Original subtitles

Add milk and... an egg?

Oh! It's the '90s! Why is breakfast still so hard?

Why not make breakfast easy with Lil' Betsy's new D-Lite Pies?

[light music]

[rock guitar music playing]

Fortified like a Waco compound

with vitamins and minerals,

D-Lite Pies are as quick and easy

as going through airport security.

? ? [all gasp]

- It wasn't me! - And three decades later,

she's not so lil' anymore, but she's still...

- somehow Lil' Betsy. - It wasn't me!

[chuckles] There it is. Do you ever get tired of it?

Tired of what?! Those pies?

How could I get tired of 'em if I didn't even eat 'em?

- It wasn't me! - No, I mean this character.

You've spent your entire career

pretending you're some mischievous little moppet

when you're clearly a woman who could have a child

the same age you're pretending to be.

Shouldn't you leave that behind and move on?

I mean, isn't the world done with Lil' Betsy?

[dramatic music]

No, no, no!

[groaning]

It wasn't m... [bright music]

[dramatic music]

? ?

"Good Mornin' Grimsburg," indeed.

Let's see what the crime mind has to say about this one.

Today on the show, the musical stylings of She Did It.

Huh. That was easy.

Lil' Betsy is gonna do time, and she ain't going to juvie.

- No sympathy at all, Flute? - No self-respecting adult should eat a pie.

I say if you want to ingest cherry filling,

you eat it right out of the can like a man...

- or a zombie apocalypse survivor. - You even have a hot take on pies.

Did you know the greenroom isn't actually...

[gasps]

[retches]

- You okay, Summers? - Mm.

Because it looked like you were about to blow e-chunks

- when you saw that bloody corpse. - I'm... [retches]

Fine!

We're going to court!

Lil' Betsy's lawyer says she's not guilty.

The mayor has made it very clear

we need to win this or we're out of a job.

Don't worry, Chief. We got everything to convict her right here.

This is a celebrity trial.

I get that the public love to support their stars.

You're looking at a guy with several paid OnlyFans subscriptions.

But in the eyes of the law, we're all equal.

Lil' Betsy killed someone on live TV and probably Roku.

The people won't look past that. Trust me.

[crowd yelling]

Lil' Betsy can't do nothin' bad.

And if you say she did, I will dox your grandma.

Oh, sure, she has her stans.

But as someone who both stans justice and just

learned what "stan" means, I'm a firm believer

in our famously impartial legal system.

[door clicks shut]

Sorry, just coming from a fan club meeting.

Doesn't matter for what.

Loni, do you have any pretrial motions?

Thank you.

As we all know, I fell through a temporal rift

on the escalator at the Valley View Mall in 1984

and wound up here. It happens.

But if I were back there now, I'd do two things:

one, I'd pop a quaalude and moonwalk into an arcade,

and, two, I'd have my client plead guilty because... [laughs]

- That video is undeniable. - See, what did I tell you?

Seriously, what did I tell you?

- Because I think I have long COVID. - But it's not 1984.

It's the present day, where celebrities like my client

are forced to deal with all sorts of video manipulations...

photoshop, CGI, even deepfakes like this video

I found of Seth Rogen.

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, I don't smoke weed now.

All I need is Vladimir Putin,

who is A-okay number one friend of USA!

[laughs]

After seeing that, this used to look good to me,

but now I find it simply inadmissible.

[upbeat rock music]

I deem the evidence inadmissible!

And I deem Lil' Betsy adorable.

[cheers and applause]

Let's not panic. We can still win without that tape.

We'll just put you on the stand and get the conviction.

But you gotta play it perfectly.

No more being a loose cannon.

From now on, your cannon needs to be tighter

than Ariana Grande's ponytail.

Say nothing to the press, got it?

- Flute? - They say justice is blind,

but I can't say that anymore, not after today...

and also because that's gotta be offensive, right?

Uh, justice is visually impaired? That seems better.

But I'm more concerned with justice's sense of smell

since they couldn't sniff out that this is all crap!

I'm so sick of celebrities getting special treatment.

Why do they get their own rules, their own golf tournaments,

their own editions of "Big Brother"?

They're not better than us.

We all put our pants on the same way:

in the dark, praying they still fit.

Pi�ataMan, stop!

They're already dead!

Stan Drescher, there you are.

Turn it to Channel 14 right now.

Stabbed by alleged murderer and confirmed sweet pea Lil' Betsy.

- Why are we watching this? - Don't ya see?

If Lil' Betsy goes down, the D-Lite Pie

and Petroleum Company will need a new poster child.

- You mean me? - Why not? You got a face.

- The face of a star? - A face.

Now, we shoot you an audition tape,

get the gig, then before you know it,

nobody'll even remember your "Hamilton"-style rap

- about the Battle of Iwo Jima. - You're right.

