Original subtitles

.

- All right, quickly finish shutting up, everybody.

I have an awesome new Miles mission.

We're gonna make him a deadbeat dad.

- Hold up, wouldn't he have to be a dad first?

- [chuckles] Dan, you're great at this class.

- I am?

- So I was looking for dirt on Miles,

and I found an old photograph of us together

with this girl, Theresa, that he had a fling with.

Now, if he had gotten her pregnant without realizing it,

then their child would now be,

oh, about your age.

What're you do-- Anthony?

Pass the photo around.

Well, look at it first.

Never mind-- anyway--

One of you is gonna bring this photo to Miles

and say that that's your mom,

and that you're his kid that he abandoned.

Voila. Deadbeat dad.

And the best part is, you're gonna tell him this

right before he walks on stage in Detroit for a TED Talk.

It's gonna totally mess with his head.

It's gonna ruin his presentation.

The only question that remains is,

Which one of you can most convincingly

play the role of Miles' kid?

Let me see what you guys got.

- I've missed you ever since I was a--

- Too slow. Too slow.

Okay, Heather. You're face to face with Miles.

What're you gonna do?

- Well, hey there, big daddy.

- Nope. Mm-mm, wrong tone.

- Am I the only one who feels like making Miles think

he has a kid might be going a little too far?

- Miles is lame.

He deserves everything that's coming to him.

He's peddling these fake philosophies

to the ignorant masses and he knows better.

- Yes. Devin gets it.

This is exactly what I've been talking about.

Okay, Devin. So...

Tell me how you break the news to him.

- Miles, you're my dad, and you suck.

- There's our guy, right there. The Prince of Darkness is back.

I love it. I'm gonna need to confiscate

that knife from you, though, bud.

Uh, I think I've let things get a little bit

too loose around here.

Go ahead and finish crossing the A

on your anarchy thing, though.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[school bell rings]

- Hey, Ralphie.

- Hello, ladies.

- We need you to sign off on the Sadie Hawkins Dance theme.

We're doing '80s again, okay?

Leg-warmers and side ponies, y'all.

- Well, I don't know if you guys have noticed,

but since Brenda and I separated,

I have been doing my own thang.

[excited chatter] - Oh!

- That's why we came to you, Durb Daddy.

- Thank you, but--but I was thinking that a good theme

for the dance would be...

The movie "Congo."

Based on the Michael Crichton novel.

It's got everything teens love.

It's got gorillas, it's got lasers,

it's got a character named Herkermer Homolka.

Oh. I've seen that look.

Got that look from Brenda for ten years.

She--

She hated all my ideas too.

- Um, it's just...

Mary?

- Um, it's just, uh,

obscure movies that no one's seen

don't make great dance themes. - Mm-mm.

- I'm sorry-- You guys have never seen this?

Okay, guys, you gotta watch this, all right?

And--and if you still don't think it's a good idea

for a dance, then we won't do it.

- Okay, that's--that's fair. - Okay.

[tense music]

[chatter] - [exhales deeply]

♪

- Okay, all right, all right, listen.

Get in there and rattle him.

Rattle him good.

♪

- Mr. Leonard?

- Uh, if you want a selfie, we're gonna have to be quick,

'cause I've got an awful lot of people out there who--

- 17 years ago you had sex with my mom, which makes you my dad.

- Huh? Her? Oh.

Theresa Cantrell is your mum?

Theresa the teaser, we used to--

- I have a lot of complicated feelings,

and I'm sure you do as well.

I gotta say, I feel, uh, pretty neglected.

A little angry.

Sorry about the timing.

I hope it doesn't mess up your speech.

- A son.

[laughs] Oh, my goodness.

My life just keeps getting better and better.

All right, let's have a look at you then.

Oh, you're a big lad. [gasps]

Look at those eyes. [laughs]

Beautiful--They're mine. [gasps]

And you've got the forehead. You've--we've--got--

You've got the same highly expressive forehead.

Oh, my goodness me. - You're on.

- Yeah, got it, right. I've gotta go and do the--

And you wait here, and I'll be back.

[crowd chanting] - Uh--

[upbeat rock music]

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Detroit! I have a son!

