Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,953 --> 00:00:03,953
Add milk and... an egg?
2
00:00:04,030 --> 00:00:08,958
Oh! It's the '90s!
Why is breakfast still so hard?
3
00:00:09,127 --> 00:00:14,130
Why not make breakfast easy
with Lil' Betsy's new D-Lite Pies?
4
00:00:14,132 --> 00:00:15,873
[light music]
5
00:00:16,042 --> 00:00:17,342
[rock guitar music playing]
6
00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:18,802
Fortified like a Waco compound
7
00:00:18,970 --> 00:00:20,090
with vitamins and minerals,
8
00:00:20,138 --> 00:00:21,621
D-Lite Pies are as quick and easy
9
00:00:21,623 --> 00:00:23,623
as going through airport security.
10
00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:26,185
? ?
[all gasp]
11
00:00:26,295 --> 00:00:30,965
- It wasn't me!
- And three decades later,
12
00:00:30,966 --> 00:00:33,930
she's not so lil' anymore,
but she's still...
13
00:00:33,931 --> 00:00:37,821
- somehow Lil' Betsy.
- It wasn't me!
14
00:00:37,973 --> 00:00:40,916
[chuckles] There it is.
Do you ever get tired of it?
15
00:00:41,143 --> 00:00:43,752
Tired of what?!
Those pies?
16
00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:48,481
How could I get tired of 'em
if I didn't even eat 'em?
17
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:51,276
- It wasn't me!
- No, I mean this character.
18
00:00:51,336 --> 00:00:53,153
You've spent your entire career
19
00:00:53,155 --> 00:00:55,035
pretending you're some
mischievous little moppet
20
00:00:55,059 --> 00:00:57,099
when you're clearly a woman
who could have a child
21
00:00:57,175 --> 00:00:59,159
the same age
you're pretending to be.
22
00:00:59,161 --> 00:01:01,161
Shouldn't you leave that behind
and move on?
23
00:01:01,163 --> 00:01:05,107
I mean, isn't the world done
with Lil' Betsy?
24
00:01:05,258 --> 00:01:06,608
[dramatic music]
25
00:01:06,685 --> 00:01:07,758
No, no, no!
26
00:01:07,853 --> 00:01:09,153
[groaning]
27
00:01:09,171 --> 00:01:13,673
It wasn't m...
[bright music]
28
00:01:13,766 --> 00:01:16,676
[dramatic music]
29
00:01:16,769 --> 00:01:23,583
? ?
30
00:01:36,148 --> 00:01:37,738
"Good Mornin' Grimsburg,"
indeed.
31
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:40,467
Let's see what the crime mind
has to say about this one.
32
00:01:42,154 --> 00:01:46,098
Today on the show,
the musical stylings of She Did It.
33
00:01:46,325 --> 00:01:47,915
Huh. That was easy.
34
00:01:48,009 --> 00:01:51,828
Lil' Betsy is gonna do time,
and she ain't going to juvie.
35
00:01:51,830 --> 00:01:55,515
- No sympathy at all, Flute?
- No self-respecting adult should eat a pie.
36
00:01:55,609 --> 00:01:57,289
I say if you want
to ingest cherry filling,
37
00:01:57,352 --> 00:01:59,260
you eat it right out
of the can like a man...
38
00:01:59,262 --> 00:02:03,022
- or a zombie apocalypse survivor.
- You even have a hot take on pies.
39
00:02:03,099 --> 00:02:04,859
Did you know the greenroom
isn't actually...
40
00:02:04,883 --> 00:02:06,843
[gasps]
41
00:02:06,845 --> 00:02:07,953
[retches]
42
00:02:08,122 --> 00:02:10,122
- You okay, Summers?
- Mm.
43
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:12,398
Because it looked like
you were about to blow e-chunks
44
00:02:12,422 --> 00:02:15,852
- when you saw that bloody corpse.
- I'm... [retches]
45
00:02:16,021 --> 00:02:17,462
Fine!
46
00:02:18,857 --> 00:02:20,357
We're going to court!
47
00:02:20,450 --> 00:02:22,950
Lil' Betsy's lawyer
says she's not guilty.
48
00:02:22,952 --> 00:02:24,469
The mayor has made it very clear
49
00:02:24,471 --> 00:02:26,471
we need to win this
or we're out of a job.
50
00:02:26,698 --> 00:02:30,049
Don't worry, Chief. We got
everything to convict her right here.
51
00:02:30,126 --> 00:02:32,293
This is a celebrity trial.
52
00:02:32,371 --> 00:02:34,053
I get that the public
love to support their stars.
53
00:02:34,148 --> 00:02:37,315
You're looking at a guy with
several paid OnlyFans subscriptions.
54
00:02:37,317 --> 00:02:39,467
But in the eyes of the law,
we're all equal.
55
00:02:39,544 --> 00:02:42,320
Lil' Betsy killed someone
on live TV and probably Roku.
56
00:02:42,547 --> 00:02:45,715
The people won't look past that.
Trust me.
57
00:02:45,717 --> 00:02:47,550
[crowd yelling]
58
00:02:47,552 --> 00:02:50,220
Lil' Betsy can't do nothin' bad.
59
00:02:50,222 --> 00:02:52,906
And if you say she did,
I will dox your grandma.
60
00:02:52,908 --> 00:02:54,208
Oh, sure, she has her stans.
