Original subtitles

All right, Miss Smarty-Pants.

Now, let's see if you've heard this one.

I'm ready. Hit me with your best.

In the 1945 film To Have and Have Not,

Lauren Bacall sang the song, "How Little We Know."

Now, her voice was dubbed by what 14-year-old?

Andy Williams.

Oh, how did you know that?

Do you remember the dinner party

the Cornfields gave for you back in 1952?

You'd just completed filming The Dueling Swashbuckler.

It was December the 12th, 1952.

You're right, darling. You're absolutely right.

Still sharp as a tack, huh?

I met a young singer at the Cornfields' that night,

and he told me all about Andy Williams

dubbing Lauren Bacall's voice.

Amazing. You never forget anything, do you?

By the way, whatever became of the Cornfields?

They died, dear.

Oh.

Well, "the long habit of living indisposeth us for dying."

Sir Thomas Browne.

Smarty-pants.

Look, Guy, there's a town up ahead.

Mesa? I don't remember seeing a "Mesa" on the map.

Sometimes, it's good to get out of the big city,

go somewhere where time seems to move just a little slower.

Take this vintage '59 Cadillac.

It was built for cruising the road

and taking in the scenery.

It's nice to know chivalry's not dead.

Now, most people come to small towns

and leave their troubles behind,

but when you're a member of the syndicate,

that isn't always easy.

I guess that's why Tony Sullivan asked me to meet him here.

Something big had to be going down.

Hey, Tony.

Hey, MacGyver. I owe you one.

When you say in the middle of nowhere,

you mean nowhere, don't you?

A guy's got to be careful these days.

Good motto. I'll be right down.

Hey, Tony, come here.

I want to have a little talk with you.

Let's get out of here.

Tony and I met years ago, when he was running guns

into Afghanistan and I was running for my life.

In a one-week period, he saved my neck twice.

I'd kind of hoped to return the favor.

MacGyver, if you never had a chance to talk to him,

I don't know what more you can do there.

Wrap it up. Come on home.

Listen, Pete, Tony asked me

for protection for a reason, and it had to be pretty good,

'cause it got him killed.

Yeah, I agree, but you were involved in this

because you were the only guy Tony would talk to,

and he's dead now,

so it's the feds' ball game.

Listen, are the local police into it at all?

Yeah. I just spent the whole afternoon explaining things.

It's handled.

I just wish there was more I could do.

Well, there isn't. You're out of it.

The Phoenix Foundation is out of it, too.

Listen, I feel badly about Tony,

but he knew the risks he was taking

when he was dealing with the mob.

Sort of made his own bed.

Yeah. Now he gets to sleep in it... forever.

I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good trip.

My good sir, have you no respect?

Kindly remove that bottle from my car.

Keep your pants on.

What's your problem, pal?

Do you know who I am?

Guy Roberts, star of stage and screen,

swashbuckler extraordinaire!

Now, I have battled with the best of them --

Flynn, Fairbanks, Pickford!

Touch me, and I'll make mashed potatoes out of your face.

Folks got a problem?

This nasty lummox refused to remove his beer from my car.

I tried to ask nicely, but see what I got for it?

You, sir, are a disgusting behemoth

with foul-smelling breath!

Boys, boys! There's got to be a better way to handle this.

Do you want in on this, too, pal?

- If I had my druthers... - You don't!

Most of us are adults here! Can't we talk about... No!

Don't hit.

Just calm down. Take it easy.

All right, all right, look. If this is the way it's got to be,

at least let me get rid of my jacket, huh?

It's my favorite.

I don't want to see it ruined.

It's your favorite jacket, huh?

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

That darn jacket's always tripping people up like that.

I've been meaning to have a talk with it.

Here you go.

What do you say we get you checked in and cleaned up, all right?

Yeah, there you go.

I'll talk to you later. What do you say?

Shoo.

Thank you, young man.

I couldn't have done it without you.

- Yes, thank you. - No problem.

- Do you have a name? - MacGyver.

