Original subtitles

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[HOST 1] Two months after doing these pelvic exercises,

I'm telling you, my life has been changed forever.

- [APPLAUSE] - [HOST 2] I can tell you're tighter.

You feel tighter and you're a fighter.

- I love that about you. - [HOST 1, AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Anyways, let's get serious, because we have our very good friend,

Molly Wells, here to talk about her new housing initiative:

- Space For Everyone. - Yes.

Can I just jump in real quick?

I love that name. So sexy.

- Very sexy. - Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Yes. Space For Everyone is off to a fantastic start.

I bought an old downtown hotel.

- Oh, that's fun. - I love hotels.

Then we opened it up to people in need, free of charge.

- [BOTH] Aw. - Yes. And it's, uh...

We're at 100% capacity. It's great.

- Amazing. - [APPLAUSE]

- OMG. Kelly Beth wants to move in. - Uh-oh.

- I'm moving in. Make room. - Oh.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Yes. I... it is a wonderful facility... - Yeah.

... Kelly Beth. But it's actually just for unhoused people.

Ow.

I'll tell you who's gonna be unhoused soon.

My husband, Dan, if he doesn't stop snoring. [SNORES]

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Oh, God, Dan. Hit the streets.

Hit the streets, Dan.

[AUDIENCE, HOSTS CHANTING] Hit the streets. Hit the streets.

Hit the streets. [CHUCKLE]

But sleep apnea is a very serious issue.

Yes, and so is homelessness.

- Sure, sure, sure. - Mmm.

Which is why I'm here today.

- Right. We're going to get to that. - We are.

Right after Molly helps us out with our next segment, Slut or What?

- You're sticking around for that. - Oh, no.

- I don't think that would be... - That sounds like a hard "yes."

Join us after the break when this bish is gonna answer the question,

Justin Trudeau: Slut or What?

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

I don't... I don't think I have to stay for...

Be fun. Be fun.

Hold on. Turn that back on. I've gotta see where you landed on Trudeau.

Oh, please. Have you seen that quarantine beard?

- Total slut. - Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry I'm late, everyone.

Uh, l-let's talk about career center staffing priorities.

Uh, the first important...

- What? - Okay, now, this is an outfit.

I love that the office is finally going casual.

Oh, my God, Howard. Do you think you've been dressing up for work?

Hey, my Japanese manga T-shirts are very rare.

See, this character was banned

because his catchphrase loosely translates to "I do it for the butts."

Well, if you must know,

I'm dressed like this because I stayed over at Isaac's

and I forgot to bring a change of clothes.

[ALL] Ooh.

Can we get to work?

No. Because I pay for everything here

and I wanna hear more about you and Isaac.

Now, why don't you keep a few sets of clothes at Isaac's?

You guys are clearly serious.

Serious? [SCOFFS] I don't know about serious.

- It's still pretty casual. - Uh, we'll be the judge of that.

How many nights per week do you stay over at his place?

- Two or three. - And has he seen you wear your CPAP machine?

I... He said that it was cute.

Have you said "I love you"?

Howard, that's private.

Do you poop in the same location consistently?

[CHUCKLES] I...

Yes. Yes, we do.

- [ALL] Ooh. Wow. - Dirty girl.

That's bigger than "I love you."

Look, Isaac and I really like each other,

but I'm not looking for something serious.

And neither is he.

Now, can we get back to work?

Fine, if you insist.

- Let's get started on everything we can... - Shut up. Everyone, shut up.

I just got a text from a rep from LA Fashion Week.

They want Molly to walk in one of their runway shows

as a special guest. The theme is "women who rule."

- Aw. - What? Me?

- Wow. - [NICHOLAS] Oh, my God.

This is everything we've been working towards.

This makes sitting here every day

surrounded by this rat king of mediocrity worth it.

W... I don't know. I mean, I do love fashion.

But I mean, walking on the runway with all those actual models.

I don't think so. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, coz. You've got style, you've got sass,

and our family's got big feet, which gives you great balance.

It could be good publicity for the foundation.

And you'd be great, Molly.

- You think so? - Yeah.

- Well, okay. - [CHEERING]

I mean, I was gonna do it anyway,

but I love being called pretty. Thanks, guys.

"Can white guy wear purple suit?"

- Okay, what are you doing? - [GROANS]

This is embarrassing.

