Original subtitles

[microphone drones]

♪ We don't have to go anywhere

♪ We don't have to try Something new ♪

♪ Girl, I really don't care ♪

♪ As long as I'm with you

♪ Baby, Let's just take a drive ♪

♪ It's already getting late

♪ Let's go kiss Till sundown ♪

♪ Out on the interstate

["Interstate" by Randy Rogers Band playing]

♪ Out on the interstate

[man] Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Trevino!

-[cheers and applause] - ♪ Out on the interstate

♪

♪ Out on the interstate

Thank you.

[song ends]

Thank you.

All right.

Welcome, San Antonio, Texas.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to the Married People Meeting.

[laughter]

I never wanted to be a husband.

I'm gonna tell you right now, ladies, there's not a man

in this room that wants to be a husband.

No man woke up one day and was like,

"You know what? I'm tired of making my own decisions.

I would like to be questioned all the time

about everything I did." "Why'd you park there?

I don't know why you parked there. Why?

Why would you park there? I don't know why..."

Oh, I can't take it, man. I lose it.

"Fine! Tell me where to park, boss!

Tell me where you want me to park this car!

Please!" "Oh, my God, you're mad.

[laughter]

You have anger problems."

"No, I have wife problems.

'Cause I park this car all the time by myself.

I never get mad. I'm pretty sure it's you."

[laughter]

I've never once parked my car and said,

"Why did I park here?

Why would I park here?"

[laughter]

Oh, she's perfect, my wife.

Never makes any mistakes.

But this is the same person that walks around our house

everyday going, "Call my phone. Can you call my phone?

[laughter]

I don't know where my phone is. Can you...

Babe, just call it. Babe, call my phone.

Oh! It's in my purse! Ha!

[laughter]

I had it on silent.

Now where's my keys? I don't know where my keys are."

She's always late, my wife. "I'm late.

I'm late. I can't find my keys.

I'm gonna have to take your keys.

Where are your keys?" "On the hook that says 'keys.'

-That's... -[laughter]

That's where my keys are."

Oh, she'll take my keys.

Leave me at home trying to find her keys.

[laughter]

Twenty minutes later I'll get a phone call from her.

"Oh, I have both sets of keys.

I'm sorry."

No, "sorry" people bring their husband their keys back.

That's...

She's not coming back.

I'm gonna tell you, she's not-- she's gonna do

whatever she has to do.

Now let me tell you something, people,

if I have both sets of keys,

it doesn't matter what I'm doing.

I better bring her her keys back.

-[laughter] -[woman] That's right.

I could be a heart surgeon...

doing heart surgery...

I'd be like, "Fellas, I gotta go."

[laughter]

"But, Dr. Trevino, if you leave he'll probably die."

"Well, me or him, so...

[laughter]

My wife has a hair appointment."

[cheers and applause]

Oh, the woman can't stop spending money.

Used to be Macy's, now it's Amazon.

Go fuck yourself, Amazon.

Oh, there's always a box at the house.

She tries to sneak it past me.

[laughter]

"Where you going?" "Oh, I needed it. I need it."

I like when the both of us pull up to the house

and there's a box at the door and Captain Evil over here

acts surprised.

[laughter]

"Oh, my God!

What could it be?

Maybe it's for you." "Really?"

The FedEx guy doesn't even know I live here.

[laughter]

Oh, everybody, she buys something--

Her friends, all her friends sell something.

Oh, all of 'em. They're consultants.

"They're consultants.

They want me to be on their team.

They want me to be on their team."

Oh, she'll come home with candles and makeup.

"Where'd you get that?" "My friend. My friend.

She sells it."

Oh, she came home one day with essential oils.

Have you heard of this? A box of bullshit.

-[laughter] -It's a box of bullshit.

And then it gives you a book to tell you

what the bullshit does.

She was all excited. "Look what I got!

Now I can heal us!

I have rosemary,

tangerine, lavender.

Now we can sleep!"

[laughter]

I get the flu, right? I got the flu,

this one pulls her book out. "Tell me what you got."

"I'll tell you-- Why don't you go to CVS

and get me some NyQuil, Harry Potter?

[laughter]

I don't need a potion, woman, I need medicine.

What are you? A witch?

Good, get on your broom, go to CVS...

-[laughter] -and get me some NyQuil.

Oh, if it's my--if it's my idea, it's wrong.

If I came up with the plan, it's wrong.

We went to go buy furniture, okay, we bought the furniture.

The man informs me it's gonna be $400 to deliver the furniture.

I inform him to go fuck himself.

[laughter]

I made the decision in front of my wife.

My wife heard what I said. She said nothing at the store.

We get in the car to go pick up the U-Haul that I need...

here we go.

She's over there in the passenger's seat.

-"[sighs heavily] -[laughter]

[exhales loudly]

[groans]"

I go, "What?" She goes, "Nothing."

I go, "Not 'nothing,' I can feel it in my balls.

[laughter]

I said, 'What?'" This is what she says to me

like I'm stupid. "Why...

did you get a U-Haul so far away?"

Does my wife think that I called U-Haul,

"No, no, no, further.

No, that one's too close.

No, I need the furthest U-Haul you got.

Why? 'Cause it pisses her off. That's why.

And we haven't fought in a while.

I'm trying to make this Saturday worse.

Can you, uh..."

