Original subtitles

(upbeat music plays)

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash, pretending to be classy ♪

♪ But just poor white trash

♪ The tragic but true fact is a bitter aging actresses agent ♪

♪ Just recently dropped her

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap box wine ♪

♪ Until she took a bogus class while home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

(bell dings)

♪ Who would've guess that this phony would treat? ♪

♪ The craziest of the show is elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb horse, Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

(door shuts closed)

(upbeat music plays)

- Oh, good morning Sherry.

- Good morning, black Philip.

- What?

- Wait a minute. You actually got my name right?

What's wrong?

- Nothing is wrong.

For your information,

I happen to be in a very good mood today.

- Why? Who died?

- It's time for your annual employee performance evaluation.

- Alright, you know what?

Why don't we turn the tables around and I critique you,

unless of course you're scared

about a little constructive criticism.

- As long as it's constructive.

- You suck.

(audience gasps)

- Excuse me.

- You have it so easy.

I mean, all you do is sit there,

pretend to listen to people's problems for $400 an hour.

- Yeah, and all you have to do is pretend to file paperwork

and talk on the phone for minimum wage.

(both sigh)

- [Sherry And Jackie] I wish I could switch places

with you for just one day.

(Jackie and Sherry moan)

(stars colliding)

(explosion)

What the fuck just happened? Oh my God.

I am you. This is just like that movie Freaky Friday.

Except today is Wednesday.

Oh, I have an idea.

Let's call it Wiggy Wednesday,

because essentially we only switched wigs.

I love it.

Stop.

No, really Stop.

- What kind of fresh hell is this?

- This is a nightmare.

- [Sherry And Jackie] What are we gonna do?

- While you are with my first appointment?

I will be online trying to figure out how to switch us back.

- Oh, oh surely, any last minute advice?

- Just nod a lot and fill your coffee cup

with what's in my left hand bottom drawer.

(upbeat music plays)

(keyboard keys clacking)

(Larry knocks)

- Hey, Sherry, is my mom around?

- Not now. Stupid. I'm busy.

- Is Sherry mad at me?

(Larry grunts)

- It's empty.

- Oh, sorry. It's been a rough week.

I have more in my secret stash. I'll get it.

- Oh, hey Mom.

- Mom? Oh, right,

because, alright, gloomy Gus, what do you want Bat Wing?

- Bat Wing?

But you always call me Larry when you know that I hate that.

- Fine. What do you want, Larry?

- No, no.

You just called me by my goth name

and you were actually going to listen to me.

What the fuck is going on?

- Have you seen that movie Freaky Friday?

- That mainstream piece of crap?

- You know the part where the mother

and the daughter switch places

and you think, oh, that could never happen.

Well, it did with your mom and me.

- No way. I knew you were being too nice to me.

And I think that's why I love that movie,

because I knew that it could happen

- Right. So do you maybe know how it can unhappen?

- You mean reverse the curse? - Yes.

- Oh, sure. That's easy.

First, I light the black candle.

(lighter flame flicks)

(suspenseful music plays)

And then I have you read this incantation I found.

- Okay.

(suspenseful music continues playing)

If you ever find you've switched places,

basically just wigs,

not faces with your loud bitchy boss

and you are at a loss reading this, all that erases.

(candle flame explodes)

(Jackie and Sherry gasp and cheer)

- Thank God.

- Actually, he's not the one you should be thanking.

- Huh? But I'm me again.

- Oh,

and not a moment too soon, your next appointment is here.

Now Batwing, time to run along.

Mommy's got work to do.

- Thank you. Great job.

And speaking of jobs, I'm gonna go do mine.

- And I'm gonna do mine.

- [Sherry And Jackie] That's the lesson.

Stop.

(upbeat music plays)

(keyboard clacking)

(bell dings)

- Hello, Amanda.

How are you today?

- I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

- Actually, I'm kind of going through it right now.

If you really wanna know. I mean-

- Excuse me.

I'm sorry. I'm paying for this session. So-

- What's the problem?

- Married with Children.

- Say no more. Let me guess.

You, uh, married young.

Probably the first guy you ever screwed,

your high school sweetheart. Am I right?

And next thing you know, you've got a couple of kids,

two, three kids,

stupid, ugly kids asking you questions like,

mom, why do men have nipples?

You know, that kind of crap.

