Original subtitles

.

[laidback music]

- What's a more romantic anniversary getaway,

an Alaskan cruise or a vampire tour of Arizona?

- Duh, a cruise. Cruises are so sexy.

- Like on the "Titanic."

But careful, Michelle, or you might fall in love with

a scoundrel who lives below deck.

- Ooh, and he'll wind up dead

while you're floating on a door.

- Mmm.

- Yeah, I'ma do the vampire tour.

- I had a roommate that I thought was a vampire,

but he was just British.

And then ever since then I've just roomed with

fat, tan Americans.

- Ooh, look at the focus.

- Ooh, something is definitely up.

- [chuckles]

Ah, well, nothing, uh, it's just, uh,

it seems that "The Blade's" Peach Weekender has named me

one of "Toledo's Top 100 Bachelors."

- Hmm.

- It's actually kind of embarrassing.

- Ladies are gonna be ripping those sweatpants right off.

- Yeah, that drawstring doesn't stand a chance.

- They're gonna tear your pants off in public.

- [giggling]

- Oh, what's the word, Durb?

- Color me surprised, but guess which

recently divorced high school principal with

a slight case of psoriasis was just named one of

Toledo's top 100 bachelors?

[cheering and applause]

- Thank you. I mean...

- Good for you.

- Move.

- Okay, guys--guys, that's very sweet.

You don't need to make a big fuss out of it, though.

- Yes, there is.

- Oh, glorious day, Whitlock.

Your beloved Principal has just been named

one of the top 100 bachelors of Toledo.

So, ladies of age, pull up your bloomers

and get in line!

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- ♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- This is so cool.

I mean, who woulda thought little Ralphie Durbin

from the old neighborhood being a top Toledo bachelor?

- Ralph, take it easy, man. It's not that big of a deal.

- Well, maybe not for you, but I've never been on a list.

Well, I was--I was on a sex offender list one time,

but that was a typo.

Guy's name was Ralph Durbine.

Big time jerky guy, apparently.

- Huh.

- I'm just so happy you and I are on the same list.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now I just gotta worry about what to do with my face.

I hate the way my face looks in photographs.

- What? No.

Your face is awesome, Durbs.

- Yeah, give us some over the shoulder brooding look.

You know, like, make it pouty. - Okay.

- Yes. - Yes, Durb, shr-exy.

- Okay, God, this is all so much fun already.

You what the most exciting part is?

After the magazine comes out, there's a big party

for all the bachelors.

And from what I understand it is a very swanky affair.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

- Jack, you and I are gonna be sipping martinis

at the top of the Courtyard Marriott.

- Huh.

Yeah, I guess it could be good for my book on

working class Toledo to experience

their version of a gala.

You ladies think I look good in sweatpants,

wait till you see me in a suit.

[laughs] - Oh.

- All right, I'm gonna go to class.

- Oh, we should do matching pocket squares.

- I probably won't.

[bell rings]

[sucking noises]

- [moans]

Feel like I'm no better at kissing

than I was 20 minutes ago.

- I know.

It's way too predictable.

- What if we practice on each other's hands?

Then it's like we're actually practicing on another person

because we are practicing on another person.

- I'm not so sure.

- Don't worry. It's her first time too.

- I think we're ready for actual live girls.

- There is a gesture I've been wanting to make,

but my love...is forbidden.

- Okay, let's do it.

- I was going for a fist bump,

but I guess you two are well past that.

- [chuckles awkwardly]

[percussive music]

- Whoops, forgive me for interrupting.

I am Sarah Nesbitt, editor of the top 100 list.

- Oh, the top--yeah.

Uh-oh. [laughs]

All right, guys, pencils down.

Um, we're gonna cool it with the biology

for a second there.

Boy, oh, boy.

I guess I should mention the no-brainer of the week.

I was, uh, named one of Toledo's top 100 bachelors.

[laughs]

- Duh. - Ew.

- One hundred?

- Yeah.

- Actually, I'm here to get a quote

for Ralph Durbin's profile, since you're his...

"Best friend and former roommate."

- [laughs]

All right, well, there's a startling amount of

hyperbole there, but, uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, go ahead and write that, uh, he is a good guy

with a--with a kind heart.

And he, uh....

Well, he...

Oh, you know what?

He's not that sex offender with the very similar name.

He's not him.

- Uh, okay.

[clears throat] Well, thank you.

- Absolutely. Oh, whoa--before you go...

Um, you know, as you're gathering quotes

for my profile, I prefer that you get 'em

from my Harvard colleagues.

- Oh, we only do profiles on the bachelors

who made the top ten.

