Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Sarah Millican.

[cheering]

Aw. Thank you. [chuckles]

Thanks.

Aw. How lovely.

Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. How are you? Are you well?

[audience] Yeah!

Excellent. Thanks for coming to my show.

This is quite a long tour for me.

And I'm a little bit nervous, 'cause I have a habit of buying trinkets wherever I go,

sort of mementos.

I'm nervous that by the end of the tour, I might need a fuckin' extension.

[laughing]On the last tour, we were in Edinburgh,

and I bought a cup, a really nice little cup.

And the cup, it said, "I'd rather be in Edinburgh."

Quite smug, but I liked it.

It was perfect for drinking out of when I was in actual Edinburgh.

But when you take that home and you sit beside your husband and drink out of it,

that's a very different message, isn't it?

It's quite passive-aggressive now.

Now it's, "Oh, I'd rather be in Edinburgh."

And it made me wonder if that's the slowest way you could break up with somebody.

Just buy all of the cups from all of the different places,

and then, the last one, if he still hasn't taken the hint,

just write on it, in a Sharpie, "Anywhere you're fuckin' not."

I'm glad you're here and you're well. I'm also well.

I had a migraine a few weeks ago.

I don't get them often, but I do get them every now and again.

And I thought I'll ask people on Twitter

how they get rid of their migraines.

-Give a cheer if you are on Twitter. -[cheering]

Quite a few. I got the usual expected responses.

My favorite one came up, and it said, "Two Nurofen and a wank."

[laughing]

And it totally worked.[laughing]

If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.

Thanks @bootsthechemist.

We do a lot of driving in this job.

Something I've noticed increasingly more often--

and maybe the drivers can vouch for this--

every now and again, by the side of the road, I'll see a bottle of wee.

Have you seen this?

What I'm assuming has happened is a man--

I'm assuming it's a man-- has been caught short,

and instead of using one of the many facilities en route,

has chosen to relieve himself into an empty bottle of Coke,

empty bottle of water that's he had in the car

and then just casually fling it out of the window.

I say I assume it's a man. I know it's a man, 'cause women can't do it.

And I know women can't do it 'cause I've tried.

[laughing]

Twin jets.

[laughing]

Just goes all over your hand.[laughing]

If you want half of it to go up your fuckin' cardi sleeve, go for your life.

[laughing]

But even if I could do it, I don't think I'd litter it.

I think I'd save it for the next garage,

and I'd pour it down the toilet like a civilized person.

But knowing my luck, I'd get caught by the fella on the till.

He'd be like, "Where you goin' with that bottle of Lucozade?"

I'd end up having to pay for it.

And then just to throw him completely off the scent,

I'd have a playful swig on the way back to the car.

[chuckles]

"And how did you open that Mars bar so quickly?"

Oh, that's a lovely, like, "No."

I moved to the countryside a couple of years ago.

I think it's a countryside. I don't know for sure.

The reason I think it's a countryside is that every now and again,

outside smells of shit.

[laughing]

That's how you know, isn't it?

It's quite a well-to-do area we've moved to,

in which we do not belong in the slightest.

It's well-to-do, 'cause I said to me husband, "It's chilly in here."

And he said, "Shall we turn the floor up?" That's not right, is it?

And about ten minutes later, I said, "Look. The cats are dancin'."

He said, "Oh, bugger. Turn it down."

But presumably, you all know that if I was in Downton Abbey,

you all know I'd be downstairs, yes?

Yes. Good. No, I'm glad.

It made it all the more weird when a man buzzed the buzzer,

and I answered, "Hello," and he said, "Are you the lady of the house?"

And I thought, "I don't know."

And I said to him, "I'm a lady in a house, if that helps you, flower."

Then he spent the next ten minutes

trying to sell me stuff off the back of his van.

It took me two of those minutes to realize that a nursery could also sell plants.

I was thinking, "Where the fuck have I moved to

where they're going door-to-door selling bairns off the back of a van?"

I'm not very decadent. I'm not flashy at all.

Having said that, I do regularly have three jars of jam all on the go at the same time.

There's no need for that, is there?

They're all strawberry. Makes no fucking sense at all.

But I'm just the same as you.

The first thing I do in the morning is exactly what you do.

First thing I do in the morning, I set the staff to work.

No, that's what I call it when I put the washing machine,

the tumble dryer and the dishwasher all on at the same time.

And I think, "Well, they're all working. I'm gonna have a biscuit."

There's a few looking at me like, "Have you got staff?"

No, I've just explained. And don't worry. They're all white.

It's not just the two of us. We've got two cats and a dog.

I would say that the cats are adorable, but I would be lying.

One of the cats, Ripley, a little girl cat,

hasn't got a bad bone in her body; she's incredibly sweet.

Brody, boy cat, 70% adorable, 30% bit of a twat really.

We took them-- and you can't judge me on this, even though you're going to.

We took them to see a cat behaviorist.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

[laughing]

But the best thing about going to see a cat behaviorist

is that for £30 I could talk to a lady about my cats for an hour

and she couldn't leave.

But as soon as we finished with her, we needed to go and see the vet,

'cause Brody, the one that's a twat, needed an injection.

I knew the vet was going to put him on the scale

and say that he's a bit overweight.

He is a bit overweight. We're all a bit overweight in our house.

But if we stand in a line, you can't tell. That's how perspective works.

But what we thought would happen happened.

The vet put him on this scale and said he was overweight.

The words had barely escaped the vet's mouth when Brody just bit him.

I thought, "Good on ya, son. You bite the fuckin' hand that doesn't feed ya."

But the cats do sometimes chase each other around. It can look a little aggressive.

So every now and again we try and distract them, sort of break that up.

We use a laser pen. You will have seen these.

The cats will be chasing each other round,

then one or both of them will become transfixed by a little red dot

that has appeared on the ceiling or the walls or the floor.

And it's so effective that we've started using it in our own relationship.

So I'll be saying something like,

"All I want you to do when you're finished with your wet towels

is put them in the fucking-- Ooh. Ooh. Ooh."

[laughing]

But we have become very cavalier about noises in the house.

-Give us a "whoo" if you are a cat owner. -[audience] Whoo!

Every single time we hear a noise in the house, we just dismiss it as the cats.

"Ah, that'll be the cats." Could be fuckin' anything.

You know those people who think they've got a poltergeist?

What if they've just forgotten they've got a cat?

And Derek Acorah comes round the next day with his camera crew and says,

"Tell me all about your poltergeist."

And you go, "First of all, it pushed that lamp off that shelf.

Then it did a poo in that little tray."

But whenever you introduce a new cat into a household that already has a cat,

there's always a bit of aggro while they work out the hierarchy,

then it settles down.

The day I knew our two were gonna be okay with each other

was the day that I walked into our bedroom

and they were lying on the bed like that.

They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.

And I climbed on behind them. Big Mama Spoon's getting on.

[laughing]

I'll be the ladle. I don't know what that means.

And for about two minutes, it was utter perfection.

And then Brody leaned over to Ripley, just started licking her arsehole.

I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for this bit.

But she was brilliant. She was lying with her legs shut like that.

As soon as he started lickin' her arsehole, she went, "Ah, that's lovely."

But a friend of mine who's also a cat owner offered some advice.

She said there was a way you can bond with your cat.

I thought that's worth a try with Brody, 'cause we don't always get on.

Some cat owners might already be aware of this.

To bond with your cat, you wait till your cat's all settled,

you know, when they've got all their legs underneath them,

and they look a bit like a chicken, like that.

And you catch their eye and you do a slow blink at them.

And if they do a slow blink back at you, then you've bonded.

You've connected. I thought it's worth a try.

I waited until Brody was all settled,

had all his legs underneath him, looked like a chicken.

Tried to catch his eye, which was tricky, 'cause he doesn't really like me.

So he just kept looking away.

Eventually caught his eye, and I did a slow blink at him.

And when I opened me eyes, he'd gone.

[laughing]

It's not just the cats. We've got a dog now as well, slightly over a year ago.

He's a rescue dog, and he is genuinely the light of my life. He really is.

He was in kennels for a year while his owner was ill,

then sadly his owner passed away,

and he was moved across to the Dogs Trust, where we got him from.

And I realized only recently that every now and again I'll say a sentence to him

that I've definitely said before, just not to a dog.

The first one I noticed, I was stroking him, and he was clearly enjoying it,

and I said, "Ah, you like that, don't you?"

[laughing]

And the most recent one was when I said to him,

"Okay, okay, you can lick me fingers when I've finished."[laughing]

But the first time we went to the Dogs Trust, he hadn't arrived yet.

