Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

*

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[ AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING ]

THANK YOU, SEATTLE.

THANK YOU AND WELCOME, AND THANK YOU FOR A DAY WITHOUT RAIN.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I JUST GOT SOME GREAT NEWS THAT I'M EXCITED ABOUT.

I JUST GOT A DEVELOPMENT DEAL PICKED UP. IT'S A NEW REALITY SHOW.

IT'S AN EXTREME MAKEOVER SHOW FOR MIDDLE-AGE LESBIANS CALLED...

THIS OLD BULL DYKE.

WE ALREADY HAVE A SPONSOR. WOLVERINE STEEL-TOED BOOTS HAS PICKED IT UP.

WE HAD ANOTHER TITLE, BUT THE CENSORS NIXED IT.

IT WAS ORIGINALLY GONNA BE CALLED PIMP MY MUFF.

I AM STAYIN' TONIGHT-- OR THIS WEEK AT THE HOTEL 1000,

AND WOULD LIKE TO TALK FOR JUST A SECOND ABOUT THEIR TOILETS.

THEY'VE GOT THE BEST TOILETS EVER, MAN. THEY'RE AMA-

YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE THINGS.

NUMBER ONE, THE SEAT IS HEATED. NOW, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A LOT.

BUT IF YOU'RE USED TO A COLD TOILET SEAT, AND THEN YOU SIT ON A WARM TOILET SEAT,

IT'S NICE.

IT, LIKE, RELAXES YOUR BOWEL MUSCLES, AND KIND OF...

JUST HELPS YOU CRAP, YOU KNOW.

IT'S REALLY NICE.

AND THEN ON THE WALL, THERE'S SOME BUTTONS,

AND ONE OF THEM SAYS "REAR CLEANSING," AND ONE OF THEM SAYS "FRONT CLEANSING."

AND THERE'S A DIAGRAM OF A GUY SITTIN' ON A TOILET...

WITH A STREAM OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP HIS ASS.

SO I PUSHED A BUTTON,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M THAT GUY.

I AM.

I AM SITTIN' ON THE TOILET WITH A STREAM OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP MY ASS,

AND IT'S AMAZING...

HOW ACCURATE THIS THING IS.

I DON'T KNOW IF EVERYBODY'S BUTTHOLE IS IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE,

BUT THIS THING HAS GOT ME DEAD CENTER.

THEN THERE'S ANOTHER BUTTON BELOW THAT BUTTON, AND IT SAYS "OSCILLATE."

AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?"

NOW I HAVE A ROTATING STREAM OF WATER SHOOTIN' UP MY ASS,

AND IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT THAT I REALIZED...

THAT 50,000,000 GAY MEN CAN'T BE WRONG.

I'M SINGING SONGS TO THIS TOILET. I'M IN LOVE.

* I HONESTLY LOVE YOU

MY WIFE CAUGHT ME SPREADIN' CAKE ON MY ASS JUST SO I COULD GO WASH IT OFF.

"IS THAT CAKE?"

"NO.

"I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.

DON'T WAIT UP."

I'M GONNA TRY TO TELL YOU THIS STORY.

THIS HAPPENED ON TUESDAY.

I'M GOIN' HOME FROM THE PETSMART IN THE CAR WITH TWO DOGS AND A WIFE.

MY WIFE SAYS I GOTTA STOP AT THE BANK, AND I SAY "SHIT," OR WHATEVER I SAID.

UH, BECAUSE I DON'T GO IN THE BANK. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

I STAY IN THE CAR WITH THE DOGS. SHE SAYS, "I'LL BE FIVE MINUTES."

BUT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO SUCH THING AS FIVE MINUTES WITH THIS WOMAN.

AND SHE GOES IN, AND I KNOW THE DOGS NEED TO PEE.

AT OUR BANK, THERE'S ONE PIECE OF MANICURED LAWN...

THAT HAS TWO SIGNS THAT BOTH SAY...

"NO DOGS."

SO I TOOK MY DOGS OVER THERE.

THIS GUY COMES WADDLIN' OUT OF THE BANK WITH A BIG SCOWL ON HIS FACE,

AND HE GOES, "THE SIGN SAYS 'NO DOGS.'"

I SAID, "THE SIGN'S WRONG.

THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY 'TWO DOGS.'"

I SAW A COMMERCIAL THE OTHER DAY, AND I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ORGANIZATION,

AND I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO THEY THINK THEY'RE EVER GONNA HELP.

IT WAS FOR A COMPANY CALLED...

WWW.DON'TSHAKEABABY.COM.

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA GET UP HERE AND TAKE A BIG PRO-BABY-SHAKING STANCE,

SO YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND RELAX, SEATTLE.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP,

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE SUCH AN INBRED, METH-HEAD SHIT-HOOK...

THAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER SHAKIN' A BABY,

THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA HELP YOU IS A BEHEADING.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NOW, I KNOW THERE'S PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT GOING,

"BUT RON, RON, RON-- BUT RON!

WHAT IF THE BABY'S ASKIN' FOR IT?"

DON'T SHAKE A BABY!

"WHAT IF I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS AND I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE?"

YEAH, EVEN THEN.

I WENT ONTO WWW.DON'TSHAKEABABY.COM,

AND THEY HAVE LINKS TO SIMILAR WEB SITES.

THEY HAVE A LINK TO WWW.DON'T-STICK-YOUR-DICK- IN-A-TOASTER.COM,

AND... THEY HAVE A LINK...

TO WWW.DON'T-SHOVE-A-FERRET- IN-YOUR-ASS.COM.

AND THERE'S A LOT OF REASONS WHY YOU DON'T WANT A FERRET IN YOUR ASS,

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT LIKE GERBILS.

THEY'VE GOT FANGS AND CLAWS AND--

A LOT OF SHIT YOU DON'T NEED IN YOUR ASS, MAN.

I GOT A FERRET IN MY ASS RIGHT NOW.

I WAS AT THE HOTEL ON THE TOILET A WHILE AGO, AND HE POPPED HIS HEAD OUT OF MY BUTT,

STARTED WASHIN' HIS FACE IN THAT LITTLE OSCILLATIN' STREAM OF WATER.

"IS THAT CAKE?"

"NO!

IT'S CERTAINLY NOT CAKE."

I GOT IN A LITTLE TROUBLE. DID YOU GUYS HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

I'LL TELL YA WHAT HAPPENED. I HAD TWO SOLD-OUT SHOWS IN FORT PIERCE, FLORIDA.

WE WERE GONNA LAND IN VERO BEACH, FLORIDA.

I HAVE AN AIRPLANE THAT YOU GUYS, UH, BOUGHT ME.

THANK YOU.

IT IS REALLY COOL. WE LAND IN VERO BEACH,

AND WHEN WE LAND I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND THERE'S THREE COPS STANDIN' THERE.

WHICH IS NO BIG DEAL TO ME, BECAUSE COPS LOVE ME AND SO DO FIREMEN.

A LOT OF TIMES I'LL GET A POLICE ESCORT FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE VENUE,

AND THIS, UH, WASN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

I GOT OUT OF THE PLANE AND THERE WAS A COP THERE, AND HE SAID,

"MR. WHITE, WE'VE BEEN TOLD THAT THERE ARE DRUGS ON THIS PLANE BY AN ANONYMOUS TIP."

I SAID, "THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO DRUGS ON THAT PLANE." I DID HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF WEED IN MY BAG,

BUT I WASN'T ON THE PLANE, SO TECHNICALLY I'M NOT LYIN' TO THIS GUY, BUT--

AND HE GOES, "WELL, DO YOU MIND IF WE SEARCH THE AIRCRAFT?"

I SAID, "YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT SEARCH THIS AIRCRAFT UNLESS YOU HAVE PROBABLE CAUSE,

BECAUSE I STILL HAVE CIVIL LIBERTIES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

I DO.

THEY SAID, "OKAY, WELL, WE JUST WANT THE DRUG DOG TO WALK BY IT A COUPLE TIMES.

I SAID, "FINE," AND THE DRUG DOG WALKS BY A COUPLE TIMES.

GUY GOES, "WELL, THE DOG GAVE US THE SIGNAL THAT THERE ARE DRUGS ON THE PLANE."

I'M LIKE, "NO, HE DIDN'T. THAT DOG DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I WAS STARIN' STRAIGHT AT HIM.

"HE DIDN'T WINK, BLINK, WOOF OR PAW.

"WHAT'S HIS SIGNAL, A BLANK STARE?