[laughter]

Oh, something as easy as going through the drive-thru

with my wife, it becomes a thing.

I try to be nice, right? I try to be patient.

Try to get on top of it. "Hey, baby, be ready, okay?

One more car, it's gonna be our turn.

Know what you want."

"Oh, well, what do they have?"

[laughter]

"What do they have?! It's McDonald's.

It's the same thing since we were four."

[laughter]

Oh, it's our turn to order. She acts like

she's never seen this menu.

She has to lean over me. "Uh...

Do they have whole wheat buns?"

"Whole wheat buns?

We're about to eat trash.

It's garbage.

You can't take whole wheat buns and then pick stuff

out of the garbage and then put buns around it

and make it healthy."

I don't say that 'cause I love my wife.

What comes out of my mouth is, "Do you have a whole wheat bun?

[laughter]

Look at that, baby, they have whole wheat buns."

"Oh, okay. I'll have nuggets."

[laughter]

Oh, it's not her fault. She blames her sign.

"I'm a Virgo. That's...

I'm sorry, that's how Virgos are."

[laughter]

Oh, even a nice restaurant. And we try, you know?

We try to go on "date nights."

Even the nice restaurants becomes a thing.

We get dressed up. As soon as we sit down,

"You wanna share a salad?

Wouldn't it be nice if the two of us

shared a salad?"

"No.

When have you ever seen me get off the couch,

go to the kitchen, chop myself up a salad,

and then give you half?"

I don't say that. It's in my head.

What comes out of my mouth is, "Yes."

[laughter]

She orders the salad that we're supposed to share.

The waiter says, "Ranch or blue cheese?"

And she looks at me like I have the answer.

[laughter]

"I picked the salad."

I know not to answer, but then I think to myself,

"Well, maybe today's my day.

[laughter]

Maybe today I get to make a decision.

You know what, buddy? We're gonna do blue cheese."

"No, ranch." Son of a bitch!

[laughter]

You gotta laugh, though, I'll tell you that.

If you wanna make it in marriage,

you better be able to laugh

and if you can't laugh, call it a day.

My wife is funny, man, and it helps.

My wife made me laugh so hard one time

I almost wrecked the car.

I had to do a radio interview at six o'clock in the morning.

I work at night. I told the wife.

I said, "Why don't you come with me, you can help me drive back."

My wife said, "Okay."

I'm driving back, right, and my wife goes,

"Are you okay to drive?" I said, "Yeah, I'm good,

but I could use a Red Bull or a Monster."

And I turn around and she goes, "Rawr!"

"Oh, you scared the crap outta me.

You almost killed both of us and that is hilarious."

[laughter]

Early in the morning. She had no makeup.

-Her little chin hairs. -[laughter]

I love my little hairy-chin Potter.

I made her laugh one time so hard I thought

she was gonna suck my dick.

[laughter]

That's all you can hope for. That's--

Everyday I wake up and I'm like, "Maybe today's my day.

Yup.

Today's a good day."

Here's--Here's what happened, all right?

We're watching TV. Me and my wife watch a lot

of TV now that we have a two year old.

Real late night. Like nine, nine-thirty.

[laughter]

We usually watch whatever she wants to watch,

I pretend I don't like it, but I kinda do.

Every time I sit down I'm like, "This again?"

"Well, I can change it."

"Let's just see how the house comes out."

[laughter]

If I have to watch another episode of that damn Fixer Upper

I'ma kill myself.

I don't know why we watch it. Every episode's the same.

"We're gonna put some shiplap. Let's go ahead

and put some shiplap. How about some shiplap?

That's a good idea. Why don't we put some shiplap?

How about some more shiplap?

Where's my dumbass husband Chip?"

-"Uhh..." -[laughter]

There I am. "Pick the porch

Get the porch."

So we're watching TV.

This show comes on called Strange Obsessions.

If you have not seen this show, it's where people do

weird stuff they can't stop.

The episode that I'm watching, the woman is drinking gasoline.

-[audience exclaims] -And every time she would drink

gasoline my wife would get concerned for her.

-"[gasps] -[laughter]

She's gonna die."

And then a doctor came on and the doctor goes,

"If she continues this behavior, she will probably die."

And my wife goes, "I told you."

"You're so smart."

[laughter]

They come back from commercial break,

this poor woman's laid out on the carpet.

My wife goes, "[gasps]

Oh, my God, she's dead."

I said, "No, baby, she just ran outta gas."

[laughter]

And you gotta repeat it. "She ran outta gas!"

"Gonna suck my dick? No? Okay.

I just thought. I made you laugh.

It's before ten o'clock. No? Okay."

You gotta throw a "suck my dick" out there

every once in a while. I do.

I walk through the house. "Suck my dick? No? Okay.

Just making sure. It's my favorite, but..."

[laughter]

If that doesn't work I try to trick her, right?

Like I come out of the shower without a towel all badass.

"I didn't hear you. What'd you say?"

[laughter]

"Oh, I didn't say anything." "Oh, I thought you said

you wanted to suck my dick. I thought...

It's already out, it's clean, and delicious."

[laughter]

I like when I get home and the wife's like,

"I'm having a glass of wine." "Yes, you are!

[laughter]

I'ma go wash my dick. I'll be right back."

[laughter]

She said something to me one time--my wife,

funniest thing my wife has ever said.

So I have to share it with you. Well, here's how it went down.

