Original subtitles

Jesus!

-

- All right, Vince? - You all right, Reg?

So, what, the Black Swan?

Ah, no.

- Grapes tonight, lad. - Allright.

I'm hearing the barmaid's had a boob job.

- There you go. - Ah, ta!

Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.

Vince?

I've forgotten to empty me bag.

Tip it down that drain for me, will you, please?

You're a good man.

Come in, three-five, three-five.

Hey, we're here.

We're here.

Hey, mate.

Hey, mate. Come on, we're here. We're here now.

Come on, buddy.

We're here.

Come on.

Come on, mate. I haven't got time for this. Come on, let's go.

Yeah?

He fell asleep in my cab.

Did he? You know why?

Cos he's a useless piece of shit.

It's £10.60.

Great.

Morning.

Morning.

For my birthday, can I have driving lessons?

Do you know how much that costs?

Yeah. 20 quid an hour.

I've told you, eh? I'll teach you.

What, in your grotty taxi? Don't think so!

That's gratitude for you, innit?

Suzie's parents got her lessons, and she passed first time.

Good for Suzie. I'm glad you've got

such rich friends to constantly compare yourself to.

What's the exam today, then?

- French. - French, eh?

Bonne chance.

You Googled that.

I did go to school, you know.

Yeah. French must come in really handy as a cab driver.

Don't forget, we're going bowling tonight,

and Mum said I can bring a friend.

Ow! Argh!

Shit!

Tinned cherries?!

Tinned...! Oh...

You missed a bit.

You scored 14.

14?

I need 15 before I could comfortably prescribe medication for you.

So what you're saying, I'm one point shy of depression.

Is this about Tim?

No, it's about me.

Vince...

Pills... it's not always the answer.

No?

What is?

- *No. She said "friend". - He is her friend.

No, he looks like a tosser.

Why does she always pick... wide boys, eh?

Cos the sensible ones are less fun.

£32.90.

How much?

£32.90.

I'm in the wrong business, aren't I?

Ah, look at him. He's all over her.

They're teenagers. Stop being so old-fashioned.

What, it's old-fashioned not to want some prick feeling up my daughter?

Have you got a fiver?

Ah, look at that!

Come on. Let's get over there.

- Thanks. - Please cheer up, will you?

Have a nice day.

Yeah, alright.

Hook a left.

I could get used to this, my own personal driver.

You think I'm a prick?

- What are you on about? - You. All night.

- No respect, taking the piss out of me. - Doing what?

I'm your girlfriend's father, that used to count for something.

When was that ? When the war was on?

Get out.

- I'm nowhere near... - Get out my car!

- Come in, three-five, three-five. - Piss off.

Vince, can you hear me, three-five...?

What?

Can you do the Bull's Head, near Piccadilly Station?

No, I'm miles away.

He's asked for you personally.

- Who has? - No idea. Name's Colin.

Can you give me an ETA?

Can you hear me, three-five?

20 minutes.

Col?

Vincent McKee!

- I thought you were... - Yeah, I was. I just got out.

- How long? - Uh, six stretch.

Six!

Do you know they don't let you smoke in pubs no more?!

I know.

- Anything else changed? - Well, City are good now.

- Mad, eh?! - Look at you!

- So, what? Do you want to, er... - Yeah, yeah.

How did you know I was still on the cabs anyway?

Well, you know, it's not like you were

going to suddenly become a brain surgeon or something.

Besides, I didn't have your mobile number.

- How's the lovely Ros? - Yeah, she's great.

Still doing that job where she asks people shit all day?

Market research, it's vital work, I'll have you know!

- Oh,yeah. - Tinned cherries this week.

Really.

She hates it, to be fair.

She gets her kicks running marathons now.

- Marathons? - Yeah, yeah. She's really good at it.

She's done nine already.

She loves it. She goes all over the world.

- Berlin this year. - Nice city, Berlin.

- You been? - Twice.

Once with me mum to Lichtenberg,

and the second time was a sex party in Spandau.

Which was the best?

Spandau shaded it, but I didn't get as much sightseeing done.

It's late. Is she expecting you?

