Original subtitles

.

[dramatic music]

[shatters, all gasp]

- Well, my brainy little babies,

I have officially been thrown off the Harvard teat.

- I thought you were fired a long time ago.

- Oh, I was, Marcus, yeah.

I was kicked off the salary and housing teat,

but I was able to remain firmly latched

on to their phone-plan teat.

- Guys, if he says "teat" one more time,

we might be able to get him fired.

- Let's try and stay focused on my phone, Sarika.

Uh, now, before you suggest

that I just go to a phone store

and sign up for my own plan--

- How is that not the solution?

- Well, Anthony, because I have--Anyone?

Atrocious credit. Yeah, yeah.

No carrier will trust me, so I am off the grid

until I come up with a solution.

[dramatic note]

- Are you saying you have no phone?

Like, for good?

- That's what I'm saying. - Are you gonna die?

- I mean, there's an outside chance

you could get on my family's plan.

Yeah, I mean, my parents would have

to get to know you a little better,

but we could schedule a series of dinners.

- You know what? I would dislike that, Marcus.

I would dislike that very much. Yeah.

But...

the notion of piggybacking on somebody else's phone plan

is very intriguing.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[calming ethereal music playing]

♪

- What up, Helen DeGeneres?

- How's my little puppy bird?

- You know. Uh, is Principal Durbin ready

for me to interview him for the school paper?

- Uh, ready? He is so excited.

We're gonna have to wait a second, though,

because he's in there delivering a bummer bomb.

[door opens]

- Gary, no one has signed up

for Coin Club in three years.

I had to cut something.

- One of these days, you're gonna find

a beautiful Sacagawea, and you're gonna be like,

"Where's Gary? I want to talk about it."

And I'm gonna be-- poof--ghost.

- Oh, God. I--

I hate, hate giving people bad news.

Their faces-- they look like

teddy bears in a Dumpster.

- You're the principal.

Let it rip. You can tell them

whatever you want.

- I know, but I--

Ugh. I just feel sick.

- I feel sick, too.

Though it could be because I ate

a shellacked caramel

off a old Christmas ornament last night

I can be honest with you guys.

- [clears throat]

[calming ethereal music playing]

- Gonna try to work it out.

Drop it down the pike.

♪

- So...

how are things with Seth?

- Good.

- Mm.

- Ugh. Ugh.

Mm-hmm. [all groaning]

- Mary, you want some?

- No.

- So he took you out again last night?

- Sort of.

- Uh, sort of? [laughs]

Uh, we got subs and ate them at the Laundromat.

So, yeah, I took her out.

- Oh, you're not a fan of restaurants?

- Whoa, someone's a frickin' millionaire.

- What? - I'm a substitute teacher.

So we each grabbed three on a six-inch.

- We did. - Mm-hmm.

- And you call this a date?

- Um, let's just say that the changing table

in the bathroom didn't break itself.

[laughs]

- We did... with sex.

[both laughing]

Ow! [bleep].

- Ooh. Said I was gonna get you.

Ha ha!

Catch ya later, masturbator.

- So has he met the parents?

- Ah, he needs to go.

It's just that he's subbing here,

and I can't just ghost him like I usually do.

- Yeah.

- Now, which one of you is gonna help me get rid of him?

- Oh, not us. We are done.

Every time we help you get rid of a guy,

you wind up getting back together.

- Mm-mm. You backslide.

It's an exhausting cycle to watch and judge.

- Oh, come on--

- Hey, hey, ladies, we're all basically, like,

friends and family at this point, right?

I am finding it impossible to secure a cell phone plan

under my name.

- Ah, and you want to piggyback on one of our plans.

- Ha. - Jack, I have

way too many cousins for you to doggy-style on my plan.

- Okay, well, it's piggyback, but, yeah.

- Uh, you know, Jack, my family plan is da bomb,

and I'll let you get in on it.

- Yes! - But you have to do

something for me in return.

You have to help me kick my current boyfriend to the curb.

- Okay, well, that actually sounds kind of fun.

- But that's not the hard part.

The hard part is helping me stay broken up with him,

'cause "Today Mary" is gonna want to break up

with that little scuzz,

but "Tomorrow Mary" is gonna go scuzz-blind.

- You know, this all sounds very doable. I am in.

- Okay. Very nice doing business with you.

- Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful doing business with you.

[laughter]

Yes! Nice. What?

- You have no idea the job you just signed on for.

There is nothing more powerful than the bond

between a Mary and her scuzz.

Backslide, Jack. - Backslide.

.

[thunder booming]

- Don't move! - Jeez!

God, okay... [knocking]

- Hi. - Hey.

