Original subtitles

[whistling] [eerie music]

? ?

Never understood why people need songs

with multiple notes. One is plenty.

[continues whistling]

Lieutenant Kang? I have something for you.

[lightning crashes]

[groaning]

So when you said you had something for me...

Oh, it was just the knife.

I don't have anything else for you.

Yep, nope, that's what I thought.

[groaning]

[groans softly]

? ?

[lightning crashes] Oh my god! Call the police, he killed that man!

[footsteps approaching rapidly]

Sorry, just gonna take my knife. My grandpa gave it to me.

And it has my fingerprints all over it.

[whistling]

God, that is catchy.

[exciting music]

?

Our investigations turned up Jane squat.

Maybe it was a random killing or maybe he knew too

much about why Anya Taylor-Joy was sent to Earth.

Either way, Kang's dead.

So I brought in Grimsburg's best and only grief counselor.

Okay. Uh, hey.

Okay, gotta go fast. After this I've got

a stabbing, two bludgeonings, and a poisoned empanada.

So let's start by sharing some memories of, um...

[humming]

- Lieutenant Kang. Go. - Well, I'll always remember

that puffer jacket he used to wear.

- Mm-hmm. - Me too.

- So puffy. - Great.

- What else? Speak now. - He also had glasses... I think.

Kang didn't really share his life with us...

- or his fries. - I know I kept it really hidden,

but I kind of had a crush on him.

BOTH: Yeah, we know.

Guess you'll have to like someone else now.

Perhaps one of the two guys in the office still breathing?

Flute, you haven't said anything. Kang was your mentor.

Oh, yeah, well, Kang's death is obviously a huge loss.

But I've already processed my grief, and I'm doing great.

Sorry, you're gonna need a new printer.

- This one's dead. - [sobbing] No!

It had so much more left to print!

Now it's just dead, like I'm gonna die.

I'm already 44, which is halfway to 88,

which is the number of keys on a piano,

which is playing my death march.

[sobs]

Huh? Maybe I haven't processed it.

[mysterious music]

I can't believe Kang's gone. Boo-hoo, very sad.

Anyway, Chief who can promote me, great to see you.

Forehead's looking enormous.

- [chuckling] Oh, thank you, Martinez. - Hey, you know what's weird?

This department's never had a Latinant.

That's a Latina lieutenant.

Unrelated, have you thought about appointing someone to replace Kang?

Hmm. Haven't really thought about it

'cause I've been too busy doing it!

Meet Lieutenant Ravi Kumar.

Please, Lieutenant Kumar is my father... if he were a lieutenant

instead of a sustainable bikini salesman.

Let's keep it cazh and call me Lieutenant Ravi.

No way. We can use your first name?

Uh, hierarchy? Bye-erarchy!

Lieutenant Ravi bikes to work, loves Gucci Mane,

and did improv in Amsterdam for a year.

Sorry, did you say something?

It gets pretty loud working on spaceship engines.

But that's Mars for ya.

- Hold this torque wrench. - There's nothing there!

Hey, Lieutenant Ravi, can we work outside today?

- Sure, I'm down with that. - All right! I love this guy.

Detectives always work outside, ya doof!

Ah, Kang's apartment. Time to get me some closure.

I bet he used this chair for sitting.

And that fridge is probably where he stored food

so it wouldn't go bad. And this closet...

[chuckles] You know this son of a bitch

could tell some stories.

[bones crack] [grunts]

My back. This is it.

Death time. End of the line.

I'm coming to meet you, Kang. Or maybe you're in hell.

I did see you get a refill from the fountain

at Chipotle when the sign clearly said "no refills."

And when I pointed it out, you said it only applied

to soda, not iced tea, but come on.

- Iced tea's different. - [gasps]

No carbonation.

And Lieutenant Ravi already gave us nicknames.

He calls me Robot Pattinson.

[chuckles] I'm technically a cyborg,

- but, uh, I'm gonna let that slide. - He's a jerk.