You know, of course, that I'm...

Guy Roberts, star of stage and screen,

swashbuckler extraordinaire.

He knows who I am.

You've perhaps seen some of my pictures?

Well, not exactly...

You'll be happy to hear that we're about to make another one.

We're just on our way to Hollywood.

Darling, don't you think we'd better be heading in?

It's been a long day.

Oh, yes, darling, of course. Uh, I am rather tired.

Dueling does take it out of you, you know.

Well, "parting is such sweet sorrow."

Guy...

Yes, dear. Goodbye, Mr. MacGyver.

We'll see you, folks.

We didn't want to shoot him. We had to.

Shut up. Just let me think.

I knew the two of you weren't particularly bright,

but I didn't know just how stupid you were.

- We did the best we could. - It wasn't good enough.

The guy pulled a gun on us.

He never should've gotten away in the first place.

Come on. Who was to know Tony was going to turn informant?

Phil, you were the one who brought him to me.

You were the one who vouched for him.

I made a mistake. It happens.

Not with me, it doesn't.

Did you at least have the intelligence to stash the car?

Yeah. We found a garage just outside of town.

Hooray. Hooray. You did something right.

Now do something else right -- find the satchel.

It could be anywhere.

Let me explain something.

I'm kind of like a traveling salesman,

but now, because of you two slime balls,

I have no merchandise to sell.

This isn't going to make my supplier a very happy man,

and I promise you he won't be satisfied with just my head.

He's also going to want yours.

Find my money.

I'll just put the top up.

Oh, will you bring in my makeup case?

Certainly, dear.

She is a beauty, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

Well, you come in when you're ready. I'll leave the door unlocked.

Darling, my makeup case.

Just a minute, dear.

Sorry, Mr. Roberts.

You're over your limit on this card, too.

Very well.

Uh, afraid not.

My good man, I am Guy Roberts.

Time was when that name alone was sufficient

to guarantee a night's lodging and a hot meal.

Sorry, friend. I've got other people waiting.

Look, uh, there-there must be some mistake.

Our credit's always been good.

I'm sure you're right, ma'am,

but it's company policy.

You do accept cash,

do you not?

Of course.

I think you'll find that this is more than sufficient,

and here's a little extra for your hospitality.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

"If there is any kindness I can show to any creature,

let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again."

Rental cars...

a lot like playin' hot potato.

And I got burned by an overheated air conditioner.

Fortunately, even if you are in the middle of nowhere

a fuse is an easy thing to duplicate.

All you need is something that'll carry a current...

like a paper clip.

Here's your change, sir.

Where'd you get these new twenties?

Hey, I can't remember everybody who pays with $20...

Now can you remember?

The old man, the actor.

Actor got a name?

Guy, Guy Roberts.

What kind of car is he driving?

I, I... oh, an old Caddy convertible.

He's headed for Hollywood.

If you mention this discussion to anyone,

I'll be back for my change.

Oh!

A paper clip can be a wondrous thing.

More times than I can remember one of these

has gotten me out of a tight spot.

I was sure this would be another one of those times.

So much for the wondrous paper clip.

Why didn't you tell me about the money?

I was saving it as a surprise.

Actually, it's supposed to be our nest egg.

And look how I've broken it wide open.

But I didn't know we had that kind of money.

We don't.

Uh, we didn't until my agent came through.

The studio is so excited about this project

that they've paid me a bonus up front.

It's just advance money.

Oh, Guy, I have to tell you,

when you first told me about this job in Hollywood,

I was sure it was just another one of your stories.

Just an excuse to take me on this trip.

Would that have been so wrong?

Oh, how could I ever have doubted you?

Will you forgive me?

What's to forgive?

Isn't that that nice young man we met at the motel, dear?

Yes. It looks as if he's in need of assistance.

- Howdy, folks. - Having a spot of trouble?

Yeah, the electrical system seems to be shot.

Hop in. We've got plenty of room.

I'd sure appreciate that.

