Original subtitles

OK, it's recording here.

Wave to the camera.

Oh, look at this one.

Actually, stand up.

- No. - Yes, yes.

How you doing?

Good.

Yeah.

Lay down there.

OK.

You know how it is, all right,

- I gotta be able to pull it up, here we go.

OK.

Oh, yes.

Stick it up for me, stick it up.

- Ow! - Is that too hard?

- Yes.

Better? How 'bout this cheek?

Is that too hard?

♪ There's something sweet here next to me ♪

♪ A girl with lips sweeter than candy ♪

♪ When we kiss it's a calorie ♪

♪ Anything sweeter and it'd be misery ♪

♪ Sweet misery ♪

♪ She tastes like candy ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Sha na na na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na na ♪

♪ She's my candy girl ♪

♪ Under a sky that feels so large ♪

♪ We collect like dust amongst the stars ♪

♪ You're my star ♪

♪ I'll take my spaceship ♪ ♪ through these skies ♪

♪ To get so close to your distant eyes ♪

♪ I swallow my pride ♪

♪ To be at her side ♪

♪ Sha na na na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na na ♪

♪ She's my candy girl ♪

♪ There's something sweet here next to me ♪

♪ A girl with lips more ♪ ♪ cordial than brandy ♪

♪ When we kiss it's a calorie ♪

♪ Anything sweeter and it'd be misery ♪

- What're you doing? - Nothing.

It's too small.

- It's too small. - What?

My dick is too small, what do you think I'm talkin' about?

No, it's not. Let me see what you got here.

No, it's, babe, come on, I'm serious.

Like, the...

...the movies I watch or seen, the people you've been with,

- I mean, look at this, I mean, you know what it looks like,

- I mean there's nothing here. I mean, there's nothing here.

- I love your penis. - I mean...

- Come back to bed, OK. - I'll be back in a second.

What's up guys, this is Paul from My Size Matters.

And, uh, here to tell you all about my results-

- of the penis enlargement pills.

These are the top four of my research, and here are the results.

The first two, the brown pills, I do not recommend these.

They did nothing for me.

The pills on the far right in the funny looking bottle,

- I actually got side effects from taking those-

- and I had headaches and nausea,

- and I wouldn't recommend these to anyone.

The pills, uh, the white pills,

- I, are the winner, of this review, based,

- um, I was feeling results immediately, almost,

- within like two days, if you can believe that,

- and, uh, I'm taking them right now and they're great.

Um, my penis is getting bigger every day,

- uh, longer, curve, everything, um.

Hey, babe, you got a package.

It just doesn't make any sense for me-

- to pay rent on my place when I'm here every night.

Plus, I buy all these groceries and they go bad...

...cause I'm here with you, cooking with you.

- It's just like a vessel that's sitting there... - Okey, okey, okey, okey.

Oh, fuck yes.

Yes.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah.

I don't know what else to say to you.

I don't even understand why you're being this way.

Cause I love you.

Is it cause I got fat?

It's not because of anything you really...

- Then tell me what I did. - Did.

It's just not what I want, I'm just, you know,

- nothing you can say is really going to...

...change any of that.

Then I'll go.

You don't care do you? You don't care that I'm leaving, do you?

That's it?

You fucking asshole, you're a fucking asshole.

Whoa, this place is so cool.

This is like, a grown up apartment,

- this is not like a Wrigleyville-

- like a, okay that's enough, oh whoa.

- Is that enough? - Yeah. - There you go.

- Does it even have a big screen TV? - Upstairs. - Mmm.

How do you get to the top of there, how do you get.

- Here. - You have a lot of...

You have a lot of balls in your apartment.

Yeah, come on, let's, uh...

Is it an apartment or is it like a whole?

I mean, I guess, it's technically an apartment-

- but I have two more floors and I have one...

Are there people up there?

- Do you have roommates? - No, no, no.

No roommates, no cats, no dogs.

- No guinea pigs? - No, no nothing.

- You sure? - Yeah, no nothing.

- Help me out. - Whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up.

- Help me out. - You take that one off.

Wait, wait, OK.

And, up, there it is.

Oh, you have a sunburn.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. For just a second.

I'll be right back, OK?

I'll be right back, OK?

I'll be right back.

Get that fucking thing away from me you freak!