Yeah! [cheers and applause]

- [sighs] Well,

Miles was unfazed.

- It's like the meaner you are to him, the nicer he is.

- What kind of a dork is thrilled to find out

that he's been saddled with an unwanted child?

[phone chiming]

Ah, and that's him calling me right now.

Yeah? - Jack.

Hello, old mate.

Do you remember Theresa the teaser?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, long story short,

she had a baby, and now I have a son.

And you'll never guess, he lives in Toledo,

your hometown,

which is where I am right this minute.

- Wait, you're in Toledo? Right now?

.

- So we watched the movie "Congo."

And it was good.

It was very good. - Very good.

- What was your favorite part? Don't think, just answer.

- Easy, when the gorilla drinks a martini and burps.

[laughs] - Me too!

- And while that is all very--funny?

Um, I'm actually starting to think, just a little bit,

how would you turn that into a dance theme?

As much as I would love to.

- Yeah, Durbin, it's like, What were you even picturing?

- How were you even gonna decorate, Ralph?

Take the jungle foliage sets

from last year's production of "South Pacific"?

- Oh, my-- Guys, I'm--I'm seeing this.

This could work. - Me too.

I can't believe it.

I think we're all actually coming around to "Congo."

[laughs] both: No!

- Uh, stop it, Michelle.

Sorry to hurt your feelings, Durbin,

but "Congo" as the dance theme

is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

It's worse than Fish Week.

- Brenda hated Fish Week.

She said it was "unsanitary nonsense."

But, I guess, all my ideas are bad,

aren't they?

You know, you guys, just do the '80s dance and--

just do whatever you want.

[melancholy music]

[taps keys forcefully, vocalizes downtrodden tune]

- Guys, this is bad. He can't know that I live here.

And he can't know that I teach high school.

- You can always point out the fact

that you don't teach anything.

- What kind of a twisted sicko just shows up

to see his abandoned son?

So pathetic.

- Drives all the way here uninvited.

It's like he's so desperate for love.

- Yeah, yeah.

You're right.

He's desperate. We can use that.

Okay, so, you need to embrace your relationship to Miles.

Make him really love you, and then--

[clicks tongue] Reject him. Hard.

- And then we can see if old Miles can float.

- Uh, too far, Prince of D.

Why don't we just stick to the emotional crushing?

- I don't know, I feel like the moral compass

is thumbs down on this one.

- Yeah, and I feel like I'm pretty thumbs down on you,

Marcus. - Great.

- Okay, guys, I need some ideas for Miles bonding time.

What do you guys like to do with your parents around here?

- You know, the Toledo Walleye hockey games are fun.

My family has season tickets.

And I'm taking my little brother, Jeffy,

tomorrow night.

- My man. Dan, that's perfect.

Okay, so, Devin.

Tomorrow you'll go sightseeing with Miles after school.

And then, end the evening at a Walleye hockey game.

Ah, you know how to really set him up for rejection?

Call him "Dad."

Then it's time for the pièce de résistance.

Tell him you want nothing to do with him.

[rock music]

♪

- Here's to our first Toledo hotdog.

Cheers!

♪

I'm gonna need more of these.

The archduke of Slovenia said, "Miles, if you'll not take

my daughter, please have these antique dueling pistols."

[both screaming] [laughs]

♪

Those poachers weren't coming back--

Ow.

[laughing]

- ♪ Me and my man

♪ Me and my main man

♪ Me and my man

- Oh, thank you.

[laughter] Look at us!

[laughs] Wow.

That was so good, wasn't it? - Yeah.

- Right, next, onto the game.

♪

Come on.

crowd: Let's go, Walleyes. Let's go, Walleyes.

[cheering]

- This is perfect.

Matching father-son hats.

- Did you know Miles has a set of antique dueling pistols?

- Don't get sucked into Miles' world, okay?

Stay focused.

Go give him the hats, play the dad card,

break his heart. Go.

[loud thud] - Ooh.

[buzzer blares]

- Oh, mate, amazing.

A couple of matching fish bubble hats.

Thank you.

Yep. [chuckles]

Oh, one question.

What do I do with these bad boys?

Hey. [chuckles]

Oh, what a couple of willies in a biscuit, then, eh?

[laughs]

- Look, Danny, it's me!

