Original subtitles

Oh, Jesus!

Oh! Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me!

Oh, my God!

Oh, hello there, Spencer's dad.

I know we're keeping it a secret -

you don't have to call me Spencer's dad.

Well, can I call you Jonathan?

Oh, I don't know, Jonathan, that feels a little naughty.

Might have to punish you if you're going to be a naughty, naughty boy.

OK. Just keep it down.

You might get a smack for that. It's a bit much.

Can you not, please? I actually feel a bit awkward.

What are you doing this weekend, by the way?

Um, why? Oh, no reason.

I just thought maybe you might want to go to the cinema,

make out like teenagers, give a cheeky little...

SHE WHISTLES ..back of the cinema.

Jesus Christ, Megan!

Somebody could be here who reads hand signals.

I don't even think it's legal to make that sign on school grounds,

but, yes, I would in theory be bang up for that.

Yeah? All of it.

I'm actually...

I'm away this weekend.

Oh, yeah. Cool. Where are you going?

It's actually Claire's mum's 70th.

And you're going?

Well... What, are you trying to get back with her?

What?! No! No. No.

The truth is, I was thinking about telling her about...

..about you and me, so...

Dad. Oh, hello, mate. Are you all right? How's it going?

Do you know that Auntie Dan's baby will actually have fur

and it's called lanugo and it eats it and poos it out,

and it's called meconium.

OK, that is very interesting,

but please promise me you don't tell your mates stuff like that.

Have a good weekend, Spencer's dad. Thank you.

All right. Come on, mate.

Why are you talking about meconium?

I think it's interesting.

Yeah, but your friends won't.

How...how old is she going to be?

What is that?

What do you think?

I think it's a totally mismatched cushion.

Well, it's a sample for you.

I was going to say that I could upholster the whole sofa in that.

But if you don't like it...

I didn't... No, no, I...I do.

Yeah, I do. It's just...

Well, it's just... It's a big step, isn't it?

Well, you can take your time to decide on the fabric.

Or Spencer can help choose.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe at some point.

I can start this weekend.

Could you just not reupholster my sofa, please?

Sorry. Just thought it would be cool.

If you want to stick to the minimalism thing...

It's quite an extreme thing to do, isn't it?

Just take over the living room like that.

It's just a bit suffocating.

Oh, so me trying to improve your sofa is suffocating?

I just need you to back off a bit.

Wow.

OK. Well, me and my mismatched cushion will back off, then.

Are you looking forward to seeing Granny and Grandad, Spence?

Spencer.

He can't hear you unless you're Central Cee or the Sidemen.

It's actually getting a bit out of hand. He's never off his phone.

Yeah, I know. Spencer, enough of the phone stuff now.

Spencer! He can't hear anything. They're noise cancelling.

Spencer, I'm going to ask Auntie Dan to throw away your PlayStation.

And...

..and curl one out on your bed.

A big one.

A big Dan special.

Yeah. Can't hear anything.

Actually, I did want to talk to you about something.

SIRI: New message from Hot Furniture Guy.

Shall I play this message? No! No!

Hey, Sweets. Sorry about earlier.

I can't wait to make it up to you. No, cancel!

Shush! No! The sofa definitely will need

upholstering when we're done. Stop! Stop! Cancel!

Cancel! Maybe you could do that thing you do with your...

Bad Siri!

Sorry.

How come you didn't invite him anyway?

Well, there are just, you know, certain details

my family do not need to know at this stage.

Details such as you having a new boyfriend?

Look, it's a happy day.

I actually just need you to not talk about the break-up

at all to my parents, OK?

Or anyone.

It was hardly going to form part of my birthday card.

Oh, my God. Have we got a birthday card?

Yes, I've already signed it from you

and you've got her a bracelet.

I'm a good boy.

Pain really is just a state of mind.

And with the right attitude and a little bit of lavender oil,

you can have a totally pain-free birth.

OK. That's it for today.

I hope you all enjoy your mums and dads' night out tonight.

Quite looking forward to it,

a night out with you and the other mums.

Aren't you going on the dads' night out?

I'm not a dad, am I?

Well, let's say that you're more of a dad than I am.

Yeah, but I'm not a DAD dad, am I?

If I was a DAD dad, I'd be focusing on my career

and taking my dream job with my absolute idol, say,

for instance.

By all means, come on the mums' night out.

But just so you know,

Yolanda refers to herself as "Mummy".

That's OK.