What the fuck, how do you get out of this fucking place?

Oh, fuck, oh you fucking freak!

Fucking freak!

I know we both said some things-

- that we didn't necessarily mean...

...and I just think if we talk about it it'd be all right.

Babe, can't we just be mature and talk?

By the way...

...I've always hated your small dick.

Ahh, it's just you and me now.

Oh, but fuck it, it's cool.

I've waited for you for so long.

Nobody else seems to like you,

- oh, but I love you.

♪ Off night teens with lesser guides ♪

♪ Enough of my old ways ♪

♪ Off white scenes messed and lined ♪

♪ Who are you ♪

♪ And where am I ♪

How's it going in there?

Fine.

Do you think you might be ready soon?

Baby?

Sure.

What do you think?

I think they're silly.

No, they're so cool.

OK.

Are you wearing underwear under here?

Yeah, why?

Why are you wearing underwear?

Huh?

No, you're just supposed to wear the tights.

Seriously?

Yeah, will you change?

Hm.

Go stand in the doorway.

Turn around.

Take your bra off.

Lean against the door.

Play with your breasts.

I want you to play with yourself.

Hey.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Wake up.

Wake up.

One second.

Oh, sorry.

Yep.

Thanks.

So what were you saying about before?

Oh.

I just, I've been masturbating constantly,

I can't, I get turned on all the time,

I don't know how to stop it.

Well, what sets you off?

Like, heat, like the coffee cup turns me on.

And then like other types of drinks,

- like beer bottles have been really turning me on.

Like the shape of it, that shape,

- if Coke were in the bottle that would turn me on, too.

Or like, like riding my bike turns me on.

And like, really narrow streets turn me on.

And then, the sidewalk when it gets kind of sparkly-

- like at the end of the street, like where it goes in-

- to the actual street, when it gets sparkly there.

That does something to my eyes and that turns me on.

People in uniform, look,

- not so much police officers, but like, mailmen,

- that really turns, and like UPS, and also the boxes,

- the wrapped up boxes.

That's really, that's really sexy.

Cards, like playing cards.

Particularly the royals.

Like the jack, and the queen and the king.

Hmm.

I don't know.

Well, that's OK.

Maybe you're just not fulfilled, you know?

Like, you know when you want chocolate,

- and you don't eat chocolate and you just keep eating things-

- and eating things, and when you should just have chocolate?

But what's the chocolate?

Can't figure it out.

Maybe you need to be a gasper.

What?

A gasper?

When you strangle yourself.

Oh, have you tried that?

Kind of sublime.

Yeah, you, it's, it like gives you this natural high.

Yeah, I've done it, once.

- How does it work? - It's pretty amazing.

You can take a belt,

- or a plastic bag,

- or some people use like, gas,

- to take the oxygen out of the room.

Pretty much anything that cuts off oxygen to your brain.

You may as well try it, I mean...

Yeah, couldn't hurt.

You could have hurt yourself.

I know, I'm sorry.

Are you mad at me?

I just wish you would have told me, because I could have helped.

You could?

It's a lot safer with a partner.

Do you want to try it?

Do you want to use the belt or just my hand?

I don't know, the belt didn't work so well last time.

Why don't you unbutton your pants?

♪ Cut and cut and crack it up ♪

♪ Cr-crack, cr-crack, yes ♪

♪ Oh I can cut you, catch you ♪

♪ Catch you, catch you gettin' older. ♪

♪ You can't get quick ♪

♪ You can't commit ♪

♪ You can't control her without ♪

♪ Remember bodies sold ♪ ♪ to Sunday, getting colder ♪

♪ Oh, so civilized so you cannot take it ♪

♪ Oh, you cannot take it ♪

♪ Oh, you cannot make it ♪

♪ A force has come is still alive ♪

♪ Oh, open up and take it ♪

♪ All the money, take it ♪

♪ Oh, you cannot take it ♪

♪ Night time, chin-chin ♪ ♪ and worry 'bout the nation ♪

♪ What you cannot take ♪

♪ Yeah, no one cannot take you ♪

♪ Rise slow, close the blinds ♪ ♪ and wonder what you take, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, you cannot take you ♪

♪ oh, you cannot take you ♪

♪ What you, what you can't ♪

♪ It's just the world you've never seen ♪

♪ Take your ship, just strangle it ♪

♪ Your ship that's coming in ♪

- I'm gonna come. - OK.

