Original subtitles

- Crazy news week, am I right?

Can't say I didn't see that one coming!

- Morning, Melvin.

Oh, hey, sorry I got your car towed last week.

You know, but one inch into the driveway--

rules are rules. [chuckles]

- [chuckles sarcastically]

- Your veins look weird today, buddy.

- Uh-huh.

[squish]

Oh, oh!

That must be Gerty's!

You good little dog, yes.

Thanks for picking it up for me.

- Yeah. [dog barks]

- Just reloading.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[bell ringing]

- Hey, Lynette. Hey.

[laughs] How are you?

- Can't say I didn't see that one coming.

- Oh, yeah. [both laugh]

Funny stuff. Yeah, funny stuff.

Hey, so, um, that was really fun the other night.

Uh, you want to hang out again sometime?

Maybe as a date?

- Uh...

- A pause is worrisome.

- Yeah, I just-- I don't know, Jack.

I don't think we're a good fit.

You hate Toledo, and I'm here to stay.

Only four more payments left on my grave plot, so...

- Ooh, well, that's exciting.

I'd like to see that grave plot.

Maybe--maybe with some wine and cheese?

- No, no, that's a date.

- Ah. - Perfect date.

And we can't do that, but maybe--maybe...

we could hang out as friends.

Though I do worry hanging out is a gateway drug

to harder stuff.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. A hangout, that's perfect.

Yeah, I--you know what?

I'm gonna plan an amazing hangout.

It's gonna be so great, and you're gonna laugh

that you were ever even worried, okay?

A big, wheezy, deep, guttural,

Dom DeLuise-style laugh.

- All right. See ya.

[indistinct chatter]

- Yes, I agree, Randy,

a picture is worth a thousand words.

But is it worth a thousand dollars?

No, Randy, Randy, we don't have it in the budget.

Oh, okay, joke's on you.

I would love to be screwed.

[receiver clacks]

Helen? - Huh?

- Randy, our yearbook photographer,

has decided to raise his rates.

Yearbook pictures start tomorrow.

What are we gonna do? - we're gonna have to fix it.

You know, it's a great break for the ugly kids,

but the pretty kids are gonna be mad.

[funky percussion music]

- All right, shut up. [apple thuds]

Now, I'm gonna ask you guys for something

that I feel almost certain doesn't actually exist--

fun things to do in Toledo.

It's for a potential hangout with Lynette.

- So like a date? - Excellent riddle, troll.

It is like a date, but it is not a date.

It's just a, you know, fun, friendly,

and, uh, potentially flirty-- at most--hangout.

- They do tableside pasta at Spaghetti Warehouse.

You get to see them boil it.

- All right, please no restaurants

with the word "warehouse" or "factory"

or "mill" in the name,

- You could split a pad Thai and a sparkling wine.

That's what I do with my college girlfriend.

- Mm, I wouldn't call the soft inner lining

of a Duke sweatshirt a girlfriend.

[all snickering]

- Oh, nothing gets my father's whore revved up

like a night at the dog track.

- We still calling her a whore even though they're engaged?

Yeah.

- Did you know Toledo's revitalized riverfront

is for lovers?

- Next person caught quoting

the Toledo tourism board gets an F.

Come on, guys, think.

- [scoffs] We went out one time,

and now this clown won't stop texting me.

Ugh, look at this. - Let me see.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh. Oh, you meant, like, a literal clown.

- Mm.

- Like a children's entertainer.

- [giggles] - [gasps]

You're dating Garbanzo?

- It's not dating. - Lucky duck!

Oh, he's hilarious.

Keith and I hired him for our anniversary.

- He's a cute clown, girl.

- Good morning, ladies.

Let me ask you a question.

Would you hire this photographer

to take the yearbook photos?

- Ooh! - Wow!

- Okay, well, get ready for a shock,

because this guy...

is free.

- Uh, Ralph?

- Oh, hang on.

It's me.

[all gasp] - Durbs.

- Well, it looks like we have a new yearbook photographer.

- Yes.

- Then I says to the guy, "It's an '04 Corolla, okay?

"I don't need the fancy oil.

"Besides, alls I got is $20,

so alls you're gonna get is $20."

- Hey, Lynette. - Hey.

- So our hangout, okay?

I was thinking we'd go classic. You ready for this?

All right, we start with a wine tasting

and then a prix fixe dinner,

and then I take you to the Cleveland Symphony.

- Okay, that all sounds pretty date-y.

- Yeah.

- I think we should watch a very, very unromantic movie,

like "John Wick 2."

- Mm.

Will I be lost if I haven't seen part one?

- Do you know how guns work?

- This guy says, "Look, what's the difference of $4?

I says, "What's the difference of $4?

That's a coffee. That's a candy bar."

You know what I mean?

It's like, don't make me list things that $4 will buy.

