Original subtitles

[cat meowing] [soft instrumental music]

[cat meowing] [soft instrumental music]

[cat meowing] [soft instrumental music]

- And then I dreamt

- And then I dreamt

that I was sitting on the toilet and I started peeing.

And then when I woke up.

- You had wet the bed?

- You had wet the bed?

- No, when I woke up, I was sitting on the toilet.

- And what do you think it means?

- And what do you think it means?

- I think it means that I needed to go pee.

- So you don't think dreams mean anything then?

- So you don't think dreams mean anything then?

- Sometimes.

- Why's that?

- Why's that?

- Last night, I had a sex dream about Rose.

- Really?

- Yeah, it was incredibly erotic.

- Yeah, it was incredibly erotic.

So I'm in my office

I'm recolor coding the budget spreadsheet,

I'm recolor coding the budget spreadsheet,

and then suddenly out of nowhere

she's standing right behind.

she's standing right behind.

She's wearing this really smart black pants

suit really sexy stuff.

suit really sexy stuff.

- Like exactly what you're wearing right now?

- Like exactly what you're wearing right now?

- Yeah.

And then she leans over my shoulder and she says,

"Hey, Pauline, looks like you're below the line

"Hey, Pauline, looks like you're below the line

budgets all nicely balancing."

budgets all nicely balancing."

- Is that like an innuendo?

- No, and then she put her hand on my hand

- No, and then she put her hand on my hand

and we pressed save together.

and we pressed save together.

And then we made aggressive love

and finalized next week's casting schedule.

and finalized next week's casting schedule.

- Nice.

- What does that all mean?

- No. [bangs table]

- No. [bangs table]

- Relax, Pauline, come on dreams don't mean anything.

I have sex dreams all the time.

I have sex dreams all the time.

- Do you?

- Yes, I had a dream the other night

where I took an extra from set home to my hotel room

where I took an extra from set home to my hotel room

and he was all like, "Are we gonna talk about the movie?"

And I was like, "Do you want the role or not?"

And I was like, "Do you want the role or not?"

- Hey guys.

- Hey, Rose.

- Hey, Rose.

- Hey Rose, do you think dreams mean anything?

- Oh hell yes.

- Oh hell yes.

Oh, okay So, I had this dream the other night,

that I was my own bath towel,

that I was my own bath towel,

and if I was gonna put myself in the wash,

it meant that I would die.

it meant that I would die.

And then, get this,

the next morning I woke up and it was raining.

the next morning I woke up and it was raining.

- Huh!

- buzzy.

See you on set.

[bell ringing]

- Holy sh-t, that was hot.

- Holy sh-t, that was hot.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[gun cocking]

[gun cocking]

[footsteps clacking] [girl squirming]

[tense upbeat music]

[tense upbeat music]

- Well, well, well we meet again

- Well, well, well we meet again

though this time I have the upper hand,

though this time I have the upper hand,

we've taken your whole family hostage

we've taken your whole family hostage

and at midnight tonight, we slaughter them all.

and at midnight tonight, we slaughter them all.

Unless,

you can answer this trigonometry question.

You will have 30 minutes,

You will have 30 minutes,

no calculators, no peeking at other people.

no calculators, no peeking at other people.

Good luck.

Good luck.

[man laughing]

- Oh thank God, I learned that in fourth form.

- Oh thank God, I learned that in fourth form.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- God I hate peeing in public.

- God I hate peeing in public.

What if someone hears?

- Just make a noise, cough or something.

- Just make a noise, cough or something.

- Okay.

[door thuds]

[door thuds]

[mumbles]

That burns.

[farting sound effects]

[farting sound effects]

you're right, I felt so much more comfortable in there.

you're right, I felt so much more comfortable in there.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- I have to say we have not had any candidates apply

who are quite so impressive.

who are quite so impressive.

- Thank you, I really appreciate that.

And I genuinely think I could bring a lot

And I genuinely think I could bring a lot

to this organization.