- All right, are you done? - No, no, you can come, baby.

It's not working.

You want me to leave you alone?

No, no, no, it's not you, it's just my vagina.

- Damn thing. - It's just not working anymore.

- Read. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Just my body's real different, you know?

On account, the book said, my cervix is just like swollen,

- and bigger, and it just hurts if you go real far in.

Yeah, I don't really know what that means.

It just means that it's bigger, I don't know.

I don't care, I mean, is there something I can do?

I don't know.

Is there something that you want me to do that you're not telling me?

No, definitely if I knew what I wanted you to do-

- I would tell you what to do.

- OK. - I promise.

But it does stink.

But I still like having you inside of me, I still like making you come.

I do.

That makes me feel good.

- That your good deed for the day? - Yeah.

I promise I'll tell you if there's something that you can do.

- All right. - Love you.

I love you, too.

It's just that, it's just you feel a little bit less turned on.

I bet it's just the hormones.

No, I feel turned on.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

I feel turned on, I want to have sex.

I have sex, and I start to have an orgasm-

- and then it's like a weird, incomplete,

- like, not fulfilling orgasm.

Sounds like Hell!

- It's terrible.

And then I just get mad and I feel bad for Frank-

- cause like,

- he, I mean,

- I feel bad for him.

Cause sex isn't as fun,

- like he still comes, but it's like, that's it,

- it's basically like masturbating inside of me.

I know, it sucks.

But I'm hoping, you know, once the baby's born,

- that won't happen anymore.

Well, it better not.

Oh, he's moving.

- Mm, do you want to feel him? - Yeah.

Here, here, he's like right here.

- Do you feel it? - Mmpm.

There he is.

Hey little alien.

I forget that this is the outcome of having sex sometimes.

He likes all this orgasm talk.

- Is he, can I hear him? - I don't know, maybe.

She thinks that she could give me an orgasm.

OK, I'm sure she does.

But like, I was thinking about...

...just like, letting her do that,

- or would that make you mad if she tried?

I mean, wouldn't that be weird for you, though?

I mean, it would be a little weird cause we're friends, but I think...

...she doesn't seem to think it would be weird and...

- Safe. - Yeah.

- Yeah we could do that. - Yeah? - Yeah, no,

- It wouldn't make you mad?

No, no, it's been done.

Do you like that idea a little bit?

- Do you? - Kinda like it, it's kinda...

- Sexy? - Mmmm, a little bit.

- A little bit? - A little bit.

I think it might be interesting, no harm, right?

No harm.

Then and we actually need to take that box,

- that crib box, and bring it in and take everything out of it-

- and make sure it's not damaged or anything.

So that we can make sure that we don't have to send it back.

- Before we put it together? - Before we put it together.

- OK. - Because I want it to be together before the baby shower.

We'll be right back.

I registered stuff.

It's really, I'm excited to pick out like the things that are gonna be...

- I know, I know. - It's pretty cool.

You get to pick 'em out and not all of the 400 people-

- who are picking the presents.

I know, right, that's how it used to be, you know?

Everyone would just like, get you,

- and you just had to be like, you had to be nice.

I wonder when registries and stuff started.

- Babe, what are you doing? - Nothing.

- Franky... what are you doing? - Nothing.

Did you think that this was gonna be like, all of us?

Nope.

We think this was just gonna be like,

- just two of us alone. - I'm sorry, babe.

- I'm sorry. - It's rad.

So anyway, I'm excited to decorate.

- You got a light by any chance? - Uh, yeah.

We'd just keep to my room to go like this.

Now I know what guys are talking about when they're like,

I feel like guys come up with a lot of weird metaphors-

- for what boobs feel like.

One guy told me once that my boob felt like-

- a life jacket.

That's amazing.

And that it was really sexy, I was just.

I think, yeah, I think it was like-

- he touched a life jacket when he was 10 and was like,

- this is what boobs feel like,

- and then, later on they didn't really feel like that but.

I don't know if you can do that with the other person's clothes.

- What are you gonna do with them? - Oh I don't know.

- Whoo. - I think I have it all the way turned up,

- let me turn it down, this is a little much.

