Original subtitles

Bit nervous. This is my first time.

Not sexually. I mean, with a prostitu...

with a lady of... ill repute.

- Have you got the money, love? - The money? Oh, yeah, sorry.

I find the evenings quite lonely since my wife left,

- if you're wondering why. - Hurry up, love.

I'd just quite like to get back for Match of the Day.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Here.

So, what happens now? Do you...? Oh, straight to it.

Was your business affected much by coronavirus?

Must be quite hard to do this

when you're wearing a face maaaaaaask!

Oh! Th-that's tremendous.

Oh, well done. Uh, ha-ha!

That's... You've done that before.

Ahh. Ahh.

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh.

Ahh...

Ahh...

Oh!

Ooh...

- Open your window, sir.

Good evening, officer. This is my wife.

What?

If you're wondering who this lady is, it's my wife.

- We're happily married. - Your driving license, sir?

Yep.

Just gonna reach for it in the glove compartment.

- Mm-hm. - I'm unarmed.

No, wait. No, no...

- Oh! - Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I know I lawyer if you need one.

Oh, no, thanks. I actually am a lawyer.

- Really? - But do you know a tire guy?

Lara!

I know you've got another woman in there, Lara!

There's no one here, Gabby!

If you're going to cheat on me,

will you at least get your own fucking Spotify account!

I can see that you're on my Netflix and Chill playlist.

God, before you met me,

you thought Mumford & Sons did furniture removals!

You're being mad. Go home. Drink some water.

No! No, no, Gabby!

Shit, Gabby. No, I will call the police again!

- They'll arrest you! - Oh, why, darling?

I'm just issuing a public service announcement.

Lara Grant is a cheating skank!

'Which service do you require?'

Yes, police, please.

every chance she could...

Get off!

with the wrong crowd

led me on

Does she put a rocket in your pocket?

What?

The girl you've been having a sneak at the last 10 minutes.

Do you like her?

She's just a friend from school.

Ask her out.

- I can't just ask her out. - She's right there.

- With her friends. - So?

So they might laugh at me.

Remind me why being laughed at is worse than dying a virgin?

- I'm not a virgin. - No...

and I don't have to get up six times a night to take a piss.

Alright... I'll ask her out for you.

No. Please don't.

I'm only waiting while mum takes my sister to class

so that you don't steal her car.

How's this? Go tell her you're having a party.

She and her friends are invited.

Mum doesn't let me have parties.

Don't worry about your mum.

Do it! Or forever wish you had.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Uh!

...party this Saturday. Wondered if you want to come.

Well?

We need to have a party!

- You're an animal.

You're an animal!

Here he is.

Greggles, uh, quick question, yeah?

When they arrested you with that prossie,

- did you come quietly?

Just a joke. Thanks for taking it on the chin.

- As you said to your prossie.

You're a lawyer, mate.

You're the one who's supposed to be charging 200 quid an hour

- to get people off.

No. Seriously, peace offering. Got some intel for you.

I have been slipping Kingsley's secretary a length

and she tells me that he and the partners

are not happy with you.

- What's she heard? - That you're on your way out

unless you win some fans upstairs, sharpish.

- Win some fans how? - Come on, chap.

When they hired you as a solicitor,

they didn't think you'd be soliciting prostitutes.

When's the last time you brought in a new client?

I brought in a new client recently.

That was you, for kerb-crawling.

I was not kerb-crawling.

I got her number off the internet.

I'm saying, you better find a way to get yourself noticed

that doesn't involve being noshed off in a carpark.

Hey, uh, I don't know if you've heard,

but, uh, I'm having a party and you're invited.

Beth, Louise and Cassidy said they were coming.

No one's coming to your shitty party.

There's going to be alcohol.

I can get alcohol anytime I want.

My dad's got it hid all over the house.

No one's coming to your party.

Make it quick cos I'm rinsing this kid from China

and he's gotta go to bed soon.

So? We good?

What do you think, Spider? We good?

Look, I've done my part. Now you do yours.

My sister comes by, she ain't welcome.

A'ight. We're good.

Yo.

Any trouble?

No. No trouble.

Hey, bud.

- I'm cancelling the party. - Why?

No one wants to come.

I have to ask you something.

Are you a nerd?

What? No. Why would you say that?

You dress like one.

You're 70 years old. What do you know about fashion?

Nothing, and I still know you dress like a nerd.