Not at all. Think nothing of it.

One good turn deserves another.

I owe you one from yesterday.

Oh, uh, uh... try, try not to bring

any of the sand into the car, please.

If you don't mind.

Thank you.

Your name is, uh...

What was your name again, young man?

MacGyver.

Where are you headed?

Albuquerque airport.

Oh, we're passing right through

on our way to Hollywood.

Guy's going to be in a new picture.

Oh, that's terrific. What's it called?

Space Pirates.

It's supposed to be really, uh... groovy.

Space Pirates?

Well, that's just a working title, dear.

They'll probably change it.

Hollywood producers are always changing things

right up to the last minute.

How do you know they took this road?

Because this is the road to Hollywood.

And that's where the clerk said they were headed.

Yeah, but they got a head start on us.

Old man, old car.

I bet he's takin' it nice and easy.

Beautiful country, isn't it?

God's country.

I made a picture, Geronimo's Last Ride.

Oh, yeah, I think I saw you in that.

Didn't you play Geronimo?

No, that was Thurston Powell.

I was with the cavalry.

But it must have been filmed somewhere around here.

It was Arizona, dear.

"All the world's a stage.

And all its men and women merely players."

Yes, Arizona.

What about you?

What brings you out to the middle of nowhere?

Sightseeing.

Hey, looks like we found our '59 Caddy.

I wish we could go sightseeing...

...but shooting schedules being what they are...

Do you believe that?

Open road.

No other cars in sight.

And this ruddy idiot would rather sound off

than go around me.

Pull over!

Someone you know?

Not really.

Force 'em over.

Nobody, but nobody, touches my car and gets away with it.

And I know this baby can outrun them.

- Must be nuts! - Stay with 'em.

Pull up alongside.

Hit 'em again.

Maybe this'll scare him a little.

Pull over!

He's got a gun!

Try to pull out in front.

Floor it!

I'm going as fast as I can.

Guy, pull over. He's crazy as a loon.

No! Whatever you do, don't stop!

They're getting so much closer.

Mr. MacGyver, your luggage.

We've got to put a little distance between us.

May I?

- Well, yes, of course. Anything. - Thank you.

Good shot!

- He's gettin' away! - Get back on the road!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Move it! Move it!

Here they come again.

That's, that's it. Keep it comin'!

What could those men possibly want?

I don't think I wanna know.

Do something!

I'm running out of ammo.

This satchel's all we've got left.

No! No! Not that. I need that one.

This reminds me of The Great Pursuit.

But your stuntman did all the driving in that.

This isn't a movie.

They're using real bullets.

Faster, Guy!

Watch where you're goin'!

- Well, why are we slowin' down? - Something's stuck on the wheel.

- What is it? - I don't know!

Stop the car and have a look!

It's that canvas thing he threw at us.

Get it off!

I'm trying.

No, no! Just back up! Back up the car!

Hit the brake! Now go forward!

- It did it! - That's right. Let's go!

- What now? - Just keep moving.

What're you doing?

Gonna put the top up.

If you put the top up while I'm driving, it'll rip right off.

I sure hope so.

But I got a few things to do first.

Would you please tell me what you're doing.

I'll explain later.

Just bear with me.

Not the top!

Sorry, I'll fix it later.

Slow it down. Let 'em get right behind us.

Have you lost your head, old boy?

I'm hopin' this top will keep that from happening.

All right, slow down, Guy.

Slow it down!

Let 'em catch up.

Get ready to flip the switch.

Put the top up when I give you the word.

Now!

- Look out! - I can't see anything!

It worked! They're stopping!

Okay, floor it, Guy. We need the distance.

Get it off! Get it off!

Unbelievable.

What're you waitin' for? Get that jack and fix the tire.

Good show!

Bravo, MacGyver!

This reminds me of one of my favorite roles.

I played the swashbuckler on Holiday in Ruritania.

It wasn't Ruritania, dear. It was Colorado.

I remember.