- [laughs] Look at that kid, he's amazing.

- Dan, tell Jeffy to stop dancing.

- Hey, you tell Jeffy to stop dancing.

Because half these people come to the games

just to see Jeffy dance.

[cheering]

crowd: Let's go, Walleyes!

[cheering]

crowd: Let's go, Walleyes!

- It was truly breathtaking,

but I had no one to share it with.

- You climbed Everest?

I've always wanted to do that.

I heard it's covered in frozen corpses.

- Well, you can.

Devin, you're-- you're a great lad,

and you deserve to see all the beautiful views

and corpses your-- your little heart desires.

[text message chimes]

Oh, nearly. Nearly.

It kills me to have to do this,

but I've got an early flight to catch back to Stanford.

Thank you for today. I've had...

an amazing time, and...

I'm never gonna forget today.

- Thanks... Dad.

[tender music]

- Huh.

[stammers] Come here, son.

♪

Cheers.

Uh, sorry, guys, can I get out? Thank you, thank you.

Buh-bye. Cheerio.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, hey!

Why didn't you tell him you hate him?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.

I hesitated and ran out of time.

Can we just get Miles some other way?

- No, there is no other way. This is the way.

All right, come on, let's go.

- Not yet. I don't wanna wake Jeffy.

- I literally have to do everything.

All right, fine, give me Jeffy.

Come on. All right, Jeffy, let's go.

Come on, Jeffy. [groans]

Okay.

[whispering] All right.

I'll figure out how to keep Miles in Toledo another day.

You figure out how to grow some balls, all right?

Finish him!

- [Jeffy groaning] - Ah, okay, shh.

It's all right. Come here, Jeffy.

[cheering]

.

[classical music ringtone]

- Hello, Jack-o! - Miles-o.

Uh, how'd it go with your son?

It must've felt nice to say sorry for having missed

every significant event in his entire life,

you know, baseball games, recitals--

Aw, his wobbly first step.

- Well, I--I didn't exactly get a chance to

tell him all those things.

- Ah, that's a shame.

I would've killed to hear my absentee father

say sorry to me for missing all that stuff

in my life, you know, in person.

My two cents?

I think it's worth, uh, sticking around one more day

to tell him all that.

- You know Jack, that is smarter than a seaman's cleats.

- That can't be an actual British expression.

- All right, cheerio, me old China.

- Uh-oh. - D-D-Durbie Fully Loaded.

- Let me guess, you guys are here to tell me

that eating salty soup out of a cup

is another one of my bad ideas?

- No, Durbs, we're actually here to tell you

that we are totally on board for "Congo."

- Like you said before, it's a bad idea.

- We were talking about it and realized we're the only ones

who care about the dance theme.

- Yeah.

- The kids don't pay attention to the decorations.

They just see them as something to hide behind

so they can grab up on a butt.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, it makes no difference

whether they're honking on each other's little [bleep]

behind a jungle in the Congo, or a big '80s Rubik's Cube.

- I mean, it's true.

The--these dances are a full-on dog park.

- In every way.

I found two poops last year.

[whispers] Human.

- Ralph, we just wanna support you.

I mean, that means so much more to us than some theme.

- You guys are the best.

Listen.

Keep this under your hats, okay?

We don't want some other school stealing our theme.

- We are literally, um, never telling anyone about this.

Ever. Okay?

[school bell rings]

[clock ticking]

- Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Is this--is this Biology class?

Ah, hah, there he is.

- Miles, what're you doing here?

- Well, I--I realized that I never apologized to you,

for missing out on-- well, I've missed--

Missing out on everything

until yesterday.

And I wanted to swear to you that I'm gonna make that right.

Money's no object. You know, whatever it costs.

I'll fly backwards and forwards.

Whatever it takes to-- to be your dad.

- I can't do this.

You're not my dad. - No, I--

completely understand that.

And I will work to earn that title.

- No, I mean it, I'm not your son.

- But we--we've got the same--

Expressive forehead.

- Well, actually, the forehead's not really

an identifying characteristic.

- Okay, shh, bud. Who are you?

- I didn't mean any of it.

I'm sorry. - Why?

Wha--I don't--

Oh, I was excited about us. I--I felt...