- Great, in terms of us moving forward with the decision,

- Great, in terms of us moving forward with the decision,

we just have to run through a routine personality test.

Is that okay?

Is that okay?

- No, Perfect, great, yeah

- Great let's start off nice and easy.

Picture your dream car,

Picture your dream car,

are you thinking of like a two-seater convertible

are you thinking of like a two-seater convertible

or like a people mover with lots of room for car seats?

or like a people mover with lots of room for car seats?

- Well, I've always wanted a Porsche, dream of mine,

but I gotta say I do love my little station wagon.

but I gotta say I do love my little station wagon.

- And is it five seats or?

- And is it five seats or?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'm just not quite sure what you're after here.

- Oh, no, that was fine.

Anything that just comes to your head?

Anything that just comes to your head?

- Oh.

- Let's move on.

What do you think of this?

What do you think of this?

- So I'm not sure if I understand.

- So I'm not sure if I understand.

- Oh that's fine.

Just take your time and answer it instinctively

Just take your time and answer it instinctively

like how does this make you feel?

Are you feeling like, oh yuck or oh yes please.

Are you feeling like, oh yuck or oh yes please.

Are you feeling like, oh yuck or oh yes please.

- Right okay, well it's a very cute baby.

- Yeah, okay great, cute.

- Yeah, okay great, cute.

- Sorry I just, I'm struggling with how

- Sorry I just, I'm struggling with how

the questions are relevant to the.

- Don't worry about it.

Okay, in terms of communication now,

Okay, in terms of communication now,

would you describe yourself as a clear communicator

would you describe yourself as a clear communicator

or someone who avoids conflict?

or someone who avoids conflict?

Or someone who would definitely tell us if

they were planning on starting a family?

they were planning on starting a family?

- Sorry, again, it just sounds like you're trying

- Sorry, again, it just sounds like you're trying

to figure out whether or not I want to have a baby.

to figure out whether or not I want to have a baby.

- No, oh my gosh,

no I would never ask you that.

no I would never ask you that.

You know, legally we're not allowed to do that.

- Good great, cause I didn't want to,

- Good great, cause I didn't want to,

sorry I brought it up, I just.

- No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no, no.

Yeah, no, look, everything's great,

you're great, I'm convinced.

you're great, I'm convinced.

I'm going to go ahead and draw up those contracts.

- That is fantastic, thank you so much, thank you

- That is fantastic, thank you so much, thank you

- In fact, I'm going to call one of your references

- In fact, I'm going to call one of your references

right now to just get everything signed off.

- Fantastic, go ahead.

- Oh it's ringing, Sally hi,

- Oh it's ringing, Sally hi,

it's Peter Lotner here.

I'm just calling on behalf of Harriet Bridgman

I'm just calling on behalf of Harriet Bridgman

she's put you down as a reference for her.

she's put you down as a reference for her.

That's right.

So do you think she's planning

So do you think she's planning

on having a baby anytime soon?

Oh, can't conceive.

Oh, can't conceive.

No, that is terrible.

No, that is terrible.

Okay, yeah, tata,

welcome aboard.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Hey, how's the whole sex dream about Rose going?

- Post morning snack nap happened again,

- Post morning snack nap happened again,

We made love in warehouse Stationary

We made love in warehouse Stationary

- Gross

- Guys, you have to help me out.

I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out.

- Have you been doing those magic eye books again?

Because Pauline you were supposed to ban them from set.

- No, it's the next sketch that I'm in,

- No, it's the next sketch that I'm in,

where I have to do the kissing.

- Oh okay, tell us a bit more about that kissing.

- Oh okay, tell us a bit more about that kissing.

- I know it's a professional situation,

- I know it's a professional situation,

but I am worried that this actor

is going to form some type of attachment to me.

is going to form some type of attachment to me.

- To you?

