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Original subtitles

[whimsical music]

[knocking on the laptop]

- You wanted to see me?

- Oh, hey, great, great, great.

Oh, I've been having a mare of a day.

My laptop has just stopped working.

- It's just out of battery.

- What do you mean?

[laptop turning on]

Oh my God!

Oh my God, it has just come back to life.

Rose, you are a bloody genius.

- I'm honestly not.

That's just how laptops work.

- Yeah, I'm not really into the, kind of,

scientific part of it.

But, hey, I've got some good news for you.

We are getting some great feedback on the sexy billboard.

- Fun Girls? - [Beep] yeah!

[whistling]

- Yeah. Okay, about that.

You know, it's called 'Funny Girls', right?

- Is it?

Funny girls.

Oh shit!

- Do you seriously have a post-it note reminding you

what the show is called?

- Hey, but there is a lot of hate around that billboard.

We have had car crashes.

We had a guy have a heart attack underneath it yesterday.

I mean, apparently he had very high cholesterol,

but I am blaming it on that billboard.

- None of those things sound good, Pauline.

- My point is sex sells,

and I wanna see some more sex in the show.

I wanna see some more stuff like this.

[couple moaning]

- That's hardcore pornography, Pauline.

You can't watch that here.

Jesus!

- It's not that hardcore.

God, not compared to this.

- No.

Okay.

Message received.

Sex it up. Great!

We'll rewrite some stuff. It'll be fine.

Thank you for another great meeting.

- Great.

Hey Rose, just before you go,

just about that battery thing of me thing,

does that mean that these might still work as well?

[Funny Girls Theme Song playing ]

♪ Funny girls ♪

- [Narrator] What happens when you take one house

and drop-in four legendary lads,

- This place is tight.

- This house is [Beeping] slamming.

I'm gonna have sex in this bedroom.

Yeah, alright, alright.

- This is gonna be [Beeping] awesome.

- Got my flat pig. Got my dragon shirt.

I'm ready to slam some babes, bro.

- Bros, it's time to meet the sisters.

- Oh yeah, bro.

- [Narrator] Then bring in four banging babes.

[techno music]

- I'm gonna [Beep] so many [Beep].

- [Narrator] You get a show premise so perfect,

you'll be surprised, it didn't already exist.

- And the best part, there's absolutely no catch.

- [Narrator] But there's a catch.

- Oh, yeah.

- Kendall?

- Declan?

- Bro, all the sisters are our actual sisters.

- Ashleigh? - Locky?

- Abby? - Jordan?

- Connie? - Ronnie?

- [Narrator] Big brother's getting a visit

from his little sister.

It's a recipe for the sistaster.

- Sister house!

- Welcome to 'Sister House'.

[upbeat music]

- Did you get laid last night, bro?

- You know it, brother!

- Nice.

Why did I say 'nice'?

I knew that it was a one in four chance

that it was with my sister.

- If it helps, we used protection.

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to have sex with someone's sister

whilst not letting anyone else have sex with my sister.

- Yeah.

Locky will say things like, "oh my gosh", like,

"are your boobs real?" or like, things like that,

then I'm like, "oh my gosh, Locky stop it",

but I really like it.

- Locky, get the [Beep] away from my sister.

- Bro, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- I wanna [Beep] her but then like, Declan's my bro

in that house.

So. he's like my brother,

[bros punching each other]

[screaming]

and I can't [Beep] my brother's sister,

'cause then that's like [Beeping] my sister.

- Get off her. Get off her.

- It's just so [Beeping] confusing.

[upbeat music]

- So, heard it's your birthday this weekend?

We're partying party? Party, party, party!

I was thinking of just having like a small get together

with like, some close friends,

maybe at Cheese Platter.

- I see.

- Are you having a party, Carol?

- Yeah, just for like close friends.

- I am so there. Catch you in the flip.

- She's gonna invite Linda.

- She said, catch you in the flip.

- Hey man, I hear you're having a party this weekend.

If it doesn't totally blow then I might be there.

- I'm sorry. Who are you?

And why would I invite you to my party

after you were just really mean to me.

[laughter]

- For social status? You're such a loser. Love you.

- Oh my God!

- Who was that?

- Carol, I think your party is turning

into a nineties teen movie party.

- Wait. What?

- Okay, so what happens is like an uptight nerd,

like herself, no offense, is having a party,

but then it completely blows up.