- Which should worry you. - Why are you being mean?

I'm not being mean, I'm helping.

Can you magically make me cool?

- Yes. - How?

You're gonna have a famous person at your party.

What? Who?

So, apparently, since I started Community Payback,

sales of hi-vis tabards are through the roof.

Oi! Eyes off the cell phone, nose to the grindstone.

Eh, keep sweeping.

But really, look, we trashed an entire economy

so that old people in care homes didn't die of coronavirus.

But how long did they have left? Really? You know?

I mean, 400 billion pounds in debt

so that Nana gets one extra year watching Bargain Hunt.

I mean, and who's bankrolling this, by the way? You know?

I'm all about standing there applauding nurses, that's fine.

But how about a round of applause

for the higher-rate tax payer, right?

Hey... you know that, like, line

that they made you steal, what was that?

- What were you thinking? - What?

You could've gotten one of us killed.

- Why were you even there? - To help.

But I didn't ask for your help.

But you needed it.

You don't know me. Or my life.

Just stay out of it.

Lunch, thirty minutes!

- Sashimi? - I don't eat raw fish.

- You ever tried it? - No.

Then how do you know you don't like it?

I've never shoved a cucumber up my ass,

but I'm pretty sure it's not my thing.

Only pretty sure?

Raw fish, healthiest protein you can eat.

When I was in Japan, all I lived on for two months

was sashimi from Tokyo Fish Market.

- I was as lithe as an otter. - That's a haunting image.

OK, come on, bonding exercise.

Everyone has to share one secret with the group, OK?

Who wants to start? OK, right, I will.

I have pretty much completely ruined things

with my girlfriend.

But she has agreed to meet me later.

Now, I know that I still have a long way to go

to make up for what I did, but I'm working on that.

Someone did once say, "There is no challenge more challenging

"than the challenge to improve yourself." So, yeah.

- Well, wish me luck. - Good luck.

- All the best. - Good luck with that.

Come on, John. What's your secret?

You're a bunch of convicted criminals.

Why would I be sharing my secrets?

I'm angry I even told you my name.

Frank, what's your secret?

I first come to England in 1971.

I told people it was a vacation, but I was dodging the draft.

- What's that? - In America there was a lottery

conscripting men for Vietnam so I come here,

married a wonderful woman, and I kept my head down.

- So you never went to Vietnam? - Not until 1994.

I went on my terms.

Chris? Tell us something we don't know about you.

Unlike Frank, I've never been on a plane before.

Never been further than Weston-super-Mare.

You have to travel, son.

You have not lived until you've drunk rum

with fishermen on a trawler in the Bay of Bengal.

I once drank Tia Maria with a greengrocer

on the Isle of White ferry. That count?

OK, Myrna, tell us something people don't know about you.

I was one of the people

who tore down that statue of Edward Colston.

Wow, so you're a vandal.

No, I just don't believe in memorialising slave traders.

And that gives you the right

to destroy public property, does it?

Edward Colston got rich from the systematic dehumanisation

of an entire people!

So did Simon Cowell, but you're not going after him, are you?

Tell you what, let's put up more statues of white blokes.

Who should we have? Prince Andrew?

Piers Morgan? Harry Potter?

Guys, please!

You can't fix yourself by breaking someone else.

Which philosopher gave us that little gem?

Ariana Grande?

- Greg, what's your secret? - I'm a lawyer.

Keep that quiet. Shameful.

A lawyer who's badly organised, can't remember case precedents.

I use Wikipedia to conduct most of my legal research.

I've missed court deadlines,

- I've forged signatures. - We've all done that.

In my office, I have a cupboard called the Cupboard of Chaos.

I've stuffed every letter, witness statement, affidavit

that's proof of my incompetence in there.

And I can't destroy them, I can't file them,

so I live in constant fear that someone will open the cupboard

and I'll never work in law again.

Even though I'm probably gonna get fired anyway

unless I bring in some new clients, so...

Actually, does anyone need a lawyer?

I've got some business cards here.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Hey, uh, are you any good?

- Rani? - Hmm?

What's your secret?

Well, the other night I stole my dad's van.

I drove it to Lawrence Hill to help this boy I barely know

get out of a really scary situation.

And even though I put my neck on the line for him,

he's incredibly ungrateful.

You do not need people like that in your life.

Yeah, why did you even help him?