- Yes to me, every person I've ever kissed I've then gone

- Yes to me, every person I've ever kissed I've then gone

on to have a relationship with them,

on to have a relationship with them,

a hundred percent of the time.

- Oh my God.

- I mean what if he gets a boner?

- I mean what if he gets a boner?

then I have to have sex with him later,

because it's rude to leave a boner unfulfilled,

that's what my mom told me.

that's what my mom told me.

- That is not a thing.

- Oh my gosh.

- What if I get married, Oh my God,

- What if I get married, Oh my God,

what if we had a kid, a girl?

We'll call her Aloysius,

- Oh that's nice.

- Do not to call your kid Aloysius okay.

- Do not to call your kid Aloysius okay.

But I'm calling it, no.

- And then we ended up holidaying,

at his father's beach house of course.

And that's where I meet his brother

And that's where I meet his brother

and it's hard to deny that we've got this attraction

and it's hard to deny that we've got this attraction

and two years later we can't ignore it.

Obviously, he's the one that makes the first move.

Obviously, he's the one that makes the first move.

- Oh, this is tough.

- And then eventually he catches his brother

and I in the apple orchard.

and I in the apple orchard.

But it's fine, because he's the one who wanted

the infidelity clause struck from the prenup,

the infidelity clause struck from the prenup,

- Look Rose, bet you're going to be fine.

- Look Rose, bet you're going to be fine.

- Okay, Laura, you only know me as work Rose

I am a very different person in a sexual context.

I am a very different person in a sexual context.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- I doubt that.

- I doubt that.

- I guess I'm just going to have to dial down like

- I guess I'm just going to have to dial down like

natural charisma and. - Impossible

- Good looks, to maybe offset

- Good looks, to maybe offset

this attraction, that's going to happen.

- Just do what you normally do, you'll be fine.

- Just do what you normally do, you'll be fine.

- Okay.

Wish me luck.

Wish me luck.

- You won't need it.

- Oh,

- good luck.

- good luck.

- God, She is so super hot.

- God, She is so super hot.

[Bell ringing]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- What do you do when you get a dick pic?

- Oh I usually wait until I've been sent,

- Oh I usually wait until I've been sent,

like a hundred of them

and then I have a power ball Saturday,

and then I have a power ball Saturday,

and just pick one and enjoy that.

- Right.

- Right.

- What do you do?

- Well, I usually just send back a compliment,

- Well, I usually just send back a compliment,

like, oh, that looks healthy.

Everything's looking good.

Everything's looking good.

A, okay.

- No, they are not asking you for a diagnosis.

- No, they are not asking you for a diagnosis.

- Just seems like a really weird move.

like to send a dick pic,

like to send a dick pic,

like, I would never reply with a tit pic.

- Wouldn't you?

- Maybe, maybe if I was like sending a photo

- Maybe, maybe if I was like sending a photo

of what I have for dinner that night

and I was like holding it up here

and I was like holding it up here

and then I accidentally got like a bit of the tit

and then I accidentally got like a bit of the tit

in the background or something.

- Okay Yeah, but that's not a sexy look,

tit pics are good to have stored up on your phone,

tit pics are good to have stored up on your phone,

because in the middle of a jam

because in the middle of a jam

you want to have one ready to go.

- I'm not storing a tit pics for a rainy day.

- I'm not storing a tit pics for a rainy day.

- You're just going to take one then and there on the spot,

- You're just going to take one then and there on the spot,

on the bus ride, on your way to work.

- Yeah

- Yeah

- Well let's just do one right now.

- Nope, I'm not doing, I'm not doing,

no stop.

- No one is watching, it's fine.

- No one is watching, it's fine.

- No, come on, I'm not doing a tit pic

- Okay.

- Okay.

[bell ringing]

- Just me then, just me.

- What, what are you doing?

- What, what are you doing?

- Tit pics?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Okay, We're going to wrap this up I need you on set.

Unless you want to take one Rose?

Unless you want to take one Rose?

- No, oh.