And it has left you asking yourself

one very important question.

Why?

- No. - No?

- No.

Married with Children is the name of the television show

that I was on for many years.

- Wait. Oh my God. I thought I recognized you, Marcy.

- You know the show?

- Do I know the show? Oh my God.

Married With Children was the first big hit

for the then fledgling Fox Network.

- Yeah, well, that's the problem.

It was a big part of my life.

And I am debating whether or not to write a book.

- Oh, a vegan cookbook?

- No, about my life in Hollywood.

(Jackie sighs)

- Wait. Your life in Hollywood?

I mean, please don't take this the wrong way,

but let's be honest.

I mean, you're pretty much only famous for that one TV show,

unless of course you count the movie Fright Night,

which I think you should.

Because honey, that movie was fucking amazing.

My master will kill you slowly.

Oh, so slowly.

- Yeah.

- That wasn't your line, but I don't remember any of your-

- [Amanda] Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

But really, after Married with Children,

I made a conscious choice to quit acting.

- Yes. Tell people that,

- Well, I did so that I could continue

to pursue a career in directing,

which I'd started on that set.

But Married with Children, it was tough

because the set was dripping with toxic masculinity.

- Ew.

- Well, not literally, except for that one time.

- Okay. Say no more Marcy. - It's Amanda.

- Exactly. I feel like maybe you're stuck in the past,

so I just feel like maybe we need

to go back in time, if you will,

and get it all out

because you're in pain,

mm-hm,

down here and up here.

Maybe even a little like, right,

it doesn't matter where the pain is.

Now tell me, was there at least one person

on the Married with Children set

that you could confide in, somebody that you trusted?

- Yeah, it, it was my friend.

- Shh, I think I know who it was. Don't move.

I will be right back for some much needed role playing

and retroactive healing.

(clock ticking)

(upbeat music plays)

Hey, Marcy. I mean, Amanda, it's me. Peg.

- Wow, that, that's a lot to process.

- Yeah. Well, let's move it because I need to get home.

I wanna watch that episode of Roseanne

that everybody's talking about.

She kisses Mariel Hemingway on the mouth

and get this, they both have vaginas.

- As a lesbian. - Lesbian?

- Don't even get me started on that kiss.

And really, the one person I could confide in

on Married with Children was not Peg,

it was a production assistant named Carl.

- Carl?

Okay. Can just for the, can we just pretend like Carl

had big red hair with bangs and tits?

Because I am not changing again,

and I'm certainly not gonna play some dude,

that would be weird.

So I'm Carl, your p.a. friend. Talk to me.

- God, anything to get this over with.

Okay, Carl. You know, you have to admit, it was the nineties

and behind the scenes on Married with Children

there was some stuff that just, it just really wasn't okay.

- Listen, I'm Carl and I get it.

You're my best friend, Amanda.

- Oh.

- Alright. I mean, listen,

when you know better, you do better.

So why don't we just focus on the fact

that the entertainment industry

and the world as a whole is a better place,

a more respectful place than it used to be.

- You know, you're, you're kind of right.

- I am? I mean, I am.

- Hollywood has seen some improvement,

but I am still waiting to tell my story.

Someday in the future.

- And speaking of the future, on your way out,

I think that you should stop and talk

to my receptionist, Shirley,

and book yourself at least six future sessions.

So you can finally come out of the closet.

- Bitch, please. I came out in 1993.

- Oh, well work.

Well then would you at least kiss me on the mouth?

- What?

- Well, I just, you know,

I thought this show's doing pretty good.

I mean, we got a second season right?

But we could really send it over the top

and make it even more popular if we freaked people out

with a little hot girl on girl.

You know, juicy tonsil hockey.

(Jackie laughs)

- It's 2023. We could be scissoring on your desk.

The sisters are doing it for themselves,

dressed like Thelma and Louise,

and nobody would give a flying fuck.

Except Florida, Tennessee, Texas.

- Texas.

- Jesus. Alright, now I'm depressed. Thanks a lot.

- Depressed? I can help with that. Book another session.

Yeah. Deary, can you tell me what scissoring is?

Probably just means giving each other really short haircut.

Oh my God. Oh wow. Okay. Well, that's what people do.

That's what those people do.

(door slams shut)

(telephone rings)

Hello?

(telephone rings)

Oh shit.

