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[upbeat music]

[audience cheering]

Woman 1: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,

Sarah Millican!

Ah!

Ooh! [laughs]

What a lovely warm welcome. Thank you so much.

You're so kind. How the fuck are you? Are you well?

Well, I'm glad. Give us a cheer if you're at the top level.

[audience cheering]

Second.

[audience cheering]

They're not sure which level they're on,

are they, those ones...

Third.

[audience cheering]

Downstairs.

[audience cheering]

We're all here. Let's get fuckin' crackin'.

Thank you so much for comin'. It's so lovely to see you all.

I've been on tour since January. I absolutely love being on tour.

I do love drivin', obviously, when we're on tour,

and I've discovered recently that I get a touch of road rage.

Anybody else get road rage?

Yeah? I do the shoutin' and the swearin'.

But my favorite thing is the hand gestures.

I love the hand gestures. I do all three of them.

I don't know if you know there's three.

I start with that one.

It's a classic, isn't it? And then I do that one.

And they don't always see that from the other car,

so you do have to tilt your pelvis up quite high

and mime a cock bigger than one that ever existed.

And the third one I do is this one. Oh!

And that's when I realize that's not one of them, is it? Oh!

I'm so annoyed by your drivin', I'm gonna suck your cock for ya.

It's not one of them. Oh, you guys are fun.

This is gonna be fun. I can tell already.

[laughs]

I have been doing standup for 13 years.

I absolutely love my job.

When I first started doing standup,

it was off the back of a divorce.

So a lot of what I talked about on stage was divorce related.

And I did a gig in the early days in Kidderminster.

[laughs] That is so weird, 'cause you don't normally cheer

when you're actually in fuckin' Kidderminster.

But a man came up to me after I've been on stage

and he said, "I've got two things to say to you."

I said, "Oh, really? What are they?" He said...

"The first thing" he said is,

"Fuck me what you've been through."

I said, "I'm alright, flower. Thanks anyway, but I'm alright."

I said, "What's the second thing?"

He said, "Fuck me."

Same words, very different intonation.

I just ran to my car as quickly as I could

'cause I needed to get him home.

That bit's not true. I really wish it was.

I just ran to my car and went home on my own.

I was too scared. I've never been that confident sexually.

Not like that. I've never been like, "Fuck me."

I've never been like that, like that. Unh!

Can't get away with that, can I?

I'm not sure anybody can

who's in a party dress and plimsolls.

[laughs] But even, like,

in the intervening years, things haven't changed.

I've been with the same bloke now for 12 years

and even now I'm still a bit like,

"I mean, do you fancy it?"

"Should I wash it?"

"Would that help?" Probably it would.

That's good to fuckin' know, isn't it?

But before I start, properly I need to tell you somethin'.

[laughs]

If at any point during the show, I stand a bit funny,

like, maybe I stick me leg out like this

or lift it up like this, anything where you think

"What the fuck is she doing with her leg?"

It's because I've literally just put a clean sanitary towel on.

And it hasn't molded to me body yet.

And then the problem is there's a little bit of wing

stuck to me thigh.

And I'm at the horniest part of my menstrual cycle.

So you've been fuckin' warned.

I just want somebody to hit it with a spoon,

just a wooden spoon or a ladle,

not a teaspoon, 'cause I'll only fuckin' lose that in there.

I'm feeling much better having told you that.

Thanks everybody.

I was talkin' to a friend of mine.

I've got quite low self-esteem

and my friend was tryin' to sort of cheer me up.

And she said, "I think you're a fox."

I said, "Shut up, I'm not a fox."

She said, "You are. I think you're a fox."

I said, "Shut up, I'm not a fox."

And then I had to think about it, and I thought

maybe I am a fox and that I regularly eat out of bins.

I was in a hotel in London. I'd been at work.

I brought a croissant to eat when I got back,

but, of course, when I got back, I didn't want a croissant.

I wanted something from room service,

something with gravy on.

So I put the croissant in the bin and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up and it was too late for room service,

I got the croissant back out of the bin and I ate it.

When I told my friend I'd eaten a croissant out of a bin,

and she went, "Ooh, posh."

And the name I do sometimes call myself as a reverse hulk.

Do you remember the Hulk? The Incredible Hulk? Yes?

Yeah, I'm a reverse hulk

because I burst out of clothes and then get mad.

It's lovely to be here. I do miss my little dog

when I'm on the road. I've got a little dog. He's adorable.

He's a rescue dog. He's very sweet.

He doesn't get on with other dogs.

So that's the one problem we have with him.

He will bark at all other dogs.

But I just use the fact that he's a rescue if that comes up.

So, say, I'm out walkin' him and he barks at another dog,

the other owner will look at me, like, "Control your dog."

And I'll just turn to her and I'll say,

"I'm really sorry... but he's a rescue."

And then she'll turn to me and she'll say,

"I'm so sorry for what he's been through."

When the truth is, his owner died and we got him.

That's what he's been through.

You can't do that with blokes, can you?

If a bloke's fightin' in a pub, you can't go,

"I'm really sorry... but he's a rescue."

"Just found him wanderin' around Debenhams on his own."

"And we've checked and he's not married,

'cause he hasn't been chipped."

The dog hurt his paw a few months ago.

Hurt his paw, so rang the vet, and it was out of hours.

Took him up straight through to the vet herself.

She said, "What's the problem?"

I said, "The dog's hurt his paw."

She said, "Which paw?"

And I said, "It's his left hand."

She said, "His what?" I said, "His left hand."

She said, "You mean his foreleg?"

I said, "I don't know, I didn't go to university

like you did, flower."

"To me, it's his left hand."

I know what you're thinkin'. You think I humanize the dog.

I know that's what you're thinkin'. Fuck off, I don't.

I don't humanize him. Fuck off, I don't.

So I took his, uh, waistcoat off and I took him to the vet.

I got him all bandaged up. Brought him home.

My husband was away at the time and I thought

I should probably ring him, let him know what's goin' on,

so I did. He said, "What's the matter?"

I said, "The dog's hurt his paw."

My husband said, "Which paw?"

And I thought, "What's the fuckin' fuss it is

with which paw? It's not like it's the one he writes with."

I said, "It was his left hand." My husband said, "His what?"

I said, "His left hand."

He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side."

The dog sleeps downstairs. His choice, he sleeps on the sofa.

And then in the morning when he wakes up,

he comes up to our bedroom and every single day,

he asks permission to get on the bed. It's adorable.

He pats the side of the bed with both hands. Hands.

And then I wake up and I go, "Go on then."

And he jumps up on the bed and sort of little spoons me,

kind of lies here like this, we all fall back to sleep again

for another half an hour or so. It's adorable.

The other day though, having fallen back to sleep again,

I woke up because he was growlin' and I thought,

"What's he growlin' at? What's goin' on here?"

What had happened, because they're sort of

loose in the night, one of me boobs had landed on his head.

The dog is very little, my tits are not.

[imitates dog growling]

Poor little bugger, he's lucky he didn't get caught

between them, he'd be fuckin' dead.

We've got two cats as well.

We've basically got pets instead of kids.

Give us a cheer if you have got kids.

[audience cheering]

Give us a cheer if you've got pets instead.

[audience cheering]

It's not as many of us, but we're fuckin' happier,

aren't we?

I've got a friend who's just had a baby.

I don't know anything about babies. I said to her...

I said, "How long can you leave her for?"

My friend was like, "You can't leave babies on their own."

I said, "Can you not? That's rubbish."

"I could leave the dog for four hours."

But I'm so rubbish with kids. I was in a shoe shop.

You know the little seats you sit on to try on the shoes,

I sat on one of those and a lady sat right beside me

and she pushed her buggy in front of us both.

And in the buggy was a little girl who sort of turned to me

as if to start a conversation. I panicked a little bit.

This is out of my comfort zone, but I thought,

"Let's just see how it goes."

She turned to me and she went, "What's your name?"

And I thought, "Oh, this is gonna be a piece of piss."

"I already know the answer to question number one."

I said, "My name's Sarah," and then she went,

"What's your hair?"

What's your hair?

What kind of fuckin' question is that?

With my self-esteem, I felt like she was being quite judgy,

if I'm honest, like she's looking at me and goin',

"What the fuck's happenin' here like?"

So I just asked her who her dad was and she didn't know

and it got really awkward.

But my friend who has the baby also has a two year old.

She has a two year old and a three month old,

both little girls, and I went to visit them.

And the baby was a little bit fractious,

so my friend said, "You mind while I sort the baby out,

could you look after the little one?" I said, "Of course."

'Cause I thought, "How hard can it be

to look after a two year old?"

She'll definitely tell me when she wants

to go outside for a wee.

And I've nearly always got meaty snacks in me pockets.

So they're gonna go down a treat later on.

She was lovely, very chatty, the whole time,

chat-chat-chat, chat-chat-chat.

But I couldn't make fuckin' head and a tail of anything she said.

