Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap box wine ♪

♪ Until she took a bogus class

♪ While at home online

♪ Finish fast, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would've guessed that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the show biz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb whore, Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

(door latching) (upbeat music ends)

(upbeat music)

(key board clicking)

(upbeat music ends)

- Oh, good morning, Dr. Jackie.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music ends) I see they didn't recast you.

Congratulations on season two.

- Excuse me?

- I said, here's your allergy medication.

I'm sneezing too.

- You've got the non-drowsy formula?

- No, never.

You told me to make sure I got the ones that were drowsy

and to get two bottles

so you could take double the recommended dose.

- I never said that. - She never said that.

She wrote it on this note.

- All right, well if this isn't a full blown intervention,

then can we please stop talking about my

legal perfectly harmless over the counter allergy medication

and discuss what is on the books for today?

- Yes, of course.

Your first appointment should be here any minute now.

It's a couple's therapy.

- Couples therapy.

Did you tell them that I charge double for that?

- Oh yes. I told them

and I made 100% sure and looked it up

and there it was, right after conjoined twins.

- Well do the math, I mean, double the people

means double the work for me.

- That's exactly what I told them

and they said they were fine with it.

They have great insurance.

But... - But?

- But they said they would only come

because we're not located anywhere near a 5G tower

and they thought their last therapist was a hologram.

- Crazy people, you can't live with them,

can't buy a vacation house in Big Bear without them.

Am I right?

- I wouldn't know, I live in a studio apartment

in the worst part of town.

- Great. Send them in when they get here.

- My next door neighbor

got stabbed. (door slamming)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music ends) (keyboard clicking)

- [Roger] Where are we, Africa?

Oh, this is like a Pier One Imports.

- Hello Roger and Linda.

Now it says here that this is your very first

couple's therapy session.

- How'd you know that? - How'd you know that?

- It says it on your intake form.

- Huh? Yeah.

And just to qualify, I'm Roger, that's Linda.

- We are kind of sad you gotta point that out.

But for your own records,

he is the man, I am the woman, okay?

God's done made himself two genders.

- God doesn't make one thing and that's mistakes.

- That's right. Amen.

- Well I certainly respect your opinion,

but I really don't think

we need to bring God into this today.

- Oh hey honey, you're gonna wanna get into God every day.

- I mean, unless of course you wanna burn in hell

for all eternity. It's your choice.

This is America, you're free to do whatever you want.

- You know what's not a choice though?

Getting an untested, rushed vaccine

that's actually a microchip

that keeps track of all the websites you're going on.

Even if all you're doing is a little research

on different pornographic websites.

It was research, Linda! - I know.

I never questioned you. I never questioned,

I just shouldn't have walked in the room.

I should always knock.

- Okay. Ignoring that.

I see here that you have been married for 17 years.

Are you here to discuss a specific problem

in your marriage?

- Problem? (chuckling)

We don't have problems,

all right? - Does it looks like we

have problems? - We take them upstairs.

- Yeah. Yeah, we pray about it.

Now listen,

the only reason we're here is it's a free session

through my union insurance.

And our friends, family and coworkers

won't talk to us anymore,

so. - No, I know. They're loss.

We just figure 'cause we're paying somebody,

they're gonna have to sit and listen to us.

- So listen. Listen. (clapping)

- Pay attention. - Yes.

Okay. Well that is why I am here, to listen.

So tell me what's on your mind?

- Alright, well I'll start.

All right? - That's right.

- Well for starters,

this country's going down the toilet.

- That's right.

And you gotta flush that toilet like five or six times,

'cause it's one of them newfangled liberal toilets

that uses like a tablespoon of water.

- And that toilet's conveniently located

in a gender neutral public restroom.

- I'm sorry, I remember when all inclusive

was just one of those vacation packages

that you would book at one of them Sandals Resorts.

- Yeah. You know, it just meant free towels.

Now it means like any man

could walk in a miniskirt in the bathroom,

throw his junk around,

even if there's a little 90-year-old nun

trying to wash your hands.

- Sick. Put it away. - Put it away.

- Wait a minute, are you two by any chance in QAnon?

- Absolutely not. - Okay.

- Okay. Thank God.

Because for a minute there I thought maybe-

- Oh no, no, no.

We left QAnon months ago. Now we graduated to RAnon.

- RAnon? - That's right.

- Okay, let me guess what the R stands for.

Does it by any chance rhyme with restarted?

(buzzer blaring)

- I believe it stands for reality.

- Yeah. And you know what the reality is?

The word woke

stands for a weirdos overreacting kinda every day.

My rights. My rights.

My rights. (laughing)

- I am so confused right now.