I don't know. I guess I thought he was my friend.

Oh, honey, he is not your friend.

He's a total fart-knocker.

Hey, boys? Let's bounce, man.

A line is a mobile phone that drug dealers use.

It contains numbers for all their customers,

so that makes it valuable to rival gang members

that might want to steal their business.

Cool.

Look, I'm not used to people helping me.

So, when they do, I get suspicious.

I'm sorry.

And thank you for what you've done for me.

You're welcome.

Look, before I turned into a 'total fart-knocker'...

...you said that you'd help my sister with her exams.

I don't know if I can.

Frank's not the only one with a curfew.

- You don't have an ankle tag? - Worse.

I have an Asian mother. Nature's ankle tag.

She uses that 'Find My Friends' app

so she can see where me and my phone are at all times.

Her and my dad watch it like a TV show.

Well, could you meet my sister

somewhere you might legit be going anyway?

Mm...

Diane? Can I play some music?

- I'll allow it. - Thanks.

By the way, I overheard you doing your bonding exercise.

- Is that against the rules? - No.

You just should include everyone, really.

Everyone's got interesting secrets.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Of course.

- What's yours, Diane? - I don't mean me specifically.

I just mean, if there's a group of people,

you should include everyone or no one at all.

- Or it's just rude. - Got it. Yeah.

But if you did have a secret that you wanted to share,

then I'd love to hear it.

No, I don't.

OK, then.

I've just started Brazilian Jiujitsu.

My teacher says I've probably got the strongest thighs

of any beginner he's ever trained.

And he once trained Jason Statham.

Wow.

If you were to come at me now, I'd drop you...

...with a single leg takedown,

with your head in between these bad boys,

and crack that pretty little neck like a walnut.

I feel like I know you so much better now.

You're welcome.

Back to work.

Your ladyship, can I just say

I was so struck by what you said earlier?

"There's no challenge more challenging

"than the challenge to improve yourself."

Wise words that really struck home.

Oh, I'm glad.

Hey, can I share a secret?

I didn't want to mention it in front of the group because...

- ...I'm ashamed. - Oh, yeah, of course.

I've been a terrible father and a worse granddad.

In what way?

I lived here 40 years,

pecker in one hand, bottle in the other.

Sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll.

I broke hearts. I burnt my bridges.

But, I figure, if we can mend this dump,

I can mend my bridges too.

Hey, good for you.

I'm throwing my grandson Tom a party tonight.

He's a good kid. He's not the coolest beer in the fridge,

but I'm trying to win him some street cred

and I'm wondering...

how much would you charge to make a VIP appearance?

Oh, darling, you couldn't afford me.

Damn it!

This poor kid can't catch a break.

Poor kid!

Well, look, you know...

I admire anyone

trying to change their life for the better, so...

...how about I stop by for five minutes free of charge?

You would do that?

- Oh... Your Ladyship. - Ohh.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- Hey, Frank? - Yeah?

What kind of music do you like?

Oldies but goodies.

Right, so what I'd do there is I would just, in one movement,

just snap that giraffe-like neck of yours like a dry twig.

- OK? - Yep.

Right, back to work.

Ah!

Ooh!

Ah! Ooh!

that's the sound of the men

on the chain gang

- Come on, Greg.

on the chain gang

the sound of the men

on the chain gang

They're off there workin'

on the chain gang

one of these days

Yes, I am

the girl I love so dear

- What on earth? - Wait!

Never open an unattended bag. "See it, say it, sorted."

Whatever.

Oh, my God!

Bloody hell!

Wow.

Christ.

Did you like the flowers I sent?

Hard to appreciate them fully

when I looked at them on my window sill

and saw my defaced car outside.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, come on, you know that's not me.

Sometimes it is.

Well, look, it's not how I want me to be.

Just give me another chance, Lara, please.

I'll... get anger management. Whatever. Anything you want.

It's not just your temper, Gabby.

I never know what mood you're gonna be in

from one moment to the next, it's exhausting.

Yeah, I... I imagine. I'm sorry.

I can't be your lifeboat.

Or your punch bag or whatever it is you need...

Lady Gabby? Are you Lady Gabby Penrose-Howe?

- Abso-bloody-lutely. - Omigod!

We love you! We both follow you on Instagram.

- Oh, thank you. - How's your festival going?

- You know, it's a lot of work. - I bet, yeah.