She was at that weird sort of gibberish age where she's just

lookin' at me and goin', "Hubba tata tapa tata tat."

I thought to just say yes to see if that would kind of

move her on. "Yes." Didn't work.

And in the end, the kitchen door opened

and my friend had the baby like this, and she went,

"She's trying to tell you about Peter Rabbit."

I said, "Is she? Fuck!"

The only thing I understood out of this kid's mouth

the whole time I was there... I was reading a book to her.

And I got a bit distracted by the pictures

and I said, "Look, there's a bird,

and there's a ladybird."

And she looked me straight in the eyes and she went,

"Read on." Ooh.

But I always think what I hear when kids talk to me

is probably what Stephen Fry hears when I talk to him.

Like, I think I'm saying something really eloquent

and well thought out and he just hears,

"I like chips. What's your hair?" Hm.

But I've been spending a bit of time with my family.

Uh, I took my mum shoppin'. My mum's in a wheelchair.

We went into a department store, went to the disabled toilet

within the department store. She had a wee.

And I thought, "While I'm in, I'll have a quick wee as well."

But I knew I needed to fart.

And the problem was that the toilet

was on a very busy thoroughfare,

lot of people going past that door.

So I said to me mum, "Do us a favor, mum."

She said, "What?" I said, "Clap."

I don't know why I said clap.

I think I thought the noise would drown it out.

But also I am very comfortable with applause.

This is my job after all. So she did. She went like this.

[claps] She did one.

I said, "How good you think me timing is, mum?"

And the problem we had is when she clapped,

the lights went off.

But luckily, I did a big loud fart

and they came back on again!

My, uh...

My mum delivers compliments in a very interesting way.

Some of you might have mums like this.

Some of you might be mums like this.

For example, when my hair was a lot longer,

instead of saying your hair looks nice, my mum said,

"Oh, you're not gonna get your hair cut, are you?"

So I've stopped saying I love you and now I just say,

"I'll be really sad when you die."

A few months ago, I was playing a game of Jenga

with some friends and a couple of days after that,

I was talking to me dad on the phone, I thought

I'll tell him about it, and then I thought,

I don't know if me dad knows what Jenga is. He's in his 70s.

I don't know when it first became popular,

so I thought I'll ask him.

So I said, "Dad, do you know what Jenga is?"

And he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, like sex."

I said, "Jenga." He said, "Yeah. Sex."

I had so many questions

and I didn't want any of the answers.

But I said to him, I said, "Can I ask

which word you think I'm sayin'?"

And he said, "Yeah, gender."

I said, "Oh, thank fuck for that!"

I had a horrible idea that that's what him

and me mum called it.

He's trying to pull himself out without toppling her over.

And I got one sister. It's just the two of us.

My sister is six years older than me.

When she was a teenager, she used to talk

very slang, very Geordie slang, and my mum didn't like it.

So my mum would correct her

and me being the little shitty sister, I would help.

So if my sister said, "I'm gaanoot"

my mum would correct her and say, "I'm going out ."

My sister would have to repeat I'm going out

before she was allowed to go out.

And I'd just be standing beside them both sayin'

I'm going out, like the arsehole that I was.

There was a time my sister was really ill.

She had a really bad finger, she went to the hospital

with my mum, they came back in from A&E, and I said

to my sister, "What's the matter with your finger then?"

She said, "Oh, they said it's gangrene."

And I genuinely said, "Going green."

Like I probably thought a medical doctor had gone,

[Geordie accent] "That's gangrene."

"Then it's gonna gan broon, then it's gonna fall off."

We went on two holidays abroad when I was a kid.

Went to Malta when I was four, went to Spain when I was eight.

When I was eight, we went to Spain.

My holiday present was a baby doll, very nice.

But it was like this. It was huge.

I think that's when I first got an idea

that I might not want to have kids.

'Cause I had an inkling that it came off part of a lady

and I was pretty convinced no part of me

would have allowed that.

I say that like that's changed.

No part of me would still allow that.

Fuck off, it wouldn't. Fuck off.

The fun thing about the baby doll, it had a dummy.

Took the dummy out, baby cried really loudly.

Put the dummy back in, baby stopped crying.

Now if you ask any woman in this room when she first

feels like she became a woman, most women would probably say

when they started their period. I think that's pretty standard.

Not me. I know exactly the day that I became a woman.

It was on that holiday, at the age of eight,

the night we lost the baby doll's dummy.

Because on the same night, I was bitten on the nipple...

Oh, a few people are laughing at that already.

It's not technically funny yet.

You don't know what by. I could be about to say by a pedophile.

It was a mosquito. You're lucky it was funny.

I was bitten on the nipple by a mosquito,

had a terrible reaction and grew an actual boob.

So I know I became a woman that night because I was

eight years old in an adult bra

and my baby would not shut the fuck up.

A few months ago, I decided to go for a bra fittin'.

Give us a whoo if you've ever been for a bra fittin'.

Audience: Whoo!

Give us a whoo if you did not enjoy it.

Audience: Whoo!

Exactly the same people again.

It's a very odd experience, isn't it?

In a second, I'll give you an opportunity

should you want to shout out and tell me what it was

you didn't like about your bra fittin',

but let me give you a couple of examples to start you off.

There was a lady a few months ago, I said,

"What didn't you like about your bra fittin'?"

And she shouted out, "Cold hands." And I get it.

'Cause cold hands aren't very pleasant to touch

and they do have touch you at various times,

but I had to think about it.

And I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.

Warm hands kind of ick me out.

Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this.

"Ooh.

"Ooh, She'll see me 10 o'clock, I cannot wait. Ooh."

Eh!

There was a lady not long ago, I said,

"What didn't you like about your bra fittin'?"

She shouted out, "It was embarrassin'."

I said, "Of course, it's embarrassin', flower."

But I said, "Was there one moment

that was worse than the rest?" She said, "Oh, yes.

When I took me bra off, two bits of popcorn fell out."

You know, probably, the easiest way to talk to you guys

is to kind of talk to you in a kind of

upstairs and kind of downstairs.

That probably makes a bit of sense to me, but if we do

kind of this half, if-- if I'm the centerpoint,

let's do this half as one side, this half as the other,

and we'll do upstairs and then downstairs. That sound alright?

Yeah, okay, anybody on this side, upstairs and on this side

wanna shout and tell me what you didn't like

about your bra fittin'?

[indistinct shouting]

There was a lady somewhere here. Give us a wave.

Who's it? Yeah, what did you say, my love?

Woman 2: I was disappointed. - You were disappointed?

And also your accent is the best accent to be disappointed in.

[speaks with an accent] "I was disappointed."

Why were you disappointed, my love?

- It was a woman. - It was a woman?

Sarah: She's clappin' herself, I love

that she's clappin' herself. "That was really funny."

"I was really funny just then."

Were you expectin' a good gropin'?

Was that what you were wantin'? You were, weren't you?

Oh, my God, there was a lady who shouted out quite recently.

Uh, she said, uh, that it was a male bra fitter.

And we were all really shocked, the whole audience

were like, "Oh, my God," and I said, "Which shop was that?"

'Cause I thought, let's find out, and all the women

were, like, ready to write it down.

And a man in a totally different part of the room went,

"My shop." [laughs]

Made me laugh. Uh, anybody else on this side?

Woman 3: Wonky boobs. - Give us a wave. Where are you?

There you are right in the front. Hello, my love.

- What did you say? - Wonky boobs.

Wonky boobs? This is a heckle? No?

No, it's true. You never know in this section.

You never know. Uh, wonky boobs.

She pointed out that one is somewhat larger than the other.

"She pointed out that one..." What is some...

I love the-- the use of the word somewhat larger than the other.

- But aren't everybody's? Yes. - Yes.

Did she do the traditional test? I don't know if you know

there's a traditional test for findin' out which

is your bigger one. I don't know if you know this.

[imitates honking] That's it.

[Sarah laughs]

[imitates honking] Ah, that one.

[laughs] And that is a joke, and if anybody does that to you

and you have not given them permission,

go to the fuckin' police.

Thanks very much, my love. Anybody else over this side?

What about over this side? Oh, yes, give us a wave.

- What did-- The style? Woman 4: The style.

- The style. - She was older than me--

Sarah: She was... And I'm just lettin' everybody else know.

She was older than you. How much older was she than you?

Couple-- A couple of decades?

- Try three. - Three decades older than you?

Woman 4: Yeah. - And how old are you roughly?

Don't let tell us. Just decades... Don't tell us.

You don't have to tell us properly, but like...

40s, 50s? What are you? 30s?

- I'm 54. - 54? She was 84?

Did she try and fit you with a sanitary belt as well,

did she? Thank you very much.

There was a lady here. There was a lady in the glasses there.

Hello, my lovely. Wh-- what happened to you, my love?

It was roastin' in Marksy's and they made me wait

and then in the end, they pass the tape measure around

and I was clammy.

