Original subtitles

.

[bright tones]

[bell ringing]

[overlapping chatter]

- I cannot afford to lose momentum on my book,

and this hunk of junk last night started doing that--

that spinning rainbow wheel thing?

And then I--I tried to fix it by mashing all the keys,

and it started bonking at me like, "Bonk, bonk, bonk."

And then it sounded like

my hair dryer was in there, or something?

- You have a hair dryer? - Okay, here we go.

Yeah, yeah. [stammers]

Yeah, you have time to dry your hair

but not put on real pants, right?

And do you use the hair dryer to heat up your TV dinners

and so on, and so forth?

Get it out now, ladies. Very funny stuff.

[women laughing]

- We got you. - Yeah, yeah, you got me.

All right, so is there, like, a computer lab?

I--I gotta get my work done, here.

- Yes, but you'd never catch me

touching the keyboards in the lab.

I mean, kids put their fingers everywhere.

- [laughs] They touch turtles.

- All right, yeah, but I don't have a choice, okay?

'Cause the only computer I can afford right now

is, like, a used OLPC XO,

which is a remedial device used by children

in third-world countries.

- Good morning, Whitlockians.

Did you guys get the memo? [clears throat]

"This year's 'Whitlock's Got Talent'

is going to be the best ever!"

- Yes, we hear you! - Well, let me see that.

- [stammers] - What?

This is a doctor's letter

saying that you can use the bathroom on planes

even when the seatbelt sign is on.

- Oh, Durbs.

Why would you use this paper as your fake memo?

- I don't know, all right?

But I desperately need that back.

- Mm-hmm.

- The one thing I would like you all to take

from this interaction

is that the talent show is going to be fun.

- I hate the talent show.

No one signed up for my bell choir.

Third year in a row.

- Oh, I'll sign up.

- Yeah. Girl, we got you.

- Girl, what if mine were all fast?

Like, ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding.

- Mm-hmm, and then I'll go like:

♪ Bong

- You can't actually do two... - ♪ Bong

- At once. - Ding-ding-ding-ding.

- [beat boxing] - Like: Bonk. Bonk, bonk.

- No, no. [all vocalizing]

No! - Guys, guys.

That's great, but you're still gonna need some students.

This is a talent show for students.

Our sponsor, Greta Donovan from Donovan Exterminators,

has upped the prize money

to $3,000.

all: Ooh! - Been a very good year.

- Wait, I'm sorry, $3,000?

You're just gonna give a bunch of kids $3,000?

I mean, that--that's the price of a first-world computer.

- We make the check out to their faculty advisor.

We're not stupid.

- We're gonna win the talent show.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- Mr. Griffin? - Yeah.

- Why would you choose to do an extracurricular

when you don't even do regular curricular?

- Look, guys, the answer is simple, okay?

I love talent.

- We could use the money to have a pizza party

with all kinds of pizzas.

Pepperoni pizza... - Meat lover's pizza.

- I like Hawaiian pizza. - What are we doing, guys?

We're just gonna list all the pizzas in the world?

Yeah, sure, we'll have a pizza party.

But first we gotta find some talent, okay?

So let's-- let's start over here.

Marissa, what do you got?

- I could say the alphabet backwards.

"Z-Y-X-V..."

[lighthearted music]

"T"-- - Yeah, that stinks.

It really does. Who else?

- I can juggle four balls.

Make that five.

I also do magic. - Mm-hmm.

You just keep getting worse.

Come on guys. Who else, who else, who else?

Uh, Dan. Dan, what's your talent?

- I mean, I could throw food up in the air

and catch it in my mouth.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Let me see that.

Oh, whoa, that was awesome.

He caught popcorn in his mouth.

All right, well, Dan Decker's on the lead.

Who else? Who else, guys?

Over--anybody over here?

You got something, Vic?

You lost your nerve, there, bud?

All right, well come on.

There's gotta be somebody with some talent, yeah?

Caleb, what you got cooking? - Nothing.

- Hey, no secrets from papa.

- It's just a dumb play.

Papa.

- A play?

Hmm.

"A pregnant prostitute crosses the stage barefoot.

♪

"She stops and pulls a sticker from a banana off her foot."

Fascinating.

[no audible dialogue]

♪

- Ralph, bad news.

Mr. Porter's sick, so he's not gonna be able

to emcee the talent show this year.

Plus, his drama class is unsupervised,

and they might be having an orgy.