Okay, you need to know something, I'm not very tall.

-I'm only 5'5". Yeah. -[woman] Uh-uh!

-But God gave me beautiful legs. -[laughter]

So I give my wife the leg show.

"What's the leg show?" You ask? I'm glad you did.

It's where I take my underwear and I shove 'em up my ass...

and then I stand above her face while she sleeps.

[laughter]

I wait for her to wake up.

And she always wakes up like, "Oh...

what's wrong with you?"

[laughter]

She hates the leg show,

so I do it often.

So one day she's watching TV and I'm like,

"You know what? It's leg show time."

I took my underwear, I shoved 'em up my ass.

I got in front of the TV...

-She goes, "Move." -[laughter]

"I'm not gonna move, woman, until you admit

that this is the most beautiful calves

you've ever seen in your life."

I think she had enough. She stood up off the sofa,

she looked at me right in the face.

She goes, "Of course you have great calves,

you're 5'5", you've been doing this your whole life."

[laughter]

I cut her off right there. I said, "No dick for you."

[laughter]

I do. I cut her-- "No, for the next seven,

eight minutes, no dick for you."

'Cause I will if she wants to, but not right away.

[laughter]

You gotta laugh. You also have to have things

that you and your wife can enjoy together, right?

There's things that you and your wife need to have in common.

One of the things that my wife and I have in common,

we both like to watch other couples fight in public.

-[laughter] -It brings us closer together.

Oh, we'll stop whatever we're doing.

My wife's good at it. We'll be walking,

all of a sudden she'll just go, "Look, look, look, look."

Doesn't even move her lips. "Look, look, look, look."

I'm like, "What?" "Shh! Behind me. Behind me."

Then she'll say something like, "Call me."

"Call you?" "Yes, so we can stay here

and act like we're on the phone."

There we are having a fake conversation.

-"Yeah. Oh! Yes." -[laughter]

We don't wanna leave the fight.

We wanna hear what they're fighting about

'cause we wanna see if what they're fighting about

is just as stupid as the things that we fight about.

[laughter]

Now the stupidest fight I ever saw between a couple,

all right, was at the grocery store.

I'm at the grocery store, I don't know where my wife is.

She's there, I don't know where she is.

I'm in the chip aisle and it's going down.

And it's an old couple. And when I say "old,"

I'm talking about, like, in their 80s-old.

And the old man goes,

"I want some salt and vinegar potato chips!"

And the old lady goes, "You can't have salt and vinegar

potato chips, John, 'cause you have high blood pressure.

The doctor said no more salt." He said, "I don't give

a good goddamn, Brenda, what the doctor said.

I want some salt and vinegar potato chips."

She said, "Get the SunChips." "I don't want no damn SunChips!

I make my own money, I wanna get what I want, damnit!"

I'm texting my wife. "Hurry. Chips. Chips."

[laughter]

By the time my wife got there, John had already won.

He had his chips. He was walking around,

"I don't give a damn." And Brenda was behind him,

"John, listen to the doctor, John!"

[laughter]

I hugged my wife. I said, "Look, baby,

-it never ends." -[laughter]

We got in the car. We got in the car.

My wife goes, "What happened in the chips?"

I get into it, too, right?

I'm like, "All right, check it out,

the dude was like, 'I want some salt and vinegar potato chips.'

And the old lady's like, 'You can't have salt and vinegar

potato chips 'cause the doctor said that

you have high blood pressure because the doctor said--'"

And then my wife goes, "Oh, my God

maybe he has high blood pressure."

-[laughter] -I said, "Well, maybe he's a man

and he wants salt and vinegar potato chips."

"Well, maybe she's just trying to help him."

I said, "Maybe he has high blood pressure

'cause his wife's always on his ass.

-Maybe that's why!" -[laughter]

I'm like, "Oh, man, I think we're having their fight.

We weren't even fighting today. What just happened?"

That's how much me and my wife fight.

We will fight other people'sfights.

When we run out of fights we're like, "Bring us another one.

-[laughter] -What do y'all fight about?

We'll fight about that."

You know, man, we get divorced about every six months.

The last time we almost got divorced was over trash bags.

[laughter]

You laugh, but she won't take out the trash.

Now don't get me wrong, ladies, I know it's my job.

-I saw your faces. -[laughter]

I know I'm the trash man. I get it.

But every once in a while, when I'm not around,

can you help daddy out a little bit?

She won't. Even if it's full.

She'll just put trash around the trash.

[laughter]

As if to say, "Hey, stupid, do your job."

You know where I draw the line? I don't replace the bag.

I'm the trash man, she's the bag lady.

-I don't care. -[laughter]

So, here's what happened.

I had something to throw away.

I got to the trashcan, there was no bag.

At that point, I had to make a decision.

Put the bag in myself like a little bitch...

[laughter]

or throw it away anyway and send out a message.

I decided to send out a message.

I threw it away and I went to the living room

and I prepared myself.

Oh, I knew she was coming.

I was not ready for her to bring the entire trashcan with her.

[laughter]

Oh, she brought the whole trashcan.

"Why did you do that?!"

I was ready. I said, "'Cause it's not my job.

I'm the trash man, you're the bag lady."

Of course my wife, "[chuckles] Nobody has jobs.

If you see something in this house that needs to get done,

just do it." "[laughs sarcastically]

-[laughter] -Really?!"

I said, "When's the last time you took out the trash?"