- But I don't want a big party.

- Yeah, but that's exactly what an uptight nerd would say

in a nineties teen movie.

Right?

I also bet that you don't want me to take these flyers

and throw them down the office stairwell.

[upbeat music]

- All right, keg delivery for Carol Stevenson.

Oh, hey. You're 21, young lady?

- Okay, first of al the drinking age here is 18 and I'm 27.

And no, I did not order any kegs, so I'm not having a party.

- Oh my God!

It's Brad, the captain of the office football team?

- Since when did our office have a football team?

- I don't know.

- Hey Carol!

[soft upbeat music]

Whoa! You look actually really beautiful without glasses.

[Carol chuckles]

I'll see you tonight.

- See you tonight.

[upbeat music]

- This is gonna be awesome.

[upbeat music]

- Whoa! Whoa!

How did you do that? Where'd all these people come from?

- I don't know.

But guess who's here.

Maybe tonight's the night

you'll finally lose your V plates,

- Wait, no. No.

I have a boyfriend and we'll have sex at some point.

[phone ringing]

Hello!

- Hello, Carol?

- Dad!

- Just ringing to say we're coming home early.

- I thought you were away all weekend?

- What's the loud music I can hear?

- You better not be having a nineties party, young lady.

You know my house is full of expensive vases.

- Hold up a second, you don't even live here.

This is my flat.

All right, that's it.

All right, listen up. Party's over.

That means everybody needs to scram.

Stoners, jocks, mean girls, deans dressed as students,

OUT!

- Loser!

[police siren blaring]

- It's the cops. Scatter!

[ rock music]

Carol, come on. The party's over.

- For everyone else, it is.

For me, it's just getting started.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, you!

- Spending the night in?

Feeling a little hungry for some hot action?

Well, pick up the phone and call the food hotline,

the only hotline dedicated to describing food.

- And what are you gonna do next?

- I'm gonna slide it in the oven on a tray.

- How hot?

- 180 degrees on fan bake.

Now, to get started on the mascarpone sorbet.

- Our team of culinary conversationalists

are always cooking

and they wanna tell you about it.

- I've pricked them and they both look good to go

whether you're 7 day juice cleanse, detox, crash dieting.

- Tell me what it tastes like, god damned!

- Or binge-eating post breakup chips

and wishing there was something else.

Everyone loves hearing about food.

- And have you made a sauce to go with that?

- Hollandaise.

- Oh God! Yes.

- Babe, can we have sex now?

- Fuck off!

Oh, no. Sorry, not you. Keep going.

- Food hotline, for real food lovers.

♪ Funny girls ♪

[soft upbeat music]

- Oh, it's good to see your stubbles holding up well.

- No, I'm not wearing any.

- Oh, okay.

Well, I'll just straighten what's already there.

- What's up, baby girl?

- So, do you think this is what Pauline had in mind

when she told you to sex it up?

- I don't know.

I think it's sexy,

and I think it's actually comfortable as well.

Like look how much room is in these short,

for my massive D.

Feels good. Feels powerful.

Feel it, do it.

Not mine, yours. Your own one.

- Squishy!

- I know, right?

- Yeah.

- You know, I actually sometimes get jealous

that men have dicks, you know.

- Yeah, same.

You know, like, if I had a boner,

it would be better than normal ones.

Like it would have like a cool led light on the end of it.

- I had the same thought, but with like, sound effects.

Like, I'd have Halloween spooky sound effects on mine.

Like, as it rose, it would have the sound of like,

a creaky door.

And like, when I climaxed,

I'd like play like a ghost, kind of wooing, like

[wooing]

- Yeah, I mean, if I had a boner,

like, it would be a real multimedia experience.

- Totally, I just wonder what they feel like, sometimes.

- Me too.

- I sort of like, one of those water snake balloons

that you get from a $2 shop,

you know, that keeps slipping through your hands.

- That is a great description.

I meant though, what does it feel like to have a boner?

Like, we'll never know and that kind of makes me a bit sad.

- Hey, what does it feel like to get a boner?

- It's like a cold thumb getting hot.

[air blowing]

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Previously on 'Sister House'.

- This is gonna be [Beeping] awesome.

- Bro, all the sisters are our actual sisters.

- Right hand, blue.

- You get off my sister.

- Everyone's like, "Kendall, you're such a slut",

but I'm not, I just do slutty things.

That doesn't make you a slut. You know what I mean?

