.

I love a happy ending. [SQUEALS, CHUCKLES]

Is the blonde girl real?

Fuck if I know.

[GROANING]

- Wow, this actually looks pretty good. - Right?

Tonight's gonna be just as exciting as SummerSlam '05.

Commissioner, um, so sorry to bother you, but we, uh...

- We have a few issues. - Okay. Well, what is it, Mason?

The Commish was on his way to get a pretzel. This better be important.

Well, there was a scheduling mistake,

and the hall's actually booked at 07:00

by a veterans improv group called...

[STAMMERS] ... Armed and Derangederous.

Oh, no, no, no. That's when we're starting.

[MASON] Yeah. And the hot dog truck canceled.

And-And something went wrong with the dry cleaners,

and now we don't have any of the costumes.

We got no wieners and no Speedos?

What do we do, sir?

- [INHALES DEEPLY] Oh. Oh. - Commissioner?

[STAMMERS] I'm thinking, Mason.

- Goddamn it. Give me a sec! - Okay.

Tell Armed and Derangederous they're the new halftime show, okay?

And then call a man named David Chang and ask for 300 hot dogs.

He's gonna say his dog is sick, but he's lying.

Then go down to a store called Savage Bottom in West Hollywood

and ask for their entire stock of Speedos.

Ask for Chi-Chi. Do not ask for Steve.

Um, yeah. Okay.

Thanks, man. But I was about to say the same thing. [CHUCKLES]

- Is everything okay with you? - [STAMMERS] Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I'm good. Yeah.

Okay. I-I gotta go reshave my entire body.

Oh, for sure. For sure. For sure.

For sure. For sure. For sure.

- How's it all going? - I'm working the phones.

Grace is out meeting some donors, but we're losing people. I'm worried.

Well, maybe my statement on John will help.

- Is dickburger hyphenated? - [CHUCKLES]

[PAPARAZZO] Molly, Molly. How did your husband win you back?

- How's the makeup sex? - Hey, get out of here.

This is private property, you chowderhead.

Hey! Get your hands off me.

God!

I'm so sorry I had to use the C word in front of you guys.

No, it is okay. I am pissed off!

Me too. He cost me my brioche au chocolat.

[SIGHS] Well, that's the third time someone's made it up here.

God. And they're all at my house right now.

- Marisol texted. - [SIGHS]

John always finds a way to hurt me, doesn't he?

Maybe you shouldn't be here.

You shouldn't have to face all of this chaos today.

No. If I try to leave the building, they're just gonna be right there.

[ARTHUR SIGHS]

Oh, I got it.

Well, as you guys know, I'm the floor safety captain.

- No idea what you're talking about. - Well, I definitely did not know that.

Oh, okay. Well, um, they gave me a key to the freight elevator,

so we could sneak out that way.

Oh. That's not a bad idea.

- Yeah. - Yeah? Okay.

Okay. Seems like the coast is clear.

Okay, let's go.

There she is!

- Oh, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. - Go, go, go, go.

Come on. Come on.

- Ow! Ooh, ooh, ooh. My ankle. - Oh, no.

Fucking Jimmy Choo.

Yeah, get out of here, Jimmy Choo. Here, come on.

- Oh, thank you. - Okay. Okay.

- Ow! [GROANS] Now my knee just popped. - What's wrong?

- Are... Can you make it? - Yeah, we can do it.

- We've got two good legs between us. - Okay. [GROANS]

Go, go, go, go. Come on.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[WRESTLERS GRUNTING, GROANING]

There's my Straight Arrow. Wanna go over your catchphrases?

Yeah, sure.

Who are the Falcons playing this weekend?

- Mm-hmm. - Damn, Bethany. That's a nice set.

I don't need therapy.

Oh, you are really in the pocket. Mucho hetero.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, there he is.

Back up, it's the Truck.

[BOTH IMITATING TRUCK HORN]

- What's up, brother? [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLING]

- Can I borrow you for a second? - Of course. Anything for you. Anything.

So, tell me, is the Truck all gassed up and ready to go?

Actually, the Truck's in park mode.

I had a meeting with my ex-wife/business manager

and she thinks I should be getting paid double what you're paying me.