THAT'S ALL HE DID."

HE GOES, "THE DOG SAYS THERE'S DRUGS ON THE PLANE."

"I SAID THERE WASN'T DRUGS ON THE PLANE. WHO ARE YOU GONNA BELIEVE? ME OR THE--

FUCK, NEVER MIND, YOU KNOW?"

NOW, I'VE GOT A SHOW TO GO TO. THEY SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF GOIN' THROUGH THIS PLANE.

AN HOUR AND A HALF, AND I'M JUST SITTIN' THERE GOIN', "OH, COME ON."

AND THEY GET FINISHED. OF COURSE, THERE IS NO DRUGS ON THE PLANE.

I KNEW THERE WASN'T. I ASSUME NOW THEY'RE GONNA LET ME GO, AND I'LL GO DO MY SHOW.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S FINE. YOU KNOW, WHATEVER."

THEN THEY GO, "WELL, NOW THE DOG NEEDS TO SNIFF THAT BAG ON YOUR SHOULDER."

I WAS LIKE--

THEY FOUND SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF A GRAM OF MARIJUANA...

IN MY BAG.

NOW, WHEN I HAVE SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF A GRAM OF MARIJUANA,

I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE... OUT OF MARIJUANA.

THAT IS NO WEED.

AND IT'S MEDICAL MARIJUANA. IT WAS PRESCRIBED TO ME BY A DOCTOR IN CALIFORNIA WHERE I LIVE.

I TOLD THE COP THAT.

HE SAID, "WHAT DID YOU TELL THE DOCTOR TO GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR MARIJUANA?"

I SAID, "THE DOCTOR SAID, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS THAT MARIJUANA HELPS ALLEVIATE?'

I SAID, 'WELL, I GET BUMMED WHEN I RUN OUT OF WEED.'"

MARIJUANA CURES THAT.

THEY HANDCUFFED ME...

AND PUT ME IN THE BACK OF A COP CAR AND TOOK ME TO JAIL.

NOW, I'M NOT WHININ' ABOUT THAT. I BROKE THE LAW. THAT'S FINE. BUT FUCK, THIS IS FLORIDA.

THESE COPS DROVE BY THREE METH LABS AND A DEAD HOOKER JUST TO GET THERE.

THEY PROCESSED ME THROUGH COUNTY JAIL. FOR WHATEVER REASON, I HAD A BUNCH OF CASH ON ME.

I'D BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR A WHILE. NOW THEY GOTTA COUNT IT IN FRONT OF ME.

THIS GUY COMES OVER AND GOES-- "I'M GONNA HAVE TO COUNT THAT MONEY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WATCH." I'M LIKE, "FUCK. NOT YOU."

THIS MONEY'S IN BANDED $5,000 STACKS.

HE PICKS ONE OF 'EM UP AND HE GOES, "ONE MISSISSIPPI"--

HE DIDN'T REALLY SAY "MISSISSIPPI," BUT HE FUCKING COULD HAVE.

"TWO MISSISSIPPI." I GO, "YOU CAN'T DO IT THAT WAY. IT'LL TAKE FOREVER.

"JUST TAKE THE BAND OFF AND START COUNTING ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.

WHEN YOU GET TO 50, THAT'S 5,000. THEN JUST START THE NEXT STACK."

HE GOES, "THAT'S A GOOD IDEA."

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

SO HE COUNTS THE SECOND STACK, AND HE GOES, "HEY, BUDDY, WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S ONLY 42 IN THIS ONE." I SAID, "OH, THAT'S OKAY.

"JUST GET EIGHT MORE OUT OF THIS ONE, PUT IT IN THIS ONE. NOW YOU HAVE TWO STACKS OF 50.

THAT'S $10,000." I'M TEACHIN' THIS MOTHERFUCKER HOW TO COUNT!

I WAS IN JAIL FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. I DON'T KNOW HOW WORD GETS OUT SO FAST,

BUT WHEN I WALK OUT OF THE JAIL THERE'S A BIG TRUCKLOAD OF KIDS,

AND THEY HAVE THESE SIGNS THAT SAY "FREE TATER."

I'VE HAD THE WEIRDEST THINGS HAPPEN LATELY.

I HAD TO FLY FROM LAX TO ATLANTA...

TO SEE SOME LAWYERS AND A DENTIST, THE COMBINATION PLATTER OF WONDERFUL DAYS.

MY PLANE WAS BROKEN, AND WHEN MY PLANE'S BROKEN, MY FRIENDS DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, POOR BABY.

"IS YOUR PLANE BROKEN?

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A COMMERCIAL FLIGHT LIKE EVERY-FUCKIN'-BODY ELSE."

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE. EITHER THAT OR I'M LOSIN' TOUCH, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I'M STANDIN' IN LINE, I GOT A FIRST-CLASS TICKET,

AND I GET UP TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, AND THERE ISN'T ANYBODY THERE.

IT'S JUST A KIOSK WITH A COMPUTER TERMINAL.

I'M NOT GOOD AT COMPUTERS, AND I DON'T WANNA TOUCH THIS THING...

BECAUSE IT'S GOT GREASE AND DIRT...

AND WHAT I CAN ONLY PRAY TO JESUS IS MERENGUE.

BUT IT WORKS PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW.

I SWIPED MY CARD THROUGH THERE AND UP POPS A DIAGRAM OF THE AIRCRAFT.

AND IT SHOWS ALL THE SEATS ON THE PLANE,

AND IT SHOWS WHICH ONES ARE OCCUPIED SO YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR OWN SEAT.

THAT IS ALMOST A GREAT IDEA.

WHAT WOULD MAKE THAT A GREAT IDEA IS IF THERE WAS A PHOTOGRAPH...

OF THE PERSON SITTIN' IN THAT CHAIR.

AND ABOUT A FIVE-MINUTE BIO CLIP TELLIN' YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT 'EM,

AND WHAT THEIR BREATH SMELLS LIKE.

RIGHT? 'CAUSE I PICK MY SEAT, AND I'M IN FIRST CLASS,

SO AS SOON AS I WALK INTO THE CABIN I CAN SEE MY CHAIR,

AND SITTIN' RIGHT NEXT TO ME IS A BIG, FAT FUCK.

NOW-- NOW, I KNOW I'M HEAVY, BUT I'M NOT A BIG, FAT FUCK.

THIS GUY WAS A BIG, FAT FUCK,

AND PART OF HIM IS IN MY CHAIR.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S PART OF HIM I CAN SIT ON.

HEY, I'VE GOT A LITTLE TIP FOR THE MORBIDLY OBESE,

AND I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND CRUEL,

BUT ONCE YOU GET TO 550 POUNDS,

STAY HOME AND GO FOR THE RECORD.

I'LL SPONSOR YOU.

WRITE "TATERSALAD.COM" ON YOUR GUT,

AND... I'LL SEND PEACHES OVER THERE.

PEACHES?

WHY WOULDN'T I SEND PIZZAS?

I'LL SEND PEACHES AND A SALAD.

"BUT WHERE WOULD BE THE COMEDY, MR. WHITE?"

OH, SO YOU'RE ALL HUNG UP ABOUT THAT, HUH?

OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA TRY TO DO THAT LINE RIGHT JUST IN CASE WE DECIDE TO DO IT THAT WAY.

I'LL SEND PIZZAS OVER THERE!

"OH, THAT IS FUNNY! HE SAID PIZZAS.

OH, MR. WHITE. BOY, HE'S RICH TONIGHT."

I GET TO ATLANTA, AND I CHECK INTO THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL.

THE NEXT MORNING I GO TO TAKE A SHOWER, AND THERE'S NO HOT WATER.

I CALL THE FRONT DESK AND I TELL THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK, I SAID, "THERE'S NO HOT WATER."

THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK SAID, "SOMETIMES THERE'S NO HOT WATER."

"DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU THAT?"

I SAID, "I'VE STAYED IN $20-A-NIGHT MOTELS.

THE WATER WAS SO HOT YOU COULD COOK YOUR NUTS WITH IT."

SHE SAID, "WELL, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, EVERYBODY'LL WAKE UP AT THE SAME TIME,

"AND THEY ALL TAKE A SHOWER AT THE SAME TIME,

AND WE JUST RUN SMACK OUTTA HOT WATER."

"YOU GUYS DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT?

"THEY THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT THE MOTEL 6.

"BUT THAT WHOLE CONCEPT OF PEOPLE WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH SHIT TO DO...