[Kendall crying]

[people fighting]

- This is a [Beep'd] up show, man.

[upbeat music]

- Sister house.

- So, I have this kind of, plan that tonight I'm going

to do like, a degustation but with all the guys.

So, I'm just gonna like, try them all.

- Kendall? - Declan?

I did not go into Declan's room

thinking it was another boy's room.

That's just disgusting. I would never do that.

- Who did you think I was?

Everyone stay the [Beep] away from my sister.

My sister's kinda hot. It is confusing.

[upbeat music]

- We should've got a longer pole.

- Just tilt it at an angle.

- Hey! Do you want some help?

- Yeah, that'd be amazing.

- Thanks.

[stick hitting the ground]

- You're welcome.

[upbeat music]

- Hey.

- Hey!

- What have you got there for lunch?

- It's actually a homemade tuna and feta salad.

I'm trying not to eat bread at the moment,

'cause I watched this documentary last night

on how bread is actually poisonous or something bad.

- Oh yeah. I heard that documentary is chilling.

- Yeah, well I' mean, I only watched the first half of it,

but it was chilling.

What have you got?

- I'm glad you asked.

I've just got some unsweetened yogurt

and some plain rice crackers.

I'm actually not eating sugar at the moment

because last week I saw the first 15 minutes

of this documentary about how sugar is really bad for you.

And big sugar is secretly giving us all brain cancer.

- Brain cancer?

- Yeah, yeah, I watched like the first five minutes

of that last year and I haven't eaten sugar since.

It was chilling.

- So chilling.

What have you got?

- Oh, okay.

So, last night, watched 30 seconds of this trailer

with the sound off,

this documentary on how eating dairy is worse

than smoking meth.

Yeah, big dairy is giving us all diabetes,

eczema, brain cancer or something bad.

So, I'm just drinking water and snacking on soft nuts.

- Oh my God. That is so chilling.

- Chilling.

- Well, the other day I was driving to work

and I saw someone on their phone

and I caught a split second glimpse

of them tweeting about this Kickstarter for a documentary,

which basically says that drinking tap water is worse

than drinking gasoline.

And drinking tap water actually dissolves your insides

and makes it into organ soup

and soon we're all just gonna be filled with organ soup

and brain cancer or something bad like that.

So, I'm just sucking on this moss covered river rock.

- Oh my God! That is so chilling.

- I had to put a sweater

'cause I was like, physically chilled.

- Chilling.

- That is chilling.

- Hey, have you got any more of those rocks?

- Yeah.

- Thanks so much.

- Here's to not having cancer.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

♪ Funny girls ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Funny girls ♪

- Genie, we just wanna say how grateful we are

for what you're about to do for us.

- I'm gonna stop you right there.

It's not what I'm doing for you,

it's what we're doing together.

All three of us, we're all in this together. Right?

- Genie, you just don't know how much this means for us.

I mean, we've always wanted a child and...

- And are you kidding me, I am ready to be on my ass,

for what, nine months straight, starting tomorrow.

- That is so great to hear.

- So, which one of you is gonna?

- Oh no, we haven't decided who the father is gonna be.

It's just too hard.

- Yeah, it's like, do you want like book smart

or like street smart?

- Yeah, or do you want good at having fun

or do you want some good at organizing fun?

- Sure, or do you want to like sporty or like supporty?

- Yeah, so we just thought we'd mix it up

and see what happens.

- Oh, so it's sort of like a ménage à trois situation.

Yeah. I like it, I dig it. Never done it but I'm into it.

- No, we're not gonna have sex.

- Well, that's okay. I'm actually more into Jake anyway.

- No, no, no. We don't need to have sex.

I mean, we just, sort of mix our business in a wee..

- Like a Petri dish.

- Yeah, Petri dish.

- And they get like a syringe and then kind of like this,

kind of like,

- Like, icing a cake.

[chuckle]

- Are you [Beeping] kidding me?

I only agreed to do this to end a six month dry spell.

I did this for you.

Yeah. Yeah.

I went to these lengths.

You know, how much this cost me?

Up to $20, all right.

Made this!

Now, I just look like an idiot

- Don't worry, Genie.

Maybe it could be, sort of, like a Halloween costume or..

- Maybe we should try this.

I mean, Genie's making a huge sacrifice for us.

It would just be one night.

Let's try it.

- Let's do it.

- [Beep] yeah, let's do it.