- Okay, I just think they're always good to have

in case of emergency.

in case of emergency.

- Told you.

- Oh nice.

- Oh nice.

- Actually can you take a different angle?

- Oh, sure.

Okay, Smile.

Okay, Smile.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Have fun at the stake do, honey,

- Don't worry, I'll behave.

- Don't worry, I'll behave.

- You better.

- You better.

- [Speaker] Are you tired of worrying about b-tches,

- [Speaker] Are you tired of worrying about b-tches,

hitting on your man?

Do you toss and turn thinking he's in another b-tch's bed?

Do you toss and turn thinking he's in another b-tch's bed?

Well suppress those insecurities,

Well suppress those insecurities,

because now there's Scare B-tch.

because now there's Scare B-tch.

Scare B-tch, is the revolutionary new scarecrow,

that scares b-tches away from your man.

that scares b-tches away from your man.

- Honey, don't forget your Scare B-tch.

- Honey, don't forget your Scare B-tch.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- With Scare B-tch, you no longer have to worry

about b-tches at the strip club.

about b-tches at the strip club.

- Jesus Christ

- What's the matter?

- What's the matter?

- [Speaker] B-tches by the pool.

- [Speaker] B-tches by the pool.

[screaming]

[screaming]

- [Speaker] Or even b-tches at the supermarket.

[screaming]

[screaming]

- [Speaker] Now you can sleep easy,

- [Speaker] Now you can sleep easy,

knowing no b-tch is touching your man.

- Thanks to Scare B-tch.

Me and my partner are So happy.

Me and my partner are So happy.

- [Speaker] Scare B-tch, keep those b-tches hands,

of your man, because he's your man.

of your man, because he's your man.

- Liv, I want this out of my house.

- Liv, I want this out of my house.

Why don't you trust me to go out and not cheat on you?

Why don't you trust me to go out and not cheat on you?

I mean, that's kind of messed up, don't you think.

I mean, that's kind of messed up, don't you think.

who smiling at?

- [Speaker] Get your Scare B-tch now.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Dad, I know Jenny is your wife now,

- Dad, I know Jenny is your wife now,

but I think she's evil.

but I think she's evil.

- No come on now sweetheart, give her a chance.

You know, it's hard enough being a new stepmother without

You know, it's hard enough being a new stepmother without

all these silly stereotypes.

all these silly stereotypes.

She's put a lot of effort into that dinner tonight.

So you should too.

So you should too.

I promise you, she's not evil.

[lady laughing]

[lady laughing]

Smells good honey.

What are we Having?

- Something young and fresh.

- Something young and fresh.

No, but seriously Kelly.

No, but seriously Kelly.

I know I'm never going to replace your mother,

I know I'm never going to replace your mother,

but I do hope we can become friends.

- See.

[upbeat music]

- Okay, we'll see you at 2:00 PM.

- Okay, we'll see you at 2:00 PM.

Thanks.

- Hi there.

- Hi there, how can I help you?

- I just like to do a return.

- I just like to do a return.

- Ma'am this is your baby.

- Ma'am this is your baby.

- Yeah, well I got it a little while ago

and at the time I liked it,

but then I took it home

but then I took it home

and it didn't really go with any of my other stuff so.

- Ma'am you can't return your baby.

- Right, okay.

- Right, okay.

I'd like to actually have a little look round and,

- Ma'am, Ma'am.

seriously, another one, in you go.

seriously, another one, in you go.

[upbeat music]

- No matter what he's doing.

- No matter what he's doing.

Now you can sleep easy, knowing your man is taken care of.

Now you can sleep easy, knowing your man is taken care of.

Because his your man and no one else's.

[soft instrumental music]

[soft instrumental music]

- Liv, what are you doing here?

- Liv, what are you doing here?

- Can we talk?

- Yes, yeah sure, sure

- Yes, yeah sure, sure

- I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for everything.