- Okay, our kids would never do something that awful.

- Tread lightly, Ralph.

I'm an orgy baby.

My mom was an orgy baby, her mom was--

- Helen, Helen, Helen. [stammers]

We need to figure out who's gonna host.

- Who are we gonna find to replace Mr. Porter?

- Who's got the--the pizzazz, the singing chops,

the rhythm to-- to do what he does?

There's no one.

[tapping jaunty rhythm]

- [gasps] Ralph, you've got the rhythm!

♪ And I can sing [scatting]

- ♪ And we can both

♪ Kind of act

- ♪ Plus I can sing

♪

- We're a triple threat.

Helen, will you host

"Whitlock's Got Talent" with me?

- Ralph, I would be honored.

[cheerful music]

♪

- Welcome to your first handbell lesson.

I'm Michelle, your director.

- [laughs] - Ooh, "director."

- I know, look at Michelle getting all serious.

- Right. both: "I'm the director."

- [fake laugh]

Well, handbells are serious instruments.

They are not toys.

These are each individually cast,

they can never touch one another,

and one must always wear gloves

when handling the bells.

Ahem.

You are about to go on a wild journey.

There will be high highs...

[high tone]

♪

- [whispering] And crushing lows.

[deep note]

♪

Don't be scared.

- I want that big daddy right there.

- Ah-ah, no, no, no.

I am the only non-Soviet female who can play that one.

[clears throat] Bells up!

[rousing percussion music]

♪

- This is it.

This is amazing.

It's--it's raw, it's super weird...

[laughs] It's got grit.

I bet you the judges have never seen anything like this.

Caleb, I was blown away when-- when the pregnant prostitute

showed up at the truck stop

with a brick of coke and a pound cake.

- Really? - Yeah, man.

You gotta own your talent.

I mean, really, you're--

you're competing against garbage.

I mean, people are juggling, and some are doing magic.

- Those are both mine. - Yeah.

- Why don't you pick on Dan?

All he did was eat popcorn.

- Okay, Marcus, I can catch harder stuff, too.

I catch ham.

And I'm not talking about the deli slices.

I'm talking about the thick Easter cuts.

- That is cool... [sighs]

But with my help, this play is gonna be next level.

Round of applause for Caleb, everybody.

He's our $3,000 baby.

[applause]

♪

.

- You neutered me.

You literally took them off me.

- I had to get information out of you

for my job as mob boss.

- But you were my best friend,

and you cut my [bleep] [bleep] off.

- Go home to your family.

You're drunk.

It's Christmas.

- [groans] That's great.

That's great. All right, again, again.

- Look at my mangled face.

- You can't command me around just 'cause you're my husband.

- Then I command you

as Chief of Police of Paris.

Look at my mangled face.

- [wails]

- The whole thing takes place in Paris.

I didn't realize that until just now.

That really elevates it. - Right?

- You gave my sister an STD.

Good-bye.

- Holy [bleep] [bleep].

You're the prostitute that stabbed me.

- I'm pregnant.

The doctor said it's your baby.

He had your sperm on file.

- I mean, I'd help raise it, but...

I'm dead. - [sighs]

Wow.

That's great, guys. That is really great.

We'll maybe tweak the ending a little bit, though.

- Yeah, I felt that, too.

- All right, let's keep this going.

I think we're gonna get that pizza!

- Pepperoni.

- Yeah, we'll get a bunch of them.

You don't have to-- - Mushroom.

- Grace.

[all playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie"]

♪

- Bells down. - Whoo!

[laughs]

- [sighs]

Wow, that was rough.

- Uh, well, it could probably use

a little pizzazz.

- Yes, I was thinking that.

Maybe we take one glove off and we just hit 'em with a...

♪ Hee-hee - Ooh, yes!

And then maybe combine the two so it's like a little...

♪ Shamone

♪ Hee-hee - Come on, combo.

[both vocalizing]

- ♪ Ah - [hissing between teeth]

Shut up!

At this point, I don't think anyone's even gonna know

we're playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie."

The greatest fear of every handbell ringer

is that the audience won't be able

to tell what song it is.

It happens in over 70% of all handbell performances.

Look, I love you guys,

You both seem very nice as people,

and, like, you're trying to improve, but...

[laughs] As handbell players,

you're nothing.

You're fired. Return your gloves.