We didn't even know he existed at this point. We just went for a visit.

And the branch we chose happened to be quite new,

one that was quite posh and shiny inside.

There was sort of glass enclosure after glass enclosure,

all the way along, and it felt really familiar to me.

But I'd never been in any dogs home, let alone that specific one,

so it was odd that it felt so familiar.

Even when I got home, I was still niggling.

And then I realized, I twigged.

It's because I've been to Amsterdam. Huh.[laughing]

So the first one was a dog on its own.

Then the second one was two dogs together, probably a bit more expensive.

And then a dog playing with "some toys."

And then a dog sucking a cock.

I mean, it was his own, but I think it still counts. Yes? Yes.

But I like to sing to the dog. I sing to the dog quite a lot.

I went through a weird period of my life. I didn't really sing very much.

My ex-husband didn't like my singing,

and he used to say, "That sounds awful. Please stop."

So I just gradually didn't sing.

And I realize this sounds like one of those sob stories

they do on The Voice or X Factor,doesn't it?

"Oh, and all of me nanas are dead." One of those.

I mean, all me nanas aredead, but I'm 41. That's sort of how it works.

Unless you've got a family of slags.

[laughing]Oh.

Some of you have.

Sorry about that.

Forgot where I was for a second.

And, uh-- Ooh.

But about a year after that relationship ended,

I caught myself singing in the shower,

and I thought, "That's back, that's nice, that's good."

Certain songs I can't sing to him.

He finds them very confusing. I'll give you an example.

A lot of you are my sort of age, maybe a little bit older.

So you might know the song by Showaddywaddy.

-"Under the Moon of Love"? -[cheering]

Okay. This is a song that I used to sing to him.

But there's a point that he gets very confused. I'll show you what I mean.

So this is him walking.

So I go, ♪ Let's go for a little walk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

♪ Let's sit--♪ Huh?

He's been so well trained by his previous owner.

Every time I said the word "sit,"

he would stop dead and look at me like, "What now?"

Other songs I can't sing. Quite a few of them.

"Walk This Way." "Walk Like an Egyptian."

"These Boots are Made for Walking." "Parklife." That fucks him up.

"Stay Another Day" by East 17, 'cause he will not fuckin' move.

And Michael Jackson's "Heal the World."

Mostly 'cause he just finds it really touching.

We got some dog books. Never had a dog before.

So we thought we should learn how to look after dogs.

But the dog books don't teach you everything. They just tell you the basics.

You have to learn a lot on your own.

Some of the things we learnt include,

I knew that when he did a poo, I had to pick it up and bag it.

I've just realized I mean that the other way round.

[laughing]

[applause]

[gags]

I meant bag it and pick it up. Clearly, that's what I meant.

I've seen people do that in the park. I know how the world works.

I also knew when I picked it up, it would smell.

It's a shit. I'm not a fucking idiot.

But what I was not prepared for was the heat.

[laughing]

It was quite a mixed emotion for me,

'cause half of me is dry retching at the warmth in my hand,

and the other half was reminded what it's like

when you get a pasty that's just right from Greggs.

[laughing]

Second thing I didn't learn-- If you're on your dog walk and you've got a full poo bag,

'cause you haven't found a bin yet,

keep the full poo bag in the same hand as the dog lead.

It's very important to have a spare hand at all times. I learnt this the hard way.

Walking along with a full poo-bag in one hand, a dog lead in the other,

and then me glasses started to slide down me nose.

[laughing]

Nobody needs a turd to clonk off their cheek, do they?

[laughing]

And the third thing I didn't learn--

I knew one of his jobs, his tasks,

was to keep his bits and bobs nice and clean.

You know, let's call it "his gentleman's area."

I knew that was one of his jobs-- keep them nice and clean.

I did not know how regularly he would do it--[laughing]

how thoroughly he would do it,

or how fucking loudly he would do it.

[laughing]

Until I got a dog, I had no idea what it sounds like

when a cock's being sucked over there.

[laughing]

He had a few accidents when we first got him.

We think he'd forgotten some of his house-training.

It's entirely expected, being in kennels for so long.

We had a few wees and poos in the house.

We just cleaned them up as we were retraining him.

One day I had a horrible thought, and I said to me husband,

"What do we do if he has diarrhea in the house?"

And my husband had a little think and he said,

"Sort of depends which room it is,

'cause maybe we could just shut a door."

[laughing]

I love the idea of people coming round, "I thought you had a spare room."

"No, we've never had a spare room.

That's just a big cupboard full of fuckin' shite."

But the dog's tail, when we got him, was entirely bald.

It looked like a rat's tail, and we didn't know why.

Is it 'cause he's a crossbreed and that's what they're like?

It can be stressful for dogs to be in kennels for that length of time.

But six or seven months later, it became apparent what it had been,

because by then it had fully grown in.

It looks like an excellent feather duster now.

We made fur with love. Isn't that nice?

I'm going to stop worrying so much about me 'tache now.

[laughing]

Clearly I'm just loved.

My toes are really fuckin' loved.

One of my friends said to me, "You know you talk about having hairy toes?"

I said, "Yeah." She said, "You just mean the two big ones, don't you?"

I said, "Okay." [forced laughter]

[laughing]

No. No.

[laughing]

No. It goes all the way along.

Sometimes the little toe has more hair than fuckin' nail.

[laughing]

You are welcome for that visual image I've just given you all.

Take that home, pop that in your wank banks for laters.

[laughing]

We took the dog to the vet early on.

The vet said, "He's a bit underweight."

I had the vet say that word a couple more times, 'cause I'd not heard it before.

[laughing]

The vet said, "You can fatten him up." I thought, good.

'Cause we're smashin' at that at our house.

And then I thought, when we stand in line, then he'll blend in.

We clearly do that a lot, like the fuckin' Von Trapps.[laughing]

The vet said, "Don't worry if he's even overweight." I said, "Is that okay?"

He said, "Yeah, because if he's ever ill,

he's got a little bit of weight he can afford to lose."

And the vet referred to it as "padding against illness."

I said, "How come no doctor's ever suggested this to me?"

I reckon I could have six weeks of sickness and diarrhea

and still not be able to get in anything in Topshop.

[laughing]

The dog didn't know how to play when we got him. It was very sad to see.

We'd throw a ball. He didn't understand.

We got all sorts of toys. He didn't get any of it. It was sad.

Then one day my husband was getting ready for bed,

and as he pulled off one of his socks,

the dog jumped up and grabbed it, and they had a little game.

It was so nice to see the dog play.

On further investigation, we've discovered that the dog doesn't like clean socks.

Only likes the ones my husband refers to as "meaty."

[laughing]

Also he doesn't like my socks, which I suppose is a compliment,

'cause it means they're not very meaty,

but I was still quite hurt by that.

But I'm nothing if not competitive in love,

and I thought, "What could I throw at him that'd be worse than socks?"

[laughing]

I love how quick you are.

[laughing]

And I did exactly what you think I did.

[laughing]

I throw my pants at him, and he fucking loves it.

He runs around with them on his head like he's scored a goal.

[laughing]I've always been a big animal lover.

This is the first time I've had a garden as an adult.

I was quite a grubby child. I used to pick up worms and plant seeds.

When we first moved in, we decided we were going to try and encourage

as much wildlife into the garden as possible.

We did a number of things. The first thing we did we got a bird table.

We put various things on the bird table.

We put fat balls on it. Fat balls.

I just really like saying it. Fat balls.

Say it after three. One, two, three.

[all] Fat balls!

Sounds a bit like an old nickname of an ex-boyfriend, doesn't it?

"Never guess who I saw down Asda's on Tuesday. Fuckin' Fat Balls."

[laughing]

We put fat balls on it. We also put nut bags on it, which was his other nickname.

[laughing]

Within a couple of days, we had all sorts of birds on there.

Robins, which surprised me.

I genuinely had no idea that robins were a year-round bird.

I thought they rocked up late October,

did a couple of photo shoots for the Christmas cards and then just fucked off.

Got the bird table, got a pond put in

to encourage some insects and maybe some frogs and things like that.

The first wildlife we found in the pond is not what we'd hoped for or expected.

It was just a rabbit facedown, floating, dead.

[laughing]

I was as upset as you are. I was absolutely distraught.

I said to my husband, "Did we cause this?" He said, "How could we?"

I said, "Well, was the rabbit running along going,

'‘There's normally grass here. There's normally grass here.

Ah, shit.'"

And my husband, quick as a flash, went,

"No, no, rabbits are really good swimmers."

I said, "That's not a fact. I've not heard that before. That's not a fact."