61
00:02:54,393 --> 00:02:56,561
But as someone who both
stans justice and just
62
00:02:56,562 --> 00:02:58,729
learned what "stan" means,
I'm a firm believer
63
00:02:58,897 --> 00:03:00,672
in our famously impartial
legal system.
64
00:03:00,899 --> 00:03:02,199
[door clicks shut]
65
00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:05,426
Sorry, just coming
from a fan club meeting.
66
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,520
Doesn't matter for what.
67
00:03:06,688 --> 00:03:09,355
Loni, do you have
any pretrial motions?
68
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,598
Thank you.
69
00:03:10,617 --> 00:03:13,343
As we all know,
I fell through a temporal rift
70
00:03:13,436 --> 00:03:15,954
on the escalator at the
Valley View Mall in 1984
71
00:03:15,956 --> 00:03:18,606
and wound up here.
It happens.
72
00:03:18,608 --> 00:03:21,609
But if I were back there now,
I'd do two things:
73
00:03:21,686 --> 00:03:24,187
one, I'd pop a quaalude
and moonwalk into an arcade,
74
00:03:24,356 --> 00:03:27,875
and, two, I'd have my client
plead guilty because... [laughs]
75
00:03:27,876 --> 00:03:31,878
- That video is undeniable.
- See, what did I tell you?
76
00:03:31,954 --> 00:03:33,194
Seriously, what did I tell you?
77
00:03:33,218 --> 00:03:35,807
- Because I think I have long COVID.
- But it's not 1984.
78
00:03:36,034 --> 00:03:38,868
It's the present day,
where celebrities like my client
79
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:42,388
are forced to deal with all
sorts of video manipulations...
80
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,983
photoshop, CGI,
even deepfakes like this video
81
00:03:45,060 --> 00:03:46,893
I found of Seth Rogen.
82
00:03:46,987 --> 00:03:47,987
[upbeat music playing]
83
00:03:48,213 --> 00:03:50,046
Oh, I don't smoke weed now.
84
00:03:50,139 --> 00:03:51,439
All I need is Vladimir Putin,
85
00:03:51,491 --> 00:03:54,734
who is A-okay number one
friend of USA!
86
00:03:54,811 --> 00:03:56,494
[laughs]
87
00:03:56,596 --> 00:03:59,246
After seeing that,
this used to look good to me,
88
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,969
but now I find it
simply inadmissible.
89
00:04:03,004 --> 00:04:04,661
[upbeat rock music]
90
00:04:04,663 --> 00:04:07,254
I deem the evidence inadmissible!
91
00:04:07,256 --> 00:04:10,132
And I deem Lil' Betsy adorable.
92
00:04:10,259 --> 00:04:11,776
[cheers and applause]
93
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:15,447
Let's not panic.
We can still win without that tape.
94
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,683
We'll just put you on the stand
and get the conviction.
95
00:04:17,707 --> 00:04:19,433
But you gotta play it perfectly.
96
00:04:19,453 --> 00:04:21,268
No more being a loose cannon.
97
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,270
From now on, your cannon
needs to be tighter
98
00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:25,290
than Ariana Grande's ponytail.
99
00:04:25,292 --> 00:04:27,700
Say nothing to the press, got it?
100
00:04:27,794 --> 00:04:30,611
- Flute?
- They say justice is blind,
101
00:04:30,689 --> 00:04:32,872
but I can't say that anymore,
not after today...
102
00:04:32,949 --> 00:04:35,467
and also because that's
gotta be offensive, right?
103
00:04:35,694 --> 00:04:40,163
Uh, justice is visually impaired?
That seems better.
104
00:04:40,215 --> 00:04:41,515
But I'm more concerned
with justice's sense of smell
105
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:43,866
since they couldn't sniff out
that this is all crap!
106
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,477
I'm so sick of celebrities
getting special treatment.
107
00:04:45,704 --> 00:04:47,962
Why do they get their own rules,
their own golf tournaments,
108
00:04:48,056 --> 00:04:49,456
their own editions
of "Big Brother"?
109
00:04:49,532 --> 00:04:50,624
They're not better than us.
110
00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:52,484
We all put our pants on
the same way:
111
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,445
in the dark, praying they still fit.
112
00:04:57,259 --> 00:04:58,559
Pi�ataMan, stop!
113
00:04:58,670 --> 00:05:00,260
They're already dead!
114
00:05:00,355 --> 00:05:02,262
Stan Drescher, there you are.
115
00:05:02,357 --> 00:05:04,357
Turn it to Channel 14
right now.
116
00:05:04,359 --> 00:05:08,527
Stabbed by alleged murderer
and confirmed sweet pea Lil' Betsy.
117
00:05:08,604 --> 00:05:10,513
- Why are we watching this?
- Don't ya see?
118
00:05:10,606 --> 00:05:12,940
If Lil' Betsy goes down,
the D-Lite Pie
119
00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:16,127
and Petroleum Company
will need a new poster child.
120
00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:20,356
- You mean me?
- Why not? You got a face.
121
00:05:20,449 --> 00:05:23,301
- The face of a star?
- A face.
122
00:05:23,378 --> 00:05:25,303
Now, we shoot you
an audition tape,
123
00:05:25,305 --> 00:05:27,121
get the gig,
then before you know it,
124
00:05:27,198 --> 00:05:30,004
nobody'll even remember
your "Hamilton"-style rap
125
00:05:30,005 --> 00:05:32,869
- about the Battle of Iwo Jima.
