Original subtitles

So, um, thank you very much for...

..for last night.

Mm-hm.

And if you really want to thank me for sex, you should send a card.

Something like, "Thinking of you...naked."

It's a good business idea. It's not a bad idea. Mm-hm.

But, I mean, it was, um...

..it was OK, right?

Like, you know, like normal? Like, not worse than...

Are you asking me to compare your performance to my other lovers?

God, no. I mean, you know, unless it's positive.

If I was to give you a review, I would say better than Danny,

but not as good as Trent.

Ah, Trent.

Pfft, you know? And then, ah!

Like, agh! Yeah.

No, OK. I'm joking.

Danny was also really good.

Right. I'm joking again.

Oh, God, it's like a roller-coaster, this.

You were great. Could you not tell?

You were so great. It was great.

It was lovely. I loved it. OK.

I... I was thinking we should probably keep quiet about this,

you know, at least for a while.

Oh, right, well, I should probably stop the live stream, then.

I know you're joking, but my anxiety still did spike a little bit

when you said that. No, I get it. I get it.

I'll just be your...

..your dirty little secret.

What? No, no, absolutely not.

That's not what I meant by that at all. I get it.

COCKNEY ACCENT: I'm just a hole to you,

I may as well be a golf course.

I'll just be a little piece of shit on the side.

I don't mean anything.

I'm just a corpse, for gentlemen's delight.

Loads of my clients with kids say the same thing.

Mm... Everything is fine until they realise

they have incompatible parenting styles.

Yeah, well, I think my parenting style is resenting what's happening

to my body. That's a good one.

Well, I think my parenting style is going to be gentle parenting.

I'd love you to read this book, please.

OK, I'll just add this to my to-do list,

along with my pelvic floor exercises

and looking how much my giant nipples have grown today.

Yeah. Hey, listen, I hear you.

I understand that you were struggling

with your bizarrely giant nipples.

OK?

When this baby arrives, I promise you,

you can relax and I'll take care of you.

Hmm. That's actually really lovely.

And that is gentle parenting.

SHE CHUCKLES

Right, better dash.

I'm meeting THE Professor Gillespie.

Oh, yes, baby. Ha-ha!

I'm buzzing. Oh, wow.

She sounds cool!

Is she an actual professor?

Yes, big nips, she is.

And all that posting on her wall has paid off because she wants

to meet me and chat to me.

I'm going to make her my best friend.

OK?

Mwah. I love you. Read the book.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, my God. Thank you so much for signing my book.

It's been really lovely to chat with you, Dan.

I know. It's been fucking amazing, hasn't it?

I mean, amazing in a professional, cool way.

I love gigs. Do you like gigs?

Maybe we could... Dan, shall we get down to business?

Sure. Hey, before we start, do you mind if I take a shelfie?

"Shelfie"! Ha-ha-ha!

Did you hear that?! I just said "Shelfie"!

That's hilarious.

I meant "selfie." Ha-ha!

Let's not.

Actually, Dan, the reason I wanted to meet you was because we need

someone like you, with your passion for my work,

to join my research team.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Oh, my God, I'm going to pass out.

Yes, I need this energy.

Ha-ha... Yes!

Well, this energy minus 10%.

It's going to be a time commitment,

so I will confirm details with my assistant and I'll give

you a call tonight.

When you say "time commitment," do...do you...?

It is a full-time salaried position,

so we'd need somebody in the office every day.

So think it through and let me know as soon as possible.

Yeah. Mm? I will do.

I can't foresee any major obstacles or life events

that would be an issue.

SHE SUCKS TEETH

Agh! Ha-ha!

Ugh, you're so great!

OK, stop.

WOMAN: I'll get it. MAN: Can you get it?

I said, I'll get it!

Hiya. I'm just collecting Spencer.

Oh, really? Well, I messaged Claire. Oh, really?

Dad. Guess what? Sam said I could stay over.