GOT RIGHT BY THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL."

SO I TAKE A NICE, COLD SHOWER. THEN I GOTTA GO MEET WITH THESE LAWYERS.

NOW-- AND I HATE LAWYERS. I JUST CAN'T STAND 'EM,

AND I HATE 'EM WORSE THAN YOU DO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH--

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VIDEO OF THAT GUY SHOOTIN' HIS LAWYER?

AND HIS LAWYER'S TRYIN' TO HIDE BEHIND THAT LITTLE TREE, AND HE JUST KEEPS SHOOT--

THAT'S THE FUNNIEST FUCKIN' THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN LIFE.

I'VE GOT THAT ON MY VIDEO IPOD, AND IF I JUST NEED A CHUCKLE...

SOMETIME DURING THE DAY, I JUST HIT THE PLAY BUTTON.

PLAY. "POW, POW, POW, POW!"

PLAY. "POW, POW, POW!"

PLAY. "POW"-- I DO THAT TILL I COME.

THEN I GOTTA GO TO THE DENTIST. YOU SEE HOW MY DAY'S SHAPIN' UP: COLD SHOWER, LAWYERS, DENTIST.

THE TRIFECTA OF FUCKED-UP DAYS.

AND I COULDN'T EAT BECAUSE OF WHAT I HAD TO DO THERE.

SO NOW IT'S 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON, AND I--

BEFORE I FINISH THIS STORY, I WILL ADMIT THAT I'M IN A FOUL MOOD.

MY MOUTH IS STARTIN' TO HURT AND I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY,

AND I'M GONNA GO EAT LUNCH AT THIS PLACE CALLED THE CLUBHOUSE.

IT'S AT THE LENOX SQUARE MALL IN BUCKHEAD.

I USED TO EAT THERE ALL THE TIME. I LIVE IN BOTH CITIES.

AND I PULLED UP. NOW, ALL THIS OUT HERE USED TO BE JUST REGULAR PARKING.

BUT NOW THE WHOLE THING IS VALET PARKING, SO YOU CAN'T JUST PARK YOUR CAR AND GET SOME FOOD.

YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THIS LITTLE PRICK IN A LITTLE RED TRUCK TO WAKE UP.

BUT HE ISN'T GONNA WAKE UP, 'CAUSE HE'S GOT ON HEADPHONES AND MIRRORED SUNGLASSES.

HE'S LOOKIN' THE OTHER DIRECTION,

WATCHIN' THESE TWO GIRLS WALK DOWN PEACHTREE BOULEVARD.

I COULD TELL BY THE WHOLE SCENARIO...

THAT THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE OUT OF HIS LINE OF SIGHT FOR 20 MINUTES.

THERE'S NOTHING GONNA GET IN THE WAY. SO I'M LIKE, "FUCK. DO YOUR JOB."

I DECIDE I'LL JUST PARK THE CAR MYSELF. THE ONLY SPACE I SAW WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TRUCK.

I'M GONNA PARK THE CAR MYSELF. ONCE HE SEES I'M GONNA PARK THE CAR MYSELF,

HE JUMPS OUT OF HIS TRUCK, AND HE GETS MILITANT.

HE JUMPS IN FRONT OF MY RANGE ROVER, AND HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON THE HOOD,

AND HE GOES, "NOBODY PARKS THEIR OWN CAR IN THIS PARKING LOT!

I PARK THE CARS IN THIS PARKING LOT!"

WELL, I ROLLED DOWN MY WINDOW, AND VERY POLITELY SAID,

"GET OUT OF MY FUCKIN' WAY!"

HE GOES, "NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T PARK YOUR CAR IN THIS PARKING LOT."

I SAID, "FUCK YOU."

HE GOES, "I'M CALLIN' THE POLICE. WHAT'S YOUR FIRST AND LAST NAME?

I SAID, "IT'S FUCK YOU. IT'S F-U-C-K...

"CAPITAL Y-O-U.

FUCK YOU. THAT'S MY NAME."

HE GETS ON HIS RADIO...

AND CALLS THE DALAI LAMA OF ALL PARKING LOT ATTENDANTS...

WHO COMES SQUEALIN' UP IN HIS LITTLE RED TRUCK.

APPARENTLY, THEY GIVE 'EM TO 'EM.

HE HOPS OUT OF THE TRUCK LIKE HE'S GONNA DO SOMETHIN'.

HE IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES ME, AND YOU SEE THIS BIG "OH, SHIT" WASH OVER HIS FACE.

HE LITERALLY SHOVES THIS KID OUT OF THE WAY, AND STARTS APOLOGIZIN'.

HE SAID, "MR. WHITE, I AM SORRY. I SAID, "LISTEN, THIS KID'S NOT DOIN' HIS JOB.

HE'S AN INSOLENT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, AND HE NEEDS TO HAVE HIS ASS REAMED."

HE GOES, "MR. WHITE, HE'S GONNA HAVE HIS ASS REAMED BY ME AND MY BOSS AND MY BOSS'S BOSS."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I HAD NO IDEA THE CHAIN OF COMMAND

WENT THAT DEEP IN THE PARKING LOT BUSINESS."

HE SAID, "MR. WHITE, LET US TAKE YOUR RANGE ROVER.

"WE'LL WASH IT FOR YOU, WE'LL FILL IT UP WITH GAS, WE'LL PARK IT, NO CHARGE."

I SAID, "DON'T PARK IT HERE. I DON'T WANT THIS LITTLE PRICK TO KEY IT."

HE SAID, "WE'LL PARK IT ON THE OTHER SIDE." I SAID, "FINE."

SO I GO HAVE A NICE LUNCH AND TAKE MORE PAIN PILLS.

GET IN A LITTLE BETTER MOOD.

I JUST HAD MY GUMS SCRAPED, YOU KNOW.

SO I WALK OUTSIDE, AND MY RANGE ROVER IS SHINING LIKE A NEW PENNY.

I HOP IN AND I FIRE IT UP, AND IT'S FULL OF GAS, AND...

I COULD'VE LEFT.

BUT INSTEAD I DROVE BACK OVER THERE WHERE THAT KID WAS.

I ROLLED DOWN MY WINDOW, AND HE ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW,

AND I WENT, "HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YA? PRETTY GOOD?"

AND HERE'S THE MORAL OF THAT STORY: DON'T FUCK WITH ME WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKIN'.

PULITZER-PRIZE WINNING AUTHOR NORMAN MAILER DIED LAST YEAR AT THE AGE OF 84 YEARS OLD.

FOR THE LAST 60 YEARS OF THIS MAN'S LIFE HE DRANK TO EXCESS EVERY DAY.

HE WAS MARRIED SIX TIMES, HE SMOKED POT,

HE STABBED HIS SECOND WIFE, AND I'VE NEVER READ ONE OF HIS BOOKS.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YA. I'M A HUGE FAN.

WE'VE HAD A BLAST SINCE WE'VE BEEN HERE, MAN. I TELL YA.

WE WENT OUT LAST NIGHT. I GOT SO DRUNK.

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, AND SOMEBODY HAD SHIT MY PANTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS,

BUT I KNOW HE EATS CORN.

AND CAKE.

CORN CAKES I THINK IS WHAT HE WAS EATING.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM EUROPE. I TOOK MY SON TATER TOT...

TO EUROPE.

WE WERE IN SPAIN DURING THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS, BUT WE DIDN'T GO TO THE EVENT,

BECAUSE WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY YOU WOULD.

THE PEOPLE THAT WE KNOW THAT LIVE THERE WERE PITCHIN' THIS REALLY HARD.

THEY SAID THAT THIS EVENT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR OVER 500 YEARS.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT" THEY EXPLAINED IT TO US.

APPARENTLY, 540 YEARS AGO A BUNCH OF GAY SAILORS IN WHITE SUITS WITH RED SCARVES...

GOT ALL FUCKED UP AND TURNED LOOSE THE CATTLE AND TRIED--

I'M PARAPHRASING.

THEY GOT ALL FUCKED UP, TRIED TO GET OUT OF THE WAY AND COULDN'T.

IT ENDED UP THE TOWN WAS SUCH A BORE-HOLE...

THAT COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WAS GOIN' ON THERE THIS SEEMED LIKE FUN,

AND THEY KEPT DOIN' IT FOR 540 YEARS.

I'M LIKE, "I STILL DON'T WANT TO GO."

THIS YEAR TWO PEOPLE DIED, AND THEY SAID IT WAS A HUGE TRAGEDY.