Sustained eye contact with my peers, here I come!

[dramatic music]

[charger beeping]

What happened back at the crime scene?

Oh, that? [chuckles] Yeah, I just had to go to...

an appointment with my... lying coach.

Come on, Summers, your lying coach?

We both know Jerry moved away to become an astronaut.

Or so he said.

Anyway, you sure this wasn't about the blood?

Mm, fine, you got me.

Ever since I updated my OS, I can't even look at it.

I'm a homicide detective.

I can't be repulsed by the sight of blood.

That's like a fedora salesman being repulsed

- by the sight of douchebags. - It's okay. I can get you over it.

- You really think you can help me? - Of course.

I'm always mentoring Flute on something.

Plus, I helped Big Mike with his vaping.

I convinced Janice to make amends with her birth mom.

I even helped IT Tony get over his fear of...

- bread. - Yep. Now I love bread.

I really, really love it.

[speaks gibberish]

See? That'll be you, but with blood.

Come on, Chief, there's gotta be something we can do.

Yeah, we can start looking for new jobs.

With my height and wingspan, I could play in the WNBA

or stock shelves at a big-box store.

With the gender pay gap in sports, maybe both.

Yes, Sgt. Youregonnawannaseedis?

Wait, let me guess: I'm gonna wanna see dis?

With the trial set to start Monday,

all anyone can talk about is Detective Flute,

whose hot take on celebrity

has made him a celebrity in his own right.

[chuckles] People are dumb.

- Uh, don't kill me. - Kill you? I should opposite kill you.

Birth you? Point is, they loved it.

We fight fire with fire.

If they're gonna put a celebrity on the stand, so will we.

You ready for your close-up?

Well, Chief, I guess you forgot about the tattoo I got

just so I could answer questions like this.

[bell tolls]

Oops.

All we gotta do is make you

as famous as Lil' Betsy and the case is ours.

But I'm not used to all these lights and cameras

and silicone nipple covers.

- Though it is very cold in here. - You'll be fine.

If you get nervous, just imagine it's a crime scene.

[applause] [bright music plays]

Welcome back.

Marvin Flute, you're known for telling it how it is,

so we wanted to get some more of your hot takes.

First up, pineapple on pizza:

acceptable topping, or should we be stopping?

Pineapple on pizza? Um, well, it's... [sighs]

[whispering] Crime scene.

[tense music]

Detective Flute?

- Detective Flute? - Pineapple on pizza is fine.

You know what sucks?

People who make a big deal about putting pineapple on pizza.

I'm sick of those losers acting like they're edgy or interesting.

Are you really that bothered by fruit on some za,

or are you just squawking your way through life

until they bury you in a coffin where the only topping is dirt?

[cheers and applause]

Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna show you pictures of other red liquids

that you don't have any problem with,

and then slowly start mixing in pictures of blood

until you're desensitized.

- Are you ready? - Are you sure this'll work?

[chuckles] Trust me. I don't just call myself a mentor

so I can get the teacher discount on my cell phone plan.

[screams]

Wait, what? No, Summers, this one's just ketchup.

- It's blood! It's blood! - No, it's just ketchup.

So you're saying that liquid is from tomatoes?

Yeah, that's right. Just tomatoes.

It's the blood of tomatoes!

How many innocent tomatoes had to die?!

I thought I was a mentor, but maybe I'm not.

My whole identity, my fraudulent cell phone discount...

it was all a lie. Goodbye, unlimited data.

Hurry up. We don't have much time.

Exactly, so why are we on a gondola tour at Mount Taj?

Hey, is it me, or does "Mount Taj"

- kind of sound like "monta"... - Welcome to Mount Taj.

As we begin our ascent, on your right,

you'll also see Flute begin his.

And here's another thing: something must be done

about people waving goodbye at the end of Zooms.

You're leaving a meeting, not setting sail for America.

On your left, watch our hero

continuing along the trajectory of his arc

at lightning speed.

And you know what else I hate?

Sheets. They're basically bed lettuce.

Until now.

At the Sheet Shtore, you can always find

the best in bedding because we actually give a sheet!

And on the right, you'll see a mountain lion

mauling a camper.

[snarls] [screams]

But if you look just past that,

you'll find Flute finally achieving his goal.

I wouldn't eat that, unless you like snacking on murder pies.

Sorry, Lil' Betsy, but if that's what Marvin Flute thinks,

then that's good enough for me to decide

this is not good enough for me.

She did what you said because you said it.

We did it, Flute. You are... a celebrity.

Thank you for visiting Mount Taj,

for when there's a lot to get across but not much time.

I'm ready to resume your mentorship

on my little fear of... vein Cholula.

