Original subtitles

- Pfft.

[tense music]

♪

Isn't there another way, Superintendant?

- Budget cuts are an ugly reality, Principal Durbin.

Kind of like that vest you're wearing.

- Thi--well, Helen said I looked adorable.

- Oh, he does. He looks like a little penguin

that ran away from the zoo,

and then he became a little principal named Ralph.

- Eh. Too late.

I've got another school to disembowel

before first bell. Time to trim the fat, Durbin.

[ominous music]

- Helen, we're gonna need fresh fruit.

- And fresh fruit there shall be.

[tense music]

♪

- Oh, hey, Jack. Help yourself, you deserve it.

You're a good teacher and a great citizen

with an even better posture.

You know, I'm gonna go ahead and say it:

you're a hot man. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, why am I sensing a Trojan Horse situation

where you slip in some bad news under a mound of honeydew?

- Well, there better not be honeydew.

I paid for premium fruit.

Although, now that you mention it,

I do have a small announcement.

- There it is. See?

Knew it. Called it.

- The superintendent is trying to raise funds

to renovate her new executive building,

so she is proposing some budget cuts.

- These are blood bagels. - Mm-hmm.

- She said, and I quote,

"The decadence of public school must be curbed."

- Hey, there's no TP on the second floor,

so that's gonna be a "hold it" zone.

- [sighs] She is proposing cuts in school supplies,

arts events, and unfortunately,

part-time teachers.

That means you, Jack, 'cause you only teach one class.

- You guys teach more than one class?

- [scoffs]

- That sounds exhausting. - It is.

I fall asleep the minute my head hits the steering wheel.

- Yeah...

- Well, Jack, I am going to do everything

within my limited power to help you keep your job.

It'll be like a little ant

trying to push a pumpkin back home.

- Durbin, please don't work your children's book

into Jack's firing.

- Yeah, don't-- Wait, am I being fired?

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- I can't believe the superintendent's canceling

the jazz band's Pops concert.

- We were finally gonna do a jazzy salute to

"The Ladies of the '80s And Also to The Men of Then."

- We can't just let them cancel our concert.

It's all I have.

[to herself] It's all I have.

- Maybe we can make a "Save our Concert," video

to show at the school board meeting.

- Yeah, we've gotta fight for our right

to play smooth jazz.

[door opens] - All right, everybody.

Let's shut up, and shut up to completion.

My job's on the line here, guys,

and I need to figure out how to save it.

- Why do you care? You hate this place.

- It's that hot payroll lady, Lynette.

He doesn't wanna leave until he gets some of that.

[all oohing]

- He did get some of that.

We saw them kissing, full mouth-to-mouth.

[oohing]

- Okay, uh, Victor, you've taken

what was a wonderful moment

and made it sound like a pool accident.

[all oohing]

- All right, if you guys don't know how and when to "Ooh"

then just don't "ooh" at all. Okay? Now, I need to find a way

to hang onto this cushy position for another few months

while I finish this book. - Maybe you should have

made yourself more indispensible.

- Mm. Anthony, slap Marcus.

- I don't want to get up. - Let me guess.

You're gonna do some sneaky, unethical mission

to bring down Superintendent Bullard.

- Sarika, you make me feel seen.

[clicks tongue]

- Yes, the order is under DeMarcus.

That's D as in "Dexamethasone," E as in "eight,"

M as in "Mnemonic," A as in "Au Pair,"

R as in "Are we having tacos tonight?"

- Hey, hey, you guys, I've got it.

I've got the perfect plan to take down the superintendent.

All right? It starts with you jumping out

in front of her moving car. You get bashed, right?

And as you're going to the ground you pull out a razor

from under your tongue, you slash yourself in the face--

- Wait, wait, I'm sorry-- wait.

I have a razor blade in my mouth

when I get hit by a car?

- Yeah, that's right. So anyway,

as you're bleeding to death on the ground, you stand up

and you go, "You're drunk again, Bullard!"

- No, I'm not-- I'm not doing this.

It sounds like I could get seriously hurt, and...

between you and me...

I cry when I get hurt.

- Oh, pfft. That's perfect.

I mean, you're crying, you're bleeding.

Could you also pee-pee your pants?

- No, I'm not peeing my pants

for anyone ever again.

We are gonna keep our dignity on this.

At Whitlock High, we take the high road.

- Mm, but I feel like the low road is just--

it's always so much faster.

- Well, we're gonna knock her silly

with some Whitlock pride!

- Yup. But what's most important is we have found

a way for you to keep your job.

