Original subtitles

.

- Whew.

Okay, I'm ready. Do it.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- I can't. I can't.

- [sighs]

Damn it, Sarika.

Why will no one staple my hand?

- Maybe if you told us why.

- All right, listen, you dum-dums.

The plan is to injure myself badly enough

so I can be admitted to the hospital,

where my high school ex, Meredith, works.

Things were definitely flirty the last time I saw her,

and if I can get her to show her caretaking side, well,

that is gonna be my ticket to bang city.

- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

- I'm sorry. Do you guys not look at these?

He's crossed through. He's nothing.

I'm the one that's perfect for her.

Don't make me feel like I'm wasting my time up here.

Now, who's gonna staple my hand?

Yo, V-dawg, what's going on over there?

- It's my house's security app.

My parents are out of town, so I'm turning the lights

on and off to keep robbers away.

- Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme. Let me see. Let me see.

Wow. Whoa. Your parents are loaded.

Explain your sweaters immediately.

- I just like them.

- Mm-hmm, all right, and this is in Toledo?

- Yeah, Ottawa Hills.

It's really nice.

I know, because my father's whore lives there.

She's a rich whore.

- Okay, well, we're gonna have to unpack that at some point.

But, V-dawg, parents out of town.

When's the party?

- My parents said no parties.

Plus, I don't really party.

None of us do.

- Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Does this apply to everybody?

That's crazy.

A bunch of high school kids who don't party?

No, no, no, no, no. Which one of you is gonna be

the badass to pressure Victor into have a party this weekend?

Parties are how memories are made.

Nobody has memories about making good grades.

They have memories about getting in fights

and waking up in tunnels and crazy stuff like that.

This is sad, man.

Wow, I really thought today was gonna be different,

but I guess not, huh?

Just same old same old.

All right, well...

[together] Augh.

- Ahh! Ohh!

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- You can't just use my name to get in here.

There are actual sick patients who should take priority.

- Well, yeah, no, I know,

but you're the only one I trust here.

Can I get a boo-boo kiss? Come on.

- Not looking, not looking.

Just kidding. I am looking.

It's okay. I'm a doctor.

Hi. - Hey.

- Hey, just delivering a large earl grey to my main bae.

- Ahh.

- This is my boyfriend Chase.

Chase, this is Jack Griffin.

- Oh.

- Hi. - Yeah.

The guy who peed on the hospital.

- Yeah, well, when you've got to go, you've got to go.

You know what I mean. Yeah.

So, Mere, when did you switch to tea?

You were always a coffee drinker

back when we were dating.

Yeah, oh, remember we used to always get lattes before class,

and then we'd say, "See you latte"?

That was so dumb. Why did we do that?

We had a great rapport.

- "See you latte." That is dumb.

[cell phone chimes] - Oh, excuse me, guys.

- That's okay. See you latte.

- Oh, so a staple, huh?

- Yeah. - How'd you manage that?

Worksheet accident?

Mere tells me you teach high school.

- Yeah.

Wow, she must talk about me a lot.

I get it, though. I get it.

Yeah, did she almost mention that I have a PhD in philosophy

from Harvard, which no offense, makes me a real doctor?

I mean, let's be honest.

Anybody can do that knee bone's connected

to the neck bone crap.

- [laughs] - It's so--

- Jack, let me tell you, if you're knee bone's ever

connected to your neck bone, I'd like you

to come see me right away.

- Oh, that's a good point, Chase.

That's a good point; hey, does it ever feel weird to you

that your name is a verb that describes what rapist's do?

- What? - That was the yacht club.

They just called and canceled on us.

We're doing a fund-raiser for the free clinic.

This is a nightmare.

- Everything's booked, the caterers, the valet.

You know what?

We'll do it at my place.

- There are gonna be over 200 people there.

- Wait, wait, I have a place.

Yeah, it's huge.

Yeah, I'm house-sitting for my friend Victor,

who's a--an adult.

- Are you sure it's okay? - Yeah.

- That's great.

- Ah, Victor, there you are.

Uh, taking your house this weekend, big guy.

- What?

- Oh, you guys are doing "The Great Gatsby"?

Yeah, he ends up dead in a pool.

all: [groan]

- Oh, and Daisy killed Myrtle.

all: [groan]

- We're not there yet.

- Oh, hey, guys.

I need your help.

So this is what's going on.

- What the hell was that, Jack?

- Yeah, you can't just throw your apple at the wall.

What are you doing? Pick that up.

- You missed, like, hard.

[all speaking simultaneously]

- I don't think so. I'm not a garbageman.

- Hey, I need you guys to come to a little fund-raiser party

I'm throwing this weekend.