"Oh, my God, you're yelling at me."

[laughter]

Oh, now we're fighting about the way that I talk to her.

No more about trash bags. "I just wanna know

when the last time is you took out the trash."

"I don't like the way you're talking to me."

"When is the last time...

that you...

took out the trash?"

"You're being an asshole."

[laughter]

And that leads to, "I'm so tired of this."

I'm like, "I'm tired of this, too."

"I don't even know why we're married."

"I don't even know why we're married, either."

"I'ma file for divorce." "Well, bring the papers.

I'll sign 'em. I don't give a damn!

-[laughter] -Keep the house!"

"I know, 'cause it's in my name 'cause your credit sucks."

[laughter]

That's why I did it.

An hour later I'm like, "I'm hungry. You hungry?

-Let's go eat. Come on." -[laughter]

As I'm putting in the bag, "Come on!"

[laughter]

I wish we could fight like that.

We don't fight like that anymore.

Now we have a baby.

So now we fight like this. "[whispers] I'm so tired!"

"[indistinct whispering]" "Shh! You're gonna wake up

the baby--'Cause you're gonna wake up the baby!"

"I don't care if the baby's--" "Shh!

I'm gonna file for divorce!" "Bring the papers!"

[laughter]

[normal voice] Sometimes we wake up the baby,

but that doesn't stop us.

Now we're in the baby room and my wife's really pissed.

[laughter]

[silent]

[laughter]

[silent]

[kisses]

[silent]

I'm in the doorway... [silent]

[laughter]

I'm signing fake papers.

[laughter]

We'll fight through the baby monitor.

Oh, my wife's in there, "I'm so tired of your father.

He thinks he can do whatever he wants.

He's a--He's a father now. He can't just go out--"

"I can hear you! I can hear you!

-Over." -[laughter]

That is my job, man. I'm the trash man,

she's the bag lady.

I'm also in charge of the cars, right?

I'm in charge of anything car related.

Lights come on the dashboard, I turn 'em off.

It's what I do.

If I haven't been in my wife's car in a while

and I get in it, they're all lit up.

Like she hit a slot machine. I'm like, "Baby, what--"

"I don't even know what those are."

"Good, that's a flat tire. That's...

[laughter]

How long's the oil light been on?"

"Since we got it.

It's always been on."

She doesn't wash her car. Man, that pisses me off.

My car's clean always.

If I'm drinking a bottle of water,

the bottle of water comes with me...

all the way to the trashcan.

Not my wife's car.

Her car isthe trashcan.

"Oh, Starbucks cup? Why not?

Eight half-drank bottles of water?

Tambien."

It's like she took a granola bar...

beat the crap outta it...

decided not to eat it and just went,

"Meh.

[laughter]

Let the peasants clean it."

You know who the peasant is, right?

Yeah, it's me.

Oh, she knows I'm gonna clean it.

And I'm cheap, I go to the do-it-yourself carwash.

She won't even get out of the car.

Oh, she'll sit in the car on her iPad like an emperor.

[laughter]

I'm outside in the hot sun with the foam brush.

I'm gonna finish in four minutes.

I'm not putting another quarter in there.

My goal is to start somebody else's car.

"I got time. Get in here, buddy."

[laughter]

Look, man, I'll be honest with you.

Look, I don't...

I don't mind taking care of my wife, right?

I was raised here in Texas so, you know,

my dad raised me to take care of my wife, you know?

I don't mind taking care of my wife.

My wife doesn't even pump her own gas.

However, I do have a problem with the fact

that she doesn't appreciate it.

She expects it.

You know why she expects it? 'Cause she's a daddy's girl.

Yup, her daddy did everything for her.

-[woman laughs] -You're already laughing.

[laughter]

Oh, all I hear at my house, "My father...my daddy...

Oh, you don't know how to do it?

My daddy does. My daddy knows.

My daddy knows how to do everything better than you.

Oh, if my daddy would've done that shelf,

it would've come out better. My daddy..."

[laughter]

I ask her. I'm like, "Hey, baby,

how come you don't wash your car?"

"[chuckles]

My daddy would never allow me...

to wash the car."

"How come you don't take out the trash?"

"[laughs hysterically]

These hands... have never touched trash.

My father would not allow me...

to touch trash."

I go, "That's good, baby, can you make me a sandwich?"

"[scoffs] I'm not your mother."

"Well, my mother would never allow these hands...

to make a sandwich."

It's true. I'm a mama's boy.

I still go home to this day so that my mom

can make me a sandwich.

It's the best damn sandwich on planet Earth.

Let me tell you how it works. I sit down, right?

I watch TV with my dad and then I go,

"[shouts] Ma, sandwich!"

And she moves. "Okay, you want a sandwich?

-I'll make you..." -[laughter]

She moves.

And there's lettuce and tomatoes and onions,

salt and pepper, mayo and mustard evenly spread.

She rolls the turkey, she don't lay it out flat

like an asshole.

[laughter]

And she brings it to me on a plate.

A real-life plate.

[laughter]

And she follows it with,

"And what do you want to drink?"

"How 'bout some iced tea, Ma?"

"Aye, I don't have any, but I'm gonna make you some."

[laughter]

"I know...

because you love me."

And every bite of that sandwich is the best.

And it's so good. You know why?

'Cause her secret ingredient is love...

and compassion.

