Original subtitles

.

all: 17!

18!

19!

- Sarika, he's gonna break the record!

- Okie dokie, everybody.

Sit down and start to shut up.

[kids groaning]

Uh--oh, hey.

Kudos for you guys acting like normal teens.

Normally when I walk in here

it's like a freaking creep show.

[thud]

I just found out today that

I have a mailbox here at this school.

Who knew?

- My family's mailbox

is a tiny replica of our actual house.

I like to imagine a tiny Victor lives in there

and that my house is a mailbox for an even bigger Victor.

- Good to know, Vic.

- All right, Sarika, I need you to separate out

all the mail order catalogues, okay?

The junk mail's great research for my book.

I want to examine why people find happiness

through the consumption of ridiculous products.

So, uh, who here has parents that have bought things

off of an infomercial?

- My mom swears by the Ped-Scraper.

It's like this potato peeler for the dead skin on your feet.

It reveals her glowing, sexy foot

without the price of a spa.

- Hmm, guys, I can't be the only one who cuts him off.

All right, now who else has something?

- Hey, yo, Jackie. Jackie.

Yeah, man. Over here, man.

Check this out. You ready for this?

- I am. - So, yo, you ready?

- Yes.

- If I told you that you can cook an egg inside your pocket

while you're in the gym, would you buy it?

- Is that real?

- These are the A.P. Bio practice exams!

- Yeah, well, Sarika, you don't really need

to practice for something you're never going to do.

[pensive music]

[rip]

♪

All right, who else here has a house filled with,

like, infomercial crap?

Marissa! You seem like you probably got

a couple of hoarders in your household.

- Pappy loves treasure. - I bet.

- You will hand over the practice tests right now

or I'm gonna show everyone these.

- What are those?

[suspenseful music]

♪

This is pictures of me and Lynette.

[chuckles] Wow, these are-- these are great.

Sarika, did you take these?

That's very creepy of you, but these are really good shots.

Can I keep these? - Yes.

- And just so you know, I'm a grown-up ass man

and I don't get embarrassed when I like someone.

- Same here. I like Grace.

No, I--I'm embarrassed.

That was embarrassing.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- [laughing]

- Mr. Jack Griffin.

- You, sir, are suspected of murder.

- Mur--is this about Tampa?

I can't--I--I--I-- I'm tired of explaining this.

Look, if you call it a dolphin ride,

I'm gonna mount it. All right, they didn't tell me

that you're supposed to just ride on its tail.

How the hell was I supposed to know?

- I was just reminding you about

my murder mystery party tonight.

- Oh, God. Oh yeah, got it.

Yeah. No, thanks. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Hey, man, congrats on the party invite.

I bet it never gets old.

- Yeah, respect.

- Yes, respect.

Socializing is important. - Okay, thanks, guys.

I appreciate the respect. Yuyao, thank you,

but needless to say, I won't be attending.

Look, I'm gonna tell you guys something that's not really

going to register for probably ten-plus years

but alone on your couch is the ultimate Friday night.

[school bell rings]

♪

- We need those practice tests.

If we don't get them, we'll be forced to study

with online knockoffs.

We need to sneak in tonight and take them.

- Oh... - Sorry, Sarika.

We already have a plan to meet up for hot dogs at Target.

Grace is working.

- VIP treatment.

Trust us, it's fun. - It's really fun.

- Fun is not important. - Wrong.

- Do you wanna nail the A.P. Bio exam

and go to college or not?

- Uh, college is going to be pretty sick.

Eating ramen and snatching V-cards.

We're in.

- Meet back here at dark.

- What--what time is dark?

- 8:00.

What time does "Room Raiders" come on?

- It's--it's early. - It's, like, 7:30.

[all giggling]

- Last year the murderer kept putting

the kill stickers on our butts!

- Buttholes! Okay, I'm telling you, she aimed.

- [chuckles]

- I would not miss this party for anything.

Unless my mom wakes up.

Oh, and I just love the theme this year.

- I know! Murder at Whitlock High

Instead of playing, like, butlers and aging starlets,

we get to play each other!

- Ooh, are you going to Michelle's

murder mystery party, Jackie Chan?

- Ah, I can't unfortunately.

I've got firm plans to sort through my junk mail.

- Jack, you've got to go!

I--I can pick you up in any car you want.

I have a trick that I use at Enterprise.

You ask for a 15 passenger van.

They never have one

and then you drive off in whatever sweet ride you choose.

[all cheering]

- I can't wait to play one of you guys this year.

- Oh, you guys talking murder party?

- Yup. Uh, you're still coming, right?

- Of course. I'm the reigning champ.

Last year, I solved the mystery in 47 minutes.

