Original subtitles

Arm lock! Dad! Yeah? Please, can you take me to jiujitsu?

Listen, Seagal, if you want some martial arts pointers,

you could just ask me, you know?

But I thought you said you didn't like jiujitsu.

It's not that I don't like jiujitsu, it's just... Leg hold!

Actually, the truth is, I'm more of a kung fu guy.

Really? Pfft!

Owning a copy of Enter The Dragon on DVD does not make you

a "kung fu" guy. Well, I've actually got some pretty sick moves, so...

Come on, let's see. Yes, Jonathan.

Let's see.

Right now? Please, Dad.

Um, OK.

Can you...?

HE GRUNTS

Oh, God... You might want to...

You're trying to think what to do, aren't you?

HE GRUNTS

Yah!

So, Mum, can you take me after school?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I think...

I think it's probably a good idea if one of the family

learns how to do martial arts.

OK. Thanks. Bye.

Yeah, bye. See you, Spence.

You know, you might want to give me a heads up the next time

you request a martial arts display. Oh. Sorry.

So, anyway, you wanted to talk to me about something? Yeah... Um...

SHE STUTTERS

What it is...

Well, it's been a year, hasn't it?

And, um...

Well, I guess, like,

a lot of stuff changes in a year and change... Yeah...

Are you struggling a little bit with what you're...? No.

..and change is a good thing, I think.

Kind of like seasons, in a way, isn't it?

The seasons change.

You can have trees changing colour

and that's a lovely thing.

Leaves, they can be green and then they're...yellow,

orange, red. Sorry, Claire, did you want to talk about Autumn?

No.

I-I guess what I'm saying is, like...

..maybe I'm autumn. Would this have anything to do with the guy

whose face you were chewing off in the school car park?

Oh, my God. Did you see that? Yeah.

Right. Well, yeah,

that guy is Brett,

and, um, I'm thinking of

introducing him to Spencer.

Wow, um...

Really? So, um...

So it's serious.

Well...

What is he, some finance bod or something?

No, he-he-he makes bespoke furniture.

Great. So he's...both arty and incredibly adept with his hands.

That's great. Yeah...

Sorry.

I did think the kick was really cool.

Yeah, yeah, don't bother. Look, I actually think I pulled something,

so... Can we just...?

Well, do you want a lift?

No, I've got my bike.

What the hell do you think

I'm wearing this for?

Black,

vivid green,

burnt ochre.

The amazing thing is that all these poos are healthy.

Now, have we considered reusable nappies?

COURTNEY CHUCKLES

You're being serious.

Deadly serious.

Baby's feet may be small, but their carbon footprint

can destroy the earth.

So what we all doing to offset our babies?

I don't really think it needs offsetting... It's a he.

Remember, we went through this.

"I don't really think HE needs offsetting."

We're operating a strictly "no plastic toy" household.

We've actually had a lot of fun making our organic baby food now

and freezing it. Wow, that DOES sound fun.

And, um... What about you two?

Uh...

Er... Uh...

Second-hand clothes.

Yeah, we're only going to use second-hand clothes.

My sister-in-law has an older boy,

so she's going to give me some of his stuff. So fuck you, CO2.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Sorry to, uh, interrupt, Kirsty...

That is an illustration of a vagina

ripped all the way to the arsehole, isn't it?

Yeah.

I actually based it on my own.

Wow. It's quite the self-portrait.

Yeah...

OK, so I have done the lawn, the bins, the guttering

and the litter tray.

I do also have some questions about what your cat eats.

Oh, my God. I was only joking about doing the litter tray.

Did you actually do it?

No, of course not.

I haven't spent the last 30 minutes scraping it clean.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm genuinely ashamed.

That was...

You are so sweet to have done that, though.

Well, I mean, you paid £300 for me. It's a lot of pressure.

I don't think I'd be worth that if you sell me for parts.

SHE LAUGHS

Um, so is there is there anything else you need to do?

Any other handyman shiz?

Erm... Shiz, have I got any shiz? Let me...

Oh, I do have a bit of shiz.

This cupboard, which has been stuffed,

and I have a tin of spaghetti hoops in there that I've just been

craving for months, so I think it just needs a... Right.

..strong man like yourself.

Oh, yeah, uh, yeah. Right. Yeah.

DOOR CREAKS

Well, that is stuck. Yeah, it's stuck. Definitely stuck.

Yes, I can confirm that. Oh, thank you for confirming it.

So is the, erm... Does this whole auction thing mean

that I'm basically your slave?

Ooh, well, don't love the optics of that, but I mean...

Unless that's what you're into.

What?! No! God, no. No.