- Can we get a picture? - Oh, naturellement.

- Would you? - Naturellement.

- Thank you so much.

- We're massive fans. - Oh, thank you so much.

Well, listen, you guys have the perfect day.

- Thanks.

- Hmm... - What?

We're in the middle of a conversation.

What was I supposed to do? Tell them to fuck off?

Yes.

All right, fine, next time I will.

- What, you don't think I will? - No.

But it's not your fault. You're addicted.

- To what? - Approval.

From a million people you've never met.

Well, then take it, Lara. Take it!

Delete Instagram and Twitter, everything.

It'll just be me and you. I'm serious, Lara, I can change.

- It's too late, Gabby. - Don't fucking say that!

- I'm sor... - Hi.

Can my daughter have a photo too?

Absolutely...

In fact, no. Fuck off.

See, I can change. Why don't you believe me?

Because you say you're gonna do a lot of things

and you never see them through.

What about my festival? I'm gonna see that through.

- It's never gonna happen. - Fuck you! Yes, it is.

- I have to go. - Are you seeing someone else?

I'm not even cold in my grave yet!

- Bye, Gabby. - Fine. Fine. Go, go.

Fuck off. Fuck off!

Hi. Sorry about earlier. I just... Bad day.

Do you still want to do that picture?

Hey.

- What do you want? - What do you mean?

I don't you hanging around me no more.

Why not?

Ain't gotta give you reasons, little girl.

I ain't a little girl. Give me a chance, I'll prove it.

- Go home. - I want to be active.

I said, go home.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

Es, how would you feel about leaving Bristol?

And going where?

Anywhere in the world.

- What, Swindon? - No, anywhere.

Tokyo Fish Market.

Why would we go to Tokyo for fish?

There's a Morrisons round the corner.

It's just an example.

How you hoping to pay for this? Scratch cards?

I've got some money coming to me.

- From where? - So, what do think, Es? Hmm?

Maybe somewhere new. You know, starting again.

No, I want to stay in Bristol.

I don't need your permission.

Anywhere I go, you have to go too.

Well, once I'm 16, I'll just come back.

Look, Es, I'm... I'm not suggesting this to be a dick.

I want you to have chances in life. Options.

I pick the option where I do what I wanna do.

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

- I can make my own friends. - No, she can help you.

How? By getting you a life so you can stay out of mine?

- Helping you with your exams. - I ain't doing my exams.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

Well, if you wanna stay here, you're doing your exams.

Or we're both on the next flight to Tokyo Fish Market.

I'm taking Holly to her dad's, then I'm going to work.

Don't forget there's a cottage pie in the fridge

and your Grandpa is a lying snake. Bye. Love you.

Why do you keep saying that about Grandpa?

He's only ever nice about you. And he really cares about us.

No, Tom, the only thing your Grandpa cares about

is drinking and gambling and getting his end away.

What does 'getting his end away' mean?

That's what some adults do when they've got no moral compass.

Oh, OK.

- What's a moral compass? - I'll explain in the car.

Mum's gone. Where is it?

Oh, Frank.

- We're off now. - OK.

Are you sure you can't save me from the mouth that is Yamini?

- No... - Come, love!

I think I really need to study.

Oh.

I might actually go to the library in a bit.

OK. We won't be late.

There's some kottu in the fridge in case you get hungry.

- OK, thanks. Have a nice night. - Love you!

Bye.

- Rani.

Sorry. Sorry.

Rani, this is my sister, Esme.

Pleasure to meet you.

We really appreciate you doing this. Don't we, Es?

Oh, we're buzzing!

Shhh!

Don't shush me. I'm not one of your cats.

Sorry.

Cool. Alright, then I'll leave you to it.

- But you're not staying? - No, I can't. I gotta work.

- But I'll see you later. - OK.

- Thanks, again. - It's fine.

I thought we could go over some old exam papers.

Why are you here?

To help you prep for your exams.

So, you're wearing that top for me?

I mean, I'm flattered, but you're not really my type.

Why do you fancy my brother when he's such a waste man?

- I don't fancy your brother. - He's a moron.

That's why he's doing community service.

What's your excuse?

We're not here to talk about me.

We're here to talk about algebra.

- Tell me how you broke the law. - Do you want to study or not?

- Not. - OK, fine.

- I don't give a shit either. - Yes, you do.

