Original subtitles

.

[clock ticking]

[Buck Owens' "I Don't Believe I'll Fall in Love Today"]

♪

- ♪ I don't believe I'll fall in love today ♪

- Hiya. - [screams]

Helen! Please!

Please feel free to turn the lights on

when you arrive in the morning.

- The day I become a member of the custodial union,

I certainly will, Dale.

- That is not one of the rules.

- Now I can see what I'm doing here.

[percussive music]

♪

Hi, Ralph. - Good morning, Helen.

- Oh, the morning announcements are just--

we're just chock full of 'em.

And we can't be late like yesterday.

Check this one out.

- "Don't eat the broccoli in the cafeteria

or you'll get birth defects." Helen, what is this?

- Food services couldn't get in the door,

so they left everything for the whole week

on the front lawn, and then the landscapers came

and blasted the whole thing with Roundup.

So the broccoli got the brunt of it

because it's in bags with holes.

- Well, Helen, just tell them to throw the broccoli out.

- What if the announcement is, "Don't eat broccoli

out of the trash, now more than ever?"

Make it sound positive. - Okay.

- Speaking of announcements, you got 28 minutes, kid.

- Oh, gosh.

- Hi. - Happy hump day, Jack.

- All right.

- Or, for my dogs, that's every day.

It can mean just about anything to them, you know?

Hello, good-bye, I like your style.

- Oh. - Hey, you're in my yard.

Get out of here. - Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna kill you someday.

- Oh, I'm gonna kill you first.

- No, really, you drive me nuts.

- Let's do it. You wanna go?

- Guy--guys, let's-- - Yeah.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

- We got in trouble. - Okay.

- Listen, Jack, I would love to stay and chat,

but these next 28 minutes decide whether we grab

the ram by the horns or whether the rams kinda grab us.

Well, the hooves... [laughs]

I guess it'd be a hug.

[both laughing]

- Ram hug. Don't wanna get hugged.

- That fell apart. - Hey, early bird.

What you need?

- Well, I'm just here early doing a little research

for my new book about Toledo's working class.

- Mm-hmm.

- I was down in the cafeteria observing Ronda

and the lunch ladies as they cheerfully made

about 200 breakfast burritos. - Mmm.

- And then she was mixing up about three vats of what she

was calling fiesta tots. - Mmm.

- So, anyway, I just need to type up my notes

and I was hoping to do that in my massage chair.

And you have that, so, uh, give me it.

- Cricket nipples.

I gave it to Lynette in accounts payable.

- Oh.

- Because I read that if you sit on a yoga ball...

- Uh-huh.

- It really strengthens your groin.

- Does it?

- So you don't have a dumpy groin.

- Ah. - And who wants a dumpy groin?

- So, sorry, where is-- where is accounts payable?

I'd like to go see this Lynette.

- Oh, it's that way. Left, two rights.

- Left and two rights. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Hi.

- Hi, Sarika.

- Here are all the violations I witnessed so far today.

- Well, you'd better tell them to me.

- Dale was ten minutes late this morning.

- Oh, my God.

- Travis Hexter put the school up for sale on eBay.

It's at $300. - That's pretty good.

- Anyway, back to this roofing debacle.

The guy shows up, he's a half hour late.

He comes in Mr. Fancy carrying a coffee like he has

not a care in the world. I--

- Hi, is this accounts payable?

I was wondering if I could ask you to part ways

with that chair because-- - No, no.

I run the school's social media.

Lynette's payroll.

Anyway, my husband says to the guy,

"How much to get the whole roof reshingled?"

- The guy says, "Eight thou."

He says, "Eight thou? Fat chance."

- Hello. [knocking]

Hi, I'm Jack.

I hate to tell you this, but you're sitting on a chair

that I technically bought so, you know,

bottom line is, that's my chair.

- It's weird to say it's yours just because you bought it.

Do you know what I mean?

I bought that chipmunk, but he doesn't belong to me.

He belongs to the world.

- Actually, yes, you're making a very valid

philosophical point. No one really owns anything.

Nice, nice.

- It was Jack, right? - Yeah.

Yeah, I was named after my grandfather.

- "My grandfather," very formal.

I think I see what's going on here.

You grew up around horses, didn't you, Jack?

Which was nice because Mommy and Daddy

wouldn't give you a little brother.

After high school, you ran off to Egypt.

That is, until Daddy said it's time to come home.

He pulled strings to get you into Kent State,

a nice little place where you pledged Beta and played soccer.

But that was too big a pond for this fish, wasn't it?