- But, Michelle,

I have a milk delivery I need to make in the 1950s.

- And I had a date with a California raisin.

- [quietly] All right. - [rings bell aggressively]

[funky percussion music]

♪

- I got it.

What if our act is something like the show "Jackass"?

Here, put this pudding cup on the floor.

I'm gonna dive into it.

- Helen, Helen, get-- no, get down, all right?

If we're gonna impress Greta, we need something magical.

Something-- something transcendent.

A--a surefire hit for the ages.

- "Jackass"! - Billy Crystal Oscar medley.

- That's a good idea, too. - All right.

- Hey.

Just gonna sign my kids up for that talent show.

Now, is that $3,000 gonna come in cash?

I also accept Apple gift cards.

For the kids, obviously.

- Oh, I like your confidence. It's foxy.

- Yeah, well, I think the judges are gonna be

pretty blown away

by the edgy theater piece we're doing.

- Uh, there aren't any judges. [laughs]

We have an applause-o-meter.

It gauges the audience reaction.

Usually crowd-pleasing spectacles

are the ones that win.

- Last year's winner

set off fireworks while she sang

and armpit-farted the national anthem.

All four verses--

including the original racist one.

- Wait a second, so we're not gonna be judged

by a panel of experts

who appreciate nuance and originality?

We're just judged by...

noise? - [whispers] Yeah.

- [blows raspberry] - [laughing]

♪

- Thank you for the sex.

It felt normal.

- Just leave the money on the table and get out.

I'm going into labor.

Uh, oh, gosh. Here we go.

- I was born into fire.

- Wow... [sighs]

Hate to cut that off, guys, but change of plans.

The play is dead.

Yeah, we gotta think of something else.

No one was gonna like it.

It was never gonna win us that money.

Now, who can make a melody with their armpit?

- But you said my play was good.

My--my parents are coming.

This is the first thing I've invited them to.

- Well, they should still come, 'cause we need clappers.

Now, are they the hooting and hollering type?

'Cause that'd be great.

Was that a yes? - Yeah.

- We'll think of something.

.

- All right, guys, we don't have a lot of time,

but we need to put on the most pandering,

mass-appealing show ever known to man.

So what do your dumb classmates like?

Go. - Candy.

Cheese Whiz. - The beach.

Walks on the beach. Drinks on the beach.

- According to a YouTube search,

the most watched videos are of electronic dance music

Bollywood, unboxing,

ASMR, juggling...

[rousing music]

♪

- So, what are we doing?

- Whew.

All of it.

♪

[devious chuckle]

- Principle Durbin, wake up!

You're gonna miss "Whitlock's Got Talent"!

- [laughing] No, I won't!

Because...

[cheers and applause]

[glamorous music]

both: ♪ Whitlock's got talent

♪ Whitlock's got talent

♪ Whitlock's got talent

♪ Whitlock's got talent

- Welcome to "Whitlock's Got Talent."

And, oh, who do we have here? - Uh-oh.

- It's Coach! - I had to be here.

I'm making sure the gym floor doesn't get scuffed.

- [chuckling] - That is so Coach!

He shows up to the talent show,

but he can't get his players to show up to the game.

[laughter]

- Oh, and who else do we have here today?

It's Greta Donovan from Donovan Exterminators,

where Whitlock high goes

for all of its pest control needs.

- And thanks to this lovely lady,

we know that the beetles won't be performing here tonight.

[audience groans, laughs]

both: ♪ Whitlock's got talent

♪ Whitlock's got talent

♪ Whitlock's got talent

♪ Whitlock's got talent

- [scatting]

♪

- [scatting] Boom!

- [increasingly bizarre scatting]

♪

[trilling] ♪ Ree

[light applause]

- Your next contestant is Mrs. Jones and her companions.

- Bells up.

- Oh, my God.

She replaced us with herself.

- She did not.

[playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie"]

♪

both: Oh...

- But this is very good.

I mean, she is excellent.

♪

- [gasps] - [exclaims]

- Okay, guys, we are up next and we need to win, all right?

This is gonna be the greatest night

of all your lives.

[excited chatter] Here we go.

♪

- Oh, my God, she's going for the big boy.

♪

- Let's bring it in, guys. Okay, ready?

One, two, three...

[all calling pizza toppings]

- Oh, still talking about pizza, huh?

[applause]

- Thank you so much, Mrs. Jones.

- Amazing.