I said, "Are you telling me this,

the same way me dad told me mam that mice can't climb stairs?"

[laughing]

'Cause they fuckin' can.

[laughing]But I was so upset.

In order to cheer me up, we had a couple of games of swing ball.

If you're too young to know what swing ball is,

it was a very early computer game.

[laughing]

It worked. It cheered me up.

If that's what I have to do when I see a dead rabbit, I hope I never see a dead body.

I'll have to hire a bouncy castle.

So we got the pond, the bird table.

We started to buy carrots for the wild rabbits,

'cause we just felt bad that we'd killed one of their family.

The last thing we did, we got hedgehog food.

You have to buy specific hedgehog food these days.

Back in the '80s, you could just give them bread and milk,

but now they're all "gluten intolerant" or something.

[laughing]

So we put these kinds of food out into the garden,

and within three months the garden was teeming with active life.

It was absolutely glorious.

But I still wasn't happy. The grubby child in me was not satisfied.

So I got all of those different kinds of foods,

and I put them all at the front door

to try and encourage animals to come closer to the house.

And it worked, because now whenever I'm at home and I sing,

birds sit on my hands.

[laughing]

I don't have to do the dishes anymore, 'cause the rabbits do those.

[laughing]They pass them across to the squirrels

who dry them with their big fluffy tails.

One time an old lady came to the front door,

and she offered me an apple, and I told her to fuck off.

I like to think two or three people in this room who've never seen Snow White

are like, "What the fuck is happening right now?"

[laughing]

I've got a question for you. Only join in if you want to.

We'll have fun. I'm not here to be mean to anybody. We'll have a laugh.

I'll ask you the question, then I'll buy you a bit of thinking time.

That's probably a good idea. The question is this.

I would like you to tell me what's the best thing you've ever seen in nature.

To buy you a bit of thinking time,

I'll tell you the three things that freak me out about living in the countryside.

The first thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside.

You know pheasants. You know pheasants? Yeah.

I don't know if you know, but there's two makes of them.

There's the one we all know.

Then there's another one that's upright and running around and alive.

[laughing]

Second thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside:

I can't always tell if it's an owl hooting or my husband's asthma.

[laughing]

I woke him up one night 'cause I thought I could hear an owl, and it stopped.

[hooting]

Either that or a very distant ambulance.

[laughing]

And a third thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside

is that I sometimes forget that the television is reflected in the conservatory,

and I think Eamonn Holmes is in the garden.

[laughing]

I mean, he's a lovely man, but he was not fuckin' invited.

Probably the easiest way to chat to you guys

is to break you up into upstairs and downstairs, as you already are.

Anybody in the upstairs section, give us a "whoo" if you've seen something good in nature.

Whoo!

Oh, quite a few. Okay. One over here. There's a group of you over here.

Any of you guys who whoo'd over here, shout out what you saw.

[man] A whale.

[audience laughing]

You saw a whale? Do you know what kind of whale?

A minke.

A minke whale?

[laughing]

Uh, is that a thing? Yes? Okay. Thanks.

Lady there very confidently went, "Yes, you fucking idiot. Yes."

[laughing]

I know some ladies call their-- that their minke, so...

[laughing]

I genuinely didn't know if that was a heckle or not.[laughing]

"You minke whale."[laughing]

I thought it was just posh for "fat cunt." I really did.

Where did you see the minke whale?

If she says, "On the stage," I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Where did you see it, my love?

In the English Channel.

In the English Channel.

Is it not a very big whale?

Like--Three meters long.

Meters?Yeah.

Forty-one. Can you do it in foot, love?

How many feet? Does anybody know how much three meters is in feet?

[man] Ten.Ten. Thank you. Look at that.

There's no prizes, but if there was, you'd get one.

Ten. That's still quite big then.

Were you on a boat? In the water? What was the situation?

On a boat.On a boat. So it wasn't too scary. Good.

Thank you for your... minke whale.

[laughing]

Give us another "whoo" upstairs if you've got an answer.

[man] Whoo!Yep. One over here. Give us a wave.

Oh, there you are. What did you see?

Once, on safari in South Africa,

we saw a family of elephants surround our safari vehicle.

Wow. Okay, first of all, I love that you told a story.

[laughing]No, no, no.

Because sometimes people will shout out the whole story in one.

One guy just shouted out, "Three dogs fuckin' in a row."

[laughing]What?

And then other people go, "It was a lovely day.

I was wearing my favorite blouse."

You're like, "Come on. Move it along."

So you were on safari. Where did you say you were on safari?

South Africa.In South Africa?

A family of elephants surrounded your safari vehicle?Yeah.

In a menacing way? Or in like a "hi" kind of way? Were you scared?

-It was... very thrilling. -"Thrilling."

Was it so thrilling you shat your pants?

[laughs] I think I would've shat my pants, but I've got IBS.

I might be doing it now. Who knows?

[laughing]

Thank you very much. Great story, flower. Thank you.

Let's do downstairs. Give us a "whoo" if you've seen something good in nature.

Whoo!In the back, someone waving their hand. What did you see?

[man] A Bengal eagle owl.A Bengal eagle owl.

[softly] That's two different things, isn't it?

[laughing]

Was it an eagle, or was it an owl?

[laughing]

Make your mind up, flower.

That's presumably a kind of owl, as opposed to a kind of eagle.

So it's an eagle-flavored owl.

[laughing]

Where did you see that, love?

It was in a bird sanctuary.

-It was in a bird sanctuary? Is that nature? -[laughing]

If they're technically in prison, is that nature?

[laughing]

How big is it? Show us with your hands.

About that? That's a decent size.

Were you in the enclosure with it

or just watching through the prison bars?

Was it exciting to see?I was holding it.

You were holdin' it? With, like, one of them oven gloves on?

One of them? They do that.

I'm gonna google that. I'd like to see what that looks like.

It sounds magnificent. Thanks very much, love. Anybody else downstairs?

-What about over here? Anybody over here? -Whoo!

Right at the front. What did you see, love?

[man] A baby dolphin.Baby dolphin.

-Aw. Where were you when you saw the baby dolphin? -In Jamaica on our honeymoon.

Oh, on your honeymoon. In Jamaica. How lovely.

And was the baby dolphin with other dolphins?

Yeah, they-- I was diving.You were diving?

Yeah, we were diving, and it appeared purely by chance.

They were taking it out to sea for the first time, the family.

Somebody over here is laughing, because--

because he was on his honeymoon and he was "diving."

-That's what you're laughing at, isn't it? -[laughing]

All of the rest of you were being really respectful and listening,

and she's, like, "Argh, fannies. Argh."

To be fair, it's what you've come to expect from me onstage.

Fair enough. I get it.

So the baby one was being taken back out--

Out to sea, yeah.Out to sea?

Like, not just-- Like, with its family though?

-Yeah, yeah. -Not just, "Ah, fuck off. Move out.

You're a fuckin' drain. You don't pay any board. No."

And how big is a baby dolphin? I don't know.

I don't know. I suppose about that big.About that?

Are they as smiley as they look on the television? I've never seen a dolphin.

I was too busy shittin' myself.You were too busy shittin' yourself.

But isn't that good for the wet suit?

Oh, no, that's wee, isn't it?

They don't tell you to shit yourself in a wet suit, do they?

"If you can get some, like, diarrhea going, uh--"

[laughing]"It really keeps you lovely and warm.

Just don't let it come out the cuffs or the neck."

Anybody else downstairs?Whoo!

Lady with a nice-- with a lovely lipstick on. Hello.

Oh, look. She went like this, "Oh, me." What did you see, my love?

A seagull nickin' my best mate's Nando's.

A seagull nickin' your best mate's Nando's.

And we come right crashing back down to Brighton, don't we?[laughing]

[applause]

I liked that. Thank you.

There was a lady recently said that she had a bird table,

and it was constantly being--

The squirrel family were constantly eating everything off the bird table

and chasing the birds away, which was upsetting her.

So what she did, in her brilliance,

she buttered the bird table.

[laughing]

For the rest of the week,

she just watched some squirrels pole dance.[laughing]

We had one man who'd seen a baby owl in the road,

and he pulled over and he decided it was poorly, not dead,

and decided he was gonna take it home

and take it somewhere to look after it.

So he balanced it on his lap for warmth while he was driving.

It started to come round, so he put it, smartly,

moved it across to the passenger seat.

And then it fully came round,

and he realized in that split second that he had a live owl

in an enclosed space.

[laughing]

And it continued to lacerate his face and arms

to the point where he had to open the window and just throw the fuckin' thing out.

[laughing]

But I asked this question in Canada.