I need a little backup taking down my ex's

douche boyfriend Chase.

- Backup?

- Yeah, it's also for, like, a really good cause

or some junk, you know, so...

And there's gonna be an open bar.

- Mm, mm-hmm. - Ohh.

- Now, I could get dressed up

to go flirt with some do-gooders.

- Right, well, we have been drawing from the same pool

of losers for so long.

We've got to mix it up, meet some quality guys.

- Hey, if you're gonna bang somebody at this party,

do my mind banging Chase? That would be great for me.

- Whoa. - Don't tell her who to bang.

- The fun part is me finding out night of.

- Yeah, right, right.

All right, I'll see you guys at the party.

Oh, Ralph.

- Hey, toga, toga, toga.

I'm sorry; I couldn't help overhearing you

talk about a party.

- Oh, yeah, I'm throwing a party.

- You know, my wife, Brenda, lets me out one night a month.

- It's gonna be this Saturday. - Oh, that sounds fun.

- Doing it to destroy my ex's boyfriend.

- Oh, he... - When he thinks he can't be

destroyed any harder...

- Is this, like, a potluck thing or...

- I finish him with something huge.

- Would love to see that firsthand.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm not sure what it's gonna be yet,

but it's gonna be good.

[bell rings] - Yeah.

- All right, see ya, Ralph. - See...

See ya. See ya. "See ya, Ralph."

Wait, did not say "See you there, Ralph."

Maybe he left the "there" part out.

Maybe...okay, you're talking to yourself.

You're frightening the students again.

Go in your office. That's where it's good.

That's where it's...good.

Okay, here we go.

[classical music]

- [laughs]

This--this is gonna be my ace in the hole.

See, Meredith always loved that I played the piano,

so I think what I'll do is, I'll have somebody just

really drag this bad boy right in the center of the room.

- Please be careful. - All right, V-sauce.

I think we're all set. It's time for you to leave.

- I feel like I should stay.

- Come on. Look, it's fine.

Everything's gonna be fine. You've got to let go a little.

- It's not that simple for me.

What if my parents find out.

- You know what you say?

You say, "I know about your affairs."

That always works, and it will buy you a little time

to think about your next move.

But look, it's never gonna come to that.

This is a sophisticated event.

We're talking give garbage bags tops.

- But my container only holds two,

and they don't pick up until Wednesday.

- Victor, I need you to talk faster,

or if you're gonna keep the same speed, use less words.

- Holds. Two. Wednesday.

- Yeah, that'll work.

- Can't. Do. Whole. Life.

- Look... [doorbell rings]

- Victor, we don't care what you say.

We're having a party.

.

- Oh, yeah, Jack. It's weird you're here.

Whoa, this house is fancy.

- Okay, listen, you guys got to leave,

seriously, or you get Fs.

Go...

Oh--oh, no.

Okay, no time, no time.

Basement. Go. Now.

Let's go. Follow me. Follow me. Follow me.

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

- The guy who saved the night.

- Ahh... - Oh, my God.

Planning this thing has literally been one

unpleasant surprise after another.

You really bailed us out.

- Well, I was glad to help, yeah.

You look beautiful, by the way.

- Yes, she does. I already told her.

- Yeah, this place is really nice.

So what does your friend Victor do?

- What does Victor do?

He's a--he--he's done very well selling...

uh, little pieces of fur.

- Like pelts?

- No.

What are you doing a documentary about Victor?

Get out of here. Come on. Don't worry about him.

He's--he's doing good. He's doing good.

All right, go--go host, host.

[chuckles] All right, yeah.

Guys, shut up.

Shut--guys, shut--shut up.

Shut up. They're gonna hear you.

All right, Victor, is there a basement exit?

- No. There's also no bathroom.

- God, okay, well, if Meredith sees a flock of geeks

flying out of this basement, she's gonna know I lied

about this place.

Got to get you out of here somehow.

Okay, maybe I stuff you guys all in boxes.

Maybe--well-- - Mr. Griffin, hear us out.

- No, Marcus. He won't listen if it's you.

- That's true. - Mr. Griffin, you were right.

We need to make crazy party memories.

We want to end up in a tunnel.

- Yeah, I am hell-bent on fighting tonight.

- A lot of business deals are made over drinks.

- And I want to do a panty raid.

What? That's a thing.

It's, like, in every '80s movie.

- Please, boss.

- Okay.

All right, fine, fine.

You guys can stay, but I won't have you ruin this party

for me, so don't make a peep, and don't leave this room.

This isn't some stupid farce.

[doorbell rings] Ahh.

Okay, bye. Shh. Just...

- All right already.