You want to turn me into a genius

so my brother will fall in love with you.

No, I'm not doing that. I'm literally here...

- Are you still a virgin? - Fuck off!

Don't worry. I've got it.

Shhh!

Outrageous.

How about I ask you a maths question

and for everyone you get right, you can ask me a question?

Sound good?

My brother was right... you are clever.

I just love her so much, you know.

I mean, she's... she's caring and she...

she makes me laugh.

And she's just not interested in the money or the fame.

You know, she actually loves me for me.

But I get this rage sometimes,

and this... this anger and it's like I have to just...

...blow up anything that is good in my life.

I mean, who does that?

So, do you want to pay by cash or by card?

Thanks.

What are you doing?

That's not how you roll a joint. Give it to me.

- It's not her. It's not her.

Is she not here yet, then?

No, not yet. Fashionably late, of course.

- That is so her. - Isn't it?

Well, come in. Let me get you a drink.

Dear Mr. Dupont. your letter dated May 7th.

We await your response to the Plaintiff's statement of claim,

GRT4...

...864...

...point 1.

Are you paid by the hour or the word to type up this crap?

Whatever they're paying you in Singapore, it's not enough.

So sorry.

Every day I come back to my desk after lunch

and have a panic attack.

I just sit here and realise that I don't understand any of this.

And if you're thinking, "Well, why don't you quit then,

"you spineless, bog-eyed, beanpole wanker?"

I say, "And do what? Finance? Sales?

"I'd be worse at sales than I am at bloody law,

"and I'm pretty bloody shit at that, so that's a mad idea."

'Recording deleted.'

Dear Mr. Dupont. your letter dated May 7th.

We await your response to the Plaintiff's statement of...

I'm really trying to cut down on my screen time.

And I only want to follow influencers

who make me feel really good about myself.

- Me too.

Shhh!

Oh, no, it's just some old people.

- Yeah, come in. - Alright, Frank?

Is she even coming?

- Where's Lady Gabby? - She's coming.

...and you score 33 out of 60 on paper one,

and then 75 out of 100 on paper two.

What's your overall percentage score for the exam?

Sixty-seven and a half.

Very good, that is correct.

My question. Why do you steal stuff?

I don't know.

Not good enough. Must try harder.

My mum does not like me doing things

that take me away from studying, but when she was my age,

her family in Sri Lanka were...

...massacred.

So, I feel like I just can't get mad at her

when she says I can't go ice-skating on a school night.

I dunno, that frustration has to come out somewhere.

Your mum sounds like my brother. Always trying to run my life.

No, no, he just... he cares about you so much.

Do you know he called social services on our mum?

Had her parental rights taken away,

so I'm forced to live with him instead of my own mum?

That's not caring, that's psychopathic.

Did she do something?

No.

She's just sick.

Sick how?

Next question.

'Welcome to Gert Burger. What can I get you?'

What would you recommend for someone

whose girlfriend is a cheating whore?

'Uh... spicy mozzarella dippers?'

Yeah. Great.

And I'll get two Gert burgers and two large fries.

- Thanks. - 'Alright.'

Hi, friends. So, I learned something valuable today,

and I just wanted to take a minute to share it with you.

So, here it is.

Sometimes it's not what you do that counts,

it's what you don't do.

Now, I've talked to you guys before

about how I can react too emotionally to things,

and, you know what, I very nearly did the same today.

But then I remembered

"Suffering is resisting what is."

- Move!

Now, if you can accept what is,

you can relinquish anxiety and anger.

And just remember, peeps,

you can't fix yourself by breaking someone else.

- What is your fucking problem?

Can't you just wait for five seconds?

- Oh, you piece of shit!

Middle-aged wanker!

- We can't keep it. - Why?

I'm calling the police.

You think those corrupt sons of bitches

are not gonna keep it for themselves?

- It's not our money. - We found it.

We're entitled to it.

Sorry, are you citing the legal precedent

'finders keepers losers weepers'?

We don't know whose money it is.

It could be some old-aged pensioner's life savings.

Yes, cos us pensioners always keep our life savings

in the ceiling of a derelict building.

No, what if this is from a bank robbery?

Then it's insured. No one suffers.

- What if it's drug money? - We didn't sell drugs.

No, but it came from ruining lives in my community.

Then use your cut to set up a needle exchange

or a methadone clinic.

- Yeah. - You're not considering that?

