Original subtitles

This is so lovely.

But we've still got so much to prepare.

Well, to show you that we're a team,

I made a little plan of all the things that we need to do

before the C-section to make you feel ready.

Aw!

I love you.

Mwah! Mwah!

I love you.

What? Wha...?

What? It's...

It's not... Tell me it's not.

It's, it's... You're not?

I'm not.

Tittin' hell. Your waters are broken.

Oh, it's just pond water, I think.

STAMMERING: So-so-so...you're not actually, are you?

No...!

Well, I think I am.

I definitely...!

Ow!

What the fuck are we doing on a boat?!

ECHOING: Boat...

My God, we are really shit parents...!

What, cos we're the type of lunatics that take a rowing boat out

into the middle of nowhere when you're eight months pregnant?!

Oh, I think we're fucking model fucking parents, actually!

You need to calm down.

I am fucking calm! YOU need to be fucking calm!

It's going to be all right. Is it? Yeah. OK.

We're going to be all right. We are? Yeah. OK.

All right? Yeah, great. It's going to be OK. Yeah, we're amazing.

Hi, Claire.

What, Jonathan?

I really think we should talk.

Yeah, not keen on that.

Look, can I be honest?

Obviously a foreign concept to you.

But I don't even really want to look at you.

Right. Uh, OK.

Well, uh... Well, look, you don't have to look at me.

I just wanted to explain.

OK, fine. Fill your boots!

Well, I sort of thought you were going to just turn around

or close your eyes, or something.

Claire, I'm really sorry about Megan.

I-I... I've ended things with her.

And, uh...

Erm, I'm sorry it's another mum from school.

But most of all, I'm sorry that I lied to you.

I-I-I...

It was just things were going so great with us, and I was...

I was trying to find the moment. It's very, very difficult,

because, like, the situation's complicated, you know?

And it's just a tricky one to...

You aren't there, are you?

Claire? Claire?

Look, I'm just going to be waiting in the car

until you're ready to talk.

Which I sort of realise is pointless if you're not listening at the door.

Are you listening at the door?

It would just be good to get a sign that you're listening at the door.

Claire?

If you just knock on the door, or scratch or something.

Even just, like, bump up against it?

Fucking hell.

Claire? Was that you?

CALL CONNECTING TONE

Hello? Where are you?

I'm in the car. OK, great.

I need you to come to the hotel and pick us up.

Courtney has gone into labour.

The hotel reception aren't answering and we need to go to the hospital,

but I've been drinking.

Look, relax, relax, relax, OK? Let's stay calm.

Now, the first thing I would say is that your only real job

as birthing partner is to get Mum to hospital,

so the decision to drink was a mad one.

Yeah, that's not really helpful now, Jonathan.

Is he coming?

But if she's only just gone into labour, then you've got ages.

Claire took, like, a week to have Spencer.

The hotel's only an hour from the hospital.

You've probably got time to fit in another spa treatment.

Jonathan, we're on a boat.

What the fuck are you doing on a boat?

She's eight months pregnant.

Do you want me to drown myself?

Well, what are you calling me for? Just ask the captain,

or the boatswain, or the first mate to get you back to shore.

It's a rowing boat. Oh...

A rowing boat?!

Well, just, you know, row yourself to shore.

We only have one oar.

Of course you do.

On my way.

Jesus.

He's on his way.

COURTNEY GROANS

Help!

Claire! Courtney's in labour.

And...and she's in danger.

What do you mean, she's in danger?

I don't know. She's on a boat.

I'm going there to save her.

She might not be able to have her C-section.

She wants you there to help her. She wants ME there?

Yeah.

What...? She actually say that word for word?

Yes, like, more or less... I don't have a transcript, but...

Someone who's been through it before.

OK, fine.

What's with the suitcase?

Claire, why have you got a suitcase?

What...? I will help you get Courtney to the hospital.

Claire, why are you bringing a suitcase?

But I absolutely have to be on a flight this evening.

Flight? What flight?

What is...?

What flight are you talking about?

Jonathan, let me make something absolutely clear.