My wife makes me sandwiches with anger and hate.

-[laughter] -"Here's your sandwich!"

"Can you at least line the breads up?

On a paper towel?"

"I'm not gonna dirty dishes for you."

"Oh, can I have some iced tea?" "I don't know, can you,

-Leg Show, let me see." -[laughter]

I had a--I had a guy one time at a show

and he yelled out, "You should've married

a Mexican girl!" I did!

They don't make 'em like they used to.

[laughter]

My wife has jobs. She does things, you know?

She does the laundry.

I-I know, it's not a woman, man thing, all right?

I don't mind doing the laundry.

She doesn't like the way I do the laundry.

I pick it all up and I throw it in there.

My wife has nine different loads.

The towels go by themselves and the whites

and the more whites and the less whites.

[laughter]

And she complains every day. All I hear is,

"The laundry.

I'm so tired of all the laundry

in the house!"

I do the trash. I don't walk around the house

going, "The trash!

There's so much trash in this house!"

"Let me show-- It's 2018,

let me show you how easy it is to wash the laundry.

Look...

[laughter]

Magic."

But all I hear, "The laundry!"

"First of all, honey, all of this is yours.

I wear the same jeans all week.

I use one towel a month.

[laughter]

You use nine a day."

But my wife, "The laundry!"

I could understand if you had to go to the river...

and wash it on a rock. I could understand

how you could be a little upset

'cause I watch the Discovery Channel, people,

and I see women with baskets on their head

walking to the river.

None of 'em are going, "The laundry!"

[laughter]

Another one of my jobs, anything outside.

If it's outside, it's my job.

If it's outside and it comes inside,

-I take it back outside. -[laughter]

Oh, my wife will scream from the other side of the house,

"There's a spider in here!"

I have to go over there in a hurry

and act like I give a shit. "Where? Show it to me. Where?"

[laughter]

"It's right there! Kill it!" "Go get my weapon, the napkin."

That's what I use. I use a napkin

and I kick the shit out of it

'cause I'm a little scared myself.

Sometimes I look in the napkin and the spider's not in there,

I'm like, "Ohh!"

[laughter]

My wife, "Did you get it?!"

I'm a good husband and I lie to her, "I got him.

You go ahead and sleep tonight.

I'm not."

That spider saw my face.

[laughter]

She has another job. She's our interior decorator.

Look, I gotta admit, man, we have a beautiful home

and that's 'cause of my wife

'cause she's an interior decorator.

She has a degree in interior decorating.

She got it on Pinterest.

[laughter]

Oh, she's on the-- "Babe, look, I mean...

I'm gonna do that.

I just need some moss. I need moss,

I need barbed wire, I need pallets."

Oh, she scared me. One time we're driving

down the street, right? Normal day.

And all of a sudden she goes, "[screams] Oh, my God, stop!"

I go, "Oh, shit! Are you okay?"

She goes, "There's pallets. I need pallets.

-[laughter] -Get those pallets."

I'm in the back of a grocery store stealing pallets

for Captain Evil.

She's in the front seat on her iPad.

"Hurry up. It's hot out there.

[laughter]

My hair's gonna frizz. Hurry!"

Oh, she came home one day with a dresser

that somebody threw away.

She was all excited, too. "Babe, come here.

Look what I got." I go, "What is that?"

She goes, "Oh, it's gonna look like this."

I go, "Oh, no, it's not."

[laughter]

She says, "Yes, it is. It's my DIY."

Oh, she woke up Saturday all badass

in her DIY outfit.

My wife bought clothes to mess up.

'Cause she has to look cute for her Instagram photo shoot.

Fifteen minutes in the living room before the DI--

"[giggling]

DIY day!"

[laughter]

Just to delete all of 'em. "No. No."

Oh, she'll get me involved. "Babe, take a picture of me,

but get high. Get high.

No, get on the counter. You're short.

Get high.

Okay."

[laughter]

"Who is that?"

I wish I was married to my Instagram wife.

[laughter]

Oh, she was in the garage for 20 minutes.

Back in the house, "[groans]

It's a lot harder than I thought.

Can you help me?"

"No, baby, it's a do it... yourself."

I love her, though, so now I'm outside like an asshole.

Now she's my boss. "Stand it more there.

Stand it...

That doesn't look like the picture.

I mean, look at the picture.

Look at that. I'll be inside.

Call me when it looks like the picture."

[laughter]

Six hours of my Saturday...

Four-and-a-half trips to Home Depot...

Six hundred and ninty-two dollars later.

I could've went out and bought three of these.

And she has the balls to come outside,

"Hashtag DIY!" "No, woman...

you tag me, woman. You tag..."

[laughter]

And I had somebody one time, they came up to me

and say, "Steve, do you love your wife?"

Ooh, I said, "I wish I didn't."

[laughter]

We have a-- We have a little boy, man.

We, uh... So excited about it.

It's a blessing, man. There he is right there.

-That's my son. -[applause]

Yeah, it's awesome, man.

[cheers and applause]

He's two years old. Almost two and a half.

My--My wife says now that we need a daughter

and I'm like, "Uh, no, we don't."

I can't imagine my wife having a back-up bitch.

[laughter]

-Like a little her. -[women cheering, applause]

Following her around the house. "You're right,

he doesn't do anything around here."

[laughter]

With a big FedEx box and a little FedEx box.