I'm worried about the fashion show. I don't know what to wear.

[HOWARD] What are these?

Oh. I was looking for style inspiration.

And that led me to John Legend's music.

Pretty out-there stuff.

Okay. I am so glad I saw this.

You were about to make a big, big mistake.

- Would you be comfortable in any of that? - [ARTHUR] Definitely not.

But I don't know, I'm just tired of fading

into the background all the time.

Arthur, you do not fade into anything.

You are a handsome, kind, fit guy who's got a really good job.

There are not a lot of you out there.

- You think? - Hey, you are a catch.

I mean, I'd introduce you to my hot aunt, Luanne,

if she wasn't a raging psychopath.

We think she might have killed Kevin.

- Aw. That means a lot. - You want my advice?

Just do a classic look with a good fit.

You know, maybe show off these thighs. I see what you working with.

Okay. And maybe I add a little fedora here like Mr. Legend does?

Okay, no, I am confiscating these from you.

If you're gonna take hat advice from anyone,

it should be Cedric the Entertainer.

Got it.

What is "Cedric the Entertainer"?

- Housekeeping. - Oh, you are so sweet to grab this for me.

Of course.

Can I tell you something?

I think you look hot. This whole thing is working for me.

Well, maybe I can wear this tonight.

I'll be Kawhi Leonard and you can be Ivica Zubac. [CHUCKLES]

Or something else.

- [WHISPERS] God. - Okay. Hey, listen. You know what?

I wanted to... I was gonna text you about this actually.

- Okay. - Each year,

I buy a season pass to the Hollywood Bowl.

Okay, of course you do.

And I was thinking, this year I should buy two.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Wow.

- And how many concerts is that? - Well, I mean, it's a lot of concerts.

That's why it's such a bargain.

In fact, there's a great jazz series. I used to play.

- Oh. - I was a bit of a sax man.

Sax man? [CHUCKLES] Didn't know that was a word.

But anyway, what do you think? Should I get you a pass?

[CHUCKLES] You know, it's just...

It's hard sometimes for me to plan ahead with the job...

- Right. - ... and, you know, climate change.

By 2024, this whole thing could be underwater.

Okay. Well, if a tsunami hits LA, we can cancel.

But if it doesn't, do you think you could sneak out of work

a couple of nights?

Okay. You look like you need to think about it.

Uh, I'll leave you to it. [SIGHS]

Um, I'll see you later.

Yes. [STAMMERS] I c... I... I appreciate you. [CHUCKLES]

See ya.

[NICHOLAS] Oh, my God. You look so good I could just eat you.

It's like I finally understand where Armie Hammer was coming from.

- Mmm. Thank you, Nicholas. - [HOWARD] Hey.

We need to talk about this broken yogurt machine.

We don't have a yogurt machine.

Okay, then whatever machine I've been putting Greek yogurt into

is not operating properly.

Howard, I'm very busy right now.

My stylist and I are picking a dress for the fashion show.

Fine. But I will be following up on this.

- Okay. - You look very nice, by the way.

Well, thank you.

Aw, Ms. Wells, you have such a sweet relationship with your son.

[GASPS]

Oh.

You think Howard is my son?

Is he not?

I'm so sorry.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] No big whoop.

[LAUGHS] No big whoop, girlfriend.

[LAUGHING]

No big whoop, girlfriend.

Oh, no.

[SINGSONGY] No big whoop, girlfriend.

[NORMAL VOICE] Hi. Oh, no big whoop, girlfriend.

We cool, girl. Hey, girl. We're cool.

- You need to leave now. - Mm-hmm.

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

[MOUTHING WORD] No.

Oh, hey. Everything all right?

Not really. I don't want a Hollywood Bowl season pass.

I don't wanna commit to seeing Matchbox Twenty in March.

That is insane. I can't believe you're putting me in this position.

Y... Okay, wh... Sorry, wha-what position?

I feel like you're pressuring me.

It's way too early for this level of commitment.

So, is this a bad time to suggest we get parking passes too?

Is that a joke?

Come on. Sofia, what's going on? Are you all right?

I thought things were going great.

- They are! You are the best! - Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm confused.

[SIGHS] You're making decisions about my life,

and I have a job where I am literally trying to help people to survive.

Nothing can get in the way of that. I won't allow it. I am sorry.

- I don't buy it. - What?