- Um, Mr. Griffin, what are you doing in my math class?

- Whoa. It's like seeing a tiger in the wild.

- [chuckles] Uh, Seth.

Hi, I'm uh, Jack Griffin. I teach A.P. Bio.

So you're subbing here?

- Yep, yep. Anywhere that needs me.

- Ah. - Kids really dig me.

I always play the first 48 minutes of a movie.

I've seen the first half of a lot

of really good flicks. [both laugh]

- Love it, I love it, I love it.

And no shoes. Very cool. - Ah.

- So I have something very sensitive in nature

to talk to you about.

Um, gang, if you could just go ahead and move your bodies

to the back of the class, and, you know, face the wall,

"Blair Witch" style.

Heather, you want to...?

- All right, move it or lose it, D-bags.

[dramatic music]

- [sighs]

♪

- Uh, is that in, like-- is that in the second half

of "Blair Witch"?

- Hey, so, um, I'm a friend of Mary's

and, well, she's asked me to tell you it's been

a tepid ride, but, uh, it's over, okay?

All right.

- Wait, are you-- are you serious?

C-can we talk about that? - With me? No. No, no, no.

I-I'm not really up to speed on most of it.

I just, uh--you know, just the messenger here.

I just know it's over, you know?

So, uh, my work is sort of done here.

- I just--I'm gonna go talk to her, because once she--

- No, no, no. [chuckles awkwardly]

I'm handling this.

- [sniffles] - Oh.

- [whimpering]

- Oh, God.

- [crying]

- When a man cries, nothing feels safe.

- [continues crying]

- He did not take it well.

- Are you breaking it off with Seth?

- Hey! Stop snooping.

Go ahead, Jack. I'll cover.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

- All right. Uh, yeah, he just--he wouldn't accept it.

All right? He was crying, and he wants to talk.

- Damn it, Jack. Ugh. Cover me.

- Oh. ♪ La, la, la, la, la...

- You were supposed to handle this, you know,

like family, not just phone it in.

- Yeah, we can definitely still hear you back here.

- Oh, my God. Just plug each other's ears.

♪

- Look, don't worry about it. I got you, okay?

I'll come over later, and I'll help you break it off.

- Um, no, no, no. We got to do it at your place.

Otherwise I'm gonna end up hooking up with him.

- Uh, well, no, we can--what? You can't break up at my place.

- Well, do you want to be on my phone plan or not?

- Yes. Okay, fine. Fine, all right?

But we got to do it fast,

'cause Lynette's coming over later.

- Ooooh.

- Marcus, how is it that you're still hearing this?

- My fingers are too small for his ear canals.

- They're huge.

- Don't brag about that.

[upbeat synth tune playing]

- ♪ Sex is horrible

♪ And no one really likes it

So that's what I play whenever I, uh, catch a kid

with a condom.

- Mm, my readers will love this.

- Oh, and this what I play whenever I catch a student

with drugs. [clears throat]

♪ Meth gives you joy only gods can experience ♪

♪ But don't do it

- Ralph, time to break some spirits.

Coach is here. - Already?

Oh, boy. You can stay Anthony

♪

[clears throat]

[sighs] Coach, I, uh...

I have some bad news I wish I could protect you from.

- You don't got to sugarcoat it for me, Ralph.

I'm not one of your book teachers.

- All right, uh, well, um...

I don't know how, uh--

It seems that there's a, uh--

Uh, well, I'm--doesn't-- It actually is...

I'm sorry, uh...

We're gonna let

the marching band and the football team

share practice time on the football field.

- What? No way. It's not-- it's not called a band field.

- Uh, that's a good point.

You know what? I'm gonna, uh, talk to the band director.

Maybe we could, uh, find a--

- Oh, my God. Move over.

The band's gonna use the field sometimes.

This is happening to you.

Deal with it.

- Ralph, does the confident child speak

on your behest for you?

- Our talk is done. Shoo.

- Shoo? You're gonna shoo me? Shoo you.

Kids talk to me like that? Jesus Christ.

- That was amazing!

Anthony! [gasps]

I have to deliver bad news all day.

Is there any chance you'd want to sit in

on some of these sessions?

Okay, I can sweeten the deal.

I got an Amazon gift card for Christmas,

but there's not a slot on my computer for it,

so...

- Sure.

[country music playing]

♪

- [sighs] [doorbell rings]

Okay.

All right. Listen--

- Mare-bear.

Tell me that he's a liar.

Because I know that you love me.

You even said that you love how my back smells.

- No, I just said, "Your back smells."

- [groans]

- Seth, I'm looking for something else.

- But, Mary, just think of all the fun that we could have.