[all speaking simultaneously]

- Cheers.

- Cheers. - Our first party.

- Ooh, that dude could give me the news.

Got a nice caboose too.

Oh, married.

[groans]

- Oh, I do love an older gentleman

with a strong brow, you know.

Oh, and--and so does his wife, okay.

- It seems like everybody here is married.

- I mean, what were we thinking?

These are quality do-gooder men.

I mean, of course they're all taken.

- I know, there's a reason why all the guys in our usual pool

are still single.

They've always got something weird going on.

- Oh, like that guy Bruce

who used to like to tongue your belly button.

- Oh, God, yeah.

He used to spend, like, ten minutes in there.

I don't know what he thought was gonna happen.

[scoffs] I want satay.

- Girl. - Come on.

- Ten minutes? Really?

- [laughs]

- Uh-oh. Look out there, tiger.

I spent a lot of time on this event.

I don't want you wrecking the place.

- Oh. - I'm not wrecking the place.

It was just a little fumble. I saved it.

- You saved it from yourself.

[chuckles] Ahh.

Isn't Victor's place beautiful?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, I--

I use it sometimes as an intellectual retreat.

I tell you, I've gotten some of my best ideas

sitting at that window right there staring at the sunset.

- [laughs and coughs]

Oh, sorry. I just--

that window actually faces the east.

So I guess you're telling me this is the only house

in the world where the sun sets in the east.

- No, I'm just saying--

- You know where north is, Jack?

- Normally, yeah. - It's that way.

- I just--I got a little turned around, 'cause it's--

you know, it's not my house.

It's my friend's-- excuse me one second.

[silently]

- Okay, it's just a party.

And we're about to go in.

Jack will be happy to see us, so here we go.

Here we--okay.

All right, let them go.

Let them go, and then you go, so here we go.

Don't over think it.

Okay, you're a cool party guy.

You're a cool party guy.

You're a cool party guy.

No, thank you.

[laughs]

Pardon me, okay, pot stickers...

nothing.

And you walked straight through.

- Well, look at that, so fine.

Put roses on my grave, for I am dead.

But let's hold for wife. - Mm, mm-kay.

- Hold. - Mm-kay.

Holding still.

- Maybe she's in the bathroom. - Okay.

- Give her five. - Okay.

- Wait, he's not wearing a ring.

- Oh, dibs! - Dibs!

- Oh...

- Ohh.

- Hello. I'm Mary.

- How are you?

- Well, maybe you can talk to him later.

- Mm-mm, no, she was faster on the draw.

Now she gets him for life.

And that's the rule of dibs.

[sighs]

- [upbeat electronic music]

♪

- ♪ Work it

♪ Come on girl

♪ Work it

- Will you have my back when I plunk a bitch?

- Uh, I don't know. I have soft bones.

- I can't believe I'm drinking with my bully.

- I'm so sorry I used to throw your backpack in that pond.

It wasn't about you. It was my stuff.

- Yeah, I understand, okay.

I wear these dark clothes,

'cause I'm trying to figure out who I am, but underneath it,

I'm just a guy who loves to dance.

♪

- ♪ Jerk back, give me some more ♪

- I love you guys too.

I'm so drunk.

- We love Victor.

Hey, man, V, I've got to pee so bad, so...

- Oh, oh, I know. I know.

Me too, so bad.

- Me too. I've got to go.

- Oh, oh, we can't go upstairs.

We--we just have to hold it.

- Hi, hi, hello, hi.

You guys hear me?

Great. My name's Jack Griffin.

Or as some of you may know me, the guy who saved the night.

[laughs]

Anyway, I just wanted to raise a glass

to the lovely Meredith Covey,

and, of course, to this wonderful cause.

And what does a free clinic need?

How about a few of my favorite things?

[microphone feedback]

All right.

[playing "My Favorite Things"]

♪

- Are we in E minor here? - Yeah.

- Yeah, now we're flying.

♪

- Take it easy, man, relax.

- This is how I relax.

♪

[piano clangs, glass shatters]

[all murmuring]

[quirky percussive music]

♪

.

- What a fun surprise that was, dueling pianos,

but with one piano.

I guess our lives can be overtaken by chaos

at any moment, which is why the free clinic is so important,

so please keep your donations coming.

Peace.

Jack, a piano fight?

Can you please hold it together?

You're being really immature.

- Chase is being immature.

- Well, maybe, but I'm talking to you right now.

- Yeah, okay, well, I hope you're gonna talk

to him about it too, you know.

Actually, there he is. Hey, Chase, Chase,

Meredith has a--yeah.

- Hey, babe.

- That's really loud in my ear. - Oh.