What, stay over here tonight?

Yeah. What, you and Sam?

Oh, is that a problem?

Well, no, I mean...

I mean, if...if...if Claire knows,

then I...I guess it's fine.

Yes!

SHE CHUCKLES

Claire will be grateful for some time alone with, er...herself.

Well, I know about Hot Furniture Guy.

Oh, do you call him that, too?!

Well, that and other things, yeah.

I can see where he gets the name.

Well, he makes furniture, doesn't he, so it sort of makes sense.

Right. Well, OK, thanks. OK, bye, Spencer! Have fu...

..fun.

Jonathan. Oh, shit. What time is it?

Is Spencer with you? No, he's not here.

He's staying at Sam's. I've been trying to get hold of you.

I'm sorry. I've just been busy.

Oh, what have you been up to?

I was in the shower.

It's a weird time of day to be showering.

Yeah, I like showering in the day - just for freshness. Really? Si...

Oh. All right, buddy.

Oh, I see.

For freshness. Freshness, yeah.

Do you want to come in? No, not really.

HAMMERING

So you...you were saying Spencer's having a sleepover?

HAMMERING CONTINUES

Erm, sorry. Do you mind?

No, mate. You go right ahead. I'm just putting this right.

HAMMERING CONTINUES

Yes, at Sam's.

Are you all right with that? Yeah.

Why wouldn't I be? Oh, get in! Lovely bit of plasterboard, that.

DRILLING

Do you not think it's a bit weird?

No. Why?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Well, he's in love with Sam, isn't he? Yeah. So?

OK, they're both of a certain age, aren't they?

HAMMERING CONTINUES

Well, he's 11.

Who's wired this thing?

She's nearly 12, though.

And let's not forget that you were going clubbing when you were 13.

Legend. But, Claire! What?

What, you think Spencer will be getting the Jagers in

down Coalition tonight?

SHE SCOFFS It's fine!

Just leave them to it.

Nah, whole thing will have to come out.

DRILLING

Sorry, can...?

HAMMERING CONTINUES

Lo... Do you think Magic Mike could just give us a minute?

Oh, loud and clear, mate.

HE CHUCKLES

Cheers, babe. Brab... Ba... Babe-reh...

JONATHAN SIGHS

Who knows what they're up to?

Oh, you're being ridiculous. Am I?

We've both seen Euphoria. What if Sam's a legend?

Oh, my God.

Yeah. OK. You might be right. Er, I am right, actually.

What the hell are we going to do?

Well, WE'RE not going to do anything.

YOU'RE going to go and get him, but make up an excuse.

You know, don't tell the truth obviously. We'll look weird.

OK, great, yeah. Well, I'll leave you to freshen up again.

I'm so glad I came.

Thank you.

HE SIGHS Back in a bit.

Oh, see you, Prakash.

Why are you calling him Prakash?

Er...

It's just a joke.

You call him Prakash as a joke?

No...

DOOR CLOSES

Not OK, Brett!

Oh, yeah.

That's nice, Dan.

SHE SIGHS God, I have had such a hectic day.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, you gave me that book to read, didn't you?

And then I was on the phone to Tina.

Reading and a phone call.

That does sound like a lot.

Tina is really struggling at the moment,

you know, being a single mother.

I'm so lucky I'm going to have you there every day to help me.

Yeah, I did promise that, didn't I?

Yeah. Anyway, Tina, she does that, erm...

Aw, that parenting...

Gentle parenting? ..gentle parenting,

and she suggested that we go over hers tonight

to have a practice. Well, I can't tonight.

I've got an important phone call with work.

That's all right. We'll just pop over

then you can come back for your call.

Anyway, how...? How did it go today with the stalker and her victim?

It was good.

It was really good.

Something mad happened. Crazy.

She offered me a full-time position.

It's nuts, right?

Obviously, I couldn't take it.

Yeah, you'd feel so guilty.