Oh. It was roastin' in Marksy's.

That was the first part of the story.

- And then you were clammy. - Clammy.

Yeah, did she comment on the clamminess? Hm.

Did the-- did the tape measure just, like, stick?

That's what I would worry about, like, "Uh, you're never gonna

get this back, flower. It's stuck to me underboobs."

It hasn't been dry under there since fuckin' April.

Fact. Thank you very much, my love.

Over this side? Anybody over this side?

What you didn't like about your bra fittin'?

Woman 5: The slang. - Give us a wave.

There you are. Oh, you're right here. What... The slang?

What-- what-- what slang did she use?

Woman 5: She said, "You're between a gosh

and a golly gosh."

She said, "You're between a gosh and a golly gosh?"

Are you sure it was a professional bra fitter?

Anybody else?

Woman 6: They told me there were no bras for me

in all of Marks & Spencer's.

They told you there were no bras for you?

Like, in the whole shop?

Nothing for you.

And was that because you're too big? Too small?

- What was the reason? - I have no idea.

Sarah: You don't know? She didn't tell you?

She just said, "None for you."

And you went, "Okay." [laughs]

Are you, I know it's, I can't-- I can't quite see

you got a dark top on, are you

excessively big, excessively small?

- No? - Actually-- actually, average.

- She'll tell you. - Average?

Nothing wrong with that. Oh, she's... Yeah, are you...

- Is it... Are you related? - No!

No, no? Oh, you're just...

You just pointed at another lady's boobs and said average.

You don't know each other? You've just met tonight?

And you think her boobs are average?

I... No bras for you. I can see why she said it.

No bras for you.

Chopsy fuck!

Thank you. And there was somebody at the back I think.

Shout again. There you are.

Woman 7: They said they only got one bra, so I took a coup--

They said... Uh, hold on.

The shop said they only had one bra?

Maybe you got there too late.

"We got one left. You're gonna have to fit it."

"It's all we've got."

"There's a blond lady behind you."

"We're gonna have to turn her away."

You said they only got one bra?

- The only one that will fit-- Sarah: Oh.

"The only one that'll fit you is a Doreen."

I really apologize if there's anybody

called Doreen in the room.

But it's not what you want your bra to be called, is it?

They only had a Doreen. Did you try the Doreen on?

Uh, yes, but it only comes in flesh and--

It only comes in flesh.

Do you mean flesh-colored?

Or do you mean only comes in actual flesh?

Was it part of a woman called Doreen?

[laughs]

"Oh, I'll have the flesh-colored one. Oh, it really smells."

[laughs]

I didn't know, did-- did anybody else know

that they name them after ladies?

Yes, some of you did.

A gosh, a golly gosh and a Doreen.

We've fuckin' learned a lot tonight, haven't we?

Anybody else on this side?

[indistinct]

You forgot to cut your hairy nipples?

Ah, I fuckin' love women. I love women so much.

I'll bet you haven't told your closest friends that,

but you'll tell all of us.

And what happened? Did the lady comment on it or not?

- Gave 'em a stroke. - She gave 'em a little stroke?

Fuck off, she didn't.

Do you want me to plait that for you?

[laughs] Thank you very much. There was another one over here.

Give us a wave. There you are, love. What...

W-- what happened to you, my love?

Woman 8: Um, she had to go and get a second opinion.

She had to get a second opinion?

[laughs] W-- w-- what is so...

W-- What was it she wasn't sure?

Why am I doin' this? I'm so sorry.

This is so offensive. I'm so sorry.

What was it that she didn't understand

that she needed to get checked?

Uh, she thought I had a third nipple.

She thought you had a third nipple?

Well, what fuckin' business is that of hers?

Unless you need a bra for the third one, she should fuck off.

And did you know this? Was this a surprise to you?

Well, I'd been eating bran flakes for break--

You'd been eating bran flakes.

[laughs] I'm guessin' it wasn't a third nipple then?

So she went and got someone...

Had you picked it off in the meantime?

You waited to see what her reaction would be.

[laughs] Oh, my God, that is hilarious.

Yeah, I think she deserves a round of applause.

[audience applauding]

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, well done, Birmingham. That was excellent. Jesus.

In fact, shall we give everybody

a round of applause who joined in?

[applause]

Sometimes I quite like findin' out where people

have gone for their bra fittin'.

Uh, there was a lady who recently shouted out...

And I didn't know this was a thing.

She had her bra fittin' done in Ann Summers.

- Did you know that was a thing? Audience: Yes.

Ooh, few of you did.

Now those ladies who said yes,

answer me this question then.

Do they measure you for everything there?

"Oh, I'm gonna need a bigger one."

"It's just rattlin' around."

There was a lady who once said that she had hers done in Aldi

and I'm almost certain you can't get it done in there.

There's just a nice young lad in the stockroom, very obliging.

You can't make an appointment, you've just gotta go in

and ask if Terry's on.

[laughs] There was a lady who recently shouted out

"Too many mirrors." That's what she shouted out.

"Too many mirrors." And I think she's right.

I think there are too many mirrors,

'cause when I went for mine, the lady said to me,

"And would you like to look at the back of the bra?"

And I thought, "No."

Then I thought maybe I'm missin' out on something,

so had to look. Turns out I've got back tits as well!

"Oh, I didn't know about those."

"Thanks for pointin' them out, you fuckin' cow."

I'm surprised she didn't try to sell me a bra

for the back ones, you know.

But I'll tell you what happened to me, so every now and again,

I have to have a photoshoot. Now I hate photoshoots.

'Cause I have really bad body image issues.

So a photoshoot for somebody like me is a nightmare.

But sometimes they're unavoidable.

And I had two in the space of a fortnight.

One for the cover of my book

and one for the poster for this tour.

And I had a lady who was helping me pick some clothes

for the photoshoots, and I said to her,

"Look, I don't have the time or indeed,

the inclination to lose any weight.

I said, "Could you recommend anything that might make me look

a bit better?" And she said, "Go for a bra fittin'."

She said, "A properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you."

And I said, "How many bras could I wear?"

Front tits, back tits, arse-cheeks maybe.

But the place she recommended to me was,

until about four months ago,

known as the Queens Bra Fitter,

which I find a very odd thing to boast about.

I find that a very unusual thing to brag about.

I've never once watched Trooping The Color on the telly

and thought, "Oh, I wish I had tits like hers."

But I made an appointment at the place she recommended.

I went along to the appointment, I went into the cubicle

with the lady I'd made the appointment with

and I took off me top and I had me best bra on underneath.

It was me best one, too, and that's when I said

to the lady, I said, "This is my best-fittin' bra."

And she went like this. [laughs]

She said, "That's what everyone says."

I said, "Well, maybe, that's what everyone means."

Like, we didn't hit it off at all.

It was fuckin' eggy from the get-go.

She said, "What we need to do with those two..."

Those two?

"What we need to do with those two is lift and separate."

Lift and separate.

I said, "Well, don't separate them too much,

'cause that's what it looks like when I'm in bed."

They way she was talkin', it sounded like she wanted them

to look like a travel pillow.

She gave me a bra to try on and I said to her,

"Would you mind steppin' out of the cubicle

while I put on the bra, then when I've got it on,

I'll shout you back in?"

She looked utterly perplexed by this.

She said, "Well, I have to fit it."

I said, "Yeah, that's the bit where you come back in."

"Didn't tell you to go on your fuckin' dinner break, love."

She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years."

I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years."

And then I thought, "Showing my boobs to strangers,

probably a good 25."

But I didn't wanna add it to my list.

My list of people who've seen my tits.

There's not that many people on my list.

Just a handful of blokes and a window cleaner once

by accident.

We got a bra that fit and she tightened up the straps,

'cause I had them on comfy setting.

You know where they just sort of graze your belly.

I mean, thank God, I've got a belly,

otherwise they'd hit the fuckin' deck.

Well, she tightened up the straps to where they're

supposed to be and then she put one finger

under the strap at the top and she said, "This is the rule,

you should only be able to fit one finger under the strap."

And then she looked at me for a response.

I didn't really know what to say.

I don't know why I said the followin'.

But when she said, "One finger, that's the rule. One finger."

I said, "Oh, that's interestin',

'cause it's two for a dog's collar."

Why the fuck did I say that?

And to make it worse, I then said,

"Are you trying to stop me from losing my boobs in the park?"

Why am I still talkin'? Shut the fuck up!

There was a lady, not long ago, I, uh,

I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fittin'?"

She's an older lady and she said,

"When I took me bra off, me boobs went down like that

so they just measured me waist."

This lady, about a month ago, I was in Scotland,

and she shouted out, I said, "What didn't you like about it?"

And she shouted out,

"I enjoyed it more than I thought I should."

And then she said, "I didn't know how much I'd enjoyed it

till I got home and checked me TENA Lady."

Oh!

And I did have one lady who was really irate about it.