I was gonna have a fuller life 'cause of you.

And then...

[retches]

You're a monster.

- [wheezing laugh]

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Whoo! Holy crap, uh!

Now, if I'm not mistaken,

that is a garbage can filled with Miles' puke.

Yeah?

And from what I was seeing, it's 'cause he's a broken man.

Am I right? Okay.

Well, then this calls for a celebration.

Uh-uh! Whoo!

We did it, baby. Oh, it was glorious, mmm.

[laughs]

What's--what is this?

.

- What?

I'm sorry, what is going on here?

What-- What's the deal?

Guys, we--we succeeded. Let's celebrate!

- He's a good guy and we broke him.

For what?

- For America! [laughs]

I don't know.

What, are you trying to guilt me with your silence?

That's not gonna work.

Look, it's not like I don't know

what you guys are thinking anyway, you know.

Anthony's over there like,

[mocking voice] I'm judgy Anthony.

You know? Victor's sitting there like,

[mocking voice] I think this may have

gotten out of hand, Mr. Griffin.

- I think it has.

- And Marcus is like,

[mocking voice] At the risk of being

a permanent virgin, don't you think you should

come clean and tell Miles it wasn't Devin's fault?

And Sarika's like,

[mocking voice] I think I speak on behalf

of all the nerds in the whole wide world

when I say you're a bad guy, Mr. Griffin.

- Sarika's right, as usual.

- Come on, you guys. All of you are gonna be fine.

Okay? Look at me, I'm fine. You know?

I feel f-- I feel great, actually.

I--I think, um...

I think we did a--

I think we did the world a-- a service today.

Hmm?

So you guys can sit there and stare at me all you want.

That's not gonna-- Not gonna make me feel guilty,

if that's what you're going for, that's what I'm saying.

I--I feel good.

[clock ticking]

I'm gonna go piss.

[playful music]

♪

[sighs] Hey, Miles, hey.

- Whoa-ho, hey. Uh, Jack.

Is that you?

- Yes, it's me. Here in Toledo.

- I don't understand. What are you doing here?

'Cause I, I was here with my son--he's not my--

He's just some-- - I know.

- Guy that pretended-- - I'm gonna explain all that.

Look, um...

I never got picked up by another university

after the whole Harvard thing, okay?

I've been living here, in my dead mom's apartment

and I've been teaching at this high school, okay?

I didn't tell you-- - Because--oh,

because you're ashamed.

- Yeah, something like that.

Um, look, Devin is one of my students,

and he's a good kid, okay? He didn't--

He didn't set out to hurt you.

I mentioned you a few times in my class, and I--

- [gasps] Oh, oh, I get it.

You talked about my cushy job at Stanford,

my many awards, my numerous celebrity lovers,

and Devin became obsessed with me.

- Yeah, well, he's not really obsessed--

- Devin wanted me to be his dad.

Kind of sweet when you think about it.

- Yeah, I wouldn't say he's obsessed--

- Jack, you, you, Jack. You have nothing.

But you live here, in the real world,

with all--with real people.

And maybe I need a bit more of that in my life.

Maybe that's why I believe his cock-and-balls story

too quickly. Oh, God.

The trials and tribulations

of fame and fortune, eh? - Oh, you--

- Hey, uh, hello-- I've gotta go, mate.

My ride's here. I can't--

I can't leave Oprah's private jet waiting.

Again. [chuckles]

She was bloody livid last--

Come on, come here.

Beautiful sod.

Jack, you know,

maybe the question

really is the answer.

- I'm sorry, how so? - Cheerio.

[groans] Hello, mate.

Airport, please.

♪

[school bell rings]

♪

- So you're, uh,

back in the good graces of that phony loser.

Happy now?

- Don't care.

- Me neither.

- Peace.

♪

[phone chiming and buzzing]

- Miles. - Jacky boy, it's me.

Fancy this.

You have inspired me yet again.

- That's great, Miles. Have fun now.

- W-well, hang on, hang on. Hang on.

I'm leaving Stanford.

And I'd like you to take over for me.

I mean, with my recommendation you would be a shoo-in.

So, what do you reckon, mate?

Fancy being the head of Philosophy at Stanford?

♪