I had a lot of my own issues,

that I was working through

that I was working through

and I took them out on you

and that wasn't fair of me.

and that wasn't fair of me.

- Yeah, no worries it's all good.

- I've been going to counseling

- I've been going to counseling

and working through my issues.

and working through my issues.

- Right yeah,

- And I think we should give it another shot,

- And I think we should give it another shot,

because we're good together, you and I,

because we're good together, you and I,

we just make sense

we just make sense

and I can't stand another night.

What are you looking at?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

- Oh my God Tim, do you have another woman back there?

- No, no I don't

- No, no I don't

- Oh, let me see her then,

Let me see the slut banging my boyfriend.

Let me see the slut banging my boyfriend.

You've been seeing the Scare B-tch behind my back,

You've been seeing the Scare B-tch behind my back,

this whole time.

And you, I bought you here to help me.

And you, I bought you here to help me.

I didn't know, you'd turn into such hoe

I didn't know, you'd turn into such hoe

- Hey, hey, hey, love, love don't okay.

- Hey, hey, hey, love, love don't okay.

Stop it, it's not like that,

We're in love, we're not just screwing around.

We're in love, we're not just screwing around.

I love her, we are in love

I love her, we are in love

[lady crying]

[lady crying]

- Oh my God.

Your grandmother's ring.

You proposed to her?

You proposed to her?

- I was going to tell you.

- You proposed to her, I can't believe this,

- You proposed to her, I can't believe this,

no I'm out, I hope you both rot in hell.

- I'm so sorry, you had to see that.

- I'm so sorry, you had to see that.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Hey did you take those bins out?

- Hey did you take those bins out?

- Yes

- Thank you, you're a good man.

- Did you feed the cat?

- Yes I did.

- Yes I did.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- You're a good little defacto.

- You're a good little defacto.

- You know I like it when you call me defacto.

- Do you?

- Do you?

Defacto

- Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah.

- How those retainers feeling?

- Actually feels a little tight tonight?

- Does it?

- Does it?

- Yeah, my gums really hurt, but I'll just leave it in.

- You'll going to leave it in for me are you?

- You'll going to leave it in for me are you?

- Yeah I am.

- Tell me something dirty.

Something naughty

- I have accumulated quite a lot of debt

- I have accumulated quite a lot of debt

- Yeah.

- That so bad

- That so bad

- Yeah I've got crippling debt.

- Oh that's terrible.

- I know

- That's so bad.

- That's so bad.

You want some help with that.

You want me to pay it off?

- Yeah.

You're going to have to,

You're going to have to,

if we want to get a mortgage.

- Yeah.

I want a mortgage with you.

- I want to get a low do upper,

- yeah

- yeah

- Let's combine Kiwi savers.

- Mine Is tiny

- Mine Is tiny

- Mine is massive.

- I cleaned the house for you.

Cause I know it helps with your mental clarity.

Cause I know it helps with your mental clarity.

- I only buy Eco store products

Cause I know your skin reacts to synthetic fragrances.

Cause I know your skin reacts to synthetic fragrances.

- It's so itchy.

- Stop scratching.

- Stop scratching.

- Take your top off.

- Oh yeah you want to see my boobs.

- No Your T-shirts stinks.

- No Your T-shirts stinks.

- Yeah cause I'm a dirty girl

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah

- Yeah

- When was the last time you cleaned that?

- Years ago.

- Years ago.

- Whoa, that's filthy.

I just want to spank you,

I just want to spank you,

but I know I can't because we've talked about this

and you don't like it

and you don't like it

and we've got great communications skills,

- It's one of our strongest skills.

- Yeah

- Yeah

I like to keep it vanilla.

- French vanilla.

- Bonjour.

- Bonjour.

- Guess what?

- What?

- I called your mum today?

- What'd she have to say for herself?

- What'd she have to say for herself?

- Nothing.

We just talk because we've got our own relationship.

- Your brother's kids call me auntie, but we're not married.