- We gotta take him down! - He's nice. And I should know.

People say I'm the nicest guy in the office.

[loudly] Who wants donuts?

And 'Nones, I know you've been feeling

pretty bummed about Kang, so I also picked you up a copy

of "Cysts With Hair and Teeth" magazine.

Oh! The "30 Cysts under 30 to Watch Out for

Because They Could Be Indicative of Something

Far More Serious" issue? [gasps] Thanks.

Nicest guy in the office, no question.

That guy needs to go down...

after I grab a Boston cream.

[suspenseful music]

I know you're not real! You're a ghost,

as prophesied by the idea I had for a book called

"Ghost Detective," alternate title, "Lieutenant Spooky."

I'm assuming the publisher will want to weigh in.

Flute, put the chair down. There's an explanation.

And it's nowhere near as preposterous

- as you writing a book. - I already got it all up here.

Just need to write the words down.

Flute, listen to me.

- I'm immortal. - What?

Wait, sorry, did you say "a mortal" or "immortal"?

- Immortal. - Yeah, I guess the other one's

really not that newsworthy.

This is incredible. You really can't die?

Exactly. See, many years ago

I stumbled upon a magical brook, and I...

whoa... hey! [car horn blares]

[people screaming, tires screeching]

Wow, immortality.

This is the coolest thing I've heard of

since I learned Harry Styles has four nipples.

Please don't do that. Dying still hurts.

And the jacket's not immortal.

My immortality comes from a mystical potion I drank.

It was in the amulet the killer stole from me.

Well, I don't blame him for trying to cheat death.

All I can think about lately is dying.

And how good John Boyega would be in a rom-com.

Now, luckily, I have this. [mystical music]

- What have you done? - I'm immortal.

Now I don't have to be worried about dying.

I can worry about other things,

like whether Boyega's people are really thinking

about his career as a whole or just job-to-job.

I wasn't finished. This blue potion makes you younger,

but the pink one he stole makes you older.

You need both to lock into your forever age,

- and then you're immortal. - So I'm gonna get younger?

- Well, yes, but without the other one... - Whoo! Yes!

Did you see how high that roundhouse was?

It's working. I'm Benji-Buttoning, baby!

Please stop that, it's annoying!

[people screaming, tires screeching]

[chuckles] Ooh!

When he climbs back up, I'm gonna shoot him.

This is incredible. My hairline has magically returned.

I feel like LeBron James, Jeremy Piven, Elon Musk,

Matthew McConaughey, Jude Law, Billy Bob Thornton,

Elton John, Bradley Cooper, Joel McHale...

Flute! There is not enough time in the world

to list every celebrity who is lying to us

about the natural fullness of their hair.

- Will Arnett. - [sighs]

We need to find a clue that can help us solve my murder.

Yeah, and we gotta get the other potion back.

Oh, man, being immortal is gonna be so cool.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

You can't really get too close to people

because you're gonna lose 'em.

But you don't have to wear sunscreen, so mixed bag.

I wouldn't mind locking in at this age.

I feel like I could do anything.

Maybe I could even touch my toes.

Should I even try? Okay, I'm gonna try.

I'm so nervous.

Ha! I did it!

And without any cracks, grunts, or blood clots.

Wow, these are not the shoes I thought I had on.

Huh. Jacaranda petal.

And there's only one jacaranda tree in Grimsburg. Let's go!

- Elon really had a hair transplant? - Oh, yeah, it's super obvious.

Just search, quote, "Did Elon Musk get a hair transplant

"while allegedly having an affair

"with Sergey Brin's wife at the same time he was

having twins with one of his top executives?" end quote.

[mysterious music]

Okay, so you know how you said we need a plan

to take care of Lieutenant Ravi?

Well, I've planted a prank device on his chair

such that when he sits, a sound will be emitted

that people might believe came from his body,

specifically the bottom part.

Are you talking about a whoopee cushion?

He'll be forced to resign in disgrace!

Forget it. I'll bring him down myself.