Effective immediately, you are full-time

by becoming the assistant to the principal's secretary.

- [whispers] That's me.

[wheezing laugh]

[drums]

- Oh, God...

.

[tense music]

- Mm.

- [squealing] - Good morning.

After a night of sustained pillow screaming,

I am physically here.

- Aloha! Here is your lanyard,

Helen's assistant. [laughs]

- Here we go. Oh, we're missing a T here.

- I think I know how to spell my own name, you ding-dong.

All right, we're gonna start off with my filing system.

I file each kid under their best trait.

Like Tommy Orbach, that jokester

is under H for "hilarious."

And David Epstein, he's under M for married.

- Wait, we have a student who's married?

- No, his parents were married when they had him.

Not me, I'm a bastard.

Don't tell anybody.

I tell everybody.

Joe Abel is under O 'cause I'm always like,

"Oh, Joe. Get out of here."

[rock music]

- Honk, honk, honk!

Honk, honk!

- I'm sorry, Helen. What is this?

What--what are we doing? - Oops!

I skipped the headline. - Yeah.

- These are examples of inappropriate touching

in the workplace. Honk! Honk!

Now this one--honk! It's appropriate.

It's your honker. But don't try to do this.

Honk, honk, honk, honk, and work your way down.

You know what I'm talking about.

- I don't want to interrupt the workflow.

- Oh, no. Please do interrupt, Lynette.

And please never stop interrupting.

- Nah, I'll just leave this start paperwork

and let you get back to honking, Helen. [clicks tongue]

- Don't go. Please don't go.

- Hey, you're visually honking her.

Stop it. - I wasn't--

- Now, I want you to show me

all the honkables on you.

- Oh, God.

Well, I--I suppose this would be a...

honk.

- Correct. Next.

- [groaning] - Come on.

You know.

[harmonica music]

- [sighs] It's lunch.

[sighs]

[dramatic chords] - Lunchtime!

- Helen, I'm-- - We gals in the office

like to eat together. - Mm-hmm.

- And I'm gonna tell you all about how I was wide awake

when I got my hip replacement. - [sighs]

- You know, the anesthesiologist missed a vein,

and I just didn't want to get him in trouble,

so I laid there and hushed up, but I heard it all.

I heard the scooping, I heard the hammering

and the sawing and the Jay Z songs.

- Okay, I quit. I can't do it. I quit.

- Oh, thank God, because you've been around

my honk zone a lot.

- Here's your ass lanyard.

- So I was thinking for our save the concert video,

we could be British orphans begging for jazz.

- Oh, that'd be awesome.

"Please, sir, can I have some jazz?

My ears is ever so empty."

- [clears throat]

- Yeah, or maybe something rad like

Dan pretending to be an orphan begging for jazz.

- Okay, Dan's not in jazz band.

- Yeah, and I don't really see myself

as the face of smooth jazz.

- Are you saying it's dorky?

- No, no, j-- Well, yeah, but--

but you guys can probably make it cool.

So... - So that's a no?

[door opening]

- In medieval Europe, there was a torture technique

called the Judas Cradle which involved lowering a man

by ropes onto a pyramid-shaped seat

with a sharp point that was...

inserted into his anus.

After one morning with Helen, I found myself yearning

for that sweet, sweet cradle.

Anyway, suffice it to say, I quit.

Couldn't take that anymore. So it looks like the only way

to save my job now is to take down the superintendant.

- We've actually got an amazing plan cooking

that's gonna save both jazz and your job.

- Mm-hmm. Right. My only worry is that your plan is dumb.

You know, so let me drive. All right, Grace,

Check her Instagram. Caleb, check her Carfax.

Anthony, pull up her financials.

Eduardo, give me some of that weird peanut brittle

your mom makes. I like it.

All right.

Ha ha ha hah. Great.

Give me something good, guys. What do you go?

- Sorry, her financials look good.

- Hmm. - Yeah, she's clean, Griff.

- Well...

no one is squeaky clean.

No one. [tense music]

I just need to dig deeper.

♪

[crunching]

- Doesn't he have a dead tooth?

- Yeah, but he's using the molars.

- Well, well, well. Fancy meeting you here.

- Uh, yeah. I'm just picking up some food to go.

- Well, everyone's got to eat,

even naked Mickey Mouse over here.

[all laughing]

- Oh, the gloves aren't part of it.

It's just cold outside so-- - Oh, and now he looks like

notorious bad dad Steve Jobs.

Come on turtle neck! [laughter]

- Oh, Michelle, you wanna rip on his outfit?