BUT I THINK BEFORE YOU CALL SOMETHING A "HUGE TRAGEDY,"

I THINK YOU NEED TO FIRST DETERMINE EXACTLY WHICH TWO PEOPLE DIED.

MAYBE IT WAS TWO PEOPLE WE DIDN'T NEED.

THEY WEREN'T VERY BRIGHT. I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR SURE.

THIS YEAR A BUNCH OF SPANIARDS STOOD UP AND SAID...

THE EVENT SHOULD BE CANCELED FOREVER BECAUSE IT'S SO DANGEROUS.

I'M LIKE, "IT TOOK YOU 540 FUCKIN' YEARS."

FUCK THAT, MAN. HAVE TWO A WEEK.

CHANGE THE NAME FROM "THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS"...

TO "THE THINNING OF THE HERD."

WE'LL HAVE THE FINAL EVENT AT TALLADEGA.

CALL IT "THE DODGING OF THE NASCARS."

"YOU READY? GO." [ IMITATES CAR REVVING, THUDDING ]

THEY'RE QUICK, AREN'T THEY?

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN YOUR WIPERS ON, DALE."

WE WERE IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS. I WAS AFRAID I HADN'T ALLOTTED ENOUGH TIME TO SEE LONDON,

BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE CITIES, WITH SO MUCH TRADITION AND HISTORY.

WE WERE GONNA GET A CABBIE TO TAKE US AROUND AND SHOW US THE SIGHTS,

AND I THOUGHT I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE ALLOTTED MORE TIME.

BUT IF YOU GET A CAB DRIVER IN LONDON THAT'S A SCOTTISH NATIONALIST,

WHICH IS SOMEBODY WHO BELIEVES SCOTLAND AND ENGLAND SHOULD HAVE NO TIES WHATSOEVER--

THEY GO HOME EVERY NIGHT, WATCH BRAVEHEART AND BEAT OFF.

"MEL GIBSON'S HITTIN' ANOTHER GUY!"

IF YOU GET A SCOTTISH NATIONALIST FOR A CAB DRIVER IN LONDON,

YOU CAN SEE THAT CITY IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

"I WOULDN'T GO TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE IF THEY PAID ME.

A CHANGING OF THE GUARDS IS FOR PUSSIES, IS WHAT IT IS."

"WHAT? ARE WE GONNA SEE BIG BEN?"

"I TOLD YOU TO LOOK THE LEFT. YOU LOOKED TO THE RIGHT.

I'M GETTIN' PAID BY THE MILE, NOT THE MINUTE."

"WHAT?

WHATEVER, DUDE. WHAT'S THIS BUILDING?"

"IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' HOTEL. GET OUT!"

"HELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THE OTHER DAY AND THREE QUARTERS?

'CAUSE THE FOOD'S AWFUL."

IT IS AWFUL TOO. THEY TOOK US TO A PLACE CALLED THE FOX AND THE HOUND,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WHAT WE WERE EATIN'.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE THEY WERE SERVING THAT NIGHT, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS:

IT NEEDED KETCHUP.

AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY KETCHUP.

I WANTED TO TAKE MY SON TO SEE ST. PAUL'S CATHEDRAL,

THE SECOND-LARGEST CATHEDRAL IN THE WORLD, AND IT WAS CLOSED,

BECAUSE THE NEXT DAY WAS THE QUEEN'S BIRTHDAY.

LIKE, WELL, THIS IS A CHURCH.

JESUS DOESN'T TAKE A DAY OFF BECAUSE THIS WOMAN AGED.

WHAT IF THIS WERE THE DAY I WANTED TO GIVE MY LIFE TO CHRIST?

IT WASN'T.

BUT WHAT IF IT WOULD'VE BEEN?

I'D HAVE BEEN SCREWED, THAT'S WHAT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'D EVER GET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S GOTTA BE A TOUGH OLD BROAD TO SHOP FOR, DOESN'T IT?

I BOUGHT MY WIFE BREAST IMPLANTS FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I'VE NEVER BEEN A BIG FAN OF PLASTIC SURGERY,

BUT I GOT TO ADMIT, I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN PLAYING WITH THESE THINGS.

I HAVEN'T GIVEN 'EM TO HER YET.

I JUST KEEP 'EM ON MY TOUR BUS AND JUST RUB 'EM IN MY FACE.

I'M GLAD THEY CLEAN UP EASY.

WHAT?

I'M JUST GLAD THEY'RE NOT MADE OUT OF CORDUROY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'.

I'D HAVE TO HAVE 'EM SCOTCHGARDED.

[ IMITATES SPRAY CAN DISPENSING ]

I FIND IT A LITTLE IRONIC THAT THE PRODUCT THAT I USE...

TO KEEP FROM RUINING MY SOFA SHOULD I SPILL MY DRINK ON IT...

IS ACTUALLY CALLED...

"SCOTCHGARD."

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST WORK OUT PERFECT, DON'T THEY?

"YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR A PRODUCT THAT'LL PROTECT MY SOFA SHOULD I SPILL MY SCOTCH ON IT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

"WE'VE GOT SCOTCHGARD."

"YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THAT.

"DO YOU HAVE VODKAGARD?

HOW ABOUT SPERMGARD?"

IT'S A BUSY COUCH.

I FOUND OUT WHEN I GOT BACK FROM EUROPE THAT I WAS BEING SUED BY A PAPER PLANT.

THAT'S WHAT THE LAWYERS WERE FOR.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DRIVEN BY A PAPER PLANT, BUT THE BY-PRODUCT...

IN THE MANUFACTURE OF PAPER IN THIS COUNTRY IS A STENCH SO FOUL,

IT WILL KNOCK YOU TO YOUR EVER-LOVIN' KNEES.

CROWN PAPER IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, IS SUIN' ME...

BECAUSE I SAID ON STAGE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS,

THAT CROWN PAPER WAS MAKING THE TOWN STINK.

LIKE I LET SOME BIG CAT OUT OF THE BAG.

"OH, WE DIDN'T KNOW IT STUNK TILL YOU BROUGHT IT UP, RON.

"COME TO THINK OF IT, IT SMELLS LIKE A HARD-BOILED EGG FART IN THIS TOWN.

IS THAT SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT, MR. WHITE?"

THE REASON I BROUGHT IT UP-- I'M FROM HOUSTON.

AND AS A CHILD I LIVED, LITERALLY, IN THE SHADOW OF THIS PAPER PLANT.

AND AS A CHILD, I THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD SMELLED LIKE THAT. I DIDN'T KNOW.

THE FIRST TIME MY FAMILY WENT ON VACATION TO ANOTHER CITY, I WAS AMAZED.

I WAS LIKE "WHAT'S THAT DELICIOUS SMELL?

OH, GOD! THAT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN AND FLOWERS MIXED TOGETHER. WHAT IS IT?"

"THAT'S A SEWER-TREATMENT FACILITY."

"THAT'S FETID SHIT?

"YOU SHOULD BOTTLE THAT, SEND IT TO HOUSTON. PEOPLE COULD RUB A LITTLE UNDER THEIR NOSE,

WALK RIGHT BY THAT PAPER PLANT WITHOUT THROWIN' UP THEIR FUCKIN' LUNCH."

"AND WE FOUND A NEW USE FOR FETID SHIT.

I THINK WE ALL WIN."

ACTUALLY, THE REASON I BROUGHT IT UP-- I'M FROM HOUSTON. I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.

I WAS JUST BACK IN TOWN DOIN' SOME SHOWS. ONE MORNING I WAS READING THE HOUSTON CHRONICLE,

AND THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR PAPER PLANT.

IT SAID IN THE ARTICLE THAT, DEPENDING ON WHICH WAY THE WIND WAS BLOWING,

THAT 2,000,000 PEOPLE COULD SMELL THE STENCH...

PRODUCED BY THIS ONE PAPER PLANT AT A TIME.

THAT IS A BIG ODOR.

IF IT WAS MUSIC AND 2,000,000 PEOPLE COULD HEAR IT,

THEY'D MAKE 'EM TURN IT THE FUCK OFF.

BECAUSE IT'S A SMELL IT'S OKAY? NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.

FIND A WAY TO MAKE PAPER THAT DOESN'T STINK.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE TRYIN' TO MAKE CATFISH BAIT OUTTA CABBAGE, GODDAMN IT!

YOU'RE MAKIN' PAPER OUTTA WOOD. PAPER DOESN'T STINK. WOOD DOESN'T STINK.