- You're right.
126
00:05:32,871 --> 00:05:36,314
Sustained eye contact
with my peers, here I come!
127
00:05:36,316 --> 00:05:37,965
[dramatic music]
128
00:05:38,059 --> 00:05:39,359
[charger beeping]
129
00:05:39,544 --> 00:05:41,152
What happened back at the crime scene?
130
00:05:41,379 --> 00:05:44,881
Oh, that? [chuckles]
Yeah, I just had to go to...
131
00:05:45,049 --> 00:05:47,474
an appointment with my...
lying coach.
132
00:05:47,552 --> 00:05:49,735
Come on, Summers, your lying coach?
133
00:05:49,829 --> 00:05:53,239
We both know Jerry moved away
to become an astronaut.
134
00:05:53,241 --> 00:05:55,391
Or so he said.
135
00:05:55,484 --> 00:05:59,078
Anyway, you sure this
wasn't about the blood?
136
00:05:59,155 --> 00:06:01,655
Mm, fine, you got me.
137
00:06:01,924 --> 00:06:04,500
Ever since I updated my OS,
I can't even look at it.
138
00:06:04,502 --> 00:06:06,093
I'm a homicide detective.
139
00:06:06,170 --> 00:06:07,853
I can't be repulsed
by the sight of blood.
140
00:06:07,855 --> 00:06:09,947
That's like a fedora salesman
being repulsed
141
00:06:10,174 --> 00:06:13,451
- by the sight of douchebags.
- It's okay. I can get you over it.
142
00:06:13,678 --> 00:06:15,904
- You really think you can help me?
- Of course.
143
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:17,822
I'm always
mentoring Flute on something.
144
00:06:18,016 --> 00:06:19,849
Plus, I helped Big Mike
with his vaping.
145
00:06:19,851 --> 00:06:22,460
I convinced Janice to make
amends with her birth mom.
146
00:06:22,611 --> 00:06:25,162
I even helped IT Tony
get over his fear of...
147
00:06:25,239 --> 00:06:28,541
- bread.
- Yep. Now I love bread.
148
00:06:28,635 --> 00:06:31,043
I really, really love it.
149
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,453
[speaks gibberish]
150
00:06:33,506 --> 00:06:37,016
See?
That'll be you, but with blood.
151
00:06:38,961 --> 00:06:41,121
Come on, Chief, there's gotta
be something we can do.
152
00:06:41,145 --> 00:06:43,205
Yeah, we can start
looking for new jobs.
153
00:06:43,207 --> 00:06:45,817
With my height and wingspan,
I could play in the WNBA
154
00:06:45,893 --> 00:06:48,820
or stock shelves at a big-box store.
155
00:06:49,047 --> 00:06:52,731
With the gender pay gap
in sports, maybe both.
156
00:06:52,884 --> 00:06:55,401
Yes, Sgt. Youregonnawannaseedis?
157
00:06:55,477 --> 00:06:59,088
Wait, let me guess:
I'm gonna wanna see dis?
158
00:07:00,892 --> 00:07:02,412
With the trial set to start Monday,
159
00:07:02,436 --> 00:07:04,560
all anyone can talk about
is Detective Flute,
160
00:07:04,579 --> 00:07:05,895
whose hot take on celebrity
161
00:07:05,897 --> 00:07:08,322
has made him a celebrity
in his own right.
162
00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:10,232
[chuckles]
People are dumb.
163
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:14,420
- Uh, don't kill me.
- Kill you? I should opposite kill you.
164
00:07:14,422 --> 00:07:17,014
Birth you?
Point is, they loved it.
165
00:07:17,241 --> 00:07:18,724
We fight fire with fire.
166
00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:21,780
If they're gonna put a celebrity
on the stand, so will we.
167
00:07:21,815 --> 00:07:23,245
You ready for your close-up?
168
00:07:23,339 --> 00:07:25,539
Well, Chief, I guess you
forgot about the tattoo I got
169
00:07:25,563 --> 00:07:28,025
just so I could
answer questions like this.
170
00:07:28,177 --> 00:07:29,177
[bell tolls]
171
00:07:29,178 --> 00:07:30,778
Oops.
172
00:07:34,201 --> 00:07:36,442
All we gotta do is make you
173
00:07:36,444 --> 00:07:39,519
as famous as Lil' Betsy
and the case is ours.
174
00:07:39,614 --> 00:07:41,574
But I'm not used
to all these lights and cameras
175
00:07:41,598 --> 00:07:43,115
and silicone nipple covers.
176
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,531
- Though it is very cold in here.
- You'll be fine.
177
00:07:45,620 --> 00:07:48,713
If you get nervous, just
imagine it's a crime scene.
178
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,549
[applause]
[bright music plays]
179
00:07:50,608 --> 00:07:51,941
Welcome back.
180
00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:54,701
Marvin Flute, you're known
for telling it how it is,
181
00:07:54,721 --> 00:07:57,296
so we wanted to get some more
of your hot takes.
182
00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:59,615
First up, pineapple on pizza:
183
00:07:59,617 --> 00:08:02,209
acceptable topping,
or should we be stopping?
184
00:08:02,211 --> 00:08:06,138
Pineapple on pizza?
Um, well, it's... [sighs]
185
00:08:06,232 --> 00:08:08,048
[whispering] Crime scene.