She said, "I didn't like it, 'cause I didn't know

the etiquette, and I took me bra off too early."

How does that work? Was she still on the fuckin' bus?

[laughs]

Oh, yeah, I've got IBS. Give us a whoo if you've got IBS.

Audience: Whoo!

Give us a whoo if you've got the kind

that means you never shit.

There, give us a whoo if you've got the kind

that means you shit all the time.

Audience: Whoo! - Always on the aisle.

Did you hear that? They're always on the aisle.

Gotta be ready to go anytime, anytime.

That's what I've got, I'd hi-five you guys

but me hands are still a bit wet from before.

Um...

What I've got is just quite

an unsophisticated digestive system.

Basically, when I eat a meal, it kind of pushes the last one out.

It essentially means I shit a lot in restaurants.

I was in a restaurant not long ago.

I went to the ladies loo after me meal

and in the ladies loo, were a couple

of really young girls, like 20, 22,

that sort of age and they're up at the mirrors

reapplyin' their lipstick, chattin' about boys,

and I thought, "Oh, God! I hope you leave soon."

"'Cause there's about to be a cacophony."

I always like it. It's like a fireworks display.

'Cause it always starts off like,

pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

And then dogs start barkin', 'cause they don't like it.

Children must always stand well back.

And the golden rule is, you must never return to it.

But I always think if I ever run a buildin' or a venue

or anywhere where there were toilets

that were accessed by the public,

I'd do people like me and those people who whooed,

I'd do people like us a favor.

I'd have some music goin' through those toilets.

Maybe a little brass band in the corner.

Little oompah band, perhaps.

And at Christmas, "Little Drummer Boy" on a loop.

Pa-ra-pa-pum-pum.

Actually, just before last Christmas,

like the day before Christmas Eve,

I was in boots and I bought meself some Anusol cream

and some Rennies.

And the woman on the till was very much

in the Christmas spirit and as she put them in the bag,

she went, "Enjoy!"

But I've got a friend who likes kind of vintage

retro stuff, she's got one of those...

Do you remember those toilet roll holders where

it was the lady with the big dress. Do you remember those?

She's got one of those and I thought,

"I couldn't have one of those in my house.

Her skirt will be off and on so much,

it'd be like fuckin' box face.

Oh, I love my audience.

Like 60% of you got that reference.

And the rest of you are too young and have got something

really fun to google when you get in.

[laughs]

[sighs] When I, uh, mentioned periods before,

I always got a little bit embarrassed when I talk

about periods and I kind of hate myself for it,

'cause it's such a normal, natural thing,

it seems a silly thing to be embarrassed about.

But even when I buy, like, sanitary towels or tampons...

Tampons? I don't know why I said tampons.

What about this says fuckin' tampons?

I can't even roller-skate. [laughs]

I always think tampons are either for women

who can roller-skate

or, therefore, women who definitely know

which hole does what down there.

I am not that woman.

Just give me what's essentially a nappy and I'll try me best.

One thing you might not know, you know non-applicator tampons,

ones that are this sort of size, they were invented

so that women could put them in their hand and go to the loo

in the office or the pub or wherever they are,

wouldn't have to take the handbag

and it was a secret nobody would know.

Doesn't really work for me. I wear nighttime towels.

Looks like I'm takin' a fuckin' bag of crisps.

And a grab bag at that.

But I do get a bit embarrassed when I buy sanitary towels.

What I do now, when I get to the till,

I just pretend they're for somethin' else.

Oh, yeah, I'm just defrostin' me freezer.

I did accidently wash two sanitary towels

in the washing machine once.

I know, I know, They came up lovely though.

Half expected the rest of the laundry to be bone dry.

When, I, uh, married, been married for nearly five years,

uh, been together a lot longer than that.

You know, when you've been in a couple for a while,

there are things you'd happily change

about each other, aren't there?

Nothing serious. Nothing big.

Nothing you'd split up over.

Just trivial things, things that you think,

"Oh, if I could tweak that about him or her,

they would be perfect for me." Give you an example.

When we first got together, one of the first nights

we spent together was in a really grotty B&B.

There was a pair of old man's pants under the bed.

And now they're everywhere.

He's quite a clumsy man. He just spills things quite a lot.

He always mops it up though, unless it's water.

Refuses to mop up water, 'cause in his words,

"It will evaporate."

Which is right, like, science is on his side.

But I told my friend and she said,

"Well, he'd have been no good on the Titanic."

I said, "To be honest, I'm not sure moppin' would've helped."

But he's also not always very romantic.

Even when romance is kind of put around him,

he just doesn't always go with the flow.

We were in a nice restaurant, they started

to light the candles on the tables

and they dimmed the lights, and I got kind of swept up

in the romance of it and I leant in for a kiss.

That's when my husband realized he needed to burp.

Ever the gentleman, he did it out of the corner of his mouth

and then still came back in for the kiss.

I was like, "You're alright, flower."

"Let's just let that one settle

for a while, shall we?"

And that was when I realized it'd gone ever so slightly

darker, 'cause what he'd done,

he burped the fuckin' candle out.

I've got a question for all of you guys.

Give us a whoo if you've never had a wank.

That's what I thought. Interesting, isn't it? Um...

I love the sheer panic on some of your faces.

So you didn't get a chance to whoo.

Always seems to be the family groups

that get affected more than anybody else.

"Oh, God, I'm sittin' beside me mama and me nana

and I didn't get a chance to whoo."

"Oh, darn, me mama and me nana didn't whoo either."

Dirty sons, the lot of ya.

I find when I have, what I like to call Special Sarah Time...

There's different names. You might have a different name.

Rubbin' your button? That one of the names.

Isn't it? Rubbin' your button?

One of my friends calls it checkin' her letters.

Fuck knows what that means.

Special Sarah Time, you can call it that as well,

but change it to your name otherwise it's weird.

When I have Special Sarah Time, I've discovered,

and I don't know if this is normal or not,

I've discovered that all of my sexual fantasies start the same.

They all start exactly the same.

They all start like this: I get in, the dishes are done.

That's how they all start.

Sometimes that's all I need as well.

"Oh! Done."

And I've realized as well that if I orgasm alone,

I'm much more northern

than if I orgasm when somebody else is there.

On my own, every single time, "Ooh, yeah, bugger!"

Every single time.

"Ooh, yeah, bugger!" And then I have a pie.

Some couples like to watch porn together.

Don't... We don't watch porn together.

Largely because I don't really find it does anything for me.

In my limited experience of heterosexual porn,

it seems to be very much geared towards the men.

There doesn't seem to be much there for women at all.

Including one I watched a number of years ago

that was so much from a male point of view

that the camera was the man.

So whoever's watchin' it is watchin' it

through the eyes of a man.

Very disconcerting to watch that as a woman.

As a man, as a woman. As a man.

At one point, the camera moved down, it had an erection.

I nearly fuckin' shot meself.

That's not all, there was a woman goin' at it

like it was a fuckin' pasty. Oh, my God.

To be fair, that's what I'm like with a steak bake.

Oh!

Oh!

Just hit me in the face with it.

Oh!

Calm down, that was gravy.

I thought maybe we could talk to the people who made the porn.

Could we say, could we have something more

from a female point of view, please?

And I thought, you know, what we'll get is not what we want,

but it's what they think we want.

The camera will be the woman

who'll just be facin' a fuckin' headboard.

Headboard. Headboard. Headboard. Headboard. Headboard.

We do, uh, we do watch a lot of, uh...

[laughs] I couldn't remember what non-porn films

where called there for a second. Films.

We do watch a lot of films, go to the cinema quite a lot,

that's probably our main hobby, I suppose.

Uh, a few years ago, we saw the film "Room" at the cinema.

Has anybody seen the film "Room?"

Yes? You might've seen the film, you might've read the book.

I imagine it's even better there generally, aren't they?

If you haven't seen the film though, I do recommend it.

It's an incredible piece of work.

The story is, a teenage girl is abducted

and held prisoner for a number of years

by this kind of psychopath in his sort of outhouse

type of thing. It's hard to watch.

She's raped every day, she falls pregnant,

she has to have the child, she has to raise the child,

all in this one room, hence the title.

It's-- it's brutal. It's emotionally exhaustin'.

I don't want to spoil it.

It's also very empowering at times as well.

It's one of the films when it-- it ends and the titles go up,

everybody in the cinema just kind of stays in their seats

'cause they're all kind of pullin' themselves together.

We were no different. My husband and I just sat in silence.

I'd cried so much, I was just pullin' myself together.

We walked to the car in silence, got in the car,

didn't turn the engine on, sat there quietly.

And I was the one that broke the silence,

and I said to my husband, I said, "God,

that was incredible. What an amazing film."

"That was so powerful, so emotional."

"I've cried so much, I'm absolutely knackered."

My husband still hadn't spoken and I was a little bit worried

'cause it's not as easy for a man to express emotion

as it is for women so I turn to him and I say,

"What did you think of it, love?"

