Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy, she had no cash ♪

♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is a bitter aging actress ♪

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ 'Til she took a bogus class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the shelf is elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary is ♪

♪ her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore, Sherry. ♪

♪ You don't wanna be honor client list. ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪

- Good morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was walking into my office,

but I obviously stumbled into the Barbie Dream House.

(sniffing)

- Do I smell donuts?

- You certainly do. My adorable little bloodhound.

- Yay.

Oh, wait a minute. Now, are these real donuts,

or is it like a candle that smells like donuts?

Because this one time I went over to a friend's house

and I walked in and I was like, oh my God, is

that my all time favorite freshly baked banana nut bread?

And she was all like, no, it's just a candle

that smells like freshly baked banana nut bread.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed.

- The donuts are real.

- Yay. Wait, wait, wait.

I'm in intermittent fasting so I can only eat

between 9 and 9:15 AM.

- Oh, well, it's 9:14, so you better-

Oh my God.

Okay. But you know what? When you're done,

can you please hide those donuts?

Because remember, this morning is my very first meeting

of those really sad, pathetic, fat people.

- How could I forget?

You made me get rid of all the hard candy

and mints from your office.

Put a lock on the mini fridge

and reinforce the chairs and sofa.

- You know, if I were unethical, I would put this big box

of deep fried sugar

encrusted carbs right in the middle of my desk.

So those poor people would cheat on their diets

and have to come back to me week after week after week.

- So don't put them on your desk?

- Just hide them like I said.

And Sherry, they're going to be here any minute so quick,

put on my coat so you don't look so

annoyingly, judgmentally, skinny.

- Oh, good idea.

I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

- Of course not.

- My God.

- What?

You look like a big fat girl.

(both laughing)

- Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Welcome everyone, to our very first meeting

of The Chunk Challenge.

- Wait a minute, I thought that this group

was called Fierce and Flabulous?

- You told me it was called Large and In Charge.

- I thought it was Positively Plump?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. All of those names were already taken.

So, as you probably already know,

from my many bus bench ads around town,

I am Dr. Jackie.

Why don't we go around the room

and each introduce ourselves.

Teddy?

- Hi, I am International Drag Superstar, Ginger Minj.

- Hi, Ginger, welcome.

- I am Teddy Margas, actor and comedian.

- Hi Teddy. - Hi Teddy.

- Welcome.

- Hi, everyone. I'm Jazzy.

I am a biracial, bisexual standup comic.

- Hi, Jazzy. Welcome.

Great to meet you all,

and congratulations for just being here.

You know, it takes a lot of guts

to simply suit up and show up.

So, hey, why don't we give ourselves a big

round of applause right now?

And I'm so sorry if the words big and round trigger anyone.

You know, as Dr. Steven Hawking himself said,

"the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step."

- Dr. Jackie, that was Confucius.

- Oh, I can see where it would be confusing.

I mean, he said it while he was sitting in a wheelchair.

What I mean is, today is the first step on your journey

to a thinner, healthier you.

- Huh?

- A slimmer, slender you is right around the corner.

- What?

Being a fucked up fatty will soon be a thing of the past.

- Excuse me. - What did she say?

- Fucked up fatty.

- I'm sorry. Are you all having trouble hearing me?

- No. Dr. Jackie, we hear you loud and clear,

but I have to admit, the things

that we are hearing from you are rather disturbing.

- Oh, that's perfectly normal.

I mean, listen, spiritual growth, especially when combined

with physical shrinking can oftentimes feel, did you say

that you are biracial?

- Yeah. 20% Asian.

Papers are in the purse if you need to see 'em.

- Oh no, it's fine.

Like I said, this process may be a little painful at times,

but thanks to my mandatory low calorie meals,

ergonomically designed exercise equipment and my stylish

but breathable workout wear made from ethically sourced

cotton in China, all available to you at an additional cost,

your healing transformations will not only be

successful, but fun.

- Low calorie meals? - Exercise equipment?

- Workout wear?

- Yes. Now, the very first step

to accepting the chunk challenge is

to share a humiliating experience

that maybe was a direct result of your extra weight.