- That's what they want, that's their goal,

to confuse you,

to mess y'all up. - Yeah. Yeah.

And they're putting tracking devices in every Hot Pocket

to keep track of the patriots.

- Yeah, that's right.

They're not putting tracking devices in kale.

You know, do the math.

My cousin Melinda is a vegan witch

who had the audacity to call my Hummel collection

a bunch of pre-diabetic Nazi toddlers.

I mean, I'm sorry, what does that mean?

Can you imagine?

- Pre-diabetic what?

- I know, they're little angels.

They're just sitting on a shelf not hurting nobody.

- They're just looking at a butterfly or...

- [Linda] Eating a blueberry cake.

- Speaking of innocent white toddlers,

did you know that there's a Wendy's in Champaign, Illinois

where Biden keeps little babies

in industrial sized ketchup drums?

- Um, Tucker Carlson said it was an Arby's, honey.

- And what did the Bibles say about

contradicting your husband,

Linda? - That's right, I'm sorry.

It was a Wendy's. It was Wendy's.

- Oh, it's a Wendy's now. - Their burgers are square,

but they're good.

- [Roger] They have chili.

- Yeah, they got chili.

- Tell her about the chili.

- It's sweet, it's hot and it's red.

- Did you know that the rainbow flag

vibrates at a frequency

that makes even a red blooded normal man like me

crave a same sex experience?

- That's right. Roger discovered that,

inadvertently when he was protesting in a gay pride parade.

- [Roger] They're so tricky.

- Yes. Remember those rainbow Speedos?

They just sucked you right in.

- Oh my... - They'll suck you in.

That's science.

- Well to be fair, so are vaccines.

- Whatever Sarah Silverman. - Yeah.

Yeah. Get the jab, don't get the jab.

I mean, just don't come crying to me

when your heart explodes

running up a half a flight of stairs, Betty Midler.

- I know several teenagers who died of old age,

'cause they were forced to take that vaccine.

I mean, we are talking teeth falling out,

tennis balls on walkers, watching, "Matlock",

and then bam, dead as the American dream.

- That doesn't sound right.

- Neither does the fact that every Toyota Prius

is being monitored and controlled by Kamala Harris.

But here we are. - Yeah.

JFK Jr's still alive, but whatever.

- Chelsea Clinton murdered Jeffrey Epstein

with her bare hands in that jail to protect her daddy.

- I feel like maybe we've veered off the main road here.

- You know who really veered off the road?

Bud Light. - Oh.

- Do you know how many cans of his

I had to crack open and pour down the drain

one at a time.

- Yeah, I saluted the whole time.

(drum rolling dramatically)

- Okay.

- Oh, actually, there is one problem

I would like to discuss with you.

- Oh, a real problem.

Yes, please. What is it?

- My wife, Linda, has refused to perform her

marital duties for the last couple of months.

- Oh, well...

That is very common amongst couples

who have been together as long as you two have.

Let me ask, Linda, is there a specific reason

why maybe you have lost interest in sex lately?

- Okay firstly of all, I would like to say

that it is not because Roger yells at me,

and it is not because of his personal hygiene.

- Okay. - It's not me.

- The truth is,

and this is very hard for me to say...

- Listen, this is a safe place.

- Well, not really.

We just saw a Chinese spy balloon

flying over the parking lot, so.

(deeply sighing) That's true. That's true.

Ever since Roger discovered my Kevin Sorbo fan fiction,

he got jealous and things, I'm just gonna say it,

things have changed. (Roger gasping)

Dynamics have shifted.

- I did not get jealous.

I was disgusted.

- Well if you were so disgusted,

why did you post it on Parlor, sweetheart?

- To shame you into not doing it, Jezebel.

Now if you wanna write some beautiful fiction

about Kevin Sorbo, have that at it,

the man's beautiful, he's gorgeous.

But to write about him having an orgy in Branson, Missouri

with Kirk Cameron, Scott Baio, Kid Rock.

And then you throw Ann Coulter in through a window.

It's disgusting. - It is a fantasy, honey.

Like that time you accidentally called me Caitlyn Jenner

when I had your toes in my mouth on your birthday.

- [Roger] No. Stop writing that down!

- I love you. I love you.

Stop writing.

You stop that writing down. - Stop writing.

You stop writing right now.

- Spawn of the devil.

Roger, I still love you.

You're still the same racist,

misogynist homophobe that I married.

- Hey. Hey.

Hunter Biden's laptop.

- Michelle Obama is a man.

- All lives matter.

- The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun

is a good guy with a gun.

- January 6th was just locker room talk.

- My pronouns will always be property of Roger.

- Oh (indistinct). (National Anthem playing)

- Excuse me, I'm sorry,

I hate to interrupt this

very disturbing for Chan fore play.

