Original subtitles

.

- Hey, Ralph, I need $30,000.

- Whoa, that is a hot entrance.

- Ralph, I need my drops please.

My eyes are hungy.

- All right, Helen. Here we go.

- Oh, gimme!

[groans] - There you go.

[groans] Oh, yummy, yummy.

- Okay, what's wrong, Jack?

- Yeah, well, so last night I was driving home

and some creature like a deer or maybe a bum,

something, who knows, leapt 10 feet into the fog

right in front of my car.

So I swerved, you know, saving the bum's life--

- No, this sounds like a deer.

Bums can only jump like 4 or 5 feet.

- Well, either way, you know, I swerved, and I hit a tree,

and I totaled my car, all right?

So this morning I called an Uber

and got gouged because of some scam

called "Surge Pricing" or something.

Anyway, to get my money's worth

I grabbed all the stupid amenities.

Point being, I'm gonna need a $30,000 advance for a new car.

- I enjoy a Jeep Rubicon.

- Ooh, love that. Might go Rubicon.

- Okay, we really don't have the budget for that,

but we've been missing a Driver's Ed teacher

ever since Linda disappeared.

- Oh, Linda.

- You'd have 24/7 access to the car.

- Okay, well, what-- what kind of wheels

are we talking about here?

- We are talking about V4, automatic,

big sign on the roof.

- Is she fast?

- No.

- I accept. - Yeah.

- All right. You want a mint? - Yes.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[door clicks] - Everybody, shut up.

Attention, attention, everybody.

All right, Grace, your attention please. Jeez.

Well, I'll assume that you all heard that I've humbled myself

by accepting the position of Driver's Ed instructor,

and apparently, that position requires

a valid driver's license.

So last night, I was searching my apartment

and I found this.

This is a letter from Saint Benedict's Catholic Church

thanking my dead mother's estate

for her bequest of $12,000

which they used to buy a statue of the Virgin Mary.

So dome money-grubbing priest

barged in on my dead mom's deathbed

and conned her out of her life savings. Nice.

- And you were there for this unlikely sequence of events?

- Well, no, Dan, I wasn't there-there.

I was stuck in Cambridge, but you know how

these clergy work. - Mr. Griffin,

do you maybe have something against the church?

- Try 13 years of Sunday School.

Every week hearing what a bad little boy you've become.

The sisters of perpetual torment

making you feel like Pol Pot

because you stuck gum under a pew one time.

Well, I'm not bad. They're bad!

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that's my statue

and with your help

I'm gonna steal it from them.

- That's pretty metal.

- Mr. Griffin, stealing from a church feels pretty low

even for you.

- I go to Saint Benedict's

every Sunday with my grandmother.

I'm in the choir. They let me sing Rihanna.

I want no part of this.

- Is that how everybody feels?

Yeah? Grace?

Wow. Okay, fine. Yeah.

Mission aborted.

Have it your way, guys. Really appreciate it.

All right, let's see. Ah!

Anthony, Victor, and Heather,

I'll see you at 2:00 for Driver's Ed,

but don't expect to have a good time

because I am in a mood.

[bell rings]

- At night do you keep, like, a baseball bat beside your bed

in case a home invader comes in?

- I have a straight up machete.

- I have a fork,

and if I'm being honest, under it is a plate

and around it is spaghetti.

- Wow, this is a real quizzer.

My friend sent me a bunch of emojis

and I have no idea what this means.

- Ooh, is it something juicy, something filthy?

- First there's a doctor, then there's a lady in a dress,

then a martini, martini, and a martini,

a hotel, a pill, a sleepy face,

a needle, a "What? Who, me?" Kind of shrug,

and then money, money, money,

lady in a bathing suit, and a palm tree island.

- Helen, I think your friend's about

to murder a doctor for money.

- But she's married to a doctor--

Oh, my Gondo.

- Doing great, Vic. Little slow.

You also seem terrified.

Okay, Victor, bust a U-Turn here.

- When do I signal?

Now? Is it already too late?

- Signaling is, it's pretty optional.