186
00:08:08,142 --> 00:08:11,477
[tense music]
187
00:08:11,479 --> 00:08:13,145
Detective Flute?
188
00:08:13,147 --> 00:08:18,317
- Detective Flute?
- Pineapple on pizza is fine.
189
00:08:18,394 --> 00:08:19,394
You know what sucks?
190
00:08:19,495 --> 00:08:22,346
People who make a big deal
about putting pineapple on pizza.
191
00:08:22,348 --> 00:08:25,134
I'm sick of those losers acting
like they're edgy or interesting.
192
00:08:25,184 --> 00:08:27,667
Are you really that bothered
by fruit on some za,
193
00:08:27,762 --> 00:08:29,602
or are you just squawking
your way through life
194
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:33,599
until they bury you in a coffin
where the only topping is dirt?
195
00:08:33,675 --> 00:08:37,111
[cheers and applause]
196
00:08:39,423 --> 00:08:40,723
Here's what we're gonna do.
197
00:08:40,775 --> 00:08:42,655
I'm gonna show you pictures
of other red liquids
198
00:08:42,732 --> 00:08:44,172
that you don't have
any problem with,
199
00:08:44,196 --> 00:08:46,628
and then slowly start
mixing in pictures of blood
200
00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:48,097
until you're desensitized.
201
00:08:48,099 --> 00:08:50,783
- Are you ready?
- Are you sure this'll work?
202
00:08:50,877 --> 00:08:53,936
[chuckles] Trust me.
I don't just call myself a mentor
203
00:08:53,938 --> 00:08:57,048
so I can get the teacher
discount on my cell phone plan.
204
00:08:57,275 --> 00:08:59,032
[screams]
205
00:08:59,126 --> 00:09:01,777
Wait, what? No, Summers,
this one's just ketchup.
206
00:09:01,779 --> 00:09:05,447
- It's blood! It's blood!
- No, it's just ketchup.
207
00:09:05,449 --> 00:09:08,801
So you're saying that liquid
is from tomatoes?
208
00:09:08,877 --> 00:09:11,637
Yeah, that's right.
Just tomatoes.
209
00:09:11,713 --> 00:09:13,547
It's the blood of tomatoes!
210
00:09:13,641 --> 00:09:16,809
How many innocent tomatoes
had to die?!
211
00:09:16,811 --> 00:09:19,962
I thought I was a mentor,
but maybe I'm not.
212
00:09:19,964 --> 00:09:23,574
My whole identity, my
fraudulent cell phone discount...
213
00:09:23,576 --> 00:09:28,304
it was all a lie.
Goodbye, unlimited data.
214
00:09:28,823 --> 00:09:30,223
Hurry up.
We don't have much time.
215
00:09:30,324 --> 00:09:33,826
Exactly, so why are we on
a gondola tour at Mount Taj?
216
00:09:33,828 --> 00:09:36,312
Hey, is it me,
or does "Mount Taj"
217
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,981
- kind of sound like "monta"...
- Welcome to Mount Taj.
218
00:09:39,074 --> 00:09:40,983
As we begin our ascent,
on your right,
219
00:09:40,985 --> 00:09:43,335
you'll also see Flute begin his.
220
00:09:43,412 --> 00:09:45,452
And here's another thing:
something must be done
221
00:09:45,476 --> 00:09:49,082
about people waving goodbye
at the end of Zooms.
222
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,602
You're leaving a meeting,
not setting sail for America.
223
00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:53,604
On your left, watch our hero
224
00:09:53,681 --> 00:09:55,514
continuing along
the trajectory of his arc
225
00:09:55,591 --> 00:09:56,891
at lightning speed.
226
00:09:57,025 --> 00:09:58,265
And you know what else I hate?
227
00:09:58,289 --> 00:10:00,377
Sheets.
They're basically bed lettuce.
228
00:10:00,379 --> 00:10:01,679
Until now.
229
00:10:01,714 --> 00:10:03,274
At the Sheet Shtore,
you can always find
230
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:06,108
the best in bedding because
we actually give a sheet!
231
00:10:06,110 --> 00:10:08,219
And on the right,
you'll see a mountain lion
232
00:10:08,221 --> 00:10:09,536
mauling a camper.
233
00:10:09,538 --> 00:10:11,113
[snarls]
[screams]
234
00:10:11,206 --> 00:10:13,039
But if you look just past that,
235
00:10:13,117 --> 00:10:15,375
you'll find Flute
finally achieving his goal.
236
00:10:15,453 --> 00:10:18,454
I wouldn't eat that, unless
you like snacking on murder pies.
237
00:10:18,547 --> 00:10:21,957
Sorry, Lil' Betsy, but if
that's what Marvin Flute thinks,
238
00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:24,050
then that's good enough
for me to decide
239
00:10:24,128 --> 00:10:26,737
this is not good enough
for me.
240
00:10:26,739 --> 00:10:29,556
She did what you said
because you said it.
241
00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:33,744
We did it, Flute.
You are... a celebrity.
242
00:10:33,971 --> 00:10:35,821
Thank you for visiting
Mount Taj,
243
00:10:35,973 --> 00:10:39,324
for when there's a lot to get across
but not much time.
244
00:10:40,235 --> 00:10:41,810
I'm ready to resume
your mentorship
245
00:10:41,812 --> 00:10:44,813
on my little fear of...
vein Cholula.