- Your brother's kids call me auntie, but we're not married.

- Oh, can you pay me $44.60 for the groceries,

- Oh, can you pay me $44.60 for the groceries,

sorry I just remembered - Yeah of course

- Nope.

- Nope.

It's just it's right here.

And if I don't say now we'll forget.

- No sorry about it, actually everybody made the lunches.

- No sorry about it, actually everybody made the lunches.

So they're on the bench.

- Have you?

- Yeah, they're in little plastic containers.

- Stop that's so hot.

- Stop that's so hot.

It's going to help so much in the mornings.

It's going to help so much in the mornings.

- So you're going to fly out the door.

- Tell me something I don't know about you

- Celine Dion always makes me cry.

- Celine Dion always makes me cry.

- Let's make respectful unprotected love till 9:00 PM.

- Let's make respectful unprotected love till 9:00 PM.

- Yeah We can because I just got my IUD replaced.

- Yeah We can because I just got my IUD replaced.

- Tell me how you like it.

- Tell me how you like it.

- missionary

take your pants off.

- Yep.

- Are you ready?

- Yep.

- Yep.

- 1, 2, 3.

[ upbeat music]

[ phone ringing]

- Whenever mom calls,

I think it's an emergency and grandma's dead.

I think it's an emergency and grandma's dead.

- [indistinct]

- Hello?

- Hello?

Wow, I knew it grandma's dead.

No I know I heard you .

[ upbeat music]

[ upbeat music]

[ upbeat music]

[screaming]

[screaming]

- I think I'm gay.

- Oh Cool, when did you find this out?

- Oh Cool, when did you find this out?

- Just now, I did that big kissing scene,

- Just now, I did that big kissing scene,

with that very young, attractive man

and I felt nothing, I felt nothing.

and I felt nothing, I felt nothing.

- No, I think that's just because you're attracted

to ugly old men.

to ugly old men.

- and what's more telling is that he didn't feel anything.

- and what's more telling is that he didn't feel anything.

He didn't even fall in love with me.

Just a little bit, nothing.

- Do you think maybe that's because he was a paid actor

- Do you think maybe that's because he was a paid actor

to be in the scene with you

and he was just doing his job.

and he was just doing his job.

- Details Okay.

Yeah he's paid actor who had a girlfriend.

Yeah he's paid actor who had a girlfriend.

- I know you, you're not gay.

- I know you, you're not gay.

- Laura, okay I've been to a roller darby.

- Laura, okay I've been to a roller darby.

I go for long walks and the Waitakeres and I love it.

I go for long walks and the Waitakeres and I love it.

I dyed my hair blue last summer.

I dyed my hair blue last summer.

- Okay, all right you're gay.

You know what?

You know what?

You should get started straight away,

Pauline had a sex dream about you the other night.

- Oh, isn't that convenient?

- Oh, isn't that convenient?

Pauline has a sex dream about mwa.

Pauline has a sex dream about mwa.

The very week that I come out, it's a sign.

The very week that I come out, it's a sign.

The very week that I come out, it's a sign.

- You're not gay, come on.

- I'm gay, I'm a hundred percent gay.

- You're not gay.

- You're not gay.

- I'm so gay.

- You wouldn't even go there with any. . .

- You wouldn't even go there with any. . .

- Oh, this is happening.

This is real.

This is real.

- Wow.

No, that was actually, it was kind of hot.

No, that was actually, it was kind of hot.

- I felt nothing.

I felt nothing

I felt nothing

- Rose I would really like to be honest with you.

- Don't need, it's fine.

- I had a sex.

I know.

I know.

- Sex, sex

- I'm so sorry about that, that's fine.

- Sex.

- Sex.

- I'm glad we cleared that up.

Maybe not gay with Pauline,

but just talk about sex,

but just talk about sex,

the spectrum, isn't it.

It's the spectrum.

- Okay.

- Sorry.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- You, might be gay.

[upbeat music]

[END CREDITS]

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