Original subtitles

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[ticking]

- Mm, he's, uh--

he's on his way, I just texted him, so--

- Did he text you back? - Nope.

Nope.

- All right, everybody. Start to shut up.

Ralph, what brings you here?

- You're late. I'm--I'm covering for you.

It's school policy. You can't leave

these students unattended.

- Is that a real rule? That's nuts.

- He literally leaves us alone all the time.

- Uh, narc much? [chuckles]

- Just--just try to be on time.

- All right, yeah. Totally.

Come on, dude.

Is it--ah! Just gonna get some, uh-- [sighs]

both: Hey!

- Jack, where are you goin'?

- Uh, I need SunChips. - We just discussed this.

You--you can't just leave because you want chips.

- Ah, come on.

*

So I had an interesting morning.

As I was pulling out of my dead mom's driveway,

I turned on my number one NPR voice crush, Terry Gross,

only to find that she was interviewing my rival, Miles.

I was so distracted by this injustice

that I accidentally backed over a possum.

Specifically, his lower half.

He was flat from about here down.

And he was shouting, uh, a lot.

And this presented me with an interesting

philosophical dilemma.

Was it kinder to let this animal slowly die

or to bash it to death with a big wrench?

And once I'd done so, I turned and saw

that one of the possum's relatives

was staring right at me.

He witnessed the entire thing.

This presented me with another beautiful

philosophical dilemma.

Was it kinder to let this new possum be driven mad

by what he'd seen, or do I bash him to death

with a giant wrench as well?

Needless to say, my morning became

a veritable killing field situation.

And now I'm going to have to power wash

my dead mom's driveway.

Yeah. - Awesome.

- Sounds like you were lashing out

'cause you were angry that Miles has a best-seller.

- Marcus, you of all people should be able to discern

when I'm lashing out.

- Maybe you should write your own best-seller.

- I've considered that.

It's just difficult to get any work done in this town,

with its possums and their screams.

There was so much...screaming.

[ticking]

I need SunChips.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time well, I'll be smart *

*

- Book ideas? You writing a book, Jack?

- Oh, just getting down some thoughts.

- Oh, you know what kind of books I like?

Sex mysteries. - Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl"

and "Girl on the Train." - Mm-hmm.

- Anything where there's a girl and she's missing

or ideally, dead.

- Yes, yes. Ooh, okay, so you know what

your book could be about?

Three women who are best friends,

but then the Asian one gets taken.

- [whispering] For sex.

- Jack, come on! - Oops.

all: Ooh! - Busted. [laughs]

- Dirty man!

- This policy is there for your protection.

You're responsible if something happens to one of your students

while you're out toodling around.

- Ralph, Ralph, these kids are teenagers.

You think they can't be left alone for two seconds?

[clattering] - Go!

- Are you okay? What happened?

- How did this happen?

- He fell. We were playing Jelly Bean Quidditch.

- Yeah, it's where you stand on your desk

and throw jelly beans in each other's mouths.

- How is that Quidditch? Where's the golden snitch?

- So nerdy. - Ah--it--nerdy.

- Victor? Victor?

You okay, buddy? You wanna hop up there?

- You know, this all happened

because Mr. Griffin left us unattended.

He can't do that. School policy.

- Yes, Sarika, thank you for taking

what I said earlier and shouting it at me.

Okay, let's take this to my office.

- Concussion test.

Pupils not dilated.

Eyelashes are gorgeous.

That is not fair. Gimme, gimme.

Impulse control. On the count of three,

look right into here and do not blink, okay?

Wah!

- Okay, this is bad. All right, Victor

could be hurt, the school could get sued.

It's--it's like you only care

about yourself, Jack. - Technically, deep down,

we all only care about ourselves.

Psychological egoism. - Well, you know what?

I happen to care about this school.

But--but yeah, you don't respect that.

And--and frankly, I don't--

I don't think you respect me.

- Oh, come on, Ralph. You know we coo.

- No, I don't know that. Are we coo?

- I'm gonna take Victor back to class.

He's still a bit slow, but I think that was already there.

- Ah, yeah.

- Wait, who's with the kids right now?

- Oh, God, we left them alone again!

- That's hilarious. - Jack, plea--

Helen, go cover for me. - I also called

the teacher's union and the rep is here to see Jack.

- Which one--wa--not Kim.