Wait, d-double? I mean, I can't afford that, Truck.

I'm-I'm barely breaking even here.

Well, that's not my problem, is it?

Sorry, brother. Truck's backing out.

Are you serious?

[BREATHES SHAKILY] I can't believe this.

[SOFIA] No, I can promise you that she's not getting back with John.

I know you hate him. Molly hates him too.

[SCOFFS] Hello?

H-Hello? [GROANS]

- Hey. Is everything all right? - Hey.

Yeah, I'm just trying to hold together

a coalition of very difficult people.

All right, I'm gonna leave you to it.

[STAMMERING] There was something I want to talk to you about,

- but I can... - No, no, no. No.

Go ahead. I... I could use the distraction.

All right. So, uh... [EXHALES DEEPLY]

[CHUCKLES] Uh, after you left, uh, last night,

Mood Vibrations and I, we were, like, jamming.

We kept playing for, like, four hours.

Yeah.

Yeah, we almost finished playing two songs.

Oh, well, that sounds exhausting. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, incredible.

You know, Sofia, I think I wanna start playing music again.

Oh, you should. You are very talented.

- Yeah? Yeah. It just... - Mm-hmm.

I've been thinking about taking a sabbatical from work anyway.

Hold on. You're quitting your job?

[STAMMERS] Yeah. Um, well, I mean, not quitting...

I'm not quitting, per se.

I'm just, you know... I've just been so stressed recently,

and I just thought, you know, I'd take a bit of a break.

Wait, Isaac. [SIGHS]

W-W-Where is this all coming from?

W-When we first met, what was the first thing you thought?

You're very passionate.

That's exactly right. I'm a... I'm a passionate guy.

And right now, the thing I'm most passionate about...

- Mm-hmm. - ... apart from you,

- um, is music. - [PHONE BUZZING]

And-And I feel like there's something about my-my life's calling...

- I'm sorry. I have to answer this. - ... like, is... is...

Can we talk about this later?

Yeah, this is Jessica.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - [WHISPERS] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Jessica.

No, no, no, no, no. We can work this out.

It'll only be a couple of minutes.

I just need you to get us back on the phone.

I know he's very upset with us, but if you can just let me explain.

Can I just say I've never been

in a Nissan Sentra moving that fast before?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Well, I've never pushed her that hard.

- I was nervous. - [CHUCKLES] That was crazy.

Well, they're not gonna look for you here, so...

- Yeah. - Um, let me get you some ice.

- I'll be right back. - Oh, thank you.

["CHRISTMAS (BABY PLEASE COME HOME)" PLAYING]

You must not use this a lot. There's a Christmas album on there.

Yeah, this is embarrassing, but I actually use it all the time.

- Really? - [CHUCKLES] Yes.

Whenever I'm in a bad mood, I play Christmas music.

I don't know, it just makes me feel better.

- Is that stupid? - No, it's not stupid.

It's cute.

Uh, all right. This might be a little cold. I'm sorry.

No, not at all.

And let me know if it's too tight or anything.

It's fine.

Good?

- Good. - Yeah?

Yes. Thank you.

You wanna try to put some weight on it?

- Sure. If you think I should. - Yeah? Yeah.

All right.

Is it okay?

- Yeah, it's good. - Mm-hmm.

[PHONE CHIMING]

I'm so... I'm sorry.

It's my optometrist's office. My-My lenses are ready.

Oh, good.

Thank you, Jackie from Dr. Kim's office. That will be all.

And so now we're both on our phones. That's fun.

Uh, Sofia, um, texted.

Uh, she said the paparazzi are gone,

and we can come back to the office now.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- That was fast. - Yeah, let's hit it.

I mean, not... Yeah, we don't...

- Not hit it, but we can just go. - Y-Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah. - That's what I meant. Yeah.

- Uh, okay. Let me, uh... - Okay.

- Yeah, I'll get my, uh, keys and my coat. - Yeah.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

- [SONG FADES] - [AUDIENCE CHATTERING IN DISTANCE]

Hey, what are you doing back here? Everyone's looking for you.

- Truck's out. - What?

Who-Who's gonna throw me into a cotton candy machine

or try and staple my hands together?