I'll go to the dads'.

Sorry for being a pain.

Yeah, well, remember, pain is just a state of mind.

See, I was listening! Now for the cake.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, professor.

Are you still thinking about the offer?

Yeah, I am still thinking about the offer.

Well? I just need a touch more time.

We need a decision tonight.

Tonight's fine.

OK. OK. Love you. Bye. What?!

SIGHS: So embarrassing.

Oh, come in. Come in.

Spencer, look at you!

How's my favourite son-in-law?

You're glowing, Shirley.

Have you been on holiday or something? Oh, you charmer!

You do look great, Mum.

Oh, thank you. Well, I'm feeling much better.

Oh, it's just so lovely that we can all be together.

Here comes trouble! Oh! Hi, Dad!

Hello, sir.

Oh, you've gone for the... You've gone for the fist bump?

All right. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. These are for you, Shirl.

Oh, Jonathan. You shouldn't have.

Oh, no, problem. Thank you. No problem at all.

Oh, he's so thoughtful, isn't it? Yeah. So thoughtful.

Yeah. He's a keeper, this one.

Oh, yes.

This man...kept me going, you did.

Do you know he sent me a funny video every single day

I was in that hospital?

Did you? That's so nice.

Pretending to be my doctor, Dr Raj.

Hey, hey. Go on. Do it.

Do the voice.

What voice?

He was Indian. No, Sri Lankan.

Oh, wow. Is it as racist as it sounds?

Well, no, not if I do it... Go on, don't be shy.

Well... I don't think he wants to, Dad.

Oh, go on, then. Well, I'll do it. No! You can't.

Oh. Wokerati's arrived.

Can't anyone have a laugh any more?

Spencer, do you want to give your card to Granny?

Spencer.

One second.

Important work emails.

SHE LAUGHS

Now, why don't you get settled in, eh?

You two can take the guest room.

What, me and Spencer?

Honestly, Jonathan! Are you in the doghouse again?

No, I'm...

We'll, um, we'll go and get the bags from the car, then,

won't we, Jonathan? Come on! Oh, yeah. You go out and get them.

I'll give you a hand.

Mummy's made drinks.

Thanks, Mummy!

Oh, I know it's naughty, isn't it?

But it's just the one, so...

Oh, it...

It's a mocktail.

How are you feeling?

I haven't had any symptoms at all.

No, I bet you haven't.

Actually starting to get these headaches.

It could be caffeine withdrawal.

No, I drink loads of coffee.

Oh.

Can I just ask who else has packed their hospital bag?

What's that?

You know, for all... SHE LAUGHS

Mine's been packed for weeks.

Birth plan's ready and laminated, you know, in case of fluids.

SHE BURPS LOUDLY Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I think I've just been sick in my mouth.

I just can't wait for my little bundle to get here.

Imagine when all of us mummies are together

with our little bouncing babies. Yeah.

No, I CAN imagine that, actually. Vividly.

Put the candles on the cake

Gonna celebrate

You've got another year...

Toast to the dads...and Dans.

Here's to a hellish few weeks.

Nah, we're going to get through this.

Um, why hellish?

Well, we're all just going to be servants

for our two-week paternity leave.

I'm actually taking an extended leave.

You mean extended prison sentence?

I'm actually looking forward to it, to be honest.

Oh, bore off, Tim! Loser alert.

Who invited this guy? Nobody.

We were all told to come here by the NCT person.

I know.

Claire...

Mm. All right?

I know you've not told them about Brett yet,

but why do they think we'd be sleeping in the same room

if we're not together? Mm?

Claire, they don't know, do they?

STUTTERS: Yeah, no, well, no, they...

No. No, they don't. They...

Look, they know we've been on the rocks.

I just didn't tell them, you know, all the boring details.

Claire, we've not been on the rocks.

We crashed into the rocks and drowned. It's been a year.

Yeah, well, I don't know if you'd noticed, Jonathan,

but my mum has been quite busy trying to stay alive.

But she's in remission, OK?

Do you not think we should just tell her?

No, absolutely not.

It's her birthday. She'd be devastated.

I'm not going to ruin the day with...truth.

I could tell her as Dr Raj.

You know, "Oh, Shirley, do you know your daughter's

"been smashing someone new?

"She's been doing all sorts of positions.

"Dirty, dirty, flirty, flirty, kama and sutra.

"Upside down, side to side.

"Boom, boom, boom, boom. Bang, bang, bang.