[clanking] Oh.

Yeah, you're gonna want to make your way back to the road.

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Okay, let's just, we're gonna find our way back.

[rumbling]

Kay, yeah, now go ahead and hit the brakes.

There you go.

- Um, why are we at my church?

- It's on, baby.

Ugh. Wow.

Okay, I botched that. Let's forget the hat thing.

All right, come on. Everybody out.

Let's go.

.

- Are you crazy? My grandma and I come here every week.

I am not helping you steal a statue.

- Well, we can't steal something

that's already rightfully mine, so problem solved.

You don't see Victor complaining.

- I'm just happy to be out of the car.

- Right.

- I almost had a nervous movement.

[whispering] A poo. - Yeah, I know--

Good to know, thanks for sharing.

All right, look, Anthony, you're already an accessory.

Okay, you're in too deep, buddy.

Plus you're the strongest one here.

I need your help carrying this thing.

- Fine, but only because you appeal to my sense of vanity.

- Got A-Train. - Got A-Train, all right.

Maybe a little quicker? - You get what you get!

- Get what I get, all right.

Come on.

[suspenseful music]

♪

[sighs] Okay, come on. Let's go.

[whispering] Okay, here. Come on.

We gotta spread this.

Spread this.

Okay.

Tip it. Tip it.

Go, go, go.

[all grunting]

Anthony, ready? Go on three.

On three. One, two...

[rock music]

♪

Come on. Okay. All right.

What are you doing? Why are you driving?!

- I don't know!

- All right. [muttering]

Go, go, go.

[tires screech]

Come on, man, one pedal at a time.

What is happening?

Go!

Come on, Vic. You got it, buddy.

Let's go.

["Didn't It Rain" by Fern Jones]

- ♪ Didn't it rain and rain and rain children ♪

♪ Rain oh my Lord

♪ Didn't it didn't it ♪

♪ Didn't it oh oh my Lord ♪

♪ Did it rain

♪ Tell me didn't it rain and rain ♪

- Jack, Jack, yeah, I don't want to alarm you.

- This is bad. Real nightmare stuff.

- I just got off the phone with Saint Benedict's Church.

Someone stole a statue from there yesterday afternoon.

One of the priests saw the Whitlock High Dri--

The Whitlock High Driver's Ed car

speeding away from the scene of the crime.

- Did they see who did it or how many kids?

- No, just the car. Did you see anything?

- Did I see-- No, I just had a lesson,

and then I came back to school,

put my keys right in the middle of my desk

and went to work on my book in the library alone.

- One of your students

must have taken the keys off the desk,

borrowed the car... - Yep.

- Stolen the statue.

Now I'm gonna cross-reference which one of your students

is a middle child because they look for attention.

- It seems like you might have a juggalo in your class.

- Yep. Yes, this all feels like a very credible hypothesis.

Let's find this middle child juggalo.

- The church wants to handle this quietly,

but they're sending someone to the school

and they're gonna have to talk to your students.

- We need to find this punk,

but it's gonna be tough because without the makeup

juggalos looks like everyone else.

It could be someone you work with every day.

- Well, bad news, kiddos. We pooched it.

Yep. The church knows someone used the Driver's Ed car

to steal the statue.

Anyway, it's no big deal.

They think that any of you could have taken my keys,

so the church is sending some fuddy-duddy priest down here

to play Columbo and ask you all some questions.

Look, most of you just need to tell the truth, you know?

After school, you were engaged

in various extracurricular activities.

Lacrosse, glee club,

anything that lets me hold on to my mom's statue.

I don't care. All right, Heather, Victor, Anthony,

you guys just need to come up with an easy alibi.

Something simple. Something you can stick to.

- And it can be anything.

- Okay, now this attitude immediately worries me.

- Got it.

I was on a date with--

- A supermodel.

- Pew!

- No. No, no, no. Absolutely not.

Come up with something better than that.

Heather, I know you'll come up with something great.

Anthony, you good?

- The only reason I'm doing this

is so my grandma doesn't find out

and for the record, I'm not thrilled

about lying to a priest.