Did you see that? - Yeah, she saw it, man.

She saw it, and she was just talking about

how immature you were being.

- Yeah, well, you're the most immature person I've ever met,

and I've met tons of babies.

- I just can't believe you helped out in Haiti,

Myanmar, and Guam all within the same year.

I didn't know there were any quality single guys left.

- Well, that's why I'm still single.

I haven't stayed in one place until now.

- Whew, I just got a sensual swell.

- Take off your shoe.

- Oh, okay. That's what you're into?

- Yeah, I want to see those little foot fingers.

- Hmm? You don't call them toes?

- I want to dress those naughty little piggies.

- Excuse?

- I'm into toe clothes.

You know, a little, you know, double-breasted suit

for your big toe, like, you know,

and then a little fun summer dress for the ladies,

you know, summertime, and then, you know,

something that you would wear to a funeral

or something like that or--

- Okay, you know what?

I'ma give you my number, but stay away from my belly button.

- Fair enough.

- Ehh...okay, I have to pee.

My bladder is too small to be partying this much.

Wait. [sniffs]

What the hell?

Hey, why is this planter full of gin?

- Okay, enough with the witch hunt.

It was me.

I've been faking.

I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not ready

to do drinking yet.

- No, Victor, we're sorry.

[together] Yeah.

- You've been such a gracious host,

and how do we repay you?

By peer-pressuring you?

- But you guys haven't.

You've been lovely guests from the beginning.

[together] Aww.

- Victor, it's okay to be scared.

- Give me the shot. - Whoo!

- Yeah. - Do it.

- Live fast. Die young.

- Okay.

- Ahh.

- [groans]

Oh, no.

- E minor wasn't even the right choice for the song.

- Uh, you wasn't even the right choice for the song.

- Okay, enough.

Tonight is about the free clinic.

You guys might not care about it, but I really do.

- All right, look, I kind of feel like I gave her

what she needs, and you weren't able to do that,

so why don't we just shake hands and you admit that I won.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me.

- Victor? - Oh, God.

- I've got to pee. Oh. - [gagging]

- What are... - Wait, is that Victor?

- Ohh. - Excuse me.

- Who are all these kids?

- Ohh! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Are they drunk? - Move, move.

- Wait, there are students here?

- Oh, my God. We've got to bounce.

- Uh-uh, I'm not going down for this.

- Jack, please tell me that we are not holding this

fund-raiser at one of your student's houses.

- Oh, God. - Look, everything--

everything's gonna be fine.

- Panty raid!

Whoo! Yeah!

- Uh... - Whoo! Whoo!

- It is in every '80s movie.

.

- This party's about to get a servin' of Durbin.

Second time's a charm.

- Ralph, no, no, no. This party is not for you.

- See, I knew I wasn't invited.

- This place is a freakin' maze.

- How am I supposed to pee if there are no bathrooms?

- Everyone... - Seriously?

- Excuse me.

Everyone, could I have your attention, please?

Sorry, it--sorry.

It has come to my attention that we don't have permission

to be here, so unfortunately,

we all need to leave immediately.

- You okay, bud?

- I feel great.

Thanks for letting us stay.

You were right.

I was wound too tight, and I needed to let go.

Now I have a crazy party memory.

I've got to go journal this before I black out.

- Whoa, what do you mean, "black out?"

How much did you drink?

- One shot. - One sh...

All right, listen to me. Listen to me.

You're gonna be fine, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

You got a breath mint? - Yeah.

- Yeah, use it. Okay, I'll be back.

- Okay.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Excuse me, guys. Excuse me.

Could I just have your attention, please,

just for one quick second?

It is true that we don't have permission to be here, okay?

But that is mostly my fault, so please don't take it out

on the free clinic.

These guys, they're relying on you.

Your contributions, they keep the lights on and the...

Band-Aids sticky, or whatever else goes on in a free clinic.

You get my point. Look, before you leave, please,

just hit the donation table first, okay?

All right, great, thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

- Thank you, Jack.

Hey. - Hey.

You want to hit the silent auction table with me?

- Yes. - Okay, 'cause I think Jack

probably has to tuck in his friends.

- Ahh-ahh!

- Whoa.

- Now you, lady, punch me in the face.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, I didn't ask her to do that.

That's--that was just gravy.

Come on. Let's go.

I'll--I'll talk to you soon.

All right, all right, easy, tiger.

Get with your friends, Heather.

Wow, she wasn't kidding.

All right, well, time to leave.

Let's get you in some Ubers. What do you say, huh?

- There were five entire garbage bags

stuffed in the bins, Victor.

Did you have a party?

- I know about the affairs.

- Go to your room.