Broke Durbin's record and he is a brilliant detective.

[all chuckling]

- Hey, well, my ex-wife always called me Sherlock.

Like when I would ask her, "Hey, are you cheating on me?"

And she would go, "What do you think, Sherlock?"

And I also solved the mystery

of my neighbor's missing penis.

Turns out, it was inside my wife.

Oh!

[laughing]

Feels good to laugh. - [chuckles awkwardly]

- Yeah, so it took you 47 minutes

to solve a silly parlor game?

- Oh, you think you can do it faster?

- Oh, I know I can.

- Game on. - Okay.

- [chuckles] - Ooh-la-la.

- Looks like someone is trying to impress someone.

- Yeah, well, if that first someone is me

and that second someone is Lynette

then someone is correct.

- Ooh! - [chuckles]

I was gesturing to you. You're that other someone.

[school bell ringing] - Damn it, Jack.

You used up the rest of our break time for that nonsense?

- Right. - And that someone is you.

- Boo! - Come on.

.

[mysterious music]

♪

- I can't believe they had one!

- [groans]

- [clears throat]

Welcome to hell.

[synthesized dramatic music]

If you find a sticker on you,

you've been murdered.

♪

- Hmm.

- Keith will be providing the ambiance.

[synthetic thunder roaring]

I really do love you so much.

- I love you. I'm--I'm also in love with you.

I remain in love with you. - You stay perfect.

- Thanks for coming everyone and welcome to hell.

[woman screaming]

- You're all to remain in character as each other.

The game ends when someone catches the murderer

in the act or the murderer kills us all.

Winner gets this trophy.

- Ooh! - Sweet.

- Yes, queen. Yes!

- Wow, you know what? I see you, Coach.

[chuckles] I see you.

- We begin with--

[gasps] A murder!

♪

- It's you, Dave. - No, it's not!

- If you would lay down,

you're our kickoff murder victim this year!

- I was the first victim last year!

I drove all the way from Morenci for this.

- We know, Dave. - Down.

- I mean, I just loaded up.

I--I, you know, I haven't taken a bite yet.

- Down. - We know. We know.

- Dave, come on. - Really.

You all want that? all: Yes!

- Well, keep your eyes open. - It just doesn't seem fair.

I mean, two years in a row.

Uh, but--what would you do if it was--

it's just not right!

- Down, David. - I don't wanna do it.

I'm laying down because I respect the rules of the game.

I live in Morenci. Ugh!

- And I believe you all have your assignments.

Let the games begin!

♪

- Clock's ticking.

- Um, oh, J'accuse!

[laughing] J'accuse. Yeah, Michelle?

Your music-y husband there with the too-much-equipment.

Yup, I see him touching Mary's elbow there.

Why don't you check your elbow? I bet you'll find a sticker.

- Oh, I--I just wanted to feel the fabric.

I'm kind of a textile head.

- Wait, you're Helen?

I'm Helen!

- Maybe that's a clue!

Or maybe it's a--

[spooky] Mistake!

[mischievous music]

♪

- [quietly] Okay.

- Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

♪

- Whoa, the faculty lounge.

This is where the teachers talk about what pills they use.

- Wait. - Come on, Sarika.

- No. No, you guys.

[sighs]

[mellow music playing]

- [gasps] The murderer has struck again!

- Uh-oh!

- Oh, ooh.

- Oh, he snuck a drink in there, didn't he?

[all chuckling] - [groans dramatically]

- Who amongst us shall be next?

- Oh, I--I hope it's not me.

I live in Morenci.

[all laughing]

- He's--he's still doing Dave. - That's good.

That was really good. - Get him, Durb!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who's--who's over there near Fred?

Helen, you were over there.

You're the murderer.

- I mean, you seem nervous.

- No, I'm not--I'm not-- I'm not--

- Which, you know, makes sense because you are 25 minutes in

and it looks like that record is slipping away.

You only have two accusations left.

- Look, it doesn't matter because I'm gonna--

I'm gonna-- - Tick tock, tick tock.

- Well, that's fine because I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna go ahead and end this right now.

Michelle, I have an accusation to make.

I accuse Helen of murder! J'accuse, j'accuse!

- What?

- Okay, thanks. Remember, you're playing coach.

He doesn't know French.

- I know enough.

♪

- Tell me the truth, Mary. Did you put the sticker on him?

- Hey, no Mary here.

Fake Mary's over there, laying down,

wear a pair of boner-killing khakis

that no woman would ever wear.

- That is not true!

I borrowed these from my wife!

- "I borrowed these from my wife!"

[all laughing] - Get him, Durb!

- What's your favorite type of brown coffee?

- Folgers. - Me too.

- There's a lot of half-eaten salads in here.