Teddy?

- Hi. Bestselling author as Ginger Minj here.

Dr. Jackie? I don't have any of those stories.

- Well, let me help you. Perhaps you were on an airplane

and you could barely fit in the seat.

- Oh, no. I fly first class.

- Okay. But you're never gonna get better if you refuse

to go there, Ginger.

No pain, no gain, no pun intended.

Teddy, tell us your most painful memory.

- Come to think of it, I can't think of anything either.

- Oh, Teddy, the memory may be buried very deep

and you may have trouble seeing it.

You know, like when you look down

to look at your feet, let me guide you.

Have you ever been hired for a job

and then quickly realized that you were really only hired

because of how big you are?

And the entire project was really just one

long fat joke?

- You mean like this job right now, Jackie?

- First of all, it's Dr. Jackie.

And second of all, we're not talking about right now,

we're talking about digging up pain from the past.

So you people feel so bad about yourselves,

you'll keep coming here and buy my stuff.

My garage is full of it. I really need to get rid of it.

Biracial, what about you?

- What about me? - Have you ever been told

by a standup comedy club owner?

Hey, sorry, Jazzy, I can't hire you for this show.

'cause I already have one chunky chick in the lineup.

And frankly, if I could be perfectly honest with you,

the normal audience gets really uncomfortable

if we have more than one.

- No.

- Okay. Okay.

Listen, I realize that denial can be a very powerful

and effective survival technique.

But as Martha Stewart says,

"if you wanna make some omelets,

you better yell at an assistant to crack some eggs."

And I am so sorry if eggs are a binge food for any of you.

- Hi, Danny DeVito, body double Ginger Minj here.

And I just wanted to say, I really don't think

that this is the right group for me.

I'm not looking to lose weight.

I just thought that, you know,

maybe we could all come together

and share our experiences in a safe space

where we could uplift and empower each other.

- God, that sounds so beautiful.

But how am I supposed to make money off that?

Oh my God.

Did I just say that out loud?

- You did.

Look, I have an idea.

- Take a snack break. - No.

How about we go around the group again

and we share another instance where

our size has affected our lives,

but this time not necessarily a negative way

or in a humiliating way?

- In a positive way. - In a positive way.

- I like it. Teddy.

- I'll go first since I was on Drag Race.

- Sounds fair.

- So recently this very famous

designer hit me up and said, girl,

I love your body positivity.

I want to make you a couture gown.

He was obsessed with making me the most

amazing dress I'd ever seen.

I put it on and I felt like a, oh, like a supermodel.

Dr. Jackie. Are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine. I just, I just got something in my eye.

It's a tear.

Teddy tough act to follow.

- Well, I have a, like a slutty story.

- Oh, okay.

- I love a slutty story.

- Alright. I was out this past weekend

for happy hour at the local gay bar.

When out of the corner of my eye,

I saw this big beefy hunk come walking towards me.

And he comes up to me and he says, "Finally, a man

with a little meat on his bones."

Well, long story short, we went back to his place

and the sex was amazing.

- Oh my God. That's like one of those Hallmark movies.

But with anal sex.

Jazzy, what about you?

- Again, I don't have a specific story.

I love my life and I love myself.

If anyone thinks that they're better than me

for any reason at all, they can just fuck off.

I mean, I'm sorry. Who do you think is better in bed?

Someone who eats nothing but quinoa and kale?

Or someone who likes some pizza and ice cream, you know?

- Yas, mama.

- Okay, good point.

But I mean, let's not throw all skinny people under the bus.

- No.

- We have problems too.

(crickets chirping)

I want to thank you so much

for telling your personal stories.

You opened your hearts and in turn, you opened my eyes.

You are all beautiful,

and healthy,

and happy.

I just always assumed that fat people were miserable.

- Are you miserable? - I'm sorry?

- Uh, Dr. Jackie, you're not exactly a size two.

- What? Wait a minute. I'm confused.

- You're fat, bitch.

- Wait!

What?

- One of us.

One of us.

One of us!

- No!

Dr. Jackie, how may I help you?

- Hey, Dr. Jackie it's me, Parker Posey.

