Original subtitles

Why does my heart not fall in love

When I see angels waiting up above?

Why does my heart not fall in love with you?

Why, why, why?

Why am I lonesome and feeling blue?

All I ever wanted to say that I'll be true

Why does my heart not fall in love with you?

Come on.

HE PANTS

Come on, Brett! You've got it. 20 more.

HE STRAINS

Brett, do you mind coming to sit down?

Brett, I think we need to talk.

Do you mind if I just finish this super set?

You'll enjoy this talk a lot more when my veins are popping.

Oh! Come on, boy. You've got it.

Oh, come on, Brett. Oh!

Can we have a talk? HE CLEARS THROAT

Can we have a talk? HE CLEARS THROAT

HIGH-PITCHED: Ca...?

Was that you? Did you say something?

What? Er...

No, no.

Must have been the cat whimpering.

Honestly, Achilles can sound like a whiny little toddler sometimes.

Yeah, he really can. Yeah.

I actually haven't seen him since last night.

Achilles! Where are you, pussy?

Listen, Brett, you're a great guy, but I've been thinking and, erm...

I'm really sorry.

Hold on.

Are you breaking up with me when I'm basically naked?

I could get you a T-shirt?

Nice work. Nice work. Keep it up.

Remember, this is your enemy.

Get her, Spencer!

Are you all right?

I'm absolutely fine.

I'm actually really happy.

Yeah, OK.

I mean, would it be nice for Dan to tell me about her new job

before a complete stranger?

Yes. Does it mean that suddenly I'm going to be on my own

after two weeks with a new baby?

Yes.

Am I at all prepared?

No.

Finish her, Spencer!

So just to recap, you're definitely not annoyed about it.

No.

But you want that child finished?

That's correct.

OK.

Dad, can we take Sam out this afternoon?

Oh, Spencer, you know we've got the baby shower, mate.

Can you see her another time? No. Why not?

I've heard that Hugo might ask her out, so I need to get there first.

OK. I don't think it's first come, first served.

Yeah, it kind of is with these things.

Why don't you go and ask her now?

Really? I don't think you should... Yeah, just invite her over.

You guys can hang out in the garden.

Spencer, you need to strategize with these things, OK?

I think we need to figure out some role play, some mind map...

I'm going to do it.

Ooh, maybe I'll suggest a picnic.

Ooh, maybe you shouldn't suggest a picnic.

You sound like a nana, OK?

Unless she likes boys who are into Werther's Originals and crochet,

then it's a total red flag. Trust me.

Garden, no picnic. Got it.

You're welcome.

Great timing. You can help me set up.

I broke up with Brett.

Oh, God.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I guess it's for the best, but...

Sorry, what are you doing? What?

Are you already texting Courtney?

No!

SENT MESSAGE TONE

Well, I needed her to get some bread, so I thought I might as well

mention it as well. Right. So to be clear,

the text reads, "Get bread, and Claire split up with Brett."

I forgot the bread part.

In other news, Courtney found out about the job

and the fact that I only have two weeks' leave.

She took it surprisingly well.

She's definitely still processing it, but she said she's happy for me.

What, and you believed her? Well, if I'm wrong,

then she's a ticking time bomb who could blow any minute.

But she tends to be pretty honest.

Remember that Christmas she opened a present from you

and said, "I'd rather suck a dick than use an air fryer"?

Fair point. Well, I'm pleased for you.

And can I just say? Thank you for the 30 seconds

we discussed my break-up, before moving back on to you.

SENT MESSAGE TONE

What does that text say? What?

"Yes, she broke up with him.

"Exclamation..." Exclamation mark. Thanks.

SPENCER STRAINS

So are you free this afternoon?

So it looks like Claire's split up with Brett.

What? Really?

Yes, really?

Yes! Get in!

Oh, my God.

Sorry. It's good to see women winning, isn't it?

Just...go...women.

Do you think that's because of me?

God, that is such a male response.

No, I think we had a moment at her mum's.

Like, it definitely felt like a moment.

It had, like, a really moment-y vibe.

I think we had a moment.

I wish I was having a moment where you aren't talking.

It's actually happening, Courtney. I'm buzzing.

I feel like I've got a semi,

like an emotional semi that makes my dreams come true.

Never utter those words to me ever again. Do you understand?

Yeah.

So, I guess now you've only got the simple task

of splitting up with Megan.

I'm emotionally flaccid again.

Ugh!

Come on, Jonathan. You can do it this time.

I have it within me to overcome any challenges I might face.

I am right where I need to be.

I am RIGHT where I NEED to BE!

