Original subtitles

Jonathan. It. Is. Over.

Let's see how we feel after the dust settles?

We're going to tell Spencer today.

You'll be all right, mate.

We're here for you. We're not.

This is a normal relationship.

Yeah, running away from everything isn't always the answer, Jonathan.

It's just been really nice

getting to know Auntie Dan and Auntie Courtney.

I know we said that kids weren't for us.

I don't know. Maybe, maybe for now,

let's just say it's, erm...an open discussion.

Was I really that awful?

No!

You're a good man.

I'm asking you back.

No. You're saying no? Spencer seems happy.

Maybe we're better parents to him when we're apart.

This programme contains some strong language

Jonathan? Claire.

Listen. You know, I've been thinking about us a lot.

OK, go on.

I made a mistake.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

And I think maybe I might hopefully be one of the top ten things

that ever happened to you.

I think we should get back together.

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Dad!

You repaired our family and my childhood! Woof!

Bloody hell. It's another dream.

Jonathan and Claire are back

Jonathan and Claire are back

Together.

No, we're not, piss off.

ALARM RINGS

MUSIC: Mr Big Stuff by Jean Knight

I'm confident and I'm going to milk the teat of life.

I am confident and I'm going to milk the teat of life.

I am confident and I'm going to milk the teat of life.

LAUGHS

Courtney!

Milk that teat, mate.

Do you know what?

I don't know why people moan so much.

I think I'm nailing pregnancy.

I feel amazing.

Erm, Courtney...

Oh, actually, I take that back.

I suddenly feel quite nauseous.

Have you been listening to my morning affirmations again?

Yes, I have.

Actually, I think we've run out of milk.

Do you mind if I borrow one of your teats?

The morning affirmation is supposed

to give me a boost first thing in the day.

It's slightly undermined by a cackling witch at the door.

I don't know why you're getting so worked up.

Well, the reason I'm getting so worked up, if you must know,

is that I've had an epiphany.

Oh, Dan,

you should probably put your coat down, because Jonathan's had one

of his epiphanies, again.

Tell me, would the epiphany be that you realised you made

a massive mistake with Claire? Yeah. And that suddenly she's going to see

all of this self-improvement and whatever

it is that you're wearing and suddenly want to take

you back again.

Well, that is sort of the gist of it, OK,

but there is a lot more nuance to it than that.

Well, that makes sense, because Claire did say that her ideal

man is somebody that talks to himself in Lycra.

Yes. Well, I am going to get her back.

All right? I'm just playing the long game.

Christ, you know, avoiding asking her back

is not playing the long game.

You're not milking the teat.

It's very much un-milked.

In fact, the teat is dry! OK, yes, can see you're enjoying the teat thing.

I get it. It's just a complicated situation...

Seriously, you just need to ask her back - like, today.

CHUCKLING: Oh, sorry.

That was about something unrelated.

Definitely not about the idea of Jonathan taking action.

Do you know what, Dan? I actually think you're right.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to go see Claire now.

I'm going to do it. I'm actually going to do it right now.

If you do go and see Claire, though, I would definitely consider popping

a little sock down there

just to, you know, pad it out.

Look, I'm actually a grower, not a shower, and I'm not currently

in, like, a combat situation.

Fuck.

He's never going to ask her back. Not a chance.

Hi, Claire. Hi, Claire. Oh, hi.

What are you doing here? Thought I was getting mugged by a horse.

Yeah, well, I just thought I'd check in.

Check in on me walking my own son to school?

What? No, that would be weird.

Besides, if I was going to do that, I'd watch from a distance, you know?

But that's not what I'm doing. I actually...

I've wanted to talk to you about something, actually.

Oh, God. Go on.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to see my son before work. Is that weird?

Yeah, it is. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Anyway... Yeah,

listen, can I ask you a serious question?

Yeah. Is all the Lycra necessary?

Yes, it is, Claire, because I'm going straight to work after this, so...

What, via the velodrome? Yeah. Very funny. Look...

Oh, my God. Are you wearing arse pants?

Yes, yeah, I am, but not for aesthetic reasons, actually.

It's just... I did a long bike ride the other day

and I got off the bike and it felt like I'd been in prison.

OK? Is there anything else you want to comment on?

Yeah, one last thing. Where are the socks?

Well, I just...

Claire, oh, look at you!

Mwah, mwah, you look spectacular.