[laughter]

The best part, when my son started to talk.

His first word was "daddy" and I was so happy

and then my wife got excited.

She's, "Oh, he's gonna say 'mommy' next."

He calls her "babe," it's hilarious.

[laughter]

Oh, there's nothing funnier than my two year old

walking around the house going, "Babe...

[laughter]

Paw Patrol,babe."

If that doesn't work, he uses her real name.

"Renae!

I got poop!"

[laughter]

It's the best.

But now that he talks, man, he says things to my wife

that I can't believe he gets away with.

So my wife's telling me a story, right?

My son is sitting on her lap facing her, okay?

Halfway through my wife's story,

my son takes his little hand and he puts it on her lips

and he said, "Babe, stop talking."

[laughter]

I was so proud!

I said, "Finally, somebody said it!"

I was like, "Wait a minute, I think my son's a mind reader."

[laughter]

My wife, she looked at me like, "Do something."

And I was like, "[chuckling]"

That went from that to "Oh, no."

I mean, like, don't get me wrong,

I love my wife, but her stories suck.

They take forever, there's no punch lines.

She'll go off on a tangent that has nothing to do

with the original story. It's the worst.

It took her two minutes the other day to tell me

that she went to Chick-fil-A and it was good.

-[laughter] -She came home all excited.

"Oh, my God, I went to Chick-fil-A.

It was so good, but first of all,

let me tell you, I was in the car and I was driving

and I was like, "Oh, my God, I wanted to go to Chick-fil-A

'cause I was so hungry 'cause I've been on that diet,

but I was like, 'You know what? I'm gonna do it.

I deserve it. I've been so good to myself.'

And I saw a Chick-fil-A and I was like,

'Oh, my God, God wants me to have a Chick-fil-A.'

So I went ahead and I pulled into that Chick-fil-A,

but it was closed and I was like,

'Oh, my God, why is it closed? It's not Sunday.'

'Cause you know me, I always crave Chick-fil-A

on Sundays and they're closed. And I don't know why

I always crave Chick-fil-A on Sundays, but I do.

And they're always closed. But it wasn't Sunday,

it was Saturday and I was like, 'Why are they closed?'

It was a newChick-fil-A. It's not even open yet.

So I was like, 'Well, forget it. I guess I'm not gonna

have Chick-fil-A.' So I got in the car

and I was like 'You know what? God does not want me

to have Chick-fil-A. I'm gonna go ahead and stick

to my diet' and then I saw another Chick-fil-A.

And I was like, 'Oh, my God, God doeswant me

to have Chick-fil-A.' So I went ahead and pulled in

to that Chick-fil-A and the girl that was taking

my order, oh, my God, she had, like,

the cutest little earrings. They were, like,

little Christmas trees and I was like, 'Oh, my God,

where did you get those?' And she said Hobby Lobby,

but there's no way that she got 'em at Hobby Lobby

because I was just at Hobby Lobby

and they don't sell earrings at Hobby Lobby.

I mean, maybe they sold her the stuff to make them.

I mean, you can make them at Hobby Lobby,

but she didn't buy them at Hobby Lobby.

So, anyway...

[laughter]

-[cheers and applause] -it was good."

Look, my favorite part of my wife's stories

is when she goes, "So anyway..."

I'm like, "Yes! It's about to end!

-[laughter] -Finally!

Here comes the punch line."

[laughter]

[peacock caws]

[laughter]

What the fuck? Whoa!

[laughter]

You know this show's country when there's peacocks

in the back.

I want all the people-- I want all the people watching--

-Yeah, this is-- -[cheers and applause]

All you people watching this special,

this isn't a set, motherfucker.

Those are peacocks.

[laughter]

It's a real barn.

You know they have some L.A,-- one of these L.A. PAs,

like, chasing 'em. "Get--Come on. Get up.

-[laughter] -Come on, chicken! Come on!"

People always tell you that, you know,

when you have kids it changes your life.

It does, man, and one of the most beautiful

things in all the world is a child's laughter.

My son's laughter is the most beautiful thing in the world.

He's two right now. It's amazing.

I love to make him laugh.

He walks past me, I trip him, you know?

[laughter]

I tackle him. I body slam him.

He loves to get-- "Body slam me, Dad!"

I'm like, "Yeah!" And I body slam him.

But at the same time, as much as it makes you happy

to hear them happy, it hurts you,

makes you sad when they're sad, right?

But when he's sad, he doesn't want me.

He wants the Babe.

Oh, two in the morning, he'll wake up in his room.

"[crying] Babe.

Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe."

My wife and I wake up in our room

and my wife's like, "Oh, my God, can you help me this time?"

"He clearly said 'Babe.'"

[laughter]

"Renae!" "That's you, honey."

[laughter]

"Just help me!" I'm like, "I'll go over there."

I will. I'm a good husband. I will go over there,

but the look of disappointment...

on my child's face when I walk in the room

and I'm not the "babe."

My son's in his crib like this...

[laughter]

"What are you doing here?

Does it look like I wanna play?

I don't need body slams, man, I need hugs.

Go get the babe."

[laughter]

We put him in daycare.

They don't warn you about daycare.

The first two weeks are rough.

I had not taken him to daycare, okay?

I work nights, my wife does mornings.

One night my wife says, "Tomorrow take him

to daycare." I said, "I can do that."

Okay? I get to daycare, as soon as my son

sees the daycare, he goes, "No, Daddy, no.