Not Kim.

Oh, God, please not Kim.

Not Kim, please, not Kim.

Hey! Kim! What's up?

- Jack, don't say another word.

Ralph, get out. - The room is yours.

- Tums? - No, I'm good.

- I'm freakin' addicted.

My name is Kim Burke and as your union rep,

I am always on the side of the teacher.

I don't care if you did kill that kid.

[chuckles] I don't wanna know.

As I see it, you have two options.

Or, as I like to call them...

doors.

Huh?

Door number one:

admit you're at fault, take a one week,

unpaid suspension.

However, this could go on your permanent record.

So-- - Eh.

- Then there's door-- or option--two.

We fight it!

You should know, this could take a while.

Because there will be an investigation.

Right, and while all that's going on,

you won't be allowed back in that classroom.

- Say more about that.

- You'd be in something called teacher jail,

which is basically a trailer where you sit around all day.

But that could take a couple months.

- That's a long time to not get paid.

- Oh, who said that? You would get paid.

Full salary.

- You know what?

It feels wrong sweeping this under the rug.

I'd be willing to stay in that damn jail

for as long as it takes to make this right.

- [whispering] Say the words, Jack,

and I will unleash the dogs.

- Kim...

unleash the dogs. - [howling]

.

- This is teacher jail.

- Yeah, I bet I can guess what some of these guys did.

[chuckles] - Right now, I'm taking you

off my team and handing you over to the coach.

He's gonna take it from here.

- All right.

- Here's the rules, Kemosabe:

Number one, every day you're here,

you've gotta sign in.

- Sorry, I was waiting for number two.

Okay. All right.

*

[percussive music]

- How we feeling?

Been through so much.

That's why Principal Durbin has entrusted me

with the sacred duty to-- as he would say--

just take care of it, Helen.

So I went on my computer and I searched

for every available sub in the district.

And I think I found someone that you're really gonna love.

Come on in, don't be shy. Come on.

Tada! It's me.

You think I'd leave you guys with a stranger?

I'm gonna teach you what I know.

Starting with the gorgeous velveteen labyrinth

that is the female reproductive system.

This is my cervix.

Who can tell me the five things that are wrong with it?

- Okay, ladies.

I'm trying to get a sense of the culture around here.

Nobody? - Mm-mm.

- All right, then.

Is everybody following the supervision policy?

- I do. Other people may leave their class sometimes.

Not me. Not even if I have to use the bathroom.

I just control it. - She's so dedicated.

- Oh, she's amazing. - She's a queen.

- She has pooped her pants a couple of times.

- Wait, what? - I have.

But I just borrow some red track pants

from lost and found.

I wash them and put them back.

- Nobody wants those now. - Let the lost be lost.

- Hey! Hey, Durbin!

Come back here! Durbin!

Where you going?

- Hey, what do you got there?

- This?

This is my dog chow.

- Your--your what?

- The dogs are loose.

- What--what dogs?

- Jack wants to fight his case.

So you can just wipe that smug look right off your face.

- Why do you hate me so much?

- Because you're weak.

And I don't trust you with my teachers.

You don't deserve to be their principal.

Just like you didn't deserve

to be captain of the Glee Club.

- Okay, Kim, that was 25 years ago.

- I don't care! - You gotta let it go!

- No! Mr. K felt sorry for you.

Everybody knows it should've been...

* me

Yeah. I see you for what you really are, Durbin.

You're no leader of men.

You're nothing but a cutie patootie.

- You know what? I may be a cutie patootie,

but I'm still the boss around here.

And you were flatting. Good day.

- [gasps]

- [grunts] - Uh!

- Oh, my God.

- Mm-mm.

- Wh--whatcha workin' on?

- Uh, I'm trying to come up with ideas for a new book.

Philosophy--but I'm not quite sure where to begin.

- Plato says, "All philosophy begins in wonder."

- You know Plato. - I dabble.

- Jack. - Oh, Philip.

Homemade shortbread?

- Yes. [both laugh]

- Wow. Mmm.

What are you here for?

- You ready for this? - Hm?

- I tickled some of the other teachers.

[both laugh]

- Why? - What can I say?

I'm a tickler. I love to make people laugh,

but I don't know any jokes.

- Hm. - It only takes one person,

though, to call you a teacher tickler.