Me coming to help you does not change anything between us.

You have to respect that and just leave it, OK?

Yeah, I get it. I totally get...

Like, I... I totally, totally respect that.

You know...

Is it a work trip?

RADIO MUSIC PLAYS

Bit of winter sun?

MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES

I just thought it'd be nice to sort of turn the music off

and have a nice chat, you know? "So, where are you going?"

I'm sort of asking, like, you know, casually, like...

MUSIC CUTS

See, that's better, isn't it? I'm going away with Brett.

He's booked us a trip to Venice to see if we can,

I don't know, patch things up.

So, I will come with you to help Courtney. But come what may,

I am on that flight tonight.

I'll put the music back on.

MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH: Help!

CALL CONNECTING TONE

What kind of a shit hotel doesn't have someone at reception?!

Oh, my God, it's happening again...!

Oh, I thought the last one was going to be the worst one!

How is it getting worse?!

It's OK! It's OK! Jonathan's on his way!

Oh, there has never been a less reassuring sentence!

What are you doing?!

Right, well, we still have one oar.

Remember what they taught us in NCT?

Oh, God! Me and you both know that I wasn't paying attention!

Right, well, you use the tools that you do have.

Maybe if you'd listened...

Funnily enough, I don't remember the giving birth

in a fucking boat workshop!

CRYING: Oh, God!

I thought the plan was to have a nice, calm, painless C-section!

But instead I'm going to destroy my vagina giving birth to a pond baby!

We are going round in fucking circles, Dan!

I know! I am trying, Courtney!

Oh, God, what are we doing?! I'm not ready!

Argh!

Oh, God, I'm already failing at being a parent!

This has to be a record!

I cannot give birth in a fucking boat!

What are you doing?!

Agh!

Oh, my God! This is so cold!

This is so fucking cold!

THEY BOTH PANT

I'm going to drag you to shore...! OK, OK...

PHONE RINGS

PHONE: Oh, hi there. This is Red Grove Hotel.

We've had a couple of missed calls from you. OK, OK...!

Is there anything I can help you with today?

Yeah, it's a bit late for that. Agh...!

Argh!

I thought you said it was an emergency.

Courtney's just been brought a fucking scone.

What, well...?

Sorry, Claire, do you want me to ask them to get back on the boat?

Look, Courtney wanted you here, OK?

Really? Yes.

Jesus, Claire. She said she needs you, OK? Come on.

Hey, you all right?

What...? Oh.

What is that smell?

Well, I jumped in a lake.

OK. Did you also shit yourself?

Really? It's actually...

It's actually all right when you sort of get used to it.

Oh, my God. Is this what my baby's going to think that I smell like?

No, it's honestly not that bad.

Thank you so much for coming.

Yeah, of course.

We are here for you, Court. I am here for you.

What? She means we're all here for you,

and everything's going to be OK. Come on, let's go.

COURTNEY MOANS

That is just a contraction, Court.

I know it's a fucking contraction, Claire! OK.

Glad to be here.

Shit! I just remembered, we need to pick up Spencer.

Why don't we go do a weekly fucking shop while we're at it, Jonathan?

Courtney, all he's talked about is this baby.

He made me promise that I'd get him out of school on B-day.

We are not picking up Spencer!

OK, we're just picking up Spencer. I'll be two minutes.

This is totally insane!

Just breathe, Courtney, try to stay calm.

This hasn't been very convenient for me, but I am here for you.

What? What she means is we're all here for you, Courtney.

OK? No more questions. I'll be back in a minute.

Come on, Spencer! Where are we going?

Where do you think we're going?

All right. Come on, let's go. Wait, Dad!

I'm not sure I want to come.

Spencer, all you've done is talk about this baby

to the point that some of us have found it quite creepy.

Why do you now not want to come? Sam's moving.

What? Where? To Bristol.

To get away from her dad. Well, that actually makes sense.

Spencer, we've got to go. All right? Let's go.

But she's leaving today, and I haven't had a chance to say goodbye.

What, is this a practical joke? OK, Spencer.

Just go in and say your goodbyes quickly.