Didn't realise you were kinky! No, I'm not kinky. Oh, OK!

I'm absolutely not kinky. No, no, that's not... We've all got a kink.

No, but I haven't got a kink, that's not the... I'm not here to kink-shame you.

I don't have a kink. I'm not... Everyone has a kink. Well, I don't.

My kink is that I don't have any kinks.

You could be the lead singer of The Kinks. What I'm saying is I'm not kinky.

You know, I've got nothing against kinks. I'm not like...

Oh, my God, Jonathan, relax. I was totally yanking your chain.

Oh, right. But you're very funny when you're flustered.

So, um...

Do you... Do you happen to know a guy called Brett

who makes furniture? Hot Furniture Guy Brett?

Oh, wait, so you know him?

Yeah. He's, like, the hottest man in Horsham.

I mean, like, if you're into big muscles and six packs

and obvious handsomeness.

I think everyone's into that, aren't they? I think I might be.

Claire certainly is.

Oh, my God! Is Claire banging Hot Furniture Brett?

Good on you, Claire.

Good woman. No, not good woman, from your face.

Oh, no. Are you sad about it?

Well, I mean, I've had better news.

Oh... OK... HE STRAINS

OK, I've got it, I think I've got it. I think I've got it. Yeah...

Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Shit.

I'm so sorry. Are you OK? Oh, shit... Erm...

Shit! Erm... Hold on, hold on, hold on...

Yeah, sorry, just didn't...expect that... Agh...

Oh... Here we go.

Yeah. Here we go. OK, you ready? Where is it? There you go...

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's nice.

It's actually... Let me just have a quick...

Well, you look all right. All right?

I mean, great. Like, sort of fully functioning face.

I actually do feel fine. I mean, I can't see in one eye.

Well, welcome to the club.

SHE LAUGHS

OK, well, the current state of play is

you've got no spaghetti hoops and...your cupboard's fucked.

What am I doing?

Jesus!

You like what you see? Well, I was just...

Just look like you were interested in something.

Unless you were casing the joint, eh?

BOTH LAUGH

I was just... I was just looking at that chair, that's all.

Oh, well, a man of great taste.

Come have a proper look.

Erm, well, I-I-I...

Come on. No, I can't, really, I've got my bike there.

Oh, don't worry about it.

'Ey up, there she is. Oh, yeah...

Now, this one is a beaut.

And I think...

..she's my best work.

Yeah, I mean, it really is...

Well, it really is something.

I'm Brett, by the way.

Oh, yeah, makes sense,

cos of...Brett's Furniture.

And you are?

What? What's your name?

Oh, my name is...

Well, uh...

My name is...

..uh...

Prakesh...Srinivasan.

Prakesh Sphee-ner-a-san?

It's close, yeah. I-I don't know why I gave you my full name.

Sorry. Hmm.

Let me guess...

Asian.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thought so. Right...

Listen, Prakesh, because you love the chair,

I'll let you have it for 300.

Oh, well, look, I mean, I was just browsing, so...

Oh! Got ourselves a hustler, boys.

Very much not a hustler. And, you know, I can't see any boys.

All right, 280.

I was just looking, so... 270, and you are robbing me.

I'm not even haggling. I don't know why the number keeps coming down.

I'm not. I'm making zero offer... I just came to...to look at the chair.

I've looked at the chair. It's great.

There are antlers, as I suspected.

And now I'd just like to go.

Oh, I get it. Yeah. Ha.

You've seen the chair up close, and...

..now you don't like it? Is that it?

No, I like it up close... No, no, you can be honest, mate.

If you think it's shoddy craftsmanship, then...just say it.

Say...

"Brett...

"..you've made a shit chair."

I'll take the chair.

Course you will.

270...quid.

Yeah... You won't regret it, Prakesh.

I messaged Claire about the baby clothes, by the way.

She seemed really happy to pass on some stuff. Right.

It's like the perfect middle finger to those NCT pricks.

Uh, NCT friends.

Yeah, those.

Guys, I haven't got long because I'm on my lunch break,

but have I got a present...

..for you.

Jonathan, it's hideous.

Wow. It's not hideous. It's...bespoke.

Oh, in that case, you look so bespoke in that Lycra.

THEY LAUGH

HE FEIGNS LAUGHTER

There's no way you bought that for us. I did.

I thought it'd be like a lovely nursing chair.

Well, if you think lacerating its head is lovely...

HIS head, lacerating HIS head.

Oh, my God. Is that...?! Shit!

It's Claire. I'm not here. I'm not here, not here...

She's with that prick.

Oh, Claire, come in. Thanks, Dan!

