Original subtitles

.

- [laughing] Yes!

Yes!

Death.

- Mr. Griffin?

- What? What? I-I told you

today was a day for quiet reflection.

- Can we at least do a Miles Mission?

- Not needed today.

I'm writing a book that's going to crush him,

so everyone stop talking.

Just go to sleep. Does anyone know any lullabies?

- ♪ The sun is yawning

♪ It's sleepy-time

♪ Dreams are spawning

♪ Clouds decline

- O-okay. Interesting.

Is that an original? Yeah?

All right, well, I have a lot of follow-up questions,

but I will not get sucked into any of this today.

[Pixies' "U-Mass"]

♪

- ♪ In the sleepy west

♪ Of the woody east

♪ Is a valley full

♪ Full o' pioneer

♪ We're not just kids

♪ To say the least

♪ We got ideas

♪ To us that's dear

♪ Like capitalist

♪ Like communist

[mechanical clanking]

- [yelps] Ah!

Stupid water heater!

- ♪ You've heard about

♪ And redneckers

♪ They get us pissed

[music stops]

- [exhales]

Jack, my friend, you just wrote your way

out of this dried-up turd of a town.

- Did you just call Toledo a dried-up turd town?

- I did. I did, and it is.

And thanks to this book I finished,

I will not be here much longer, hence the champagne.

It's a beautiful day outside.

Why don't we call it early?

Cheers, guys!

[chuckles]

[door closes] - We've got some time.

How about the rest of that lullaby?

- Sure!

♪ The sun is yawning

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

♪ It's sleepy-time - One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[cell phone chiming]

- Hey! Jack-O!

I got your text.

What's the big news?

- Well, I just finished writing a new book,

and I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are.

- Yeah, it's my friend Jack.

He wrote a book!

- Jack! - Way to go!

- Are you at a party? - Uh, no, more of a--

it's like a chill sesh, really.

Um, that's David Eggleston, my, uh, publisher.

Steve Jones... from the Sex Pistols!

[laughs] And, uh, Bill Nye!

- I'm sorry, what is happening?

- We're all in the same meditation class.

Oh, and this is Fiona.

Uh, she's a model.

At Warby Parker!

Clever as well.

Where are you?

- Oh, I'm, um...

I'm actually also-- I'm at my

lady friend's apartment.

- Is she 75? [laughs]

- All this old lady stuff is-- she's being ironic.

You know. - Yo, what's up, Jack?

- Oh! Flav's here with the nachos!

- Wait, Flavor Flav was in your meditation class?

- No. I'm just a fan of Miles.

His book changed my life.

Philosophy, boy-ee!

- Ah! So, what's your book about... boy-ee?

- Well, I can tell you what it isn't.

It's not some upbeat pop philosophy

with a dumb title like "A Hundred Smiles

in Your Pocket" or some... - [laughs]

- Yeah, no, my book is the real deal.

It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death."

It's tough stuff, but I think it's really gonna resonate.

- Hey! Eggleston's one of the top boys as Colfax.

Have you sent them a copy?

- Yes, Miles, I didn't forget to send

my book out to one of the biggest

publishing houses in the country.

- Great, then I shall put in a good word.

Not to brag, but they're kind of obsessed with me.

- He's the best! - Oh, shut up.

Oh, it-- ah, he--

listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh,

because David Blaine's about to levitate

on the driveway.

See ya!

- Why is Miles getting to hang out with a Sex Pistol?

I should be hanging out with a Sex Pistol.

[upbeat percussive music]

- You gotta get the... - I know...

- Oh, look at you two sharing another Cobb salad.

You know what I say.

Share everything except negativity.

both: Mm-hmm. - And napkins.

- Yeah, we're with you. - Oh, crap!

Superintendent's been on hold for 42 minutes.

- Wow. - Good job, Helen.

- Okay, guys, uh, we need to update

everyone's emergency contact info.

As you know, last week, Mrs. Kenwood had a fall.

We called her emergency contact.