"Dr Raj's diagnosis? Horny."

You finished? I'm finished now.

They can't find out. OK?

Just for this weekend, we're a happy couple.

Please.

Yeah, OK.

Look, I actually need to talk to you about something.

We're opening the Cava! Yeah, coming!

OK. Just tell me later.

Right, let's just try to act normal.

Well, not normal. Like, the opposite.

Happy...together.

Well, failing that, I could just pretend to be Brett.

I'll come downstairs and make a really, really shit chair.

YouTube boxers are just ruining the sport.

I don't know. That Jake Paul certainly looks very strong to me.

Mate, put me in the ring with him.

I'll switch to south paw and then I'll just get him

with a reverse jab.

It will be a KO before he has time to livestream it.

Yeah. Guys, I'm so sorry. I'm probably going to make a...

If you say "move", I'm going to...shit in your mouth.

You are staying.

Oh, this is our last night of freedom.

Can we please just get another round in?

OK, fine.

But does nobody here want to talk about

the crushing responsibility of actually having a baby?

I do. You're a baby.

All right, well, I'll start.

I've been offered a job, and they need a decision tonight,

but it's full-time, they're only giving me two weeks' leave,

and I feel too guilty to take it. Oh, my God.

If I don't get shots right now, I'm literally going to kill myself.

You shouldn't feel guilty about working.

Someone's got to.

Yeah, the mums all have each other, right?

So I should stop feeling guilty and consider taking the job. Yeah.

And one final thing.

Am I right in thinking that Benji is a total twat?

Yeah. Yeah. 100%.

Oh, wanker incoming.

Oh, remind me? Kev, cousin, wife doesn't love him,

buys her things to compensate.

OK, and does he love her? No! Oh.

Hey, Kev.

How do, Claire? Jonathan, in't it?

Yes, it is. Yeah.

Joanne's just parking the Rover.

Range Rover.

Oh, yeah. Worth every penny.

Joanne lives in the thing.

She's always taxi-ing our Sebi to practice.

How are you guys?

Oh, we are so happy. What? For Sebi.

Yeah. Cheers, mate.

It's pretty much a full-time job managing his football commitments.

You know, they've told us he could be the next Beckham. Oh.

David Beckham. Yeah. David Beckham, yeah.

You know, Golden Balls.

Yeah. Footballer.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And besides, Joanne don't mind, she doesn't work.

Just looks after the kids. That is work.

Yeah, well, agree to disagree.

Well, Claire does both, and I love her for that.

I support Claire and I love Claire and I live with her

and just sort of thank my lucky stars every day.

Isn't that right, babe?

Jesus Christ! Somebody's well trained!

Don't you be giving our Joanne any ideas!

Don't you be giving... What? What? Nothing.

No, I just sort of... Do you want a pint?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Joanne's driving.

No. All good. Yeah.

Range Rover.

What was that?

What? I'm trying my hardest.

"I love Claire and I live with her."

I was just trying to make it sound legit.

I think the words you're after are "thank you".

You didn't hold my hand when we WERE a couple, Jonathan.

Didn't I? No.

Well, did you want me to?

Well, yeah.

Seriously? You like holding hands? Yes, OK? Yeah, I do.

Did. Well...

First base, innit?

Oh.

I see our son's inherited my ability to excel socially.

SHE LAUGHS FALSELY Yeah.

What are you...? Yeah.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, lovebirds, how's about a dance then, eh?

Claire will.

Come on, the pair of you, up there.

Let everybody see what you've got.

Yeah, we'd love that together, wouldn't we? That's brilliant.

Love's young dream. Come on! All right.

Just gets better, doesn't it?

I know my face doesn't often have this expression.

Just to clarify, I'm furious.

Oh, God. Just play along. They're watching!

This is a fever dream.

Just bounce a bit. Bounce a bit? Yes. Bounce.

Oh, yeah, that famous move!

You didn't inherit the dancing gene either, did you?

I did. I'm good at dancing. Are you? Well, you should try it.

Yeah. Northern Soul,

360 spin. Watch out.

Wow. really good.

Well, you try spinning, then, cos it's actually quite hard.

Let me show you what I can do.

Ready? Go on, then.

Have a seizure on the dance floor? No, that's shoulders. Wow!

Shoulders, look, check this out. No. Check this...

Then it's shoulder. A little more. A little less.

And then I'm going back. Down the road.

You're leaving. Down the road. You're leaving.

