Original subtitles

Wait. Where's Andre? Where's my sweet boy?

Yeah. Don't you worry,

because I found him.

All right. I'm sorry.

I made an oopsie-daisy. I got captured.

I thought I heard your voice

but it wasn't your voice, it was his voice.

I'm the worst sidekick in the world.

Hey, hey, shut up.

- I'm gonna shut up. - Shut up.

I'm gonna shut up.

You hurt one hair on my son's head,

I swear to God, motherfucker,

I will split you from chin to balls.

Who the fuck are you?

That's my mom. I love you, mom.

If I die, I'll love you in heaven.

What the hell is your mama doing here, boy?

I'm here for moral support. And I love him.

I love you, Mom.

But I will fuck you up. Try me!

- Mom. - I love you.

How come y'all don't have no guns?

Because we're not here to kill anybody, Doug.

No? Oh, is that right? Then where is Mr. 206 at?

He's making breakfast.

This is a fucking joke to you.

It's a fucking joke to you.

Shut your ass up. What you crying for?

It's like I'm feeling your sadness.

That man was my mentor. He was my muse. My rock.

And in 2003, for a brief period,

while I was confused about my sexuality,

- he was my lover. - Okay.

- Sounds like a very special-- - Shut your ass up.

- I don't buy it. - Hey, hey, hey,

listen to me, Doug, we are sorry for your loss, man.

- So sorry. This is-- - We're sorry.

Oh. Oh, you're sorry, huh? Hmm?

See, y'all a bunch of brainiacs.

I thought I had all you dead and that--

the goddamn business officers that did.

All right, Doug. Doug, listen to me.

Don't you hurt him, man. You hear me? Don't hurt him.

Okay. You care all of a sudden? Hmm?

All of a sudden you got a fucking heart, tin man?

You don't care about nothing.

This man ain't nothing but an employee of yours,

which means he's disposable, ain't that right? Hmm?

That's not true.

That man is the complete opposite of that.

Andre is 34 years old.

Thirty-five.

He's left-handed.

Right-handed.

- Afraid of scorpions. - I love scorpions.

He won sixth grade spelling bee.

I got fourth place.

He memorized every single line of House Party,

- both Kid's and Play's. - You did that.

I did do that. That is me.

Andre is the one man that I cannot live without.

I'm with you ride or die.

Although I was hoping for a little bit more ride

and little as die.

I think we're gonna die really soon.

- Enough. Enough. - Enough.

- Hey, Doug. - Enough. I'm gonna shut up.

Now stop it. You don't even want him, man.

You want me. I'm the one that messed up.

I'm the one that threw you out, like, Tuesday's trash

and left you on the side of the goddamn curb.

Without the blink of an eye, I did that.

You want me, not him.

So let him go. Let him go and take me.

That's what you want? You want me to let him go? Hmm?

- Say it. Say it again. - I want you to let him go.

- Mama, how about you? - Please let him go.

- Let him go, huh? - Please let me go.

- That would be-- - You want me to let you go?

Please, Doug, that'd be so nice.

Everybody telling me to let you go.

- Please. - I should just let you go.

Mom, I'mma let him go.

- Thank you.

Make sure you watch. Huh? You watching?

- Thank you. - Get your ass--

- Shit. - Oh, no.

Oh, my, he let go. He literally let go.

Yeah, I let him go good.

Doug, this ends now.

Oh, well, that's okay with me, Little Boots.

Then let's do it the hard way... motherfucker.

I got your ass.

Honey, oh, oh. My baby's alive.

- He's alive. - He's fine.

- I'm okay. - No, you're okay.

I'm fine. I'm fine. The table actually broke my fall.

Here, see, we have a-- that was--

that was a dare drop I never got to do in the woods.

That was my tribute to you, Kevin.

Okay. Come on. Let's get you up.

- Easy. Yup. Yup.

It's okay. Take it easy.

Okay. We got to give him-- Oh, my God.

- What happened? What's going on? - Nothing.

- A tiny, tiny... - Nothing is good.

...break in the table, just...

- Where is it? What part of it? - No, no.

What's wrong? What? What? No. No. No. No.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Don't touch it. It's nothing-- it's nothing crazy.

- It's a little spoon. It's fine. - Get the tweezers.

- Let's get it out. - Look, it's my toothpick.

- I'll get my tweezers. - Why are you holding me back?

- No, no, no, no. - I should've--

- Stop fiddling with it. - Okay. Stop it.

- Come on. - Let's go get him to hospital.

It's a tiny spoon.

It feels-- it feels like something's in my kidney, right?

- No. - When I walk, I just--

- He's awake. Come on.

Okay. Jesus.

What the hell is that?

Oh, I installed customizable lights in here,

but you never had time to learn how to use them.

All them years, I was your stuntman, Kevin.

Get him to the hospital, Mom. Jordan, come with me.

- Okay. Be careful. - I'm--

Come on, honey, help me out.

See, Kevin, it wasn't just taking falls

and getting kicked in the face,

and getting set on fire.

Uh-uh. That's not all I was doing to make him look good.

You remember Justice Squad Part Two?

You decide to gain 30 pounds for the part?

That meant that I had to gain 30 pounds, too, Kevin.

I'm a prediabetic, you selfish fuck.

- I almost put myself in a coma. - Okay. Hey, hey, Doug.

Easy. All right?

I'm sorry, man, I made a mistake.

Shut your ass up.