'Cause you know what? I got a million of 'em.

[mellow music]

♪

- Hey, jackwad.

[tense music]

UPS said they delivered my Garrett's popcorn yesterday.

♪

Did you touch my Garrett's?

- Maybe look in the garbage bin where you chucked

my Castelvetrano olive deliveries last week.

♪

- [growls]

- ♪ I won't dance, don't ask me ♪

♪ I won't dance, monsieur, with you ♪

♪ I know that music leads the way ♪

♪ To romance

♪ So if you hold me in your arms ♪

♪ I won't dance

♪

- Whoa.

I have never seen a hologram of "The Last Supper."

- Yeah, my mom loved that one.

She said it was the closest thing

to a video of Jesus.

- She had great taste.

I love everything in here.

- Oh, well, if you like this room,

you are gonna love the basement.

Wow, that came out so much creepier

than I thought it would.

- I would like to see your basement sometime.

- Whoa, slow down, Lynette. Slow down.

- [laughing] - All right...

- [clears throat] - Here we go.

[TV clicks on, dramatic music plays]

♪

[car alarm wailing]

♪

Just gonna pause it for a second.

[TV clicks, wailing stops]

[car alarm chirps, wailing resumes]

Would you excuse me for a minute?

I got to take care of something.

- Sure.

[wailing continues]

[car alarm chirps, wailing stops]

- Just looking at the stars,

eating some olives,

testing the old car alarm.

- Hey, Melvin, I think you dropped something, bud.

- Hey, Jack?

Are you about to throw poop

at that elderly man and his dog?

[dramatic tango music]

- Uh--

[car alarm chirps, wailing]

- [smacks lips, chuckling]

.

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I--look, I was--I wasn't gonna throw it at him.

I-I was just gonna, you know,

kind of push it into his chest.

- Look, if this guy's making your life miserable,

putting dog poop on his jacket isn't gonna solve anything.

- Revenge isn't for everybody, but it has its merits.

- Right, which is why you wait until he's asleep,

then slide it through his mail slot.

Dog poop on the carpet?

Now, that is a steam cleaning

and three days with the windows open, at least.

- [sighs] Wow, I got to tell you--

that is the hottest thing any woman's ever said to me.

- You're welcome.

[bell ringing] - Okay, Helen.

Hit me with the wind and the tunes.

- Yes.

[The J. Geils Band's "Centerfold" on stereo]

- All right, all right.

Okay, Victor, let's go on a little journey.

All right, here we go.

Yeah, okay. [camera shutter clicks]

Find your wind. Find your wind.

Find the wind.

Okay, that's--look away.

Look away and then look back!

Yeah, look away again. Look away.

Look back! Oh, nice.

Okay, now climb up on the chair and jump at me.

And a little jump.

And now ready? Okay, scream, scream!

- [screams]

- ♪ She was pure like snowflakes ♪

- This isn't working.

[music stops]

- I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry, be good.

[dramatic percussion music]

♪

- I hate this new mop.

I can't believe you threw my favorite one in the trash.

- Are we still on this, Dale?

Life's too short for me to talk about a mop this much.

- You're right.

But just a couple more things about my--

- Oh, know what I just remembered?

I actually put your mop in a magic Dumpster

because I knew you loved it so much,

and whatever you put in the magic Dumpster

comes back as something else even better.

But talking about it too much can hurt the magic.

- Okay. [chuckles]

Why didn't you say this five days ago?

[laughs] Thank you.

Now we wait.

- I got to go back to computer school.

[indistinct chatter]

- Can a--can a sulking failure sit here?

- I already told Dave he could.

[all laughing]

- I genuinely can't tell if we're friends or not.

- Oh, Dave. - [chuckles awkwardly]

- [sighs] - What's the matter, Durbs?

- Kids didn't like my pictures.

I tried to do something different.

I tried to add a little sauce,

but apparently nobody wants that.

- Oh, don't let kids determine your self-worth.

- Yeah, let us do that.

- Yeah, Ralph, sauce up our pictures.

- Yeah! - Yeah, Ralph!

Sauce us. - Yeah, all right.

Okay.

Mary, I want you to fling the paint

at the canvas, all right?

You're Jackson Pollock with a little bit of lion.

- [growls] - Fling the paint, Mary.

Fling it. Now you're all lion!

- [growls]

- You get in here, you mean old lion!

- Okay, Stef, now, you're Marie Antoinette, all right?

Let you eat cake.

Yes, yes. - Let yourself.

- There you go, yes.

Now tear into that cake with your bare hands!

- Don't mind if I do. - No, no, Helen.

No, Helen!

Become a brush.

Oh, yes.

Now--now smash that cake. Smash it.

Yes, queen!

Ooh, attack the canvas.

- Beautiful! Yes!