RIGHT where I need to be.

I am right where...

Oh, hey, Megan. How did you...?

How did you know I was here?

I could see and hear you outside of the window.

Oh, right, yeah.

Erm, listen, I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, well, before you do,

can I just tell you that Achilles is dead?

It's another wind-up, isn't it? You're not going to get me again.

I'm not joking this time, Jonathan.

My cat died.

Oh, my God. Erm... Yeah. ..how?

He got in a fight with a fox, and he lost big time.

I've been spending the morning picking up pieces of him,

all over the garden.

Jesus. Were you trying to reassemble him or something?

No, I wasn't trying to reassemble my cat, Jonathan.

Sorry, I don't know why I said that. Listen, Megan...

Theo found his tail in the guttering, and then he said,

"Oh, just really want to go and live with my dad now,"

so I'm kind of a woman on the edge.

Yeah, I bet.

So, erm... And I know he was just a cat.

He was just always there,

and now his blood is all over the French windows.

Yeah, I mean, that is incredibly bleak.

Sorry. Come in. I could do with a cuddle.

Well, I would love to, but it's just I've got Courtney's baby shower,

so if I could just sort of...

Yeah. God, yeah, of course.

Actually, can I come along?

Sorry, what? I know it sounds a bit pathetic,

but I don't really want to be alone at the moment.

And, yeah, I suppose it'd be a good distraction

from clearing up animal remains.

Well, er, Claire's going to be there, so...

Well, that actually might be perfect.

Would it? Yeah, because you bottled telling her about us in Yorkshire,

so maybe if I'm there, I could sort of boost up your confidence,

have your back? You know?

If there's one thing the death of Achilles has taught me,

it's that life is so short, Jonathan.

Erm, yeah, that is... Come here.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.

Mm!

You are definitely OK with me taking my dream job, aren't you?

Well, you could argue that continually labelling it a dream job

gives me very little emotional room for manoeuvre.

But, yes, I'm fine.

Look, I need a favour. Oh, let me guess.

You've done something idiotic and easily avoidable,

and you want us to lie and bail you out.

Well, I want to say no, but you've pretty much nailed it, OK?

I may have invited Megan. Weren't you going to break up with her?

Yes, but her cat died.

Can we just skip the judgment part, OK?

It's the end of the fucking world.

Well, good to know you have things in perspective.

Megan wants me to tell Claire. But Claire and I had a moment,

I think I'm going to end things with Megan, so what's the point

in telling Megan if I've got a thing going on with Claire?

And what I don't want to happen is for Megan to tell Claire,

"I've been sleeping with Jonathan," and then Claire goes,

"I had a moment with Jonathan."

"You had a moment with Jonathan while I was sleeping with Jonathan?

"I don't think I like Jonathan."

Then Claire goes, "I don't think I like Jonathan,"

and then I die alone and live here forever.

So please, will you help me keep them apart?

Sorry, I stopped listening at "Cat died."

Dan, will you help me? Yeah, of course.

That's the whole reason I threw this shower.

OK, well, I know that's sarcasm, but I'm just going to take it.

I mean, you could just talk to Claire...

Oh, my God, that's Megan.

Oh! Hi, Megan. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Jonathan. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, erm...

You haven't told her yet, have you? I haven't told her, no.

I know, I know, I know, but it's difficult.

That's OK. I'll help you find a moment. Until then, I'll just,

I don't know, become her best friend or something.

You really don't... You don't need to... Chill out, would you?

I'm actually an amazing actress.

OK.

Good afternoon, Jonathan. Is that you doing the...?

Yeah. Well, let me warm up.

Just, I think smaller... Yeah, yeah, chill, chill, chill.

So, how are you feeling?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's OK.

It was for the best.

He was too... Good-looking.

What? No. Simple?

No. I was going to say too keen.

You'd think it would be the other way round.

Yes, Courtney, I'm aware you thought I was punching.

Wait, is that Megan from Spencer's school?

Er, yep. What's she doing here? Are you mates?

No. No, I've never met her.

Erm, truth is, I shouldn't really be telling you this,

but Megan is writing a book on family structures.

I met her at the fundraiser,

and she's here as a case study on same-sex parents.

Erm...she wants to keep it quiet.

Oh, right.

Sorry, what?

I'm just going to go say hello.

No, no, absolutely do not do that.

Just stay here.

Cameron. Sam. Lovely to see you.

Everything all right? No, not really. Come through, Sam.

Oh, sorry to hear that, mate. Divorce.

Sorry? Tough time.

Yes, I can imagine. Yeah.

