Original subtitles

.

[school bell rings] - All right, everybody,

start to shut up. Let's go ahead

and wrap up your current sentences

and get yourselves to a quiet place.

- Mr. Griffin, Dan is in my seat.

- Okay, I didn't even know it was his.

You added me to this weird class,

and now I don't know what's going on.

- Calm down, calm down.

Let's don't be so rule-minded.

No point in your adult lives

will you ever have assigned seats.

Besides airplanes. - And jury duty.

- If I've already undercut myself, don't add to it.

'Kay? As you all know, this week we are

devoting our attention to the psychological dismantling

of my academic rival, Miles Leonard.

Miles happens to be British.

He also happens to be... adopted.

So this week we will practice and perfect

British accents. And whosever is best

will call him, posing as his biological birth mother

who he's never met, and tell him some sort of

devastating secret.

[percussive music]

Any questions? - Mr. Griffin,

are you seriously never gonna teach us biology at all?

- Sure, Sarika. Maybe, uh,

Pablo Picasso can come in and teach driver's ed.

Guys, I am a published Harvard philosophy professor.

I've no interest whatsoever

in teaching biology to you people, okay?

So drop it. It's a pretty sweet deal on the table--

play ball, get an A. Come on, let's make this easy.

I'm just trying to cope through a year in Toledo

with its miserable excuse for espresso.

[mug pieces clattering]

Put your hand down.

Next words I hear outta you better be in a British accent.

- [British accent] The bookstore at the mall

has good espresso... m'lord.

- Hey, not bad! Looks like Anthony's out

to an early lead. Nice.

Let's open it up. And remember...British.

Female.

Hurtful. Go.

[overlapping chatter with accents]

- The mocha latte...

- I abandoned you in the loo. - Okay, what is this class?

- * Next time I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time well I'll be smart *

*

[dramatic classical music playing]

*

[leather squeaking]

- [sighs] Ahh...

This is my sanctuary.

*

[soft dramatic sting]

- Wha--

[dramatic sting]

[double sting]

[upbeat edgy music]

It's fine.

Ah, it's fine.

[dramatic music]

Nope.

*

I was kicked outta the bookstore.

Tried to explain to the manager that their staff "pick"

was feel-good soft-core nonsense.

Yeah, I happened to gesture with my coffee hand,

you know, splashed a couple measly drops on the guy.

He starts throwing the word scalded around--

"You've scalded me!" Next thing I know,

this large-calfed tyrant has his troop of baboons

forcibly eject me.

So...new plan.

British accents weren't exactly taking off anyway.

We will now focus on taking down the Miles display.

You will infiltrate the store by getting jobs there

and changing the staff pick, thereby giving me

some semblance of sanctuary

in this chili dump of a town.

- Did Miles do something to you?

Did he get you fired from Harvard?

- No, Miles just has this, um...

You know, he--he's like-- You know those people that--

He wears scarves. Indoors, you know what I mean?

When he smiles it's like, "Ehh..." You know?

You just wanna-- It's just ehh--

You know, he's like one of those people.

Look, do I need to go on, or are you guys getting this?

- Couldn't you just find a sanctuary

in a different part of the store?

That seems easier than lashing out.

- Does everyone hear him the way I do?

The grating tone? That's gonna be fatal

in a job interview, bud.

- Mr. Griffin, we can't get jobs.

- Yes, you can! Look, it's easy.

Couple of you get in, you flip the pic,

and then quit, for all I care.

I mean, look, it's a minimum wage job.

These things are designed to be revolving door.

So...who here has ever been on a job interview?

- Once my grandma asked me

to help her dig onions in the yard.

- Okay. We're gonna need some practice.

[phone rings]

[ringing]

[ringing]

[ri--]

Hello? - Hey, sorry to interrupt you.

It's, uh, Principal Durbin from work.

I was hoping to see you

in my office when you have a moment?

- How's now? - How's--[laughs]

Well, you're teaching a class.

You can't literally mean now.

- I'm on my way.

- Well, you--

- Heather, I want you to take over for me, okay?

I want you to mock interview all these people.

You guys are gonna do great. Just need a little work.

It's gonna work.

- That's your signature scent. She can't--

Ah--pffft! She can't take that away from you.

Now, scoot.

Sorry, the kids come first.

You're Jack, right? - Yes.

- H.H. DeMarcus. I go by Helen.

How was Harvard?

- How was all of Harvard?

Uh...

let's go with good.

If Durbin's available now, I'd love to just--

- The annual bake sale is coming up,

and all teachers have to bring a baked good.