- Awesome, so we're good.

Yeah, everybody just needs to stay strong and,

you know, everything'll be--

[ominous music]

♪

- What is it, boss?

Boss?

♪

- [whimpering]

Nuns.

They sent nuns.

.

- [stammering] Do you guys think they saw me?

- Saw you? What are you talking about?

- It's a simple question, Sarika.

That pod of nuns. Did they see me?

God, it's hot in here and getting louder.

Everybody, just-- just back off me.

Okay, stop looking at me. Grace!

- Okay.

- Oh, God! No, Durbin, bad, bad!

Do not sneak up on me like that.

- Sorry, Jack.

It's these dress Toms. They are so quiet.

They're ready to start the interview.

Sarika, you're up first,

and I will look into getting louder shoes.

- [clears throat]

- All right, Sarika, you got this.

It's gonna be fine. Just stick to your story,

and don't let them use their powers on you.

- Mr. Griffin, do you believe the nuns have special powers?

- A little.

I do, I think they have a little bit of magic.

- Okay.

- Sarika, just don't look them directly in the eyes, okay?

Sarika, just to be safe!

[ominous pipe organ music]

♪

- Sarika Sarkar.

What unfortunate circumstances bring us together today.

But what a lovely jacket.

- Oh, thank you. I got it at the store--

- You know, Sarika, the Bible says that in the end

liars will reside in the lake that burns with fire.

Where were you between 2:00 and 5:00 yesterday?

- I was-- - Sit up.

- I was at study hall.

- Really?

- I was watching sports. - What game?

- It was porn.

You guys are good.

- I...

okay, this lady has not blinked since I been in here.

Does she ever blink?

- I drink, I cuss, I sleep around.

What are you gonna do about it?

- I don't think you do any of those things.

- I use the b-word sometimes.

- Who hasn't?

- Damn it, where's my damn Splenda?!

- Michelle.

- [gasp] Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

- Well, that's still seven Hail Marys.

[laughter] - There we go.

- Okay, cool nun, you got jokes.

- Are you allowed to do that?

- Yes, we're allowed to joke.

- Are you allowed to skateboard?

What's the deal with that whole thing?

- I think we can skateboard.

- So do you get your own clothes

or just, like, grab one of those

off a big pile every morning?

- Uh... - Can you cuddle?

- That's a gray area.

- Have you ever eaten a jalapeno?

- Once. - Ooh, you're a bad girl.

- In Rome. all: Ooh.

- Oh, she got a Roman jalapeno.

- I said we should go Yogurtland

because they know me there. She didn't want to

because of her modeling, but I said that

I thought she looked really good

regardless of how much yogurt she ate

because I'm a very body positive type of--

- It seems our thief left a glass slipper at the scene.

Does this retainer look familiar?

- Oh, that's not mine.

- There's only way to find out.

- What?

- Open.

[ominous music]

♪

- Hey, hey, how'd it go? Did you cave?

You caved. I knew you'd cave.

Damn it, Victor! - I didn't cave.

They think I'm innocent. - Yes, you're my rock, Vic!

[laughs] Always have been.

- I think we've got bigger problems though.

They found a retainer at the church

and they made me try it on.

- What?

- Oh, no. My retainer's gone.

It must have fallen out of my pocket.

- No, Anthony, once they make you try it on,

they'll see that it fits,

and then they'll have us dead to rights.

The nuns win.

[pipe organ music]

This is what I get for being a bad little boy.

.

- I mean, all they're gonna see

is a teacher who stole from a church.

They're not gonna care that I was a good boy

who was trying to avenge his dead mother.

I mean, I--I'm screwed.

- We all are.

- [whimpering]

- They only have evidence on me.

No one else has to get in trouble.

- What?

You'd take the fall?

Sweet, sweet Anthony, would you do that?

I could kiss you.

- I'll try and keep that in mind when my grandmother

wants nothing to do with me.

- Yeah.

Anthony, I appreciate the gesture,

but is the sad walk really necessary?