Wonder if I still have the number

- of my orgy-photoshop guy. - Hey, gang, cop a squat.

I want to go over some procedures.

I know, snooze-ville, right?

[whoopee cushion farts]

Um... [laughs nervously]

Um, okay. That was weird.

So as far as the procedures...

by... by the way, I honestly don't know what that sound was.

I mean, I know what it sounded like, but...

wait, I... I didn't mean to say it sounded like butt.

It shouldn't have come out like that.

I mean, what I said shouldn't have come out like that,

not the noise that came from my butt...

I mean, that shouldn't come from my...

gah!

?

Thanks for leading us right to the killer's lair, tree.

Almost makes me sorry I peed on you.

Look, they've tracked me for generations.

? ?

Wow, you've lived through so much history.

Was soda pretty awesome before they took out the cocaine?

What about when you saw your first car?

Were you just like, thank God, now we can finally

arrive somewhere not smelling like horse?

- Yes. We all reeked for many years. - Hang on.

Check out the smoke show.

I remember when I looked this good.

Back in my late 20s, when my belly button was cute

and not big enough to mix

- a tableside Caesar salad in. - Flute, look at this log.

The entries are signed J, T, and S Vandersloop.

Ah, yes. I believe Vandersloop is Dutch for

"one who sloops."

I knew a Vandersloop back in the 1840s.

He must have noticed I wasn't getting older

and passed it on to his kids.

That's the problem with being immortal.

You can only stick around so long before people start to catch on.

Right, gotta keep moving.

Okay, so I guess the two of us could be, like,

an immortal detective team that goes town to town.

We could call ourselves "The Never-Die-tectives"...

Or something better. We have literally

an infinite amount of time to pitch on it.

Guess it might be nice having another immortal around. It can get lonely.

Plus, it'd be good to have someone watch my computer

when I hit the bathroom at Starbucks.

Stop! Hand over that potion!

[exciting music]

?

You know, it's hard to get motivated for a chase,

but once you're doing it, it feels so good.

I'm totally gonna get back into chasing people.

? ?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee!

I thought being in my late 20s was great,

but 21 is even better! I'm not out of breath at all.

I'm young, dumb, and full of lung.

Flute! Where are you going?

This bar, it has alcohol! I'm gonna drink it

'cause I'm 21 and I follow my impulses.

But you need to drink the potion!

Don't you want to be 21 forever?

Oh, yeah! That reminds me. We should also go

to Forever 21, 'cause I want to get a trendy outfit

I can wear once and throw in the trash.

Yeah, he seems a little rattled, but he's not gonna quit his job

- over one tiny little butt-burst. - Oh, really?

- Tanya, please, don't leave me. - I thought I could trust you.

You said you were taking your anti-gas medicine,

but now the whole town is talking about

how you beefed at work!

I see the looks they give me in the streets.

"There she goes, the wife of a cheese-cutter."

That's not the life I signed up for.

I'm leaving you, Ravi, and I'm taking the kids.

[tires squeal]

Yikes. Guess your little fart was

deadlier then I thought.

[glass shatters]

I have nothing!

[choked up] I don't know who I am anymore!

I don't even know when I'm farting,

so I have to break all of these windows

- to air this place out! - That's enough! You're fired!

Looks like I'm the nicest guy in the office again.

[laughs diabolically]

Ooh, maybe we should have a party...

a pizza party.

[laughs diabolically]

Dear God, What hath I wrought?

All right, that's how we do it

here at Jed's Country & Westwing Bar.

Now it's time for

the Congressional Oversight Committee Tush Push!

- Flute, we need to go. - Oh, come on,

I just want to down a MartinSheen-i

and ride the mechanical Toby Ziegler.

[hydraulics whirring]

- ID? - Me? I'm being carded?

Oh, my God, I could kiss you right now... and might.

- I'm in my experimental phase. - You're 44?

Yeah, right. Plus, you overdid it with the photoshop.

- No human being looks this gross. - I'd just eaten a trick jelly bean.