Yeah, I would, wouldn't I?

Don't stop. Oh. Sorry.

And that's gentle parenting.

No. No, it's not.

I did choose consolidated delivery.

WOMAN WHISPERS: Piss off.

Oh. Well, you're not Amazon.

Erm, no, I'm...I'm Spencer's dad.

Spencer?

Yeah, he's here. Oh, the boy. Right.

Layla, someone's here for Spencer.

No. Spencer's staying over.

HE SIGHS

Absolutely typical.

She's fuck-wangled it again.

I mean, to be fair, she hasn't fuck-wangled it, actually.

Yes, she has.

Well, she hasn't, because he was supposed to be staying, but...

All right, so why are you here?

Well, to get him because he's...he's not...he's now...

Because she fuck-wangled it. No, she didn't fuck-wangle it.

It's... You know, it's an accidental...

Christ, Layla, there's somebody here.

Can you just deal with it?

Well, I didn't mean to create an issue.

There's been issues for years, mate.

Hi, Jonathan. Is there a problem?

Sorry, I should have given you my phone number earlier.

Yeah, no, there's no problem. It's just Claire actually wants

Spencer home, so... Oh, no! Yeah.

Oh, Sam will be ever so disappointed. What happened?

Well, nothing's happened. It's just,

he's got a...um, well, he's got football in the morning, so.

Oh, that's fine. I can drop him off. Thanks again.

No, no, no, but it's just that,

um, it's just that he's got an early start tomorrow.

He needs to get a good night's sleep.

You know, that's a whole thing. I can make sure they go to bed

at a reasonable time. You enjoy yourself, OK?

Well, yeah... Thanks, then. ..but he's got a lot of problems!

What kind of problems?

Um... He still wets the bed.

Oh, right. Um...

At 11? Yeah.

I mean, it's...it is a concern, obviously.

I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, we can manage that.

You go off. Have a good evening, OK? Thanks, then. Yeah, but...

Thanks, then. ..the thing is... Thanks, then!

OK.

So the baby's down finally.

And if he wakes, just check his nappy, maybe change his pyjamas,

give him a milk feed with stories.

Pop the white noise on with the night light and sing.

Sorry, are you going out?

I thought we were just going to get some practice

while you cooked us dinner.

I didn't realise that we would be looking after actual children.

Oh. Do you mind?

I thought you wanted to practise gentle parenting.

I thought it'd be more like gentle shadowing.

Might be a good opportunity for us.

Yeah, you go, Tina.

OK.

Oscar will tell you when he's tired.

Won't you, Oscie?

Won't you, Oscie?

He's hilarious.

But not too much screen time.

Actually, that's probably enough screen time.

No more screen time, OK.

OK, thanks a million.

Mummy's going dancing.

Bye!

Bye.

OK, little guy.

Just take your...

Get off!

Wow. OK, don't worry.

I'm going to do some gentle parenting. Watch this.

OK, Oscar,

what I'm hearing is that you don't want to give us the iPad.

Going to give me the iPad, please.

Can you give me the iPad, please?

Me, me, iPad, please.

Oh, OK, what I'm hearing now is

that you're getting a bit frustrated, sweetheart, yeah?

Oh!

What I'm hearing now is that you are being a little... Gentle, gentle.

PHONE RINGS, BABY CRIES

I need to take this.

Hello?

Crying. Wow.

BABY COUGHS

I can't believe you need help collecting your own son.

It was incredibly difficult. She was very eager to get rid of me. She kept just going, "Thanks, then,"

and then sort of shutting the door in my face.

Listen, there is a weird vibe in there, OK?

I heard raised voices.

Oh, shit, not raised voices.

Just listen.

RAISED VOICES

OK, right.

Look at me, focus. We can do this.

OK, extract the target and move to the exit.

OK, calm down, Liam Neeson.

You've got a specific set of skills.

How's that for communication?!

Hi. Oh, hi, how are you?