I'm just gonna take a Cobb.

My parents paid for it with their tax dollars.

- Guys. [both exclaim]

- Stop goofing around.

I got the key.

Let's get these tests.

- Hi, Helen. I'm Jack, I'm an Ivy Leaguer

and I'm not the murder because I'm too busy stomping around

and grumping around and, uh, shopping for sweaters.

- [chuckles] Yes!

And howdy, I'm Helen and I'm not the murderer

because I'm too busy buying sweatshirts.

[cackling]

- Wow.

You bitch.

[upbeat party music playing]

♪

- Did you just touch my back? Did you put a sticker on me?

Dude. - Hey, hey Jack.

- What are you doing? - Whoa!

Have you solved it yet?

'Cause your time is nearly up.

- Yeah, you know what? I think I got it.

I'm gonna make a-- I'm gonna j'accuse.

Check this out. - All right.

- A food drive? both: Yeah.

- Hey, ladies. - Oh, Jack. Hi.

- Hi. - Hi!

- Yeah, save it, lady.

I saw you over by the snack table earlier.

Yeah, where Ms. Malinowski got stickered?

- [chuckles] Oh, no!

- Oh, I'm onto you, you sneaky son of a bitch.

[chuckles] - Excuse me?

- Uh, yeah, if I reach into your pocket right now,

what am I gonna find? I think I'm gonna--

well, I think I'm just gonna find a--

Ow! Why do you have forks in your pocket?

- Okay, Jack, Jack, take it easy.

- Oh, go easy. Let's go-- everybody go easy.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm trying to play the game.

Isn't that why we're here? To play the game?

All right, you--you know what? You guys are just jealous

'cause I'm gonna break the record.

That's--that's what it is. 'Cause I'm--I'm a winner.

Yeah, I'm the smartest guy here!

[chuckles] And I'm going to be at home eating that cookie cake

while you guys are in your beds

pulling stickers out of your buttholes!

both: Hmm?

You know what? I--you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go to the kitchen.

Mavis, we're gonna need those forks back, okay?

- Hmm?

[forks clinking]

[upbeat music]

- I don't know if she heard me or not.

.

- [chuckles]

[snap] - Oh, God.

That was an awesome meltdown.

- Well, you sure seem like you enjoyed it.

- "I'm the smartest one here"? I mean, that was spectacular.

- Mm-hmm. By the way,

why are you carrying that folder around?

- Durbin always has a folder.

- No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does.

- J'accuse. - What?

- J'accuse! Let me see this thing.

What's in here?

Oh-ho-ho! You're the killer!

Ho-ho! I win. I win, what time is it?

Did I-- did I break the record?

- There's just one problem. - What?

- You died ten seconds ago.

[chuckles]

- What did you--oh, when you came in.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Yeah, oh, damn it.

- You know, if we form an alliance,

I think I can win and end this game in record time.

- What's in it for me?

- 10,000 cookie cake calories.

- Mmm, I love cookie cakes. I'm in.

- Dial that coach thing up to, like, an 11.

- [Southern accent] I can handle that.

- [chuckling] That's good. Let's go kill our friends.

[Joan Jett & The Blackhearts' "I Love Rock 'N Roll" plays]

♪

- Strong enough for a man, strong enough for a woman.

Who gives a rip? It's all deodorant.

[gunshot, knife clangs] - So good.

- [laughs] - I liked it.

- I thought I was talking to coach.

- Now a mesh short, that'll let 'em breathe,

but spandex will save you from the chafe.

- Bingo, but you still got a talc.

- Oh, ya got a talc.

- Yeah! [knife clangs]

- Any dope with a dingus can be a father,

but it takes a real man to be a dad.

Get on in here champ!

Huh? Give us a hug?

[gunshots]

- ♪ I love rock and roll

♪ So come and take the time and dance with me ♪

- Oh, heck.

How does a Harvard man die?

Uh...

Oh, treachery!

Oh, sweet dagger!

Horatio, I'm dying.

Oh, my kingdom for a horse!

Ooh, ooh.

[funeral dirge playing]

Ow, I'm Jack!

- That is-- that's how you would die.

[chuckling] Leg work, okay.

- Oh, no! Your butt got murdered again!

- Oh, no, wait. Let me see yours.

Let me see.

Oh, it got you too! - [groans]

- Oh, girl, let's go die at a wine table.

- Come on. - Man!

- Oh, hell. I'm out. - Me too.

- [grunting]

[dramatic synthesized music]

[suspenseful music]

♪

all: Whoa!

- Not too fast, not too fast!

[all cheering]

- You guys, I did it! I got the tests from Mr. Griffin's desk!

- We just found the janitors' mops and we're gonna joust.