And there's a little pause, and he went,

"Why haven't I got a shed?"

That's what had been bothering him for two fuckin' hours.

We do watch a lot of films, watched "Iron Man"

when it was on the telly not long ago.

If you don't know it, "Iron Man" is a superhero film.

It's not really my cup of tea,

but I do quite like Robert Downey, Jr.

in a white vest. Tick.

So partway through the film, I leant over to my husband

and I went, "You should get a white vest."

And he went, "Oh, would you like that?"

I was like, "Yeah, I think I would."

He was like, "Maybe I'll get a white vest then."

And then later on in the film, something technical happened

and they needed to fix it with tools

and I leant over to my husband and I went,

"You should get a tool belt."

And he went, "Would you like that?"

I was like, "Yeah, I think I would."

He was like, "Maybe I'll get a tool belt then."

And then I entirely forgot my train of thought

and I went, "Ooh, then you could do

that big list of jobs I've got."

I think that's my ideal porn film.

It's just the fixin', not the fuckin'.

Just the fixin', not the fuckin'.

I'd love to watch one where he fixes the washing machine

and then just leaves 'cause he's got another job up.

The washing machine works for years and years and years.

Ooh, yeah, bugger!

Just the fixin', not the fuckin', that's what I want.

To be fair, that's what Jimmy Savile

should've stuck with as well, but anyway.

It's a great reaction, you laughed and you clapped

and you oohed all at that same time.

That's very impressive. Well done.

But I think when you've been in your couple for a while,

you do develop kind of shorthand or a kind of code for things.

Things that you guys would understand within your couple

but maybe others wouldn't.

Uh, I'll give you an example.

A-- a lot of couples seem to me

to have a shorthand for lettin' their partner know

that they fancy some sex that night.

Now before I start the tour, I do a series of previews

where I try out my stories in front of a much smaller crowd.

And at one of those previews, I asked the audience.

I said, "How would you let your partner know

you fancy some sex?"

And a lady shouted out,

"I just flash me arse as I leave the room."

Ooh!

And her husband's like, "Ooh, I'm on."

Another preview, I asked again, I said,

"How would you let your partner know you fancy some sex?"

And a man went, "I put the dog in the crate."

I said, "Is that a euphemism?"

He said, "No, I put an actual dog in an actual crate."

I said, "When do you let the dog back out the crate?"

He said, "When we're finished."

I said, "Doesn't that bother you that

not only does the dog know what you're doing,

the dog knows how long it's takin' ya."

But I told this to one of my friends,

and she said, "Oh, it's the same in our house."

I said, "Really?". She said, "Actually, no. No."

She said, "When we start having sex,

the dog puts himself in the crate."

"Try and shut the little gate with his hands,

blanket over his head, fuckin' headphones on."

But if you don't have a shorthand for fancyin'

a shag and you'd like one, you can use what we do.

I don't mind if you copy us, don't mind at all.

Uh, what we do, say, we're watchin' a film at home,

I'll say something really sexual to get his attention

and then I'll say, "Anyway, back to the film."

Works a treat. I've got two examples.

Use them at your will. They both work very, very well.

Example number one, "Wowzers, my tits are massive."

"Anyway, back to the film."

Works every single time.

Example number two. "Jesus, my fanny feels empty."

"Anyway, back to the film."

I didn't say they were subtle, but they work a fuckin' treat.

We've still not seen the end of "Jurassic World."

But at my final preview before I started the tour properly,

I told the story about the man and the dog and the crates.

I thought it was funny, and a man in the middle of the room

gave me a little wave. I said, "Is everything alright, love?"

"What's goin' on here?" He said, "That was me. That was us."

They'd come to see the show again and I told their story

within the show and his wife was sittin' beside him like this.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God."

And he said, "Don't mind her,

she always gets embarrassed when I talk to you."

I said, "Why are you doing it again then?"

He said, "Oh, she got her own back."

I said, "Oh, really?" He said, "Yeah."

He said, "Put it this way, after your show,

the dog didn't see the inside of the crate for nearly a week."

But while you're workin' out what your shorthand

for fancy a shag might be, you need to know

that they don't all work.

We were lyin' in bed a few months ago.

It was very late, both very tired.

But for whatever reason, my husband couldn't sleep,

he was wide awake, so I said to him in the dark,

in my most coquettish voice,

I said, "Is there anything I can do

that might help you fall asleep?"

And he said, "Oh, yes, you could be quiet."

My husband isn't great at giving compliments

and I love a compliment, so what we do is I kind of

tee them up for him and he tries his best.

I was in the shower and my husband came

in the bathroom to brush his teeth

and I thought, "I'll tee up a compliment."

Now we don't go to the toilet in front of each other,

'cause we're saving that for retirement.

But he came in the bathroom to brush his teeth

and I thought I'll tee up a compliment, so I said to him,

I said, "Have I got a good arse?"

And my husband is not the sort of man

who can quickly say yes or no. He's a very methodical man.

He's a very logical man.

He had to, what he would call, verify the data.

So he had a proper look at my arse and then he said,

"Yes, you have." I said, "Thanks."

He said, "Big fan." I said, "Didn't ask about that."

I was once shaving my legs in the bath.

You know when I say shave my legs, you know I mean

everything else as well, don't you? Yes, good.

Normally just start at me toes and keep goin'.

Ooh!

[grunts] Ooh!

And I cut my toe shavin'. Now if you're under 40,

you'd probably think that's disgustin'.

If you're over 40, you know it's a fact of fuckin' life.

I went downstairs and I told my husband

that I had cut myself shavin'

and he genuinely looked at my face.

We got an app on our phones called Find Friends.

If you don't know what Find Friends is, it's an app

where you can kind of sync up with each other,

you can see where each other are, kind of check each other

are alright. I've synced up with my husband.

I don't really think he uses it very much though,

'cause I said to him, "Have you noticed it wasn't

really workin' and now it's workin'?"

He said, "What's that? I said, "Find Friends."

He said, "I don't really know what that is."

So I described it to him

just like I did to you guys

and he said, "Yeah, I don't really,

I don't really look at that."

I said, "Do you never sometimes wonder if I'm alright?"

And he went, "Nope."

And I thought, I wonder what it would take.

I wonder if there were like a big pile of dishes,

he'd be like, "Hold on, I had a wife."

Or he'd ring the police and say, "My sock drawer is empty.

I think my wife is missin'."

And the police would say, "Can you give us a description?"

And he'd say, "They're all black

apart from one pair with Daleks on it."

I think when you've been together a while,

people start to give you suggestions on how to

spice up your sex life, don't they?

Different ways you can spice up your sex life.

It always occurs to me that there's shoppin' involved.

There's always shoppin' involved, anything from

an unmarked Jiffy bag through your letterbox,

all the way to, like, a trolley around B&Q.

And then you've gotta get a handyman out

who can fit the hooks to the ceilin',

there's so much work involved

and I just can't be asked

and that's another thing off the list as well.

Oh, good, about a third of you got that.

For the rest of you, I don't take it up the shitter.

To be honest, with my IBS, there's just too much traffic

goin' in the other direction.

Don't know if you've ever tried to pull out at a busy junction,

but it's a bit like that.

We did find a really easy way to spice up our sex life.

If you're lazy like us, then this might

appeal to you as well.

What we do every now and again,

we just swap sides in bed.

That's all we do. We swap sides.

The first time we did it, I was like,

"Ooh, it's like we're on holidays."

But I think I must've been spanked a lot as a child,

'cause I can't make it sexy as an adult.

No matter how much I try, I just keep sayin', "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

Luckily, my husband finds apologies a massive turn on

and he just makes me go and sit on the naughty cock.

Oh, yeah, I was in London quite recently for work

and I had a couple of hours to spare and I thought

I wanted to do a bit of shopping.

And I totally recently bought myself my very first hoodie

and it's so comfy and cozy, I thought I'm gonna treat meself

to another one, save the faffin' though.

I'll just get the same one again

but in a different color.

So I was on the phone with me husband, anyway,

and I thought I'll get him to check what size

my current hoodie is, he said, "No problem, where is it?"

I said, "It's on the back of the chair in the bedroom."

So I'm chattin' away to him as he goes up the stairs

and then he said, "Is it the blue one?" I said, "Yeah."

He said, "What do you need from me again?"

I said, "Just read the label.

I just wanna know what size it is."

There was a little pause and he went, "Fat face."

He genuinely thought that was a size.

Like somewhere there's a shop where the size are

small face, big face, fat face, fuckin' huge face.

I was in, uh, I was in hospital last year,

not for very long, not for anything serious.

They gave me one of those gowns, it doesn't quite

shut at the back, and then she said, "The next thing we need

from you is a urine sample."

Give us a whoo if you've ever given a urine sample.

Audience: Whoo!

Give us a whoo those of you who are women.

Audience: Whoo!