So you came crawling back home to breed your pit bulls

and blow your family's fortune on online poker.

- None of that is right.

- Yeah.

But can you imagine if it was?

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[clock ticking]

- He was peeing in the pool,

and he wasn't even swimming in it.

- Oy.

Thank you, Sarika. Dave, have you lost weight?

- I keep telling you, I have a parasite.

- Oh.

- Don't write that down.

- Helen, my office is freezing.

The radiator isn't hissing like it usually does.

- I'm on it, Ralph. - Okay.

- Oh, Coach, thank you for jumping in last minute

for that crossing guard. - No problem.

It's a real shame about Eugene.

- If I had my way, no one would ever die.

- I hear you,

although I do worry that the overpopulation

would lead to people eatin' each other.

- True. - Right.

Oh, I didn't realize there were readin' glasses

in the pocket here. These must have been Eugene's.

- Oh. - Yeah, should we, uh...

- Well, I'm sure his family would want me

to just pitch those.

[sneaky music]

Anything else in the pockets? - Nothin'.

Nothin', really, nope.

Oh, pardon me. Comin' out.

Faculty comin' out. Move way.

- Oh, here come the hornies.

[clattering]

- Mm, that's...

- What's going on? Why are you early?

- Well, I--I, uh, I spent the morning studying

Ronda and the lunch gals, and then I went to get

my massage chair from this payroll lady,

but she refused and did this sort of

verbal jiu-jitsu thing on me.

I couldn't tell what was a joke and what wasn't.

There was just something about her.

- Um, are you about to sing?

- No, no, uh, I'm never about to sing, Anthony.

Murph--Murphy and Nagel. Yeah, that's it.

"The Myth of Ownership."

Yeah, I--I just figured out what she was quoting.

[laughs]

I shall have my chair.

I shall have it by the time school starts.

[percussive music]

[clock ticking]

- Perfect.

[Buck Owens' "I Don't Believe I'll Fall in Love Today"]

- ♪ For if I did, I know I wouldn't stay ♪

♪ I just can't make my heart find someone new... ♪

- No.

[percussive music]

♪

- Welcome to the meat locker.

♪

- Hey, Victor, look up.

♪

[laughs] - [sighs]

♪

- Okay, Ralph,

this guy's gonna get the heating working ASAP.

- All right.

- A-- - [banging]

Okay, here's something sad.

Somebody put a hamster in the vending machine,

and it's stuck in G9.

[banging]

He's $2, Ralph.

[banging]

He's $2, Ralph. - All right, here.

- Oh. - There you go.

- Oh, they tallied the students' votes

for the new football stadium name.

- Oh, what name won?

- It's a write-in.

[whispers] It's Boner Palace.

[banging]

- Hi, Ralph. - Hey.

- So I have to admit, it was very hard

to sum up 94 years of a man's life,

but I think I have a pretty solid eulogy

for our crossing guard. - Ooh.

- You still want this on the morning announcements, right?

- Absolutely. I loved Eu--Eugene.

Wow, uh, this is-- - [giggles]

- This is really long.

Um, anything you can cut out of this, maybe?

And quickly, if possible.

- Well, I guess we could skip the part

about his marital affairs. - Mmm.

- Although that's my favorite section.

- Mm, you know what-- [banging]

- [speaking Korean]

- Oh, hey, Mary?

I see you're on the phone there.

I just wanted to say that I got $10 of my own money here.

I really didn't even need to interrupt ya.

There's no headline here. This is my money.

- Hey, uh, Mary, do you know a Lynette that works in payro--

Oh, I'm sorry, you're on the phone.

[chuckles]

- [speaking Korean]

- That begs the question, why were you talking to her?

- Hey , I got ten of my own dollars here.

What's with the third degree?

- Okay.

- I says, "When do you think the roof will be done?"

He says, "In the summer." I says, "Like hell."

I got a lot of things to do.

- Murphy and Nagel. [laughs]

Touché, touché. Yeah, yeah.

I forgot about Murphy and Nagel's

"The Myth of Ownership." [laughs]

My chair, please. - What's happening?

- Well, uh, what we were talking about before.

You know how you were saying, like,

that nobody really owns anything.

I realized you were quoting Murphy and Nagel.

Yeah, were you a philosophy major?

- I did not give my money to one of those places.

Did you really go to school for four years

to learn something that is kind of common sense?

- I--I did, yeah.

Nine years, actually.

- Love that.

So you got the other type of doctor title.

- I did, yeah. Thank you.

Uh, yeah, which is why I also know about

Robert Nozick's rebuttal to Murphy and Nagel.