Thank you. Jonathan.

Yeah, Tom, we're actually in the middle of something.

You two still on for the fundraiser tonight?

We were just saying we might need to find an extra item

for the auction, and it would be hilarious if you did it!

What? You know, one of those "offer your services" things.

Although I would advise not wearing this body condom, though!

I like the Lycra. I think it brings out your curves.

Um...yeah.

Thank you. Look, Tom, I'm not sure, to be honest with you.

Oh, what, you don't care about kids having textbooks, huh?

Obviously I care about kids having textbooks, but... No, no, I guess

it's one of those "someone else raise the money, not in my back yard" things, yeah.

Well, I mean, those two things are not connected.

Look, it just gives me anxiety thinking about it.

It's like getting picked last for sports at school. Jonathan,

it's a favours auction.

Just doing little jobs for people around the house.

It's got nothing to do with sports.

Wish I'd had nothing to do with sports.

Oh, is that a sports injury? Yes.

I was watching Strictly and I fell over my cat.

Hmm. Worst comes to the worst,

I'll bid on you, but I absolutely won't want you if I win!

Sorted.

Well, it's not actually sorted, mate. I don't... Oh, that man.

You know, I once saw him tell a kid he was shit at skipping.

He's a turd. Don't let him get in your head.

I won't. Thank you. You're welcome.

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, right. Yes. Yeah.

Well, er...um...

Er, um....

CLEARS THROAT

Are you going to the fundraiser?

Yeah.

I just said, I'm going to pop in and show my face.

I'm going, too. OK, great.

Right, so we can...

I can see you there, if you like.

Well, yes, we will both be there.

So it goes without saying. OK, great. So that's brilliant.

I'll see you there.

Looking forward to it.

Yeah. Ah...

I've just seen where your socks are.

Yeah, OK. Have a good day.

I mean, I felt absolutely fine.

So I can't imagine there'll be any issues.

The doctor would explain if there's any issues.

Are there any issues?

The doctor will come and explain any issues.

OK. But just the way that you're talking, you make

it sound like there are issues, but you're just not telling us.

Yeah.

Yeah, the doctor will come and explain any issues.

Are you an animatronic doll?

Are there any issues or not?

I mean, there are no clear issues that I can see.

OK, great. Well done.

Yeah, well...

No, don't put that away, please.

You put it back on, because we would...

we would like to find out what the sex is, this time.

Yeah, we can do that. We do that, right.

There you go.

And we just...

Yes...

Would you be excited if I told you...you were having a girl?

BOTH SQUEAL

My goodness!

Oh, no, sorry. Oh, sorry.

Could you stop that, please? Sorry. No, that...

That's a penis. That's a boy.

What?

Yeah.

No, I've made...yeah. Is that a joke? No.

I'm going to get a doctor, I think.

Never thought it could be a boy.

Yeah, there was always a chance.

Half, actually.

My God. I mean, we have no idea how to raise a boy.

What are we even going to call it?

Well, let's think of some possible boy names.

Well, not James. Why not?

Because the name on his badge was James, and he was a twat.

OK, but if we're ruling out all the people you think are twats,

we might as well just call him Boy and be done with it.

Boy.

No, no, that, that was a joke.

Look, Jonathan, Jonathan.

Jonathan, I can't talk right now.

Yeah, but, Dan, I've got good news.

Oh, my God. She took you back?

Well, no, not exactly.

She's coming to the fundraiser.

So you managed to achieve Claire going to an event

that she was already going to.

Dan, that's the thing. She's coming with me.

Really? Like, sort of.

I mean, yeah, she was coming anyway, but she's, I'm, we'll both be there.

OK, goodbye, Jonathan.

Yeah, but, Dan, this is my...

Erm, excuse me.

Phones aren't allowed in the tea room.

Sorry.

That's Toby off the name list.

Prick. Right.

Why don't we think of names that we might actually like?

Yeah. OK.

Well, I once got goosed at a bar by a guy called Liam, so that's out.

And I met a Scott once. He was a prick.

OK, but this still feels like we're talking about names

that we DON'T like.

Harry's a lovely name.

I'm not naming our son after a fucking wizard. Sh!

No, you shush, Toby with your shit name!

This heart has wings

And it will fly to you

This heart it sees...

Nothing will stop me getting what I want.

Nothing will stop me.