Now give me the drink, Seaborn.

You're gonna sit there for a couple hours and settle down.

Sir, please, in a couple hours it'll be too late.

Or would it be too early?

No, I'm going backwards, time's going forward.

You had it right. Ignore me.

I'm in college now and likely on shrooms,

which would explain all this.

[dramatic music]

?

[hydraulics whirring]

[people screaming]

I'd say thank you, but I'm an entitled 21-year-old,

so get out of my way, Boomer.

I just got the strongest urge to go see "Men in Black" right now.

You're getting too young for this crap.

[exciting music]

I hope Vandersloop's still in here.

Freeze, you... extremely old dead man?

Huh, he must have tried the pink potion, but since he

didn't have the blue one yet, he aged himself to death.

Well, the important thing is he must have the potion on him,

so I can take a sip and get dat immortality, son!

No, no, no!

He must have fallen on it when he... died.

[kid voice] So is that gonna happen to me,

- but, like, in reverse? - Don't be scared.

We don't know for sure what will happen.

[sighs] Pretty soon I'm gonna be

like Nirvana's best album, "Unplugged."

They were a huge band when I was this age.

- Look, let's not panic... - My pubes are gone!

Can I buy some of yours to glue on?

I-I'll totally pay you when I get my allowance.

[groans] This sucks.

Of course it happened to me. Everything happens to me.

Are you sure you're allowed to ride in the front seat?

Ooh, ooh, pull over. I want to get a sour blue slush

and pour a box of Nerds in it.

- You've already had a lot of sweets. - Forget it. what's the point?

I'm probably gonna die anyway...

or... or be unborn. Y-you know what I mean, jeez!

I thought younger was supposed to be better.

This is worse than being 44.

Ugh. Just take me to Harmony's house.

Don't you think you might be a little young for...

- Just take me there, jeez! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- I'm going, I'm going. Look. - Can I get one thing

- I ask for in my life... - I'm turning around.

Or is that too much?

[mysterious music]

Okay, now that you taught me to ruthlessly pursue

what I want with no regard for how it might hurt others...

- I did not teach you that! - My new plan is to trick

Wynona into dating me by embarrassing

her so much she'll have no other options.

And I'll do that with the help of a prank device

that I've placed on her chair.

Oh, come on, another whoopee cushion?

No, the same one. They're reusable!

That's it. Come with me.

- I think you need to see something. - Okay, but if it's "Encanto,"

I've already seen it 112 times.

? ?

[door creaks] Hey there, Champ.

I thought you told your mom to stop setting you up

on playdates with other weird kids.

This one looks worse than the Nerf-eater.

- Dad? - How did you...

[chuckles] I'd recognize that look of disappointment anywhere.

[sighs] I'm only disappointed because I messed up.

I came to hang out with you

because I tried to become immortal and...

Wait! You want to hang out with me?

- Okay! - Stan? You have a friend?

Oh, my God, I can't wait to tell your dad

so he can pay up.

On an unrelated bet that we made,

n-n-not about you making friends.

[doorbell rings]

Robot Pattinson, 'Teenz.

Come on in. Sorry, I'd offer you a seat,

but my wife took them all.

She said she wanted to get them

as far away from my butt as possible.

- Hey, we gonna to do this? - Yeah, just a minute.

I'm selling him my grandfather's watch

to pay the bills, and then for an extra 50,

I'm gonna dress like his boss and let him beat me up.

Now do you see what your

- trick toot turned you into? - You're right.

I may be the nicest guy in the office again,

but I had to become the meanest to get there.

I'm as fake as the whoopee cushion I put in his seat.

I-I'm... I'm sorry, are you saying

that was just a whoopee cushion?

Wow. Um, fun fact, I don't know if you heard,

but that little prank made my wife and kids leave me.

- Yeah, we saw the whole thing. - Oh. You saw it happening,

but you... wow.

So all of this, my ruined life, my firing,

the guy waiting in there to hit me in the sack

with a golf club while wearing my dead grandfather's watch,

is because of you two? Hm.