Nobody.

Nobody's stapling nobody 'cause the show's canceled.

We can't cancel. Everyone's already out there.

You just have to figure something else out.

- You're the Commissioner. - Would you stop calling me that?

Look, I'm not the Commissioner. I-If anything, I'm the Fraud.

You know, this suit isn't even mine. It's my grandfather's. RIP.

A-And this tie's a clip-on.

Actually, I guess it's a real tie. I forgot.

You need to stop doubting yourself, okay?

You got me to come out to Torrance on a Friday night

to announce that I'm attracted to women.

Do you understand how difficult that is?

You can do this.

No, I can't.

You need to understand I'm not supposed to be the guy in charge.

I'm the supportive friend who cheers from the sideline,

like, "Yeah, you catch that ball, Chris Evans's character."

That's who I am.

You've put way too much work into this.

If you walk now, you will regret this for the rest of your life.

What's going on? What are you guys watching?

It's your boo's love rocket.

How romantic.

Ainsley, we are not together.

Wait, are you saying he's available?

- Oh, look, there it goes. It's taking off. - Oh.

[NEWS ANCHOR] ... continuing coverage of John Novak's quest...

This is unbelievable.

I just... I think it's crazy

how much attention we pay to people like John.

I-I mean, forget what he did to me,

think about all the harm he does to the world.

But why should I be surprised?

It's just another example of a privileged man

getting to do whatever he wants without facing a single consequence.

[ALL GASP]

And I can only hope that someday karma will catch up to him.

Molly.

What?

[NEWS ANCHOR] This appears to be a major disaster.

Several astronauts on board, including billionaire John Novak.

You all right?

Oh, not exactly. Everything's kind of crumbling around me.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

Listen, I've done something

that I think might be good for the both of us.

- Okay. - Next weekend,

I've booked two tickets to New Orleans.

- Just like a fun getaway. - What?

Yeah. Well, I'm sitting in with Mood Vibrations.

They're playing this, like, jazz, scatting, food festival

called Mumbo Gumbo.

- Oh, God. - [STAMMERS] Forget the name.

- It's gonna be fun. - No, we're not gonna have fun.

My life is so crazy right now, and you're making it worse.

Don't see how me doing something that I love

and inviting you to it makes your life worse.

Isaac, I can't just fly across country on a whim.

My job is too important.

Yeah, this is important to me.

Okay. What I do matters more than some midlife crisis.

- Hey, mates, I'm just making some tacos. - What...

Has anyone spotted the guacamol?

Yeah, the guacamol isn't in here 'cause this is the living room.

Right, yeah. Sorry, I was being daft.

Carry on, lovebirds.

Me trying to find and pursue the things I love

is not a midlife crisis, all right?

I don't know why you're denigrating me like that.

[SIGHS]

Sorry. Listen, Isaac.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I think we're just two very different people.

We are. Yeah, that's... that's what's so fun.

No, you're like this feather

just floating around, following your dreams,

and I'm more like a rock.

[CHUCKLES] You're not a rock.

No, I-I love being a rock.

I'm stable, dependable.

But I... I'll never be able to just float away.

Listen...

if we keep going down this road,

I think we're gonna end up hurting each other.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

[PHONE BUZZING]

- Hello? - [JOHN] Hey, babe.

John?

[JOHN] I can explain everything if you just come and talk to me.

Molly, please.

I just wanna talk.

Hey, there she is.

Hey.

- You look great. - John, what the hell's going on?

Don't worry, I'm completely fine.

I don't understand.

- What just happened? - Okay.

During final inspection, I discovered a sensor failure.

So, I evacuated the crew, sent the rocket up anyway,

and then we had a rapid unscheduled disassembly.

But don't worry there were only a few monkeys on board.

Everyone thinks you're dead.

Having a press conference in 45 minutes.

If anything, it'll add to my legend.

But first, I-I-I-I really just...

I wanted to talk to you, okay? So, please sit.

Molly, when that rocket exploded,

I saw my life just flash before my eyes.

Why? You weren't on it.

You wanna know what I saw?

Not my companies, the mansions, the private jets.

It was you.