It's tricky, isn't it? It's tricky.

She gave me a bottle with a neck like that.

And I go, "Well, I'll wait till she brings the funnel."

No funnel came.

And I thought, "How am I supposed to hit that

with me twin jets?"

Now I don't wanna tell you too much about me down there,

but suffice to say, it's not a '70s bush by any means.

But it's also not child bald.

Put it this way, there's just enough hair

to put a pedophile off.

Which still made this quite tricky.

So I put it in position.

I started me wee, wee came out of a different area.

I stopped me wee, I moved it to that area,

I started me wee again, wee came out of a third area.

It's like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge.

I felt a little bit like I was on "The Cube."

And then she said, "The next thing we need to know

is what size you are for the stockings."

You know, the sort of DVT tights that they put on

after you've had surgery. I said, "Okay."

She came along with a variety of sizes.

She started with a size small

and I thought, "Ooh, somebody's got time to kill."

I'd start off with the large personally,

but I tried the smaller and they fit.

They fit. I'm a small in hospital.

I must've had such an odd expression on my face,

'cause she said, "Are you alright?"

And I just went, "Why aren't you a shop?"

And then she gave me the paper knickers.

You know the paper knickers they make you wear?

My husband said, "I find them quite sexy."

I said, "Do you? Why?"

He said, "I think I could rip them off."

Just so you know, if you do a fart in them,

same thing happens.

We went on holiday last year, my husband and I

went to New York, did a lot walking around New York.

We developed kind of a playful competition

regardin' our steps, we don't have Fitbits or anything fancy

like that, just the app on our phones we were usin'.

At the end of every day, we compare numbers and generally,

he'd done about 2000 more steps than I had every single day

and I couldn't figure out why, we're spendin'

all of our time together, all I was thinkin' was

what the fuck is he doin' while I'm in the bath.

Is he just standin' outside the bathroom door doin' this?

So the last night before I went to him the followin' mornin',

I came to a bit of a head.

I said, "How many steps have you done?"

And he'd done 15,000 and somethin'

and I'd done 13,000 and somethin'.

I said, "You know what, I don't know why this is happenin',

but I don't like it and I don't think it's fair."

And as I was talkin' to him, he started to walk towards me

and I said, "Oh, before you come in here,

will you get us a glass of water?"

And he went and got us a glass of water, and then I said,

"I think I've left me book over there."

I went, "Fuck, that's what it is, isn't it?

It's 2000 bossy steps every single day.

But while we were in New York, we saw a couple of shows.

Uh, one of the shows, didn't know anything about it,

just heard it was really good.

Now if I'd known it was gonna be

as emotional a show

as it turned out to be, I wouldn't have worn

quite so much eye makeup, rookie mistake.

And I'm a crier, I cry at lots of things.

I cried at this show basically from eight minutes into it

until it finished, but when it came to the interval,

the queue for the ladies loo was huge,

and I said to my husband, "Do us a favor."

"Save me gettin' in that queue. Will you just check me face?"

"Just check me face, check under me eyes, have a look

and see if there's anything that needs sort of urgently fixin'."

And again, he can't just glance and glance away,

he had to start scannin' from the top of me head.

It's like goin' out with a fuckin' Terminator.

[imitating robotic whirring]

He said, "It's all black under your eyes."

And I thought bloody mascara.

So I remembered I had a compact mirror in me handbag.

I got it out and I had a look and my makeup was perfect.

What he'd spotted there was how old and tired I am.

Oh, yeah, he saw the end of "Jurassic World"

that fuckin' night.

But, weirdly, I've now got two compact mirrors

in my handbag, I've got that one and another one

I bought relatively recently from a garden center.

I love a garden center, you know what they put

at the garden center, that's not garden.

It's just teapots and scarves and jam.

Fuckin' love that bit.

And I picked up a magnifying mirror

'cause I thought it'd be good for the old

'tache and beard situation.

The magnifying mirror is 12 times magnified.

Twelve times! It's like watchin' the fuckin' "Blue Planet."

You can see them burstin' into life.

It's really quite beautiful.

So I paid for the mirror at the till,

I chucked it in me handbag, thought nothin' more of it.

Can you guess which one I got back out the next time

I needed to look at me fanny? Can you guess? Can you guess?

It was huge.

Couldn't work out if it looked like a horror film

or the best puddin' I'd ever seen.

But obviously, until you spend a lot of time in hotels,

and you tend to watch whatever's on the telly,

whatever time you get in,

which is my way of sayin'

that I've seen "Naked Attraction."

Has anybody else seen "Naked Attraction?"

Thank God for that. I thought I'd fuckin' dreamt it.

If you haven't, I will explain it to you,

but you might not believe me, be warned.

"Naked Attraction" is a dating program

where the person choosing the date

chooses from various people who are naked

in Perspex boxes

and revealed section by section from the bottom up.

Now every time I've seen it, it's always been

really young people. 20, 22, 24 at most.

And I was thinkin', what if they have older people on there?

Older people need dates as well,

it's not very fair, not very diverse,

and then I realized like that.

I am 43.

If I was on that program, they'd open

the bottom box and be like, "Well, it's just supposed

to be her legs, but you can see her tits as well."

With me, they'd be better off starting from the top.

Head. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits, belly, fanny.

Feet.

I do like to go home as much as possible when I'm on tour.

It's really nice to sleep in your own bed, isn't it?

A few months ago, I woke up in my own bed.

I was kind of of faffing on my phone

like we all tend to do when we wake up these days.

The dog was lyin' on one of me boobs.

Now when they're in a bra, that's quite tricky,

but when they're on the loose, that's just like a big

flat comfy dog bed for him.

So he's lyin' in there, my husband had got out of bed

and was startin' to get his clothes on.

And after a few minutes, the dog decided it was time

to get up, so he pushed himself up off my boob.

Pushed himself up

with all of his might and it really hurt.

So I made a noise, a noise of pain.

Unbeknownst to me, what was happenin'

at exactly that same moment,

my husband was right in front of me, naked,

bendin' over to pick up a sock off the floor.

He thought I made that noise

because I'd just seen his splayed arsehole.

The noise that I made was this. Ugh!

I said I would never make a noise like that at you.

That's so hurtful, I would never make a noise like that.

I might do a face.

And perhaps a small amount of quiet wretchin'.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

I don't get in the newspapers very much,

which is a good thing, 'cause I'm a very private person.

But a few months ago, there was a story about me

in the "Irish Mirror." Started in the "Irish Mirror"

and it moved across to all of the UK tabloids as well.

And the story was this, the story was

that I'd been on a huge health kick

and had lost a dramatic amount of weight.

Now I can't see all of your faces, but the ones I can see

down here, you're right to have this expression on them.

Huh?

I've not been on a health kick. I've not lost any weight.

In fact, I'm fatter than I've ever been

and I could not give less of a shit!

[audience cheering]

How they came to their conclusion,

their story if you like, they found a photograph

I was in a sort of group shot

that was taken at the end of a TV record.

They compared that to a photograph

a friend had taken of me

and they cross-referenced those two photographs

with a third one from my Instagram account.

So the group shot was a photograph taken at the end

of an episode of "Never Mind The Buzzcocks"

and I had my arm around Lethal Bizzle.

Now if you're over 20, just pretend I said David Essex,

doesn't matter who that was.

Whenever you've got your arm around somebody,

everything lifts up, it's very unflattering and, of course,

I don't get to okay that photograph.

The one they compared it to, the one a friend had taken of me,

was nice, 'cause your friends take nice photos of you

'cause your friends like you.

And also your friends don't mind if you take their phones

off them and delete all of the ones you fuckin' hate.

So they compared those two and they cross-referenced them

with a third one from my Instagram account

which was off some satsumas.

I shit you not, ladies and gentlemen,

this is journalism today.

Now what I didn't like about it was the story

wasn't fat woman gets thin, which is not news anyway.

The story was fat woman gets better and that boils my piss.

The idea that women are told by the media

that only one body shape is allowed

and everything else is disgustin' and needs rectifyin'

is something I quite frankly will not fucking tolerate!

[audience cheering]

Thanks.

If I'm on the telly and I stand beside any woman at all,

I feel huge, I feel like a wardrobe.

But if I wander around Asda, I blend in.

But if I stand beside any woman on the telly

say, Amanda Holden, lovely woman,

if I stand beside Amanda Holden, she looks like my next meal.

Oh, has my Deliveroo arrived?

Sorry, I didn't see you there, Amanda.

You shouldn't hold a plastic fork.

Like, that's very confusing

for people like me.

Well, I pick up what I think is a crisp off the floor.

Turns out it's Kylie fuckin' Minogue.

She's gotta get to a show, guys, let's give her a hand.

[blows]

The thing is I've got a belly.

Give us a cheer if you've got a belly.

[audience cheering]

Some of your bellies might be bigger than mine,

some of them might be smaller than mine.

It doesn't fucking matter.