YOU'RE DOIN' SOMETHIN' TO MAKE IT STINK. FUCKIN' QUIT!

THAT'S ME DANCING ON MY SOAPBOX.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. I CONSIDER MYSELF A PATRIOT.

I MET MY FIRST WIFE DURING THE VIETNAM WAR.

SHE WAS FROM THIS QUAINT LITTLE VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF PHNOM "PENHEN"--

PHNO-- PHNOM-- I CAN NEVER PRONOUNCE THAT WORD.

VANCOUVER.

IT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S FUNNY, BUT IT ISN'T TRUE. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

I DO WHAT I CAN TO SUPPORT OUR TROOPS NO MATTER WHAT THEY'VE BEEN ASKED TO DO.

I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE IN ADVANCE WITH THE MISSION...

TO SUPPORT THE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN WHO DO MY BIDDING.

LAST YEAR I WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR-- U.F.O.! U.F.--

THANK YOU.

THAT'S GOOD, RON.

I WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR, WHICH...

NOT A LOT OF COMEDIANS ARE ASKED TO DO.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE JOKES TRANSLATE SO--

SO POORLY...

FROM ONE PLANET TO THE NEXT, YOU KNOW.

THESE ARE LEGAL ALIENS.

BUT ODDLY ENOUGH, THEY STILL SPEAK SPANISH.

I WENT ON A U.S.O. TOUR,

AND I'LL TELL YOU THE DIFFERENCE.

EARTHLINGS.

I WAS IN GERMANY FOR 10 DAYS DOIN' SHOWS FOR TROOPS...

GOIN' INTO AND COMIN' OUT OF IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.

THEY ASKED ME TO GO TO IRAQ, AND I WAS LIKE, "FUCK YOU.

I'M NOT GOIN' TO THAT SHITHOLE. I'M 50 AND FAT. I'LL GET SHOT."

I COULDN'T DODGE A GODDAMN DOUGHNUT IF YOU THREW IT AT ME.

"WHAT'D YOU THROW A FUCKIN' DOUGHNUT AT ME FOR, MAN?

YOU HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEART, DUDE."

AND THEN WHEN WE FILMED BLUE COLLAR III, WE FILMED IT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

THE FINE FOLKS AT THE U.S.O. ASKED US TO SPEND THE DAY AT WALTER REED HOSPITAL.

AND IF YOU GO TO WALTER REED HOSPITAL, YOU'LL SEE A BY-PRODUCT OF THIS WAR...

NOBODY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT, BUT THEY SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY...

BECAUSE THE SACRIFICE THESE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN HAVE MADE FOR THIS COUNTRY,

THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY SHOULD BE APPLAUDED AND SALUTED...

AND GIVEN THE BEST MEDICAL CARE WE CAN GIVE 'EM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

AND THEY SHOULD NOT LIVE IN ABJECT POVERTY...

BECAUSE THEY MADE A SACRIFICE TO THE GREATEST NATION ON THIS PLANET.

AND IF WE FAIL THERE, WE FAIL EVERYWHERE WE CAN FAIL, FOLKS.

TO THE TROOPS, GUYS. CHEERS.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE U.S.O. STORY.

WE'RE GOING FROM ROOM TO ROOM VISITING THESE AMAZINGLY BRAVE AMERICANS AT WALTER REED.

ME, JEFF FOXWORTHY, BILL ENGVALL, LARRY THE CABLE GUY.

AND WE GO TO THIS KID'S ROOM AND THIS KID IS MANGLED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'LL EVER DO FOR HIM.

THE ONLY WAY HE COULD TALK WAS TO HOLD HIS FINGER OVER A HOLE IN HIS THROAT.

HE'D BREATHE IN. HE WOULDN'T USE A LOT OF WORDS, BUT WHAT HE SAID WAS VERY POIGNANT, VERY FUNNY.

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE ADMIRING HIM, GOING,

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS KID TO BE THIS BRAVE?"

AND I CARRY A MAN BAG. AND IN THE BAG ARE CIGARS AND CIGAR CUTTERS...

AND LIGHTERS AND READING GLASSES AND SUNGLASSES AND TAMPAX AND--

MY WIFE'S TITTIES. AND ALL THE THINGS I NEED...

TO MAKE IT THROUGH AN AFTERNOON.

WE'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE THIS KID'S ROOM AND FOXWORTHY GOES,

"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON TODAY THAT DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF RON'S PURSE."

AND THIS KID GOES--

"PUSSY."

THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER SEEN FOXWORTHY'S SNOT.

"HE CALLED YOU A PUSSY, DUDE."

OR HOWEVER HE TALKS.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. I DON'T THINK THIS COUNTRY'S PERFECT.

BUT I DON'T THINK ANY COUNTRY IS. I THINK THERE ARE WAYS I COULD HELP...

IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY, BUT NOBODY IN WASHINGTON WILL LISTEN TO ME...

BECAUSE OF MY BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS.

THERE ARE THREE WAYS I THINK I COULD IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY.

I COULD IMPROVE THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY.

I COULD HELP FUND THE WAR IN IRAQ.

AND THERE'S AN IMMIGRATION PROBLEM. THEY WANNA BUILD A WALL...

ALL THE WAY FROM THE GULF OF MEXICO TO THE SPECIFIC OCEAN.

THE SPECIFIC--

TO A SPECIFIC OCEAN WHICH THEY'VE ALREADY CHOSEN.

"OH, HE WAS SHARP THE NIGHT WE SAW HIM.

"WENT ON A U.F.O. TOUR.

"TOOK A TRIP ACROSS A SPECIFIC OCEAN...

WHICH HE HAD ALREADY CHOSEN IN ADVANCE."

FUCK.

FOLKS, I BELIEVE IN MY HEART THAT THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY'S...

COLOR-CODED HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM...

MIGHT BE THE MOST USELESS THING EVER SHOVED DOWN THE THROATS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

IN ALL MY TRAVELS, I'VE YET TO MEET ONE PERSON...

THAT KNOWS WHAT TO DO DIFFERENT IF THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS...

IS YELLOW OR ORANGE, OR ORANGE OR YELLOW.

NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ANYWAY. I HAVEN'T MET ONE PERSON THAT KNOWS

THAT THERE ARE FIVE HEIGHTENED STATES OF AWARENESS IN THIS COUNTRY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT, SIR? FUCK NO, YOU DIDN'T.

OH, WELL.

BLUE, GREEN, YELLOW, ORANGE AND RED.

APPARENTLY, WHEN THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS IS BLUE,

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED SUNSCREEN.

YOU CAN JUST WALK OUTSIDE NAKED.

I'M NOT SURE WHY THE SCOTTISH GUY SAID THAT.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN BURN MY COCK!"

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM...

IS THAT IT MAKES NO SENSE.

THE SECOND BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVE WITH IT IS THAT IT SCARES MY MOTHER.

THANKS.

THE LAST TIME THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SWITCHED FROM YELLOW TO ORANGE,

MY MOTHER CALLED ME.

AND MY MOTHER IS VERY, UM, RURAL,

AS AM I.

MOTHER CALLED ME AND SHE GOES,

"THE HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS JUST SWITCHED TO ORANGE."

I SAID, "I KNOW, MOTHER. I WAS WATCHING TELEVISION."

SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

I SAID, "MOTHER, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO DO. THEY DIDN'T PRINT A FLYER WITH THIS PROGRAM.

"BUT SINCE WE WERE ATTACKED ON 9/11, MAMA,

WE'VE ALL BEEN IN A GENERAL HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS."

SHES GOES, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS."

I SAID, "WELL, MOM, UH,

"IF YOU'RE GETTING ON AN AIRPLANE AND THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU...

"HAS SEVEN "H'S" IN THEIR NAME AND A BASKET OF FUCKING COBRAS,

CHECK THEIR SHOES FOR FUSES."

AND THAT'S NOT RACISM. THAT'S PROFILIN'.

AND YA HAVE TO DO SOME PROFILING.

YOU CAN'T FRISK 10 GRANDMOTHERS JUST SO YOU CAN PRETEND THAT GUY DOESN'T LOOK SUSPICIOUS.

BULLSHIT. GO FRISK HIS ASS. IF HE GETS ALL PISSED OFF, GO, "SORRY."

AND IF HE'S STILL PISSED OFF AFTER THAT, GO,

"HEY, YOU WORE THE TURBAN TO THE FUCKING AIRPORT, BUDDY.