Forever, darling

Do I love you?

Tell me now!

Do I love you?

Indeed I do

My darling, indeed I do

Sweet, sweet darling

Indeed I do You know I love you, girl!

Indeed I do

You know I need you, darling

Indeed I do...

I don't want her to feel abandoned,

but I have a responsibility to provide.

What? Provide a good seeing to? Ha-ha-ha.

No?

Benji, can I ask you something?

Why do you use alcohol and humour as a coping strategy?

I mean, what are you struggling with?

Because, to me, you actually appear to be someone who's hurting.

Who hurt you, Benji?

Stepdad.

Yeah, I can't help thinking when I'm a dad...

..I'm, um...

Oh, sorry.

How did you do that?

I'm a therapist.

You need to take that job. Yeah. You really do.

Yeah. Do it. Yeah, I think I do.

Let me get these, Jonathan.

Oh, wait. It's a free bar, isn't it? So...

Oh, well, I suppose I already have done, then. Yeah!

Listen, we're so happy that you could make it,

and you two seem good, anyway.

And that makes me happy.

Bit tipsy now. Oh, that's all right.

No, we're very happy. Like, you know, ecstatic. So happy.

Just, our Claire said you were on the rocks and you're good now.

Yeah, we're honestly, like, we're so...

Like, we're so, so good.

It's like we're so in love, we're constantly sort of saying,

"I love you, I love you back."

You know, I call her Cubsy. She calls me Bubsy.

Cubsy? Yeah.

Yeah. Can I ask you something?

Yes. This might be the beer talking.

I know it's a bit old-fashioned of me,

but we just can't help wondering if you will ever,

you know, make an honest woman of our Claire.

Not that she's not an honest woman, of course.

No, no, she's... She's...she's very honest.

Do you think you'll ever, you know, get married?

Well, me? Well, us?

Well, yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's something that we've thought about.

We considered... I've thought about, rather,

because it would be me to, you know, to initiate that sequence.

But... Well, it's just... It's very expensive, isn't it?

It's, um...

Oh, so it's about the money, then, is it?

Well, you know, that's part of it, I would say,

you know, there's a number of reasons,

but I would say that's the lead... Well, I could help.

Well, that's very kind of you, but... Shirley loves a wedding.

She would absolutely love it.

And, as you know, she's not been very well this year.

You know, in fact, she's absolutely hit rock-bottom.

And I just know that a wedding would get her right back up there,

you know, and fingers crossed, the tumour doesn't come back.

But if you were planning on popping the question,

then, you know, just...

..just help us out and crack on, will you?

Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, will do. Promise?

Um...

Yeah, yeah, promise. Yeah, yeah.

Promise?

Um, yes, promise. Yeah.

JONATHAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

And then I've got a more upbeat playlist

for when I start pushing. Oh, good idea.

And I've been leaving the bathroom door open,

so if I do poo myself in labour, he won't be shocked.

Yeah, I do that, too.

Do you do anything other than prepare for your babies?

I just don't do any of that, really.

I mean, Dan is sort of more of the details person,

and I just sort of, like, kick back and relax,

which is an ideal situation, really.

Ah, you see...

..I thought you were dead chilled about having a baby.

But I get it now - it's cos Dan's doing everything for you.

She's not doing everything, actually.

She doesn't have to deal with the abomination that is maternity wear.

I mean, enough of the Breton! We're not sailors.

No, she's... She's amazing.

She's actually read all the books.

And she buys me, like, a little gift every week

to thank me for carrying her baby.

No way. Benji doesn't do that.

Oh, so jealous.

How do I get this life?

I don't know. You should find yourself some fanny!

And Dan works from home,

so she's going to be with her the whole time.

No way! Yeah. Yeah.

She's sort of given up her dream job

so she could be at home with me and the baby.

It's actually really amazing of her.

She's an incredible woman.

I'm actually really fucking lucky. Yeah. Fuck.

Aw. I know.

I'm going to go and see Dan and tell her how incredible

she is, actually, cos I really do fuck all.

But thanks for having me. Of course!

I've actually had quite a nice time.

Why don't you stay for another mocktail?

Absolutely not.

Sorry. Do you mind helping me up? Of course. Thank you.

Thanks.

Do you think she'll join the WhatsApp group?

Probably not.

Well, it's been a tough year,

but we're so grateful to everyone for coming tonight

and to all of you who've supported us recently

and to our Claire and Claire's husband, Jonathan.