Please, Daddy, no!"

And I was like, "What are they doing to you at daycare?

Show me on this doll."

[laughter]

I called my wife right away. I said, "Babe, he said,

'No, Daddy, no.'" My wife's a savage.

She goes, "Drop him off. He'll get over it!"

I was like, "Ooh.

You gotta stay, buddy.

I'm just the assistant coach.

Your mom's the head coach."

[laughter]

He cried the whole time, man.

It hurt me. I left him in the room

he was crying to me. "[crying] Daddy, no."

I was crying back to him. "[crying] I'm sorry.

Your mother is scary!"

I don't take him to daycare anymore.

No, sir. I make the wife do it.

Ipick him up like a hero.

[laughter]

I show up everyday all badass.

[thuds] "I came as soon as I heard.

Son, let's go.

Who left you here? I woke up, you were gone.

What happened?

Babe? That's how she is. Let's go."

[laughter]

Look, man, I will admit to you right now

being the dad is the best job in the world.

Ladies, you got it tough. I'll admit that.

So if your wife takes care of your kids,

give her a round of applause, man.

-Women are amazing. Thank you. -[cheers and applause]

My wife--My wife's amazing.

She does a great job with that little boy,

but recently she had a mommy meltdown.

I don't know if you've ever seen one of those.

Scared all of us.

It was a normal day at the house.

I'm sitting on the couch, like I do, watching TV.

I don't know what she's doing.

And all I hear is my son go, "Babe. Babe. Babe.

Babe. Babe."

Remember, I'm trying to watch TV, so I'm like,

"Babe."

And my son goes, "Babe. Babe."

And then my wife just goes, "I can't do this anymore!"

I was like, "Oh, man, you're gonna have to.

[laughter]

We just got him."

I was scared. I was like, "Oh..."

I looked at my son like, "What'd you do?"

I felt bad. My wife was crying.

I go, "Are you okay?" She's, "I'm not okay.

I'm so tired all the time.

I haven't done my nails done in I don't know how long...

and now when I exercise I pee a little...

[laughter]

and I'm growing a beard."

I was like, "I didn't want to bring it up."

[laughter]

I felt bad. I felt bad.

So I told her, I said, "What can I do for you?

How can I help you?" And my wife, crying, she says,

"Can you just take care of your child?

For one day? Can you do one day without me

so that I can go and be a woman?"

One day? I can do one day.

I'm a man, people, I stepped it up.

-[woman] Whoo! -I did. I called my mom.

[laughter]

I said, "Mom, you better get over here, man, I'm scared."

I'm Mexican, my mom showed up with her own mop

and her own mop bucket.

That woman was mopping with one arm,

she had the baby in the other.

The washer and dryer were both going at the same time.

I've never seen anything like that in my house.

[laughter]

I didn't even know they could work together like that.

[laughter]

We're dealing with a professional.

Before my wife got home I told my mom,

"You gotta go, Mom."

My wife got there. People, the house smelled

-like Fabuloso. -[laughter]

Food was on the table, the clothes were folded

real nice on the bed.

My kid was asleep.

And I looked at my wife and I said,

"That's how you do it."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

She goes, "You called your mom?"

I go, "Yeah... that's how you do it.

[laughter]

And if you two got along, maybe she'd come over

more often.

Always gotta have your parents here."

[laughter]

It does, man. It changes your life.

From the minute your child is born it changes your life

and you see your wife in a different light, man.

I saw my baby born and let me tell you something,

what?

I almost didn't make it.

I was working the day my child was born,

but thank God I was able to make it.

I was in-- I'm not an asshole, okay?

He came two-and-a-half weeks early.

[chuckles]

My wi--I'm working, uh, at the MGM Grand.

I'm in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I'm performing with a comedian named Brad Garrett.

-You guys know who that is? -[cheers and applause]

[as Garrett] Everybody Loves Raymond,right?

Brad and I over the years have become friends.

We work together in Vegas. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday everything is fine. I'm checking in with my wife.

Thursday right before I walk on stage my wife calls me.

She says, "You need to come home.

We're having a baby." I ran over to Mr. Brad Garrett,

I said, "Brad, I have to go, man, we're having a baby."

And Brad Garrett goes, [as Garrett] "Of course you are,

-you're Mexican." -[laughter]

I said, "You don't have to pay me for the days

I'm not gonna work, you're Jewish."

[laughter]

And that's how friends treat each other.

I'll be honest with you, man, I can't wait to go back

to a time in this country when we can all talk

-like that to each other. -[cheers and applause]

At the end of the day, we're all American.

He was very nice, Mr. Brad Garrett.

He wrote me a check for the entire week.

Then he wrote me another check and he put it in an envelope

-and he wrote "baby" on it. -[audience awws]

Yeah, he goes, "That's for your baby."

I said, "Thank you, Brad."

I got to my wife at three o'clock in the morning.

She was in labor. Continued to be in labor

-for 26 more hours. -[audience exclaims]

I'm with you.

I could've done the show.

[laughter]

She wanted to have a natural childbirth.

Don't do those!

Every few minutes she'd Hulk out on me.

"I'm gonna punch you in your face!"

I'm like...

"There's a man in there."

At one point she called me to her, like, the devil herself.

She goes, "[deep voice] Come here, motherfucker!"