- And now, back to the student, uh, talent show.

Up next is Mr. Griffin's A.P. Bio class.

Did you know that Mr. Griffin

used to teach at Harvard?

- Really?

I've never heard him mention it!

[laughter]

- You guys ready? Let's do it.

- Please welcome

the EDM Candy Dance Spectacular Samurai Explosion.

[heavy electronic pop music playing through speakers]

- Grace, now.

♪

- ♪ Kick it

♪

[cheering]

♪

- Go! Go harder! Do more stuff!

♪

[cheering]

♪

Ah, he's gonna ruin it.

♪

Eduardo, Marissa, Sarika, go!

♪

[cheering, whistling]

♪

Caleb! Smile, man!

Sell it!

♪

[sighs] All right.

[audience muttering]

Pour candy corn in the fan.

- You're going a little too far.

- No, trust me, man. They're gonna love it.

♪

[audience shouting]

- Get outta here. Knock it off.

♪

[audience coughing]

- What are we looking at?

- You just have to pick one and watch them.

Otherwise, you'll get a headache.

[audience booing]

♪

[music stops]

[audience coughing, booing]

- They didn't like it. They didn't like it.

[tense music]

♪

.

- All right, ladies and gentlemen,

prepare to be amazed.

For this next trick... - I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.

I know you really wanted that pizza.

It's hard when you have your heart set on something

you really, really want...

- Okay.

- And then it gets taken away from you.

I, too, wanted that pizza.

- Okay, all right, Victor. I hear you.

Yeah, thank you. - Cut him in half.

[distant applause]

Hey, listen, why don't you two go take your seats?

You're not gonna want to miss this, okay?

- It was nice knowing you.

Ha-oh!

- [groans] - Wow, that's great.

Yeah, I--can I just--? Sorry about that.

Uh, hi, everybody.

Um, I just wanted to let you all know,

there will be one more entry in tonight's contest:

Caleb Baker's dramatic, seven-act play.

[scattered applause]

Don't know how they did that.

Caleb, it's go time.

- I don't want to do my play, I--

- Caleb, come here.

[sighs] Listen, man.

I was wrong, okay? [stammers]

I backed the wrong horse.

I should have gone with my first instinct

and done your play.

- You said no one was gonna like it.

- Well, they probably won't.

'Cause it's good, like my books.

You know who likes my books?

I do.

Do you like your play?

- Yeah.

- I like it. - I like it.

- Me, too. That's four.

That's already more than Mr. Griffin's books.

- All right, take it easy, man.

- Let's do this.

I've got an idea for the ending.

[inaudible whispering]

[sweet music]

- [sighs]

♪

- Holy [bleep] [bleep].

You're the prostitute that stabbed me.

- I'm pregnant,

and the doctor said it's your baby.

- I told you.

- I mean, I'd help you raise it, but...

I'm dead. - Mm.

- I've been meaning to tell you...

I'm dead, too.

- I told you.

- I know you did.

- Now, take me to heaven

before we both get dragged to hell.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, boy.

- Okay. [laughs]

That's the table from shop class.

- Let's hear it for Caleb's play.

- Yes. - Whoo!

- That was, uh, very inappropriate,

but I think we have a winner!

[cheers and applause]

♪

[bell ringing]

♪

- All right. [sighs]

- Whoa, $3,000 worth of pizza?

- Grace, no what are you-- what are you talking about?

I bought this pizza.

- You bought us pizza with your own money?

But you're poor.

- They're beautiful,

but we can't possibly accept them.

- It's not like I can take it back.

Plus, you guys deserve it, okay?

You--you won first place, all right?

Although the old lady, she did rescind the money

because of you guys' dirty ghost sex.

- Thank you for liking my play, Mr. Griffin.

- Everyone did.

- Yeah, I guess it was artful.

And the masses liked it.

I hope you know what that's like someday.

- All right, well, bring it down a notch, there, bud, okay?

Dan Decker could read one of my philosophy papers out loud

and the masses would like it, too, okay?

That's--that's just Dan Decker.

He is the coolest.

[all laughing]

All right, so just read my book into the mic.

- "The pursuit of happiness can be broken down

"into four basic categories:

"One, work a job where you can see

"the physical results of your labor

"at the end of the day.

"Two, create mundane celebrations

"to distract from impending death.

"Three, ingest sugary, fatty,

or salty foods that release endorphins."

[rousing country music]