- Oh, oh, ope. I'm sorry?

- If you're not in the top ten, you don't get a profile.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not one of the top ten bachelors?

In Toledo...

Ohio?

- Yes.

- What? - Ouch.

[percussive music]

.

- Wait a second.

If you're not gathering quotes for my profile,

then what is the magazine gonna say about me?

- Oh, we just pull a blurb from your submission packet.

- What submission packet?

- Where you were described as a...

"Lovable grumpus" and the "cutie with a booty."

- Now see, I actually agree with "lovable grumpus."

- Thank you, Dan.

All right, those are the ramblings

of a mental patient.

And I know exactly who wrote them.

- You can divorce him later.

Oh, shh.

Marry him, he sounds fun.

There's the cutie with the booty.

- [chuckles]

Helen, I need to know everything you wrote about me

in that bachelor submission.

- Oh, I was very flattering. - Yeah?

- I said you were a smarty-pants

and you wear really cute pajamas to work

and you live in your dead mom's apartment.

- Okay, so, nothing--nothing about me going to Harvard

or that I was a National Merit Scholar?

[groans] Yeah.

- Cheez Whiz.

- You know what?

I probably shouldn't even sweat not being in the top ten.

I mean, you know, we strive for these awards

that will never bring us true happiness.

- Oh, I can't argue with that.

I mean, being crowned

"The Longest Baby Born in Toledo"

has caused me nothing but grief.

- Yeah, I bet.

- The press can be so mean.

"At this rate, she'll be 11 feet tall.

Finally, an 11-foot tall woman."

And then there's hell to pay when you end up normal-sized.

I didn't purposely end up short and squat.

I would have loved to be 11 feet tall.

[bright music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yeah, so, Mom, I'm number eight out of 100.

Yeah, I'm gonna be in the newspaper.

[indistinct chatter]

- [grunts]

Well, how much--how much did they drain out of it?

Okay.

I hear "Judge Judy" coming on behind you.

I know you're gonna hang up. I'll call you later.

I'll call you later, bye.

[exhales deeply]

[percussive music]

♪

- Watch and learn.

[indistinct chatter]

If you're texting me, you don't need to.

I'm right here.

- I'm firing my piano teacher.

- You know, I always found the idea of dating childish.

- Oh, no.

- But as we grow older, our feelings change.

I look at you and I don't see the girl

I went to elementary school with anymore.

Now I see a woman.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been changing too.

- Uh, Eduardo, uh...

- Shh...let me finish.

In conclusion, would you go out with me?

- No.

- Thank you.

- Well, never thought a high school secretary

in Toledo could be my demise, but...

[laughing]

Oh, Helen's folksy cunning has pushed me to the brink.

Yeah, she wrote my submission,

which is why I'm not in the top ten.

- We gotta fix this.

We should resubmit your-- - I wanna resubmit my packet--

Jesus, Heather, we are lined up.

Once they read the new packet they'll have no choice

but to put me in the top ten where I rightfully belong.

- Aren't you at all embarrassed to be groveling for

a spot on a Toledo single's list?

- Marcus, face down.

All right, let's get to work on this blurb.

- Uh, maybe use this.

"Once in a generation there's a revolutionary leader.

"A Che, a Mahatma, a Malcolm.

"Jack Griffin is the Guevara, the Gandhi,

the Gladwell of Toledo."

- Heather...

When I die, you're getting it all.

Say it again.

Sarika, you wanna write this down?

- "Once in a generation..." - Sarika, write it down.

- "Once in a generation..."

- Sarika, you're not writing it down.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you ready?

[percussive music]

- Hello, ladies.

- Shouldn't you be in class? - I have a hall pass.

- Okay, see and this is very wet.

- May we have the room?

- "We" who?

- You and me, "we."

- Uh, you can have this 5X5 space,

but we will remain in the room for legal reasons.

- Ms. Duncan, if you were a garden, I would tend you.

- Okay.

- If you were a bird, I would watch you soar.

- Oh, that's nice.

- If you were a video game, I would sneak downstairs

in the middle of the night to play you on mute.

- I don't--I don't like that.

- I want you to have this.

- Oh, well, see, you are very sweet,

but I can't accept the Quinn Satchel in Oxblood

with the side-slit pockets.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm late for French.

- Hi.

- Give that bag back to that sweaty little boy.

- Why? - This is a slippery slope.

- Because he's sweaty? - Ooh.

- Slippin'.

- Thank you so much.

- Hey, hey there. So glad I caught you.

Uh, this document here is gonna tell you everything

you really need to know about me, yeah.

SAT scores, Harvard, my various endowments.