Not sure if you're familiar with a little book called

"What's Mine is Mine."

[door closes] Are we not...

.

[clock ticking]

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I think in order to get my, uh, massage chair

back from this Lynette,

I'm gonna need to know everything about her.

I just can't figure out how someone like her

could be a payroll employee in Toledo, you know.

You know what, Sarika, I bet you've got some intel

on Lynette in that good old snitch notebook of yours, hmm?

- Lynette Marie Hofstadter.

Drives a very large Buick that takes up two spaces.

Takes frequent smoke breaks which,

although not against a rule, are immoral because

she's not smoking. It's an empty vape pen.

- [laughs]

- [whistles]

Yo, she's actually out there right now.

- For real? - For real.

- Where, where, where, where, where?

Ooh, she is. Yep, checkmate.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go get my chair right now.

Uh, Marcus, Anthony, um, you guys distract her

if she tries to come back in, okay?

Let's go. Come on.

Let's go. Come on, come on.

[laughs] What's up, man?

Come on. Can we--can we do this?

- You're gonna have to adjust to my pace.

- [sighs] So slow.

Okay.

[percussive music]

♪

- [groans]

[clunks] [water rushing]

Oh!

[squeaking]

Ah!

[screams]

[groans] [screams]

Oh! [groans]

[banging]

- If you're looking for any feedback,

it is plenty warm.

- Ralph, I thought you should know that the algebra teachers

are having a huge argument on the lawn.

Ken was like, "You still owe me $200."

And Vivek was like, "Well, how about you take this instead?"

And he grabbed her right by the groin

and he's twisting, and there's F-bombs

just raining down. - Hit them with the sprinklers.

Call Vivek's wife. Tell her to bring $200.

Tell her to come immediately.

- Come on, baby. Come on!

- [speaking Korean]

- Your cousin again? - Yeah.

We fight a lot, but, at the end of the day,

it's okay 'cause we really do hate each other.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

You know, speaking of hate, did you see those two dudes

fighting out front? I love a morning skirmish.

- Punching somebody with a belly full of scrambled eggs?

[both laughing] - Mary, Mary?

May I please have a moment, please?

- Oh, sure, Coach.

- Let's see. [slurping]

[gags]

[coughs] Gross.

Hazelnut? Just...

[dramatic music]

Oh, no. Oh, it's so wet.

Okay.

You got this. Okay.

Face. She got a neck,

old neck, saggy neck, okay.

- What's up, Coach?

- Mary, I told you that this $10 bill was my own,

but that was a gol dang it lie. - [scoffs]

If I told you every gol dang it lie that I tell in a day,

girl, you would call the police.

- Mary, I stole this from Eugene.

- Eugene who... [imitates cutting]

- Passed away of old age, yeah. - Yeah.

- Him. This is a dead man's ten.

- [chuckles] - I am a liar and a thief

and it's killing me. - Coach, it's fine.

Dead people don't shop.

Just, uh, go get yourself a breakfast sandwich

or some waffles. - How about a burrito?

- Sure. - 'Cause I'd prefer a burrito.

- Yeah, okay, very cool. Very cool, man.

- Okay. - All right, there you go.

- Right, not supposed to have tortillas,

but I think I can make an exception.

- So the roofing guy's looking at me, and I'm looking at him.

My husband looks at me,

but I'm still looking at the other guy.

You got all three of us in some kind of messed up...

[clattering] - Oh!

[percussive music]

♪

- [laughs] And I can tell you...

.

[clock ticking]

- We are locked in a battle of wits with a worthy opponent.

- That girl you have a crush on?

- I'm an adult, Marcus. I don't get crushes.

No, I--but I have come up with a fairly genius plan

to get my chair back. Now, follow me here.

It involves capturing a deer, pref--preferably one

with a broken leg, otherwise we're gonna have

to break it. - I'll do it!

- You'll break the deer's leg? - Yeah.

- Okay, great.

So we know that Lynette locks the chair when she goes out

for a fake smoke, but, uh, I think if she hears

an injured, braying deer in the hall, she might--

- If I can bray convincingly, can we not have Grace

break the deer's leg? - [sighs]

Yeah, fine. Let's hear it.

- [mimics braying]

- We have our deer.

- [shouting]

Get the hell out of here!

[shouting]

[percussive music]

[shouting]

[groans]

[shouting]

[screaming]

[thuds]

- Girl, I think I might be Coach's only friend.

I'm like, "I didn't sign up for that."

- No. [chuckles]

- [groans]

[laughs] This is rough.