Turns out it was her ex-boyfriend

and current stalker.

Long story short, he already knew.

Not a good guy. Okay.

So let's get started.

Michelle has put down her husband, Keith.

- Dreamboat alert!

- Michelle, please, we need to get through this quickly.

Stef has put down Mary.

- Cobb club!

- Okay, can we just-- thank you.

Mary has put down Michelle, and Cathy has put down Ben--

- Wait. What did you just say?

Mary, what is the deal, girl?

We were sitting next to each other

when we filled these out.

I put you down, and I told you to put me down.

- Right, you definitely told me to put you down,

but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I decided

to put Michelle down.

Don't have a Stef freak-out and start yelling.

- I am not yelling!

Ralph, am I yelling?

- Ralph, would you call this yelling?

- Would you consider this a yell?

'Cause I think this is a very low-decibel "Ralph"!

- Ralph, when someone yells-- - I don't even yell, Ralph!

I have a change of voice, Ralph!

- Hey! Oh, I can't do this. Walk away, Ralph.

- You know what?

You can share your lunch with someone else.

And give me my damn tomato.

This is mine.

- You can have half my beefy broccoli.

It really needs to be eaten today.

It's right on the edge.

[upbeat percussive music]

- All right, well, you didn't get it.

♪

Oh, come on.

♪

Even the Germans?

Tell you guys, man, the whole publishing world now

is filled with a bunch of corporate frat guys

just so busy high-fiving themselves

and quoting "Scarface" to appreciate real genius.

I'm gonna be stuck in this dead-end hell town forever.

- Yesterday you called it a dried-up turd town.

- Sounds like you're warming up to Toledo.

[cell phone chiming]

- Uh, quick, everybody, uh, pretend

you're at a fancy cocktail party.

- This is a wonderful fancy cocktail.

- Free shrimp, I can just... eat as much shrimp as I want?

All of it? - Alcohol.

Because we're grown-ups.

- Stop! Okay. All right. That's enough. Plan B.

Just cover your mouths and shut up.

Don't say anything. Hello! Miles!

- Hey! Jack-O.

Brilliant news.

My publishers want to work with you.

- Your publishers want to work with me?

Great, well, tell 'em they better hurry up

'cause I'm about to close a number of deals

on "A Philosophy of Death."

You know, big deals.

A big number of-of big deals.

- No, uh, not a problem, 'cause the guys at Colfax

didn't actually want that book.

They felt it was a little dark.

But they loved your other idea.

- What other idea?

- "A Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket."

- I was being sarcastic. - Uh, oh, were you?

Well, they love it.

A hundred fun, easily digestible

philosophy nuggets that help you smile!

- I've got the lemons!

- Steve, mate, I'm on the blower here, bro.

S-sorry, Jack, it's Steve Jones.

- Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols?

Are you kidding me, Miles, what is happening over there?

- I know, right?

Weirdest week ever.

- Yeah, all right, well, you know,

look, I'm not a sellout,

so why don't you go ahead

and find some other clown

to fill your pants with smiles?

- Ah, mm, that's a shame, 'cause, I mean,

it would mean a $40,000 advance.

- Uh, 40-- well, yeah, I'm gonna do it!

I mean, of course I'm gonna--

what was the idea, though, again?

"A Mile of Smiles in Your Bonnet"?

I'll write it down this time.

.

- [chuckles]

Oh, magnificent.

- Your new water heater's ready to go.

- Great! Thank you, Jiffy.

- That's the name of the company.

My name's Don. - Your name's Don?

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

All right, well, I don't have time

to read your whole shirt, pal.

All right, thanks. Take care.

- All right, you're all set.

Time for you to get to know your remote.

- I-I think I got it, man.

Um, and do me a favor, leave the box.

I think I'm gonna be moving to New York City soon.

Yeah, oh, and, uh, why don't you get

something nice for your wife?

- Ooh. Thank you.

But I do not have a wife.

I want a wife so much.

- Okay. All right. Off you go.

Thank you.