- You have to ease into that level. - OK, OK.

- This is fun, I'm having fun. - Me, too.

OK, now I've got it.

That is so beautiful.

You're such a woman.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh fuck, oh fuck...

...oh fuck.

- So you really can't put a bra on like that? - No.

Why is that, cause your boobs cover it.

Yeah, but if I try to put a bra on like that,

- it'll be like, there's just no way that this can spin around-

- cause like, my boobs are too big.

- You know what I mean? - Not a problem that I've had...

...but I do know what you mean.

Hi, have you been out here the whole time?

- Thank you. - Thank you, see you.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you, too.

- I'll see you soon. - You can come in now.

Whatchyou doin' in there?

Measurin'.

- Did you feel left out today? - Mmhmm.

- I'm sorry. - It's OK.

Thanks for letting me have that experience, though.

- Love you. - I love you, too.

Oh.

Mmmm.

Mmm, ooh, that's a new thing you're doing.

- Yeah? - What is that thing?

- It's new. - Where'd you learn that from?

Mm mmm.

- I like that. - Yeah?

- More? - More please.

- More please. - More please.

Oh, that feels good.

♪ I know where they build em ♪

♪ I know when they're selling low ♪

♪ Wilder than the worst ones ♪

♪ Wilder than the one I'd known ♪

♪ Smoke machine begins to blow ♪

♪ Lines of water on the floor ♪

♪ Indifferent to the written wall ♪

♪ Lost in the wood on another hunt ♪

♪ If they rattle, then they rattle on ♪

Clifton, shut up!

Clifton!

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, oh that's the one.

Oh yeah.

- Oh, you gonna come? - Mmhm.

- Oh, you are? - Yeah.

I'm thirsty, I'm gonna get something to drink.

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Um, can I speak with Richard?

- Yeah, this is him. - Hi, this is Ann.

Do what now? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up.

Ann.

Do what, what'd you say, Rand, hello?

- Ann! - I'm sorry, what?

- Seriously, I can't hear you. - It's Ann!

- Oh, hey, how you doing? - I'm good.

- How are you doing? - Pretty good, pretty good, not bad.

Good. Glad to hear.

Um, actually, I'm calling because I'm wondering-

- if you might still have my box of stuff.

Uh, oh yeah, yeah, I do, I got that shit.

OK, well good.

So would you mind if I stop by and pick it up?

Sure, like right now?

Um, how 'bout tomorrow?

Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

Maybe like three? 3:00?

Yeah, that's perfect, um, should I, e-mail you my address?

Uh, yeah, actually, um,

- I still have the same e-mail address as I did before, so...

...just e-mail it.

OK, OK, cool.

OK, so, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Awesome, I'll see you then.

OK, well, bye.

All right, bye.

And we got rid of all our stuff and drove across the country,

- and I didn't want to rent a U-Haul-

- and so we moved, we moved in in September,

- and then we just kept all the furniture-

- which sounds disgusting but I've gotten so used to it-

- that it doesn't bother me anymore.

Yeah, well...

Like we sprayed down the leather and it felt like,

- if it was cloth I couldn't do it.

Sure, yeah, yeah, you can,

- you can have sex on leather and just wipe that right off.

But don't you find the Polish glass to be a little gaudy?

We've always talked about moving it-

- and it's just been one of those things that-

- it just, it goes with the aesthetic.

So until we replace everything, we can't...

Right, so it's like once you switch out the vase...

The whole thing gets ridiculous.

Coffee table's ruined and then you gotta go for the couch.

Yeah, who were you talking to?

- I wasn't talking to anybody. - You were on the phone.

Nosy.

Well, we could hear you, you were shouting.

It was nothing.

Hey, you downstairs?

Yeah, just come on up.

All right.

Ah, shit.

Oh shit.

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh my God!

- How are you? - You look great.

Thanks, did I come at a weird time?

Uh, oh, no. Well, I just got out of the shower, but, um,

- here, come in.

I didn't realize you were gonna get here so early.

- Well, I'm actually a little bit late. - Oh really?

Here, come on in here.

- Yeah, I don't have any clocks in here. - Oh, I see.

This right here.

Wow.

- You like it? - This is where you live?

Yeah, I spend a lot of time here.