Great, here's what you're gonna do: ask someone else.

- What? - I've lost my mentor mojo.

But you're the greatest mentor this department has ever had.

I can't stand that I'm the one who broke you,

which is why I'm gonna help you become a mentor again.

- You're... gonna help me? - That's right.

I'm gonna mentor the mentor

so you can mentor me, your mentee,

like you're meant to.

[giggles] It's gonna be mental.

When your Dad ran away for several years

after a nervous breakdown, who was there for you?

Lil' Betsy's Pies.

When your mom hibernated through your 11th birthday,

who was there for you? Lil' Betsy's Pies.

- When... - Cut! Stan, you are...

and I mean this in the nicest way possible... demented.

- [chuckles] - OK, fine.

- So I've never had a D-Lite Pie. - I knew it!

Script reeked of phoniness. It's a page-one rewrite.

Put on a pot of coffee,

because we're gonna be up all night writing and I need

something to pour on passing joggers to stay awake.

[mellow music]

Never knew Jinkos had a VIP room.

I can't believe I wasted my life getting wasted downstairs.

- Wait, why can't we get a table? - It's fine.

Let's just focus on prepping your testimony.

- Now... - Why does Skid Marcus

have a table and I don't?

Sure, he's the number one dry cleaner in town,

but what's he ever ranted about?

Besides those pants I brought in after the Chili Cook-Off.

I feel like you're losing the plot here.

You're only pretending to be a celebrity to win the trial.

But how can I pretend I'm a celebrity

when I'm sitting at the bar like a schlub?

You need to start pretending to be

my pretend manager and get me a table!

- Now! - Yes, right away.

And find out how we get my picture on the wall!

- Do I just put it up myself? - I could put that up for you.

Oh, wow, thank you. That's so...

[sultry music]

- Lil' Betsy? - Uh, can I interest you

in a you of champagne?

[giggles, pops lips]

What? Oh, flute. Champagne flute.

My name is Flute. I'm gonna use that.

But no, thank you. I'm not sure how it would look

to be drinking with a probable murderer.

I couldn't help overhearing your convo

with that giant loud woman.

You can't expect regs like that

- to understand A-listers like us. - Oh, thank you.

I feel like I'm always having to explain myself to her.

Well, maybe you should hang out with someone

you don't have to explain yourself to

because she already understands and doesn't care

because she's too busy thinking about herself.

Exactly! I'm sorry, what did you say?

I was thinking about myself.

[laughs] I said, why don't the two of us get out of here?

Exactly! Hey, here's an even better idea.

Why don't the two of us get out of here?

[dramatic music]

- This isn't gonna work. - We'll see about that.

I brought some friends of mine who are having trouble

learning proper police booking procedure.

Can you help them?

No, mentorship is more of a one-on-one thing.

I know, but you know how it is.

If I bring Gretchen, I have to bring Mr. Pancake,

and then if you've got Mr. P,

you kind of have to take the whole Cuddle Crew,

- so pretty soon... - It's not just that.

You can't mentor someone by making them learn it.

- They have to live it. - [sighs] You're right.

Who am I kidding?

I guess I was never meant to mentor a mentor.

[groans] Okay, fine, just come with me.

I know where you need to go.

All right! We're going for a ride, guys.

- No. Just you. - Okay.

[whispering] I'll send an Uber.

[sultry music]

Is there anything worse than when the Make-a-Wish kid

you're visiting doesn't look sick enough...

BOTH: So you can't post the picture?

[laughs]

Well, it's a shame we're on two different sides

when we should really be on the same side...

of the bed. [laughs]

- So... how did you lose your teeth? - Well, with a pair of pliers.

- Did it hurt? - Well, not as much

as not being recognized.

I won't let anything stop me from being famous!

And neither should you.

[laughs] Well, ain't that the truth?

You should have one of those in your bedroom.

Oh, totally! Come on, let's take it.

[laughs]

Oh, you're serious.

I can't steal that. I'm a detective.

- But you're also a celebrity. - And laws are laws.

We're not different than anyone else.

Aren't we? I mean, we're VIP,

very important people, and not to us, to them.

Our fans want us to be special.

Now, why else would they buy our pies

or listen to our rants or watch our sex tapes?

Yeah, I mean, even detectives are allowed

to break the speed limit when you're in pursuit.

And zookeepers are allowed to bring home animals

on the weekend to ride around... I assume.

I mean, why else have that job?

So now that I'm a celebrity, I guess...

[ethereal music]

[grunts] [triumphant music]

?

[horn honks] Crap!

- Oh, my God! - Whoa!

[car crashes] Why was there no sign?

Where have you been?

- The trial is about to start. - Sorry I'm dope.

Ooh, I love this look... Pete Davidson meets a buffet.