I am going to break both of your legs! Courtney, that's fair enough.

All right, Spencer, what do you want to do, mate? I'm not sure!

Spencer... Spencer!

I am trying really hard not to shout at you!

And you're managing it really well.

Spencer, please, mate.

Spencer! The hospital. OK, fine.

You could have done that seconds ago. OK, get in, let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Put your belts on, everybody. Oww! Oww!

Put your seat belt on.

I can't put my seat belt on.

Very important to wear your seat belt.

Get a move on!

I'm trying! If you pull on it, it makes it worse!

COURTNEY MOANS

Jonathan, why are you driving like a nana?

I cannot... Oh, my God!

..figure out where this pay and display car park is.

Please, can you just get me in the hospital?

Yeah, of course. Sorry, yeah.

COURTNEY HOWLS Sorry!

Oh, my God. We have been waiting over there.

It's been over an hour. As you can see, we are very busy.

A nurse will see you when they're ready.

You said that an hour ago. Thanks for the repeated timecheck.

Please take a seat.

We will call you when we're ready.

Have you spoken to the doctor?

My wife's meant to have a planed C-section.

Looks like baby's got other ideas.

You know what... OK, no, no, no. OK, look, why don't you sit down?

Sit down, sit down. She's pissing me off.

Oh, my God, I'm going to give birth in this chair!

I should have just done it on the boat.

I'll - I'll deal with this. OK?

Excuse me. You can't go in there.

What use is he going to be?

Give him a chance. He's quite good in a crisis. Is he?

He's definitely not good in a crisis.

He's a piece of shit.

COURTNEY MOANS

Mrs Nadar.

Right this way.

And we have some...scrubs that you can change into.

COURTNEY SIGHS WITH RELIEF

Do you want me to come? BOTH: No!

What did you say?

Well, I said that Courtney was on drugs,

and Dan was so high that she soiled herself.

Really?

Yeah.

Ah.

You were born down that corridor, Spence.

First Suite 3.

You remember the room? Yeah, of course I do.

Cos I put you in there and I told them that we could see

the head and we were not moving.

And, well, we got you the room you wanted.

Yes. And a mere 23 hours later, Spencer was born.

I remember they took Spencer away, and...

I wanted to stay with you,

but I had to go with Spencer, and...

I felt torn.

YOU felt torn?

You were good that day.

You always are when it comes to Spence.

What about the nursery he chose, that closed down

for failing basic health and safety standards?

Yes, we all remember that. Thank you so much, Spencer.

I think I preferred you when you were looking at your phone.

What's the matter? You OK?

I shouldn't have come.

I thought I was going to get to see the birth.

Trust me, mate, you don't want to see that at your age.

Mum, can you take me to see Sam?

Oh, Spencer, I'm sorry.

I would, but I've got this work trip.

Dad?

Look, I'm sorry, mate. I need to be here for your Auntie Dan.

Fine! Spence! Spencer!

I should probably, erm...

Yeah.

Erm...

Well, enjoy your work trip.

Thanks.

What a bear arm.

Bye, Claire.

COURTNEY WHIMPERS

What the fuck is that? It's not that big.

It's fine, it's fine.

I just need you to relax, cos this is just going in...

If you say "spine" I will kill you! I'm so sorry.

You're doing such a wonderful job.

You're doing great. I'm so proud of you.

I'm not doing great! I've literally just pissed the bed!

Oh, Jesus.

Hold still.

Sorry. Is that still enough?

You never seem to wanna know me at all

Oh, baby

Let me go

If I stay around

Then you're gonna see my heart break...

Spencer?

Sorry. Hi.

Hi, Jonathan.

Brett.

Off on holiday, I hear.

Listen, I, er...

I know this is weird, but I just couldn't let her go.

So it seems.

Well done, you. Mm.

I think this is you being pass-ag.

But it just sounds genuinely encouraging, so, erm...

..thanks.

Look, you had your chance and you didn't fight for her.

I mean, you didn't even tell her you still loved her.

Yes, I did. You didn't, mate. She told me.