Come on, man. Look, I know it's my fault,

but I was just trying to avenge my mother.

Anthony. Come on, man.

Look at me.

[groans] Anthony, wait, wait, wait.

All right, look, there's only one way

to get rid of these Dementors.

- Patronus. [indistinct chatter]

- No, we need to get the statue back to the church

before they figure out who stole it.

Heather, Victor, Anthony, I need you to pick it up

and sneak it back into the church.

We'll add Dan Decker for muscle.

- [scoffs] Schwing.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm gonna go stall those nuns.

[ominous music]

[knocking at door]

Hi, how are you-- how are you doing?

- I'm sorry. Who are you?

- Oh, right. Duh.

I'm Jack. I'm the Driver's Ed professor.

Just thought maybe I could help you guys crack this case.

It is hot as hel-- it is hot in here.

Can I-- do you mind if I?

Very, very dry.

[sighs] Have you guys checked the Protestants?

They hate you guys.

- Be quiet. - Oh.

- What did you say your name was again?

- Jack.

Jack... Griffin.

- Are you Rosemary's son?

- Yep. That's right.

[gasps]

[ominous tone]

- Ooh, there's one.

Victor, there's-- and there's another one.

Just park.

- That's a sideways one. I can only do ones like this.

- Can we just hurry up already?

- Yo, Vic, can I please just park, Vic?

- I need to learn.

- Kay, well then, pull in.

- Don't need to learn, bruh.

- Am I gonna hit that? - Just park.

- You have to re-attack it. [overlapping chatter]

Oh, my God. - Back up. Back up.

- Imagine how good I'm gonna be at driving though?

Like, after all of this, I'm gonna be,

like, really good at driving.

- Victor. Victor. Wait, what are you doing?

- This is how parking works. - No, Victor.

- Stop--[screams]

- So it was your mother's statue that went missing

and your Driver's Ed car at the scene of the crime.

Wouldn't you say that was intriguing?

- I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it "The DaVinci Code."

- [laughs]

Hostility.

Often the cloak of a man who feels guilt.

- Well, I didn't steal the statue, so...

[glass shakes]

- I wasn't talking about that, Jack.

I was talking about your mother.

You didn't spend much time with her in her final years,

did you, Jack?

- Some, yeah, not much.

We spoke on the phone quite a bit--

I was busy.

- We're all busy, Jack, but we also make choices.

- Did you--

[sneaky music]

♪

- It must weigh heavy on you.

All the trips home you canceled because a meeting came up.

All the birthdays you missed

because you were out making a name for yourself.

Do you even know

what your mother's favorite cake was, Jack?!

- Easy. Choc--

- Carrot!

- Yep, carrot.

- You were about to say chocolate.

- That's funny. I feel like--

I feel like I heard myself say carrot.

♪

- I'll tell you why you stole your mother's statue.

Because you resent us

because we were there for her when you were not.

- No! That's not true.

That's not true. No.

You took advantage of her when she was old and weak.

- Did we? - Mm-hmm.

- Or did we give her the company you failed to provide?

Admit it! For her!

[ominous, dramatic music]

- Yeah, yes.

Yes, I feel guilty.

I should have been there for my mom,

and I wasn't.

All right, yeah, okay, I was selfish

and I let her die alone and I should have been there.

- And that's why you stole the statue.

- Okay. [laughs]

[cell phone ringing]

- Hm.

- It appears a miracle has occurred

and your mother's statue has been returned.

- Wow. Cool. So you got your statue back?

- Yep. - That's great.

Yeah, and I was here the whole time

so it couldn't have been me.

Holy cow--wow. [laughing]

Stuff got crazy in here for a second there, didn't it?

I'm sorry. You guys seem nice.

All right, well... [sighs]

I'm outta here.

- [gasps]

- Spooky day, huh?

You guys did good.

Here, I swiped this off the desk.

- Thanks, Mr. Griffin. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, and, uh...

I want you to know I think it's great

that you spend time with your grandma.

You're gonna feel good about that when she's dead.