Didn't mean to wink. That made it skeevy.

Uh, at an rate, I think once you peruse this document here,

you will see that I am top ten material.

- This isn't necessary. - No, please.

- Okay, uh, we did our research already

and found that you are solidly number...

- Okay.

[tense music]

Ah, still flipping?

No.

- 86. - 86th?

How can I be 86th on your list? That's crazy.

- Hey, Jack. Is everything okay?

- Oh, hey--hey, Lynette. Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, very okay.

- What list are you 86th on?

- Top 100 Eligible Bachelors--

- Golf--golfers, best golfers of all time.

- That's very impressive.

- It's--it's not bad.

- Okay. Excuse me.

- Don't take the numbers too-- - Can we just...wait a second?

[sighs]

Not yet.

- What exactly are we waiting for?

- No--nothing, we're just waiting.

86th, are you kidding me?

- Don't take the numbers too seriously.

Just being on the list is an honor.

Congrats.

- Okay, being 86th on your stupid list

is not an honor.

[groans] Great.

That's great.

.

- Are they insane? You're Jack Griffin.

You're Harvard Jack.

You're the big enchilada. You should be in the top ten.

- I mean, come on.

How did they come up with this crazy list?

- Oh, they focus on dumb stuff, like, how I'm always

involved in the community and how I own a home

and I'm always giving money to charity and--

- How you run the top public school in the district,

how you give blood till you pass out,

how you put on those little short-shorts for the car wash

just so we can raise a lot of money

for the women's shelter.

The ladies were going crazy for him.

- How are my accomplishments ever gonna be rewarded,

given those insane parameters?

- See, this is wrong. Damn it, this is wrong.

- It's wrong. - We gotta fight.

You know, the mayor owes me a favor.

Maybe it's time I called it in.

- Yeah, or we could just go talk to Sarah.

I mean, I do think a word from a top ten

would go very far.

- Yeah, oh, well, she'll be at the group photoshoot

later this afternoon.

- Perfect.

- You and I are gonna be toasting martinis

as fellow top tenners in no time.

- That's the plan.

Hey, why does the mayor owe you a favor?

- Oh, well...

Let's just say that his, uh, daughter

did not go to her senior prom alone.

[whistling]

My nephew took her.

- Oh--oh.

[bell rings]

- If you're texting me, you don't need to.

I'm right here.

- What are you talking about?

- You know, I always found the idea of dating childish.

- Oh, I heard about this.

- But as we grow older, our feelings change.

I look at you and I don't see the girl

I went to elementary school with anymore.

Now, I see a woman.

- That's really sweet, but let me cut you off.

- No, please allow me to cut you off.

Would you go out with me?

- Not if we were the last two people on a desert island.

- Thank you.

[bell rings]

- As an adult, starting swimming is scary.

- Oh, no, I know you didn't keep that bag.

- Girl, I am trying to teach the future generation of men

how to treat a lady.

- He's gonna expect something.

Like, an A. - More like that A.

- More like that ass.

[jazzy music]

- Girl. But it makes me feel so classy.

- What can I get you?

- Oh, no shot for me.

Today I think I'll try a Pinot Grigio.

- Huh, thought you'd order something like that.

- See? It's classy.

- Okay, think about this:

Victor gives you a bag and then you feel obliged to

hang out with him after school one day.

And then poof, it's ten years later.

You're married to Victor living in a two-room condo

with an in-unit washer-dryer, explaining what 9/11 was like.

- Well, do I get a parking space?

- Stefanie. - W--what?

I mean, he's very thoughtful.

- And very 16.

- Fine, fine, I will give the bag back.

♪

[whispering] You guys are being jealous.

Jealous.

- That's perfect.

Oh, good, Ralph, you're here.

Grab a hard hat and vest off the table

and go lay next to the rubble.

- Listen, let's just pause the photographs

for just a second.

We need to have a serious discussion

about my friend's placement on this list.

And are those hard hats adjustable?

- Listen, I know you weren't swayed by my new submission

despite the fact that I'm clearly more qualified--

- I already told you we don't need you for this shoot.

The list has been decided.

- Oh, okay, okay, okay.

But if you won't take it from me, I get it.

Perhaps you'll take it from your very own number eight.

Ralph, take it away.

- Yeah, uh, Jack Griffin is the finest man I've ever known.

- Wow.

- The fact that he's even a bachelor is a crime.

- Now am I twisting his arm? This is all him.

- He should not be in your top ten.

He should be in your top one.

Unless that--is that your number one guy?

Because he deserves it. - Yeah.

- That's your number one right there.

- There's your number one. - Oh, my God, he is handsome.