[cell phone chiming and buzzing]

Hey! Miles.

- Howdy-hi, Jack-O! How's the book coming along?

- It's going great-- hey, speaking of, uh,

when can I expect that, uh, money to hit my account?

- Listen, that's why I'm calling you.

You need to fly out to New York on Friday

and just do a little dog and pony show

for the guys at Colfax.

- So, what, I gotta bro out with a bunch of middle-aged

frat guys who know nothing about good writing?

- No, you just gotta present some "smiles."

- Sure, man. Uh, yeah, whatever.

- Well, then, I shall tell them full steam ahead.

Listen, I've gotta go-- me and David Blaine

are getting our teeth whitened.

More. [laughs]

Mental. Ciao for now.

- Aw!

Why does he get to...

[upbeat percussive music]

Excuse me.

- Hey, Jack!

Have you ever seen a turtle

with a kitten riding on its back?

- Uh, no.

- Well, you got somethin' to look forward to, hon.

- You know, this incessant happy talk

is a form of harassment.

- Aww.

What you got there?

- It's an Italian espresso maker for the faculty lounge.

- Fancy. Does it make cocoa?

Because I'm a strict cocoa-tarian.

[wheezes]

- You know, I mean this in the nicest possible way,

but you might be the worst person I've ever met.

- I'm gonna squeeze the candy out of ya!

- See, I really don't like blue cheese.

- Oh, just...

Just laugh real hard at whatever I say.

Just... yes?

- Oh-ho-ho!

[both laughing]

- Hoo! - Oh-ho!

[both laughing]

- Quick, tell me the funniest thing

you've ever heard in your entire life.

- Um... oh, well, Keith made me the cutest lunch.

- [laughs] Yes!

- Ha-ha! You... [laughs]

[all laughing]

[clock ticking]

- You're just staring. You're not doing anything.

- Actually...

You know what I want to know from you guys?

Tell me, what makes you smile?

- This feels like a trap. - No, no, it's not a trap.

Come on, guys. Extra credit.

Wh-what makes you happy?

- Getting my biology book back.

- Mutant strains.

- My iPhone. - "Star Wars" LEGOs.

- Dinner with my dad

every third Wednesday.

- I got one-- so an African-American,

a Mexican-American, and a honky walk into a bar--

- No. No. Uh-uh.

No, we're not gonna-- we're not gonna do that.

That's-that's not what I'm talking about.

Think more, like, warm and fuzzy, you know?

And-and don't be afraid to share somethin'

that just makes you feel good.

- It feels really good to pee in the shower.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I know.

But that's-that's not what I mean.

[feedback whines] - Sorry to interrupt

all the learnin', but I got a little bad news.

The wasps have overtaken the band room again,

so practice is canceled.

Don't be sad, though,

because every frown is just a smile

you're lookin' at the wrong way!

[feedback whines]

- Oh, Helen, you beautiful idiot.

[upbeat percussive music]

[door closes]

♪

Hey!

- Good morning!

- There she is. Uh, Helen, would you like

to come to dinner tonight at my place?

- I knew I shouldn't have worn this low-cut blouse.

Jack, I am sorry, but you're just not my type.

- No! No, it's not that.

I just thought it might be nice

for us to get to know each other.

- Really?

Well, I would love that!

Looks like somebody got bit by the sweetie bug!

- Right on my li'l bum-bum.

- Oh! - [laughs]

- Your bum-bum!

Oh, that's so cute!

I have not heard "bum-bum."

I am gonna have a nip slip on this.

.

- Jack.

That was the most sumptuous plate of food

I have ever had in my whole life.

- Yeah. Spaghetti's good.

Uh, but listen, there is...

another reason why I brought you here tonight.

- Damn this blouse!

- No, Helen, it's not the-- it's never gonna be the blouse,

all right, I just, I'm working on a book

to help people smile, and I thought,

well, who makes me smile more than anyone?

- Helen? - Yeah.

Ha-ha. Helen does.

So, um, I need your help.