I do cream puffs, and people love 'em a lot.

But the most important part

is that we're raisin' money for the school.

And I'm gonna write down "Raisin' Money"

as a good cookie name.

I write them down when they come to me.

Now, you're getting off easy because you're new,

so I'm just gonna give you chocolate chip.

- I should have stopped you so much earlier.

Why would I ever do that?

- To show us how much Ram pride ya got!

- Oh, I see. No, we're on the same page.

Put me down as a definite no.

- You haven't gotten bitten by the Ram yet.

- Guess not. - Pam the Ram's comin' at ya.

Get ready! - Oh, the ram's name is Pam?

All rams are male.

- Pam's a trans ram.

[light music]

- [whispers] Yeah.

Okay.

- Jack comin' in!

[bluesy music]

- [sighs] Time to pay the piper, Jack.

- Wha--I love whatever this is.

Is it something from a movie?

- It's a Mercedes ad. Print.

[engine revs] "Never compromise."

- Ah! Well, you are nailin' it.

So I'm all ears.

- You gotta replace the school sign that you wrecked, homeboy.

Right? It was granite, very intricate,

very expensive work on the ram.

Jack, this is on you, and I never...

[click] compromise.

- It's funny--I've been meaning to bring this up myself.

See, my lawyers were asking if the sign was far enough back

from the road, legally speaking.

And my neck has--[laughs] really been hurting.

You see, the thing is...

I also never compromise.

- And as...a man who does not compromise,

I have to respect that.

And, um, I'm sure I can

trim some fat from the budget

and maybe find some folks who, unlike us,

are willing to compromise. - Ah.

Ahh! Look alive, Whitlock!

Durbin's on the warpath!

[door opens] All right, class,

I'm back, so start to shut...

up.

Hmm.

Heather, you, uh, finish those job interviews?

Yeah? Who'd ya hire?

Somebody had a lotta great references maybe, huh?

Maybe the boss' nephew.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

[laughing] These damn textbooks!

You should all take a page from how cool Dan Decker is.

You're not gonna see him

thumbing through a biology textbook.

- Nobody gave me one yet.

- Nobody even gave him one. How cool is that?

You know what?

Line up with your books over here. Come on.

Line up with your books, let's go.

Now, you see all these open windows?

Aaaaanybody wanna guess what happens next?

- Mr. Griffin, we can't throw out our books.

What about the AP test?

- Oh, can we not throw out the books?

[book thuds] Let's go.

Toss 'em, guys, toss 'em.

[thudding, bushes rustling]

Sarika Sarkar, you gonna be okay?

- Not without my book, no.

- Whaaaaah! [thud]

- How'd you know? - I didn't.

I didn't--Hand to God, I did not know.

Oh, man, I coulda really... [laughing]

I coulda really hurt you.

Whoo! Oh, man.

All right, I was gonna start in on the interview prep,

but I don't think I can do it, man.

But I could get arrested for something like that, dude.

[laughing]

- Coach. Coach Novak, I need to, uh,

talk to you about the budget.

I need to you, uh...

I need you to cut down on field chalk.

Can't be, you know, touching that up every day.

[ahem] I'm not gonna compromise.

- I get it. We're on the same team.

- Bu--R-really?!

- But while we're talkin' budget,

I need a new P.E. parachute.

The old one got snagged on a kid's belt buckle.

He got whipped across the room,

and his buckle gutted that chute like a trout.

[engine revs] - "Never compromise."

First off, I need to know

when students get whipped across the gym.

And secondly, I'm in cutting mode, so--

- Oh, I see. You headed straight to P.E., huh?

Bottom of the totem pole.

- Dick, I understand how crucial P.E. is.

- You know what I do here? I tire out the boys!

You realize what a bunch of hopped-up boys

who had full energy would do to this school?

- I'll get you the parachute.

Find a way to fix it.

[light music]

- If I didn't tire out the boys,

this school would be rubble by lunch!

- Remember, people, this is for the bookstore interview.

Posture. Eye contact.

And if I get the sense you're not really trying,

you get an F.

- I like big books, and I cannot lie.

- I have a 4.125 GPA.

- Never talk about grades. No one cares.

They have no impact on life.

Next!

And greatest weakness?

- My neck. - Very literal.

- I couldn't even hold my head up until I was five years old.

- The only job I've ever had

was babysitting my little brother.

- Look, you guys are trying to make a good impression here,

so you're gonna have to straight-up lie.

If you don't, someone else will, so it's fine.

It's called holistic consequentialism:

the consequences are the same either way, so...

lying. Go!