I just think you're afraid.

I think you're scared of this, scared of us getting serious,

and you're just using work as an excuse.

Okay, well... You know, I don't even...

Wow. Wow. Chill out, Dr. Phil.

Am I wrong?

Look, I don't need you to be my therapist.

I have a therapist.

Well, I'm trying to get one. I'm looking into names.

My last one asked too many questions.

I don't wanna be your therapist. I just want you to be honest with me.

I am being honest with you.

I'm telling you exactly how I feel,

and if you can't handle it, then we have a problem.

Yeah. Then I guess we've got a problem.

Okay.

So, I'm... I'm glad we understand each other finally.

Goodbye.

- [DOOR OPENS] - Sofia.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[NICHOLAS] Don't worry about what Patricia says, okay?

This happens to everyone.

Just last month, I was out on a date with a guy,

and the waiter thought he was my father.

Now, to be fair, I was calling him Daddy, sitting on his lap,

and he was burping me.

You know what? This isn't a good example. I'm sorry.

Don't even worry about it, coz.

It's just an honest mistake

due to my impeccable skin and boyish joie de vivre.

Thank you.

- I just hate seeing my mommy so sad. - Okay. Get out of here.

Don't you have some video games to be playing or something?

You're saying that dismissively,

but that's exactly what I'm gonna go do.

- Bonsoir, maman. - Wow.

Okay. This is what I was worried about.

Let's face it. This fashion show was a bad idea.

What are you talking about?

You are gorgeous from head to toe.

Don't believe me? Ask wikiFeet.

Let's face facts. That stylist was right. I am middle-aged.

I mean, most days it doesn't bother me.

Good, because it shouldn't.

It's just that by the time I was 25,

I was swallowed up whole by John's life.

I wasted my hottest bikini years on that asshole.

And just some days, I just want to get those years back.

Mol, you can get those years back.

J.Lo has been 30 for the last 25 years,

and you know what the secret is?

My attitude.

No, stupid. Your money.

You're a billionaire. For you, aging is optional.

Well, when you put it that way.

Listen, if you put your complete trust in me,

I can take ten years off of you.

Well, that sounds wonderful.

Oh, it's gonna be the opposite of wonderful.

It's gonna be painful, demoralizing. You're gonna hate me.

You're probably gonna shit your pants, and you're definitely gonna cry.

But when I'm finished with you,

you're gonna walk down that runway like a baby seal.

I want that, Nicholas. I wanna be a baby seal.

Then let's get to work.

["WORK BITCH" PLAYING]

Let me out! It's cold!

My fucking nipples are freezing.

- They're gonna snap off! - We'll get you new ones.

- [MOLLY SOBS] - You've got one more minute.

Turn it up, Gustavo. If the grid can take it, so can she.

I'm smelling burning. Is that my skin?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

You sure it's working?

This is exactly how it's supposed to look.

This is dolphin collagen.

How did they get the collagen out?

They don't hurt the dolphin, do they?

Oh, no. Of course not, honey.

- Open. - No.

- Open. - Mm-mmm.

Oh, God, it's so hot. My nipples are melting!

Good. You've got about one more minute.

Hey! Hey! No, no. No passing out. No passing out.

[MOLLY GRUMBLES]

I don't know, Nicholas. It doesn't hurt yet.

In three, two, one.

- Oh, my God! Wipe it off! Wipe it off. - No. Ignore her, Marisol.

Do not look at her.

- [MARISOL SCREAMING] - Wipe it off!

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[HOWARD] Man, isn't life crazy?

I mean, this morning I was trying to use an expired coupon at Ralph's,

and now I just accidentally farted on Tom Ford.

It's all so glamorous.

This feels like The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

Yeah. Usually, blatant displays of consumerism bother me,

but this is actually kind of fun.

Do you think that I would get in trouble

if I tried to walk the red carpet?

- Definitely. - Yes.

You know, I'm considered a sex symbol

in several eastern European countries.

In Estonia, I am known as the Toothed Flower.

Well, let's get a drink and not talk about that anymore.

- Come on, Ainsley. - I don't wanna know what that means.

Ooh, ooh! Hot white guy alert. [LAUGHING]

Is that Arthur, or am I looking at Ridge Forrester?

Wait. Who's that?

You don't watch The Bold and the Beautiful?