I was working in Canada and I did a show there,

and I'd sort of casually forgotten

they'd have an entirely different set of wildlife.

One lady, a really posh lady, she said,

"Uh, kayaking with a pod of orca."

I said, "There are six words in that sentence,

and I don't know what three of them are."

[laughing]

One lady said that her dog was barking.

She went downstairs to see what her dog was barking at,

and in her kitchen was a fully grown grizzly bear.

[laughing]I know. It had just let itself in her back door.

Not like that. That sounded bad. Not like that.[laughing]

Like that. Not like, "Whoo."

Don't know what the mime is.

One of my favorite ones, we were in Leeds a few months ago

and I said, "What's the best thing you've seen in nature?"

And a lady shouted out, "A Dalmatian."

And I thought, bless her. She's not really understood the question.

And then she said, "Humping a pony."

I was like, "There you go. There's your story."[laughing]

I said, "Where did you see that?" She said, "Blackpool Pleasure Beach."

[laughing]

I said, "Did you watch it for very long?"

-She said, "No, not long. I was on a roller coaster." -[laughing]

"Aaah! What the fuck's happening down there?"

Ahhh.

One of the main differences I noticed when I moved to the countryside,

having lived in the city center for so long,

is that power cuts last a lot longer.

So the first power cut we had in the countryside lasted 26 hours.

I'd never experienced anything like that before.

And we realized by 6:00 p.m. the power wasn't gonna come back on,

so we just prepared for a night without it.

Now, luckily, my husband is quite a Bear Grylls.

[man] Whoo, whoo!I know.

So he went foragin' for curry.

But before he left he said, "Don't waste the battery power on the torches."

I said, "Okay." He said, "Just light a few candles."

Now, I'm not a very girlie girl,

so candles are never something I would especially buy for myself,

but, luckily, I've got loads of friends who don't know me at all.

I've got shitloads of scented candles.

I lit a few, and by the time my husband came back in,

I was relaxed, horny and excited for Christmas.

Something else I acquired that I would never buy for myself is sticks in a jar.

Have you seen this? Sticks in a jar?

Does anybody know what the proper name is?

[man shouts]

Reed diffuser. A few of you shouted out. Thank you.

It's just a jar that has perfume in it,

and the reeds carry the perfume up, made the room smell nice.

I didn't know this when this was given to me as a present.

It reminded me a lot of the incense sticks

that my friend had had when I visited her at university,

so I nearly lit the fucking thing.

[laughing]

I almost accidentally created a Jo Malone Molotov cocktail.

There's a few girlie things I can't really partake in.

I can't, for example, have anything in the bath that isn't me or the water.

I can't have bath bombs, bath oil, bubble bath, bath salts.

Can't have those things.

If I have any of those things, it makes down there... raw.

[laughing]

And I mean both spellings. Like R-A-W,

sort of red and angry and shiny,

and also just "Narrh!"

"Marrh!"

I'm pretty sure that's what the Katy Perry song is about.

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh♪

[laughing]

It's like that old pub joke. You know that old pub joke? You'll know this.

Two monkeys in the bath. One goes, "Ooh-ooh-ooh."

The other one goes, "Sorry. I forgot you had a really sensitive vagina."

Do you know that one?[laughing]

But that sentence-- If you say, "I've got a really sensitive vagina,"

I meant that in a practical way just then.

But you could also say that at kind of sexy time.

You've gotta be careful of sentences that on paper look the same.

Here's another one. You've gotta be careful.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

I've got a touch of thrush and I'm trying to get a bit of air round.

[laughing]

But I've got a friend in her 60s,

and she said, "I used to be like you with the bath bombs."

"Used to be? What's changed?" "When you get to my age,

you can have whatever you like in the bath,

'cause it's all dead down there."[laughing]

That is a small upside to a big downside, isn't it?

"I have no feeling whatsoever in my vagina,

but finally I get to go to Lush."

[laughing]

A long time ago, I was reading one of those books.

Those books that are ostensibly a romance

but have a couple of pages of filth-- they're smashing.

I was reading, and in one of the pages of filth,

the lady of the book poured some champagne on herself.

And the man of the book drank the champagne off her.

Me and my boyfriend at the time said we were going to have a go at this.

We couldn't afford champagne, so we bought some Lambrusco.

[laughing]

I had forgotten that the lady in the book was lying flat.

I was sitting upright. I just poured it on. It ran straight in.

Smarted like a motherfucker.

[laughing]

I told that story to a friend of mine recently,

and she said, "Is that why you don't drink?"

[laughing]

No. Not once when somebody's asked me why don't I drink,

have I answered, "Because it hurts me fanny."

[laughing]

"Aye, you're doing it wrong then."[laughing]

"You don't have to take the cork out like that."

[laughing]

It was a screw cap. Imagine the skills I'd need for a screw cap.

But I had to talk to one of my neighbors recently.

Wasn't planning on doing that for sort of... ever, really.

-Give us a cheer if you talk to your neighbors. -[cheering]

Give us a cheer if you don't.[cheering]

I had to talk to my neighbor because we share a septic tank.

If you don't know what a septic tank is,

the fact that my neighbor refers to it as "a sewerage tank"

should give you a good indication of what's in it.

I've never seen the septic tank. It's on her side of the fence.

I imagine they're in the ground. Is that right? Does anybody know?

Yes!I didn't know that.

In my mind, I'd pictured it a skip on her drive with a lid on.

[laughing]

So when she came round to tell me it was "nearly full"--

[mimics gagging]

Because my neighbor is quite little,

I pictured her lifting the lid on her tippy toes.

"Aw, her IBS is playing up again, Gerald."

[laughing]

"Push that one back in. It's bobbing out."

[laughing]

I do have IBS. Irritable bowel syndrome.

I also have PCOS. Polycystic ovarian syndrome.

I put those collection of letters at the end of my name, pretend I went to university.

[laughing]

So people think that I'm educated

rather than regularly shitting my barren self.

[laughing]

One of my friends said to me, "I can't always tell if you're about to tell me a secret

or you're sneaking out a fart."

[laughing]

I said, "I've got no secrets."

[laughing]

"It's all farts."

What you do find, though, if you have IBS and you're having a bad bout of IBS,

your farts are so horrific that if you do one in a room where there are other people,

you don't get the traditional response of people muttering to each other.

"Has somebody just..." "Can you smell..." "Has somebody just..."

That's not what happens.

What happens is somebody puts their hand on your arm

and says, "Are you all right?"

I went for a walk a couple of months ago with a friend of mine.

Lovely walk we were having, but I had really bad guts that day.

Really bad. And I did a fart, and I knew it was a bad one, 'cause it was hot.

[laughing]

And I thought I'd got away with it,

but then my friend sort of looked up and sniffed at the same time.

[laughing]

Like a quizzical Bisto kid.[laughing]

And then she looked at me and she went, "Are we near a zoo?"

-I had piles once, and, uh--- -[laughing]

I think most families have an area of medical expertise, you know?

So maybe you've all got bad backs,

so you know the tablets to take, the exercises to do.

With my family it's arseholes.

They're lovely people, but, wow, they are good with the bowel.

The day I realized I had piles, I rang my dad,

'cause he's my arsehole phone-a-friend.

[laughing]

I told him what was going on, and he said, "Right."

And I thought, this is what dads do.

That's what they say before they fix things. "Right."

And he went, "What you need-- baths as hot as you can stand them,

Anusol cream on the rest of the time."

I said thank you and hung up. I rang him back 20 minutes later.

I said, "I'm having trouble." He said, "What kind of trouble?"

I said, "I cannot really see what I'm doing." "I don't know what you mean."

I said, "I'm not supple enough to do it that way,

and I've got too much here to be able to get access through there."

And he went, "Right." And I thought, again, he's gonna fix it.

He said, "What you need is one of those mirrors

that the police use for looking for bombs under cars."

[applause]

The day that I realized I had piles I was meeting a friend for lunch.

I'm so rubbish at keeping secrets that she'd barely said hello,

and I just blurted it out, "I've got piles."

Her response is the best response you can ever hope for

if that happens to you.

I went, "I've got piles," and she went, "So have I."

And we high-tenned and went in the pub.[laughing]

I was shopping with a friend of mine a few months ago.

It was a bit chilly out, so we decided to get some takeaway teas

to carry around with us as we went.

We went into this café. We stood in a queue.

The man behind me in the queue, I knew.

Not very well but enough to say hello to.

And he offered to buy my tea for me.

I was immediately transported back to my sort of 18-year-old self.

My mum had ingrained in me

to never accept a drink off somebody you don't know well, especially a man,

because he'll probably want something in return.