[upbeat drum rolls]

[soft romantic music]

- Oh, my gosh!

[ alarm beeps]

Oh, I forgot to take my pill.

Better safe than sorry.

- [Director] Cut it.

[ buzzer ringing]

[clapping]

- God, so awkward.

Something like a proper sex scene.

I'm not even a proper actor

You guys are like, trained actors. You're used to it.

- Oh, I had actually no sex at drama school.

Don't worry.

- But you know what I mean? Was I sexy enough?

I'm worried I'm not gonna be sexy.

- You're fine, Rose. You're very sexy lady.

- Very sexy.

- Why am I even asking you guys. It's so weird.

- Wait, what do you mean?

- Yeah. What's that?

- I mean, you guys are both gay, right?

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I mean, God.

Yeah, homosexuality, heterosexuality,

it's all one big thing, it's all one big spectrum.

And I know that maybe you fall,

I thought you fell on one side of it more than the other,

but obviously I'm wrong.

I may be the first to admit I have gay thoughts.

Whatever!

I mean, I haven't acted on them yet.

Maybe I will one day, build up the confidence.

What I'm saying is that you guys, you're on the spectrum

but I didn't know where you stood

and obviously you guys aren't part of that world

and that's fine, hashtag love wins.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No, kidding. We're totally gay.

[laughter]

- Oh my God!

- What are you laughing at?

- Nothing. Nothing.

I don't know the rules.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Previously on 'Sister House'.

- There's no way she's getting pregnant.

We used four condoms on top of each other.

- It's only been one night in the house

and things already mad confusing.

- Connie? - Ronnie?

- Kendall? - Declan?

[upbeat music]

- Sister house.

- Okay so, let's just get this straight.

My name is Declan and my sister is Kendall.

She is my sister. No one touches my sister, all right.

Kendall is my sister, but I don't want to have sex with her.

' cause that's bad.

But what if, for instance, I want to bang Ashleigh,

but I still wanna slam Ashleigh real bad.

- No one is to hook up with Ashleigh

because she is my sister.

So, I'm gonna do that, but not tell Locky. Got it.

- But what if Abby..

- Chill out, fellas, 'cause I just banged this mad hot chick

who, I can assure you, is none of our sisters.

[bros cheering]

- Hi, loves!

- Mom?

- He [Beep'd] your mom.

- A bro doesn't [Beep] their bro's mom.

[bros cheering]

Does this make him my dad now?.

- If I was her age and still sleeping with guys

who is so young, like I think, that's feminism, right?

[Declan crying]

- Like, this show is causing me some serious emotional harm.

[upbeat music]

[laughter]

- Anyway.

Okay, so we've got some viewer feedback

on the sex scene and it's not all bad.

Oh, sorry. No, it is all bad.

The men didn't find it sexy saying,

we'd prefer more ladies kissing and less men kissing.

No offense, Eli and Chris.

- None taken.

- Yeah, I mean, I happen

to find men kissing extremely arousing,

but other women don't.

I think, it's, you know, women don't like to be ignored

in the bedroom.

And I think, that plays into that whole, all that gay stuff.

No offense.

- I am starting to get offended.

- How did we do in the other key demographics?

- Right.

Men, 60 to 75 , hated it.

Stay at home moms, 14 to 16, hated it.

Prisoners, 20 to 30, hated it.

And Pauline, 25 to 30ish,

well, she didn't have time to watch it,

and I am truly sorry about that.

- What about gay men?

- They felt like Rose got in the way,

which I think, is a fair comment.

They also thought that Eli and Chris could be hotter.

Look, I mean, I find you guys hot,

but gays don't.

- That doesn't actually make us feel better.

- Don't worry. Okay.

Apparently, the billboards coming down

because the heart attack guy's family are suing.

Apparently, his cholesterol was absolutely fine.

- Oh my God!

- Look, let's just concentrate on the comedy,

after all, it is a show called 'Funny Girl'.

Isn't it, Rose?

- Yep. Close enough.

- And the uncut version is going gang busters

on Pornhub.

- Uncut version? - Pornhub?

- Yeah, check out how many views it's had.

[Pornhub running on laptop]

- Oh my God!

[soft upbeat music]

- I wouldn't read the comments though, if I were you.

[soft calm music]

- [Narrator] Thanks.

This is 'Not On Air' for turning off funny girls

into funny guys.

- [Declan] Get away from my sister.

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