Anyway, where is Claire?

She's at the airport.

What? Yeah. Her phone died and she said just to meet her down there.

I mean, I don't really appreciate being a messenger for you two

lovebirds, but whatever. Oh, er, right.

Well, I hope it all goes well with your sister and that. Yeah?

Yeah. Thanks.

Wait!

Erm...

I lied.

She's still here, I think.

How was that lie going to work?

I don't know. I'm not proud of it. I was just in the moment.

There you are! I found Spencer at the taxi rank.

Brett? Claire.

Who's he?

He's a taxi driver. He's a Deliveroo driver who's not in uniform.

You guys are super-weird.

Look, Spencer, why don't you go wait by the car?

We'll go and see Sam, OK?

Really? Yeah. She's your girlfriend, mate.

We've got to do a proper goodbye.

And then Dan and Courtney's baby will be here when we get back.

All right? I love you, Dad. Love you. Love you too.

Love you, Mum.

Erm, look, Brett, do you mind if I have a quick word with Claire

before you guys head off?

And what if I do?

Well, I'll probably just instantly back down and wish you guys

a safe flight. Brett, can we just have a second?

Yeah.

Look, Claire, you know how I feel about you.

Jonathan, we can't do this. Just let me finish, please.

I see now that the...

The way I was wasn't good enough. OK?

And now you've found someone who makes the effort,

as well as some..

..really shit furniture.

And I just want you to be happy.

And if that's with him, I get it.

But I just...

I just really wanted to say... You coming?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Wonderful!

Dad, wait. What? We've got a problem.

She just texted back and said she's leaving in five minutes.

That's not a problem.

That's a challenge.

That was quite a cool thing to say, wasn't it? You just ruined it.

Yes! She's still here.

I told you five minutes wasn't an issue.

It's taken 20. I just asked her to wait.

Yeah, right, yeah, that does make more sense.

OK, listen.

You've got this, Spence, OK?

Probably. Good luck, mate.

Go get 'em, champ.

Hope it goes well in Bristol.

Thanks, and thanks for all the advice and stuff.

No problem. See you!

I'm going to be honest,

this odd grin is a weird reaction to a break-up.

We aren't breaking up. What do you mean?

We've been texting all day.

We're going to make it work long distance.

Wow. Really? Yeah, of course.

I mean, I love her, Dad.

I couldn't just let it end. Could I?

Right, mate. Buckle up. We're going to the airport.

What about Auntie Dan and Courtney?

This is more important.

Oh, my God.

Pain relief is fucking incredible.

Why don't you make everyone do this?

You made it so easy for them.

See? Everything's going to be OK.

Oh.

SHE SOBS

We can't do this!

Right, well, I think we're a bit past the choice part now.

I don't know what I'm doing, and you're not going to be there!

Right. Right.

I'm going to fix this. What are you doing?

I'm going to call the professor. I'm going to tell her

that I'm not taking the job, OK? Because I need to be there for you.

What are they, happy tears?

No!

That's the last thing I want.

Fuck's sake, Courtney!

Seriously, I don't know what to do. What do you want from me?

I'm really trying here! Righty-ho.

Who's ready to have a baby?

COURTNEY WAILS

OK, Spencer, do you know what time your mum's flight is to Venice?

Yeah. 8.20. Why?

Because we're going to get your mother.

Really? Has her work trip been cancelled?

Yeah, something like that.

Yes!

We're going to get my mama

We're going to get your mama

We're going to get your mama

Her work trip has been cancelled... Hold on, Spencer.

Her work trip has been cancelled... Spencer.

We're going to get my mama... Spencer!

Do you know which airport she's flying from?

Yeah. Yes, Spencer, I love you.

Thank God. OK. Which one is it?

I want to say...London Airport?

HE SIGHS

OK. Let's go back to the hospital.

Oh.

We're going back to the hos... No.

Dad, come on, we might still make the birth.

Yeah, OK... Claire?

Mum!

Hey.

This is a surprise.

How long is this going to take? I want to see the birth.

Why don't you go ahead, mate? We'll catch you up.