246
00:10:44,815 --> 00:10:48,000
Great, here's what you're
gonna do: ask someone else.
247
00:10:48,076 --> 00:10:50,594
- What?
- I've lost my mentor mojo.
248
00:10:50,821 --> 00:10:53,747
But you're the greatest mentor
this department has ever had.
249
00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,915
I can't stand that
I'm the one who broke you,
250
00:10:56,010 --> 00:10:59,252
which is why I'm gonna help you
become a mentor again.
251
00:10:59,254 --> 00:11:01,921
- You're... gonna help me?
- That's right.
252
00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:03,757
I'm gonna mentor the mentor
253
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,517
so you can mentor me,
your mentee,
254
00:11:05,611 --> 00:11:06,835
like you're meant to.
255
00:11:06,837 --> 00:11:08,837
[giggles]
It's gonna be mental.
256
00:11:08,930 --> 00:11:11,189
When your Dad ran away
for several years
257
00:11:11,284 --> 00:11:14,526
after a nervous breakdown,
who was there for you?
258
00:11:14,528 --> 00:11:16,120
Lil' Betsy's Pies.
259
00:11:16,347 --> 00:11:19,364
When your mom hibernated
through your 11th birthday,
260
00:11:19,517 --> 00:11:22,459
who was there for you?
Lil' Betsy's Pies.
261
00:11:22,686 --> 00:11:24,899
- When...
- Cut! Stan, you are...
262
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:29,374
and I mean this in the nicest
way possible... demented.
263
00:11:29,468 --> 00:11:30,950
- [chuckles]
- OK, fine.
264
00:11:31,045 --> 00:11:34,212
- So I've never had a D-Lite Pie.
- I knew it!
265
00:11:34,307 --> 00:11:37,641
Script reeked of phoniness.
It's a page-one rewrite.
266
00:11:37,643 --> 00:11:39,885
Put on a pot of coffee,
267
00:11:39,887 --> 00:11:42,668
because we're gonna be up
all night writing and I need
268
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:45,450
something to pour on passing
joggers to stay awake.
269
00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:46,800
[mellow music]
270
00:11:46,802 --> 00:11:48,819
Never knew Jinkos
had a VIP room.
271
00:11:48,896 --> 00:11:51,730
I can't believe I wasted my
life getting wasted downstairs.
272
00:11:51,907 --> 00:11:55,534
- Wait, why can't we get a table?
- It's fine.
273
00:11:55,569 --> 00:11:56,835
Let's just focus
on prepping your testimony.
274
00:11:56,912 --> 00:11:58,262
- Now...
- Why does Skid Marcus
275
00:11:58,338 --> 00:11:59,655
have a table and I don't?
276
00:11:59,657 --> 00:12:01,457
Sure, he's the number one
dry cleaner in town,
277
00:12:01,481 --> 00:12:02,781
but what's he ever ranted about?
278
00:12:02,843 --> 00:12:05,177
Besides those pants I brought
in after the Chili Cook-Off.
279
00:12:05,345 --> 00:12:07,529
I feel like you're
losing the plot here.
280
00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:10,941
You're only pretending to be
a celebrity to win the trial.
281
00:12:11,018 --> 00:12:12,538
But how can I pretend
I'm a celebrity
282
00:12:12,562 --> 00:12:14,336
when I'm sitting at the bar
like a schlub?
283
00:12:14,338 --> 00:12:15,687
You need to start
pretending to be
284
00:12:15,781 --> 00:12:17,597
my pretend manager
and get me a table!
285
00:12:17,675 --> 00:12:19,116
- Now!
- Yes, right away.
286
00:12:19,343 --> 00:12:21,677
And find out how we get
my picture on the wall!
287
00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:25,772
- Do I just put it up myself?
- I could put that up for you.
288
00:12:25,774 --> 00:12:27,516
Oh, wow, thank you.
That's so...
289
00:12:27,609 --> 00:12:30,519
[sultry music]
290
00:12:30,521 --> 00:12:33,705
- Lil' Betsy?
- Uh, can I interest you
291
00:12:33,707 --> 00:12:36,616
in a you of champagne?
292
00:12:36,618 --> 00:12:37,634
[giggles, pops lips]
293
00:12:37,711 --> 00:12:40,281
What?
Oh, flute. Champagne flute.
294
00:12:40,282 --> 00:12:41,863
My name is Flute.
I'm gonna use that.
295
00:12:41,865 --> 00:12:44,942
But no, thank you.
I'm not sure how it would look
296
00:12:45,052 --> 00:12:46,643
to be drinking
with a probable murderer.
297
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,645
I couldn't help
overhearing your convo
298
00:12:48,872 --> 00:12:50,814
with that giant loud woman.
299
00:12:50,891 --> 00:12:52,874
You can't expect regs like that
300
00:12:52,876 --> 00:12:56,345
- to understand A-listers like us.
- Oh, thank you.
301
00:12:56,489 --> 00:12:58,649
I feel like I'm always having
to explain myself to her.
302
00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:02,067
Well, maybe you should
hang out with someone
303
00:13:02,143 --> 00:13:04,553
you don't have
to explain yourself to
304
00:13:04,688 --> 00:13:07,777
because she already understands
and doesn't care
305
00:13:07,778 --> 00:13:11,059
because she's too busy
thinking about herself.