- No, do you? - Of course I do.

And trust me, that is one hell of a compliment.

- Oh, thank you. - [CHUCKLES]

You know, I've never had my pants tailored before.

It's hugging all my private parts with the same pressure.

It feels great.

Well, I'm proud of you, buddy.

- Thank you. - [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God. Did I dress exactly like a security guard?

No, no, no. Not at all. [STAMMERS]

No one's gonna get you confused for a...

What are you doing?

Where's your earpiece?

You're supposed to be standing by the toilets!

Yes, ma'am.

- Do you have an earpiece? - [MOUTHING WORD] No.

Oh, my God! Someone call the police

because Molly Wells just murdered everyone here.

- [SCREAMS] - [CHEERING]

- [WHISPERING] Thank you, Nicholas. - Of course.

You look amazing. I love you.

Your hair is iconic.

Drop that skincare routine, or I will slit your fucking throat.

Thanks, girls. Hi, models.

[GIGGLING]

You look a little sad face emoji. Is everything okay?

Oh, I'm great, Ainsley.

I-I actually broke up with Isaac yesterday.

Oh, no.

No. No, it's great. I'm glad. I dodged a bullet.

A bullet? That's scary.

I know. Thank you.

'Cause this is how it goes.

You meet someone, you connect, they make you feel seen,

and then you realize how much easier life is

when someone understands you.

- Okay. - But then, Ainsley,

they want you to skip work and go to the Hollywood Bowl.

- And then they want you to get married. - Oh, yay.

But then you find yourself in a RV in Bakersfield with three kids.

Broke because your husband invested all his money

in his idea for a mall shaped like a pyramid.

- Oh, no. - Exactly.

I'm not falling into that trap.

That's why I broke up with the most kind,

loving, stable man I've ever been with.

A man who likes to drink water and has a bed frame. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, okay.

Thank you. You're really good at this.

Zero follow-up questions.

You should be a therapist.

Sure.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hey. Um, I'm working the show,

but I was running late and I forgot my credentials.

And I was just wondering if I could get backstage.

Oh, ye... I'm... I'm not a security guard.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, m... my mistake.

I just thought 'cause you're dressed exactly like them. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, I wouldn't say exactly alike.

I am wearing cream-colored socks and theirs are white.

- I assume. - Yes.

Now I see it. [STAMMERS] Night and day.

- Thank you. You get it. - [CHUCKLES]

Uh, I am so late. I'm gonna be fired.

Um...

Oh. Uh, here. Here. Come with me.

Yeah, we got her. Flying her in now.

I know we don't have a lot of time, Captain.

I'm going as fast as I can.

I gotta get the condor to the nest here. Thank you.

- [CHUCKLES] Condor? - I don't know. It just came to me.

[CHUCKLES] No, I... I love it. Thank you so much. Bye.

Bye.

[TIKTOK VOICE] A billionaire who can dance?

Get you a girl who can do both.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

We're doing it. We're TikToking. Molly, Tina, Bianca.

Oh, my God. That was so good.

I feel like if we do it ten or 11 more times,

- we can get this dance trending. - [CHUCKLING] Oh, yes. Sounds great.

[SQUEALS] Amazing! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God. Get me a fucking chair and five Tylenol.

Actually, screw the chair. I need a doctor for my bones.

I will find one.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Molly, can you do a handstand?

Oh, totally, girlfriend. [CHUCKLES]

[SQUEALS]

Oh. [GROANING]

So you're telling me it's a coincidence you're dressed like this?

Yeah, I was trying to serve a look.

Sorry, could I steal my bodyguard for a second?

Oh, my God. You're the woman I helped earlier.

You're a model?

Don't act that surprised. I mean, we're at a fashion show.

No. No, no, no. I'm s... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it... I...

- It's just, you were so normal... - Oh.

... and easy to talk to that I never thought that...

Right. That's funny, 'cause you were so weird

that I thought you were a model.

[ARTHUR CHUCKLES]

I'm Arthur, by the way.

I'm Willa. Although sometimes I go by Condor.

Yes, you do. [CHUCKLES]

Can I have your phone?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I'm gonna put my number in.

Uh, I would love to take you to dinner

- as a thank-you sometime. - Oh.

Just, you know, promise me you won't come dressed as the chef.

No. Yes. No.