CHUCKLING

Courtney!

SHE LAUGHS

Claire, I want you back.

Sorry,

I forgot about the fundraiser.

I just need to pop in.

It's OK, gorgeous.

Obviously that's fine.

But it does mean that you owe me.

Oh, yeah, what do I owe you?

Well, are we at the stage of doing sex jokes yet?

Well, we're at the stage of doing sex, so I would have thought so!

OK, well, I was thinking, er...

..well, sex stuff. Oh, OK.

Yeah.

So sex stuff is, sex stuff is fine.

Here's a question.

Would it be cool if I came to pick you up at this fundraiser

and then met Spencer?

Yeah. I mean, you know, if by cool, you mean wildly anxiety-inducing?

Yeah, well, listen, totally up to you.

And there is zero pressure from me in the slightest, but, I mean,

you told him about me weeks ago now, right?

Yeah, of course I did.

You know, sometimes it's easier to just get these things out the way,

you know, rip off the Band-Aid. Yeah, yeah,

look, I mean, I get it.

I do.

It's just, erm...

Well, it's complicated, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Totally.

Just, just putting it out there.

Some might call it pressure, but others might call it someone

who's keen to push the relationship along

and, actually, it's adorable. It is adorable!

Anyway, one for ongoing discussion.

Yeah. Yeah. In the future.

Yeah. Yeah.

Though, I guess, in a way, tonight's the future. Yeah, OK.

Sold for £80.

A hamper of some nondescript meats and a cheese.

Right. We're going to take a little break,

but we'll be back with a human auction.

Slavery's back, baby.

Sorry, that's...

Right, guys, I'm asking Claire tonight.

We know. So, what's your plan?

What do you mean, plan?

How are you going to do it?

I don't know, I'm just going - I'm just going to, like, ask her.

Wasn't that part of the reason why it ended in the first place?

You didn't make an effort?

I have made an effort. I'm wearing a shirt and a jumper.

More of an effort. Like, make it a moment.

Well, look, there's a band setting up.

You could ask them to play a song that you both love.

Do you know what? That is actually not a bad idea.

I think I'm going to do that.

Do you know what? For a new hobby,

you should try getting some ideas of your own.

Oh, do you know what? For a new hobby, you-you should...

What, Jonathan? Just shut up, Courtney.

OK. Thanks for dropping me.

It's basic gentleman stuff, that, driving a woman, in her own car.

Right, well, I'll be parked over there somewhere,

where I won't be seen.

You're going to wait here? Yeah. Easier, no?

Do you not think a solitary man sitting in a school car park

is a bit weird?

You're right.

I could just come in. No.

Er, like I said, it's not a good idea, Brett...cos...

..Spencer...might react badly.

Oh.

Well, how did he react when you told him about me?

What? When you told him about me, how did he react?

He was happy.

So he was happy with the idea of a Brett.

But...

But you don't think that he would like actual Brett?

Is that what you're saying?

Look, why don't I just go in there, see how he is,

and if it's a good time for him to meet a Brett,

then I'll let you know.

OK. That sounds great.

OK. Oh, shit. Should I get changed? No, no, we're not talking about...

It's a child.

OK, I'll be quick.

I'll wait for your signal!

OK.

Actually, do you want to park around the corner?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, right around the corner, OK?

Erm, excuse me.

Erm, excuse me.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can, actually.

Erm, I—I wanted to ask if...

Come on, spit it out.

Sorry. Well, I was just wondering if it's possible to play...

We don't do requests.

Well, we could. Shut up, Dave!

Do you think Buddy and Hendrix took requests?

Well, I mean, I suppose it's possible if Buddy or Hendrix

were in a situation where they're at a school fundraiser,

they might do, you know, sort of in the early days, but...

I mean, I guess your point is-is no.

Yeah. It's a no.

All right, Jonathan? Seeing if they need someone on tambourine?!

No, no, erm...

It's SO good to see you, Claire.

It is SO good to see you too, Jonathan.

Look, just so you know, my strategy is show my face,

get a raffle ticket, do one. Well, no, you should stay.

I mean, you know, look, obviously, if you want to go, it's chill,

You know, just sort of... "Chill"? ..enjoy the vibe, you know, hang around.

Why?

Well, because, you know, it's, it's...

It's fun, isn't it?

Jonathan, it's a PTA fundraiser.