306
00:13:11,061 --> 00:13:12,652
Exactly!
I'm sorry, what did you say?
307
00:13:12,671 --> 00:13:14,191
I was thinking about myself.
308
00:13:14,231 --> 00:13:17,895
[laughs] I said, why don't
the two of us get out of here?
309
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:20,068
Exactly!
Hey, here's an even better idea.
310
00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:22,304
Why don't the two of us
get out of here?
311
00:13:23,682 --> 00:13:25,741
[dramatic music]
312
00:13:25,909 --> 00:13:29,002
- This isn't gonna work.
- We'll see about that.
313
00:13:29,079 --> 00:13:31,688
I brought some friends of mine
who are having trouble
314
00:13:31,765 --> 00:13:33,840
learning proper
police booking procedure.
315
00:13:33,842 --> 00:13:35,767
Can you help them?
316
00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:38,795
No, mentorship is more
of a one-on-one thing.
317
00:13:39,022 --> 00:13:40,322
I know, but you know how it is.
318
00:13:40,326 --> 00:13:42,799
If I bring Gretchen,
I have to bring Mr. Pancake,
319
00:13:42,876 --> 00:13:44,176
and then if you've got Mr. P,
320
00:13:44,211 --> 00:13:46,051
you kind of have to take
the whole Cuddle Crew,
321
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,121
- so pretty soon...
- It's not just that.
322
00:13:48,215 --> 00:13:50,866
You can't mentor someone
by making them learn it.
323
00:13:50,959 --> 00:13:53,719
- They have to live it.
- [sighs] You're right.
324
00:13:53,871 --> 00:13:55,036
Who am I kidding?
325
00:13:55,130 --> 00:13:57,648
I guess I was never meant
to mentor a mentor.
326
00:13:57,724 --> 00:14:01,801
[groans]
Okay, fine, just come with me.
327
00:14:01,879 --> 00:14:03,302
I know where you need to go.
328
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:05,489
All right!
We're going for a ride, guys.
329
00:14:05,716 --> 00:14:08,566
- No. Just you.
- Okay.
330
00:14:08,661 --> 00:14:09,961
[whispering] I'll send an Uber.
331
00:14:10,053 --> 00:14:12,070
[sultry music]
332
00:14:12,147 --> 00:14:13,830
Is there anything worse
than when the Make-a-Wish kid
333
00:14:13,832 --> 00:14:15,512
you're visiting
doesn't look sick enough...
334
00:14:15,536 --> 00:14:17,575
BOTH:
So you can't post the picture?
335
00:14:17,744 --> 00:14:19,152
[laughs]
336
00:14:19,229 --> 00:14:21,838
Well, it's a shame
we're on two different sides
337
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,749
when we should really
be on the same side...
338
00:14:24,843 --> 00:14:28,109
of the bed.
[laughs]
339
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:33,591
- So... how did you lose your teeth?
- Well, with a pair of pliers.
340
00:14:33,593 --> 00:14:35,895
- Did it hurt?
- Well, not as much
341
00:14:35,896 --> 00:14:36,912
as not being recognized.
342
00:14:37,005 --> 00:14:39,915
I won't let anything
stop me from being famous!
343
00:14:40,008 --> 00:14:42,067
And neither should you.
344
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:46,104
[laughs]
Well, ain't that the truth?
345
00:14:46,181 --> 00:14:48,031
You should have one of those
in your bedroom.
346
00:14:48,108 --> 00:14:51,443
Oh, totally!
Come on, let's take it.
347
00:14:51,445 --> 00:14:52,745
[laughs]
348
00:14:52,763 --> 00:14:53,853
Oh, you're serious.
349
00:14:53,931 --> 00:14:55,613
I can't steal that.
I'm a detective.
350
00:14:55,690 --> 00:14:59,951
- But you're also a celebrity.
- And laws are laws.
351
00:14:59,953 --> 00:15:01,393
We're not different
than anyone else.
352
00:15:01,417 --> 00:15:04,494
Aren't we?
I mean, we're VIP,
353
00:15:04,495 --> 00:15:08,960
very important people,
and not to us, to them.
354
00:15:08,962 --> 00:15:12,038
Our fans want us to be special.
355
00:15:12,115 --> 00:15:14,224
Now, why else would they
buy our pies
356
00:15:14,226 --> 00:15:17,135
or listen to our rants
or watch our sex tapes?
357
00:15:17,229 --> 00:15:19,454
Yeah, I mean,
even detectives are allowed
358
00:15:19,456 --> 00:15:21,380
to break the speed limit
when you're in pursuit.
359
00:15:21,475 --> 00:15:23,808
And zookeepers are allowed
to bring home animals
360
00:15:23,885 --> 00:15:26,812
on the weekend to ride around...
I assume.
361
00:15:26,888 --> 00:15:28,313
I mean, why else have that job?
362
00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:31,891
So now that I'm a celebrity,
I guess...
363
00:15:31,893 --> 00:15:33,635
[ethereal music]
364
00:15:33,728 --> 00:15:38,731
[grunts]
[triumphant music]
365
00:15:38,809 --> 00:15:41,810
?
366
00:15:41,812 --> 00:15:42,902
[horn honks]
Crap!
367
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:44,145
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!
368
00:15:44,147 --> 00:15:48,045
[car crashes]
Why was there no sign?
369
00:15:52,765 --> 00:15:53,765
Where have you been?