"YOU KNOW.

BUY A JOHN DEERE CAP FOR TRAVEL DAYS. FUCK, I DON'T KNOW."

"BUY A JOHN DEERE TURBAN. DO THEY MAKE 'EM?

I'M SORRY. WE'RE A LITTLE EDGY."

IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,

WE'D HAVE A HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY, THAT'S FOR SURE,

BUT WE'D HAVE ONE THAT MADE SENSE...

AND ONE THAT THE FINE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY UNDERSTOOD.

AND WE WOULD HAVE TWO HEIGHTENED STATES OF AWARENESS--

GO FIND A HELMET.

PUT ON THE FUCKING HELMET.

THAT WAY I'D KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO MY MOTHER WHEN SHE CALLS, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

"IT'S PUT ON A FUCKING HELMET DAY.

"PUT ON A FUCKING HELMET, MOM.

THAT STRAP GOES UNDER YOUR CHIN, MOTHER."

WHEN MOTHER HAS HER HELMET ON, SHE FORGETS HER NECK WORKS.

"JUST TURN YOUR HEAD, MOM.

YOU'RE GETTING IT."

WE FIND OURSELVES, FOLKS, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR WE CAN'T AFFORD FINANCIALLY.

I WON'T ADDRESS ANY OTHER ASPECTS OF THE WAR.

BUT IT IS TIME TO REFIT THE BIGGEST ARMY THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

AND HERE'S THE PROBLEM: WE'RE BROKE.

WE AIN'T GOT NO MONEY. WE'RE STILL WRITING CHECKS LIKE YOU DO IN REAL LIFE,

JUST PRAYING TO GOD SOMEBODY WILL CASH ONE OF THESE USELESS SON OF A BITCHES, YOU KNOW.

WE'RE $17 TRILLION IN DEBT. WE STILL GOT A CHECKBOOK? REALLY?

SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY EVENTUALLY IS GONNA TAKE THAT CHECKBOOK AWAY, DOESN'T IT?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? CHINA'S CASHING OUR CHECKS.

AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD PLAN FOR THIS COUNTRY, MARK MY WORD.

AND THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FUND THIS WAR.

AND I CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA THAT NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO.

WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECAUSE OF YOUR PROXIMITY TO THIS SPEAKER SYSTEM.

I WAS JUST DOWN IN COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA,

AND JUST SOUTH OF COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, IS A HUGE AIR FORCE BASE...

THAT TAKES UP 115,000 ACRES OF OCEANFRONT PROPERTY.

THEY HAVE MILITARY HOUSING ON THE BEACH.

MAJOR NELSON DIDN'T HAVE OCEANFRONT PROPERTY...

AND HE WAS AN ASTRONAUT WITH A MOTHERFUCKING GENIE.

IF YOU GOTTA HAVE OCEANFRONT, JOIN THE NAVY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

AND BACK THAT BASE UP 15 MILES...

AND LET US SELL THIS ASSET TO HELP PAY FOR THIS WAR EFFORT.

WE COULD SELL IT TO ISRAEL. THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF CASH. THEY NEED A PLACE TO STAY.

THAT SHIT AIN'T WORKING OUT FOR THEM OVER THERE.

AND IT'S THE ONLY PART OF FLORIDA THEY DON'T ALREADY OWN.

AND WE TAKE THE MONEY WE MAKE FROM SELLING THE REST OF FLORIDA TO ISRAEL.

WE BUY MEXICO, FIX IT UP AND FLIP IT.

NOW, WE'LL HAVE TO SEND DOWN SOME PAINTERS AND LANDSCAPERS, 'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL UP HERE.

AND WHEN THEY'RE GONE YOU'RE GONNA WONDER WHERE THE FUCK THEY WENT,

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA WANT TO DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF.

NOT IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME.

WE SELL MEXICO TO A COUNTRY THAT CAN PUT A TON OF CASH DOWN,

BUT YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T MAKE THE PAYMENTS,

LIKE PERU.

PERU HAS BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF U.S. DOLLARS-- THEY DO--

IN CASH IN BANKS ALL OVER PERU.

IT'S OUR COCAINE MONEY THEY TRICKED US OUT OF.

I MEAN, IT'S YOUR COCAINE MONEY THEY...

TRICKED YOU OUT OF.

WE GET ALL THAT MONEY BACK-- BILLIONS OF DOLLARS--

AND THEN WE FINANCE THE BALANCE OF MEXICO TO PERU.

WE LET 'EM GET BEHIND ON THE PAYMENTS.

WE REPOSSESS MEXICO. NOW WE HAVE MEXICO FREE AND CLEAR.

NEW PAINT, NEW SHRUBS.

AND WITH ALL THAT COCAINE MONEY, WE START BUYING COUNTRIES SOUTH OF MEXICO.

WE BUY 'EM ALL. WE BUY BELIZE, HONDURAS, NICARAGUA, EL SALVADOR, COSTA RICA.

AND EVERY TIME YOU BUY ONE OF THOSE COUNTRIES,

THAT LONG-ASS WALL THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO BUILD GETS A LITTLE FUCKIN' SHORTER, DOESN'T IT?

UNTIL EVENTUALLY WE BUY BACK THE PANAMA CANAL, WHICH WE BUILT ANYWAY,

STAND THERE AND GO, "SWIM THIS, BITCH."

SO, I TOUR, THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I GO FROM CITY TO CITY TO CITY TO CITY.

I'VE DONE IT FOR 22 YEARS. I'VE ENJOYED EVERY SECOND OF IT.

I LOVE TO DO THIS FUCKIN' JOB.

I TOUR WITH MY WIFE. I LOVE TO TOUR WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE.

I LIKE TO HAVE SEX. I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES AND THAT HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN MY POLICY.

BUT I'M 51 YEARS OLD. AND I SAID IF I GOT MARRIED AGAIN I'D QUIT THE RUNNING AROUND.

AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I FIND A LOT OF COMFORT IN HAVING ONE SEX PARTNER...

BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT I LIKE, AND I KNOW WHAT SHE WON'T DO.

IT TURNS OUT THERE'S A LIST OF SHIT SHE WON'T DO.

AND THE FIRST THING ON THE LIST IS "TALK ABOUT THE LIST."

MY FAVORITE BY-PRODUCT OF MONOGAMY-- IT DIDN'T EVEN DAWN ON ME THIS WOULD BE THE CASE.

WHEN I FIGURED THIS OUT, I FELT A HUGE WEIGHT JUST FLUTTER OFF MY SHOULDERS.

A LOT OF YOU GUYS MIGHT NOT REALIZE THIS, SO THIS COULD BE A BIG NIGHT IN YOUR LIFE...

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO IMPART TO YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'VE EVER LEARNED.

SO, GUYS, I WANT YOU TO OPEN UP YOUR SENSES AND REALLY TAKE THIS IN.

DON'T WASTE THIS MOMENT, 'CAUSE HERE IT COMES.

READY? HERE IT COMES.

GUYS, IF YOU ONLY FUCK YOUR WIFE,

YOU CAN'T GET CAUGHT.

FEEL IT? YOU FEEL IT?

NOBODY GIVES A RAT'S ASS.

NOBODY'S EVER GONNA KICK IN A BEDROOM DOOR-- "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

IS THAT YOUR OLD LADY?"

I MAY BE EXAGGERATING THAT STROKE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

BUT STILL, A FEROCIOUS PIECE OF ASS,

ALTHOUGH EASILY WINDED.

IF YOU DON'T MIND STOPPIN' AND STARTIN', I MIGHT BE THE BEST FUCK ON THE PLANET.

THAT'S THE WAY I ROLL, LADIES.

MY FAVORITE PLACE TO HAVE SEX IS ON MY TOUR BUS...

BECAUSE IF I DON'T QUITE HAVE THE WIND TO GET HER THERE,

I CAN JUST HOLLER AT THAT DRIVER, "PUMP THE BRAKES!"

[ IMITATING BRAKES PUMPING ]

"FASTER!"

[ IMITATING BRAKES PUMPING RAPIDLY ]

"THANKS, PAT!

BOY, THAT PAT CAN FUCK, CAN'T HE?"

ACTUALLY, YOU CAN GET CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE.

MY WIFE AND I WERE GOING AT IT ONE AFTERNOON AND THE HOUSEKEEPER WALKED IN,

WHICH IS WAY BETTER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

IT HAPPENS THE OTHER WAY AROUND, YOU END UP SAYING THINGS LIKE,

"I'LL PACK MY SHIT...