But again, I think maybe the Roomba

has rolled into a room that doesn't really need vacuuming.

Listen, the good news is

we are out of time.

The bad news is, I really honestly

don't think we have achieved

anything. - Are you kidding me?

My wife and I are gonna have sex

for the first time in months tonight,

all thanks to you.

- We're gonna have Wendy's for dinner.

- Oh, tell her about the chili.

- Oh, there's hot chili.

Throw it in a baked potato.

Ugh, mouthful of frosty.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)

(upbeat music ends) (telephone ringing)

- Hello, Dr. Jackie. It's me, Lady Bunny.

- Yes, I can see that.

Even Helen Keller could see that.

- Excuse me?

- She was blind. Get it?

Nevermind. What's up?

- I'm feeling really taken advantage of

by a so-called friend of mine.

- Uh oh, tell me all about it.

- Well this friend is more of an acquaintance really,

always trying to ask me to be in her half-baked projects.

You know, because I'm iconic, legendary.

I created wig stock and my friend,

she's just not that famous.

- Okay.

- Anyway, this situation is just like her face,

getting old really fast.

And when this old mug says, your face looks old,

bish you're in trouble.

- Now this is why boundaries are so important, Bunny.

Now did this person do anything specific

to trigger this feeling of being taken advantage of?

- Yes. She all but begged me

to be part of her stupid TV show.

Well I did my research

and I found out that only 17 people watch it

and I'm pretty sure that most of them are Canadian.

(laughing)

- Oh dear.

- I made up some excuse about being too busy,

but of course she couldn't take a hint

and said I could even call in on my phone and do it.

How stupid is that?

- Pretty stupid.

- What should I do, Dr. Jackie?

You are the only person I can come to

with questions like this.

- Thank you.

- Because all my other friends are talented,

successful and beautiful.

But you're not... - Huh?

- Too busy to listen.

- Well it sounds to me like this person

is simply trying to make the most of an opportunity.

You really can't blame her.

Perhaps she's not really taking advantage of you,

but rather respecting and valuing you.

- Nope. She is just a fame hungry, manipulative cunt.

- Okay well here's what you do then,

you've got to learn how to say no, not in a nice way,

just make it very clear

that you want nothing to do with this harmless,

well-meaning, if not somewhat slightly misguided person.

(tone beeping) Bunny?

Bunny, are you still there?

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music ends)

(loud farting) - Oh. Oh hi Dr. Jackie.

How was lunch?

- Oh, not great actually. I feel lousy.

- Oh no. Do you think it was something you ate?

- Well let's see. I just came from lunch

and I don't feel well, so yes,

I have a feeling it was something I ate, Agatha Christie.

- I think you mean Miss Marple.

- Excuse me?

- Agatha Christie was actually the mystery writer

who created the character

that I think you meant to say

to try and make me look stupid, Miss Marple.

- Okay. Well if you don't mind,

can you please bring me some antacid

when you're done dusting for prints, Miss Marple?

- Yes, of course. What did you eat?

- Oh, I ate at that new Italian restaurant, Mama Espositos.

And when I ordered the bolognese,

the waitress gave me the weirdest look.

Next thing I know,

she sat a bowl of mayonnaise down in front of me.

Bolognese, bowl of mayonnaise.

- Yeah, that sounds like something that really happened.

- Well the poor thing

probably doesn't speak much English and misunderstood.

- Bolognese is Italian.

- So is, shut up your mouth!

Now listen, I ate a bowl of mayonnaise for lunch

and now I gotta go sit in that office

and listen to some boring, miserable person

talk about their life for an hour. All right?

Speaking of which, who's my next appointment?

- A performer named...

- Peppermint.

- Just Peppermint?

- Exactly. You know, like Beyonce,

Adele, Rihanna.

- Cher, Madonna, Jesus.

(keyboard clicking) (sharp chuckling)

(dinging)

- Now before we start,

I'm a little nervous to ask this,

but my niece is a huge fan of yours

and she would be just so happy if I could maybe

just get your autograph for her.

- Oh, well of course.

What's her name?

- Oh, just the signature's fine at the bottom.

- Oh, I get it.

It's easier to sell on eBay if it's not personalized, right?

(pen scribbling)

(excitedly laughing)

- She's gonna be so happy.

- Oh good.

- Now I'm sure you're wondering

why I made an appointment to see you, Dr. Jackie.

- Actually, I think I know why.

I took it upon myself, full disclosure,

to Google you. Now I never used to do that

with clients before they came in.

- Oh? - It must be so hard

to be a Black trans woman of color.

- You know, you don't have to say Black and of color,

you could just use one or the other.