This is Dr. Jackie.

- Hi, Dr. Jackie. It's me. It's Cecily Strong.

- Hey girl, what's up?

- Well, I'm just calling because I'm getting really sick

and tired of people just assuming they know me.

- What do you mean?

- Well, for some reason,

like everyone thinks I'm this in control,

take no prisoners thick-skinned, A-type personality.

When in reality I'm actually quite sensitive.

- Honey, have you ever stopped to think that

that's maybe on account of your name, Cecily Strong?

I mean, you walk into a room

and you're essentially announcing,

hi everyone, my name is Cecily and I'm strong.

- I don't think that's how that works.

- Cecily, please don't tell me how this works.

I mean, do I tell you how comedy works?

- To be fair, you did try that one time.

- You know what?

That joke about the eggplant was cheap, lazy,

and beneath you.

Now, I think you should seriously consider

changing your name to Cecily Sensitive.

- Cecily Sensitive?

- That way when you walk into a room,

everybody immediately knows exactly who

and what they're dealing with.

- Okay. Alright. Bye - Bye. Cecily Sensitive.

- Jesus. Cecily's Sensitive?

That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.

- What? Cecily Honey, I can still hear you.

- Oh, yes. No, hon. I know that. I was kidding.

It was comedy. It was comedy.

- Uh huh.

- Okay. All right. Well, okay. Bye-Bye for real.

(phone beeps)

- Bitch sounds pretty strong to me.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, welcome back from lunch, Dr. Jackie.

- Oh, thank you. I felt so guilty

for making you work through lunch

that I actually brought you a spicy chicken sandwich

with seasoned curly fries.

- Oh, that is so sweet of you.

But I brought my own lunch from home.

- You did?

- I brought myself a great big salad.

- Oh my God. Is that a cockroach?

- No, that is a very expensive handcrafted

small batch black olives, silly.

- Um, Sherry, very expensive, handcrafted,

small batch black olives do not have legs and antenna here.

- Ew.

- Here. Who's my next appointment?

- Another drag queen.

- Another drag queen?

You know, ever since I helped that one drag queen

with her very low self-esteem

and debilitating shyness,

all the drag queens are coming to me.

What was her name again?

- RuPaul.

- Right. What's the name of today's drag queen?

- Manila Luzon.

(Jackie chuckles and laughs)

- Oh my God. - What?

- She is got the words man and lose right in her name.

I crack myself up.

- Well, that's all that counts.

Alright, I'll send her in when she gets here.

- That's your job.

(upbeat music plays)

(keyboard clacking)

Hello Manila. I am Dr. Jackie, registered trademark

and welcome to my office as seen on TV.

- Oh, thank you. I had, I had no idea that you were on TV.

- Oh, no. Yes.

I appear on Good Morning USA quite frequently.

It's how most of my new patients hear of me.

- Oh, well, it was my friend. He suggested I come see you.

- Oh. Do you mind me asking who?

I'll give them a referral discount.

- Oh, well, I'm not really comfortable saying,

but he did tell me that you'd helped him

with his terrible nightmares

and his struggles with imposter syndrome.

- Oh, it's that chubby redheaded guy who does the scat porn

while wearing the clown mask, Freddie Mills.

- Freddie does porn?

- So why are you here?

And remember, this is a safe place.

- Clearly.

Well, it's quite simple. I can't sleep.

- Just not sleeping well or not sleeping at all?

- Oh, not sleeping at all.

- Oh, how many nights haven't you slept?

- Oh, I haven't slept for three whole nights.

- That's not good.

- Yeah, I know that. That's why I came here.

- Let me ask you,

have you recently started using cocaine or meth?

- Oh, no. Nothing of the sort. I don't even drink coffee.

- Are you maybe experiencing more stress than usual?

- No, I'm super busy at the moment,

but I've always, I've always thrived on that.

- Me too. Right now I'm training for a walk-a-thon

to benefit the lazy eye fund.

I'm re-watching all four seasons of small wonder

and I'm going through all my shoes

and getting rid of anything I haven't worn

in the past couple of years no matter how much I love them.

(Jackie laughs)

Busy, busy.

- I'm busy too. I just signed with Warner Music,

my TV show Dragged In,

just got picked up for a second season.

And I've been promoting my new vodka.