- Oh, I wasn't ready for that. Yes.

Oh, the lens is melted. The lens melted.

- Filthy! - [growls playfully]

- Oh, oh.

Uh, okay, let's, uh--

let's tone it down a little bit there.

Maybe a little-- maybe a little less sexy.

School's still in session, so...

- [growls, laughs] - Ooh, jeez.

- [imitates cat screeching] - Okay, come on.

- And I says, "Listen, buddy, if I walk into a restaurant

"and I order a grilled cheese

"and you bring me a steak on the side

that I didn't ask for, do I got to pay for it?"

He said, "Depends on the restaurant."

I says, "No, it doesn't.

You can't give me something I didn't ask for."

- Hey, hey.

- Hey.

- So...your little mail-slot plan worked perfectly.

I'm talking poopy footprints inside and out.

It was a mess-- beautiful stuff.

- Problem solved.

- Well-- - See, this dynamic works.

We're not dating.

We're just helping each other destroy old men.

- Well, not so fast, because Melvin struck back.

It appears he sawed a small tree down in my yard.

Very quiet sawing. It must have taken him hours.

- Wow, this guy's good. - Mm-hmm.

- You need to strike at his heart.

- Yeah, but the guy's so miserable.

I mean, what's something he actually loves?

all: Kidnap his dog.

- She gets it. [both chuckle]

.

- Damn, who's this beefcake?

Is that your dad? - That's not my dad.

Okay. All right, guys, that's enough.

Bring it in, okay? Let's review the plans.

So you Scouts are gonna distract Melvin

with your magazine-selling routine.

- Uh, technically, I'm the only one here

who's a real Scout.

- Well, this one's a dud. - Oh, yeah, he sucks.

Uh, Grace, you got that ransom note?

- Yep. - Okay, great.

Whoa, that--that really looks like real blood.

Please don't tell me whether it is or not.

- It is.

- It is? All right, well, don't tell me where it's from.

- My hamster.

- All right, moving on.

- I brought my camping stove

so we can lure our canine friend

with the aroma of meat.

Who knows? I may sneak a sniff or two myself.

- Okay, Vic. Yeah, sniff away, sniff away.

Anthony, you'll grab the dog and bring it back.

- Yes, hunty.

- All right, guys, let's, uh-- let's break this old man.

- Yeah. - [laughs]

Get to it.

[devious music]

♪

- Come on, let's go.

♪

- We're selling magazines, sir. What's your pleasure?

Politics, hunting, celebrity "goss"?

- Salesmen, huh?

- Salespersons.

- Sweetie...

I was a door-to-door salesman

before your parents were even smooching.

- That's very cool. - You don't say?

- Spoon sets was my game.

- Wow, Vic really loves that steak, doesn't he?

He looks like he's trying to inhale the whole thing.

- [laughs] - Come on, man.

Leave some sniffs for the dog.

You know what I mean? - Yeah, seriously.

- Oh, my God, here they come. - Yep.

- Oh, Anthony, come on. Would you hurry it up?

- Yeah, that guy's got one gear.

- [laughing] Seriously. - Here we go.

[inhales sharply] Now all we got to do

is wait for Melvin to call the number on the ransom note,

which goes to this burner phone.

- Yes. Give it to me. Give it to me.

- That was so fun!

- [laughs wheezily]

- [sighs] Morning, Helen.

- Good morning.

- I want to thank Mary, Stef, and Michelle for yesterday,

so could you send them each a bottle of champagne?

- Oh, I don't know how to do that.

- Yeah, me neither.

Champagne problems, am I right?

- [chuckles]

- Wait, is that what that means?

- I don't know. - Me neither.

- Anyway, I can't wait to get

my, uh, snapping finger to work, so, uh...

- Listen, Ralph, we only got through one student

and three teachers yesterday,

and if we don't get everyone else finished today,

we're gonna spend more money on that equipment and lights

than we would have if we would have hired Randy.

- [sighs] Okay.

I'll just have to shoot the rest of the students today.

- That's right. - Champagne problems.

Is that it?

- I-I don't know. - Yeah, me neither.

- No.

It's fun to wonder.

[bell ringing]

- [gravelly voice] Where you going, huh?

[normal voice] Where you going, girl?

Okay--hey, come on.

Good girl, good girl. - Hey, Jack.

[suspenseful music]

- Yeah?

♪

- Pretty sure we both know what's going on here.

That's not your dog.

And I know how you got it.

That dog is my mop.

You got it from the magic Dumpster.

- [stammers] I'm sorry.

Wow, I really thought that was going somewhere else.

Did you just say this dog is your mop?

- That I did, old friend. - Hmm.

- I'm gonna have to take that sweet little one back.

I'm gonna give her a great life.

- Okay.

- I'm gonna get my mop back, you dog thief!