- Just tell me what to say.

- Well my problem actually has nothing to do with me being

a Black trans woman of color.

- It doesn't?

- No. - Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- Okay. You know what,

the more I think about it, that makes sense.

I mean, not all my problems

are because I'm a beautiful, cisgender white woman.

(laughing)

So why are you here?

- Well as you may have already discovered

in your online investigation,

I am a popular entertainer

and a social media influencer.

- You're also an Aquarius

who was born in Hershey, Pennsylvania

in 19- - Oh, look at the time.

We better get going, honey.

I'm talking about companies approaching me

to endorse their products.

- So what's the problem? - The problem

is that these companies want me to endorse products

that I don't actually use.

- Oh, let me guess. McDonald's asked you

to do a commercial for the return of the McRib

but your vegan. - I'm talking about

cosmetics companies, stupid.

Several national brands have approached me

to endorse their products for obscene amounts of money.

- How obscene? - Well...

(soft music)

- Oh, would you just give it to me.

- Sweet Home Alabama, ka-ching!

Oh, go ahead.

Hot tattooed guy behind the counter at Chipotle,

add guacamole!

- I said no.

- Are you fucking crazy?

- Hold up Dr. Jackie.

Is that really something that a psychotherapist

should be saying to their patients?

- Probably not.

- I didn't take the money

because it would be unethical.

- How so? - Well Dr. Jackie,

I know this may come as a surprise to you,

but I actually don't wear any makeup.

- Excuse me?

- I've also been approached

by a handful of wig companies-

- And let me guess,

that's your real hair. - Obviously.

- Okay, just so I understand what's going on here,

you turned down this many zeros because you,

and I wanna make sure I'm getting this right,

you don't wear any makeup

and that's your real hair?

- Exactly. Listen, it's very important to me

to live my truth and be my most authentic self.

- Honey, I am all for living your truth

and being your authentic self.

But you can put that on hiatus for five minutes.

Take that money and then you can get back

and be your most authentic self

while you're getting a foot massage

in your giant mansion

next door to George Clooney on Lake Como.

Come on.

- Are you saying

that you think that I should sacrifice my integrity

and my authenticity and sell my soul,

literally sell my soul for just the money?

- Yes! That is the American dream.

That is capitalism. That is show business.

Honey, just between you and me,

I would endorse Marjorie Taylor Greene

for president for $450.

- What? - Okay. You know what,

maybe I'd hold out for $500,

you know, play hard ball.

- Hmm. Well, Dr. Jackie,

there is just one more thing I wanted to tell you.

- You turned down a billion dollars

to have sex with Elon Musk.

- Look over there because you have just been Pepper Sprayed.

(upbeat music)

- Huh? (upbeat music)

- Charlie, get the horrified look on her face.

That's right, you've just been Pepper Sprayed

for my brand new hidden camera show on MTV.

- A hidden camera show?

- Yes. It's just like Candid Camera and Punk'd,

but only with a Black trans woman of color.

(laughing)

- Yippee, I'm gonna be on TV.

- This is comedy gold.

Oh, you should have seen the look on your face

when I told you I don't wear any makeup.

Girl, I got a shit ton of makeup on.

- I'm confused. So that is a wig?

- No, it's two wigs, bitch.

(laughing)

Now the only question left to ask

is how much is it gonna cost us

to get you to sign a release?

- Oh, ho, ho. (upbeat music)

Tables have turned.

(upbeat music)

Read it and weep.

- Well... (laughing)

Guess what?

We ain't gonna pay you nothing, bitch.

- What? - That's right.

Honey, remember that autograph

I asked you to sign for my niece?

Mm-hm. Turns out it was a release

saying that we could use your footage for free.

- That doesn't seem fair.

- Well that is the American dream.

That is capitalism. That is show business.

So I guess you're gonna have to look for yourself on TV

because you have been Pepper Sprayed, bitch. Bye.

- By the way, she was born in 1979, do the math.

I may have been Pepper Sprayed,

but you just got jacked off.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music fading) Okay, that doesn't sound good.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming) (upbeat music ends)

(upbeat music) (laughing)

- Dr. Jackie. It's Varla Jean Merman.

And I have to thank you so much

for helping me with my fear of clowns.

Last week I was finally able to go to the circus

with my nieces and nephews

and that guy I met from the truck stop.

And then last night, honey,

I was able to go

to a Lady Bunny show

and I stayed for the whole first minute.

So I think I'm finally ready to take the next step and

FaceTime you.

Thank you. Okay, tell me where to send the check,

I don't do that internet money stuff.

Alright, thank you honey. Thank you.

It's Varla Jean Merman,

did I mention that.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music fads out)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0