What are you doing out here? I just came out to get some air.

Do you want to come in?

Yeah, OK. Um, yeah?

OK, yeah.

Cameron, we've got guests!

Both of Spencer's parents are here.

Why? We're not going to stay, we were just going to grab Spence.

Just sit down, have a drink.

It's much better when people are here, isn't it, babe? Is it, babe?

Yes, babe. Why don't you get them some crisps?

It would be an absolute pleasure.

Here you go. Oh, um...

Crisps, OK.

So where are the, um, kids?

Sam's room. Wine? Beer?

Do you want a beer?

We were literally just going to grab Spencer. No!

No, look, Jonathan has told me about the problem, OK?

Has he? Um... Oh.

Well, he wasn't supposed to.

Bedwetting is just a symptom of anxiety.

Ugh, pathetic.

Oh, well, it's not just the bed wetting, is it?

It's also...

What? ..we, um...

Look, we...

Jonathan?

Well, I mean, it's actually it's very difficult to, you know, say.

There's a...

..there's, er, an array like a platter of reasons

that it's difficult to...

Jonathan has separation anxiety. Do I? Yes. Course he does.

And that's fine, that's, um, I have to respect that.

So you'll just pop along now, won't you? Oh, yes. And get Spencer. I'm going to pop along and, er...

Look, this dinner's nearly ready, so can he at least stay for that, Jonathan?

Um...

Yes. Yeah, sure.

That will help with my separation anxiety.

Lovely.

Yeah, lovely.

There's plenty to go around, as long as we all have a lot less.

Oh, that absolutely stinks.

Oh, are you supposed to have cream on your bum?

Oh, what cream are you supposed to have?

Oh, Dan!

Am I supposed to use cream?

Oh, shit.

The other one.

Right, so it'll only be two weeks' leave.

Where is Oscar?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

I'm a dinosaur.

Rrrr!

I empathise with you being a dinosaur.

But I really need you to get down now, Oscar, come on.

I'm T-Rex, the king.

Rrrr! All right, OK, you're not a T-Rex.

Do you know why I know that? Because T-Rexes don't get on the worktop, do they?

How do you know?

Because I am a dino expert.

And do you know what dinosaurs do?

They do exactly what they're told.

Well, I'm always told to eat my breakfast.

Rrrr!

SHE SCREAMS LOUDLY

Ra-ra-ra! Ra-a-a!

To you!

Ra!

Ra-a-a-a! Ooh.

How come you came back and why are you both here?

I've got separation anxiety.

What?

Daddy just misses you.

Aw, do you often get lonely?

No, I do not get lonely.

I have a very active social life, actually, which now,

as I say it aloud to a child, feels incredibly sad.

Yeah, it does.

Well, this is delicious, Layla. Thank you so much.

Thank you. It's Turkish.

A friend of mine gave me the recipe.

Who?

Just a friend.

Mm-hm?

Yeah.

Well, that was great.

All done. Yum, yum, yum.

Can I get you another helping?

No, we've got to...

We've got to get off. Well, Claire hasn't finished eating?

Nearly done. Well, I'm going to have a drink.

It's exhausting, this parenting lark.

How would you know?

Because I work full-time,

then I come home and do bedtime, don't I, babe?

Do you, babe?

Er, can we eat in my room? No.

I mean, no. I mean... I do mean no, actually,

but, I mean, I don't think they can, can they? They shouldn't really. I think it's fine, sweetheart. Yeah.

Walk over. Come on, Spencer.

Spencer, I think it's probably best for you to leave the door open.

Just, you know, because it's good to have...

The meal's better with a bit of airflow into the room, you know?

What are you talking about?

Then we're going to take you home after dinner, OK? Why?

I thought we were having a sleepover.

Yeah, sorry, it's a change of plan, apparently.

You said Spencer could stay.

You said I could have a friend, and I wanted Spencer.

You never stick to your promises. I hate you!