[grunts]

- Good prank. - Thanks for forgiving me,

former Lieutenant Ravi. You really are a nice guy.

Well, we should get out of here and let you get back

to whatever's left of your life.

You have... well, I was gonna say have fun,

but I don't think that's what he's paying for.

Tell me I need to work weekends.

? ?

I can't believe I won't be around

to find out how messed up you turn out.

But you gotta figure something out, Dad.

What about your Crime Mind?

Well, I don't know how it'll go

with this tiny, primitive child half-brain.

No offense. It's just science.

But it's worth a try.

[rock music]

Crime had better look out,

because Detective Marvin Flute is here.

I can solve anything, except my life.

Flute, we have to find the potion.

I'm coming. Keep your signature jacket on.

Watch him face off against the evil Vandersloop.

The potion is mine.

And I'll get the other potion too so I'll be immortal!

No, you're supposed to say, "I'm never giving you the potion."

And then you drink it and get old and die.

But I wouldn't do that. I know how these potions work.

- I've been studying it my whole life. - But that's what you did.

?

Or did I?

Gotta tell... [baby voice] Kang!

The body was a fake! Vandersloop's still alive!

[indistinct muffled speech]

Well, aren't you a clever little detective with chipmunk cheeks?

Yes, I dug up a corpse to make it look

like I'd aged myself to death

so that Kang would let his guard down enough

for me to track him down and get this.

Oh, and surprise, I still have this.

I transferred it before I put

the broken amulet under the dead guy.

So now I can finally prove my ancestors were right

about you and become immortal.

And you'll be too busy being unborn to stop me.

But... but I... I don't want to die!

Uh, shh, shh. All right, d-don't cry.

- Yoink. - Hey!

[suspenseful music]

? ?

[grunts]

[indistinct muffled speech]

What are you waiting for? Drink the potion.

You'll be stuck at four, but if you don't take it,

we don't know what'll happen.

What? Are you having an oopsy?

Ah, I'm not drinking it.

I thought my problem was my age,

but there's bad stuff about every age.

Y-you just have to go with whatever age you're supposed to be.

And never getting close to anyone again

- sounds pretty stinky. - Yes, it is stinky.

But for some reason, I got close to you.

So now you can't leave me alone.

Come on, immortal detective buddies, remember?

- Open up for the choo-choo. - Shh.

Oh, let's just enjoy the few minutes we have... goo.

Uh, um, I mean... gaa.

Uh, uh-oh.

[babbling]

[giggling]

? ?

Goodbye, Flute.

If I had to get close to one person this century...

[babbling]

I'm glad it was you.

? ?

Pfft. You're crying? Jeez, now who's the baby?

Huh, the immortality in my tears must have reversed...

Who care why? My pubes are back!

Oh, I missed you guys, even you white ones.

- Glad you're okay, but... - What are we even doing?

- Are you trying to tickle me? - Can you please... no.

- I'm not four anymore. - You're just a little heavy...

- All right, I'll... - Flu...

- I can explain. - I don't even care.

Stan made a friend! Dollar.

It helped talking to Lieutenant Ravi.

Now I can go after Kang's job and hold my hair high,

knowing I did the right thing.

And I'm gonna win over Wynona with my charm

instead of gaslighting her.

Hey, gaslighting, like a fart.

[chuckles] Maybe I'll charm her with jokes like that.

[both scream] Kill the zombie!

No, no, no, it's okay. Turns out Kang is immortal.

Just like Keanu Reeves. [chuckles]

I'll forward you the links.

- I'm so glad you're back. - Me too mostly.

So, immortal.

That explains why you've never let anyone,

- especially me, get close to you. - Exactly.

I now realize I'm ready to let myself get close to people,

even if I'm gonna watch you all die.

ALL: Aww.

But if you tell anyone my secret,

I will spend the rest of eternity

eliminating your bloodline off the face of the planet.

[laughs]

You guys, this is gonna be so much fun.

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