Oh, no, not husband - partner.

Sorry. Don't shoot!

Claire doesn't like it when I bring that up.

And Jonathan thinks that weddings are a waste of money, apparently.

I mean, I didn't actually say that. That's out of context.

Tight bastard!

Exactly.

But we would like to see you married, anyway.

And I know it would mean a lot to Shirley.

I bet we're not the only ones

who would like another excuse for a good party.

CHEERING

Hey, I'll tell you what, Jon.

I'll do you a deal.

You propose and I'll pay for the wedding.

CROWD: Oh!

Ask her now!

Right, yeah, very funny.

Obviously, I'm not going to ask her now.

CHANTING: Ask her. Ask her. Ask her...

CHANTING CONTINUES

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH

MUSIC STOPS

Claire... Da... ..will you marry me?

Sorry.

I fucking knew what would happen.

Oh, come on. Get up, lad. You're depressing everybody.

OK, yeah. Ruining the vibe.

Yo, baby.

To the bar. Sambucas for all.

Put them on my tab.

Hey.

What were you thinking?!

It was humiliating.

YOU were humiliated?!

I had to have a commiseration sambuca,

and then do the saddest Macarena of my life.

Well, you sound like a married couple,

even if she did jilt you.

I'm sorry it wasn't the proposal you wanted, love,

but it was just a bit of fun.

No, Mum, it wasn't "a bit of fun".

Oh, don't be such a drama queen. I'm not being a drama queen...

Dr Raj doesn't like arguing.

Sorry. I regret that.

I was just trying to lighten the mood.

Claire, you need to tell 'em.

Right.

So I wasn't going to tell you this

because of everything that happened with Mum.

But, um...

..we're not together any more.

We've split up.

We... We live apart.

And we just parent Spencer together.

Sorry.

For clarity, she split up with me. Really?

It's an important detail.

Well, you must be mad.

Silly girl. You silly, silly, silly girl.

Well, this is kind of why I didn't tell you.

You're mad for letting him go.

And not just because he's so handsome and funny

and he has great skin.

Can you go?

Oh, yeah. Sorry, yeah.

CHAIR SCREECHES

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. SCREECHING CONTINUES

Are you sure you don't want to marry him?

Oh, my God!

CLEARS THROAT

CLEARS THROAT LOUDER

Spencer, headphones off, please, now.

What? Don't "what" me! Enough with the phone.

Yeah? We've talked about screen time. It's not good for you.

And what is with the constant messaging?

Unless you're operating some sort of lucrative Etsy shop, I don't see

what's more important than being present for your granny's 70th.

Do you know what? I'm taking your phone.

It's Sam.

Her parents are getting a divorce.

OK, well, that does sound more important.

I've been helping her do it cos I've had to go through it, too.

OK, you're really sticking the boot in there, mate.

But I didn't want to say anything

because Mum said it's supposed to be a happy day.

I'm not allowed to talk about the break-up.

JONATHAN SIGHS

Here's your phone.

I've had a tough day...

Oh, right, yeah. OK.

Courtney! Great! You're here!

Have you come to join the celebrations?

What are we celebrating?

TIM: Dan taking her dream job...

..that you obviously know nothing about.

Oh, you've absolutely fucked that!

Sorry.

What the fuck?!

Hey.

How did it go?

Yeah, I mean, you know,

as well as it can do when you've been fundamentally

lying to your parents for over a year.

Well, I'm still waiting on an answer, by the way.

You know, don't leave me hanging.

Well, probably should have asked me ten years ago.

OK, well, I'll take that as a no.

Why did you never ask me?

I was building up to it.

I really was, but, you know,

then Spencer came along and...

..then life just got in the way.

Look, Mum, being ill wasn't the only reason

I didn't tell them about us.

I just...

I couldn't close that door.

Oh, so the door is still ajar, is it?

Because I feel like Brett might think it's very much closed

and he's probably sealed it up with some antlers or something.

I don't think that one's going to stand the test of time.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, nothing. It's just, you know.

Well, his love language is upholstery.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Sort of.

Where's Spencer?

Spencer's sleeping in there. So...

So are you just going to sleep in there, then?

Yeah. I'm just going to...

Just going to sleep in there.

Cool.

What? Yeah, no, that makes sense, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Well, um...

..night, then.

Night, then.

When you're done messing around, boy

And you crawl back to me

Do you think I done explain for you to get it

And go begging you down on my knees...

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