WHISPERED: Brett. And...this is Brett.

Hi, Brett. Nice to meet you.

God, you are fit.

Hi, guys. And thank you, I guess.

Is he, like, ten years younger than you?

No. Ooh. IN ROBOTIC VOICE: Warning - dangerous territory alert.

DAN AND BRETT LAUGH

Weird. Uh, what's all... What's all this?

Oh, they're the hand-me-downs for the baby.

I'm so glad they're going to a good home.

Oh, I thought I was just going to be a couple of baby grows.

Do you mind grabbing the rest from the car, please? The rest?

There's more! LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Why is there more? Wow.

Listen, I was hoping to catch Jonathan before his afternoon class

so I could introduce him to Brett.

Oh! Yeah. He's going to love that.

I'll go get him.

He really is incredibly attractive.

Yeah - WE'RE an attractive couple.

Yeah, no, exactly. That's what I meant.

Are you in there?

WHISPERED: Have they gone?

No, Claire wants you to meet Brett.

Fucking fuck. He absolutely cannot see my face.

Look, I know he's got a better face than you,

but you're going to have to meet him eventually.

I understand this must be hard for you emotionally...

It's not, OK? I just cannot see him or talk to him.

KNOCKING Jonathan?

What are you doing in there?

Hey, Claire! Lovely to hear from you.

Listen, Brett's in the living room.

I think it would be good for you to meet him before Spencer does.

Yeah, that sounds... That sounds bloody brilliant.

I'd bloody love that.

OK. Are you coming out?

Um, am I coming out?

That's a... That's a great question.

Oh, do you know what, Jonathan?

The door's probably jammed again.

Yeah, I think that... I think that's what it is. Yeah.

Bloody thing. Well, don't worry. Brett's brilliant at this stuff.

What? Brett, can you give us a hand?

All right? How can I help?

Jonathan's stuck in the loo.

Oh, dear.

HE KNOCKS Are you OK, buddy?

Um...

HIGH-PITCHED: Having a... Having a wee bit of trouble.

What is that voice?

Why don't I go get my tool box from the car?

JONATHAN AND DAN: No! Honestly, I'll have this thing

off its hinges in a jiffy. He'll be out in a second...

It's piss easy, just a couple of screws. It's the shits!

What?

It's the shits. OK?

Happy now?

And if you take the hinges off this door, you're going be...

..opening the gates of Mordor.

And that's Jonathan.

Argh! That's it, yes!

Arm around the throat, cut off the air supply...

Nice and tight round the throat! Nice and tight round the throat!

Throat?! Look at that look. Look at that look.

Look at his eyes go. Look at his eyes go.

Night, night. Two-week coma. CHILD SPLUTTERS

He ain't getting up from that.

Now, that is not strictly jiujitsu,

but it is lethal.

WHISPERED: If you want, we can just sneak out.

No... I-I can do this.

Eagles, we have a potential new recruit.

He's come to check us out. What's your name, recruit?

WEAKLY: Spencer.

Louder. He said, "Spencer".

"He said, Spencer, Sensei-i-i."

Right, I am not calling you "Sensei-i-i".

SNIGGERING Right, no. Fair enough.

Spencer, how about you let...

..Lucas here show you some moves?

STUTTERING: I-I don't know about that...

Shut up, Mum. Yes, Sensei.

Well, Spencer, be careful.

Fight!

HE YELLS

LUCAS GROANS

SPENCER PANTS

He's biting me!

Excellent.

PHONE RINGS

Hello-o-o-o? Hi, Megan, it's Jonathan.

I just thought I'd check in on your... On your face.

Oh, yeah. Well, my battered and bruised face

was actually thinking about you.

Oh, really? Yeah, I think about it every time I walk past my cupboard.

Oh, right, yes, I-I-I broke the door as well as your face.

Yeah... I feel really bad about that. Do you?

How are you going to make it up to me, then?

Right, well, I mean, you know, I s'pose if there was anything else

that needed...uh, cleaning?

Or... SHE CHUFFS

You could make me dinner?

What, like...actual dinner?

Yes, Jonathan. Actual real-life dinner. Yes.

OK. But would this be, like, as part of the...

..the favours auction sort of situation?

Yes, if that's what you need to make you feel comfortable.

Um... OK. I will cook dinner as one of the favours as agreed

by the financial transaction at the auction

as part of this school fundraiser.

Exactly. OK, Jonathan, I will see you at 8pm.

And maybe this time, you could try, I don't know,

throwing a bag of hammers at me or something.

Listen, I really feel terrible...

Joking! Bye.

Aa-a-h-h-h!