- Yeah, did you have something?

- Uh, come back to me. - Okay.

- Yeah, giggle it up, hens.

I'm actually going on a stakeout.

- Oooh, who you staking out?

- The superintendent. Yeah, I'm gonna find something

to blackmail her with so I can save my job.

- Shouldn't you be bringing a table onstage

in "Hello Dolly,"? - Ah, there it is.

- Like a stagehand! [laughter]

- Jack, don't you think that blackmail

is a little bit extreme? - You know, actually,

you should be thanking me, Mary, because first to go

is part-time teachers but, uh, you know what comes next?

Art. And then, Michelle,

Health isn't far behind.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey. - No.

- Yeah. - No.

No, no, no. Absolutely not.

- This is so fun!

- It's like a sleepover in a car.

Oh, my God. Hope I don't freeze

your bra, Jack. [laughter]

.

- Last time I was on a stakeout, I was waiting

for a Taco Bell to open. Did you know that

they close sometimes? I guess to mop?

- Ladies, will you just focus?

All right, somebody's coming to the door.

Look, look, look. Who is that?

Okay...

Ah, that's the basket of Whitlock stuff

from Helen and Durbin.

[tense music]

- Damn! - Ooh.

- Wow, she didn't even keep the basket.

Who doesn't need a basket, you know?

- I don't know. - Like, you know, you can

put socks in there or I don't-- all kinds of stuff

can go in a basket. I mean, friggin'...socks or--

Look, I shouldn't have to explain to you guys

what goes in baskets.

Why are you laughing? - We don't

keep our socks in baskets, Jack.

Come on, now. - Everyone just be quiet.

- Put our socks in there? - Who's this guy?

[whispering] Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

- Hey! Fresh-step. - What are you doing?

- Over here! Order for Mary?

Yeah, yeah, come on. - You're gonna blow

our cover! - What is this?

- Thank you. Ahh.

- Uh, tip?

- I'll do it in the app.

- Boo!

- Are you really that hungry that you couldn't wait?

- [laughs] Oh, Jack, this pizza is not for eating.

- [laughs]

[tense music]

- Three, two, one. all: Pizza slap!

[laughter]

- Dang, Michelle, that was an aggressive slap.

- Don't hate the player, hate the game!

- I do hate the game. It's a stupid game.

- Wh--you can't say that. You haven't even played yet.

Three, two, one. Pizza slap!

I'm not play-- [laughter]

- Really? Really?

So I'm over here trying to save my job,

and you just got pizza all over my dead mom's turtleneck.

This is too far, too far. We're done.

Give me these pizzas.

[slapping] all: Whoa!

- Double slap! - He took it to a new level!

[laughter] - Took it to a new level.

- It's cathartic. It really is cathartic.

- Oh, my God, you guys, We got the best

pizza slap pictures. Look at this one of Michelle.

- Oh, my God. Wait...

♪

What's that in the background?

- Looks like Superintendent Bullard

kissing her husband.

- Excuse me, that's not her husband.

Her husband is super short.

- Oh, my God, really? A cheating photo?

We got her.

We got her! Oh, sweet low road,

take us home. - Yeah!

[laughter]

[kids miming playing instruments]

[silence]

Victor's recorded voice: Happy birthday!

So what do you think?

Be totally honest. Dorky?

- Why does it say happy birthday at the end?

- Yeah, and who's the creepy guy with the cake?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's my dad. He's cool.

It's, like, a bug in the editing software.

It's from a birthday message I made for him.

Couldn't figure out how to delete it.

- I told you that was gonna be a problem.

- I really don't think anyone watching it is gonna be like,

"Why is there a shot of this old man's birthday at the end?"

- Vic, everyone's gonna wonder that.

- Yeah.

- What if I had an idea for a better video?

Hey, Double Decker. - Hm?

What if I told you that I had

a surefire way to make Pops cool?

- Wait, is that a vintage Orange Slice?

- Uh, yeah. Cost me 30 beans just to open it.

There's two more where this came from.

- It's beautiful. - Uh-uh-uh.

You wanna get twisted, you've gotta save jazz.

[slurping]

Ahh.

♪

- That is Superintendant Bullard kissing a man

who is not her husband. - [gasps]

- Looks like we saved the school, Ralph.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- Much more effective

than you sending her a sock basket

filled with a bunch of other crud.

- Okay, well, I am still very optimistic

that that plan is going to work.

- Oh, you mean this gift basket

that we saw her throw in the trash?

- [gasps] - Now, listen.