- Oh, man. - Here, take a seat.

OK.

I just got this.

Yeah.

So is everything OK with you right now?

Um, yeah, everything's great actually.

- How 'bout with you? - Yeah, things are great.

- That's cool. - Do you have that box?

- Still you said? - Oh, right, yeah.

- Can you just go get that box? - You want me to go get it right now?

- Mmhm. - OK.

I guess, I guess I can just go ahead and get dressed-

- right now, should I get dressed?

I think so.

OK, well, I'll be right back, OK?

- OK. - All right.

Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, look at that. - Box of stuff.

That's my old Christmas tree.

- That's right it is. - Oh, I missed it.

What's going on here?

Oh, nothing.

I was actually just lookin' on there.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I was lookin' on there.

Your computer.

Yeah, that's what it's there for.

Yeah, well I was looking-

- to see if I could find those files.

Um?

Those files, the, the, the movie files from our past.

That we made. That we starred in.

Oh, you mean sexy videos?

Those are the ones.

Did you want to watch 'em or something?

No, I didn't...

...I was just gonna,

I mean, do you still have those files on there?

Oh yeah, of course.

Of course, I mean, I was thinking...

I don't know, do you still need those movies?

Well, I don't know, I mean, you know.

Can we delete 'em?

- Why? - Those movies.

I was, just wondering, if we could.

I just thought while I was here, you know,

- getting this stuff we could just take care of that stuff.

You know, just get rid of 'em.

Wipe 'em out.

I don't understand, I mean.

I'm getting married...

...and you know, I just thought.

Oh, right.

Get rid of those, just the right thing to do, you know?

Yeah, um, uh, yeah.

Oh yeah, you fucking bitch.

Oh yeah, you bitch.

Just get rid of 'em.

Move on.

Maybe if you got something new from her, you know?

One new thing in exchange for getting rid of all the old things.

Just an idea.

Huh.

All right, so,

- the other day, whenever we deleted those files?

Umm, I wasn't totally honest with you about-

- those being the only copies.

OK.

OK, but the thing is, I will delete them.

I'll delete them today, right now.

But first I need you to do something for me really quick.

OK, I am not going to have sex with you.

No, no, no, no, it's not like that at all.

OK, this is just a little thing,

- it'll take like five, maybe 10-15 minutes...

...and you'll be in and out of here.

- OK. - It's not a big deal.

So I'm not exactly sure how this works,

- but if I mix these three things together,

- and then if you sit in it for five minutes...

...it should make a mold of your pussy.

If you do that, I'll delete the videos.

Here, try it like a crab, crab walk kind of thing.

OK, OK, this isn't easy.

- I can't even tell if I'm over it. - Yeah, you are, you're good.

Here, here, come forward.

OK, bring it down.

Bring it down.

I don't know, this is,

- this is really hurting my arms and I can't do that for five minutes.

- OK, OK. - Hurry here, it's, I mean, it's...

...I mean, you're gonna have to do it right now or it's not gonna work.

There ya go.

Oh, oh it's really cold.

OK, can I kind of adjust a little?

- OK. - Yeah?

- Oh my God. - OK, OK.

- Oh, I hate you. - Don't move.

I really do hate you.

- Don't move, don't move. - OK, OK.

- Oh, this stuff smells horrible. - Sorry.

Oh my God.

Oh, don't, don't look at me.

- Sorry. - Jesus.

You should probably never contact me again.

OK.

Thank you.

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Think I'm gonna go.

My girlfriend's been acting really weird.

Oh hey, how'd that fake vagina thing go?

Oh, it went great.

♪ Is it any wonder how the world ♪

♪ Spins its lonely days for me ♪

♪ Like a record with its bruises ♪

♪ Skips a beat of history ♪

♪ In between the grooves is where I lie ♪

♪ Wondering where this lover hides ♪

♪ To the girl with the marble eyes ♪

♪ Can it be that you've ♪ ♪ taken me by surprise ♪

♪ The wind and rain ♪ ♪ have carried your fame ♪

♪ To my front door ♪

♪ In spite of my hearts refrain ♪

♪ Capulet and Montague ♪

♪ Never even heard of me and you ♪

♪ I'll keep this secret of how I adore ♪

♪ This passion girl that ♪ ♪ I was always looking for ♪