It's too much stuff, isn't it?

God, it is awful.

I just don't understand why all boy clothes are so angry.

I mean, they either want to eat you or run you over. Or worse.

Oh, my God!

I mean, I know it's only clothes,

but it's really starting to freak me out that we're having a boy.

Maybe we should just give it to a charity shop.

Yes, I'm doing that.

Agh... All right?

No, I'm not all right!

Fucking pregnant!

Spence, what happened in there? That was so unlike you.

I just don't want to be a walkover like Dad.

SHE SCOFFS Your dad's not a walkover.

Well, I mean, he is a bit, but...

Him not being violent is a good thing.

But girls don't like people like me and Dad.

Yes, they do. Well, you don't.

I do. Well, I did.

Look, you don't need to be in such a rush to grow up.

Mum...

Where's SpoonCat?

Uh... I-I-I...gave it to Auntie Dan

because they needed baby stuff.

Oh, shit. Claire.

WHISPERED: Claire's here.

Where's the stuff? It's in the boot! But what if she sees it?

Not shit, Dan! I didn't come here to celebrate her arrival.

CLAIRE KNOCKS

HIGH-PITCHED: Clai-i-i-re!

Hi! Hello, Spencey. Hell... Hello.

How are you? Oh! Lovely to see you.

Yeah, you too. You all right? Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry we're early...

I actually left's Spencer's SpoonCat toy in one of the bags.

Where are the bags?

I've... I've already put them away.

Oh, right, well, I can just go.

No, I'll...go and get them.

I'll just go and do that now. Are you sure?

Lifting heavy objects during pregnancy can release hormones

that can trigger labour.

All right, Doogie Howser. I think I can lift a teddy bear.

Back in a minute.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

So...

What you looking at? No... How's, um... How's...

SINGSONG: ..Brett?

Ssh, he's fine. He's fine.

Fine! Yeah, he's really, really fine.

I'll give her a hand.

No! Your hair looks incredible.

Are you using collagen?

You've never commented on my hair.

What's going on?

TOY SQUEAKS

Fucking... Fucking loads of shit here!

Do you hate the stuff?

What?! Course not! We love it.

Which... Which things do you love?

Um... The blue ones. What?

SpoonCat! Whoo! SPOONCAT: Meow!

Thank you!

Seriously, thank you so much for the stuff.

They're in safe hands. I am so glad.

Yeah, cos actually there's a few more boxes in the loft,

so I'll get Jonathan to pop them round later.

That's boss. Brilliant...

Thanks. Thanks for looking after Spencey tonight. Bye, Mum!

Bye, Spencey! ALL: Bye!

DOOR CLOSES

You guys hate this stuff, don't you?

HE SIGHS

Can't believe you made me spaghetti hoops. You absolute hero.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, to be honest with you,

I thought it'd be a sort of cute idea,

but now it turns out it's just two grown adults

eating spaghetti hoops for dinner.

Well, I mean, we're one grown adult eating spaghetti hoops for dinner

while the other grown adult cleans a mantelpiece like a maniac

to avoid communicating. Oh, right. Sorry.

Yeah, but, what I... You know, I want to give you your money's worth.

Plus...

..it's actually quite nice to feel useful.

Jonathan, you have been more useful in the last few hours

than my ex was in seven years.

So for the love of God, can you please sit down?

Um, yeah. OK. Erm...

Yeah.

CHAIR SCRAPES Oop, that was the chair!

Nice, aren't they, spaghetti hoops.

Yeah...

I like toast.

Oh... God, it's awkward dating when you've kids, isn't it?

So this is a date? No, it's not a date, Jonathan, you pervert.

What? I'm joking!

How could it not be a date?

Well, it's been a very, very long time

since I...last had a date, you know, so...

Well, can I be honest with you?

Yeah, please do.

I really like spending time with you.

I really like spending time with you, too.

Do you want to open a bottle of wine?

Um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd love that. Yeah.

Well, what would you pair this with?

I don't know, like a Capri-Sun?

SHE LAUGHS Maybe a Ribena chaser.

Yeah. SHE LAUGHS, PHONE RINGS

Oh, sorry.

Um, just...

Claire, um...

Claire. All right?

Still stuck in the toilet?

No, no, I'm just...

Well, I'm just finishing off at work, actually.

Oh. OK, great. Can you swing by and pick up some bags to take to Dan's?

Erm, what, now?

Well, yeah. You just said you were on your way home.

Oh, right, yeah... Yeah, I did, didn't I? Erm...

Yeah, I'll...

I'll come now.

OK. Thank you. See you in a bit.

Look, I'm really sorry. It's just...