- Oh, hey, Parker.

How are you? Do you need help figuring out how

to watch a TV show you're in again?

- No. I had my neighbor print out instructions

and tape them to the back of the remote control.

- Oh, okay. So what's up?

- I just had lunch with a bunch of younger friends

and they were all making fun of me

because my cell phone is so old.

- Well, that's not nice.

- I know, right? And they were mercilessly mocking the fact

that I'm so low tech.

I mean, one of them even called me a Luddite.

I'm not that bad. I'm not gonna apologize

for not being on my phone twenty four seven.

You know? And I go everywhere

and I see these people all on their phones not talking

to each other on these demonic contraptions

that they're holding in their hands.

- Yes. It's a real problem.

- Yeah. And newsflash kids, Lawrence of Arabia, wasn't made

to be watched on something the size of a graham cracker.

- Honey, kids today aren't watching Lawrence of Arabia.

They're watching TikToks.

- What's TikToks? Is that a movie?

I haven't seen it. Is it Marvel?

- No, it's- - And the worst part about all

of this is the fact that I had-

- Parker, honey, I think maybe you hit the mute button.

- Am I right or am I right? - You're right.

- I have to say this, this whole thing has been an epiphany

for me because

I've never told anyone this Dr. Jackie, but I-

- Parker, are you there?

Oh, well, she'll probably write me a letter about it.

Hey, Shirley, I'm back

and I brought you some yummy leftovers.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not Shirley.

- No. And neither is Shirley. See, it's actually Sherry.

- Oh, wait a minute. What is going on? Where is Shirley?

- Again, it's Sherry, but I am her sister Calpernia.

Don't worry, she'll be back bright

and early tomorrow morning.

It's a very simple procedure.

And in the meantime, I'm here

to make sure everything runs smoothly.

We've met before, remember?

- Oh, yes. And in the brief time you were here,

the office ran with such professionalism

and efficiency that

for a moment I thought maybe I was dreaming.

And then that dream quickly turned into a nightmare when you

explained that you had to leave by a certain time

so you could attend your Q Anon meeting.

I don't know exactly how to say this,

but as I told your sister,

- Sherry. - Sherry!

I really never wanna see your crazy ass again.

- No, no, no. Listen, I completely understand.

But I promise that was the old me.

I'm not into that conspiracy stuff anymore.

- Oh, really? What um,

what happened exactly to make you change?

- Well, I could tell you that,

but first I'd like to tell you about

how while you were at lunch, I finally got rid of

that weird stain on the sofa.

- Oh my God. That was a European raspberry chocolate bar.

- Now, Dr. Jackie, if we're gonna work together, we have

to be honest with each other.

- It was bloody poop. - I know.

- It's a long story.

I'll tell it to you after you tell me

how you finally escaped Q Anon.

- Well, I was home in my apartment surfing the dark web,

filling my impressionable young mind

with all sorts of crazy things.

You know, like baby eating Illuminati, new world order,

lizard, alien and hybrid Democrats, when all of a sudden I,

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Startled, I turned to find myself meeting the blue eyes

of an old friend who I hadn't seen in years.

He said, "you know, all this stuff is garbage.

You know, this is all toxic.

You know that despite some serious problems,

this world is ultimately a beautiful place.

I'm begging you to just get out there

and take a deep breath of that clean air

and stop breathing in all that poison."

And right then and there, everything changed for me

and I was free.

- That was beautiful.

You are very fortunate to have a friend like that.

Tell me, what was his name?

- Elvis Presley.

- You put the Z in bonkers, bitch.

Before we start, can I get you anything, Ms. Allen?

Coffee, tea, cucumber infused Fuji Water?

- No, thank you. And And please call me Nancy.

- Oh, okay, Nancy.

So why did you come to see me today?

- Well, you see, I'm an actress.

- Oh, have you been in anything that maybe I've heard of?

- Well, have you heard of the Last Detail?

- No.

Dressed To Kill? - Uh uh.

- Robocop?

- Robo-what?

- All right. Poltergeist Three.

- Oh my God. Yes. Poltergeist.