Mom, no. Mom, no. Mom, no. I can't-- Mom, I can't leave.

No, I'm not gonna let you die. I'm not losing another.

Mom, Mom, Mom, listen, okay? Look at me. I know--

I know you wish you could have saved Dad.

- Yeah. - I know. I know.

But this is different. I'm, I'm not just Kevin's assistant.

I'm his sidekick.

And, and you wanna know the first rule of sidekick?

- Do no harm? - No. That's doctors, Mom.

Oh, the first rule of sidekick is there is no sidekick.

That's Fight Club, Mom, you know that.

- Okay. Just tell me then. - Brad Pitt's in that,

- Ed Norton's in that, Mom. - Just tell me then.

Okay, listen to me. And listen good, man.

Back when I was a sidekick, I was always jealous

of the lead actor and all the glory they got.

And I told myself, Doug, I said when I become a lead actor,

let me get that same glory. I want it. I wanna taste that.

And I did. But when I tasted it, I handled it wrong.

I was selfish. I was stupid, man.

And now I realize how much I need my village

and, Doug, you're a part of that village, okay?

I need you. I fucking need you.

- Now, give me-- give me a chance

to make it up to you.

Give me a chance to prove to you that, that this is what I want,

that, that, that I want you. I need you.

How about I give you a chance to suck my dick? Hmm?

I'm living the life, boy.

I'm in your goddamn mansion. Hmm?

I live here. I got your career.

Your agents love me.

Them boys love me good,

got me a part in a movie and everything.

I'm about to be Chucky in the new Child's Play.

You took that shit.

or they'll skin your fucking lip.

And I signed up for a new Woody Allen movie.

Can't wait to see the press around that.

No, no, no. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, wake up. Wake up, come on.

Oh! What? What time is it?

I think what you were about to do

was to try to convince me,

that even though you've been impaled

by a large piece of restoration hardware,

you wanna go back in there and fight some lunatic

who is physically superior to you in every possible way,

because you're not just his sidekick,

you're his best friend.

You're goddamn right I am.

So why go through all this trouble?

The Swedish actor, the torture chamber?

You think it's easy stealing a man's identity? Hmm?

You think it's as easy as stealing this face?

Well, it's not, Little Pretty. It's much harder than that.

Had to get his goddamn fingerprint first.

After that, I had to take all your goddamn passwords.

Once I got that, I say we get your voice ID,

all the other secrets that you're holding, I got it.

I got it good.

So now you have everything you need to be Kevin.

Uh-hmm.

You even removed your mole, you sick son of a bitch.

Yeah, I did. You know why?

Because I'm Kevin Hart. I'm Kevin Hart.

I got all the money in the world.

I got the best dermatologist in the world

because I'm Kevin Hart.

Dr. Sanchez would never touch that rough ass

Well, she did, motherfucker. She did.

Shit.

You know, boy. ...smack your ass.

- No. No. Huh?

- Hold on. - What?

- Superman punch.

No, not today.

- I told you. - Ah. You--

I wasn't done with you. Hmm?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. See, I got your body.

Doug, you ain't got to do this, man. Give me a chance.

- But now... - Doug, no!

- Now I want your soul.

- Don't take my soul. - I'mma get your fucking soul.

- What happened to me?

What the fuck you just do to me?

Oh, shit. Just boy?

- Hey. - Huh?

That's a wrap on Doug.

You got me good.

Motherfucker.

All right. Hold on, Andre.

Is that the piece of wood that was lodged on your side?

Sidekick for life.

No, Andre, that was supposed to stay in to stop the bleeding.

Oh, I told him it was a dumb idea,

but does he listen to his mom?

I'd do anything for you, man.

Hey, hey, look at me.

You're the best damn sidekick I've ever seen.

All right, guys, call the cops,

stay with Doug until they get here, okay?

I'm gonna get you to the hospital.

This time, I'm driving.

You know, actually, I will drive. I'm gonna drive.

I saw the way you drove last time.

So, I think I'll take it from here.

Why don't we just call--

We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

Yeah, but I'll use my feet and hands

and you can sit on my lap or some shit.

- Okay. He's in shock. - Okay.

I got you, buddy. Keep your eye on Doug.

I got you, buddy.

I mean, I was foolish.

I let my ego run the show.

And I'm, I'm-- honestly, I'm lucky to be alive.

We both are.

Why is he here with us again?

This is a vital part of my team.

Ah. Okay.

Hi. Hi. Hi, sorry. Sorry I'm late.

And so is she. And so are they.

- Hey.

All right. Um, who is the older lady?

You talking about that gorgeous woman in the back?

That's my mama. Ma, how's the food?

Oh, it's so confusing.

- Yeah. - I love it, though.

I'm not really sure what her role is yet.

We're still trying to iron out the kinks.

But what I do know is it takes a village

to build the world of Kevin Hart,

and she's a villager.

Oh, what's a villager?

Wow, Kevin, I gotta say you certainly have changed.

No. I've just learned to appreciate the people that,

that matter the most in my life.

Well, does that mean that you're in for Jefferson's, too?

Yeah. Just gotta check with my stuntman first.

Isn't he in prison now?

He is.

Yeah. I don't know. It slipped my mind.

- Oh, I forgot.

- He forgot.

Hey, hey, guard. Guard! Hey, let me out of here.

I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.

- Shut the fuck up. - I'm Kevin Hart. I'm Kevin Hart.