- Oh, I'd be so honored to help you with your book.

You know what I always say.

Always go for a second helping of helping!

- Okay, yes! That's the stuff I need.

Yeah, I-I need-- I need more of those.

You got a bunch of those?

- Well, how about we get together tomorrow,

maybe lunchtime,

and I can give you a whole bunch of 'em--

- No, no, no. No, uh, now.

I need 'em now.

- Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out.

It's almost 8:30.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, just--

I just need-- I need 75 more of these,

and then we're good-- come on, we can do it.

Look, I'll, uh, I'll make us some coffee.

- Oh, I-I really shouldn't. - Helen.

What's one cup?

- Ugh, God, that smells good.

High fives and low fives are better than no fives!

- Ha-ha!

- If somebody calls you a wet blanket,

ask 'em how they'd like it in a desert

if they saw you there.

Are you getting this?

- Yes. Yes. M-more. More.

- If you step on a berry, you just made some jam!

I think I need more coffee, Jack.

If you pass gas when you leave a room,

it's called a toodle-oo!

- That the first half of something?

- If you spill your milk,

it's just a paper towel gettin' a promotion!

Oh, my God, here's a good one, Jack.

If you escape the womb, you can escape anything!

Boom!

- I am gonna be rich.

[upbeat percussive music]

[phone ringing]

- [snoring]

- So that was the Wikipedia entry,

and this is your paper.

- Okay, Ralph.

It is the third Friday of the month.

Funky Friday?

The day that Mary and I usually break out the karaoke machine?

Well, today, Mary can suck an egg,

because you and I are going to crush a duet.

- Oh, no, I haven't performed in years.

I mean, I played trombone in a ska band in college.

You know, the Skanky Doodles.

We had a killer rendition of "Proud to Be an American,"

all ska'd out, and, you know, it was ironic.

But also, no, we were very patriotic

but also questioned everything.

You know, the... '90s were nuts!

- You'll be fine.

No one's gonna be looking at you anyway.

See you later, girl!

[door handle shuffles]

- What is this? - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's my presentation. Give me that.

Don't ever go through my stuff again,

or I'll beat your ass with whatever I can... find.

- Aw, you seem upset.

Yo, maybe this will cheer you up.

Fries are like jeans-- they, uh, go with anything.

- [laughs] That's very funny.

You know what's really gonna cheer me up?

All the money I'm gonna get from the millions

of people who buy my new book.

- "Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket"?

That's lame.

- "You grow each day.

Just ask your fingernails."

- Yeah, well, of course it sounds terrible

when Marcus reads it.

- This is the book you told Miles

you weren't gonna write.

- It seems like you're selling out, boss.

- No, this isn't selling out.

Let me just explain how the world works.

You see, sometimes, you write something

that's just so brilliant

that dum-dums don't want to publish it.

So you go schmooze with a couple Chad Bro Chillingtons,

you know, and then you crank out

whatever drivel they want, get paid.

- That is the exact definition of selling out.

- Yeah, well, I'll be sure to explain that

to the Sex Pistols when we're watching

David Copperfield levitate in my hot tub.

- Maybe he can pull your integrity out of a hat.

- He certainly made your principles disappear.

Right? - Ha. Magic puns.

Yeah, nice.

The ultimate indicator of popularity.

You know what? I'm gonna take off,

go to the airport early,

grab a Cinnabon.

- I got it-- "Maybe David Copperfield

could pull a rabbit out of--"

- Dude, he left.

.

- It is Friday! Who's ready to get funky?

- Hey, guys.

- Me and my bestie are going to sing it out.

Come on, Durbs. - All right. Ahem.

- ♪ I tell you what I want, what I really ♪

♪ Really want, so tell me what you want ♪

♪ What you really, really want ♪

- ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ Really, really, really want to zig-a-zig-nope! ♪

Guys, I'm sorry, this... ugh, this is wrong.

All right? And I don't mean my singing.