She won't even look at me.

Sorry?

She won't even look at me.

Ever since you came over and started talking about your weird film.

Yeah, I don't remember exactly what was said, but I've got to...

I just feel really alone.

I don't know how to cook. OK. Having potatoes every day.

Potatoes are nice. Not for breakfast. Oh.

I just really need someone to talk to,

like another dad that's been through this, you know? Sure.

Well, look, good luck with that. Take care, mate.

Well, I...

HE SIGHS

It's great that you and Spencer get on so well.

Yeah, he's really sweet. Sweet?! Like, in a cool way sweet, right?

Right, like he's, you know, he's sort of fly?

Not fly, but attractive?

Not attractive, but he's kind of got a dope flex.

What? Forget about it.

Spencer, look who's here.

Oh, wow. That is, erm...

That is a strong look, isn't it? Dad!

I think you look cute.

Yeah, OK. Well, I'd better dash.

So, what do you want to do?

Shall we watch Mean Girls? Yeah!

So, you're an author? Of my own destiny, sure.

We all have that within us... Claire, I need a word, please.

Oh, Jonathan, do you know Megan?

No. Yeah, we do.

No. Do we?

We do sort of know... From where or how, though.

I don't... Wouldn't it be when you bought him at the auction?

Oh, yes, the auction. You did... I bought you at an auction!

Yeah, but we never really followed it up. Left it there. We are mad.

Yeah, it was just a one-off thing that sort of ended

at the fundraiser. Claire, can I have a quick word?

What? I'm worried that Spencer's about to get his heart broken.

He's about to go and... Oh, hey again.

Hi! Hi, Megan. You're here.

Yes, I was just thinking that I think maybe now would be a good time

for us all to chat. I don't know, chinwag?

Oh, well, actually, Claire and I were kind of in the middle

of a chat, so...

Right. Good, good.

Don't mind me. I'm invisible.

Just treat me like a ghost.

She's quite odd, isn't she?

Jonathan, you're being quite odd.

What, am I?

Maybe it's because I'm worried about Spencer's heart being broken

into a million pieces. Why would you think that?

Well, because I think Sam's twatty parents might actually be correct.

He's probably in the friendzone.

Well, how do you know?

It wasn't long ago you thought she was going to Euphoria him.

Well, that's before I processed the fact that he's my son,

and so he's destined to move from friendzone to friendzone

until he eventually find someone with low enough self-esteem

to take pity on him, date him, and then have a child with him.

Oh, well done. You managed to insult all three of us there.

I'm sorry, but it's true, OK?

And do you know the only thing that's worse than being in

the friendzone? The humiliation of letting them know you thought

it might be more than friends. It's horrible.

Well, that is a fascinating insight into your mind, Jonathan.

We can't always protect him.

It's not healthy for any of us.

Besides, wasn't protecting him

the reason you didn't want to get back together?

SHE SIGHS

Are you OK? Yeah.

I'm sure Courtney told you. I broke up with Brett.

No.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah, well...

..I'm not.

So...I guess that means...

..we're both single now.

Yes, I guess we are, yeah.

Which does kind of...

..make you think, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

GUITAR PLAYS

Shitting hell, Jonathan, I can hear a guitar.

Get in there!

Spencer, you're on the, er, you're on the guitar.

Not seen you playing that in a while.

What are you doing? Sorry to interrupt.

We need to have a quick chat, mate. Urgent.

Sort of quick. Yes, probably more of a lads' chat.

Is it? Where will you be?

Back at the party. What, are you my handler?

Well, do you not think that you should be with Sam?

BOTH: Why?

Well, because...

..er...

..erm...

I can't think of anything that isn't potentially sexist.

All right, come on, Spencer, let's go. Sorry. OK.

Dad, you're being super weird.

Were you about to sing to her?

Maybe. But can't you only play Wild Thing?

Spencer, I don't really know how to say this,

but has it ever occurred to you that she might just say no?

Why would she say no?

Well, because she thinks you're just mates.

Really?

Maybe. Like...

Maybe just bide your time and then wait to see if she gives you a sign

that she's actually interested. But she has.

I'm always the first person she goes to with gossip.

A different sign, Spencer.

A very different sign.

Why have you done your hair like this, by the way?

I think she likes it.

I mean, it's completely solid. I think it might be bulletproof.

Claire!

Saved you a little chez.

Oh, Claire, I think Dan actually wants you to sit down this end,

so let me just... There's no space down here.

Yeah, of course there is. What are you talking about?

Do you mind just sort of...?

Yeah, it's OK. Thank you.

Let me just...