It was you and Stewart Granger in The Prisoner of Zenda.

No, that was James Mason.

I starred in Mulligan's Revenge.

Oh, yeah... Mulligan's Revenge.

Would you get off my back?

I'm workin' as fast as I can.

My mother could change a tire faster than this.

Uh-oh, looks like trouble.

- What is it, Guy? - I'm not sure.

- Sounds like we're out of gas. - Impossible.

I just filled her up this morning.

Well, I hope it's nothin' serious.

There's no tellin' how long before those goons get back on the road.

Keep an eye on 'em.

Let me know if they make a move.

I'll see what the problem is.

Well, isn't that nice?

They stopped to wait for us.

- I'll get 'em. - Hey, good idea, Phil.

By the time you're halfway there, we'll have this tire fixed.

Get your butt back here and help Tom.

I found it.

Fuel line's cracked.

What next?

She just wasn't meant to take this sort of abuse.

Well, look at her.

Her body's battered, her spirit's broken.

Yes, but, Guy, she's held up like a champion.

I just don't know how much more she can take.

I feel the same way about my Jeep, Mr. Roberts.

It's a good thing metal can be fixed

a lot easier than flesh, huh?

Yes.

Listen, would you have a ball point pen I could borrow?

Sure. Who would you like me to make it out to?

Well, actually...

Uh, MacGyver. Just MacGyver.

Well, don't be embarrassed.

I get this all the time, you know.

There you are.

Thank you, sir.

Thanks, MacGyver.

Guy?

Could I borrow that pen again?

I might be able to fix the fuel line with it.

Sure.

Thank you.

And thank you.

If you don't mind my asking, how is

that pen going to solve our gasoline problem?

I'm gonna use it to bridge the fuel line and seal the leak.

What's happenin' with our friends down below?

Well, it's very hard to tell.

They don't appear to be moving yet.

MacGyver, about those fellows who were shooting at us just now.

Uh, yeah.

I guess I owe you both an explanation.

You do?

Yeah. See, I work for a company

called the Phoenix Foundation.

And I was sent here to pick something up.

I don't think those fellows down there want me to have it.

What were you supposed to pick up?

I'm not sure. I never had a chance to find out.

I sure am sorry to get you folks involved like this.

Oh, that's all right, boy. We're all in this together.

I said that in Dance of the Sword.

Or was it Duel to the Death?

You said that in both those movies, dear.

That's right.

What on earth is he doing now?

No idea.

What are you doing?

I gotta borrow this.

- My muffler? - I'll replace it.

Now all we gotta do is cool this baby off.

You wouldn't have any water left in that cooler, would you?

I'll look.

Lord, man, what are you up to now?

Just a little protection, sir.

Do you suppose there'll be anything left of the car when he's done?

I'm sure Mr. MacGyver knows what he's doing, dear.

Water, please.

My.

I'll buy you another one.

Come on, hurry up.

They're going to get the Caddy fixed before we get outta here.

Hold that, would you please?

Gasoline?

All right, let's move it.

They're not going to sit up there and wait for us all day.

They're coming.

Looks like their pit crew was a little faster than ours.

Time to go, kids.

Go, Guy!

How's it going back there, lad?

Keep your eyes on the road.

Wha...?

What?

Oh, no.

Not... Not my seats.

Don't worry, I know a guy who's great with seats.

- Where are you going? - Where do you think I'm going?

Stop. Stop!

They went the other way. Now back up.

Come on, come on, come on. Move it.

Mrs. Roberts, could you pass me that gasoline, please?

I beg your pardon?

Gasoline.

Tearing the stuffing out of the Caddy was easy.

Using it to stop the guys chasing us was another matter.

Gasoline would help.

Always does when you need an explosion.

Since I bent the back of the tailpipe,

the explosion only had one way to go --

out --

and it was going to take Guy's steering wheel knob right along with it.

Sort of a homemade mortar.

Step on it. We gotta get closer to them.

Are you creating another obstacle for them?

Yep, that's the idea.