The level of fun decreases with every minute spent here.

Why would I stick around?

Well, because, um...Spencer's performing.

Is he? Oh, shit. Well, he didn't tell me.

Well, he wanted to be a surprise.

Like a complete surprise.

So don't ask me any follow-up questions, because I am a steel...

It's locked. That is locked. If you wanted to try and unlock it,

I'd say I don't even know the combination.

It's locky.

Oh, is that why you were talking to the band, about Spencer's performance?

Yes. Yes, that is why I was talking to the band. Because he's performing.

Yeah, we were just... Yeah, that is exactly what was happening there.

OK.

Yeah, he's good.

But if it was me, I would have gone straight into half guard

and then gone for the... BOTH: Head choke!

SPENCER CHUCKLES

What would you have done, Spence?

Too many options.

Are you into jujitsu?

I just like,

I just like all fighting, to be honest.

You know, punching, kicking, punch-kicking.

All of it. Jujitsu's more of an art form.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Exactly.

Art form.

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ.

I think these have got crack in them.

Is it possible to orgasm from sugar?

Do you mind? There are children around.

Yes.

And God forbid they discover what an orgasm is.

Your wife certainly hasn't.

Yeah, I know. That's Tom off the list.

It's not going to happen, guys. I'll just do it tomorrow.

Oh, that's a good idea. And tomorrow you'll say you'll do it tomorrow.

And do you know what's going to happen the next day?

You'll say that you'll do it... Yeah. OK, I get your point, Dan.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, because Claire's leaving and the band don't do requests, so it's game over.

Yeah, that does seem like an insurmountable obstacle.

So what I'm hearing is that you're not going to ask back

the love of your life because a band of geriatrics

won't take a request.

Jesus wept, Jonathan.

I'll ask them.

You know, they're not going to turn down a pregnant woman.

Really? Yes.

What's the song?

I don't want to say.

It is quite difficult to request an unspecified song.

OK, I'll whisper it.

Is that a joke? No.

Really? Yes.

Fuck me.

Right, let's go and do that, then.

Thank you.

Are you really not going to tell me what the song is?

I would rather not, OK?

It's the song that I played when I first took Claire back

to my place and we got, you know, intimate.

And you're saying that that's less embarrassing than telling me what the song is?

I don't want to give you the visual of, sort of, that song playing,

and I'm kind of...

I asked them to play your special song.

Yeah. Guess what they said.

What? Yes.

After the auction.

Seriously? Yes, Jonathan.

OK, so now you just can't let Claire leave. Fucking hell, guys,

I'm actually going to do this. BOTH: Yes, Jonathan.

OK, good.

Yeah, I'll have a whole, whole strip of raffle tickets, please.

Thanks.

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Please don't.

Please don't come in.

No, no, no!

Please, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh! Claire?

Claire...

Dad, Dad, Dad...?

What?!

What's half guard? What? Can you tell me some stuff about fighting?

What? Are you in trouble?

No. Can you just tell me some jujitsu terms?

Well, I suppose...I don't know.

Nunchuks.

I can't go back and say nunchuks. Spencer, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

OK? But if school taught me anything, it's just fake it till

you make it, all right? Just sort of nod in agreement and say things like, "and the rest",

or "that's what I did last time".

What? Oh, hi, Claire. Hi.

Look, I know it's supposed to be a surprise, but I do

need to know when your performance is going to be.

What performance?

Your dad told me you're doing a performance.

I-I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't want to perform.

Jonathan, what's going on?

Look, I know it looks bad, OK? But everything will become clear after the auction.

Can you just stay till after the auction, please? Why? What's happening after the auction?

Nothing in particular, but it'll just... It will explain everything.

Can you just please stay? Please.

The thing is... Jonathan, you're up.

OK, just five minutes. That's all I need. Five minutes.

OK, fine. Fine!

Am I still performing?

No, Spencer.

Fake it till you make it. What are you offering?

Sorry. What do you mean?

Well, no-one wants a free speed-awareness session.

So, what are you good at? For the auction!

You know, I'm great at plumbing and, well, provide a bit of eye candy.

You obviously don't have that.

So what, what can you do?

Erm... Well, I, erm,

I was the youngest person in Horsham to get my 50m swimming badge.

Jesus Christ.

I'll just make something up.

Swimming? Are you high?!