I just got us tickets to see Michael McDonald

in concert next month.

- I mean--I mean, if you already got the tickets, then--

- Mary, he doesn't have the tickets.

- I'm gonna get the tickets. - He's gonna get the tickets.

Yeah. - Yeah, I'm gonna get--

- He's never--no, he's never gonna get the tickets.

- I said I was gonna get-- - He will not get the tickets!

- I need to get paid, then I can buy the tickets.

- Mary, end this. You're a strong woman.

I've seen you kick a coffee table across a lobby.

[dramatic music]

- Seth, have a happy life.

- No. I'm not going anywhere...

until you take me back.

- Wait. What? Wait. Are those--

Uh, that's not good.

- Whatever. Bye. - Where you going?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

You're not--no. Oh.

♪

Oh.

♪

[car door opens, closes]

- Did she-- [engine turning over]

She left, right?

Is that her car now? - [sighs]

.

- Come on. - Closer.

Warmer. Warmer.

- Oh, stop tricking me into touching

other parts of your body.

Just tell me where the keys to the cuffs are.

- I don't know.

- All right, man. You asked for this.

[chair whirring]

[dramatic music]

You gonna tell me? - This is fine.

It's kind of like a back massage.

Oops. That step's trying to steal my jeans.

[chuckles] Oh, it got 'em.

There they go.

Yeah, that's what I'm working with.

- Oh, come on-- [doorbell rings]

[sighs, groans]

Hi. - Hello.

[both chuckle]

Oof. Okay.

Three openers-- Uh, you look great, all right?

You smell like lemons, and..

Mary's ex-boyfriend is handcuffed

to my dead mom's stair lift.

- Hey, Lynette. - Oh.

- Jack took off my pants with this antique elevator.

- No, that's--that's a lie. - Hey, Seth.

- Hey, do you happen to have my paycheck on you?

I think it should be around $38.

- You know, I don't,

and I think you broke even after taxes.

- [scoffs] Thanks, Obama.

- Wine?

- Love some. - Yeah.

- What are we thinking, though, red or white?

- [groans]

- I don't really know anything about birds.

My hobby is stuffing things-- you know, taxidermy.

And I guess I'd just rather stuff birds because--

- So are you guys like a thing?

Because you seem like you're into each other,

but you also seem like you're cousins.

Like, I guess what I'm asking

is what stuff are you guys doing?

- Mostly outercourse. - None of your business.

- "Outercourse"? [laughs]

Okay, well... [chuckles] I'll leave you guys to it.

[chair whirring]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

- A man should have a hobby.

[jaunty video game music plays]

- [chuckles]

Oh, man, these birds are just so furious.

So mad. - One second.

- I like it with the sound on.

- Do you? This is mine now.

[sighs] I mean, no phone plan is worth this.

- Hey, you know how you get rid of me, right?

You get me back with my love...

my soul mate.

♪

- Hey, look, nobody wants to see you backslide

any less than me, but...

You should know Seth is obsessed with you.

He won't stop talking about you.

- Did he say obsessed, or--

- Uh-uh. Okay, I know that look.

Michelle, let's go. - Yeah.

- I told you, Jack-- backslide.

♪

See you.

- Yeah. - Oop.

- I'll find it. Yeah.

- Look, I'm-- [scoffs] I'm telling you,

this guy wants you back so badly,

he went on a hunger strike.

- Oh, he must be out of his mind for me.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a mess. [exhales sharply]

- [sighs] You know, I'm just gonna

stay focused, and I'm not gonna think about him.

- You are gonna be fine. - Yeah.

- [laughs] All right.

- Okay. - You got this.

[cell phone clicking]

♪

[cell phone bloops] [laughs]

[cell phone chimes]

♪

- Stay strong. Stay strong.

- [sighs]

Time to hit some peeps with bad news.

- [chuckles]

[percussive music]

Joyce, we moved your parking spot to the auxiliary lot.

It's a done deal.

- You see, that's not gonna work for me.

I'm already getting up at 2:00 a.m. to take my nephew

to the ER 'cause of his croup. I says to my sister--

- Joyce. Joyce.

Joyce!

Not my business.

Mute and scoot.

♪

All of your cleaning supplies are being switched

to generic and unscented.

- "Unscented"? [laughs]

You know what humans do in bathrooms, right?

You're with me on this, right, Durbin?

- Durbin's not here.

Breathe out your mouth. [exhales sharply]

♪

[crunches]

Principal Durbin isn't concerning himself

with the casting of the school play.

You can either play "Tree in Distance" or quit.

- Great! I'll play the tree. I don't mind at all.

- Oh.

