Original subtitles

If I had what now?

Just an unexpected accident with a very small,

flying, fast, like projectile object through his shoulder.

Right.

And I just think some painkillers

- would really help him. - Mm-hmm.

I know I don't have a prescription, but...

I can assure you this is an emergency.

I see.

You wanna score some good drugs? Some Xany, some Max,

chuckleheads, wet Garys, shrieking Jimmys,

moon pies, butter pies?

Look, I'm not a drug addict. I'm an actor.

Don't you recognize me?

Um...

Okay. It doesn't matter, all right?

My idiot friend got shot with a real bullet.

An actual fucking bullet, from an actual fucking gun.

And now he's bleeding out in your alleyway.

And if you don't help me help him,

you're gonna have a body on your hands.

Would I know him from anywhere?

You're lucky it just grazed you.

Here. It's the best I could do.

What the hell is this?

It's for the pain.

The pharmacist was a real piece of work.

Well, you're a piece of work for bringing this out here to me.

I can't drink this. This is my competitor.

You gotta go back in there and ask for Gran Coramino.

Are you being serious right now?

Yes.

Kevin, you've been shot. I was kidnapped.

- Grown woman-napped. - You need to fix this.

- Okay. - You need to fix this now.

I told you I can't.

Okay? Even if I wanted to, I can't do it.

And, by the way, it's all by design.

I gave all the rights over to Karl Stromberg,

who is a great precious metals magnate.

You do hear how that sounds, right? You, you hear the words?

You know, Andre was right.

Andre, your assistant?

Yes. My assistant-- No. My former assistant.

He was right though. You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna pay Karl Stromberg a visit.

Yeah, that's exactly what we're gonna do.

We're gonna tell him he needs to get back on book,

'cause right now, he's not following my guidelines at all.

It went all over the place.

In order for this movie to be the best thing

that we know that it can be,

we gotta get back on pace, okay? We're paying him a visit.

Well, at least, my car is still here.

Yeah, but it's the only one. This place is dead.

Yeah, it's because it's the weekend, that's why.

Kevin, it's Tuesday.

Huh.

Hey, what the fuck?

Kevin, it doesn't look like anyone's been here for weeks.

No. That's not true.

I was just here.

Stromberg was right there, okay?

That was the last week or it may--

it may have been a week before.

I don't know what week it was

'cause I got knocked the fuck out, but I was here.

He was sitting at a desk right here.

This is where he was. He was...

Hmm.

You will shit your pants.

I'm not crazy.

I knew he was here.

Will I have this if he wasn't here?

It's a butt to his cigar. And you know what he was doing?

He was doing real weird stuff with the cigar.

Licking it, putting it in his nose, slobbering all on it.

I was watching him while he was doing it.

Closing his eyes... All this, lick...

Why did you have to drag me

into your stupid fantasy death wish movie?

What are you talking about?

All I said was think of somebody like Jordan King.

Keyword, think. It was a suggestion.

Oh, great. Thanks for the suggestion.

All right. He probably wanted you

because you're one of the biggest stars in Sweden.

- What if that's the case? - I'm pretty sure Greta Thunberg

is the biggest star in Sweden.

The environmental activist?

Yeah. They have their priorities straight.

Hey. Whoa.

Wait a minute. Come here. What's this?

Look. Look. Will you just look?

What the hell is this stuff?

Whoa. It's a VHS.

I haven't seen one of these in years.

Hey. It's Ronald Van & Associates reading for, um--

Sorry.

Is it, uh, Stromberg or Stromberg?

That's Karl Stromberg.

- It's Stromberg. - It's him. I mean, he...

Stromberg.

It's a different hair, but it's him.

Bring me this man, this...

Kevin Hart.

I'm actually gonna go thicker.

Kevin, it's an audition tape.

Yeah. Well, obviously.

I can see that. I see that it's an audition tape.

The question is why. Why is he in an audition tape?

Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Is Karl Stromberg even real?

Wait. You didn't Google him before the meeting?

He's from Sweden.

You want me to go all the way to Sweden and Google?

That's ridiculous. Stop.

Are you on drugs?

Quick. Answer it.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Action Star.

Congratulations. You escaped.

Uh, do you know you shot me with a real bullet?

Of course, I know.

That bullet was meant to kill you.

Oh, that's stupid. You kill me, and then you don't have a movie.

You moron. There was no movie.

There never was.

What do you mean there's no movie?

You better stop talking like that.

That's blasphemy and you know it.

There is a movie.

Okay. Who, who is-- Are you the producer?

You have forgotten who you are,

where you came from.

I don't-- Ain't nobody forget where they came from.

Then what was the name

of your first and only grade school teacher?

Mrs. Faulkson-- No, Ms. Clarkson.

Clark-- Clarkson. Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.

And the hospital where you were born?

What does that have to do with anything?

The name.

Go on.

Uh, Saint Falkenstein.

That sounds rude.

Saint Falkenstein Hospital. What-- Hey, enough of this shit.

Cut the shit. Who are you? Who the fuck are you?

I'm the person who's brought into your life.

You are no longer Kevin Hart.

What is happening?