See? There you go.

What are you doing?

I just, you know, I thought you and Amy would get on like a house

on fire, so... Yeah, well, that's fantastic,

but this is Anna.

Oh, right, I meant... Pippa.

I don't even think there is an Amy, actually. OK.

I have a saying.

Raising a baby is a three-man job.

LAUGHTER

Or woman.

I'm quite fun like that, but also deadly serious.

Will the parents be helping out at all?

Er, nope. They hate kids. Oh!

Mine are dead, so, unlikely.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

But I'm sure it will just take a bit of adjustment.

Says the one going back to work.

Court, you've got to find a bit of me-time.

Please promise me you'll do that.

I spent those first six months going slowly mad, honestly,

just a never-ending loop of shitting, sleeping, feeding,

shitting, sleeping, feeding.

Argh! You know, kill me now.

Then there's the nursery. Nursery! Nursery! Gets worse.

Awful. It's just like a nonstop trail of disease and destruction

after that... Yes, yes.

I swear to God, I was never sick before Emmy,

and then it's flu, nits, anal worms.

She knows what I'm talking about.

Honestly, those places are deathtraps.

Guys, I'm sure there are some positives as well. Hmm!

Erm... Er...

Jonathan, please...?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, I loved it.

Oh!

I remember when Spence was struggling to sleep,

and Claire was nearly in tears from the pain of feeding him,

and it was 3.00am, and we just basically teamed up

and stepped up for each other. It was, erm... It was amazing.

So you were up at 3.00am and Claire was crying through nipple pain?

Great. Does anybody else have anything to add?

I don't know. Vaginal prolapse, perhaps?

Oh, yes. That happened to me.

My surgeon had to thumb it back up...

OK, I think that is enough table time.

Let's go and play a game, preferably in silence.

Games, yes, although maybe not the silence part.

I do tend to talk.

Oh, oh, oh!

I don't think so.

And go!

Fiddly little fucker, aren't you?

Oh! Erm...

Yes!

Oh!

Oh, Courtney!

I'm fine.

Jonathan, let's see what game you brought.

I've actually done a quiz.

Oh! Original.

MEGAN: I love quizzes!

And it is called - wait for it -

Mummy Mastermind.

Woohoo! I actually want to kill myself.

The pressure is on.

OK, question one.

How do you remove the umbilical cord stump?

Stump? It's not a fucking tree, Jonathan.

You let it fall off naturally.

See? This is fun, isn't it?

In what position should your baby sleep?

Easy.

That is easy, actually, yes. On its front.

Front? Oh, my God.

I sleep on my front. He's probably going to do the same, isn't he?

I think they tend to say back, just for sort of breathing purposes.

Lucky you'll be there, Dan!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Oh, no, no, no. This is great.

I'm having... Oh, no, we're having a really good time.

I've got loads of questions. Sh.

Erm...

When is it safe to feed the child honey?

MEGAN: Oh, easy. That's so easy.

I don't know.

BOTH: After a year!

How do you tell if your baby has tongue-tie?

What's tongue-tie?

Usually when it's struggling to feed.

Think someone's got a tongue-tie right here.

She's not good. She's not good at this.

How many times a day does a baby poo its nappy?

I don't know. Twice.

MEGAN: No! Twice! You'll be lucky!

Dan, I think you might need some more parental leave.

This one definitely needs it.

Honestly! Have you read any of the books?

You do not have a chance.

"What are NCT classes?" What it is it, The Jungle Book?

We're just going to throw it out into the jungle and the wolves

will bring it up. Is that it? Is that what you're doing?

Is that what you're thinking? Fuck off!

Oh!

I'll be back.

WTF just happened?

Last question - did Courtney like the quiz?

I don't think so.

I think you should go and check on them.

Yeah, OK, well, I'm going to go see what's goin...

I think everybody should just sort of stay in their seats

for the sake of Dan and Court. No mingling at all.

OK, bye.

GIGGLING AND CHATTER

HORN HONKS

Bye!

Dad! Guess what?

First guess - you are re-enacting an 1830s courtship.

Sam said yes!

I've got a girlfriend!

You've got a girlfriend?

What about what we talked about? Erm...

You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?

Don't be annoyed. It's just....

..your answer to everything is just wait and see what happens,

and I really wanted her to be my girlfriend, so I thought,

I don't know, I'd just ask.

And she said yes!

I can't believe you've got a girlfriend.

Yeah! You've got a girlfriend! I know! You've got a girlfriend.

Yeah! You've got a girlfriend! I've got a girlfriend!

Oh, my God. Megan.