Serve Manila Luzon pineapple flavored vodka.

(crowd cheers)

- Did I mention that I'm in the middle

of a brutal shoe purge?

So no coke, no meth, not under any stress.

Don't worry. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this mystery

or my spirit animal isn't Jessica Fletcher?

- Who's Jessica Fletcher?

She's the mystery writer

and amateur sleuth played by Angela Lansbury,

God bless her soul, on the hit TV show Murder She Wrote,

which ran for 12 seasons from 1984 to 1996.

And she is my spirit animal.

- Well, maybe, maybe you don't want to say spirit animal.

That term is sacred to the Native American people.

So you flippantly using it

might be considered cultural appropriation.

- You know what? Maybe you can't sleep

because you're so busy being the word police.

Now let me ask you, have you ever been hypnotized?

- No.

- Well, you are in luck

because you are looking at a licensed hypnotherapist.

Well, one more class and I'll be licensed.

But you know how those seminars are.

They teach you all the important stuff

at the very beginning, am I right?

And now, if you will kindly sign this waiver,

let's see if we can bring this dangerous, unhealthy bout

of insomnia to an end.

- If I thought it would help me sleep,

I'd let you hit me with a hammer.

(Jackie laughs)

- Don't be ridiculous. I would never do that.

Not after what happened the last time.

- What?

- Alright, now I just need you to focus

on the swinging talisman,

which if you think about it, would be a dynamite name

for a pagan singles bar.

(Jackie laughs)

Yes. Back and and forth, back and forth.

You should be feeling very tired.

- I'm not.

- Well, maybe give it more than five seconds, huh?

Back and forth right about now your eyelid

should be getting very heavy.

- Or not.

- Well, that's some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that if your eyelids aren't getting heavy,

it means that the eyeshadow you're wearing right now

probably doesn't contain lead.

- Good to know.

- And the bad news is that maybe you're part

of the 90% of the population who can't be hypnotized.

- 90%?

- Yeah. Can you believe it?

Let's try something else.

This is a video

of my receptionist, Shirley, performing standup, a comedy

at an open mic night here in town.

- And what is it with airline peanuts? Huh?

I mean, if I wanted to get all excited about a tiny bag

that had two stale salty nuts in it,

I'd tea bag my boyfriend, am I right?

She knows what I'm talking about. What's your name?

(crowd boos)

- Dr. Jackie.

- Let's hire Manila for diversity.

- What? - Nothing.

- Well, I'm afraid this is not working.

- Really?

- Maybe I could just take a sleeping pill.

- Absolutely not young lady.

Let me tell you a little story

about just taking a sleeping pill, pill pill.

- Why? Why'd you say that three times?

- Because it's a flashback, stupid.

(sparkling sound plays)

A long time ago, back when I was in college,

no, I don't want to say I'm old,

but our school mascot was a wooly mammoth.

Well, I'd been up for a few days.

Not unlike what you are going through right now,

cramming for finals, guzzling the strong black Java

and hitting the textbooks,

most of which have since been banned.

But that's another story.

Anyway, next thing I knew, it was the night before test day.

My head was like a pinball machine pinging

with countless equations, facts, and historical dates.

I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep.

So I took a sleeping pill.

Actually, I took three sleeping pills.

I slept and slept and slept right through my final exams.

And as a result, I flunked all my classes

and eventually dropped out of college.

For years I floundered from job to job,

truck stop, waitress, meter maid, editor in chief of Vogue.

It took almost a decade

before I found my way here in this office, behind this desk,

helping people like you.

So you see-

That's it my tired little angel, sleep.

(Jackie giggles)

Sleep. I'll see you in the morning.

(Jackie giggles)

(lullaby music plays)

(Manila snores)

(keyboard clacking)

(bell dings)

(rooster singing)

- What day is it?

400 dol, eight hours at $400 an hour?

- [Jackie] Pay up. Bitch.

(upbeat music plays)

(door slams shut)

- Thanks Jackie. I took up your advice

and told my boyfriend

about that illicit backstage get down we had one time

and he got so excited about it

that all he can talk about

is having a three-way with the two of us.

But I just told him to Google you and take care of himself.

But then he just strapped an iPad around my head

with your face on it and that seems to work fine.

So I can just close my eyes

and he thinks he is getting it on with two of us.

So it works. You're wonderful.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0