What I don't understand is

why I'm supposed to hate my belly.

I quite like my belly. It's full of things I love.

I do, I quite like it, sometimes I rub it like this

for comfort.

Now if this was pregnant,

people would want to touch it, wouldn't they?

If this was pregnant, people would ask about the sex

and I'd say it's pretty much the same way you do,

just a bit more slappy.

If this was pregnant, people would ask when's it due,

and I'd say, "It sort of depends what I've had for me tea."

If it's bread, I'd stand well back if I were you.

To be fair, it was once scanned.

But that was by accident at a self-service checkout.

There's no mystery to it, there's no magic to it.

The reason I've got a belly is 'cause I like to eat food.

It's really that straightforward.

Have you ever been in a restaurant

and ordered one dessert and two spoons?

One dessert and two spoons

so you can get it in faster.

What I'd say to you, if you've got a belly,

next time you see your belly, maybe you're getting ready

for bed after the show, maybe on the shower in the morning,

whenever it is, just give it a little comforting rub.

And just say to yourself, "Some people are beach body ready

and some of us are Christmas body ready."

I do genuinely worry about people who are beach body ready

at Christmas, 'cause they're like

"Oh, God, I've just had a Matchmaker and I'm stuffed."

And I'm like, "Well, I've been training for this whole year,

get out of me fuckin' way."

I do sometimes get myself in a bit of a tizzy

about these things, so do you ever start a conversation

with your partner with the words, "You know what!"

And they know just to shut the fuck up.

I had one of those very conversations

about this exact thing with my husband

quite recently, I said to him, "You know what?"

I'd said, "Do you know what, when I'm on the telly,

I feel like a fuckin' giant sometimes."

"I feel like a fuckin' giant!"

I said, "You know what, I bet next time I'm on one of those

chat shows like 'Graham Norton' or 'Jonathan Ross,'

they'll have all the Hollywood stars lined up on the sofa."

"The teeny, tiny Hollywood stars

all lined up on the sofa."

"Then when it's my turn to come out

they won't say my name. No."

"They'll all just stand up and go,

'Fee fi fo fum!'"

"And all the wine glasses will ripple

like in 'Jurassic fuckin' Park.'"

"And I won't get to sit on that sofa."

"No, no, they'll just open a window and there'll be

my massive fuckin' eye."

And my husband said, "That's not what I thought

you were gonna say."

"So what did you think I was gonna say?"

He said, "I thought you were gonna say that

when you sat on the sofa,

all the Hollywood stars went flying."

Well, my sister used to do, uh, massage

and she said, "Be careful of the rubbing that you do."

And I said, "Why?" She said, "Doing that can make you shit."

I said, "Maybe I haven't got IBS after all."

"I'm just rubbing shit out of meself."

I do like to keep fit, I went on the exercise bike,

ooh, four years ago now.

Still fuckin' regular. Fuck off.

And my friend said to me, "Look, you only need to do 20 minutes

to get any benefit." She said, "Just set your kitchen timer."

"Then you'll know when it's time to come off."

I was like, "That's a great idea."

So I set the kitchen timer at 20 minutes.

I got on the exercise bike, the first thing I did when I got off

was checked what can I eat now,

'cause that's what you do, isn't it?

I work out how many calories I've burned off

and what that food is and if I can eat it.

Half a cashew, that's what I burned off.

Half of one cashew.

I don't even like cashew nuts.

I mean, I still eat it obviously.

And then the kitchen timer went off and I knew

me biscuits were cooked. Smashin'.

A few months ago, I decided

to treat myself to some posh shampoo.

Now normally when I buy shampoo, I buy whatever's on offer.

Three for two, two for one.

Nine for five. I'm not bothered.

'Cause I think shampoo is glorified washing up liquid

in a fancy bottle, but this day, I don't know why,

I decided to treat myself to some posh shampoo,

went to a posh toiletry shop.

They had like a wall of shampoo. So many different kinds.

I'm lookin' at all the different kinds.

They didn't have the kind that I wanted

'cause they never have the kind that I want.

'Cause the kind that I want doesn't exist.

The kind that I want is a bottle of shampoo that just says

to clean your hair. That's all I want.

There are so many insults on bottles of shampoos these days.

So many personal questions. "Are you dry?"

Things are still going very well, but I'm not sure

why it's relevant. Thanks for asking.

"Are you greasy?" I probably just had chips, so, yes.

"Are you difficult to manage?" Abso-fucking-lutely I am.

The woman who worked in the shop kind of sidled up to me.

And I thought this is why I don't normally go in posh shops

like this 'cause now I've got to have a fuckin' conversation.

They don't talk to you in Superdrug

unless you're trying to nick stuff.

Just so you know.

She sidled up to me and she said,

"What do you struggle with?"

And looking back. I think she meant me hair.

And I just went anxiety,

me weight, and today thrush.

She properly looked at me hair

and she said, "You struggle with your volume."

All I said to her was I just want clean hair.

That's all I said, but I said it as loud as I could

right into her fuckin' ear.

"There's no problem with my volume, bitch."

In the same shop, they had something called home spray.

And I asked the lady what home spray was.

She explained it was kind of air freshener. I said, "Okay."

And then she said, "Is there a room in your house

that could do with smellin' better?"

I said "I've got IBS, love."

"All of my rooms could do with smelling better."

I said, "What flavor?" She didn't like that.

She wanted me to say scent or smell.

I said, "What flavor would be good for a toilet then?

She said, "Orange and bergamot."

Now I don't know what bergamot is.

But now I've got the spray, I know it smells of shit.

But I bought the spray and I kind of subtly put it

on the windowsill in our toilet, and a few days later,

I noticed my husband hadn't used it.

I said, "You haven't used this special spray."

He said, "What's this special spray for?"

I said, "It's for if you've made a bad smell."

He said, "Oh, that spray. Is that what I keep smellin'?"

I said, "Yeah, what did you think it was?"

He said, "Oh, I just thought you had a fancy, man."

I was like, "Just comes 'round when I've done a shit!"

That is fucking niche, mate.

But generally, I'm not a very girly girl, but I do quite like

painting my toenails, and that's quite a recent thing.

I used to find it quite problematic to paint

my toenails 'cause I've got a lot of stuff here.

When I concertina my body together,

there's often still quite the gap to bridge.

So I've found a really good way of doin' it.

If you are similarly endowed, then listen up,

this might be helpful to you.

What I do now is I sit on a chair,

I bring one leg up.

I put a boob either side of the leg

and then I paint my toenails as fast as I can

until I run out of breath.

But as I get older,

I'm getting much better at using the word no.

I used to be rubbish at saying no.

Used to say yes all the time. Yes too much. Yes to everything.

To the point where I felt a bit like a doormat.

Felt like I was being used, I suppose.

And then I went through a phase of saying yes

but immediately regretting it.

And then I went through a phase saying no

but then in a really kind of wishy-washy,

namby-pamby sort of way.

Now if somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do,

I just go like this, "No."

My friend pointed out that my voice changes.

So if I do wanna do, then I go,

"Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks very much."

And if I don't, I go, "No."

No apology, no explanation,

just... no.

Made a list of some of the things

I've said no to over the years.

First thing on my list:

I said no to openin' a sexual health clinic

on the Isle of Wight.

You know, when I say openin', I mean cuttin' a ribbon,

not gettin' plan information, you know...

I said no to a voiceover for an advert

they thought I was perfect for.

And I thought, "Let's see what you think I'm perfect for."

It was an advert for soil.

All I can think is that they googled my name

and it said I was very dirty.

And they were like, "Yup, she'll do that. She's dirty."

Down there, she's probably got worms, yep, yep, yep.

This one's very straight-forward.

I say no to skinny jeans

'cause I find them very thrushy.

Very straight-forward that one.

I say no to giving my e-mail address

to shop assistants. Have you had this?

Actually, the last time it happened, I didn't say no,

I said a different word, I got to the till

and the man on the till said,

"And your e-mail address is?"

And I said, "Irrelevant."

I say no to guinea pigs. Don't say aww.

Somebody, if they say aww, they're shit.

They are budget rabbits at best.

Go on, spend another couple of pounds,

treat yourself to some fuckin' ears.

Well, think about it. Think about "Watership Down."

If "Watership Down" was guinea pigs instead of rabbits,

you wouldn't cry at the end, would you?

You'd go like this, "Mm."

Nobody ever made a vibrator out of a guinea pig, did they?

You know why? 'Cause this bit's really important.

This one.

I say no to people in the street with clipboards.

There was a few people agreeing with that over there

unless they're standin' outside the stationery shop

and there's an offer on clipboards

'cause I love stationery more than fuckin' life itself.

I say no to notebooks and aspirational signs

that say anything to do with dreams.

Make your dreams come true.

Make your dreams a reality.

'Cause I always think do you mean my actual dreams,

like the ones I have in the night?

How would you make those come true?

Are you sure?