[laughter]

[normal voice] The nurse goes, "She's talking to you."

[laughter]

So I put my piece of pizza down...

Let me tell you something, people, you do not know

the physical strength of your wife

until you meet her in labor

and she grabs your titty with the strength of 15 gorillas...

and shakes you, [roars]!

"Aah!"

Finally the doctor lady-- the doctor lady pulls me outside

and she goes, "Weneed to do something."

I said, "We?

I don't work here, lady, I'm scared.

I came in here with a woman, there's a man in there."

I go, "Look at my tit."

She says, "Werecommend an epidural."

I said, "Werecommend an exorcist."

[laughter]

Look, I don't know what epidurals are,

and a lot of you fellas know this,

they don't let you in there to see the epidural.

They asked me to leave. That's weird to me

'cause I can watch my child come out,

but I can't watch you do an epidural?

What's an epidural?

I don't think it's medicine at all, people.

[laughter]

I think three priests come in the room...

[laughter]

We had our baby.

One of the best days of my life.

My wife and I sat there together.

My wife says--she says, "How did it go with Brad Garrett?"

I go, "Oh, it went great. He paid us."

My wife goes, "Oh, my God, that was nice."

I go, "Yeah, it was real nice."

I said, "He gave us another check."

I opened up the envelope, $25,000.

-[audience exclaims] -I told my wife, I said,

"We can't keep this." She goes, "Oh, yeah, we can."

[laughter]

She says, "I'm a Virgo, and, uh...

we're the keeper of all things money, so..."

We kept it. We did. We kept it.

And we decided to name our son after Mr. Brad Garrett

and my hero, my father.

My father's a Vietnam vet. Give him a round of applause.

-And all the Vietnam vets. -[cheers and applause]

All you men and women who serve our country,

God bless you and thank you.

Also, our first responders. Our police officers,

our nurses, our teachers. Give them a round of applause.

-[cheers and applause] -Thank you. Thank you.

I, uh, my son's name is Garrett Jose Trevino.

Yeah, my dad called me up. He goes, "I gotta be second?"

I said, "No, sir, opening bid is $25,000."

[laughter]

He goes, "I'll take second for free."

I said, "Yeah, I bet you would."

I'll tell you this, though, that's when you realize

that your wife is your best friend, right?

I have best friends. They won't have a baby with me.

[laughter]

We made a human together and she did that for us.

And that's how you know that your wife is your best friend.

And I looked at that little boy and I thought to myself,

"One of these days he's gonna leave

and I'm gonna be stuck with her again.

-[laughter] -Forever.

Till death!

Not till death. Well...we die first.

We do. Men die first, ladies.

It's not The Notebook. We don't hug and die.

-Like, that's... -[laughter]

In real life, we die first.

And then, ladies, years later you die.

Right? It's true. Everybody in here has a grandma.

[laughter]

At some point grandpa goes, "Fuck it.

[laughter]

I'd like to be in heaven by myself for a little while."

You know all the grandpas are in heaven having a good time

and all of a sudden, poof, "Oh, I gotta go."

[laughter]

"I told you not to eat the salt and vinegar potato chips."

"Well, Brenda showed up."

I love what I do, man, and I love that you guys

come out, I love that you call your wives "Captain Evil"

like I call mine.

I love to watch you laugh, man. That makes me happy, you know?

You guys like to watch me, I like to watch you.

-[cheers and applause] -Yeah, I do.

I like when you laugh, you hit your wife, you know?

[laughter]

And your wife looks at you when you laugh too hard.

[laughter]

My favorite thing, though, is sometimes,

uh, after my show, these girls in their 20s

and they've never been in a real relationship, you know?

But they'll come up to me and they go,

"You're my favorite comedian

'cause you're jokes are so funny."

-I'm like, "Jokes? -[laughter]

This is a documentary."

[laughter]

-[man] Whoo! -[cheers and applause]

So here's to all you women in your 20s who are single.

Listen to me 'cause I want you to be happy faster.

-Lower your expectations. -[laughter]

You're not a princess, your father lied to you.

[laughter]

"I'm gonna marry somebody rich." "Mm, probably not."

But if you really wanna be rich, rich in the things that matter,

find a real man. A family man.

A man that wakes up everyday and goes to work...

-[woman cheer] -who will be happy with you.

And I know you young girls are like,

"Oh, my God, I want that...

but can he also have abs?" "No."

[laughter]

Men that work hard don't have abs.

-We have one ab. One. -[women cheering]

One big ab.

Oh, it's hard,

but there's only one.

And I know all you young girls are like, "Ew.

[laughter]

I'm never gonna sleep with a man that looks like that."

"Yes, you will."

[cheers and applause]

Maybe not tonight...

but eventually there's gonna be a fat, hairy, sweaty,

balding man on top of you.

He's gonna have sex with you for a good three minutes.

-Strong. -[laughter]

And then the popcorn's ready and it's time

to watch The Voice.

I'm Steve Trevino. God bless America.

-[cheers and applause] -Thank you.

♪ We don't have To go anywhere ♪

♪ We don't have to try Something new ♪

♪ Girl, I really don't care ♪

♪ As long as I'm with you

♪ Baby, Let's just take a drive ♪

♪ It's already getting late

♪ Let's go kiss Till sundown ♪

♪ Out on the interstate

["Interstate" by Randy Rogers Band playing]

♪ Out on the interstate

♪