No, don't... Well done, Cameron.

Well, I mean, I have separation anxiety.

Didn't separate yourself from my food, did you?

She's calmed down now. They're just finishing their dinner.

Whoo.

Can I ask you a personal question?

How are things since the split?

Did Spencer take it OK?

Er, yeah.

Yeah, he did, actually. I'm really proud of him.

I'm sorry, you two aren't together?

No.

No. Of course they're not.

Well, how would I know? You never told me, as per...

I did tell you. You just didn't listen, as per...

Gosh! I love the fabric on this cushion. Oh, yeah, it's...

That is... Does she do this to you? Sorry?

Gaslight you. No, I mean, she...she shouts sometimes.

Yeah, I bet she does. I don't shout. I bet she shouts and she lies.

Oh! And I bet she's got a secret friend in Turkey. I don't think

Claire's been to Turkey. They've all been to Turkey.

And they say they've said things they patently haven't. He just doesn't listen. I don't know

what you're meant to do if you've got a partner who doesn't listen!

I do listen! I listen all the time, because all you do is talk,

over and over and over again! THUDDING

Sorry to interrupt the conversation,

but can anyone else hear that? Yeah. Yeah, I can,

because I was listening. Um...

Yeah, I think we should go. Yeah, I think we should.

DOOR RATTLES We need privacy!

They've locked the door! What?!

Spencer! Go away, Dad! We're in the middle of something.

Erm, guys, they've locked... How can you say I never give you anything?

Ha! My birthday, prime example.

You asked for a Hobbycraft voucher! LOUD CLATTER

I should not have to think up my own

birthday present. Erm... Er... You don't know me. That is bullshit!

Of course I know you. Really? Is that bullshit?

Well, tell me my favourite film, then.

Ha-ha-ha! What's my favourite film?

WHISPERING: Tell me my favourite film.

Notting Hill.

No!

It's How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. What's that? And you don't even have

a favourite film, because you're so boring! Yes, I do! It's...

..any of the Ocean's movies.

SHE LAUGHS Wow.

Guys, I am really sorry to interrupt this.

Yeah, we've actually got a problem. Well, join the club!

Do you know what her favourite film is?

What? Come on.

What's HER favourite film, then?

Oh. Oh, well, I, erm...

Well, I suppose it's... It's probably the original

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... Charlie and... ..with Gene Wilder.

Erm, she thinks it's the best film ever made, and...

..it makes her feel like a kid. And, erm, her eyes go all glinty

when she talks about how the chocolate room was edible

and the actors saw it for the first time on camera.

She loves the soundtrack. And she says whenever...

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Shut up!

Didn't ask for a synopsis! Sorry, I was just answering the question.

Fine, then. But I bet YOU don't know what his favourite film is, do you?

Do not give a synopsis.

Well, it's different films for different moods, isn't it?

You see? She doesn't know! Yes, I do know!

It's KKHH. For the win! Yes!

What even is that? Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

It's a Bollywood thing. Yeah.

Ha! Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,

and Kucha-Kucha-Hai-Tai...

Erm, it's Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Kucha-Kucha-Hotai-Hai.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai... That's what I just said.

Look, it's not, actually.

Kucha-Kucha-Tai-Tai.

Kucha... Er, it's getting further away, actually. Yeah.

Grr!

I can't do this.

I am not a gentle parent.

In fact, I think MY parenting style might be...horrific. It's OK.

Just don't freak out, OK?

Do you mind if I have a go? OK, go on, then, but good luck.

BABY GURGLES

Ah!

Yeah, I think this gentle parenting might be a bit overrated. Wow!

Ah...

Could you stop going on about Tenerife?!

I did book the flights. OK, guys, I'm really sorry

to interrupt, but we really do need to go. Yeah. Do you think you could

get Sam to unlock the door?

Well, they're in there now. Let's just leave them to it.