You want me to find out where The Rock lives?

You want me to go to his house,

wait until he gives me the kittens

and then take me top off? Is that what you want?

Is that what you want?

I say no to slates instead of plates. Have you had this?

You're in a perfectly nice restaurant

and they bring your dinner

on a bit of fuckin' roof.

I was at the Edinburgh Fringe in August last year

and I was genuinely served a fry-up in a fryin' pan.

Because mornings aren't my best time,

I'm not in my most alert on a mornin',

I ate it really quickly because I was worried

they were waitin' for the pan.

This next one's a little bit controversial.

Not everybody likes this one.

There's three to go, by the way.

I said no to a gig at the Queen's Jubilee.

Because I was picking up a kitten.

I'd had eight years of my life without any pets.

The longest I've ever gone,

uh, because of the lifestyle, of my job.

And then my husband and I realized

we were finally in a position

where we could definitely look after a cat.

And our friend's cat had just had kittens

so we locked a date in my diary

when that kitten could leave his mum and come and live with us.

So it was locked in my diary.

And my agent, she said, "But it's the Queen's Jubilee."

And I said, "But it's a kitten."

And she tried all ways to persuade me

and in the end, I just said, "Look, I don't care

how good her tits are. I'm not fuckin' goin'."

Second last one.

I said no to someone shoving a crunchy up my fanny.

Now I don't know when you last had a crunchy.

You might not remember the chocolate is very thin

and would have fizzled off in no time.

It's a very angular cinder toffee, that would have hurt.

And also, I don't do adverts, anyway.

It wasn't even a Friday.

And the last one on my list.

I say no to people

driving up the closed lane and cuttin' in.

Do you know what I mean by this? Yeah.

So we all see the sign at the same point, don't we?

The sign that says in 800 yards, this lane will close,

this lane will close and this lane will remain open.

Now I'd like to consider myself a good driver.

I immediately start working my way across

to the lane that will remain open.

Some people though just drive to the front of the other lanes

and cut in.

Now if this me and this is you,

you better hope that your car

is not bigger than a fuckin' pube.

Because that is the gap that I'm leavin' between me

and the car in front of me.

Now that is very clearly a no action,

that driver must surely understand what's going on,

but I always want them to see my face sayin' no as well.

So I wait until they side up, 'cause they do that, don't they?

They drive up alongside you,

they glance across at you and your car

in a slightly sort of pleadin' way.

"Oh, go on. Let me in."

"I'm only drivin' an Audi TT."

"I'm just a cunt."

Now is when I glance across at them and I go like this,

No!

No!

And just to make sure they definitely get the message,

I do this. Oh!

When I, uh, when I buy knickers.

Alright, that's where we're goin' now, kids.

When I buy knickers, I buy them from Marks & Spencer's

'cause things are going quite well for me.

And I buy a multipack of five.

Now the shape that I buy, I don't buy the giant ones

that I could tuck my tits into,

but I equally don't buy the teeny tiny ones

that I might lose.

You know those ones that you're gettin' ready for bed

and you're like, "I'm sure I put knickers on today."

"My vagina appears to have eaten them."

I get the somewhere-in-the-middle ones,

that's what I get, the somewhere-in-the-middle ones,

and I get a multipack of five

and I get the multicolored ones.

Example, the most recent pack I bought

was an orange pair with white trim.

Love the color orange. A white pair with orange trim.

I see what you've done, you've jazzed up

a borin' pair of knickers.

Orange and white stripe, be happy with those.

Navy blue with white spots, they're me favorites.

And there's always a kind of generic nana flowery pair

that I do not find offensive.

My point is this, I think that Marks & Spencer's

are missin' a trick.

Why don't they do a period pack of knickers?

Pink, red, red, red, brown.

For those optimistic months,

pink, red, red, brown, red, fuck.

But obviously, doing this for a livin',

I get home very late at night often.

And I got home at 2:00 in the mornin' once

and my husband was still up and he said,

"I've got something to show you in the bedroom."

And I thought, "Oh, I'm not in the mood."

"Let the dog out the crate."

We went to the bedroom, my husband switched

on the big light and gestured into the bed.

He went like this, "Ta-da!"

Ta-da!

He changed the beddin'.

Ta-da!

You know that way that some men want a badge for somethin'

women do all the time.

The duvet cover he put on was a nice one,

it's a really nice one, it's a white one that we have

and it has a stripe of kind of reddish flowers

and a stripe of kind of bluish flowers, it's really nice.

The pillowcase he put on were mint green.

No!

I said, "What have you done that for?"

He said, "Done what?" I said, "They don't match."

He said, "It doesn't matter," and I thought,

"Oh, he's sort of right. Isn't he?"

And then I realized why it did matter

and I said, "Yeah, but when I go to change it again,

if I haven't done all me washings,

I won't have all me sets.

And he went, "It's gonna be dark in a minute."

And I thought, "His reasonin' is really sound."

But even though it was 2:00 in the mornin',

I still made him change the pillowcases.

We got into bed straight afterwards.

My husband's a really calm, easygoing, lovely man.

He just start to fall asleep. I couldn't though.

I was wide awake because I was livid.

Even though it was all fixed, I was still fuckin' furious.

And I said to him, "Can I say something?"

And he said, "Of course." I said, "You know when you hear

on the news that in America,

a man has been stabbed 77 times

in a frenzied attack by his wife."

He said, "Yeah." I said, "I get it."

Did the police check the pillowcases?

Did the police check to see if there was a teaspoon

back in the drawer that had been rinsed

but not properly fuckin' washed?

Did the police check to see there's a toilet roll

just balanced on the holder but not slotted

on the fuckin' thing?

My husband said, "Look, it's all sorted now."

"Why don't we just try and get some sleep?"

I said, "Well, I'm not sure I can."

He said, "Why not?" I said, "I'm wide awake."

So he said to me in the dark,

in his most coquettish voice,

he said, "Is there anything I could do

that might help you fall asleep?"

I said, "Oh, you could rub me butt until I pass out."

"And do it fuckin' quietly."

"Oh, you bugger."

I've got a new theory. See what you think of this.

I think this is a pretty good theory.

My theory is that the older we get,

the longer it takes us to go to bed.

So if you know somebody in their 80s

and they go to bed at 9 o'clock,

that's not what time she goes to bed,

that's what time she starts her checks.

I have made a comprehensive list

of everything I do before I go to bed.

You might have some of these things in common.

Let us see. The first thing on my list,

the first thing I do before I go to bed is I empty the dog.

Now you might call it walkin' the dog,

but it's pretty functional at that time of night.

I empty the dog.

Then I check the cat. We've got two housecats.

I check that they're alright and then if we've had it on,

I'll turn the heatin' down.

Then I check that the conservatory doors

that have never been opened are closed.

And I do that twice.

I apply ointments to various orifices.

I take my makeup off. I put my face cream on.

Now sometimes I don't bother takin' my makeup off

and I just put my face cream straight on top

and I wake up and I look like a shiny panda.

I swill the bath of earlier pubes.

I do a poo.

I reapply the cream.

I wash the finger.

I check the cooker that hasn't been on is off.

Sometimes, not always, but I might have a wank.

Then I'll have me last wee, which if I've had a wank

can take a bit longer 'cause my fanny is confused.

Do a fart.

I reapply the cream.

And finally, I rub the finger on the inside of my nightie.

[audience cheering]

It's a great reaction, 'cause you're all like,

"Oh, that's disgusting. I do that as well."

You've been such a delight. You really have.

Um, let me leave you with one final thing.

Uh, I was in the car and I had the radio on

and a song came on by Little Mix.

Now I love Little Mix, 'cause I love a good pop song

and I think that's what they're excellent at.

They're excellent in pop songs.

But I also like them because I, too,

like to dance in my knickers

and that feels like a lot of their job as well.

Now the song that came on was very good,

but it was very breathy. All of the lyrics were very breathy.

Everything they sang started with a [deep breath]

and ended with a [deep breath] It's very odd.

I used to produce audiobooks for a livin'.

That's the sort of thing we would have cut out in an edit

'cause it just sounds weird.

But this was through the whole song.

It was clearly intentional.

And I thought, you know, maybe this is just

what sexy is these days.

I'm in my 40s. How the fuck would I know?

So I kind of forgot about it.

And a few days later, I was sitting at home on my own.

I was watching the telly. It was about midnight.

My husband was workin' away and he rang me.

And in that split second it took me to answer the call,

I thought, "I'm gonna see if this works."

So I answered the phone and I said,

"How's your day been, love?"

[breathing sharply]

And there's a little pause and my husband said,

"Are you in the bedroom?" And I thought, "Oh, my God,

it's working, it's working."

I said, "What made you say that, love?"

[breathing sharply]

He said, "'Cause you sound like you've just gone up the stairs."

You've been so lovely. Thank you very much

for coming out. Goodnight.

[audience cheering]

[instrumental music]