Thank you!

All right?

All right?

Look, I think we're overestimating my emotional intelligence here,

but what...what happened?

Well, I didn't go to Venice.

Well, I guessed that much.

What's the matter, you're not into gondolas?

Apparently not.

I don't know, I came back because...

..of all that...

.."go and be happy" stuff.

It's your fault, really.

Just sort of thought maybe there was more to say.

What did you want to say?

More for you to say.

Right. Yeah. Um...

Claire, I-I-I...

I know I can be this kind of...

..useless, kind of shit type of person.

No? You don't want to interrupt?

OK. All right. Sweet.

Look, I know it's...it's...

..hard for you because I'm so... Lethargic.

Oh, cool. You decided to chip in then.

I was going to say relaxed.

Anyway...

I really did just think that...

..me going along with stuff...

..was me trying to be nice.

In a way, my...

..shitness...

..was to make you happy.

Did that sound better in your head? I can do better.

Go on, then, give it another go.

No, I mean...

..I can do better.

I really do give a shit about you.

I really do really give a shit about you, too.

Just to be clear, I was sort of saying I love you there.

Yes, no, yeah, I got that. Yeah. Cool.

Shall we see if there's a baby? Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Told you we just had to wait for the dust to settle.

Can you stop?

THEY LAUGH

I guess we should probably keep this quiet for now.

Yeah, of course. I'm good at keeping relationships secret.

Too soon. Too soon.

I don't want you to turn down your dream job.

It's not about you. Well, then what do you want?

I'm really trying here, Court.

I just want to be a good mum.

Oh, my God.

Of course you're going to be a good mum!

Does this feel resolved?

Are we ready or...? I'm not ready!

Yes, you are.

90% of parenting is just showing up.

You can't be ready.

You just figure it out as you go along. Wow.

Did you get that from all the baby books you've been reading?

Actually, that's from Bluey.

Sorry, who is that child and what is he doing in my theatre?

He's my son. Oh, God.

And that's my sister.

And that's going to be my nephew.

And I'm a sort of ex-in-law of hers.

He's my ex, but it's quite complicated.

For the love of God,

can everyone please get out of my surgery?

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, OK. Yeah, sure thing.

The shouting was a bit much, but, yeah.

MUSIC: This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) by Natalie Cole

This will be

An everlasting love

This will be the one I've waited for

This will be

The first time anyone has loved me

I'm so glad you found me in time

And I'm so glad that you rectified my mind

This will be an everlasting love for me

Loving you

Is some kind of wonderful

Because you've shown me just how much you care

You've given me the thrill of a lifetime...

Oh, guys, he's so cute.

Aw, hello, little Zephyr.

Oh, isn't his babygrow on back to front?

Oh, no, no, no. It's not. It's fine. It's fine. My bad.

So how have your first few nights been?

You know what?

It turns out having a baby's a piece of piss.

I don't know what I was worried about.

Yeah, I mean, I've been up quite a bit.

And me. Yeah, me too, actually.

I did want to say, once Dan has to go back to work,

I'm going to move my shifts around

so I can be around a bit more to help.

And I'll help too.

Aw! Do you know what?

Actually, having Spencer there is probably better

than a maternity nurse.

Thanks, guys.

I mean, the level of support is almost insulting,

but we appreciate you, don't we?

Mm-hm. Also, thank you for organising this tea.

Oh, no worries.

We just felt like Zeph would be

sort of more comfortable with the smell of pond.

LAUGHTER Ha-ha. Very funny.

Did you guys want a lift home, or...

..Dan, are you going to swim back?

Piss off!

All right, come on, mate.

Can you grab my bag? Yeah.

I have a question. Mm?

How did you choose the name Zephyr?

Calm, methodical planning, Spencer.

Calm, methodical planning.

This will be

An everlasting love for me

Whoa-ho

Loving you is some kind of wonderful

Because you've shown me just how much you care

You've given me the thrill of a lifetime

And made me believe you've got no thrills to spare

This will be

An everlasting love

Oh, yes, it will now

You've brought a lot of sunshine into my life...

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