So I immediately went back with a very aggressive "no."

And then I thought, "Maybe I'm being a bit unfair.

Maybe it's a different situation."

Me 18 in a nightclub, me 41 in a café with me friend.

It's daylight. We're getting teas, taking them away. Maybe this is different.

But when he offered again, "Let me buy your tea for you,"

all I could think of was, "What's he gonna want in return?"

And then I thought, it's £1.70. Probably just a flick of the end.

And he's a nice man. He's quite sincere.

And he said to me, "For all of the joy that you bring people,

let me buy your tea for you."

[audience] Aw.

And I said, "Just a tea? Just a fuckin' tea?

All the joy? All the fuckin' joy?"

So I got a muffin as well.[laughing]

Flick, flick. Hmm.

I had to go to the doctor's. I had a sore throat.

My doctor said, "I'm going to send you to see an ear, nose and throat specialist."

I said okay. Off I go to see this fella. Lovely fella he was.

He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?" I said, "No."

Then when I got home, I thought, "I should've said yes."

'Cause I realized that my husband and I eat so many Rennies

that we call them "bathroom sweets."

He said to me, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."

I said, "After every meal or every time I've eaten?"

'Cause those two are very different numbers.

He said, "Ideally, I'd like to put a camera down your throat to see what we're dealing with."

I said okay. I thought this is where he sends me away,

I come back in six months with a new appointment, and he went, "No, we can do that now."

Oh, shit!

So he came out with this contraption.

Metal like this and like this.

It's very rigid. None of it moves.

So I have to move because it won't move.

And he puts it down my throat and I instantly gagged. [gags]

And he pulled it out and said,

"Are you gonna be okay with this?" And I said, "Yes!"

And he put it back in. [gags] Again.

I was mortified. He said, "Do me a favor.

The next time you think you're gonna gag, do this."

♪ Eeeeee♪

I said, "Why?" He said, "It stops you gagging."

And I thought, "Noted."

[laughing]

My husband's gonna think he's being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.

[laughing]

Who knows, someday he might be.

No, I mean that we'll be pensioners, I don't mean, like, for a present.

"Come on in, Doris. He's ready for his gift now."

♪ Happy birthday to...♪

♪ Eeeeee♪

I've been trying to think of different things I've done since the last time I was on tour,

and one of those things is that I got married, and--[whooping]

-Oh, thanks. -[cheering, applause]

There's obviously loads of things I love about my husband.

One of the things I love about my husband

is that one time, when he went food shopping,

he came home with 18 tins of custard.

Now, who doesn't love that? But I did question the amount.

I said, "Why 18 tins?"

He said there was an offer on. He fuckin' loves a bargain.

I said, "What was the offer?" He said, "Buy one, get one free."

I said, "Still, why nine tins?"

I only had one banana.

I didn't want to eat it on its own, 'cause then it's fruit, not pudding.

That's no good, is it?

But I chose to see it a different way. I thought maybe this is a longevity thing.

Maybe he thinks we're gonna be together a long time-- 18 tins of custard long.

Turns out 18 tins of custard only lasts a fortnight.

[laughing]

Another thing I love about him is that he is as good with children as I am,

which is not at all.

We don't have many friends who have kids, 'cause mostly we try and shake them off.

I'm sure you've got kids, and I'm sure they're smashin',

but I'm glad you've left them at fuckin' home.

Presumably, so are you.

My husband has a friend--

They've been friends since they were teenagers,

and this particular friend has a little boy who's that sort of age.

I'm gonna say five, but it's very much a guess.

And this little boy is always there every time my husband visits his friend,

'cause he hasn't got a job or anything yet.

Um...[laughing]

And the last time my husband visited his friend, the little boy said to him,

"Will you read my book, please?"

So polite. So polite. My husband said, "Of course. Of course I will."

So the little boy handed his book to my husband,

and my husband read the book in his head.

This is how shit we are with kids!

Just silently flicked through the pages.

Passed it back to the little boy.

I said, "Do you think that little boy was giving you a recommendation?"

We were on a train, my husband and I, quite recently, sitting opposite each other.

Very busy train, very packed with loads of people.

I needed to tell him something, but I didn't want to say it out loud with people around.

I thought I'd try and say it with me face, not use any words.

Get the message across a different way.

We've only been married for two years, but we've been together for ten.

Give us a cheer if you're in a long-term relationship.

Whoo!

So you'll know especially well

that you can often get a message across with just your face, can't you?

I thought that's what I'm gonna do.

The thing I needed to tell him was that I was feeling a bit horny.

Hence not wanting to say that out loud.

I'm gonna use me face. I'm gonna do the face that I did for him for you.

I haven't figured out how to make it work in as wide a room as this.

Upstairs and at the back, you'll be fine, but on the edge, you might struggle to see.

Apologies in advance, but for the rest of you, this is the face I did to my husband

on a busy train to let him know that I was feeling a bit horny.

Arrr! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Oo-ah, oo-ah, oo-ah, oo-ah!

Sorry if you didn't see it there. Sorry if you didn't see.

It's quite subtle. She's doing this. "Duh?"

[applause]

My husband got it straightaway, 'cause we've got a really deep connection.

[laughing]

I was gonna say I've got bad self-esteem. That's not true.

I've got bad body image. Very different thing.

My self-esteem is fine, 'cause I think I'm good at things.

I think I'm a good person, a good friend, and I think I'm pretty good at my job.

But also I've got skills. I can peel a satsuma while I'm driving a car.

I can draw a passable budgie.

And I can do a horn noise with my mouth like this.

[tooting noise] Like that.

[laughing]

[tooting]

[applause]

Self-esteem is fine.

Body image is bad. Always has been.

It's all of this that I don't like and never have.

To give you an idea of how bad it is, I was asked to do a photo shoot for a magazine.

A magazine with a degree of kudos.

They had an impressive photographer at the ready.

They had wardrobe, hair, makeup, all that sort of stuff.

And they said to me, "We can do anything you like."

And I turned it down because I couldn't think of any way that they could make me look nice.

[audience] Aw.I've been trying to work out where this came from.

I don't think it came from my parents or my childhood.

My parents have always been incredibly supportive and encouraging.

It's my dad that told me I could draw a passable budgie in the first place.

They've always been very encouraging.

They always told me I was funny and clever and pretty. All of these things.

I remember being 18, and I was going out on a Saturday night with the girls--

all dressy dress-- and as I came down the stairs,

my dad popped his head out of the living room door and he said,

"Mind, if I was 30 years younger..."

Now, I know what he's doing, but it's creepy, isn't it?

[laughing]

Also, I worked it out. If he had been 30 years younger, he'd have been 13.

That's not good either.

I think the main thing that might've instigated

this feeling I've always had about myself is something that happened to me when I was 13.

It was the first time I was allowed downtown, down at the South Shields town center,

where I'm from, on my own.

I went straight from school. I got off the bus at the marketplace.

I'm still in my school uniform, and the market had closed for the day,

but all that was left were the bare bones of the market stalls,

the long wooden slats and the big metal poles.

And a couple of fellas were dismantling the market stalls and loading them onto a wagon.

I walked around those fellas, but not wide enough, as it happened.

As I walked around them, one of the fellas

swung one of the big metal poles so close to my face that I felt the air move.

And I stood in shock. I'm 13 and in my school uniform.

And instead of apologizing to me, he came right up to my face and he said,

"It wouldn't have made any difference."

[loud groaning]

I'd love to say we've found him and we've brought him here tonight--

[laughing]

and we're all gonna kill him with poles.

Your weapons are under your seat. You know, like a fucked-up Oprah.

[laughing]

But sadly, that is not the case. To be fair though, he was mid-60s at the time.

So it's safe to assume he's already dead. Hooray!

Hooray!

To give you an idea of what I was like at school.

I was very quiet at school. I was very bookish.

I was good at school, top class for everything. I wasn't popular at school.

I didn't have many friends, and at various points, I didn't have any friends.

All I need to tell you is this: at the age of 12,

I invited my maths teacher to my birthday party.

[laughing]Wasn't even my birthday party.

It was my sister's birthday party, and my mam said I could bring a friend if I liked,

and she is who I chose.

And she came and she was an absolute delight.

She made sure the cake was all evenly divided.

At the age of 14, we did this thing at school called a career questionnaire.

They sat us in front of the one computer that our school had at the time.

The keyboard was the size of a fucking tabletop.

Space bar. And--

Individually we were to answer several questions with yes or no answers,

and at the end, the computer program

would spit out what it thought you should do for a living.

So I sat there, answered several questions, yes or no answers,

and at the end, the job it thought I should do

was a long-distance lorry driver.