Drug addiction is a major disease.

Penis cancer is a major disease!

Drug addiction's a lifestyle choice.

Lifestyle choice?

No one's selling their body for heroin

because they saw it on the cover of Grazia.

Listen, even if we could justify keeping this,

which we can't, OK?

And even though we patched up the ceiling,

whoever hid it there in the first place,

they're gonna come looking for it.

And he's gonna have a name like Joey Pliers or Eddie Machete.

OK, so, no thank you. I'm calling the police.

Is one third of that enough to keep the lights on

in your factory?

You've got workers depending on you

to feed and clothe their kids.

Do you think they care where their pay packet comes from?

It doesn't justify keeping it.

How old are you? Forty-five?

When your business goes under, are you getting another job?

Are you gonna re-train? No.

You're gonna be my age, stacking shelves down Tesco!

'Hello, emergency services. Which service do you require?

- 'Hello?'

Oh, god, OK. I need to think about this.

- Me too. - Fine.

You two brain it around, I'll hide the loot here until...

No, no!

Yeah, how do we know that you're not on the next flight

to the Costa Del Sol?

Cos here...

- Oh. - Oh...

Shit. Now we're gonna have to kill them.

- What did you say? - Frank.

- I'm kidding. - Funny man.

Yeah?

I'm D.S. Selforth, this is D.S. Haines.

We need to ask you a few questions.

About what?

About the masked gunmen seen running from this house.

You get one phone call. Who do you want to call?

You don't have someone to call?

No.

Hang on.

Alright, mate.

Journo, from the Mail.

Sent me down because that Lady Gabby Penrose-Howe

is in again, apparently.

That so?

Come on, chief. Is she in there or...?

Sorry, mate.

Your pictures, my words, huh?

Yeah. Alright.

She's in there.

Also, I heard, um... I heard there was a copper in there

who takes bribes, you know.

- What's his name again? - Bennett. Desk Sergeant.

Desk Sergeant Bennett. Yeah, yeah.

What's his rate again?

Hundred quid for the details, extra hundred for the access.

Cheers, m'dears.

Hello.

I'm Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe's solicitor.

- I believe you're holding her. - Yeah, that's right.

I want all the charges dropped and her taken out the back way

so that pap doesn't get her.

No chance, mate.

'I heard there was a copper in there who takes bribes.

- 'What's his name again?' - 'Bennett. Desk Sergeant.'

'Desk Sergeant Bennett. Yeah, yeah.

'What's his rate again?'

'Hundred quid for the details, extra hundred for the access.'

'Cheers, m'dears.'

No chance?

You won't believe it, mate.

She tunnelled her way out with a cocaine spoon.

She's halfway to Chipping Norton!

Are you alright?

No. I'm pathetic and lonely.

Please, no one's more pathetic and lonely than me.

I live in a flat paid for by my dad which he never visits.

I live in a flat for divorcees where they make you pay

six months up front in case you hang yourself.

I depend on likes from people I don't even know

for any kind of self-worth.

My wife walked out cos she said that living with me

was like being trapped down a well.

When I was arrested, the only person I had to call was you.

You win. That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

And I've heard some pathetic things.

What were you in for this time?

Oh, God, I, um...

I smashed up a man's car because by reversing into it.

No way, I did the same to a police car.

- What, seriously? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha-ha!

Well, then we're car vandal buddies.

Car vandal buddies, yeah. Forever.

- Boom. - Boom.

You know what makes me feel better

if I've had a bad day is, uh... junk food.

- There's a drive-thru near... - Definitely not.

No? OK.

Well, what would cheer you up?

...take a deep breath.

Hey.

Hi!

How'd it go?

Yeah. Good.

As you said, your sister's a really clever young woman.

What do you think, Es?

I think that you're such an idiot

that to stop me from ruining my future,

you got me a tutor who's ruining her future.

Great find, bro.

But she still did a pretty good job so...

I'd study with her again.

- Thanks again. - Pleasure.

You think she has a chance of passing?

With a few more sessions, yeah, I think so.

Cool. That's good to know.

Do you want to go for a coffee?

I... can't. It's getting late. I've gotta...

Oh, no, yeah, sorry. It is late.

Coffee now would be madness. We'd never get to sleep.

- In our separate beds. - Yeah.

Alright, well, I'll see you at C.S.

- Yeah... - Yeah.