Oh, my God.

Having a bottle of wine on my own

and having...two massive plates of spaghetti hoops

is exactly how I thought this evening would end.

So...

..fine by me.

HE SIGHS

Is he still reading baby books?

Mm. I know. It's really creepy.

Why is he so obsessed with placentas? It's fucking weird.

Fascinating.

Are we dicks for not wanting that stuff?

I think we might just be feeling like we want to get our own stuff,

in our own time as we get to know our baby. Yeah...

Do you know, I was really looking forward to us both being off work

and, like, taking it shopping together between cocktails

and spa treatments.

It's HE, and...

Is that what you think it's going to be like with a newborn baby?

Yeah. Why?

Nothing. Sounds great.

I mean, let's be honest...

WHISPERING: ..some of it was a bit rank.

WHISPERING: Oh, God, it was SO rank.

One of the baby growers had a shit stain all over it.

Guys, you know, hands aren't noise-cancelling?

If you don't like the stuff, you should just be honest with mum.

I don't think we need to be taking advice from an 11-year-old,

thank you very much. I mean, he's totally right. Yeah, I know.

Hi, Jonathan.

Hi, Claire. I've just come straight directly from...from work,

just finished work and came here, so...

Should I grab the stuff?

Uh, actually...

..seeing as you're here...

..do you want to come in?

Oh, what, really? Uh, yeah.

Yeah. Um...

Yeah, that'd...be great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, OK.

All right.

Jonathan, meet Brett.

Sorry to spring this on you.

It's just, you know, after the whole toilet episode,

it was pretty obvious that... HIGH-PITCHED RINGING

..you weren't going to do any of this voluntarily. And, um, he...

We...just thought that,

you know, it would be better if we got everything out in the open.

HEARTBEAT THUDS

Um...

Jonathan. RINGING STOPS

I'm sorry. It is just a...bit of a...shock.

Well, it's good to meet you again, buddy.

Again.

Remember?

The toilet? Oh, yes! The...the toilet!

I was in the... I was in the toilet.

I had the, uh, the shits. It was pouring out of me. Just...

JONATHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Well, this is nice. KNOCK ON DOOR

Uh, I will get that and...

..leave you two to get to know each other.

Thanks, gorgeous.

Thanks, um, uh, Claire.

So... HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

So...

HE MUTTERS

Denim.

Fleece.

Hi. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

What's going on?

Hi, Mum.

It's a chilly evening, isn't it?

I just wanted to say I took on board what you said

about growing up too fast

and decided I would like to keep hold of all of my stuff,

to keep me connected to my childhood.

Pathetic. Spencer, I expected better of you.

Go and wait over there. I want to talk to your aunts.

Oh.

Look, if you didn't want my stuff, you just had to say so.

So you're not annoyed?

No, I'm furious.

Not only have you lied to me, you've got my son to lie,

and my stuff isn't good enough for your precious little one.

Sorry. What is that?

Uh, that...is a little apology gift.

Oh, my God. It's gorgeous.

Yeah, I know, it is, isn't it?

And, well, the truth is, I think we're just...

Well, we're still sort of getting used to the idea of having

a baby boy, and...

WHISPERED: ..all of this stuff was quite overwhelming.

And actually, I think we're both just really looking forward

to getting our own things for him.

Court, you just said "him" not "it".

TEARFULLY: Yeah, I know.

I'm so proud of you.

OK, well, I'll just bring all the stuff in myself, then, shall I?

Is upholstery an art form?

Uh... Yes, it is.

Yes, it is. Yes.

Well, I better make a move,

but it's been great to meet you. Yeah.

Good to meet you, too...

..Prakesh.

What?

How are you enjoying the chair?

You know? Yeah, of course I know.

I was stood right opposite you, like, five hours ago.

Well, how come you didn't say anything? Well...

..I'm not going to make you like a psycho in front of your ex,

now, am I? Eh? JONATHAN CHUCKLES WEAKLY

Look, you seem like a good guy, mate,

and it's not really my place...

I think it's time you moved on, don't you?

Yeah, I think maybe it's... I'm moving in that direction, yeah.

Yeah. Well, Claire here, so laugh like we're having a good time.

FORCED LAUGHTER

Aww!

It's so nice to see you guys getting on.

Look what I've been given.

What a nice chair! Hah! Sh...

Hello.

I was... I was just... I was just passing and...

Well, I-I-I wondered if you had any other jobs that needed doing?

Hmm.

And what more could I possibly need?

Well, I noticed on your TV that your HDMI cable was... Mm-hm...

I don't have a TV. Yeah, I know.

Hmm.

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