[laughing]Now, I can't remember what those questions were,

but I've had a think and I've come up with three.

Do you like pasties?

[laughing]

Yes.

Do you like Yorkies?

Yes.

Would you be okay with one brown arm?

[laughing]

[applause]

Yes.

A few years ago, a girl from school e-mailed me via my Web site.

I'd like to read that to you now, if I may.

So, it starts, "Hi, Sarah.

Before you think who the hell is this writing to me, I used to be Lynn Turner.

I suppose in a way I still am, but my name changed when I got married,

not just my waistline.

I just had to write and get in touch after hearing you on Radio 5

and then spotting you on ITV.

You look great. You've hardly changed. How are you doing?

I've just been looking at your Web site. It all looks amazing.

I was watching the TV on Saturday night with my husband and two boys and you appeared.

Thanks, Sarah. You've actually done my street cred the world of good.

My boys, aged 11 and ten,

are very impressed that Mum went to school with someone famous.

We were talking about it all night.

Do you ever get back home to South Shields?

I hardly ever get back there. I moved down south when I was 21.

I'd met my husband, a southerner,

and we set up home in Romford.

He travels with his job, so we've been lucky enough to live all over the world.

We next moved to Denmark, where I gave birth to Giles,

and then moved on to Rome, where I gave birth to Harvey.

Family complete, we moved to the Middle East.

We moved from there to Monaco"--

[laughing]

"We moved from there to Monaco, then The Hague,

followed by a three-year stint back up north in Jesmond

before eventually settling down in leafy Hampshire.

We've lived here for four years now, so life is as settled as it gets.

I decided I had to do something else with my life

and went back to work last year as a teaching assistant.

I'd love it if you could find the time to write and get in touch,

or if you're down this neck of the woods, it'd be great to see you again.

Take care. Lynn."

She was one of my bullies.

[groaning, laughing]

She wasn't a punchy bully. She was a psychological bully.

She used to try and fuck me up.

I remember one time she came up to me in the playground and she said to me,

"Did you write into Just Seventeenthis week?"

And I went, "No."

And she went, "Oh, well, thought you had." And off she flounced.

So the lunch break, I went to the newsagent

and I bought a copy of Just Seventeen.

If you don't know what Just Seventeenis,

it's a magazine that you read until you're 15.

[laughing]

If you're still reading it at 17, something has gone horribly wrong.

Because now you should be reading Moremagazine

and learning about the positions of the fortnight.

[laughing, applauding]

And just so you know, I've got a wheelbarrow now.

Doesn't look anything like that.[laughing]

So I'm standing outside of the newsagent with a copy of Just Seventeen.

I flick to the problem page, and on the perimeter are all problems about sex,

and I knew she wouldn't think that was me.

But right dead center, right in the middle, was a problem entitled,

"Am I a Boring Square?"

She made me buy my fuckin' insult.

So I replied to her e-mail.

[murmuring]

Whoo!Whoo!

You've got to be careful with this. I might have misremembered things.

I might've been overly sensitive at the time,

I didn't want to give her anything

that she could fling back and say, "You're wrong."

So this is all I sent. Just the one line.

"Hello, Lynn. To be honest, I probably won't reply any more fully than this,

as I don't remember you very favorably."

[cheering]

What I was hoping for at school was like an ugly duckling revelation moment.

We all know the story of the ugly duckling that becomes the beautiful swan.

So it was never an ugly duckling, it was always a perfectly lovely cygnet.

Which is what the book should have been called.

The Perfectly Lovely Cygnet and His Rubbish Time with the Shitty Ducks.

[laughing]But people think the moral of that story

is don't judge something 'cause it might be wrong.

I think the moral is don't be mean to anything

'cause it might grow up to steal your chips and break your arm.

But if not an ugly duckling moment, there may be a Plain Jane Superbrain moment.

The only people that'll get that reference are about my age and watched Neighboursgrowing up.

If you don't know who Plain Jane Superbrain was,

she's just a girl called Jane who wore glasses,

and then one day, they took her glasses off her--

[laughing]

they put her in a taffeta dress,

and then everyone wanted to fuck her.

Even Helen Daniels.

That's not how glasses work though, is it?

You haven't all been looking at me tonight, going,

"Nah, I really don't fancy her at all."

"Fuckin' hell, I would! Fuckin' hell, I would!"

"Nah. Not even a twinge. Not even a twinge."

"Fuckin' hell, I'd shove it in any hole she'd let us!"

[laughing]

That's not how glasses work.

I've got a good duck fact for you. You might not know this.

The duck penis is a corkscrew.

If you ever see a couple of ducks trying to have sex in the park, just give them a hand.

And you'll know when he's finished, 'cause his wings'll go up like that.

One thing I hadn't realized as I became a bit more known and a bit more in the public eye,

is that in some ways that can feel a lot like being back at school.

Because now anybody who wants to

can tell me that they think I look like shit and regularly do.

Obviously social media is one of the main culprits,

but for me another culprit has always been women's magazines.

I hate women's magazines. I don't think they lift us up. I think they push us down.

They show us an unrealistic ideal of what they expect us to be,

rather than embrace us for what we are, which is, quite frankly, fucking glorious.

-Hmm. -[cheering]

[applause]

Because I'm quite proactive, I don't like to just complain and do nothing about it.

I set up my own online women's magazine.

It's called Standard Issuemagazine.

Please have a look when you get home. Oh, bless you. Thank you.

It's for you. It's free and it's for you, and the rule is no bullshit. No bullshit.

'Cause I hate it when women's magazines say things like,

"We're gonna teach you about the thigh gap."

And you think, "I know what the thigh gap is. Used to be called fuckin' rickets."

Or when they say, "We're gonna teach you how to keep a man."

I don't need to know how to keep a man. I married one. He's contractually obliged.

If this was a film, this would be where there'd be a montage

where you'd see how things are improving with my body image.

There's no film, but I'll talk you through the montage. I did a few things.

First, I started to look at my face in the mirror without any makeup on.

I did that a lot, to the point where now, when I look at my face in the mirror

without any makeup on, I think,

"It's just your face. There's nothing wrong with it."

Which was a huge change for me.

Second thing, I started to buy clothes online.

No longer do I go into a shop, pick some clothes to try on,

take them into a tiny cubicle with an ill-fitting curtain,

office lighting and a fuckin' circus mirror--

[laughing]

and ultimately hand them back to a tiny specimen of a woman,

like a mouse in hot pants,

who never says anything, but with her eyes is saying,

"Oh, you're too fat for all the clothes now."

What I do now is I order them online.

They arrive at the house, I try them on,

and if they don't fit, I have a fuckin' biscuit, 'cause it doesn't fuckin' matter!

[cheering]

Of course, whenever the Special K advert came on the telly,

I'd always think, "She looks amazing in that swimming costume."

You know what I do now when the Special K advert comes on? I go like this.

"Oh, fuck off!

You taste like shit!

I'll stick to me Frosties, thanks.

And I'll put some sugar on them and some jam and a fuckin' Jaffa cake if I want to.

Fuck you!"

[applause]

I've had a couple of indicators that things are improving with my body image.

I'll talk you through them. First, I've got a friend who's a makeup artist.

I said to her I get bad black rings under my eyes. I often look more tired than I am.

I said, "Is there something that you could recommend that would cover that up?"

She said, "Absolutely." She showed me this little pot of stuff.

"This is good. Get one of these." I said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Harvey Nicks."

I thought, "Couldn't have been fuckin' Boots or Superdrug, could it?"

Had to be Harvey Nicks. I hate those shops.

I find them really intimidating. I find them patronizing.

I thought, "I want this stuff. I have to go in,

but I'm gonna make it the quickest transaction they've ever had."

I'm just gonna go in-- Not like that. That looked aggressive, didn't it?

[in husky voice] Bring on your patter, bitch. I'm ready.

I'd taken a photo of the thing to show the lady, and that's exactly what I did.

I went up to the counter and said to the lady, "Can I have one of these, please, love?"

I showed her the photo, and she said, "No problem."

I thought, "We're halfway there."

And she said, "I've just got to color-match you first."

Before I could ask what the fuck color-matching actually was,

she had me up on a stool so high I couldn't get off on me own.

And I was facing outwards, facing the whole shop.

I thought, "My God, this is so embarrassing. This is mortifying.

Oh, my God. Everybody's gonna be able to see. This is so embarrassing."

Then I remembered, it's Harvey Nicks.

It doesn't matter, 'cause there's hardly ever anyone in, is there?

It's like a museum for handbags.