OK. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Our next lot doesn't necessarily look like the handiest of blokes,

but what he lacks in expertise, I assure you, he makes

up for with mumbled apologies.

OK. So who will start the bidding?

Ah...

Yeah. Um...

To be expected, really, isn't it?

I mean, come on.

£50! From his sister.

I do suggest other people bidding just to avoid

this becoming incredibly sad.

What are you doing? Can't let him go for nothing before he asks Claire back.

£60. Ah, good.

60. And amazingly, from someone he isn't related to.

Wow. £70.

I'm not losing. Oh, gosh, his sister seems really determined.

Right. I imagine that's it. All finished at 70. £80.

Yes, 80. 90. Stop it. What? £100.

Please, no, no, no, no, no.

110! This is ridiculous.

Incredibly, there seems to be a really bizarre bidding war.

Go back. Go back, please. Why?

110.

Are there any more offers on 110, anyone?

300 Great British pounds. Wow!

Sold for the highest amount of any lot

at a PTA fundraiser.

£300?!

Er-er, and now time for some music.

That was bizarre. Mate, you're on.

I've already said, I don't do requests, but the band has agreed

to do an instrumental, if you want.

Jonathan, what are you doing? She's about to leave.

Erm...

BACKGROUND ECHOING: Nothing will stop me getting what I want.

I've just seen where your socks are.

RAPID HEARTBEATS

Milk that teat, mate.

OK...

Hot in...

MIC WHINES

So hot in here

Oh!

Go on.

With a little bit-a ah-ah

Just a little bit-a uh-uh

I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious, flirtatious,

Trying to show patience,

Looking for the right time to shoot my steez

You know, Looking for the right time to flash them keys

Then, uh, I'm leaving' best believin'

Me and the rest of my heathens

HE FORGETS LYRICS ..the top of the Four Seasons...

Checked in, rooftop, birds I'm pleasin'

No deceiving, nothing up my sleeve and no teasing

What you need is to get up, up on the dance floor...

HE SCATS

Cos I feel like bustin' loose and I feel like touching you

Cos can't nobody stop the juice

Baby, baby, tell me, what's the use?

I said it's getting hot in here

So take off all your clothes

STRAINED FALSETTO: I am getting so hot

I want to take my clothes off...

Jonathan. Jonathan. What?

What? Claire's gone.

What?

Woo!

Woo-woo!

Woo!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Woo!

Look, can I be honest and say I'm...

I'm not sure why you are so angry.

I mean, you've told 'em about me.

I haven't told them.

What?

I haven't told them.

Right.

Well, that makes more sense.

Look, it's not cos I'm not committed to you.

It's just...

Well, it's going to be horrible.

But I will.

I will tell them - tomorrow.

Oh, God, I'm dumped, aren't I?

No.

And, to be fair, my behaviour tonight was incredibly irritating.

Well, shall we call it even, then?

Come on.

I'm so sorry, Jonathan.

I had no idea.

God, he's really good-looking, isn't he?

Are you all right?

Not great, to be honest.

Yes, he is disgustingly fit.

If you want to talk about it, I know a great therapist.

Thanks, Dan. Dad! Oh, hey, mate.

You all right? Did you see what went on in there?

Yeah. What was that about?

Well, you know, just sometimes if you've got skills to show,

you've got to show them skills, you know?

Maybe don't tell your mum, eh?

Look, I'm sorry about in there.

I wasn't really a great dad.

I was a bit distracted. Actually, your advice was amazing.

That "fake it till you make it" really worked.

Oh, so, maybe I'm a great dad after all.

So I've done the "fake it" part.

But now I just need to become a red belt in jiujitsu by next Tuesday.

OK, so not that great.

How about we all go back inside and have a little dance?

I want to see if I can still twerk with a bump.

What do you say, Nelly?

AS NELLY: Let's do it! Don't do that.

That is Nelly. He does not do that.

He does, well, he just goes... Nelly's not a bad name.

Nelly's an awful name, for a boy.

Great name for an elephant. Who's Nelly?

Oh, it's getting hot in here

So take off all your clothes

I am getting so hot

I wanna take my clothes off

It's getting hot in here

So take off all your clothes

I am getting so hot

I wanna take my clothes off

Mix a little bit of Ah-ah

With a little bit of Ah-ah

Let it just fall out

Give a little bit of Ah-ah

Girl, baby make it Ah-ah

Oh!

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