By the way, I like your necklace.

Thanks. I stole it from Pandora.

That's for being a liar and wasting everybody's time.

Mum's right. You are a lying, two-faced snake.

- Pizza delivery! - Who ordered pizza?

- Hi, friends. - Ooh! Oh, look!

Who wants free pizza?

It's not strictly free. I did pay for it.

Alright, then! Go on, then!

Tommy! Hi, handsome!

Mm... Long time no see, darling.

I am so sorry I'm late. What have I missed?

Not much. Uh...

Can I introduce you to some people?

Oh, naturellement.

This is, uh... Beth and Cassie.

It's a pleasure to meet you, ladies.

Hi.

Do you mind if they take a picture with you?

Abso-bloody-lutely. Come on.

Here. Let's give that to someone else. You...

Now, tell me, does this party have a hashtag yet?

Anyone want any pizza? Cost me a bloody fortune.

Ah, get involved, mate.

Ah, she's just getting home. I'm gonna call her.

Alright.

- Hello? - 'Hi!

'We're on our way home. Are you back yet?'

Aren't you checking on the app?

- 'No, of course not, love.' - Well, I'm home.

I'm just walking through the door... now.

'Hey, what did you study at the library?'

Unit vectors, again.

'I bet that was more interesting

'than spending an evening with Yamini.

'Her story about doing the half marathon in under three hours

'somehow took over four hours.

'She's just jealous that you are going to Oxford

'and her daughter dropped out of catering college.

- 'She flunked custard.' - Classic Yamini.

'I know. Listen, we'll be home in five minutes. OK?

- 'We'll see you soon.' - OK.

- 'Love you. Bye.' - See you. Bye.

Hey, do you want to go outside?

Yes, you do. Go on.

She's the one who is not happy with plastic fittings.

Oh, for goodness sake.

But she doesn't want to pay for the metal ones.

- Exactly right. - What does she expect?

Do not struggle! Shut the fuck up!

Now, I'm gonna take my hand away.

If you scream, I'll slit your throat

and anyone who walks in that door.

- Got it? - Mm-hm.

Do you recognise this van?

Do you recognise the van?

How many fucking times do I gotta say it?

It's my dad's. My dad's van.

'Well, the driver of this van helped someone steal from us.'

- Was it your dad? - No.

So why was your dad's van in Lawrence Hill on Sunday night?

- Are you deaf? - I...

It was... it was stolen about a-a-a week ago.

- It was stolen by who? - I don't know.

- Who was the van stolen by? - We reported it to the police

and they haven't got back to us. We don't know!

- We don't know who stole it. - Are you lying?

I'm not lying. I'm not lying.

'Cos you know, if you're lying, I'll kill you

'and your whole family.'

And I'll bury you myself.

- Hiya. Have a good night? - Yes.

Have you eaten? I brought you some leftovers.

I don't have much of an appetite. But thank you.

- Oh. - Hm. OK.

- OK. - Suit yourself.

- Coffee, please. - OK. Coming now.

Oi!

He wants to talk to you.

Hello.

'I get this all the time with ambitious people.

'They forget who they were before I came into their lives.

'Do you remember who you were? A fucking nobody.

'A scared little child.

'You wanted respect, I gave you status.'

You needed money, I taught you a trade.

And now this is the loyalty I get?

Whoa. Chill out. What happened?

'My West Country line gets jacked.'

Thief knows exactly where to find it.

And you're saying you didn't take it?

- Or the bag? - 'What bag?'

The bag on its way from your in-bred part of the world,

with six months of my fucking earnings.

What?

"Good morning, Pinocchio," said the Fox,

greeting him courteously.

"How do you know my name?" asked the Marionette.

'"I know your father well.

'"I saw him yesterday standing at the door of his house."

'"And what was he doing?"

'"He was in his shirt sleeves trembling with cold.

'"But after today, God willing, he will suffer no longer.

'"Because I have become a rich man."'

"And may I ask," inquired the Fox,

"what you are going to do with all that money?"

Guaranteed peace of mind is what you promised me,

well, I don't feel too fucking peaceful!

'I tax you less and you stop shit like this from happening.

'That was our deal.

'So, I suggest you find my money and whoever took it.'

Because now I have to kill either them or you,

just to make a fucking point.

You have no moral compass.

...right, and immediately just chunders all down himself.

- Disgraceful!

What?