Original subtitles

["TAKE IT TO DA HOUSE" PLAYING]

Good morning! Heigh-ho.

How's everybody doing? Hey, hey, hey.

Ah, Hannah, love the sweater.

- [HANNAH] Thanks. - Tony! My man.

See the game last night? Whoo!

They left it all on the field, huh?

Hiya, Steve. Hey, is it raining out?

- [GASPS] Oh, shit! No! Oh. I'm so sorry. - [SCREAMS]

- I'm so sorry. I didn't see anything. - It's okay.

I'm not... I'm not naked. I'm... [STAMMERS] I'm wearing boxers.

- Sorry. Sorry. - Don't apologize.

It's... It's no different than me being in a bathing suit,

if you think about it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know what? You're right. It's not weird.

- [CHUCKLES] Um... - [SUCKS TEETH]

- So... - So...

How are you?

Good. Really good. Yeah.

I went on an early morning hike.

Uh... h...

how was the humidity?

It was mostly dry. [INHALES SHARPLY] You know what?

I think I was wrong. I think this... I think this is a little weird.

Maybe I'm the one that should take a hike.

- [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES] B... back to my office.

- Yes. - So...

Bye.

See you... [STAMMERS] See ya!

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

So, something strange happened today.

I went to my pooping bathroom, and someone else was in there.

I am so sorry.

I'm gonna buy the building next door and shut it down

and make it your pooping building.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

It was Arthur.

He was changing his clothes.

He was unexpectedly fit.

Jacked even.

I was a little surprised.

Okay?

Wait a minute.

Siri, lights down by 20%.

Molly Wells, are you into Arthur?

Yeah. I am.

- You slut! But in a good way. - [GIGGLES]

- Tell me everything. - Okay.

Well, I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

I had a dream where we were on a sleigh ride together

under a blanket looking up at Santa.

This is huge news.

I know. Am I being crazy?

No, of course not.

And... [INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

Well, there is probably something I should tell you too.

What?

When we were in Corsica, Arthur said he had feelings for you too.

Are you serious? Why didn't you tell me?

I was sworn to secrecy.

And as a clinical narcissist, I honestly just forgot.

- Wow. - "Wow" is right.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. It's complicated.

I mean, I'm his boss.

And I don't know if he feels that way about me anymore.

- And I don't wanna ruin our friendship... - Oh, God. Honey.

[SHUSHES] Stop being so noble, okay? You're better than that.

We just need to think of a situation where things can happen...

[INHALE SHARPLY] ... organically.

- [GASPS] I've got it. - What?

- A work retreat. Yes. - A work retreat?

HR said in that sexual harassment training

that a lot of inappropriate things happen on work retreats,

and they should be avoided.

It's perfect.

We go to some exotic, romantic locale to work.

And then we're isolated, the booze is flowing

and we let nature take its course.

Well, I don't know. Is it too manipulative?

Yeah, but I mean, that's how all great relationships start.

Do you remember that hot fireman that I dated?

Do you honestly believe that my apartment building

just "accidentally" caught on fire?

Grow up.

We are going to Dubai!

Wait, sorry. What's happening?

Cousin Molly, are you for real?

I am so for real.

We've been working so hard lately and we deserve a reward.

I have a palace in Dubai.

- Twenty-eight rooms, seven pools... - [GASPS]

... and a full staff to cater to our every whim.

A palace?

[GASPS] I'm gonna be just like Princess Jasmine.

[ARTHUR] Geez.

Going out of the country twice in one year.

[CHUCKLES] Who am I? Tom Cruise?

Technically, I'm not allowed out of the country.

Or in the country.

It'll be perfect.

Borderline magical, I promise.

And you're okay with us going?

Well, international travel could give us a new perspective

on the problems we face here at home.

- [CHUCKLES] And I am sorry, Ainsley. - Mmm.

If anyone's gonna be Princess Jasmine, it's me. [CHUCKLES]

- I've got the hair for it. - Oh. Mm-hmm.

Ooh.

- Let's go to Dubai. [CHUCKLES] - [CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Hi, Captain Underpants.

- I'm sorry? - Captain Underpants?

The, um... [CLICKS TONGUE]

... the character from the children's novel Captain Underpants.

Anyways, I hope going to Dubai isn't too complicated with Alex.

Oh, no. She's with her mom this week so it won't be a problem.

Great. Oh, that's great.

I just wanted to make sure you were definitely going,

because I think you're really gonna like it there.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm taking you to two restaurants that are impossible to get into.