Not unless she's clairvoyant.

You didn't tell her you were coming out?

You know me mum.

If it doesn't come with ice and lemon,she's not interested.

What happened to Sarah?

We kept in touch. I'll go round there tomorrow,

make my play.

There's a room at ours, you know. I mean, we could...

..have a drink and... Like old times.

Old times.

- I want him out of here. - He's my friend.

Friend! You haven't seen him in years.

We grew up together.

You haven't seen Heidi for years but she's still your friend.

Heidi is not a criminal.

It's a bit of stealing, you know.

He's not like a mass murderer, is he?

- He's an armed robber. - Shh!

And he's been in prison and he's served his time.

So unless he's got a Kalashnikov down his trousers,

- I think we're all right. - I want him out of here.

Tough.

Shit!

So, what are you going to do now you're out?

I haven't a clue.

Join the rat race, like the rest of us?

Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Something like that, yeah.

See, my problem is I've always wanted excitement.

I look at ordinary people's lives, getting up early,

having some boss to answer to, and having to talk shit with

Julie from Accounts, and I just think, "Nah, you're all right."

- You've had a good run, though, eh? - What?

I had the greatest life, and then you get banged up,

and all of a sudden you've got plenty of time to think about stuff.

I've got no life.

I've got no kids, no... no house to call me own.

I should have just been like you, just been normal.

Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

You know, people puking in my cab,

getting abuse, you know, people arguing

because the meter starts at two quid.

And then I get home and...

What?

No, it's just, er, we've been married a long time, you know?

I'm bored. Well, it's boring anyway.

Sometimes I feel like just putting my foot down

and go charging into the nearest wall.

Maybe I'll take the bus next time, then, eh?

And the worst bit is, you know, there's no sign of it changing soon.

Oh, here you are.

- Hi. Sit down. Hiya. -Hiya. - Hi. Hi!

Tinned cherries, is it?

Please don't talk to the samplers.

- Where is he? - Who?

Oh, don't play games with me, Vince, I haven't got the time.

- Where's the criminal? - I sent him home.

Good. Thank you.

Promise me one thing, if he contacts you again, tell him

- we don't want him in our life. - Sure, yeah.

If you promise to do the same to your sister.

Hi! Right...

All right?

Tea?

Aw, what? You're a life-saver.

How was that, all right?

Yeah, you know what, surprisingly comfy.

Mind you, compared to prison it's like The Ritz.

And she kept me company.

- You haven't, have you? - Might have stroked it, yeah.

What's all this art doing here anyway?

It's Tim's.

Oh, right.

Where is he now, uni?

No, he's just travelling, you know?

Listen, you know all that stuff I was talking about last night?

Just forget it. It was the whisky talking.

Yeah, I know that.

Cos we're fine, honestly.

Get dressed. I'll take you to your mum's, all right?

Could you drop us at Sarah's?

Yeah, no problem.

She wrote to you, then, all the time you were inside?

Oh, yeah. Constant letters.

She's a lovely way with words, though, hasn't she?

Some of it's filthy, mind.

Like Fifty Shades Of Col.

What the...? Craig?

Col...

What's, er...?

I'm living here.

Living here, like...?

Like, living here.

Sarah!

What is it, babe?

It's mine.

Er, you were inside, sorry.

Drive.

Sorry, mate. That was a bit of a kick in the bollocks, wasn't it?

Let's get a drink some time, shall we?

Yeah. All right, yeah.

I wouldn't have come this way.

Nah, don't take it from him, mate. He's a knobhead.

No, honestly, he's a knobhead.

Ronnie, Ronnie, listen. He's a knobhead.

Ronnie, listen to me. The man is a knobhead...

Knobhead. He's a knobhead, Ronnie. Listen to me, what I'm saying.

Ronnie, hang on a second. Driver, why have we not turned left back there?

- What do you mean? - If you'd gone left back there,

- we could've cut this lot out. - That road's blocked off, mate.

No.it's not. It opened last Monday. The roadworks are finished now.

Ronnie,I'm going to have to ring you back.

- This idiot's gone the wrong way. - You can walk if you want.