I don't know what to say to that.

Well, can I ask you something?

How did you feel when you saw what happened?

[SCOFFS]

What do you mean? I was upset. I thought you were dead.

See, that tells me that there's still love there.

I don't know about that. I... [SIGHS]

I don't want anyone to blow up.

I know what's in your heart.

I don't think you do.

Come on, Mols! I mean, what else do you want me to do, huh?

Wait a minute. [STAMMERS]

Did you blow up that rocket on purpose...

to make me miss you?

- Would that be a bad thing? - Yeah.

[SCOFFS] Y-Yes. [STAMMERS]

Oh, what... So, what did that cost you?

Two billion dollars?

- Try four. But you're worth it, Molly. - Oh, my God, John.

Listen, I would blow up ten rockets for you.

I'd blow up a stadium.

- Empty, of course. - Please don't blow anything else up.

If you truly love me, you will listen to me right now.

Okay.

We're done.

And nothing that you can do will make me change my mind.

[SIGHS] Why not?

[SIGHS]

Because I'm in love with someone else.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Who? Wh-Who... Who is it?

It's not anyone you know.

He's not famous.

- He's not rich. - What?

I don't understand. So, w-what, he's just some guy?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Wh...

I'm glad that you're alive.

[CHUCKLES]

This doesn't make any sense, Molly.

Think about what you're doing, okay?

Remember, I went to Harvard. I have a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

I flew in a fighter jet with Tom fucking Cruise.

Oh. Well, that's great.

You're both dickheads.

He's not a dickhead! He gave me this jacket.

We're the exact same size.

[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]

- Hi. - Hey. You made it.

I made it. [SIGHS]

Is everything okay?

Mmm. I'm not sure.

You okay?

I'll talk to you about it later.

[CHEERING]

Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

There's really no easy way for me to say this,

but due to unforeseen circumstances,

Truck Harrison will not be appearing tonight.

- [AUDIENCE MURMURING] - What?

The event's been canceled.

You can get your refunds at the door.

- [CLAMORING] - Boo!

Wait, seriously? You're just gonna cancel?

You're just giving up?

Nicholas, what are you doing?

[SCOFFS] Why did I even bother becoming friends with you?

You've always been a quitter.

And you will never amount to anything.

Oh, come on, man. That's not cool.

We drove all the way down here to this shithole

that smells like a burnt wig that somebody pissed on,

- and you're just gonna cancel? - [PERSON] Yeah!

- You're a fucking joke. - Oh, no, no, no. I'm not a joke.

Just admit it. You're nothing but a fucking loser, Howard.

You can't talk to me like that.

And you will refer to me by my real name:

Commissioner Mayhem!

[CHEERING]

Then call me by mine: The Straight Arrow.

[BOOING]

Oh, I see. It's all part of the show.

Where's all the hot tail tonight?

It must be "Two-sday,"

'cause all I see are a bunch of fucking twos.

[BOOING, CLAMORING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[CHEERING]

This is amazing. Bravo!

I wanna see some blood!

[GRUNTS] I got him now. [LAUGHS]

- [NICHOLAS GRUNTS] - You're going down.

[BOTH GRUNTING, GROANING]

[RHONDA] Oh!

- [HOWARD GROANING] - [NICHOLAS LAUGHS]

- [AINSLEY] Yes, yes, yes! - [HOWARD LAUGHING]

Proud of you, buddy. Now choke me out or throw me.

[KISSES]

- [HOWARD GRUNTS] - [NICHOLAS YELPS]

- [CHEERING, CLAMORING] - [HOWARD GRUNTS]

[CLAMORING INTENSIFIES]

[LAUGHS]

Thank you.

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

[HOWARD] Mayhem!

Oh, my God. Did you know all of this was gonna happen?

Well, I am on the board of Legends of SoCal Wrestling,

so I may have helped Commissioner Mayhem

squeeze into his unitard backstage.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Popcorn?

I'd love some.

[HOWARD] Mayhem!

- [HOWARD GROANS] - [NICHOLAS YELPS]

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

- [REFEREE] One, two, three! - Two, three. Yeah!

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - [HOWARD] Yeah! [CHEERS]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0