And true or not, you're ruined.

- Mm. - You are ruined.

- But it was true? - Very much.

- Mm. - Yeah.

So, what have you got so far on this book?

- Ohh-- I don't know.

Something about the distortion of the ego

that comes from late capitalism's denial of death.

- Mind if I type this down?

I mean, it may help to have someone else

tickle the keyboard. - [laughs]

Yeah, I'd like that.

- Great. Let's dispel some common myths.

Pull-out method. Don't work.

Menopause, not real.

Vaginal orgasm, gimme a break.

- I thought we were gonna get a real teacher.

- You think I wanted this?

- I'm gonna need a volunteer. Let me see.

Somebody maybe in the very, very back.

How about, uh, Anthony.

Come on down.

Come on down, Anthony. Oh, yes.

Come on. Now, Anthony,

I'm gonna say a part of the female body

and I want you to define it and then I want you

to point it out on me.

This is gonna be fun.

- Sarika, you have to fix this!

- This is way worse than Mr. Griffin.

- Okay!

Ms. Demarcus, can Victor, Grace, Colin and I

go to the bathroom?

- Yeah, the pass is on the desk.

Anthony, perineum.

Keep goin'. Keep goin'.

Keep goin'.

Mine's lower than usual. Keep goin'.

- But this desire for a so-called answer

reflects a society obsessed with the, um--

uhh-- - Uh, ephemeral?

Ephemeral. - Ephemeral, yes.

Yes, Philip, yes.

[sighs] I'll tell you, now that I have a clear thesis,

this book practically will write itself.

I mean, I think we can have a draft in a month.

- I do. - Ah, yeah. [clears throat]

Can we talk?

- Uhh, yeah. One sec.

- Look, this thing is getting blown way out of proportion.

Jack, you know you're in the wrong.

Okay, how about a one day suspension?

- Uh, I don't know.

I mean, I think this-- this policy

really needs to be examined.

I mean, these--these kids are old enough to get pregnant.

They can't be alone for two seconds?

- That's literally the reason

they shouldn't be left alone.

Look, it's one day, okay?

How about a-- a slap on the wrist,

we'll put the whole thing behind us.

- Jack, my fingers are getting cold.

- Uhh, you know what? I gotta go.

I'm so sorry, Ralph. I don't like this

any more than you do. - Get-- [sighs]

.

- All right, Helen said we could find

every sub in the district on here.

If we find one we like, maybe we can

go around her completely.

- Colin, all clear? - If I see anyone coming,

I'll play "Baker Street." - What's "Baker Street"?

- Uh, I think you know.

- Here we go.

Let's find the biology teacher of our dreams.

Oh, here we go. - I feel like he's too jacked.

[playing "Baker Street" on saxophone]

- What the--

What the heck are you guys doing on my Dell?

- We're looking for a new substitute.

The truth is...

Principal Durbin needs you even more than we do.

- Yeah. He's been through so much.

- Go to him, Helen.

- You're good kids.

I'll get your substitute for you.

Ralph! I got you! I got you!

- We convince the board your case has merit,

this thing could drag on for months.

- Mm. - You sure you're all right

with being in teacher jail?

- It's been a weirdly productive situation.

- Mr. Griffin, do you have any questions

before we begin? - Um, yes,

are there more white grapes coming or is this all there is?

- Zack?

That's all the grapes.

Principal Durbin, your statement.

- Yeah, well, uh, it's--it's pretty simple.

- Boo. - I don't think that

there's any bad guys here.

We have a supervision policy. - Sit down!

- He ignored it. - Allegedly.

- And Victor got hurt!

- Kim, your statement.

- I want to tell you about the most dedicated,

caring, hard-working teacher I know.

Jack Griffin.

I--I mean, clearly, he is suffering

and this is hard on him.

Right?

- I miss my little sweeties.

- Why are we persecuting this man

when clearly, the problem at this school

is this man?!

Principal Ralph Durbin.

Dirty Durbin.

Why aren't the teachers following the school policy?

Well, maybe it's because the principal

is asleep on the job.

- Okay, I'm clearly blinking.

- Is he focused on work?

Well, not according to his Google searches.

- Okay, that's private. - I'll allow it.

"Kokomo is it real"

Do we really want a principal

who's daydreaming about

some fake paradise in the Florida Keys?