They both have Michelin stars.

Well, I love Michelin tires.

- So that sounds pretty good. [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES]

And I booked a helicopter ride over a man-made island...

- [SCOFFS] - ... that's shaped like a Ferrari.

- Hey! [CHUCKLES] - [ARTHUR] What?

- What are you doing here? - Surprise. [CHUCKLES]

- Hi! [KISSES] - Yeah.

Hi.

And who is this?

Oh, um, sorry. Uh, Molly, this is Willa.

Willa, this is my boss, Molly.

Molly Wells, of course. I love you, by the way.

And I just love everything that you're doing.

Willa was actually walking

- in the fashion show that you did. - Ah.

- That's where we met. - Oh.

- Oh, so you're a model? - Just 'cause I'm tall, you know.

It was either that or basketball and... and I have terrible reflexes.

[CHUCKLING]

I have incredible reflexes.

That's cool. Anyways, sorry to interrupt.

I just came by to bring this guy a treat. [CHUCKLES]

You did not.

Yeah, I made those muffins I was telling you about

with the blueberries we picked.

The ones from our hike this morning?

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES] - That is incredible.

She bakes!

[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Willa bakes. She's a bit of a baker, yeah?

Um... [STAMMERS] ... thank you.

Please take one.

Um, I made enough for the whole office, so...

- That is so sweet of you. - Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Mmm. Holy smokes!

[CHUCKLES] These are berry delicious.

- [WILLA SCOFFS, CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING, NORMAL VOICE] You guys!

Well, I should... I should go.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll walk you out. - Okay.

It was... It was lovely to meet you, Molly.

Nice to meet you, Willa.

[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Have a great day, Willa!

I flew in and out of here like a boomerang.

Hey! Bindi Irwin,

why don't we dial back the Australian a little bit, huh?

[NORMAL] Fuck, that's good.

Okay. Here is your dinner.

- Is that Willa's Insta? - Yes.

And it's the most down-to-earth, charming thing I've ever seen.

- Motherfuck. - Can I say something?

- Too tall. It's creepy. - Mmm.

[IMITATING WILLA] "Oh, I can see my friends in the crowd.

Look, there's Angela."

- [NORMAL] It's pathetic. - Look at this.

Baking, camping, and she fosters bunnies, Nicholas.

Bunnies.

Bunnies are all rapists.

Oh, and she's already posted a photo of her and Arthur.

"Finally found a special friend to go on my 5:00 a.m. hikes with."

- Molly, look at me. Look at yourself. - Well, how do I...

You are amazing and gorgeous.

And if you want to make a move on Arthur,

then this Willa doesn't stand a chance.

They've been dating for, like, two weeks. That's nothing.

You know what? You're right. I'm probably still in the game.

- Bitch, you are the game. - Bitch, I am the game.

And when I'm done with him, he's gonna be begging me to stop.

- Sorry, too much? - Yeah, just a little.

["PARTY PEOPLE" PLAYING]

[HOWARD] Ooh, there she is.

- Princess Jasmine. - Oh, well, thank you, Howard.

You look good too.

Uh, you can be Princess Jasmine's friend who turns into a camel.

Hello, everyone!

I have an announcement.

Change of plans.

Instead of going to my palace in Dubai, we are going somewhere better.

- A cabin in the San Bernardino mountains! - [CHEERS]

Wait.

San Bernardino, California? Where my cousin gets his weed?

Dubai is far too extravagant.

My palace has a lazy river that floats you from room to room.

- I mean, who wants that? - I do.

We'll bond much better in a rustic, cozy cabin, next to a pristine lake.

- Pond. - Pond.

And instead of an 18-hour flight

on a luxury jet, it's a mere 30 minutes...

- Three and a half hours. - Three and a half hours away.

So let's go downstairs to the awaiting passenger van

and get this party started.

But the palace.

And the Ferrari island.

- And Molly, I brought this hat. - And it's a great hat.

And it will look wonderful in a cabin in the woods.

Yeah, I actually like the San Bernardino Range.

- It might be scrub jay mating season! - Oh, it is.

They go hard. [CHUCKLES]

["WRIST WATCH" PLAYING]

Let's roll.

Welcome, everyone, to Camp Wells!

Ah! The sun on your face. The smell of air.

And the sound of tree raccoons building a new tomorrow.

And there's also some wood-burning fireplaces,

- if any of you know how to chop wood. - Ooh, I'll do it.