I was thinking of wearing this however.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, I... I'm sure you have the legs for it.

I... I most definitely do.

I should go walk up and down for a while.

- Okay. [CHUCKLES] - Yeah. They pay me.

Okay. Good.

- Dude! A model just asked you out. - [CHUCKLES]

- I know! - [LAUGHING]

[BOTH] Yes! [CLEARING THROATS]

- Sorry. Yeah. Happens all the time. - Mm-hmm.

[SIGHS]

One minute. One minute until we go.

[TINA] Hey.

I couldn't help but notice

that you're drenched in sweat and look terrified.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. I-I'm just so hot.

Is it always this hot back here?

Don't worry. I get it. We all get nervous.

Take this.

- What is that? - It's mostly herbal.

All the girls do it.

It just, like, chills you out, but gives you tons of energy.

And here. The champagne really activates it.

- Well, I mean, I guess if it's herbal... - Mm-hmm.

- ... and all the girls are doing it. - Mm-hmm.

["GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" PLAYING]

Mmm.

[APPLAUDING]

[CHEERING]

[HOWARD] There she is.

Oh!

I'm killing it.

- Wow. - Whoo!

[MOLLY] I'm killing it. I'm killing it. I'm killing it.

[SLURRING] I'm killing this. I'm a supermodel.

What the fuck is going on?

She is high off of her ass.

My feet hurt.

- [AUDIENCE GROANS, GASPING] - Ha-bang!

[SQUEAKING]

I'm moonwalking.

- [STAMMERS] She's got the moves. - Uh-huh.

["SHIMMY SHIMMY YA" PLAYING]

Oh, whoopsie.

Wha... I can do it. I'm a woman who rules.

Maybe don't video.

[CHUCKLES] I'm a bird.

[CAWING]

I'm 25. I'm doing TikTok, baby.

"Tikidy-Toky." "TikyTok."

And she's already trending.

[SCREAMS] What the fuck is that?

Babe, it's just a hat.

[GASPS] It moved. It's moving.

- Somebody do something. - [AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Why is everyone looking at me? Stop looking at me!

[MEOWING]

I'm a cat in the night.

Are these gluten-free?

Don't put that in your... Drop it.

[MOLLY] Oh.

Why won't you die?

[SNORING]

You feeling any better? You want the puke bucket again?

[INHALES DEEPLY] No, there's nothing else in me.

It's all gone. I'm a husk.

- Okay, goals. [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES]

The doctor says he wants to hold you for observation for another hour.

But after that, we can go home.

- I'm gonna go tell everyone you're okay. - Okay.

Hi.

Are you Molly Wells?

Yes. Did I go viral again?

I seem to keep doing that.

You know, I did actually win a Webby once.

Actually, I recognized your name

because my cousin just moved into the Space For Everyone hotel.

Oh, really? Wow.

It's already helping him so much, so thank you.

Oh, I'm so glad.

He's been through it.

Had a lot happen in his life, but I admire him.

He somehow keeps pushing through. Kinda like you.

Wow. I guess I do have quite a few miles on me.

Well, be proud of them.

Thank you.

Hey, what's up? It's your girl, Tina, back at it again at Cedars-Sinai.

Not me getting my first stomach pump of the year.

She's serving up emergency. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Molly. Do you wanna say hi to all my followers?

You know what? I really don't.

Okay.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for dinner. Aren't we making dinner together tonight?

No. No. We broke up.

What? No, we didn't.

- Oh, my God. Wait, did we break up? - Yeah.

We had a huge fight, I said goodbye, I blocked you on Instagram,

and I cry-shouted Alanis Morissette songs in the car.

I mean, I know that we had a fight,

but that doesn't mean it's over between us, does it? Right?

That's usually how it happens for me.

I don't wanna break up.

I wanna make you this tofu stir-fry,

then watch you secretly order pizza.

I mean... [SIGHS, STAMMERS] ... I wanna do that too. [CHUCKLES]

Listen, I... I went too far.

I probably went too far with the whole Hollywood Bowl thing.

It's just that I'm really excited about you. I'm really excited.

And so, you know, I don't wanna push you, but I just...

Maybe we could go inside and talk about it.

Listen, I may have overreacted.

And I'm hungry.

And you look fucking good in this sweater.

I know. I'm an autumn.

["PUT IT ON ME" PLAYING]

You ready?

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