Duck!

Next time keep the car steady.

Push in the cigarette lighter.

Now all I need is this fuse.

The cigarette lighter ready?

Now what?

Touch it to the fuse and pray this works.

What's he doing?

He's aiming something at us.

It worked.

Slow it down! No, no!

Phil, what are you doing?!

Phil, slow it... slow it...!

We got 'em.

To the victor belongs the spoils.

Hallelujah.

Is everybody all right?

Yeah, yeah, just check the car.

Hey, what was that thing?

- I don't know, some sort of cannon. - Where'd he get it?

"What was it? Where'd he get it?" What difference does it make?

The radiator's shot, we're out a set of wheels.

- So now what do we do? - We do what we started out to do.

Nothing's changed. I want that money.

- You mean we're going to walk? - Exactly.

They have to stop sometime, and when they do, I want be there.

Let's go.

Oh, my, listen to the engine.

I'm afraid it's serious.

Now the oil light is on.

I'm not sure, but I'd say she's had it.

MacGyver,

I think this is what they're after.

Is this all yours?

Well, uh, why, yes,

insofar as it's in my possession.

- You see... - There is no job, is there?

It is not my money. I found it in the car.

What?

Project, Guy.

Those of us in the back row would like to hear as well.

It is not my money.

I found it in the car.

And how did it get in the car?

I don't know.

- Oh, you don't know? - No, I don't.

But you thought you'd keep it anyway.

No.

Uh, excuse me, folks, but I don't think we've got...

No? Then why is it even in the car?

Why did you use it to pay the motel bill, Guy? Why?

Because I'm tired of being treated like an old fool.

I'm tired of being a failure.

I'm tired of the way you had to live because of it.

I just wanted to make you happy.

Happy?

Happy that my husband is a thief?

Happy that you lied to me?

Happy to have a carload of hooligans shoot at us

and nearly run us off the road?

Do I look happy to you?

"Age cannot wither her,

nor custom stale her infinite variety."

Antony and Cleopatra. Act Two, Scene Two.

Uh, Mrs. Roberts?

If it helps any,

this is probably more my fault than Guy's.

Unless I miss my guess, this money was meant for me.

- June... - You be quiet.

You've gotten us into enough trouble already.

Look, if we leave the money here,

will they leave us alone?

They don't strike me as the type

to let bygones be bygones, ma'am.

I think we're going to have to keep on moving.

Where do you suggest we move to?

I'm afraid the old girl hasn't got it in her

to carry us any further.

Guy, what does that look like to you down there?

A deserted town perhaps.

It probably is.

But at least we won't be out in the open any longer.

Come on, hop in.

- Got it in neutral? - Yes.

I'm hot, I'm tired, and I'm thirsty.

- How long we gonna keep this up? - Hey, can it, would you?

I'm sick of hearing you complain.

Yeah? Well, I'm sick of you wasting our time, man.

When are you going to get it?

They got away. They're not going to stop,

and we're not going to get that money back.

Hey. You're wrong.

We're not giving up.

Now you start moving.

- How long? - Yeah.

Now how long are we just going to keep walking like this?

You can walk now or you can run for the rest of your life

because that's what you're going to have to do

to stay alive if we don't get that money back.

What?

Oil.

Fresh oil.

Big deal.

It is a big deal.

If their car's leaking this much oil,

it's not going to take them much farther.

We got 'em.

If I can get us on a good roll down this hill,

we can coast all the way to that town.

This is humiliating.

I've never driven this car so slowly before in my life.

MacGyver, do you think those nasty men will follow us here?

Well, this seems to be the only town around.

We'll just have to be ready for 'em in case they do.

I do hope we've seen the last of them.

My feet are killing me.

Shut up!

Well, this is where the hill runs out.

Welcome to Main Street.

What a place to be stranded --

a deserted town, miles from civilization,

hotter than Hades.

Oh, what I'd give for a nice, tall drink of ice water.

It'll be cooler in the shade.