- What the fuck is going on? - You are nothing.

Uh, excuse me. Can I ask why I've been dragged into this?

Great, Kevin. You took all the phone time with him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to figure out

what's going on with my life,

trying to hear a serial killer voice out.

I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you.

God damn it, Jordan.

Do you hear that?

It's the VCR. What the fuck?

Oh, fuck. It's a bomb.

- What? - It's a fucking bomb!

Well, disarm it.

You fucking disarm it.

Oh, yeah, 'cause I know how to disarm a bomb.

Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black. That's what you think?

Every Black man know how to disarm a bomb?

That is not a thing, Kevin.

Oh, I bet it's not a thing. Get your racist ass back.

Move! Move!

Quick, quick, quick. Come on.

Oh, my God. Open it. Open it.

Pull. Pull.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Get back! Get back! Get back! Get back!

Shit, shit.

Okay. Well, I guess it is just a movie.

Yeah.

And that was a fake bomb--

- Whoa!

Everybody... Oh, my God!

Oh, bro. Hey, you're okay? What was that sound?

Andre? What the hell are you doing here? Come on. Go.

- What are you talking about? - We gotta go.

- I'll get the door for you. - No! No! Drive!

Okay. We'll go.

Kevin, that was a real fucking bomb.

- Okay. - A real fucking bomb!

Okay. Jordan, well, can you put yourself in my shoes?

I will not. No. No. I do not have to do that.

You know what? Just shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre. I don't know if you remember me.

Hey, man, put your hand on the wheel.

You got it.

I'm actually-- I'm Kevin's protege. Sorry.

Oh, I'm Kevin's assistant-- Uh, former assistant. Fuck me.

Of course, I remember you, Andre.

So what? Kevin kicked you out

in the middle of the street, did he?

No. Pish posh no. Of course not.

Technically, it was the sidewalk.

And I love Skid Row.

Everybody's got a story to tell. So many teachable moments.

Wait. You, you didn't go home?

You just waited here this whole time?

Well, yeah. I mean, I always carry a spare key, right?

That's what I do. And I don't mind waiting.

It was a quick 25, 30 hours.

Thirty hours?

I would wait a lifetime to make sure Kevin is okay.

Okay. Stop it.

Stop it. I didn't ask you to do that. Don't act like I did.

I know. I know. And I, I know you fired me.

Oh, right. You fired him because he tried to warn you

about the Swedish mobster that was actually a shitty actor

who was working for someone trying to murder us.

Okay. I don't understand what's happening.

I really don't.

And, Jordan, I'm just gonna throw this out there right now.

I feel like you're still mad at me.

I will never not be mad at you

- for the rest of my life. - I am so sorry to interrupt,

but where am I going?

- Because I've just been driving. - Hey. Hey.

- Yeah? - We'll go to my house.

- You got it. - Okay? Go to my house.

- You got it. - No. I'm not going

to your house.

- I'm going to my house. - Your house it is.

No. No. You're not going to your house

'cause I need to know that you're safe.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Just like Andre wanted to make sure you were safe.

You know what?

I know what you're doing.

I know exactly what you're doing.

You're trying to do one of those things

where you make me evaluate who I am as a person, right?

That's what you're trying to do.

But guess what, I'm not gonna do that

because who I am as a person

is who I'm okay with, and I'm settled in.

- It's not working.

I'm gonna try one more time.

Are you sure you're punching in the right code?

Of course, man. It's your birthday.

Like I don't forget that.

It's tattooed on my inner thigh. I rub it every morning.

See what I'm dealing with?

- Okay. - All the time.

You see what I'm dealing with?

- It's not working. - Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe the person who's behind all of this

changed the gate code.

Wait. And they think I'm dead.

So maybe this is to our advantage, right?

- Hmm. - Maybe.

Yeah, no, this-- Oh, shit. The security.

The security, Jordan. Get in the back and hide. Hide, hide.

Maybe we just exit now. Should I go now?

- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. - I should jus-- I'm gonna leave.

- I'm gonna leave, Kevin, okay? - Hey, shut up.

You don't have to leave. Stop, stop, stop.

- Are you sure? - No.

- Sir. - Stay here. Stay here.

- He doesn't like me. - Sir.

Hey, what's going on? How are you, my man? Nice to meet you.

Are you aware you're trespassing on private property?

I did not. I did-- I was not aware, no.

Please reverse out and have a nice day.

You got it, my man.

No. Do not reverse. You can't reverse.

You know what? I'm not-- I can't-- That--

My boss actually lives inside there.

- Yeah. - So if I can just jump in there

real quick, that'd be great.

Reverse out now and no one

has to get pumped full of electricity.

Of course. I'm positive nobody needs that.

No. Do not reverse. Do not reverse. Do not reverse.

I'm not gonna reverse.

Do not fuck with me.

- He's bluffing. - You're bluffing.

I assure you, I'm not bluffing.

He's fucking bluffing.

Fuck with him.

- He's fucking-- It's bullshit. - Fuck you. You're full of...

Compliments of Mr. H.

Well, I didn't tell him to do that.

- Andre. - Is he okay?

Andre? Andre!