370
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,267
- The trial is about to start.
- Sorry I'm dope.
371
00:15:57,594 --> 00:16:00,445
Ooh, I love this look...
Pete Davidson meets a buffet.
372
00:16:00,521 --> 00:16:02,780
Mm, this is gonna kill
on the stand today.
373
00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:04,933
I know,
except for one little tweak.
374
00:16:04,935 --> 00:16:09,380
I'm testifying for Lil' Betsy,
especially now that Lil' B
375
00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:12,090
- and I are a power couple.
- You're in too deep.
376
00:16:12,125 --> 00:16:15,744
- You can't seriously be falling for her.
- Why wouldn't I?
377
00:16:15,946 --> 00:16:17,246
I'm not gonna Hugh Jackman
this thing and date a normie.
378
00:16:17,389 --> 00:16:19,872
I need someone who knows what
it's like to be a celebrity
379
00:16:19,874 --> 00:16:21,841
and keep me in the news cycle.
380
00:16:21,876 --> 00:16:24,802
And she does both of those things
and a whole lot more.
381
00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:26,879
Ooh, a whole lot.
382
00:16:26,973 --> 00:16:28,881
You'll see
when the tape comes out.
383
00:16:28,975 --> 00:16:32,903
Money, power, sex, pie!
384
00:16:33,130 --> 00:16:36,740
- Should I be saying "sex pie"?
- Hack! Get out of the way.
385
00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:38,633
Let me show you how it's done.
386
00:16:38,635 --> 00:16:40,559
1776.
[music]
387
00:16:40,654 --> 00:16:42,078
Colonial Boston.
388
00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:44,897
A man is about to be hanged.
[laughs]
389
00:16:44,975 --> 00:16:47,566
Is he guilty?
It doesn't matter.
390
00:16:47,644 --> 00:16:48,977
"Any last words?"
391
00:16:48,995 --> 00:16:51,813
"Just one. Pie."
392
00:16:51,815 --> 00:16:54,797
- Mm, not bad.
- That was my first time
393
00:16:54,798 --> 00:16:57,502
doing something on camera
that wasn't X-rated.
394
00:16:57,578 --> 00:16:58,711
Felt weird.
395
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,867
Rap.
Stands for Rhythm And Poetry.
396
00:17:04,094 --> 00:17:05,760
Poetry is for the soul.
397
00:17:05,762 --> 00:17:10,189
And you're looking at your
soul sister right here.
398
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:12,934
Can I try the folding chair
one more time?
399
00:17:12,936 --> 00:17:15,861
Wow, a whole store
just for mentors?
400
00:17:15,955 --> 00:17:18,790
They got everything you need
to change someone else's life.
401
00:17:18,942 --> 00:17:22,368
Am I to gather this is your
first time mentoring, young man?
402
00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:25,162
How exciting.
I remember my first.
403
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,004
I taught a child that the
attention she desperately craved
404
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:31,119
- must come from within.
- I taught a troubled quarterback
405
00:17:31,212 --> 00:17:33,212
that the only throw
he'd never complete
406
00:17:33,306 --> 00:17:35,214
was to the father
who was never there.
407
00:17:35,292 --> 00:17:37,792
Oh, and I choked a genius
to get him to respect
408
00:17:37,794 --> 00:17:41,129
- my farting dead wife.
- And what about your first time, Kang?
409
00:17:41,131 --> 00:17:43,573
Ah, it's silly.
Nobody wants to hear that.
410
00:17:43,742 --> 00:17:45,968
- Oh, please?
- Word, dawg.
411
00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,727
- Yes, you must.
- It was a long time ago.
412
00:17:48,729 --> 00:17:49,889
He had just fought in the war
413
00:17:49,973 --> 00:17:51,748
and wondered what he
could offer the world,
414
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,157
until he finally realized
415
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,067
that it was the world
that made the offers.
416
00:17:55,069 --> 00:17:58,088
And I taught that to...
the man in the mirror.
417
00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:01,424
- Michael Jacks...
- Me. I taught it to me.
418
00:18:01,501 --> 00:18:04,243
Oh, good.
That could have been problematic.
419
00:18:04,245 --> 00:18:06,078
See, you can't help others
420
00:18:06,247 --> 00:18:08,765
until you've
helped yourself, Summers.
421
00:18:08,842 --> 00:18:11,250
That's a very wise lesson...
422
00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:13,436
you mentor!
[laughs]
423
00:18:13,513 --> 00:18:14,873
And now that you're
a mentor again,
424
00:18:15,014 --> 00:18:17,165
you can help me get over
my fear of blood.
425
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:20,562
Unless I already did.
426
00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:24,781
You've been standing in real
human blood this whole time.
427
00:18:24,816 --> 00:18:29,602
I'm cured! [laughs]
You mentored me, Kang.
428
00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:31,604
Although, actually,
I mentored you
429
00:18:31,681 --> 00:18:33,848
by making you bring me here
in the first place.
430
00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:37,568
Or did you? You think there's
a store just for mentors?
431
00:18:37,646 --> 00:18:39,520
I hired these people
to make you think
432
00:18:39,522 --> 00:18:41,464
you were mentoring me
to be a mentor again
433
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:42,966
when, in fact,
I was mentoring you
434
00:18:43,042 --> 00:18:44,783
to mentor me to mentor you.