AS SOON AS IT QUITS BURNING."

WE HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE, I THINK, YOU KNOW.

IT'S NOT LIKE OUR FRIENDS. WE HAVE THESE FRIENDS THAT ARE YOUNGER THAN US.

AND THEY HAVE TANTRIC SEX WHICH IS A YOGA THING...

WHERE YOU CAN HAVE SEX FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

AND, YEAH, WE DON'T-- WE DON'T DO THAT.

WE DID INVENT A SEXUAL POSITION THAT I NAMED...

"THE LAZY DOG."

AND I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THE LAZY DOG.

WHAT YOU DO IS YOU GET IN BED THERE AND YOU GET IN THE DOGGY-STYLE POSITION,

AND THEN BOTH OF YOU, AT THE SAME TIME-- AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART--

FALL OVER.

NOW YOU'RE DOING THE LAZY DOG.

I CAN STAY IN THAT POSITION ALL NIGHT LONG.

OR UNTIL SHE COUGHS.

ONCE SHE COUGHS ME OUT, I'M OUT FOR THE NIGHT.

THERE'S NO MORE LAZY DOG THAT NIGHT.

SHE SNEEZED ME OUT ONE TIME.

AND MY OWN DICK HIT ONE OF MY OWN NUTS AND HURT IT.

AND NOW I HAVE DIFFICULTY INTERPRETING HER SEXUAL NOISES.

SHE'LL BE--

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S ABOUT TO COME OR SNEEZE...

WHICH MAKES ME A NERVOUS LOVER...

WHICH CAUSES PREMATURE EJACULATION.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT.

AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THIS.

IT WAS ACTUALLY RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON...

IN HIS 1968 INAUGURAL ADDRESS WHO FIRST SAID,

"SHAKE FOR ME, GIRL.

I WANNA BE YOUR BACK-DOOR MAN."

LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT WAS LED ZEPPELIN, BUT IT WASN'T.

IT WAS RICHARD NIXON.

I'M LIKE 80% SURE.

I'M LIKE 70-- 70% SURE.

FIFTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS LED ZEPPELIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY CALLED ME TODAY?

UM, UH-- A METROSEXUAL.

IS THAT LIKE A LOCAL TERM OR SOMETHING? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

I'M SITTING THERE GETTING A PEDICURE, READING VOGUE--

MY WIFE GOT ME A CERTIFICATE TO GET A PEDICURE...

BECAUSE SHE THINKS MY FEET ARE NASTY.

AND I WENT DOWN THERE TO THIS POOR, OLD ASIAN WOMAN...

WHO'S TRYING TO RESHAPE MY BIG TOE INTO, LIKE, A REGULAR-SIZED TOE.

AND SHE'S GOT THIS CARROT-PEELER KIND OF A TOOL...

THAT SHE'S USING TO SCRAPE AWAY YEARS OF NEGLECTED DEAD SKIN OFF THESE DOGS.

AND SHE HAS A GENUINELY DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE.

SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE GOES--

NOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE FUNNY, I CAN'T REMEMBER.

MAYBE I DID IT WRONG.

"PEDICURE NOT ONLY FOR YOU"--

NOPE.

"PEDICURE NOT ONLY FOR YOU" NEED PUNCH LINE.

MAKE A MENTAL NOTE.

JOKE NOT FINISH.

ADD PUNCH LINE. MAKE FUNNY FOR EVERYONE.

MAMA'S THE ONE GOT ME DRINKIN' SCOTCH. MAMA LOVED TO DRINK.

SHE LOVES HER SCOTCH, MAN. MAMA LOVES ALL THINGS SCOTCH.

SHE LIKES HIGHLAND SCOTCH, LOWLAND SCOTCH,

SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH, BLENDED SCOTCH.

SHE LIKES THE FUCKIN' TAPE.

AND THE 'GARD.

AND THE HOP.

AND THE BUTTER.

MAKE A MENTAL NOTE.

DO "TAPE" LAST. IS ONLY ONE FUNNY.

I'LL TELL YOU A STORY THAT'S FUNNY.

MY UNCLE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE THE OTHER DAY.

MY UNCLE USED TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION.

HIS NAME IS DR. CHARLES POLLARD. HE'S A TRIPLE DOCTORATE.

HE HAS DOCTORATES IN THEOLOGY, PSYCHOLOGY AND PHILOSOPHY.

UM, ALTHOUGH, I THINK I STILL MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES.

HE'S A GREAT MAN. AND HE CAME OVER AND I WAS MAKING MYSELF A DRINK,

'CAUSE I NEVER PRETEND I DON'T DRINK.

YOU MIGHT KNOW THAT ABOUT ME ALREADY.

AND HE GOES, "SON, YOU ARE NEVER GONNA FIND THE ANSWERS TO YOUR PROBLEMS

IN THE BOTTOM OF THAT BOTTLE."

I SAID, "I KNOW.

"THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA BUY ANOTHER ONE.

"I KNEW THAT SON OF A BITCH WAS A DUD THE MINUTE I LAID EYES ON IT.

"LOOK AT THAT NO-ANSWER PIECE OF SHIT.

TAKE ME TO THE LIQUOR STORE. I'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS."

I DON'T REALLY GET ALONG AS WELL WITH MY WIFE AS I PRETEND.

YOU EVER DO THIS? YOU EVER WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY, AND THEN YOU DON'T SAY IT?

AND THEN, LIKE, TWO MONTHS LATER IT JUST COMES SPEWING OUT...

LIKE TOURETTE'S AND VOMIT.

JUST-- BLAH!

FIRST TIME I MET MY WIFE'S SISTER WAS AT HER MOTHER'S 75TH BIRTHDAY.

THEY LIVE UP IN CONNECTICUT. WE TOOK THE PLANE UP.

AND THEY'RE VERY WEALTHY. THERE'S A BIG PARTY OF 150 PEOPLE AT THIS HUGE HOUSE.

WE'RE AT A ROUND TABLE OF ABOUT 15 PEOPLE DOWN FRONT.

AND HER SISTER IS A PUBLISHED CHEF...

AND SHE OWNS A RESTAURANT IN CONNECTICUT AND SHE OWNS A COOKING SCHOOL IN FRANCE.

AND SHE'S MARRIED TO A GUY FROM FRANCE.

AND SHE'S A SNOB, BUT THEY'RE ALL SNOBS, SO I FIGURE SHE'LL BE A SNOB PROBABLY.

SHE'S A BIG OLD SNOB TOO.

BIG, OLD, ROUND AND BIG, OLD GAL.

BIG, OLD "TASTE OF EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN" KIND OF A SNOB.

KIND OF A BIG, OLD, ROUND AND BIG, OLD GAL.

BIG AND WHOOPA, WHOOPA.

ALMOST A "STAY HOME AND GO FOR THE RECORD" KIND OF A SNOB.

I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION, AND I SAID, "I SHOULD COME TO CONNECTICUT AND DO SHOWS."

AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T THINK ANYONE IN CONNECTICUT...

IS GOING TO PAY MONEY TO HEAR HILLBILLY COMEDY."

WELL, I WAS RAISED IN THE SOUTH AND I'M AT MY WIFE'S MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

AND I'M NOT GONNA RUIN THIS WOMAN'S DAY BECAUSE I CAN'T HOLD MY TONGUE.

AND I DON'T SAY A WORD, WHICH I SHOULDN'T, AND I DON'T.

A COUPLE MONTHS, I'M IN A RESTAURANT WITH MY WIFE, HAVING DINNER.

AND SHE'S IN A FOUL, FOUL MOOD.

AND SHE GOES, "THERE ARE SOME THINGS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY THAT I JUST CAN'T STAND."

AND I GO, "YOUR SISTER'S A BIG, FAT CUNT!"

LIKE TOURETTE'S AND VOMIT, MAN.

"YOUR SISTER'S A BIG, FAT CUNT!"

AND I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY HOW LOUD I SAID IT.

BUT EVERY HEAD IN THE RESTAURANT GOES--

THEN THE WAITER BROUGHT THE BREAD.

"FUCK, THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG MEAL.

GOD, I WISH THAT WAS CAKE."

MY WIFE AND I THINK DIFFERENT THINGS ARE FUNNY.

THAT STORY BEING A PERFECT EXAMPLE.

ACTUALLY, SHE DOESN'T THINK ANYTHING'S FUNNY. I DO.