I am giving a verymoving speech

in front of the school board that I think is gonna

do the trick, and I'm sorry, gang,

but I gotta delete these photos.

women: No! No! - No, no, no!

Ralph! - Oh!

- All right, well, at least we still have the hard copies.

- Nope. - What are you doing?

- Trust me, Jack. - No, no, no--no!

- Hey! - Ralph!

- Durby is gonna save the day--the right way.

- [groans] Ahh.

.

- And that is yet another of the many reasons

why we cannot afford to lose any of our educators,

teachers like... Jack Griffin.

Now, Jack Griffin is a part-time teacher,

but he's a full-time genius.

Every one of his students is currently testing at 100%.

Now, moving on-- and this one's a biggie--

paper towels.

Please, please

do not make us go back

to that rotating linen thing. And by the way,

here's something you don't think about.

A kid with a runny nose uses that linen thing.

What does he do? He loops it back up

inside the container, and if you have

three separate teenagers using one of those things

within 20 minutes, that is teenaged hormone-soaked mucus

being rolled back up into the darkness

to mutate and strengthen, and that, my friends,

that is the beginning of "World War Z."

- Hey, when Durbin wraps up,

I need you guys to go up there and fill

as long as you can.

- Okay. - All right.

- Now, we're in Toledo, and this is a great city,

but we're not gonna last.

[rock music]

♪

- Oh, hey, Mr. Griffin. - Oh, hey, kids.

Lynette.

- Jack. Finally put a stop to Helen?

- Ha! Like this would be enough.

[both chuckle]

♪

Here we go.

[whispers] Yes, baby.

- Back away from the confidential trash.

- Dale, I've got an axe.

- Yeah. Let me unlock that for ya.

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Yep. Got it?

There it is. - Here you go.

Working on something fun? - Yeah, uh, well,

just gotta piece this together.

Wanna grab me some Glue Stic there, bud?

Dale. - What?

- Now! - Ohh...

- You know, without money in the budget

for extra clay, there would be no...

gift ashtrays for, uh...

that awkward Uncle who would yell when you were 12,

"Uh-oh, looks like someone's ready for a training-brar."

- Yeah. I mean, extra clay

is the glue, if you will,

that holds together Christmas, you know,

and Hanukah and Kwanza.

- Which brings us to glue, you know,

which is literally the glue, you know,

that holds itself together--

- We demand you watch our video!

- Okay. - Oh.

- Yeah.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Hey, pretty lady. So I wanna talk to you

about something very close to my heart--

this year's Pop's concert:

"A Jazzy Salute to the Ladies of the '80s

and also to the Men of Then."

Oh! Okay. An Orange Slice.

That's that sweet, tangy pop right there.

Thanks, doll. - You got it, stud.

- Let me lay this on you.

Just like this sweet, tasty, delicious pop,

Pops concerts are essential

because they keep you refreshed and smilin'.

They're cool and not dorky at all.

Ain't that right, Mama? - You know it, Daddy.

[shimmering tone]

- Hit it, suckers.

[tap tap tap tap]

[playing "Tainted Love"]

♪

[jazzy rendition of "Tainted Love" continues]

♪

Victor: Happy birthday!

- Victor! - What the hell, dude!

- Can't figure out how to get that outta there.

- I'd like to call for a ten-minute recess

before we vote.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Superintendant Bullard. Hey, 'scuse me. Hi.

I'd like you to shelve your budget proposal.

Look at this.

- So white people finally found out about Pizza Slap?

- Uh, no, look in the window there.

Uh-huh.

Find another way to fund your building,

and your husband will never see this photo

of you kissing another man.

[suspenseful chords]

- I heard you, Principal Durbin and your thoughtful words,

teachers of Whitlock and your...

strange presentation about clay,

students of Whitlock and your interesting...

soda commercial.

I have decided to rescind my budget initiative.

[uplifting music]

- Oh, yes!

♪

- Boss, we did it! - We saved the concert

and your job. You're welcome, girl.

- Yep. Good job, guys.

- You were amazing. - You're amazing.

- You're amazing. - You were amazing!

- And Jack, while you were in the bathroom with an axe,

we saved your job.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ooh! - You're welcome.

- You're welcome. [laughter]

- We got everything we wanted.

You see what happens when you take the high road?

- Ah! Yeah!

You did it, Durby, you did it.

- Okay, yeah. - Thank you, buddy.

Durby saved the day, huh? - He did! I gotta get

a little sugar. Honk! - Okay.

- Honk! - Oh. All right.

All set, all set.

[chuckles] Ah...

What strange--

Victor: Happy birthday!