I love working with my hands.

Back at the office, it's all click this, click that,

- space bar, delete, copy, paste. - Okay. We get it, Arthur. Self-edit.

- Just go chop the wood. - Okay.

And I'm going to make us a home-cooked meal.

Enjoy!

Oh, look, I think that's Mount... "Califor-ni-a."

Yeah. Okay, let's go. Come on.

Oh! I'm gonna go take a dip in the pond.

You guys wanna come?

I've been dying to see all your midsections.

Absolutely not.

- [STAMMERS] Are you gonna change? - No, I'm good.

[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]

- [HOWARD] Oh. - [RHONDA] Bye!

- I don't like this. - [HOWARD] Mm-mmm.

I feel like I'm back at sleepaway camp. This mess is not for me.

You went to sleepaway camp too?

Every summer, Camp Onondaga.

- That sounds horrible. - Yes, it was.

A little blonde girl named Bobbi with an "I"

tried to teach me how to make a feathered headdress.

That's problematic in ways I'm still processing.

Well, I went to something called Camp Adventure.

Turns out the adventure

was seeing how far they could pull my underwear up my ass.

Okay, well, let's be civilized and stay on our phones the entire time.

Deal.

- Okay. There's no signal. - Oh.

[STAMMERS] Um, maybe we'll get reception

near that metal sled over there.

That's also a clock?

What type of fucked-up place is this?

Hi, Nicholas. I'm so sorry. I missed the van this morning.

My grandmother was in surgery and I'll spare you the details.

But let's just say we'll have an angel watching over us this weekend.

Anyhoo, I ended up just buying a flight to Dubai myself.

[CHUCKLES] $8,000. Wowsers.

And, oh, oh, I hate to bother you

but I don't have the address for the palace.

So just give me a ring whenever.

Okay. Love to everyone. Bye!

Hello.

Whew, Dubai.

Okay, are you seriously gonna debase yourself right now and cook?

Arthur better have a huge penis.

Shh, it's fine.

I'm just making chicken potpie.

Ew, why? It's like baby food inside of a hot pocket.

No, it's homey, it's down-to-earth.

- It's perfect. - [SIGHS]

[MOLLY SIGHS]

[KNIFE SQUEAKS]

- Uh, sweetie? Be careful. - Hmm.

Don't worry, it's fine. I just need to get back into my rhythm.

I need to find my flow.

- Hey. - [DOOR CLOSES]

All right, put me to work.

Uh, listen, I am actually gonna go outside right now and take some

salacious wilderness photos of myself for my Christmas card.

- [MOLLY] Mmm. - Um, Arthur,

can you help Molly with dinner?

Yeah, of course.

- What are we making? - Chicken potpie.

Oh, I love chicken potpie.

[WHISPERING] Ew. Stop it. No. Scat.

No, go, go, go, go, go, go.

- Go. - [HOWARD] Let me swipe.

Why won't you let me swipe?

Just give me one bar!

Cousin Molly, we need Wi-Fi! [GRUNTS]

If I can't check my email in the next ten minutes,

I'm burning this cabin to the ground.

Why are you guys making so much noise?

You are totally fucking with the vibe.

What vibe? You brought us here.

We're supposed to be vibing in Dubai.

Okay, that is it. Get outside and find something else to do.

Now. Move. Come on.

Move it, Salinas.

Bossy looks good on you.

[CHUCKLING]

You know, it's almost ready.

- Would you like to give it a try? - Oh, yes.

- Careful, it's hot. - Mmm.

That's pretty perfect if you ask me.

I don't know, I feel like it could use a bit more salt.

Wow. Going off recipe. I respect that.

[CHUCKLES] Bam.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Looks like we have a real "Emerald" Lagasse here, huh?

[CHUCKLING] I'm sorry, did you say "Emerald"?

Wait, do you think his name is "Emerald" Lagasse?

Yeah. Wait, what is it?

[CHUCKLING] It's Emeril.

- No, that's his nickname for Emerald. - [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING] Wait, do you think

a 60-year-old Cajun chef is named "Emerald"?

- You never questioned that? - [SCOFFS, CHUCKLES]

All right, enough. Get back to your stirring.

- Will do, "Arthurd." - [CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

[BLOWS]

[BLOWING]

Oh.

Oh, what was that for?

I saw a bug. I probably just saved your life.

Oh, my God. See, black people do not belong in cabins.

We belong at brunch or luxury vacations in Tulum.

- Mmm. - We've got no business here.