♪

- [exhales sharply]

♪

[school bell ringing] - Right, new plan--

So I'm texting Mary from her ex-boyfriend's phone.

I'm gonna trick her into getting back

with that idiot so I can get him out of my house.

Uh, do you guys have any suggestions?

- I don't get it. Aren't you Mary's friend?

- Of course. Yeah.

- Yeah, and didn't she offer to put you on her family plan

if you help her get rid of this guy?

- Yeah.

- And now you're trying to set her up

with the very same man

who you yourself called an idiot not moments ago?

- You guys--you all think I'm a bad guy?

Is that what this is?

Heather, where do you stand on this?

- I can't tell if you're doing a mission

for Ms. Wagner or against her.

I'm Team Griffin either way.

Let's get her... or help her.

- I guess you have to ask yourself

if you really care about your friend.

- See, this is why I avoid friendships.

- Yeah, that's why.

- [sighs]

Now I'm gonna have to figure out another way

to get rid of this human pork rind.

Guess I'm gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Scuzz-blind.

- Wait, what?

- [sighs]

.

[both laughing]

- I'm sorry, Mary, did you have the key the whole time?

- No. Seth was hiding it

in a place I call his "secret pouch."

- And that's not my butt.

- [groans] No. What is happening? Why?

- We're back, baby. [laughs]

All right, I'm gonna pop upstairs,

I'm gonna put my jeans back on,

and then we're gonna scoot. [laughs]

- Oh, God. - I know.

- Mary, you--you--you can't get back together with that guy.

- Jack, don't worry. You're off the hook.

We'll go get you a brand-new phone tomorrow

and sign you up on my plan.

- No, but it--it-- it just don't feel right.

- Okay, Jackie boy.

It's been a fun 24 hours,

but it's time for me to get going.

- Yeah, that's my mother's luggage.

- Oh.

Well, it's broken. Tell her that.

All right, babe.

I'm gonna go outside and warm up the car...

with my farts.

[laughing]

- Eh, diet starts tomorrow,

but tonight I'm gonna go eat this cake.

- Wait, wait. Hold on one second.

I just-- - What the fudge?

- Uh-huh, yep. Nope.

- [grunts] - No, no, no. Nope, nope.

You're not going with him. Let's go.

- Jack, I am a grown-ass woman,

and sometimes I want to make bad decisions, so let me.

- No. I'm not letting you leave until you've horned down a bit

and promise me you are done with that dude.

- Fine, then no phone plan for you.

- Fine.

But I have something to say,

and this is not gonna be one of those things where I tell you

that you are deserving of someone far better than

that human tapeworm out there because you are a catch...

and not just a Toledo catch,

but, like, a regular, good-city catch.

Instead, I'm gonna sit here with you

until you come to that conclusion on your own.

And there is absolutely no way I'm letting you go before then

because I do not have the keys to these handcuffs.

I'm just now realizing that.

[ominous music]

[knock at door, door opens]

- Hello?

Oh, uh, where's Principal Durbin?

- Take a seat.

- Okeydokey. [chuckles]

Didn't expect, uh... you to be here.

[clears throat] So, uh...

what is this meeting about?

♪

- As you can see, you gave me a B-minus

on my erosion diorama.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you keep me

out of Georgetown, so you're gonna give me an A,

or we're gonna have to let you go.

♪

- [gasps]

Oh, thank God. Anthony's trying to fire me.

- What are you doing?

- I think something bit Anthony.

Can you hear me?

- Quiet, Noodle Curls!

- You got a little too much dip on your chip, buster.

Get up, take your disrespectful butt

straight to my office!

Keep it moving!

- I'm sorry. I was trying to help Principal Durbin.

- Dave, your classes are being transferred

to the trailer.

- What?

Oh, come on.

- We're done talking. Shoo.

[exhales sharply] - [groans]

Well, thank you so much for ruining my day.

I already sat in cornbread.

[sighs] Come on.

[dramatic music]

- [laughing]

- Well, good work, Jack-In-The-Sweats.

- Yeah, nice job.

- Hey, I would do the same for either of you.

- Aw.

- Please don't break up my marriage.

Please. - I'm not--

- Now, Stef, she could use a little help.

- I don't have a problem.

I just like dating older Indian doctors.

- They're always secretly married.

- Not happily.

- And leaders of a sex cult.

- Not happily.

[school bell ringing]

- Oh, I should head to class.

- Yep, I should probably head with you.

Okeydokey.

- We can hit shop class at lunch.

- Okay. - You know?

- Yeah, let's do that. - Whoa.

- I got to say, though,

I, uh--I'm gonna miss this. - Aw.