No, because...we...we can't. Look, I'm just going to say something now,

OK? Seeing as we're all being honest and open and sharing seemingly

everything. Look, I think... No, you don't need to say anything.

..we're all friends now and I'm just going to say it. Don't say it. No,

I'm saying it, OK? I... I speak on behalf of both of us

when I say that this sleepover,

quite frankly, is inappropriate.

Why? SHE SNIGGERS

Why? Erm, well, I mean...

..that's a, that's a good question.

Erm...

Kids are... Kids are learning things much more quickly

than, er, than we used to. You know, they know more stuff at their age

than we did when we were their age. And, you know,

Claire is, er, when you were...

When you were 13,

you know, you were, erm,

you know?

I was a legend. Yeah.

And girls mature much more quickly than... I mean, you know...

They're still, I still see them as... I mean, I don't SEE them as girls,

I THINK of them... I mean, I'm not thinking of girls.

I mean, the point I'm trying to make is that girls mature more quickly

than boys. And I guess what I'm worried about is that she might be

leading him down a, you know, erm...

Have you seen Euphoria?

Um, I'm sorry...

..do you think that Sam wants to be Spencer's girlfriend?

Erm...

..maybe. Yeah. THEY LAUGH

No, mate. I mean, Spence is very sweet, but he still wets the bed!

CAMERON LAUGHS Well, I made that up, so...

It's called the "friend zone".

She thinks he's a dweeb.

She sees him as, like, a...weird little brother.

I can't believe you thought she'd want him to be her boyfriend!

THEY LAUGH OK.

Not being funny, mate, but, er,

like father, like son. I mean, it's pretty weird,

you hanging around with your ex like this.

She's clearly not interested. I... I enjoy his company.

Yeah...! Do you?

Yeah. Er, and can I just say, by the way, we are a much better couple

than you are, despite the fact we're not even together. But that's not

the point. The point is, they're upstairs, locked in a room.

What are they doing?! Mum, Dad!

Can we show you some of our moves? We've been practising.

Practising jujitsu.

OK, don't hold back.

Agh!

Spencer... Spence, are you OK? Drag him to the floor!

Are you OK? Spencer, tap out. Tap out, Spencer. Finish him!

I think I can keep going for a bit longer.

Spencer, tap out. Seriously, Spencer, tap out! I might be starting

to black out, but I'm totally fine. Spencer. Tap out, Spencer!

SPENCER COUGHS

Dear Lord!

CLAIRE SIGHS

It'll be fine. It's just one night.

Yeah, I'll be honest, I'm more worried about Spencer

having his heart mashed into a pulp and made into some sort of

smoothie of sadness, and then sort of spends the next few years just

looking in the mirror in the evening, thinking, "What's wrong with me?"

I actually had a good night, despite all the, er,

the arguing and the, er...

..you know, suggestion that our son is undatable.

Yeah, me too. It was sort of a mix of deeply, deeply uncomfortable,

but also, feeling quite superior.

I mean, I found myself feeling very relieved that

you never visited Turkey. SHE LAUGHS

How do you know I've never visited Turkey?

"They've all been to Turkey". JONATHAN LAUGHS

Oh, my God! Also, can I just say,

if your favourite film

is any of the Ocean's movies,

that's a red flag, isn't it? Yeah.

I mean, it's the grounds for divorce.

I mean, that whole "Julia Roberts looks like Julia Roberts" thing,

piss off! SHE LAUGHS

Night, then. Night, mate!

"Mate"! Fuck my life!

MUSIC: The Last Letter by The Blossoms

You're amazing.

Oh, thank God you're going to be there!

Yeah, thank God.

I sent you a letter

A telegram too

Answer your phone, baby...

HE SNORES

..Well, I need to talk to you

We can't go on

With me just loving you

Open your mailbox, baby

There's my last letter to you

I sent you a letter

A telegram too

Open your mailbox, baby

There's my last letter to you

Ooh...

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