- Well, why are the other ones real?

Aruba, Jamaica-- - Principal Durbin

mowing the school lawn

wearing what is known as a wife-beater.

- It was a Saturday.

- Oh! It's okay, everybody, to beat your wife

on a Saturday.

Do we really think

that Principal Durbin told Jack

about the supervision policy

when he can't even remember to fix the sign

in front of the school?

Since I've been here this week,

I've noticed nothing but a trail of destruction

on your watch.

Kids falling off of desks,

teachers defecating in their pants,

and a Harvard professor being micromanaged

by an incompetent, little wiener.

But we have a chance

to be on the right side of history.

Ladies and gentlemen,

fire the wiener.

.

[bell ringing]

- Oh--uh, can we just--

can we have a moment?

Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can I talk to you over here?

- I'm killing it, right? - Just--

can you just ease up on Durbin a little bit?

I mean, I think we can both agree as educators

he's not the problem, it's the policy.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut the crap, Jack.

Okay, we both know you love teacher jail--

being able to get paid to write your little book

and play grab-ass with the freaks.

You punk out on me now, and all that goes away.

- I'm not punking out, I'm just saying lay off Durbin.

He's a good guy. - It's too late, Jack.

You let the dogs out.

All right, everybody.

On my next slide, you're gonna see

Principal Durbin in full Native American headdress.

- It--it was the '90s. It wasn't bad yet.

- Okay, excuse me. Can I say something here?

- Uh-uh, sit down! - Just--

I have something to say, okay?

[sighs] Kim...

Uh...tickled me.

- What?!

- I'm sorry. - She's a teacher tickler.

Yeah, she would wait until we were all alone

and then she would just go bananas all over me,

tickling me up and down.

Yep.

So take her away.

- What are you talking about? Jack, tickling is not

a punishable offense.

I'd call it lightly frowned upon,

or awkward-- if people are watching.

- What--so no one cares that she tickled me?

- Well then why is Philip, the frickin' best guy I know

in teacher jail right now?

- That guy did more than just tickle.

- Oh. What else did he do.

- Uh, well, he-- [sighs]

Dated. - Yes.

- He dated the CPR dummy.

- Uhh, okay, you know what? Look, I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna come clean here.

I was out of the room when the nerd fell,

and Ralph warned me about it.

It's totally my fault. So can we just be done here?

- All right, Mr. Griffin is docked three days pay.

- Yeah, and must remain in teacher jail--

- And will return to his classroom immediately.

- Ahh.

- This is not over, Durbin.

[bell ringing] [door opens]

- My name is Mr. Vining.

I am your new teacher, and I...

love biology. [hopeful music]

Pretty soon, you're gonna love it as well.

But not just love it,

you're going to understand it.

So let's not waste another moment.

Our story begins

3.8 billion years ago.

In a humble puddle of amino acid.

[whispering] You may wanna write that down.

- [sighs] All right, chief.

I appreciate it, but I got it from here.

- Oh. Okay.

Well, uh, fair enough. - Yep.

All right.

- Wait.

- Well, I'm back.

Did you guys miss me?

Yeah? Little bit?

By the way, I know what y'all did.

And, uh, no hard feelings.

- What do you mean?

- That little accident with Victor,

I know you staged it.

It was just--

it was a little bit too convenient.

You know, the way Victor

fell just after Durbin mentioned

the supervision policy.

But I know Victor--

sweet, simple Victor couldn't come up

with a plan like that on his own.

He probably had a little bit of help.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sure you don't.

Well, I gotta say, Serika, you know, I'm impressed.

Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget

that even though you're all dumber than me,

there's still some value to your little brains.

Kinda cool.

Well, it's good to be back.

Oh. Who's this little guy?

[door opens]

So...guess you heard I got out.

- Guess you heard I'm not just a tickler.

- Philip, stop.

You don't need to explain a damn thing to me.

- You're not mad?

- Well, I'm--I'm mad you didn't tell me the truth.

There's no secrets between us.

And what is a friend, but a single soul

dwelling in two bodies.

- Aristotle. My favorite philosopher.

Well, second favorite now.

- Come here, you dumb perv.

[sighs]

Ahh! [both laugh]

Oh, come on!

Oh, you are so bad.

[bell ringing] [toilet flushes]

[playing "Baker Street" on saxophone]

*