She dabbed the stuff under my eyes,

showed me in a mirror, and I said, "That's champion. I'll have one of those."

She said, "No problem." Again, "No problem." I thought, "Surely we're nearly done now."

But this is the moment that she chose to wince at my face.

I wasn't wearing any other makeup

apart from what she'd dabbed under my eyes for two reasons.

First, I was getting used to my face without makeup on, and I thought it looked all right.

Second reason: I don't know if you know this, but you don't have to wear makeup

to go fuckin' shopping if you don't fuckin' want to!

[cheering]

She winced at my face.

Fuck knows what expression she was pulling underneath all of her layers of makeup

to get that wince to punch its way to the surface.

She must've been girning so hard she nearly shat herself.

[laughing]

She winced at my face and then she said,

"Can I just do the rest of your makeup before you go back out though, yes?"

I was furious that she thought it was necessary.

So I threw myself off the stool with quite a lot of force,

but all I said was, "Oh, love. I couldn't give less of a shit."

[laughing]So that felt good.

Second one. I was walking the dog a few months ago,

and a van approached, and the driver of the van was a man, maybe mid-50s,

and his window was wound down.

And as he approached me, he beeped his horn,

beep-beep-beep-beep-beep, and then made this noise:

"Whuh!"

[laughing]

When I got home, I said to my husband, "That's never happened to me before."

My husband said, "I want you to think about that and genuinely tell me

if you think nobody has ever beeped their horn at you in the past."

I had a think, and with a degree of horror, I realized that he was absolutely right.

But this is the first time I'd ever allowed it to be a compliment.

In the past, when anybody beeped their horn at me, I'd assume they were saying,

"Look at the state of her. She's too fat for that dress."

These are exactly the sorts of things that were going on in my mind.

So, technically, I suppose it is the first time it's happened to me.

And I did respond in quite a peculiar manner.

So he approached. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep. "Whuh!"

And I went like this.

[laughing]

[applause]

I waved at him like I was a small child.

Sometimes for fun, for a laugh, for japes,

I like to imagine what happened when Lynn from school opened the e-mail I sent her.

I like to think that she gathered her family around,

her husband who takes them abroad, and her kids.

I can't remember their names. Posh twat number 1 and posh twat number 2.

I like to think she gathered them around and she said,

"Mummy's friend from school, the one off the television, she's replied.

Let's read the e-mail all together as a family."

And they open the e-mail and they read the e-mail,

and her sons go, "Hold on a minute. Were you a bully?"

"Oh, is this why we have to keep fuckin' movin' all the time?"

[applause]

To summarize, I think the thing that I hate about school

is closely linked to the thing that I love about school.

The thing I hate about school is the lack of social mobility.

Whatever you go in as, especially the senior school,

you were labeled as such and you were that for five years

and there's nothing you can do about it.

I was a nerd at school. Give us a cheer. Any other nerds at school?

[cheering]

Any sporty types?

[scattered cheers]

Any slags?

[laughing]

That's how unfair it is. You couldn't change.

You could try. You could be a nerd and think, "I'm gonna try and become a slag."

And you can try, but they'd still be like,

"Yeah, no, she's sucking all those cocks behind the bike sheds,

but she's still counting them on her abacus."

[laughing]

But while that's what I hate about school,

what I love about school is that when you leave, all of that disappears.

You can do anything you like. You can be anyone you like.

You don't have to be friends with any of those fuckers again if you don't want to be,

and who knows, someday you might be able to peel a satsuma while you're driving a car

or do a horn noise with your mouth.

Or talk about your bully onstage and then send her the fuckin' DVD.

[cheering]

[applause]

Fuck that. She can buy it. Uh-- [laughing]

I said before that I'd been with my fella for ten years.

We agree on a lot of things, we disagree on some things. That's healthy in a relationship.

One of the things we disagreed on recently is my new theory.

I have a new theory, and my theory is

that I think that men retain different information to women.

And the information that men retain

is what I would call... useless.

[laughing]

And the information that women retain is much more useful.

I've devised a short quiz that I put to my husband, and I'll talk you through it now.

There are two rounds in the quiz.

The Useless round followed by the Useful round. There are three questions in each.

If you know any answers shout them out. We'll have a bit of fun.

So, Useless round, question number one.

Who was the manager of Aston Villa in 2005?

Does anybody know?[man] David O'Leary.

Well done! Fuckin' hell!

[applause][Sarah laughs]

Well done. And thus proving my point fucking perfectly, flower!

[laughing]

My husband also got that correct. One to the audience, one to the husband.

Question number two.

How far did the Dow Jones fall on the 19th of October 1987?

Anybody have a clue?

Oh, there's kind of chuntering. Did you hear that?

[mimics murmuring]

Anybody want to guess?[woman] A thousand.

A thousand what?

A thousand points?Oh, bless you for knowing.

It's not 1,000 points, but bless you for knowing that it's points.

It's 508 points.

But I'm gonna give you half a point for knowing that it's points.

The other day somebody shouted out something in feet and inches. Like it actually fell--

Aaah!

Half a point.

My husband got it exactly right, which is terrifying.

And the third and final question in the Useless round.

Name the female doctor in Star Trek: Next Generation, Series One.

Anybody know?[shouting]

"Crusher. Crusher. Crusher." [giggles]

"I know! I know!" Dr. Beverly Crusher. Well done. So many of you knew that.

So, two and a half to the audience and three to the husband.

Now we move on to the Useful round.

[laughing]The first question in the Useful round.

Which one is the tumble dryer?

My husband said, "It's the white one." I said, "They're all fucking white!"

Question number two. How do you know when it's time to throw your underpants away?

[laughing]

[person shouting]

-What was that? -[person shouting]

"When the dog leaves them alone!" [laughs]

[applause]

My husband said it was a trick question

because "you never throw underpants away."

The correct answer is when the elasticity is such

that it looks like you're wearing a gym skirt.

[laughing]

And the third and final question in the Useful round,

and indeed the entire quiz.

How much praise should you get for unblocking a toilet

that you yourself blocked?

[laughing]

Fucking none!

I sound like a nag. I don't think I'm a nag.

-Give us a cheer if you think you're getting nagged. -[scattered cheers]

I had a young couple a few weeks ago, and the fella said he got nagged by his wife.

I said, "What does she nag you for?" He said, "Because I don't tidy up after myself."

I said, "Do you just not like tidyin'?" He said, "No."

I said, "Can I tell you something?" He said, "What?"

I said, "Neither does she!"

And he went like this, he went,

"Oh."[laughing]

Saved a marriage. You're welcome.

I don't think I'm a nag, but maybe you guys can tell me otherwise.

So my husband isn't really interested in clothes.

Neither am I especially. It's not a big deal.

But when he puts his jacket on, the collar's always turned in over,

and I always have to go, "Love? Flick your collar out.

Your collar. Your collar.

On your jacket. Just flick it out. It's tucked in. It's tucked in.

Your collar. Your collar? It's tucked in.

On your jacket. On your jacket?

On your jacket. Just flick it out. Just do what I'm doing.

Just do that. It's tucked underneath.

Just flick it out. Flick it out. Your collar. Your collar?

Your collar. On your jacket. On your jacket. On your--

No, just on your jacket. On your jacket.

No, not your shirt. No, your shirt's fine.

Well, it's not now. You've fucked it.

On your jacket. It looks ridic--

I just want you to look like somebody loves you.

For fuck's sake, pull your fuckin' collar out!"

I can hear how horrible that sounds.

I've got a better approach. This is much more positive.

This is what I do now. I go, "Love?" And he goes, "What?"

I go, "Do your impression of Fonzie?" And he flicks it out and goes, "Hey!"

[laughing]

I get what I want, he thinks I like his impressions. That's good.

I read recently a survey that said,

that in heterosexual couples,

men don't think that women initiate sex.

And I thought, "I don't think that's true." I think women initiate sex.

I think maybe we don't call it that-- "initiating sex."

Sounds like something you do on a rocket, doesn't it?

[in deep voice] Initiating sex. Five, four, three, two...

I think women initiate sex. Maybe men aren't always so good at picking up the signals.

Maybe that's where the communication falls down.

A bloke will be like, "Yeah, she was lying on the bed.

She had her hair all sort of fanned out on the pillow.

She had a tiny towel on, so I could basically see everything.

And she just put lipstick on, which is weird, 'cause she just got out the bath.

But I decided to initiate sex.

Five, four, three..."

"Can I stop you there in the middle of your countdown, flower.

I started ages ago. You weren't even in the fucking room when I started."

[laughing]

You know that chat that you have sometimes before sex

and occasionally during sex, that bit of chat?