[SIGHS] Oh, well, we should start a fire.

That'll warm us up, keep the animals away.

Well, you know at Camp Adventure, my counselor spent three weeks

trying to teach me how to start a fire with a bow drill.

- [STAMMERS] I could try. - Mmm.

- Oh, maybe there's matches inside. - Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

But I don't think we're supposed to go in there.

I think something's going on with Arthur and Molly.

What? What do you mean?

Actually, I don't care. I'm too cold to be nosy.

Okay, well, let's just try this my way.

You get some wood, put it in a pyramid.

I'll go get some twine and a stick.

[STAMMERS] Howard, what is twine?

You know what we need right now?

- [MOLLY] Hmm? - Some cooking music.

[GASPS] Absolutely, yes.

Some cooking tunes.

["TOONMOWI TREE" PLAYING]

Ooh, I'm feeling this.

This is good. What is this?

It's really helping me with my cooking rhythm.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Yeah, it's actually an Australian band.

Willa turned me on to them.

- Huh. Wow, that's cool. - Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh. - That's very cool.

Willa. Wow. How's that going?

Yeah. I mean, pretty good. I really like her.

Well, it's great that you're getting yourself back out there.

Yes. Yeah.

No, I just... I feel like I'm just having so much fun, you know?

She... She forced me to take this crazy pottery class

and I'm so, so bad at it... [CHUCKLES] ... but I don't know,

I kind of loved it, you know?

It just feels like she's opening up the world to me again

- after the divorce. - Mmm.

I know it probably sounds stupid but, yeah, I'm just really happy.

Yeah.

["WHAT'S YOUR FANTASY" PLAYING]

Sorry, my daughter put that on there.

I don't know how to delete it.

[MOLLY SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Okay, I have a confession.

This is kind of nice. You did a good job on the fire.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I guess I did learn something at that camp

besides how to feel like a loser.

That bad?

Oh, it was ugly.

Let's just say it was the year I started puberty

and two years before I discovered deodorant.

Well, I'm sorry that happened to you.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I didn't have many friends in camp either.

- Really? - No.

I tried to start a walkout

because of all of the native name appropriation

but everybody just wanted to go swimming and give dry hand jobs.

Ah. The only friend I had in camp was the nurse.

- Oh, my God. Me too. - [CHUCKLES]

Mine's name was Linda.

- What? - Yes. She taught me how to crochet.

- Get out of here. [LAUGHS] - [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

[SIGHS]

- You know, if camp was more like this... - [BLOWS]

... us just sitting in front of the fire talking about life,

maybe we would have liked it more.

- You know, I think you're right. - [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

Hey, S... Sofia, do you think if we went to the same camp as kids

that you and I would have been friends?

[CHUCKLES] No.

[RUSTLING]

[SIGHS] Hey, guys.

Hey.

- Well, how did the shoot go? - Incredible.

The drone got this amazing shot of a beautiful lake

before it swooped down

and hovered right in front of that little tuft of hair above my crotch.

- [SOFIA] Mmm. - Impossible not to masturbate to.

- [SOFIA] Mmm. - Mmm.

Okay, everybody. Dig in.

It's Mama Molly's chicken potpie.

With a side of Uncle Arthur.

Great.

Now we're brother and sister. Wow.

[NICHOLAS] You know what?

I normally only really like chicken

when it's blended up into a protein smoothie

so I can really juice my glutes. But this is pretty good.

[PHONE CHIMING]

[NICHOLAS] My God.

[CHIMING CONTINUES]

Sorry.

[SIGHS] Oh. All these texts from Willa are coming in at the same time

but my service just keeps going in and out.

Yeah, mine too.

I've got like six voicemails from somebody named "Ahnslay."

I think that's a drag queen I hooked up with once.

- Block. - [CHUCKLES]

[PHONE CHIMES]

- [CHIMING CONTINUES] - [ARTHUR] Mmm.

Sorry.

You know, it's okay. You can go ahead and read it.

No, no, no, no. No, it's fine. I don't want to be rude.

It's pretty rude to have your phone buzzing

the entire time at dinner, so why don't you just read it?

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

What's so funny all of a sudden? Did someone auto-tune the news?

Willa and I have this thing

where she tells me when her dog is going to sleep

and I call to say good night to him. [CHUCKLES]

- It's so stupid. - [CHUCKLES]

That actually does sound really stupid.

Well, you know, Coz, Sofia and I ended up making a pretty good fire.