- We are not supposed to be having fun.

There's no question on the Harvard application

about how much fun I had in high school.

[sighs] Look.

I know I'm a lot.

I know nobody likes me.

- We like you Sarika. Right, guys?

- Yeah, you're fun. - You're hardcore.

- You're my best friend.

- Oh.

Thank you.

- So what do you say?

[imitates lances swishing]

[upbeat rock music]

- I guess I could do one joust.

[all cheering]

Just so we can get out of here.

- Aim for the soft meat! - Shut up.

♪

- Three, two, one.

♪

- [yelling, chuckling] Oh, my God!

- That was amazing.

That was amazing. - That was good.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you not gonna tell them that you're the murderer?

- No, I think I want it to be a mystery forever.

Kind of like a Zodiac Killer type of thing.

- Ooh!

hey, so, I don't know if you noticed,

but I grabbed your trophy on the way out.

It's a delicious looking cookie cake.

Are you just gonna eat it by yourself or...?

I mean, technically, half this thing's mine,

so if you wanted to go somewhere and split it.

- You know what I've always wanted to do?

To kick a field goal.

- Right now? - What, you busy?

- No.

[sneaky music]

.

- [announcer voice] And here's the kick!

- Going, going, it's gone!

- It's good! [chuckling]

Oh!

You know, it's true what they say.

I am great at football.

- Yes, you are.

- Okay, who wants to go next?

Heather, You want some of this?

- Bitch, I was born to joust you.

- Oh! [chuckles]

- Hey, can you guys let me know

if you find, like, a little screw?

- Let's do it! - Three, two, one, roll!

- [yelling]

- Anthony, watch out!

- [exclaims] [thudding]

[all chuckling]

- Hey, what are you kids doing in here?

- Run!

[all kids yelling]

- Really? Come back! - Go, go! Aah!

- Stop! Stop right there!

Stop!

- [screams] - Go, go, go!

- Sarika, the tests! - Oh, no.

You know what? Leave them.

Go, go, go! Oh, my God!

This is so much fun!

- Seriously, can I tell you something that

might be hard to hear?

- Oh, absolutely. I can't wait to hear this.

- [clears throat]

You impression of Coach sucked.

- Oh, no, - It was bad.

- No, my Coach was excellent.

- I, on the other hand... - Mm-hmm.

- I did a perfect Durbin.

- Yeah, it was pretty good.

- In fact, I'm still doing Durbin.

Everything I've said tonight. Durbin.

- Really. - Mm-hmm.

- Ev--everything you're saying and doing right now,

that's not you, that's you doing Durbin?

- Every single thing.

- How about now?

- Yeah. - Really, still Durbin?

- Still Durbin.

- Still Durbin? - Still Durbin.

- How about right now? - Yep.

[soft music]

♪

- You need to sign your permission slips!

- Oh, Ralph.

[both chuckling]

♪

[all yelling]

- Whoa, guys, guys! Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Is that Mr. Griffin?

- Yeah. That's that payroll lady he lies.

- Aww. - Get some!

[footsteps approaching rapidly]

- Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let's go!

[mischievous music]

♪

- Everyone's having fun but me.

- So what do you think?

You'll sign with the Chargers, Patriots?

- Ooh. - Me?

I'm probably heading to Green Bay.

- Yeah, you know what? I-- I think I'd think I'd sign

with any of them to get out of Toledo.

- You don't like living in Toledo?

- God, no. No. [scoffs]

Can't wait to get out of here.

I'm thinking probably Tokyo, maybe Berlin.

You know, London if a lot goes wrong.

- Okay, well, I'm here to stay.

- [chuckles]

Oh. Come on, really?

- Yeah.

I love Toledo.

- Okay.

Well, I...

don't like it.

[scoffs] Yeah.

- [clears throat]

all: Bye! - Drive safe!

- Great party, guys. - Okay, that's the last one.

[Mayer Hawthorne's "Just Ain't Gonna Work Out" plays]

- ♪ Don't wanna see your tears ♪

- Yeah, I have been waiting for this all night.

- Then get off those jeans.

- My sweater is tucked all the way into my underwear.

- You got something for me?

You wanna see that? - Oh, yeah, I do.

- How about this one? - The other one too.

- Who's the Devil? - You're the Devil.

- You're the Devil tonight. I'm more the--

- Um, guys, I'm still here.

- Oh, my God! - Dave, get out!

- Right. - Get out of here!

- Get out! Go! - Yeah, I'm leaving.

- He saw my shoulder, Keith.

- He saw--you saw my baby's shoulder.

- Go! Idiot! - I'm leaving!

- Oh, God. I don't feel like it now.

- [scoffs] Dave! - I'm gonna...