You're the woman who slid into the swimming pool

and then all those skeletons came up behind you.

And did you know that Steven Spielberg used

real skeletons in that movie?

Yeah. Wait a minute. Is that why you're here?

Because Steven Spielberg made you swim

with real skeletons against your will?

- No, that was JoBeth Williams.

I was in Poltergeist Three.

- Oh, did they use real skeletons?

- I don't know. Forget about all that.

I'm here to talk about a movie called Carrie.

- Oh my God! - Oh, you've seen it!

No, I just won an online auction for the movie,

"Look Who's Talking Two" on laser disc.

It's very rare.

Carrie, Carrie. Hmm. Oh my God. Let me guess.

It's the latest Sex in the City Project,

and it revolves around Sarah Jessica Parker's character,

Carrie Bradshaw.

And you are here

because she is so gosh darn difficult to work with.

- No, Carrie is a classic horror film from 1976.

- Never seen it.

- It's directed by Brian de Palma.

It was Stephen King's first novel,

critically acclaimed, Academy award nominated

box office hit.

- Okay, so you are in this little movie called Cassie.

- It's Carrie.

I played the bad girl, Chris Hargensen.

A mean spirited heartless bitch

that now is the most iconic villain

in cinematic history.

- So what's the problem?

- Well, every day since the movie opened,

people look at me like, like I'm some horrible monster.

For instance, when I got here today,

your receptionist took one look at me and freaked out.

She started shaking uncontrollably

and then went under her desk.

Dr. Jackie, you've got to help me.

I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet. I'm a loyal friend.

I love animals. I'm devoted to a number of charities.

- Okay, slow down, Mother Theresa.

- But every time I walk into a room, people look at me

and they think I'm going to start throwing tampons at them

or dump a big bucket of pigs blood on them.

- Okay.

- Well, you see that's what my character,

Chris did in the movie.

- This kind of reminds me of another patient

of mine whose name I can't mention due

to doctor patient confidentiality laws.

But like you, she's also an actress.

She was in that movie Bridesmaids. Have you heard of it?

- Of course. It's hilarious.

- Yes, it is. And that's exactly

what I warned my patient who,

for the sake of this story,

I will simply call Calissa McCarthy.

I looked her right in the eye

and I said, Melissa, if you take this movie,

they're all gonna laugh at you.

And you know what? They did.

And they've been laughing ever since.

Well, except for that movie Identity Thief. I mean, come on.

Nobody laughed at that.

- So what should I do?

- Nancy? Honey, you're an actress.

You were in a groundbreaking hit movie that was not only,

you know, did it make a lot of money,

but it went on to become a classic.

And your performance in it was so good

that it still resonates with people.

You're a nice person. You know that.

And after spending just a few minutes

with you, I know it too.

- Thank you.

- So just have faith that every person you encounter,

although they may have a negative reaction to you at first,

will eventually get to know and love you like I have.

- You're so right, Dr. Jackie. Thank you so much.

I feel so much better now.

- Listen, it's my job.

There's no need to thank me.

I mean, would you thank a puppy for being cute?

Would you thank a pork chop for being delicious?

Would you thank Calissa McCarthy for making you laugh? No.

No. Now I'm afraid our time is up,

but I want to see how this new attitude of yours works out.

So make sure to schedule another appoint,

but with my assistant Shirley.

Just yell a couple of dates at her under the desk.

- Okay.

- Oh, Nancy, I want you to remember,

you're one of the kindest, sweetest,

most gentle people I have ever met.

- Thank You, Dr. Jackie.

Oh, one more thing.

- What?

- You're paying for the dry cleaning, bitch!

- Hi, Dr. Jackie. It's me, Michelle Visage.

And I just wanted to let you know that I took your advice

and I am so in love with the new me.

You are absolutely right.

Who needs hair and makeup to feel better about themselves.

Like I am so glad that you told me

to embrace the natural look like you do.

And I just thought if you can do it so bravely

and boldly, then so could I.

So I am loving the new me without hair and makeup.

Thank you again for your encouragement and your support.

You are always right. Thanks Dr. Jackie.

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