What? In this weather! Yeah, nice one!

This is the famous Park Guell,

the Art Deco masterpiece by the architect Antonio Gaudi.

It's one of 60 parks in the city.

His work is seen all over Barcelona.

-

They're a good bunch of lads. You'll like them,

- especially The Horse. - The Horse?

Why do they call him that? Is he well hung?

No, he looks like Shergar!

Colly, baby! How are you?

- How was Butlins? - Piece of cake.

- Did all my presents get through? - They did. Very much appreciated.

This is my mate, Vince.

-Hello, Vince. - Hi.

- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Likewise.

- Do you like poker? - Yeah, yeah.

- I love poker, yeah. - Good.

But before you play, remember this.

We lose because we told ourselves we lost.

Tolstoy.

Come on.

- Ah, you know the shoe drill? - Yeah, take your shoes off.

Aces...

'Ey-up.

I'm supposed to be off this.

Me and the girlfriend are trying for a baby .

- IVF, the works... - Right.

Apparently it slows my swimmers down.

Col tells me you're a driver.

A cabbie, yeah.

Cabbie? Good money?

No. It's crap.

Too bad.

The people who know how to run this country

are driving cabs and cutting hair.

Was that Tolstoy?

George Burns.

You have a lot of those.

I study philosophy.

How would you like to earn yourself a bit extra?

- Doing what? - Driving.

- Driving for who? - Me.

- Involving what? - Exactly what you do now,

picking people up, dropping people off.

What, just driving?

Just driving. Nothing more, nothing less.

Except... sometimes...

you might have to drive a bit faster.

No way. No way.

- Just calm down, eh? - You off your head?

I thought you were supposed to be going straight.

How am I supposed to say no to these guys, eh?

I thought you said you were sick of being ordinary.

I am. That doesn't mean to say I want to be extraordinary in prison, do I?!

And how about you? You've just got out.

How was your six years? You ready for some more?

What's my choices, Vince?

You know what I mean?

Some bullshit job?

I'm a criminal, it's what I do. And I'm good at it.

Oh, yeah. So why did you get caught?

That wasn't my fault.

Listen, if you want to go back to it, you do it,

but don't drag me back with you, all right?

Ah, come on. It's good money, mate.

Or are you happy being piss poor all your life?

Come on, it's just driving. It could be anything.

You know, dropping him off at Glasgow.

You'll pick him up when he's pissed, picking up packages...

Yeah. Containing what?

Come on.

he's a businessman, that's how you've gotta think of it.

Come on, it'll be a laugh,

living a life, like when we were in our teens.

We were kids.

You know, just knobheads. We didn't know any better.

It's the happiest we've ever been.

No. All right?

Just, you know, read my lips. N-O.

No way. All right? Get out.

All right. I'll tell 'em you're sleeping on it, then, yeah?

Ah, Col...

You all right, mate?

Sex injury.

Sex injury? Who from?

I forget her name.

Honest to God, you've never seen anything like it. She were feral.

My todger looks like a dog's been at it.

- Sounds great. - It was.

I think I might have a bit of a masochist thing going on.

- Can I ask you something? - Fire away.

Were you bored?

Was I bored? How do you mean?

You know, before you left Cindy,

before you started all this no-strings internet stuff.

Were you bored?

Out of my mind.

Not any more, mate. Spring lamb.

A bouncing lamb.

- Come on! - Come on!

Open up!

Please!

Sorry, girls. I'm not insured. I can't pick you up off the street.

Oh, go on. We're only going to Northenden.

- I can't, can I? - Please! It's freezing!

Please. We'd be very grateful. It's freezing out here.

- No-one's looking. Come on. - All right. Get in quick.

- I've got no money. - You said you had!

- No, I never! - Er... you did!

You're going to have to shag him!

Er... you will!

No! Don't think so!

Hey! What you doing?

If you've got no money, piss off out of it.

You can't chuck us out here. We'll get murdered!

I heard what you were saying, all right?

Can you just hurry up, only I really need a pee.

This is my job, all right? It's my living.

If you didn't have any money, you shouldn't have got into my cab.

No, really. I'm desperate.