Mm, this is gonna kill on the stand today.

I know, except for one little tweak.

I'm testifying for Lil' Betsy, especially now that Lil' B

- and I are a power couple. - You're in too deep.

- You can't seriously be falling for her. - Why wouldn't I?

I'm not gonna Hugh Jackman this thing and date a normie.

I need someone who knows what it's like to be a celebrity

and keep me in the news cycle.

And she does both of those things and a whole lot more.

Ooh, a whole lot.

You'll see when the tape comes out.

Money, power, sex, pie!

- Should I be saying "sex pie"? - Hack! Get out of the way.

Let me show you how it's done.

1776. [music]

Colonial Boston.

A man is about to be hanged. [laughs]

Is he guilty? It doesn't matter.

"Any last words?"

"Just one. Pie."

- Mm, not bad. - That was my first time

doing something on camera that wasn't X-rated.

Felt weird.

Rap. Stands for Rhythm And Poetry.

Poetry is for the soul.

And you're looking at your soul sister right here.

Can I try the folding chair one more time?

Wow, a whole store just for mentors?

They got everything you need to change someone else's life.

Am I to gather this is your first time mentoring, young man?

How exciting. I remember my first.

I taught a child that the attention she desperately craved

- must come from within. - I taught a troubled quarterback

that the only throw he'd never complete

was to the father who was never there.

Oh, and I choked a genius to get him to respect

- my farting dead wife. - And what about your first time, Kang?

Ah, it's silly. Nobody wants to hear that.

- Oh, please? - Word, dawg.

- Yes, you must. - It was a long time ago.

He had just fought in the war

and wondered what he could offer the world,

until he finally realized

that it was the world that made the offers.

And I taught that to... the man in the mirror.

- Michael Jacks... - Me. I taught it to me.

Oh, good. That could have been problematic.

See, you can't help others

until you've helped yourself, Summers.

That's a very wise lesson...

you mentor! [laughs]

And now that you're a mentor again,

you can help me get over my fear of blood.

Unless I already did.

You've been standing in real human blood this whole time.

I'm cured! [laughs] You mentored me, Kang.

Although, actually, I mentored you

by making you bring me here in the first place.

Or did you? You think there's a store just for mentors?

I hired these people to make you think

you were mentoring me to be a mentor again

when, in fact, I was mentoring you

to mentor me to mentor you.

- Or were you? - Huh?

I don't know, I thought maybe that would work.

[door creaks, bell jingles]

One of 'em threw up in the back of my Uber.

[indistinct chatter]

- Defense, your witness. - Objection, your honor.

The witness and the accused are clearly flirting.

Oh, we're way beyond flirting.

If flirting is the lobby, we're at, like, the 17th floor,

- where the business center is. - Flirting overruled.

Let the record reflect that things are getting spicy.

Look, I know what you all want from me:

a hot take. Well, here's one.

Lil' Betsy killed him... [people gasp]

in self-defense!

[people murmuring]

- And she did it adorably. - ALL: Aww!

That talk-show host was threatening you,

so you defended yourself, isn't that right?

Objection! The witness is acting like a lawyer.

We get it. You went to law school.

- Overruled. - He was attacking me.

- He said I was too old to be Lil' Betsy. - Who says that?

I'll tell you who: a celebrity who thinks

- the rules don't apply to them. - Exactly.

Even if that means attacking a poor old,

- less popular celebrity. - What? No!

I'm a much bigger star than he ever was.

- Ugh. He could never hurt me. - Oh, sorry, I guess I'm confused.

Did you feel threatened by a bigger celebrity

and defend yourself?

Or are you an A-lister who felt so entitled

that you killed a man because you knew

you were famous enough to get away with it?

Which one is it? Who was the bigger star?

[tense music]

It wasn't me!

Sorry, force of habit. It was me.

[people gasp]

I killed that man in cold blood,

and I ate all those pies. It was me!

It's always been me!

In light of this, I find Lil' Betsy guilty.

I hope you can still be adorable in an orange jumpsuit.

Who am I kidding? I almost wanna go to jail just to see it.

So you did all this to convince her you were on her side...

the fight with me, dating her, the fake tattoos.

Yes, fake tattoos, which is something I knew existed.

- Jinkos? Not VIP. - Need a ride?

- Hop on. I got her the whole weekend. - I call shotgun.

The tape you sent us was amazing.

[laughs] We're gonna be rich!

I'm gonna buy you so many parents that'll love you.

30 seconds of dead air,

then a kid walks in and says, "Not bad."

[laughs] Genius!

- So I'm the new Lil' Betsy? - Oh, God, no.

We just want the concept.

- Demand points on the back end. - Could I have a single pie?

[rock guitar music playing]

Does this have peanuts?

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