Stef, look at this. [laughs]

The assignment was to create

a photorealistic portrait of your grandmother,

not draw a circle with a dang Panera French loaf on top.

[laughs]

- You know what? That--that is just mean.

Okay?

Because I think this--this is very good, if you ask me,

okay, very, very good.

I mean, to--to me, if you were to say to m--to ask me

if this was very, very good, this is--you know, so--

I drew this, okay,

because I spit your nasty-ass coffee

all over Jason's grandma.

And you know I'm not a good droor.

- Do you mean drawer?

- Well, it's spelled like a dr--a drawer.

I--I say droor.

D--droor? Draw-were?

Anyways, I mean, what are we gonna tell poor little Jason?

[both groan]

[percussive music]

♪

- This is a very good plan, and I--

and I think it could work.

A lot of it does ride on whether Ronda the lunch lady

can do an Australian accent, but I--I bet she can do it.

- Uh-- - Yep.

- Crikey, mate, I'll take a crack at it.

- Solid. That's very, very good.

But, if you're doing that, who's gonna pop out

of the Amazon box, you know what I mean?

I think we got something here. I do.

You guys ready? All right.

Here we go.

- Ralph, the hamster, we got him out from G9,

but he tumbled down to H16, so he's $4 now.

- Damn it. - I'll--I'll get it.

I'll--I'll get it.

- Michelle, do you have something nice

and short for me?

- "Hey, that crossing guard is dead.

"He was a proud vet who killed a lot of Japanese people

"and cheated on his wife.

"But today let us think of Eugene in his orange vest

"watching over all of us,

watching everything we do."

- Oh, what have I become?

[dramatic music]

[percussive music]

- [mimics braying]

- I believe there's an injured deer in the hall.

- Well, according to state, the fire...

- That sounded great, dude.

- Now he's here on Tuesday.

Well, Tuesday's the day they do street sweeping.

- Leverage.

- So I says to the roofing guy, Bruce,

"You gotta move your truck, or it's gonna get towed."

He says, "My name's not Bruce."

I says, "Who the hell are you, been on my roof all day?"

- Hey, there.

This is your teacher's chair so...

Oh, wow.

♪

- [groans]

[chuckles] Hey.

.

[clock ticking]

- Oh, my God, I did it.

I found the Toledo Strangler.

- [laughs]

Yeah, no, this--that's funny.

Um, this is actually all 100% biology,

and it's not a crazy plan to get my chair back.

- Although it does say right there,

"Get my chair back from Lynette."

- Do you think you're the only Lynette in this whole school

that has a chair that I want?

- My mistake.

- [chuckles]

- Just gonna grab this.

That's mine.

- Thanks, yep.

- You got it.

- Wipeout.

♪

- Nonathlete, do you want this burrito?

- Sure.

- Fair warning: it belongs to a dead man.

[dramatic music]

♪

The curse is yours now.

♪

- I am so sick and tired of you guys spitting coffee

on each other's artwork.

- 'Cause this sweet nugget of a boy does not deserve

to have coffee spat on his art.

The madness has got to stop.

- Look at this sweet little egg.

- I mean, who would wanna hurt these sweet baby egg cheeks?

- Who would do that? - Who would do that?

- Oh, time to ring the bell. Toot, toot.

- Oh, time to ring the biz-ell.

[water splashing]

[Buck Owens' "I Don't Believe I'll Fall in Love Today"]

♪

- ♪ I don't believe I'll fall in love today ♪

[percussive music]

- Hey, hey, Lynette.

Uh, I-- [chuckles]

I have a really embarrassing confession.

I stole your chipmunk. - Oh, my God.

- And I'm sorry. And here you go.

- Yeah, I have a confession to make too.

I stole your wallet off your desk.

- Oh. - You know what?

You keep the chipmunk. - Really?

- Yeah.

I'll figure out a way to get him back.

- You know what? Keep my wallet.

Yeah, I'll figure out a way-- actually, no.

Uh, no, I--I need that back.

That's--that's got my money in it.

- That's fair.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Ten seconds.

- All right, give me a tight, short eulogy, Michelle.

- Uh, Eugene cheated on his wife and died.

- Nailed. It.

- Five, four--

Oh, jeez, the east bathroom's flooding big time.

- The east--are you-- flooding?

- Three, two, one. - Hello, faculty and students.

I'm Principal Durbin,

and these are your morning announcements.

Let's grab today by the horns

and make this a wonderful Whitlock Wednesday.

We got lots, we got lots, we got lots of tater tots.