- My dad is author Stephen King.

- I have a normal-strength neck.

If I hear something behind me,

I turn and look without effort.

- Well, I hope you're all inheriting money,

because you're completely unhirable.

I have no choice but to take a run at this myself,

.

- Now we don't have books?

We might lose a whole academic year.

- We have to do something. - But what?

He has all the power.

- We should all show up at his house,

ambush him, and refuse to leave

until he gives us our books back.

Who's in? - I'm in.

I wanna see a professor's house.

I bet it's like the library from "Beauty and the Beast."

- We should ask Dan Decker.

He's scary, but Mr. Griffin likes him.

[light music]

*

- Where is that son of a...

[dishes clattering]

- Jack, you are squeezing that pen so hard.

What are you working on?

- Revenge. - Oh ho ho ho.

- [gruffly] "Revenge"! - Somebody call Shonda!

[hoarsely] Revenge! - Little too dramatic.

- "Shonda"...

- There he is!

- Oh, God, not now, Helen, please.

I-I'm working on a writing project of great importance.

- Exactly. You're a big brainiac with these

big thoughts, and there's no room in your head for cookies.

That's why I made it even easier for ya.

- You know,

I'm not some absentminded nutty professor

who's baffled by baking. I simply don't wanna do it.

- "Nutty Professor" is the perfect name for your cookies!

[cackles] - That maniac doesn't care

about first impressions at all.

- Okay. What? Iron out your panties, Jack.

- Listen... - Yes, Batman?

- I do not bake cookies...

and I will never waver on that.

- Look at his nostrils. - Girl, they are flaring.

- Has anyone seen my mug? - Which one.

- My Michelle mug.

It's got my name on it, Michelle?

[rapid piano notes over phone]

- Thank you for calling Bartholemew's Bookstore.

We appreciate your call.

[classical piano melody continues]

*

Miles: What is time? Why are we here?

I'm Miles Leonard... - No.

Representative! - Philosopher

and MacArthur Genius. - Representative!

- "The Question IS the Answer."

- [groaning] - What is time?

Why are we here? - [laughing]

- I'm Miles Leonard, philosopher

and MacArthur Genius. - [screaming] Representative!

- "The Question IS the Answer."

What is time? Why are we here?

I'm Miles Leonard, Philosopher--

- Oh, shut up! - My book, "The Question

IS the answer."

[lightly edgy music]

- [screaming] Representative!

- Let's go around back.

- Hello? Bartholemew's. Kyle speaking.

- Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

- Hello?

- What do you mean, you don't get involved

in regional staff pics? What if Cliff

and his underlings picked "Mein Kampf"?

You've never heard--Well, it's Adolf Hitler's manifesto.

You might wanna look it up.

"Mein" is spelled like chow mein,

"Kampf" is spelled like camp. but with a K,

and stick an F at the end.

No, no, no, no, no, do-do-don't--

- What is time? Why are we here?

I'm Miles Leonard. - [grunts]

- We should leave. This feels like an intrusion.

- Are you kidding? We can use this.

- Ah! - New plan. If this guy's

gonna teach us, we need to help him.

- We can't take advantage of whatever...

this is.

[lightly edgy music]

- Where are you going?

Stick with the plan. He's vulnerable!

You guys are wimps! I should have brought girls.

.

[school bell rings]

- Okay, here he comes.

Everybody remember, be gentle.

This is a man on the edge.

- All right, everybody, pipe down.

This plan's on life-support.

Is this a Mormon school?

- No, silly!

We're doing more interview prep today, right, Sarika?

- Yeah. I'm psyched about it.

- [laughs] - We made official resumes.

- I watched "Working Girl" last night.

- Guys, this is a massive improvement in attitude.

Ha. - This is much more interesting

than biology.

Thank you. I-I hate knowledge.

- Don't imply that I hate knowledge,

but, uh, yeah, why don't we jump into some interview prep?

Right off the bat, I am seeing way too many bolo ties.

[school bell rings] [overlapping chatter]

- Durbin Outfitters!

- Durbin Outfitters! - Hel-lo!

- We heard you're giving out money...

- No! Who told you that? Is that what people are saying?

- My kids need a monitor for presentations.

- Mine need a microphone also for presentations.

- And my kids need this technology

where song lyrics pop up at the bottom of the screen

and there's like a waterfall and a woman riding a horse.

- A-a karaoke machine?

I can't buy you a karaoke machine!

I'm looking for cuts!

- Come on, Durbs. The staff karaoke machine

has been broken for the last three semesters.

