Original subtitles

Back up!

Get your ass back!

I don't know who you think you messing with,

but I'll tell you got--

Oh, shit.

He gonna fucking eat my ass.

You're gonna eat my ass

and set me on fire or some shit, ain't you?

Who are you? Huh?

Where am I? Tell me--tell me... tell me where I'm at.

Oh, wait a minute.

Do you work... do you work for Karl Stromberg?

I said do you work for Karl Stromberg?

Okay.

Okay. Okay, we in it. This is it.

We're doing it. Okay, Karl! I like it. I like it.

Um, okay. Shit.

Okay. Let me see where are... where are we in the script.

God, my adrenaline is flowing so much. You got me.

I thought you was really trying to eat my ass.

All right. Uh, okay. Three, two, one.

Okay. Rice, peas, carrots. Let's go.

You know, I've been searching the globe for you.

You're a hard man to find Mr. Bartholomew.

I think you got a line.

You got a line.

Uh, you say your part, then I'll react off of that

because what you say sets me up to now...

unless you're not union. Are...

Is he union or no?

- Guys, can you not-- Okay.

Oh, rewrite. There must've been pink pages.

Okay, uh, let me get back in it.

What you gonna do with those?

Chop off my finger? Hmm? Cut off my leg, my foot?

Newsflash, I only need one foot to kick your ass.

That is a trailer moment.

- Guys, I only--

Good evening.

Do not use the shears on this man.

Is that... is that the producer? Is that Karl? Karl!

He must atone for his sins.

What is that, atone for my... I don't know.

He must feel the pain

he has made others feel.

Yeah, I'm lost, guys. I don't know where we are.

Um, if we're gonna do a rewrite, GR's gotta give me the pages.

I'll stay in it. I'll stay in it. Um...

Okay. All right. Okay.

Why don't we... why don't we take it easy?

'Cause I know why you're mad, huh?

You mad because I... Stop right there.

Let's stop right there. No, no, no.

Let's make that your mark. Whoa. No. Stop right there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!

Count to ten.

No. Fuck you! Wait. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, man! Hey!

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't cut my dick. Don't cut my dick.

That's a... Okay. Using it... Use... I'mma use it.

Stay in it.

Yeah!

One, two...

Come on. Come on.

Dammit. No, not today.

Yeah! Did we get it? Huh?

Spin it. We got it. Yeah.

Come and lay your ass, Montoya.

This looks incredible. It's so good.

Shit.

It's Montoya's men.

Jordan? The hell are you doing here?

Son of a bitch. Did they hurt you?

Hmm? Did they hurt you?

Kevin, what the hell is going on?

The uranium heist. That's what's going on.

- The what? - I already handled Bartholomew.

But General Montoya,

he's not gonna let us off this easy.

What the hell are you talking about?

Shit.

I was walking my dog

and someone hit me in the fucking neck

with a tranquilizer dart.

- Huh? - And I ended up here.

What are you talking about?

You didn't talk to Karl Stromberg?

Who?

Karl Stromberg. About the movie.

Right now, we're in it. This is the movie.

It's a live action movie.

We're improving all the action scenes.

No green screen, no fucking cables.

It's real. Raw.

It's gonna take my acting career

and my action status to the next level.

So this is all your fault?

Well, I mean, this my script. It took me...

I don't know how long to develop it

- but Karl did-- - What the hell is your problem?

Stop. What are you--

- What is wrong with you? - Shit. Ow!

- I didn't do anything. - Shit. That's sharp.

How long were you laying on that?

Damn it.

And why you got an attitude?

This is a simple outline. It's a lay-up, okay?

I'm a triple agent.

MI7, I'm the highest of high, right?

Like you can't get higher than where I am.

But you, you're my love interest.

They took you hostage

'cause they knew it's the only way to get to me.

So now I'm here and I got to get you.

- You understand what I'm saying? - You're classic,

and I'm pretty sure that kidnaping is a felony.

Well, I'm pretty sure that when you're an adult,

they don't call it kidnapping.

- So that's... that's pathetic. - Fuck you, Kevin.

What do you mean, fuck me? Why you mad at me?

You should be mad at Karl Stromberg.

I do not know who that is.

Shh.

You don't want them to hear you.

Who? Who will hear me?

There's no one here, and do not say Karl Stromberg.

Are you saying Strum or Strong? Is it Strongberg, Stromberg?

'Cause I don't know what that... Okay.

Hey, hey, there are cameras everywhere.

We're filming a movie.

Where? Where? There are no cameras anywhere.

Will you look around? There's cameras everywhere.

Okay, listen, listen.

All I need you to do is just grasp what's going on.

This is a big opportunity for both of us.

Okay, just get in character.

- Please?

They got this place locked down tighter than Fort Knox.

Oh, God. You're right. It's tight out.

Those motherfuckers knew I will come rescue you,

a beautiful damsel in distress like yourself.

Yeah. Thank you for rescuing me.

Just like any woman,

I wouldn't know what to do if a man didn't show up

to save me and tell me to eat

so I don't starve and breathe oxygen.

- So that I don't suffocate. - Let's cut. Let's cut.

- Can we cut? Keyword with me.

- I'd rather not. - Please?

- Okay. - Thank you.

All right, guys, wanna go again? All right. Self action.

Do you have any idea what's on the outside of that door?

It's dangerous men on the other side of that door.

I'm talking mercenaries, killers, ninjas,

failed karate school instructors,

people that wanna do bad things to me

just because they can.

There's a bounty on my fucking head.

I'll tell you what, Esmeralda...

I'll pay that bounty,

and I will give them my head

if it meant saving your life

so that you could finish med school

and open up that clinic that you always wanted--

Ow, shit!

Open up that clinic that you always wanted--

- Esmeralda, wait.

Esmeralda, hey!

Oh, you fucking piece of shit.

You leave her out of here, you hear me?

She's got nothing to do with this.

This is between me, you,

and the 78,000 kilos of stolen uranium.

All right. That's how you wanna have it.

Let's have at it.

I'm so over this.

Kevin, next time you have a terrible movie idea,

leave me out of it, yeah?

- Oh, shit.

I'm sorry, but did this central casting goon

just hit me in the face with a real fucking axe?

Cut. No, no, no.

- We need to cut right now. - No.

- I don't know what... - Don't cut. Don't cut.

...production this is but I need to speak to a producer--

Is that all you've got?

Jordan, let me get in there now.

Slam his ass.

Jordan, let my character get some, tag me in.

Yeah.

Hold it. Hold it.

Yeah.

Whoo! We got that. What a scene.

Good job.

Here.

I think I'm the one that was supposed

to kick his ass, though.

'Cause I'm the lead,

so I'm quite sure that was supposed to be me.

- But we'll fix it in the post--

Go, go, go, go!

That guy was trying to kill me.

Kevin, not acting. Not a movie.

- Literally trying to kill me! - No.

It's cinema verité. I know it's a little different,

- but that's what it is. - Different?

A little fucking different, Kevin?

Whoa. Are you okay?

Yeah, I know you're just trying to get me to apologize.

No, no, no.

- Just give me a second. What? - Kevin.

You've been hit with a real fucking bullet.

That's not real blood.

What--

- Of course it's real blood! - No. Taste it.

I'm not gonna taste your blood, Kevin.

You can. You can. It's pig's blood.

- No-- - It's not my blood.

Does that feel fake?

- Ow! Ow! - Shit. Shit. Shit.

- Shit. - I gotta lay down.

I gotta lay down.

Kevin! Kevin!

No, no, no, no. Wait, look. There's a photographer. Look.

He wants your picture. There.

God.

What the fuck?