435
00:18:44,878 --> 00:18:48,363
- Or were you?
- Huh?
436
00:18:48,548 --> 00:18:50,428
I don't know, I thought
maybe that would work.
437
00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:51,613
[door creaks, bell jingles]
438
00:18:51,615 --> 00:18:53,792
One of 'em threw up
in the back of my Uber.
439
00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:54,719
[indistinct chatter]
440
00:18:54,795 --> 00:18:57,339
- Defense, your witness.
- Objection, your honor.
441
00:18:57,390 --> 00:18:59,310
The witness and the accused
are clearly flirting.
442
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:01,151
Oh, we're way beyond flirting.
443
00:19:01,153 --> 00:19:04,212
If flirting is the lobby,
we're at, like, the 17th floor,
444
00:19:04,214 --> 00:19:08,216
- where the business center is.
- Flirting overruled.
445
00:19:08,218 --> 00:19:11,569
Let the record reflect
that things are getting spicy.
446
00:19:11,646 --> 00:19:13,738
Look, I know
what you all want from me:
447
00:19:13,814 --> 00:19:15,999
a hot take.
Well, here's one.
448
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:19,560
Lil' Betsy killed him...
[people gasp]
449
00:19:19,562 --> 00:19:20,653
in self-defense!
450
00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:21,730
[people murmuring]
451
00:19:21,822 --> 00:19:25,400
- And she did it adorably.
- ALL: Aww!
452
00:19:25,493 --> 00:19:27,235
That talk-show host
was threatening you,
453
00:19:27,237 --> 00:19:29,237
so you defended yourself,
isn't that right?
454
00:19:29,239 --> 00:19:31,330
Objection! The witness
is acting like a lawyer.
455
00:19:31,408 --> 00:19:33,574
We get it.
You went to law school.
456
00:19:33,576 --> 00:19:35,544
- Overruled.
- He was attacking me.
457
00:19:35,578 --> 00:19:39,505
- He said I was too old to be Lil' Betsy.
- Who says that?
458
00:19:39,507 --> 00:19:41,107
I'll tell you who:
a celebrity who thinks
459
00:19:41,131 --> 00:19:43,267
- the rules don't apply to them.
- Exactly.
460
00:19:43,361 --> 00:19:45,394
Even if that means attacking
a poor old,
461
00:19:45,395 --> 00:19:48,180
- less popular celebrity.
- What? No!
462
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:51,034
I'm a much bigger star
than he ever was.
463
00:19:51,036 --> 00:19:55,263
- Ugh. He could never hurt me.
- Oh, sorry, I guess I'm confused.
464
00:19:55,356 --> 00:19:57,856
Did you feel threatened
by a bigger celebrity
465
00:19:57,876 --> 00:19:59,176
and defend yourself?
466
00:19:59,193 --> 00:20:00,935
Or are you an A-lister
who felt so entitled
467
00:20:00,937 --> 00:20:02,027
that you killed a man
because you knew
468
00:20:02,121 --> 00:20:04,047
you were famous enough
to get away with it?
469
00:20:04,123 --> 00:20:05,940
Which one is it?
Who was the bigger star?
470
00:20:05,942 --> 00:20:07,608
[tense music]
471
00:20:07,702 --> 00:20:10,869
It wasn't me!
472
00:20:10,947 --> 00:20:13,556
Sorry, force of habit.
It was me.
473
00:20:13,783 --> 00:20:15,132
[people gasp]
474
00:20:15,209 --> 00:20:16,893
I killed that man in cold blood,
475
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,137
and I ate all those pies.
It was me!
476
00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:23,350
It's always been me!
477
00:20:23,551 --> 00:20:27,462
In light of this,
I find Lil' Betsy guilty.
478
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,965
I hope you can still be
adorable in an orange jumpsuit.
479
00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:35,339
Who am I kidding? I almost
wanna go to jail just to see it.
480
00:20:35,638 --> 00:20:39,064
So you did all this to convince her
you were on her side...
481
00:20:39,158 --> 00:20:42,067
the fight with me,
dating her, the fake tattoos.
482
00:20:42,161 --> 00:20:46,814
Yes, fake tattoos,
which is something I knew existed.
483
00:20:46,816 --> 00:20:51,002
- Jinkos? Not VIP.
- Need a ride?
484
00:20:51,078 --> 00:20:56,485
- Hop on. I got her the whole weekend.
- I call shotgun.
485
00:20:58,203 --> 00:21:00,949
The tape you sent us was amazing.
486
00:21:00,950 --> 00:21:02,780
[laughs] We're gonna be rich!
487
00:21:02,857 --> 00:21:05,541
I'm gonna buy you so many
parents that'll love you.
488
00:21:05,710 --> 00:21:06,710
30 seconds of dead air,
489
00:21:06,878 --> 00:21:09,120
then a kid walks in
and says, "Not bad."
490
00:21:09,196 --> 00:21:10,438
[laughs]
Genius!
491
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,944
- So I'm the new Lil' Betsy?
- Oh, God, no.
492
00:21:13,979 --> 00:21:15,276
We just want the concept.
493
00:21:15,278 --> 00:21:20,723
- Demand points on the back end.
- Could I have a single pie?
494
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:29,398
[rock guitar music playing]
495
00:21:29,976 --> 00:21:32,591
Does this have peanuts?
496
00:21:32,641 --> 00:21:37,191
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39266
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.