I think if you've been together a long time, that chat should come

with terms and conditions attached, don't you think?

So if you say something like, "You can do...

whatever you want to me."

What you really mean is, "Of the four things we normally do."

"Within the parameters we've already set."

Interesting that there's often chat before and during sex,

but very little chat after sex, just sort of "night-night"

or "I'm gonna have a piss as soon as this thing flattens."

That sort of thing.

[laughing]

Or maybe something like, "Ooh, get us a biscuit while you're up."

Or even something like, "Is the dog still starin'?"

Ah, yeah. I turned 41 quite recently.

I like being in my 40s. Give us a cheer if you're 40 and above.

[cheering]

Isn't it good? I like it a lot.

I just don't give a shit about unimportant things anymore.

A few things changed when I turned 40.

One thing that changed when I turned 40 is that I've stopped sniffing me leggings.

[laughing]

I sniffed them to see if I could get another day out of them.

Whereas now I just assume that I can.

But I read on an official form, a proper document recently, the term "women's problems."

And I thought, "Really? '‘women's problems' in 2016?"

Why doesn't it just say "periods" or "menstruation"?

There's nothing wrong with those words, nothing wrong with the actual thing.

It's a perfectly normal and natural part of life, nothing to be ashamed of.

Seems peculiar to me.

So I've decided to do-- and come with me if you like--

I've decided to bypass the word "periods" if people find it so offensive,

and I'm going to say this instead.

So somebody says to me, "Are you all right?"

I'm gonna go, "Oh, I'm clottin'!"

See? The word "periods" isn't so bad now, is it? No!

I think a lot of the euphemisms for periods are really horrible.

So gross and such a bad reflection of how normal it is.

If "clottin'" horrifies you, I get it.

I've made up another one. This is lighter, a bit more playful.

Maybe this will appeal to you a bit more. This is it.

"It's W.I. week."

Because I'm making jam. Do you get it? [laughs]

[scattered groans]

Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by "clottin'."

That's hilarious. I think I've ruined afternoon teas for all of us.

Sorry about that.

I read a good statistic recently that said that 67 percent of women,

so two-thirds of women, don't bath or shower every day.

And because I bath or shower every day, my first reaction was,

"That's disgusting!"

My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.

[laughing]And my third reaction was,

"Well, if they're not doin' it, I'm not gonna fuckin' do it."

But I mostly bath or shower every day.

Though if I'm running late, I've got an early appointment or slept in,

I'll do instead what my mam would refer to as a "flannel job."

This is a tip for the women in the room who do have pubic hair.

The next time you do a flannel job, if you do it in a circular motion,

you can Afro it right up.

It's really fun.

[laughing]

It's not a joke. It's a tip for you to take home and try.

In a room of this size, there'll at least be 20 or 30 women

tomorrow morning going, "I'm gonna have a go."

[laughing]

Voomff! Ahhh.

Massive pants.

Let me leave you on a daft story.

I went for a massage.

Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.

[cheering]

So I don't like the actual activity itself.

I like the bit at the end where you feel all floppy and relaxed.

I'm like, "I might never wear a bra again."

I love that bit. I don't like the actual activity.

I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger just in my pants.

So what happens is I book the massage.

I get so stressed and tense on the buildup to the massage

that the best she can do at the massage

is get me back down to the level of stress I was at before I booked the massage.

One thing they do that I don't like in a massage appointment

is when they teach you how to breathe.

They do that. Like I'm 41.

The breathing's been going pretty well.

But they do that, don't they? They go, "And breathe in."

[inhales]

[exhales]

"And breathe out." I could've fucking died if I'd waited for her.

The last massage I had, she said, "This is an aromatherapy massage."

I said, "That's correct." She said, "I've got three different oils.

Smell each one, pick the one you like and we'll use that one." I said, "Champion."

She unscrewed the lid off the first one, wafted it in front of my nose,

and I said, "Is that eucalyptus? Eucalyptus.

Like a eucalyptus. Like a menthol? Like a menthol? Like a menthol? Is it menthol?

Is it like a menthol? Is it menthol? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint?"

She said, "You don't have to guess what it is."

Second one she wafted in front of my nose.

I said, "Is that lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon?

Is it like a citrus? Like a sort of general sort of citrus?

Is it citrus? Is it citrus?

Is it grapefruit? Is it grapefruit? Is it grapefruit?"

She said, "It's not a quiz."

[laughing]

The third one she wafted in front of my nose.

I didn't recognize the smell, but I liked it, so I chose that one.

She said, "Good." She read the label, she said, "That's Happy."

And I thought, "I was never gonna win the fucking quiz, was I?"

[laughing]

My worst bit of a massage is the bit in a full body massage

where they make you turn over on the table.

'Cause the tables are very narrow, and I am not.

They do at least hold the towel up.

So you can flubber, flubber, flubber over in private.

Or so I fucking thought.

Last one I had, she held the towel up and I flubber-flubber-flubbered over.

I was almost in position when our eyes locked

in the mirrored wall at the end of the room.

[laughing]

My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage."

She said, "I don't like the bit where they pull your knickers down a bit."

I said, "They'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half me back."

[laughing]

I went for a massage with a friend.

We were waiting, and the woman came out and said,

"Ladies, ladies, ladies, just to let you know that on staff today

we have a male massage therapist,

and I was wondering if either of you would mind"--

My friend went-- [in sultry voice] "I'll have him."

[laughing]

I said to her afterwards, "You're single. You can have the bloke one.

Just let her finish her question first.

Maybe leave it a beat, and then say, '‘I suppose I don't mind.'

Rather than-- [in sultry voice] '‘I'll have him.'"

She came out after the massage with this big beamin' smile on her face.

I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah."

I said, "That's good." She said, "I felt his erection."

We take turns to pay, and it was my turn.

I thought, "I'm not paying if she's had fuckin' extras."

I said, "You felt his erection?" She said, "Yes, on me elbow."

Now, I don't know what your elbows are like,

but mine is like fuckin' rhino skin.

I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.

That would be an excellent game show. Cock or Not? Cock or Not?

One thing I don't like, and this might come across overly mean.

I don't want it to, but it might come across that way. I don't like a skinny massage therapist.

The one I use is about my size, maybe a bit bigger. I don't like the skinny ones.

They've never said anything to me, but in my mind,

when they're massaging me, they're doing this:

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

[laughing]

I'm gonna need more time. It's a bigger surface area!

The whole time I'm being massaged, there's an inner monologue going on.

So outside, I'm the picture of composure, but in here it's going crazy,

and it depends on where she starts.

If she starts at the bottom, I'll be like, "Oh, tickly feet, tickly feet.

She's going up to the bit where I've got broken veins on the back of me leg.

I don't like-- Too close to me fanny! Too close to me fanny! Too close to me fanny!"

[laughing]

So I'm lying there,

covered in Happy--

a very different version of Snow White than we're used to--

[laughing]

and the massage ends.

And she said-- they always put on like a chocolaty voice-- and she said,

"Just relax. There's plenty of time.

There's absolutely no rush. Please, just stay relaxed.

There's so much time. There's no need for you to rush.

Please, there's so much time. I just want you to stay relaxed."

What she didn't know is that I'd been dying for a fart for 40 minutes!

[laughing]

The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,

most tromboney-est fart you've ever heard.

Remember, I was covered in oil.

It was like the Salvation Army band had popped in.

[laughing]

And I'm right in the middle of potentially the best fart of my life

when she came back in with a glass of water.

[applause]

And I half expected her to go,

"Is that curry? Is it curry? Is that curry? Is it curry? Is it curry? Is that curry?"

And if she had, I would've gone, "No, love. That's happy."

[laughing]

You've been a cracking crowd, you really have, but just before I say good-bye,

there's someone who wants to say hello.

[cheering, whooping]

This is Commander Tuvok.

[laughing]

He's a little bit nervous.

[audience] Aw.

Aw, bless him. Actually, let me-- Give us a second.

I've got something that I think you'll like. Hold on.

[cheering, applause]

I don't think anybody has ever run away from my knickers so quickly.

[laughing]

I don't think they're meaty enough for him.

Oh...

[cheering, applause]

Anybody else? Anybody want them? Anybody want them?

You've been such a smashing crowd. Thank you ever so much for coming tonight.

You've been amazing, and I'm so glad you were here to do this.

-Thank you. Good night. -[cheering, whistling]

♪ Let's go for a little walk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

♪ Let's sit down and talk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

♪ I wanna tell ya♪

♪ That I love ya♪

♪ And I want you to be my girl♪

♪ Little darling Let's walk, let's talk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

[cheering, applause]