Dad.

But you have to move on, Claire. You have to, because if you don't...

What are you guys talking about?

Er, cats. Achilles.

Oh, right. That's not what it sounded like you were...

..you were talking about, so...

Oh, Jonathan.

SHE GROANS I'm stressed.

Can we just...? Can we just talk openly?

Can we, please? What? Why?

Sorry, what? No. What's going on?

There is nothing going on, is there, at all?

I just feel that you should... I should...

We should just share our stories openly.

Truthfully.

Oh, is this a...? Is this about your book?

Because you do know I'm not a lesbian.

I'm not a lesbian either. I mean, this is a silly conversation.

I mean, I think you're probably stressed out about the cat thing.

I don't know a lot about it,

but maybe we should just sort of break off and have a chat...

Jonathan, you've got one chance to tell me what's going on here.

Erm...

Oh, my God.

Are you two..?

Really?

What?!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

No! That's mad!

That's crazy! Yeah, no, that is crazy.

That's crazy. Sorry.

Sorry, Megan. No offence.

HORN HONKS

I think your cab's here, so...

Yeah. Nice to see you.

Lovely to see you too.

As if! BOTH LAUGH

Court! I'm fine.

Yeah, I know.

It's just all too much, Dan.

All of the baby questions and the moaning and the baby facts.

I mean, how am I supposed to know all of this stuff?

You could have read one of the baby books that I...

You were supposed to be my book!

Remember, you said that we would be in this together

like Thelma and Louise,

but I am flying off the fucking cliff

and there is no-one in the seat beside me.

Is this about the job?

Of course it's about the fucking job!

You're going to be off having the most amazing, exciting time,

and I'm just going to be at home

learning how to fucking remove an umbilical stump.

Remember, you don't actually have to remove it. It's...

Never mind.

Oh, I've got an idea. Let's just run away.

What? Really? Mm-hm.

I mean, I don't know whether you can legally run away from a baby.

No, I meant the baby shower.

Oh. It's all getting too much.

Let's just... Let's just go to a spa or something.

But what about all of our stuff?

We'll just wear bathrobes all weekend and no baby talk.

No baby talk? Nope.

What do you say?

Thelma and Louise?

Thelma and Louise.

I actually hate that film.

Brett.

I made it. For you.

Oh!

It's a...carving.

Of you.

Of me? Yeah.

Is that what you think I look like?

Yeah.

Look, Megan, I think you're an amazing person, I really do.

And I feel... Here we go. Well, I feel... Melting my heart. Go on.

I mean, I guess there comes a time when you sort of have to

assess the direction in which you're headed, you know, get a read on it.

And, well, I feel really lucky to have, you know, done stuff,

you know... Stuff! Well, you know, like hang out and stuff, you know.

Oh, my God, are you...?

We're not going to do stuff here.

It's your sister's baby shower, you pervert!

No, I know. I'm not suggesting that. I mean, like, yeah, but...

..no! No, that's absolutely not...

That's not what I was suggesting at all. Cool!

Just... Erm...

I admit at times I might have come on a bit strong.

You mean by trying to force a meeting with my child

and reupholstering my sofa?

Yeah, I'll be honest, the sofa thing I still don't understand.

Like, was it the material?

Oh, my...

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you consider things

in the round, if you think of us as two ships...

Oh, my God, Jonathan, just speak normally.

I want us to break up, is-is the thing that I was trying to say,

and that is the situation as it currently stands,

and will do, going forward.

And so you've invited me to your sister's baby shower,

after my cat has died, to tell me that?

In my defence, the cat died and then I felt like you wanted to come

to the baby shower as some sort of way of getting over the death.

Hush. The way you've behaved today has been a shitshow, by the way,

and I know you think that by avoiding saying anything

that might upset someone, that you're being kind.

But let me assure you that it's actually the opposite,

because this is, this not kind, Jonathan.

Oh, well, don't have a nervous breakdown about it.

That's so boring.

Anyways, it's fine. I'm sleeping with Brett.

Sorry, what?

No, I'm joking.

Trying to lighten the mood. Jesus.

Claire...

..I love you.

And I want you back.

That's so sweet...

..but I can't.

What do you mean, you can't?

I'm sorry.

I can't because...

..I need to talk to Jonathan.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, Jonathan, I've had a really lovely day.

Yeah!

I'm going to miss this.

What the fuck?

You were the one

The one I cherished

Never thought I'd be alone

Nobody else could have seen it

I turned my head and you were gone

Time and again, I carried on

With an ache in my head, but you

Oh, with a smile on your face

You play it cool...

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