Why don't you stop the car under this tree?

What a good idea.

I'm not so sure we want to leave the car out in the open, Guy.

Let's put her behind that shed.

It should be less obvious there,

just in case our friends manage to find a ride into town.

I think we got 'em. Come on.

Oh...

Well, now what?

Well, this much money never seemed real to me.

Well, it's real now, Guy.

Maybe not. Can I see one of those?

Why was it so important for Tony to give me this money?

Paper's good.

Ink's all right.

- Can I see some more? - Mm, sure.

I think we're dealing with counterfeiters.

All the serial numbers on these bills are the same.

No wonder they're so anxious to get their hands on the money.

They're not going to give up until they have it, are they?

We're not about to give up, either, ma'am.

I got a plan.

Guy, I want you to pull the horn out of your car.

I think I can put it to good use.

The town should be just around this bend,

and then we'll have 'em... and the money.

What makes you think they're going to be there?

Dead car, senior citizens.

Where else would they go?

I knew it was only a matter of time

before those guys paid us a visit,

and I didn't exactly want to throw out a welcome mat,

so as soon as I got the car horn,

I'd be able to put the finishing touches

on a doorbell with a rather piercing ring.

To do that, I needed some wire and two metal contact points --

the front door handle and the horseshoe.

Connect 'em both to this battery,

and I should have a proper greeting.

We got 'em now.

June, I...

Oh, Guy, I'm so disappointed in you.

Here's the horn you asked for.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, MacGyver, what have I done?

Was it worth it to tarry her up like this?

I think it'd be best you didn't think about it, sir.

But I can guarantee you,

when this is all over,

she'll be back just the way you remember her.

Oh, you're a good chap,

but I'm afraid it's not quite as simple as that.

I've never seen her like this before.

Well, you probably never quite put her through anything like this before.

Perhaps not... but that's hollow consolation.

Yeah, I know she may not look like much now...

Not look like much?

I'll have you know that she looks as good now

as the day I married her.

Married?

You're talking about June.

Well, yes, of course. June.

Who else would I be talking about?

Uh...

I'd give anything to get her to talk to me again.

What are you up to now?

Well, a good relationship is a lot like a car.

If you want it to work smoothly,

you got to put a lot of work into it...

and have the right tools.

Flowers make a pretty good tool for that kind of job.

Now it's up to you to do the work.

MacGyver, thank you.

June...

I'd like to say I'm sorry...

for everything --

for taking you away from Hollywood,

from your friends, from your career;

for having to put up with my insufferable pride

and intolerable ego.

Guy Roberts,

do you honestly believe you could

make me do anything I didn't want to do?

I've spent my life with you because I've wanted to,

because I love you.

Oh, Guy.

"Doubt that the stars are fire,

"Doubt that the sun doth move,

"Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt my love."

They're beautiful.

I think they're beautiful, too.

Why don't you folks just get up and join me outside?

Sounds like my boys found your car.

All right, old man, where's the money?

In the front.

Go get it.

When you've got the money, you will leave us alone, won't you?

Sure, lady, just as soon as...

En garde!

Guy, watch out!

Whoa...

My hero!

Hey, I got it!

Guy Roberts from The Late Show,

Rampage of the Round Table, Night of a Thousand Days.

That Guy Roberts?

Yes, that's it.

That's it precisely.

That Guy Roberts.

You know, he actually knows me.

Somebody... actually remembers.

Oh, Hollywood has changed so much.

This used to be the Club Oasis.

Mm, everybody used to come here.

Now it's just an old body shop.

Aw, come on, now, kids,

there's still a little bit of Hollywood magic left here.

Pete!

Showtime.

Voilà!

Oh, Guy, she's beautiful.

It's unbelievable.

I told you it could be fixed.

Well, it looks like your bonus is appreciated...

and well deserved, too.

You stopped the boys with the funny money

from saturating the entire West Coast with it.

Got the plates, too.

- Well, good. - A-ha!

What?

A scratch.

Thread.