I think I surprised everyone, including myself,

with how good I was, but Mary and Stef,

you guys, you've had the smallest disagreement,

a-and you're both being so stubborn.

I mean, one of you has gotta step up

and be the bigger woman.

- I know he did not just say "bigger woman."

- Fine, you know what, I guess--

I guess I did freak out a little bit

because I was jealous that you picked Michelle,

and I thought we agreed we were picking each other.

- But we didn't agree.

You told me to put you down and just thought

I would follow along, and I usually do.

Cobb club. Funky Friday.

Getting our nails done on the 14th of every month.

Gotta come up with a name for that one.

- So you don't like all of that stuff.

- No, I love it!

But that doesn't mean I'm gonna blindly do everything you say.

Besides, I only chose Michelle as my emergency contact

'cause if something crazy happened to me,

well, you'd be right by my side doing it too.

Remember the last time we almost died?

Drunk, topless, parasailing in the Bahamas?

- Mm-hmm. Girl, you're right.

I guess if there was an emergency,

chances are we'd be in it together.

You know what, Ralph?

Make Michelle my emergency contact too.

- Aww! You're so sweet!

- Mm-hmm.

- So, okay, worst-case scenario,

how long do you want me to wait

before I give that plug a little yank?

- Jeez, Michelle! - Long! Very long!

- Okay. Okay.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[elevator dings]

♪

- All right, come on, bitch.

Come on, bitch.

You got this, bitch.

Don't be a bitch!

[elevator dings]

[music stops]

Come on, bitch. You little bitch!

Hey! What's up, bro?

What's up, bronies?

Hey, brosephinas. Nice.

Oh! It's the Egg-Man from the FaceTime.

[as Al Pacino] Say hello to my little friend.

Mm? Oh? Yep. [imitates fireworks]

- Hey, Jack.

Uh, we're really excited about this.

- Totally.

- You okay, Jack?

- No.

No, guys, I can't, uh...

I can't do this.

[sighs] Look, I, uh...

I want to tell you guys about something better.

It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death."

That's me.

That's what I'm about.

- Yeah, I thought Miles told you.

It's not something we're interested in.

- Well, that's the only book on the table today, so...

- We get it, Jack, I mean,

the smile book must have been pretty tough for you to write.

- Hold on a second there. Who said it was tough?

'Cause that wasn't tough, all right?

And if you guys read what I wrote, you'd love it.

You'd go nuts. You'd buy it in a heartbeat.

Here, let me just-- hold on.

Oh, God.

Who threw away all this potato salad?

- That was mine. Sorry.

- All right, well, whatever, I'm just gonna hit you guys

with a couple of these smiles here.

Uh, number 22.

"It's not a flat tire, it's a swing."

[laughs]

Smile 46: "If you step on a berry,

you just made jam."

See, I think I've proven my point.

You know, I can-- I can crank out

the kind of crap you guys want, but guess what?

You're never gonna get any of it.

- Yeah, none of this is what we wanted, at all.

- You know what, I'm glad I'm not moving

to this stupid city.

It's just filled with a bunch of sellouts

like you, Eggleston.

Yeah, you're all just a bunch

of fedora-wearing phonies!

- None of us have fedoras.

- Buddy... you are a fedora.

[dramatic music]

So, I wasn't able to hit Eggleston,

but I pee-peed on his building,

and I popped one of the interns pretty good.

There's a warrant for my arrest in New York,

but guess what?

I ain't in New York.

- So, a bunch of us read your book about death.

- Yeah, yeah, it's-- you know, it's... bleak.

- It was awesome.

- I can't stop thinking about it.

- Parts of it were, like, scary.

- And I like the part about how, uh,

destruction and creation are basically the same thing.

- Oh, or the mouse trap analogy.

That was about destruction, right?

- No, no, it was about creation.

- They're the same thing, idiot.

- No, that's the thing, it's a cyclical process, right?

[all talking indistinctly]

- I'm dying. - Totally.

- We're dying. Man, you dying!

You're dying-- you got a little sister?

She dying too!

[uplifting music]