I know there's a song in you.

- I do a pretty good...

"Thriller," along with the Vincent Price part.

[overlapping reactions] - Yes!

- I knew it! [all oohing]

[overlapping chatter] - Gotta do it--I love it!

- All right.

[chatter fading]

[clears throat]

Oh, crud, I just bought a karaoke machine.

[engine revs]

[school bell rings]

- Oh, geez. There's my sad little guy!

Oh...

Whooooh! - Oh, my God, what is this?

What are you doing? - Oh, I'm tapped into

your kids, Jack. They told me what happened--

how you microwaved that fast food taco with lettuce.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

The kids were at my house? - Yeah.

They saw you drinking and practicing punching,

and they were worried you were having

some kinda breakdown, so they wanted to do something for you.

- That's the reason they went along

with everything I said today--out of pity?

- No. Ram pride!

When one of our own has their horns

stuck in that fence, we're there

to pull 'em by the caboose, and that is why

you are off cookie duty.

Because you're just under too much strain.

- I'm under no strain at all--my life is great, okay?

And there is absolutely nothing difficult

about baking cookies.

- Sorry, pal, because it's a no.

They would be blood cookies,

paid for with your sanity.

- You're a ridiculous person. I'm gonna go.

- [softly] Okay.

I was pitied by a pack of dweebs?

[lightly edgy music]

*

Dan Decker. Are you part of that dork recon team

that's peeping in my windows?

- No.

No one really loops me in on anything.

- You, uh... [clears throat]

always come out here and eat lunch by yourself?

Thought you'd be like on a team

or part of a bully crew or something.

Come on, man. What's the deal?

- I moved here from Florida like a year ago,

and I'm kinda not that great at making friends.

Can't even talk to the A.P. Bio kids.

- Is that Heather from class and the body of Wonder Woman?

- No, no.

It--

- You just gotta give them something they want.

You probably just have to say the word "Dumbledore,"

and they'd all high-five each other and go nuts.

But that's not really the path I like for you anyway, man.

I see you more as like a lone wolf.

I mean, sure, people try to rope you into their bake sales,

but...take it from this guy.

The life of a lone wolf can be pretty sweet.

- Dude, I don't wanna be like you.

Your life's a mess.

- My life's a mess?

.

[contemplative notes]

*

[upbeat percussive music]

*

- Hey, where do you think you're going with that?

Hey--hey!

- * No good, do no good *

* And, well, it's true

* 'Cause they never do what you want 'em to *

* 'Cause people, they're no good *

* Oh, no, they're no good at meetings *

* When they come out to play

* And they're no good for bookings *

* 'Cause we can't make 'em stay, hey *

[vociferating]

*

- This is a croquembouche.

much like your cream puffs, but more impressive.

It is you who will have the mental breakdown, Helen.

This is a one-time exception. Write down everything I say

right now. First, never dress like this again.

Second, I took down the Miles cutout myself.

I've been banned from the bookstore for life,

but...that's okay.

The only true sanctuary I'll have in this town

is between these two ears right here.

Third, and finally, never pity me.

Did any of you go to Harvard?

Have any of you slept with 24 women?

What you saw when you trespassed on my property

was a man who eats what he wants,

drinks what he wants,

wears...what he wants.

It is a lifestyle most high school kids would kill for.

It's sad to me that you can't see that.

The only embarrassing part of my day

is the 55 minutes I have to spend here.

[light quirky music]

*

One more thing, though.

Does anyone have anything to say about

Dumbledore?

- Well, actually... - Dumbledore was clearly...

[overlapping comments]

- Pipe down! Stop!

Stop. Pipe down, pipe down.

One at a time. Let's start with...Dan.

You have the floor.

[click]

[lightly edgy music]

- If you're so embarrassed to teach this class,

Miles is probably the last person

you want getting that picture.

He won't, if you give the bio textbooks back.

Like you said: Give them what they want.

*

- Ha.

One chapter. Of my choosing.

From the middle of the book.

- All right, Dan! - Way to go, Dan!

- Yeah, Dan! - All right, Dan.

- [crunch]

- You're rooted. You're rooted, okay?

No compromise. [clears throat]

Hey, Jack, I am done compromising.

Now, we have blown way past the sign on this one.

Your class's lab equipment is due to be upgraded,

but you're just gonna have to do without.

- Sounds good. - Sounds g--Really?

You can do that, and you're not gonna shortchange the students?

- Won't affect the lesson plan at all.

*

- [laughs]

[muttering]

[ahem] Never compromise.