SHE THINKS COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE'S A SERIOUS MAGAZINE.

AND I THINK IT'S THE FUNNIEST RAG ON THE PLANET. AND THAT'S AN IMPASSE.

THE OTHER DAY THERE WAS A COPY OF COSMO SITTING ON THE TABLE,

AND I WAS READING THE COVER STORIES ON THE FRONT OF IT AND I WAS JUST LAUGHIN'.

AND SHE WALKS BY AND SHE GOES, "WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG, YOU KNOW?

I SAID, "I WAS JUST READING THE STORIES ON THE FRONT OF THIS MAGAZINE.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUNNY. I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT FIT IN MY SHOW."

AND SHE READS 'EM. SHE GOES, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY."

HOW WOULD I KNOW?

WHY WOULD I EVEN HAVE AN OPINION ON WHAT MIGHT BE FOUND HUMOROUS IN AMERICA TODAY?

CERTAINLY NOT MY LINE OF WORK.

I SELL SHRIMP OUT OF A VAN.

"HIS SECRET PLEASURE ZONE."

IT'S NOT A SECRET.

LADIES, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR MAN'S SECRET PLEASURE ZONE IS,

YOU NEED TO BE WEARING WOLVERINE STEEL-TOED BOOTS.

"FORTY GIRLIE MOVES THAT DRIVE HIM CRAZY."

TOUCH HIS PLEASURE ZONE.

TOUCH IT 40 TIMES.

AND HERE'S A CLUE. IT'S OUR DICK.

I PICKED THIS MAGAZINE UP AND I START THUMBING THROUGH IT,

AND I FOUND AN ARTICLE ON HOW TO GET YOUR MAN AROUSED.

AND, UH, IT WAS FUNNY.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY A DOCTOR, SO SOME OF YOU WILL LEARN A NEW WORD HERE.

I KNOW I DID.

IT SAID, "FLICK HIS FRENULUM."

AND THEN IN PARENTHESIS, IT SAYS, "THE SMALL NODULE OF SKIN...

"BENEATH THE HEAD OF THE PENIS...

WITH THE FLAT PART OF YOUR TONGUE."

IT DOESN'T MATTER...

WHAT PART OF THE TONGUE...

YOU FLICK HIS FRENULUM WITH.

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE HIS FRENULUM.

PUT YOUR TONGUE ON HIS DICK...

AND SEE IF THINGS DON'T JUST WORK OUT GREAT FOR THE TWO OF YOU.

YOU CAN FLICK HIS FRENULUM WITH A NEWSPAPER...

AND IT WOULD PROBABLY WORK.

ONE OF THE REASONS I'M STILL MARRIED TO MY WIFE...

IS SHE CAN FLICK MY FRENULUM WITH HER FUCKIN' TONSILS.

AND THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN' FOR IN A FRENULUM FLICKIN'.

I CALL HER MY FRIEND FLICKA.

"GET OVER HERE, FLICKA. I GOT A SUGAR CUBE AND AN APPLE.

YOU WANT 'EM BOTH, GIRL?"

SHE'S A WEIRD BIRD, MAN.

SHE CAN'T GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT UNLESS EVERY SINGLE THING...

IN THIS GIGANTIC HOUSE...

IS IN THE EXACT SPOT SHE MEANT FOR IT TO BE.

NOW, BEFORE I MARRIED HER, SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS ANAL.

AND I WAS LIKE, "GREAT."

POW! BOOM, BOOM.

POW!

TURNS OUT THERE'S TWO KINDS OF ANAL.

AND SHE'S THE WRONG ONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO OBSESSED WITH MY WIFE...

PARTICIPATING IN ANAL SEX, BUT SHE WON'T DO IT.

I THOUGHT MAYBE ON OUR ANNIVERSARY SHE WOULD.

WE'RE ON A REALLY NICE CRUISE AND I GET HER ALL SHINED UP ONE NIGHT.

AND I'M JUST BEGGING HER, WHICH IS PATHETIC, YOU KNOW.

SHE GOES, "RON, YOU NEED TO GET SOMETHING THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.

I'M NOT STRAPPING ONE OF THOSE THINGS ON FOR ANYBODY."

"I BOUGHT THE BEST ONE THEY MAKE!

"THE BROKEBACK 2000.

TAKES TWO 'D' CELL BATTERIES. IT'S GOT A CLITORAL STIMULATOR."

I DON'T KNOW WHY I GOT THAT. I FIGURE, FUCK IT, IT'S BOUND TO HIT SOMETHING.

MAYBE IT'LL FLICK MY FRENULUM ON THE WAY IN. FUCK, WHO KNOWS.

MY WIFE GOT ONE OF HER NIPPLES PIERCED.

TODAY A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTO THAT. I'M NOT.

SHE JUST DID IT ANYWAY. WHATEVER.

I WAS TALKING TO A GIRL THE OTHER DAY THAT HAD HER TONGUE PIERCED TWICE...

AND HAD A CHAIN RUNNING BETWEEN THE TWO PIERCINGS.

I DON'T GET IT. I ASKED HER WHY SHE DID IT, AND SHE SAID,

"IT HELPS MY BOYFRIEND ENJOY ORAL SEX."

AND I'M LIKE, "NO, IT DOESN'T.

"TRY FLICKING HIS FRENULUM WITH SOMETHING.

GET A FEATHER DUSTER."

BELLY BUTTON PIERCINGS, NOW THAT'S FINE.

GOTTA BE ON THE RIGHT GIRL THOUGH.

THAT TAN GIRL AT THE PARK WITH THE LOW-SLUNG, FADED JEANS,

THE LITTLE PINK HALF-SHIRT AND A LITTLE SILVER HOOP.

SEXY.

BUT...

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE WOMEN THAT PIERCE THEIR FAT ROLL?

NOW I'M NOT BEING AN ASS. I'VE GOT A HUGE GUT TOO.

BUT YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE ME AT THE MALL IN A TUBE TOP...

WITH, LIKE, A HORSESHOE POKING THROUGH THERE.

I OWN A MIRROR.

MY WIFE GOT ONE OF HER NIPPLES PIERCED. DIDN'T ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT EITHER.

I JUST CAME HOME FROM THE ROAD ONE DAY AND SHE OPENED UP HER ROBE AND THERE IT WAS.

AND I WAS LIKE--

SHE GOES, "WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T YOU THINK IT LOOKS SEXY?"

I SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE THE PLUG IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S BATHTUB."

YEAH, HERE'S A GOOD IDEA: DON'T EVER FUCKIN' SAY THAT.

MY FRIEND GOT HIS COCK PIERCED, AND HE SAID WHEN HE TAKES THE PIERCING OUT...

AND GETS A BLOW JOB, IT WHISTLES.

THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

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SHE WAS A GOOD SPORT.

THAT WASN'T AN IMPRESSION OF MY WIFE...

OR THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BIG SOUND RIGHT THERE.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME IN MY MOUTH!"

"QUIT SUCKING SOONER.

I CAN'T BE LEFT IN CHARGE AT THIS POINT OF THE BLOW JOB."

WE WERE WATCHING CNN THE OTHER NIGHT AND, UH--

YEAH, THEY WERE DOING A STORY ON NASA...

ABOUT THAT ASTRONAUT LADY THAT WENT BAT-SHIT CRAZY AND TRIED TO KILL THAT OTHER CHICK.

I WISH I COULD WRITE SHIT THAT FUCKIN' FUNNY, MAN.

AND IT WASN'T JUST ABOUT THAT, BUT ABOUT NASA...

AND HOW THEY'RE JUST NOT AS THOROUGH AS YOU THINK NASA WOULD BE.

HOW THEY'RE ALWAYS BACKING UP, COVERING THEIR TRACKS, WHICH, OF COURSE, THEY ARE.

AND I GUESS BECAUSE SO MANY WOMEN ARE GOING INTO OUTER SPACE,

THEY'VE JUST ALLOTTED $10 MILLION FOR A STUDY...

TO SEE IF THERE ANY DANGERS IN A WOMAN SUFFERING FROM P.M.S....

TO HAVE HER MENSTRUAL CYCLE IN ZERO GRAVITY.

I'M LIKE, "HELL YEAH, THERE ARE DANGERS.

IN A WEIGHTLESS ENVIRONMENT, THE PSYCHO BITCHES CAN FLY."

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT.

BLESS YOU. YOU GUYS WERE SUPER FANTASTIC. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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