[funky percussion music]

- Come on, girl. Come on, girl.

Yeah, come on, girl.

Who's a good girl? Who's a good--

All right, everyone shut up.

Everybody just go ahead and shut up.

- You still have the dog?

- Oh, yeah, Melvin hasn't called yet.

- He hasn't called yet?

- What do you get by repeating what I just said, Marcus, huh?

Who does it help? - This guy is stone cold.

He's trying to outlast us.

- You think? - I think so.

- You know what? I say we cut the cloak-and-dagger crap.

I say we go bang on his door,

and we tell him if he wants his dog back,

he's got to accept our truce.

- Or we wait until he gets a new dog

and then replace that dog with this dog

and then watch him go insane.

- [laughing] He's gonna lose his mind.

- Oh, it'd be so crazy. - That's really good.

- Yeah, yeah. [laughing]

♪

- Okay, we got 100 kids left to photograph

and 15 minutes to do it.

Let's go. - Okay.

Listen up, kiddos.

Have your smiles prepped before you go into the frame.

Think of something that makes you happy--

like puppies for me, Nana's brisket,

that chubby little kid from "Up."

Get in and get out. - Great, next.

- Uh, I was hoping to try one without my glasses.

- Too late, next. - Nope! Go, go, go.

- Uh, where should I look? - Wrong way, next.

- Come on, pretend you're on fire.

Don't milk it.

- Cheese, yo. - Already took it.

Next. - Keep moving.

- Don't stop to pose, walk sideways.

- Go, go, go. - There you go.

Perfect, nice! - Pretend there's a fire!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [imitating alarm blaring]

- All right, boom, getting it done.

Getting it done, getting it done.

Yeah!

[sighs] Oh, God.

Okay. [sighs]

- We got to take full advantage of this.

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe we can get a TV out of him.

- Got to say--this has been a really fun series of hangouts.

both: Yeah.

- Yeah, I can't believe I was worried

that it would lead to something bad.

- Yeah.

[siren wailing]

Hey, is there something happening with Melvin?

- No, why?

I mean, he died earlier,

but nothing's happened since then.

- Oh, man.

[indistinct chatter]

We won.

We won so hard, we killed an old man.

.

[indistinct chatter over police radio]

- I thought we might be a bad fit.

Then we hung out, egged each other on,

and caused an old man to die.

We are definitely a bad fit.

Excuse me?

Sorry, this might sound crazy,

but did Melvin die of a broken heart?

You know, 'cause he-- he missed his dog so much?

- "A broken heart"? What?

No, no, the old man choked on a chicken wing.

Always remember to chew your food

until it's a fine paste.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for the tip.

Go ahead and move along there, pal.

[both laugh] Did you hear that?

- Yeah! - He choked.

We didn't kill him!

- We didn't kill him! He choked!

[both laughing] - Oh...

- Sorry to interrupt your fun,

uh, but the Humane Society's on its way to pick up that dog,

since Melvin didn't leave her to anyone.

So if you could just hand it over...

- Actually, you know what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Call them off.

I know someone who'd be thrilled to take her in.

[bell ringing]

Come on, girl.

Hey, Dale, got something for you, bud.

- [sighs] I really wish people

would stop saying that to me before they pooped.

- But--what?

No, I-I'm talking about the dog, man.

Look, the dog.

I-I can tell she means a lot to you,

you know, based on some unsettling belief

in the--in the supernatural

or just a deep misunderstanding of science, you know.

But regardless, I know you'll give her

a better life than I could.

- Moppy! [laughs]

I'm so happy.

I'm gonna find a way to turn you back, girl.

I am gonna find a way to turn you back.

Yes, yes! [giggling]

[knocking on door]

- It's open. Come in.

- Hey. - Hey.

Vino. - "Expendables 3."

- Ooh!

Now, does it matter that I haven't seen the first two?

- You remember how the guns work?

- Yep. - You'll be good.

- Okay.

- Oh, and this was sitting on your steps.

- Oh.

It's from--it's from Melvin's estate.

"Jack Griffin, if you're reading this, I've passed.

"Here's the key your mother gave me

"to water her plants.

"I'd like to thank you for the tete-à-tete we've had.

"It's made me feel more alive." [chuckles]

"And you should know each day when you went to work,

"I let myself in and--

and put my bare butt on your throw pillows."

Signed, Melvin Grask.

Well, what do you know?

We were able to add meaning to the man's life.

- To Melvin. - Yeah.

To Melvin.

Hmm.

[slurps] Ahh.

[lighthearted music]

I've taken a lot of naps on those pillows.

- Have you?

- I'd like to throw them in the trash now.

- Can we burn them? - Yeah.

- Got a little more magic left in you, Mr. Dumpster?

I wish for a son.

Thank you.

Come on, Moppy, let's go.

Yeah.

[mystical music]

♪