- Mm-hmm. - Maybe after dinner,

we have s'mores for dessert?

- [PHONE CHIMES] - [SIGHS]

We don't have ingredients for s'mores, Howard.

- That is a bummer. [CHUCKLES] - No, no, i-it's okay.

- We could just roast some marshmallows. - Mm-hmm.

- [CHIMING CONTINUES] - Were you not listening?

We don't have any of that.

You had a whole candy room in your old house,

but I'm crazy for mentioning marshmallows.

- [WHISPERING] What are you doing? - [PHONE CHIMING]

[SIGHS]

[ARTHUR] Well, I'm not gonna need any s'mores

because I'm gonna be too full from this chicken potpie.

Even though it's a little salty, Emerald.

It's fucking Emeril!

Okay, here's what's gonna happen since everything sucks so much.

Since we don't have s'mores and this potpie is a salty fucking mess!

I am going to the grocery store

to get this cabin full of children everything that they all want!

Molly, it's okay. I'll go.

Sit your ass down.

Oh, shit.

I am going alone to save this waste of a weekend!

["X GON' GIVE IT TO YA" PLAYING]

[NICHOLAS] Molly. Molly, wait.

The van is very big and the roads are very small

- and you are famously a bad driver. - I am a great driver!

Uh... Okay, but think about it this way,

driving is for ugly people and you're not ugly.

You're pretty, you're a very pretty girl, okay?

Don't let the ugly people win. Molly, come on.

[GRUNTS]

Oh. Okay. [STAMMERS]

- [CLAMORING] - Brake.

- [TIRES SCREECH] - [ARTHUR, HOWARD] Oh.

[NICHOLAS] Reconsider. Reconsider. Not the bear, not the bear.

- [ARTHUR] Not the bear! - Whoops.

- Oh. - No, no! Not that... Stop! Oh.

Stupid!

Molly, please. You're ignoring the cushion of safety.

I did it.

I motherfucking did it, motherfuckers!

- [CRASH] - [ALL SHOUTING]

[SOFIA] Oh, my God!

- [ARTHUR] Oh, no, no, no. - [SOFIA] Oh, my God!

[NICHOLAS] Why the fuck is she naked? I mean, is she okay?

Nature is terrible! Nothing good happens here.

- Calm down, everybody. - Oh, my God. Oh.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my... - Oh.

Well, that was quite the jolt.

- [CHUCKLES] - Rhonda, are you okay?

Oh. Yes, of course, dear.

It's not the first time I've been hit by a passenger van.

- [RHONDA CHUCKLES] - Okay, here we go.

- Oh. You just let this go. - [WHIMPERS]

You're gonna be fine.

Now, where's my purse? I need a gummy.

Oh. Thank you. Rhonda update.

She is totally fine except for the stuff she already had.

Oh, thank God. [SIGHS]

She got all your flowers and she will be back to work on Monday.

- [SIGHS] - [NICHOLAS] Are you okay?

I know this trip didn't really turn out the way we wanted it to.

I'm okay.

I just almost killed another human being and totally humiliated myself

in front of Arthur, but it is what it is.

I'm so sorry, babe.

I'm just gonna stick to the original plan.

- Gonna focus on myself and my work. - Yeah.

Do you, um, want to look at some of my drone nudes?

- Yeah, that would be nice. - Yeah.

- The wilderness really makes my ass pop. - Aw.

Wow, you are so good to me.

Hey, what are you doing here so early?

I couldn't sleep.

I've been thinking about Space for Everyone.

I wanna open more.

Well, we'll have three in Southern California

- by the end of the year. - Yeah, but why stop there?

Let's do it across the whole country.

Okay, uh, I think that's a great idea,

but I'm going to tell you something that you haven't heard in 20 years.

You don't have enough money.

Hey, Nicholas, assalamu alaikum. Just checking in.

It's been, like, four days, which is totally fine.

So sorry to be so annoying.

[CHUCKLES] Anyways, just, uh, call me back.

- Okay. [CHUCKLES] - [AIRPORT SECURITY OFFICER] Ainsley.

[IN ARABIC] I don't think your friends are coming.

[IN ENGLISH] Oh, Javid. [CHUCKLES]

You're such a Negative Nancy. They'll be here.

Come on, let's go get some Sbarro's.

Now, I do think we should try the Supremo this time

because didn't you last time get the four cheese or something?

Anyways, I think we should get...

- It was five. - Five cheeses? Wow.

["HOLIDAE IN" PLAYING]

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