- Hey! What are you doing? - What does it look like?

Get out! Get out!

Hey! Come on! Hey! Get out!

Stop it! Come on!

Out, you dirty bitch!

Out the cab!

Out now!

- Home, James! - Get out of my cab!

Hey! Come here!

Hey!

Come here!

I want my money!

I'm going to call the police on you.

Argh!

Oh!

Hey! Hey! That's my money! Come here!

- Oh! - Get lost, loser!

We'll work on an as-and-when basis.

When I need you, I call you on this.

You never ring me, hm?

Unless it's urgent.

And if you do, only on that.

Um...

Was it one sugar or two?

- One. - Two for me.

Where was I?

Not to phone you, unless it's urgent.

Right.

And when I call you,

I need to know you'll be there.

I need to know I can rely on you.

Yeah, you can.

Good.

To be honest,

most of the time, the job you'll be doing is

not that different to what you're doing now.

It's a driving job, plain and simple.

- What about the pay? - Oh, don't worry.

You'll get sorted.

Thing I don't get is,

you're Mr Ordinary one day, then the next...

...not.

How does that work out?

Right... Vince.

- That's you. - Thanks.

Horse.

Lovely, thanks.

- Colin. - Ta.

And here you are, Darren. That's your one, mate.

Why do I get this one?

- I chose them at random. - I just need a slash...

Oh, yeah. Out there on the left.

Right, yeah.

So, am I back in?

Everyone deserves second chances.

But not for the same mistakes.

Is that a yes or no?

You're back in.

But if he screws up

it's your neck.

Philosophy, my arse.

Oh, nice motor, man!

She's been fully worked over, so the police aren't looking for her.

But don't park her too near your house.

Use your brains.

We change the plates regularly, so she can't be traced.

Can you drive the cab back for me?

Oh, great! I get the shitty ride.

- Nice, eh? - Yeah, fantastic.

It's all yours.

I need to know I can trust you.

Yeah, you can.

I hope so.

What happened to your last driver?

Personal problems.

What is it this time? Let me guess.

Spray-on curtains, self-cleaning bath mats...

You'd better talk to your daughter.

Katie?

Go screw yourself!

Hey, what's the matter? Come on!

Katie, come on, open the door. What's the matter?

He's dumped me, Dad!

Because of you! Because you're so weird towards him!

And now he's started flirting with Jane Tyler!

No wonder Tim left.

Because he couldn't stand another minute with you!

Hey!

Open the door! Take that back! Come on, Katie!

Katie, take that back. Come on.

Katie, take it back. You know why he left.

As a society, we are outraged by the idea of human cloning.

And yet, that's exactly what parenting is.

People want to create new versions of themselves.

But this pressure to be what our mother and father expects...'

-

Hello?

Eight rings!

You'll have to do better than that.

Get over here as soon as you can.

Fancy a walk?

Come on, I need you out.

Come on. You and all, come on.

Come on, out you get. That's good.

You know where that is?

- Yeah. - Well, let's go!

Just Darren. Woodsy, you stay here.

Don't ask.

I wasn't going to.

He's the middleman on this job that we're planning,

but I can't tell you any more then that.

Horse thinks he's either trying to stitch us up or,

more likely, start an auction.

- Auction? What, for this job? - Yeah.

He jumps into bed with whoever offers him the biggest cut.

Trouble is, he's already shook with the Horse

and that is it, that's all I can tell you, I can't say any more than that.

How's your day?

Fine.

Jesus, you're a bundle of joy, aren't you?

No, it's just...

- What? - Ah...

- You got kids? - Nah.

Nah, my bird wanted them, but then she pissed off to Hartlepool, so...

Why Hartlepool?

God knows.

Must have fancied living down south, innit?

Hartlepool's up north, it's by Sunderland.

Is it?

Yeah.

Bitch.

She told me it was on the east coast.

Well, it is, but it's on the north-east, you know.

North-east?

I didn't even know the north-east had a coast.

You'd better turn the radio off.

OK, go. Go!

He's finished.

Oh, ah...

Spend it wisely.

And don't wait, we'll be here all night.

-

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