- Look at that guy.

Slot me in at number two, 'cause he's very fit.

- He's fit.

- I'm sorry, I have no time for this.

- You know what, um, I think I can slide in right over here.

I'll sit next to this gentleman here

or if you wouldn't mind hopping up.

That's great. I don't even need a jacket.

And you know what?

It could be a top 11, no one's counting.

- Mr. Griffin, you're making me question

whether you should be on this list at all.

- Ooh, you gonna take that lying down, number eight?

- Absolutely not.

Now listen, either we are both in the top ten,

or we're both out.

- Have it your way.

- All right, great.

- You're both off the list.

- Uh...okay.

Well... [chuckles]

Here, can you grab that for me there, beefcake?

Um, you know what, pal? We are so much better off.

I'm telling you, this top ten is whack.

- [laughs] - It's whack.

- Yeah.

- There were two craft brewers on that list.

- Oh.

- Two of these guys, they craft beer.

That's all they do. - Right.

That's--yeah, I guess, uh...

I guess I shouldn't have, uh, gotten my hopes up.

- Yeah...

.

- It is with a heavy heart

and fists of injustice raised to the heavens

that I inform you that your beloved Principal,

Ralph Durbin, is no longer on

Toledo's top 100 bachelors list.

Which is unfair A-F,

and I'm sorry to letter-swear this early in the morning.

He can't--he's coming. I gotta go, bye.

- Was that really necessary, Helen?

[dramatic percussive music]

- Uh, what else you got?

- What about a list of "Tole-dos and Tole-dont's"?

- No, too similar to our "Ohi-os and Goodbye-os."

Oh, great, this guy's back.

- Oh, really?

I'm not the one with wet tuna on my cleavage.

Yeah, you know what? Nope.

I'm not gonna go there, I'm not.

Because this isn't about you or me.

This is about my good friend, Ralph Durbin.

Someone who cares enough about other people to put them first.

Someone who spends his life

making things better for other people.

I honestly cannot think of a single person on Earth

who's more worthy of being in your top ten

than that sweet, generous dumpling of a man,

and I am not leaving this office until you get that.

Also, I grabbed one of these croissant sandwiches

on the way in.

I hope these are for everybody,

'cause I'm taking one.

It looks delicious.

I haven't had one in a long time.

So, regardless of your decision on Durbin,

I'm going to eat this.

I hope that's cool.

[bell rings]

- Victor.

- So, I don't know if you have spring break plans...

- You know, Victor, I'm going to have to return

your really thoughtful gift.

I mean, yes, this supple nubuck leather

is giving me all kinds of feelings,

but...I'm your teacher

and it's inappropriate.

- You mean forbidden?

- Uh, yes, it's legally forbidden.

But, you know, don't worry about it,

because I am sure the appropriate person

that really deserves this bag

is right around the corner.

So...

- Before we go back to the teacher-student charade,

may I ask for a kiss?

[quirky music]

♪

- I'm not sure, but I think don't tell anyone about this.

- [sighs]

[quirky music continues]

- [sighs]

Hey, Grace, can I ask you something?

- Mm-hmm.

- If we were the last two people on a desert island,

would you hook up with me?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Whoa.

What if we went to prom together

and I showed you the night of your life?

And afterwards we went to my uncle's lake house,

would you do it then?

- Yeah.

- What about just, like, at my house after school?

- Okay. - I'm busy today.

- Another time then.

[bright music]

- Jack, thank you for arguing me back on to the list.

To making this night happen.

This is so great.

This is--I'm just so glad we can experience it together.

- Yeah, I am too, Ralph.

But, you know, hey, you earned it.

- See, this is exactly what I wanted,

sharing a fancy cocktail with my buddy.

- Hey, you know, the, uh, philosopher Camus,

said of friendship--

- Hey, two rum and cokes.

- Yep.

- I'm sorry you had to be a volunteer

to get me back in the top ten, Jack.

- Don't mention it. It's the least I could do.

Uh, let's see, what was I saying?

Oh, yes, um, the philosopher Camus, said that--

- Ooh. - Friendship, essentially...

- Can I get a little more ice in this one?

- Yeah.

- Ooh, look at that.

[grunts]

It's not really a fight. [clears throat]

- There we go. How am I doing?

- It's perfect, good job. - Thank you.

- God, did you ever think when you were younger

that someday you'd be with your buddy,

having a fancy drink because the people in Toledo

voted you "sexy?"

- Definitely not.

- [sighs] It's a pretty special night.

- I'm glad.

[jazz music]

- Wow, the wind is blowing east,

but you can still smell the rendering plant.

♪

- Yep.